A New Beginning

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Please excuse me if I ramble, I am in the process of sorting out a few weeks of introspection . A lot of what I am going to say is more for me than anything, but I value feedback and accountability very much .

With everything that's happening in my life right now, I've been feeling kind of off-center, uncertain and without direction. I'm in a state of emotional overload, and it isn't the best feeling. I've come to the conclusion that a big part of the problem I am having right now is that I've lost sight of my values and goals to the point where I don't even know what I value any more. I don't know where I am headed. I don't know who I am. I am sad that my relationship has ended, but I think it's brought into focus the fact that I was relying on having a partner to make me feel ok, when I would be better served by looking deeply at what has been holding me back and working to correct it. It seems obvious to me now that a relationship with someone who doesn't understand themself would be quite difficult indeed. I let myself get comfortable with pretending everything was ok, and the result was that it all came crashing down around me. This is not to say that I don't love my ex or that I feel the relationship was a sham or a mistake, in fact quite the opposite. The relationship was good for me. It was the one thing I knew I wanted, but I essentially gave up responsibility for myself by escaping into it. I do wish I had noticed this and many other things sooner so that I perhaps could have prevented this ending, but I am going to take this opportunity to create a new me: 100% responsible, focused, conscious and striving for the best for myself and those around me.

In light of these observations, I am beginning a new journey. The path is not carved out fully yet, but the basis of my plan is to discover what I value and begin to live according to those values; to stop abdicating responsiblity for myself to other people; to consciously become the person I thought I was.

This thread is meant to be a journal of sorts, a place to talk about my progress and get advice and encouragement.

My first order of business is to look at some of Steve's articles and blog entries that I feel will help guide me as I get started. For anyone who wants to follow along or who is interested in a new beginning for themselves, here's what I am starting out with:

List of Values
Living Your Values
Living Your Values, Part II

There are a wealth of entries that I am sure would be invaluable to me as I go along. I am starting here because, as I said, I am not really sure what's most important to me right now and I want to get a focus in order to move foward.

I am really open to suggestions of things to read or try as I get started. This is fresh in my mind and I am feeling motivated so I wanted to post. As time goes on, I plan to share what I am up to and you will hopefully see some progress.

Here's to a new beginning.

[Angela]

Congratulations! Welcome to your new life! I wish you great fun with this.

You might want to put "The Passion Test" on your list. It's a fun way to distinguish the ways of living that will really light you up.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Will do.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Here's a good article related to what I'm working on that I just came across:

Do You Want 2008 to Be Your Best Year Ever? Let Go.

From Lifehack.org

[Angela]

Some people say, "How do you do that?! I try, but I just can't let go!"

We hold onto our old pain with white knuckles, we hold on so tightly for so long that we confuse our old pain with who we are. We figure, if we let go our old pain, we're letting go our identity. So letting go is as scary as dying. It's so ingrained in our very survival to hang on to that old pain, that it's hard to even imagine living without it. "You don't understand, I just can't do it!" Yikes!

So the first step is to ask yourself: "Am I willing to let go?" Maybe you're not willing, and that's okay. Ask again tomorrow. The asking gets you used to the idea, a little bit at a time. Talk to people who have let go of what you're holding onto, and allow them to assuage your anxiety and to inspire you. When, you're ready, you're ready, and not a moment before.

One way I've found useful to let go is to visualize the old belief as a dense physical object, like a medicine ball, that lives where the pain in my body lives -- usually either my chest or my belly, sometimes my head. I bring my arms to that part of my body and lift the medicine ball up and out of my body, then put it on the ground (don't worry; old pain is biodegradable.) and walk away. Look over your shoulder and wave buh-bye to it. I use the medicine ball technique all the time, and recommend it. It's amazing how light my body feels after I let go of one.

Another thing about letting go is: it's easier if you have an inspiring new possibility to walk into. It's like jumping off a building is easier if you have Spiderman to catch you. So as you surrender your old pain, re-commit to your inspiration. Tell people about your inspiring new possibility, and allow them to support you in being it. It's a lot more fun than always giving something up!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Letting go is tough, for all the reasons you mentioned. Sometimes you fear that you won't have anything left if you let go of what you've been clinging to. It can feel lonely.

But having something inspiring to be present with and look forward to takes a great deal of the fear out of the idea of letting go.

I feel prioritizing my values and coming up with some goals will be a great inspiration. Of course there are old pains to dispose of and new ways of being to be inspired with as well.

[Kaspian]

Working through Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way is fabulous for clarifying what's important to you, releasing limiting fears & beliefs, leading you into action, and building your confidence it yourself. It is among the most effective and powerful things I have done to improve my life. Don't read it, though; do it.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Kaspian. I believe that book has been recommended to me before. Must be a sign.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Well, here I am with my list of values. I narrowed it down to a list of 19 to begin with:

• Love
• Intimacy
• Affection
• Connection
• Family
• Adventure
• Openness
• Freedom
• Clarity
• Happiness
• Humor
• Health
• Vitality
• Success
• Contribution
• Vision
• Integrity
• Growth
• Creativity

My slightly shortened and prioritized list is:

• Love
• Intimacy
• Affection
• Connection
• Family
• Adventure
• Clarity
• Humor
• Health
• Vitality
• Contribution
• Integrity
• Growth
• Creativity

Next I came up with some "best life" goals that I know I want to achieve. These are the things I know for sure I want to have in my life even if nothing else:

• Love partner, marriage, children.
• Travel to the far reaches of the globe. Explore the world!
• Get down to and maintain a healthy weight (around 150-155 lbs.) and be in excellent health.
• Create and expand my website idea and transition to working for myself full time.
• Provide value to the world.

Now to re-order my value list based on what I want to accomplish and which goal is most important at the moment. Since I have very recently been in a relationship and am not in a place where I want to pursue another one quite yet, I am moving the values related to that down the list. They are still very important of course (they did make the list after all!) but my focus right now will be elsewhere. The most important of my goals right now are implementing my website idea and getting healthy/weight loss. My new list is:

• Health
• Vitality
• Growth
• Clarity
• Creativity
• Integrity
• Contribution
• Adventure
• Humor
• Love
• Connection
• Affection
• Intimacy
• Family

I know feel like I have a guidepost as I move forward and make decisions about where to place my focus. I plan to post these goals and values in my home as well as carry them with me on a small card. There's plenty more to do, but I feel like I am getting a fresh start. I have a clean, open feeling and I'm ready to go.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

PS I probably could have had a list of hundreds of values, but many of them were similar in nature. I felt it would be much easier to work with a shorter list, much clearer. I believe that's mentioned in the article.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Lately I've felt like parts of me from every corner of my being have been dragged out of hidden places and crushed into tiny pieces which then are caught up on the wind.

In Pema Chodron's books she talks about Groundlessness and Nothing Solid and learning to relax into that and be comfortable. That's a big deal for me right now. Growing up, I believed that there are absolutes and that we could always know the right answer to any question. Now, not so much. In a way it is comforting to have unlimited freedom and choices. But sometimes it is very humbling and scary.

I'm happy to be at a point where I am proactively searching out what is true for me and working to let go and be at peace. Loosening my grip on the past and what it means is a daunting task for me, as I am sure it is for so many others.

Right now, there are some things in particular that I am letting go of:

"I am tyrannical"
"I am nothing"
Judgement
Control
Certainty
Neediness

I know I will be coming across more to give up. It feels like loss, but also like a new beginning, a clean slate and unlimited possibility.

My new inspiring possibilities are:

Freedom
Light
Trust
Generosity
Openness
Vulnerability
Acceptance
Surrender

I am happy when I think of being those things and how that will change everything for me and everyone I come in contact with.

Love,
ATC

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Sometimes even though I've read something many times before, it takes on special importance at a certain point:

From Steve:

If you want to become jealous, just become emotionally attached to something impermanent and then lose it to someone else.
...snip...
The whole thing is rooted in illusion. It isn’t worth getting all worked up over that which you know to be impermanent. You’ll find no long-term security there. Instead focus on enjoying the unfolding story and immersing yourself in interesting experiences. This will be far more fun than becoming overly attached to possessions or positions you may temporarily hold.

Good stuff for me right now.

[Kaspian]

One thing I have found to be effective for helping to let go of old thought & behavior patterns is cleaning closets and de-junking in general. Cleaning out stuff I don't need in the physical realm reflects what's going on emotionally, and visa versa. Another way of looking at it is clearing out the old to make room for the new.

Best wishes!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Kaspian. I actually have been planning to do that. I am anti-clutter, but I was lax with dealing with it because I always had something "better" to do when I was in a relationship...now I have lots of time on my hands! And I am moving house soon, so now is a perfect time. I do always feel lighter after a purge. In my younger days I would re-arrange my room every few months. Great reminder. I appreciate it.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Food for thought from Steve's blog Be Proactive:

Most people think reactively. And reacting to certain events is all well and good. But it becomes a problem when that’s all there is to a person’s life — nothing more than instinctively reacting to stimuli.

I read this, and it was another one of those things I'd read probably 50 times before, but it just struck me again in a fresh way. Right now I am living in a state of waiting and reacting. I am waiting to see what my ex does so I can know how to feel about the situation, I react to the people and events around me more than I create new events and situations.

That's something concrete I can work on, and I intend to. I think I felt that if I didn't take other's feelings into account I would just become cold and lose them. But I can still care about their feelings and respond appropriately without putting my life on hold. I know that must sound like knowledge even a child should have. I guess I've just always been a people pleaser and go-along-er. That's probably got a lot to do with feeling so ineffective all of the time. I am always in a state of waiting for something or someone to make a decision, and so I never do.

ETA: Pretty much that whole post is a great one for me! I am glad I decided to go back and start at the beginning.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Well, I am not sure how much longer I am going to keep posting here, but I keep running into quotes from Steve that are having an impact on me and I think they might do the same for others. The latest is from the second installment of the Self-Discipline series:

The first step is to openly accept where you are right now, whether you feel good about it or not. Surrender yourself to what you have to work with — maybe it isn’t fair, but it is what it is. And you won’t get any stronger until you accept where you are right now.

Very pertinent. I have been fighting the reality of my current situation and trying to find some way to make it "not so." But it seems to be true that what you resist persists (I forgot who originally said this). I have been fighting my painful feelings, fighting with the reality of the situation I'm in, wishing things could go back or be different. In doing so, I've become nothing more than a stressed, frustrated, angry mess. The things I am currently facing are sad, yes, but also full of opportunity. I don't know exactly what I am meant to learn for sure, but I've already figured out some things about myself I'd like to see changed and that is a start. I may never have all the answers, but I don't intend to just waste the time I have while waiting for them.

Just some more random thoughts.

I also read Steve's article on Effective Forum Usage and am considering a forum fast. Not sure yet to what extent, but I know I've been using the site for procrastination. I've also become addicted to knowing what other people think about everything. I do value advice, and the info I've been getting is all great, but I feel like I've been using it as another way to offload responsibility. It's something I am going to think about a little more.

[Joely]

Hello there,

I love that quote. That's what I'm working on at the moment and I've found my form of releasing (I use the Sedona Method) has really helped me.

I just want to add that I've been silently following your journey and everything you've been through over the last day or so (since I joined and had time off to surf), that even though you might not feel it, you're incredibly strong, resilient and you will get through this. Whenever people have said that to me I get annoyed so I'll add the proviso that sometimes you can't see the strength you have because you're so busy using it.

It's almost five years ago since I walked out on my last relationship, without a penny to my name and no support when I moved to a new city. I'm still single (I'm too damned busy for a relationship right now!) but I guess all I can say is that no matter how hard it seems, you can get through it. Just when you think you've run out of reserves, you'll find another 10% to keep going. I think there's a saying that the gods don't send you on trials you can't complete. I feel ten thousand times stronger, more confident, outgoing, more in touch with what I want in my life and more at peace with myself than at any time in my life. Sometimes it's going through these things that show us just how great we can really be.

Allowing everything to just be is wonderful. I wish you well and I really hope to see more of you and find you having positive happy experiences in the future (well, actually NOW).

J x

[Joely]

P.S. I have a book recommendation:

Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance. It's very lovely. :-)

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks very much for your support and well-wishes, Joely. It really helps.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I will add that book to my list. I am going to go to the library this afternoon to look for all the books people have suggested.

[seeker5]

Aspiring - I took a 48 hour total fast of this website a week and a half ago. It was tremendously beneficial, and I came back more focused on getting what I wanted out of this site and avoiding what I didn't want. The fast wasn't easy, it was actually hard, but I'm glad I did it.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks for the input, seeker. I once did a week long fast here after I had a Personal Development Meltdown (good times, good times). It did help a great deal. Right now I spend a lot of time clicking the New Posts button when I could be doing other things -- like my job!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Thanks for the input, seeker. I once did a week long fast here after I had a Personal Development Meltdown (good times, good times). It did help a great deal. Right now I spend a lot of time clicking the New Posts button when I could be doing other things -- like my job!

Hehe . The clicking of "New Post button" is one thing I eliminated after my 48 hour fast