When Ideas Start Out Grand...

[jawillie]

..... but then fizzle to nothing.

Okay. Sorry for all my posts. I have to make some major changes in my life SOON.

Last Fall (October) I thought about returning to college to be a teacher. The idea sounded so good to me. I remember feeling excited, accomplished, and just genuinely "revved up."

Okay... so I get back to work on Monday. There is no time to think, but I try to call a few colleges. I spend a week researching how I can get back to college and still work (because I can't stop working as I do this) and I don't see any options as "night classes" start at 4:30 and that is too early for me.

Online college doesn't work to be a teacher. I have not seen any credible online courses that would be accepted in MN.

So... I keep working and that idea fades away. Now I feel "nothing" when I think of it.

Is that just because I give in too easy? Or should I look for something else? Or did I miss my window of opportunity?

Other's did voice their opinion about it, too: (just SOME negatives I heard)
~ Education cuts will dramatically cut the amount of teachers needed
~ I know teachers who are begging for a job ANYwhere, let alone a fulltime job in private schools
~ How would you student teach, you won't be making money then
~ Won't your clients be mad you are going to school as you run daycare?
~ How can you afford tuition?

I could go on and on............

So I am back to square one.

I realize I sound pretty pathetic. Good, then I am getting it all across correctly. I WANT A CHANGE, but I don't know what it is!

I know I should start paying a fee for all the help I am getting here and all the questions I am asking.

[Angela]

You're questions are at least as valuable as the answers they get.

[jawillie]

Dear Personal Diary,


I think I am using this forum as my own personal diary that thousands of others can read.

Anyway... an update to my life-crisis:

I read something amazing tonight from Debbie Ford.

She talked about "Toxic Emotions" and how these eleven emotions universally cause the most personal and collective suffering when they are hidden and denied long enough.

I am pretty sure I have all Eleven going on here...

1. Hurt : victimization, helplessness, blame
2. Sadness: self-pity, regret
3. Shame: humiliation, embarrassement
4. Hopelessness: loneliness, despair, desperation
5. Fear: anxiety, panic, immobilization
6. Anger: resentment, bitterness
7. Hate: meanness, vengefulness (this one I honestly can say I do NOT have... I do not hate)
8. Jealousy: envy, possessive
9. Pride: Better than, self-righteousness
10. Greed: insatiable emotional hunger
11. Guilt: self-blame, false responsibility

Nice list of qualities to have, huh?

And I know I have been hiding them with a false facade of "positiveness." Telling everyone, "it's all good" but just burning up on the inside.

This next sentence said it all for me:
"Each of the behaviors listed in the questionnaire and the toxic emotions that fuel them (and we use to justify them) are the result of wounded ego - an ego that lives and breathes by the certaintity that it is separate, alone and in a constant state of danger. It wraps itself in layer upon layer of negative beliefs and wears a mask, a false persona, to ensure its safety."



And the solution about made me cry.

You can't make a wounded ego go away. It will always be there. You can't educate it away, marry it away, kill it, ignore it, etc....

BUT... you can give it what it wants... safety, compassion, kindness, understanding, love and reconnection with your whole self.

Wow.

It's just amazing to me.

I asked my husband which of the two toxic emotions he sees me trying to hide... he told me he sees 9!!!

I don't know if I like this "exploring of yourself" too much. When you start to peel back the layers.... UGH!!

It will get better after it gets worse, right??



I am just sharing, no one really has to answer. I feel a little weird, but it does feel good to share.

I will start to change things this year. I will not keep going around the same old moutain... time to climb it!

[Kaspian]

It will get better after it gets worse, right??

You peel back the layers, find things you don't want to see. Sometimes it's scary, sometimes it makes you feel angry, shameful, or sad—not because peeling back those layers creates those feelings, but because it exposes what's been lurking there for a long time. If you're going to clean your closets, first you have to open the door and look inside. Once you see what you need to get rid of, you throw it out and can start healing, and healing feels better!

[Parthon]

There's nothing better than the peeling back, soley because of what's at the core of the onion.

Your true self.

Each layer that you peel back, which is full of negative emotions and emotional pain, gets you closer to the inside. As you get closer to the middle you get closer to yourself, and it's like reconnecting with an old friend you had forgotten about, someone who is eager to see you, someone full of love and compassion.

The prize at the end is beyond comprehension for those who haven't seen it.

Thanks for being one of the few people who has the courage to peel back the layers and face the pain. It reminds me why I started doing it too.

[Love]

Yup, there can be a whole range of emotions that are somewhere inside of you.

As for getting another degree, I think you just have to make it work financially. I don't know how much money you make, but you might be qualified for financial aid. You can also take loans--education loans usually have a pretty low interest rate. You could also work weekends and nights, and go to school in the daytime.

You can see the negatives in pursuing any type of job. But there are always positives, too if you look for them and talk to the right people. But it also depends on what you're willing to do.

If you don't want to be a teacher, then you will not be willing to do what a teacher needs to do. Myself, I can think of a myriad of solutions to the teacher problem:

Go to cities schools. They are begging for teachers, and will often let you start teaching, right away, at a $40,000 dollar salary. And they will subsidize your Masters. I know this is true because I live in NY, and am a teacher, and know they can't hire teachers fast enough. I believe this may be similar to other cities. And thought I don't agree with the way Teach for America works, if you really wanted to pursue teaching you could go that route.

If you had the program I described above, you'd get paid while you learn.

Start working under someone else more experienced.

Work, get loans, fin aid, low-tuition schools, special programs, etc.

But if you don't really know what you want to do yet, then none of those options would appeal to you. So, what is it that you want to do?


Cheers,
Love