Are You Struggling With Ways To Be Miserable?

[Tim Brownson]

Let me help you out with a blog I wrote yesterday.

The one thing as a Life Coach that I don’t understand is all the people I get coming to me wanting to feel more content and happy with their lives. These people just don’t get it. Don’t they know it’s about being miserable these days and the more misery the better?
With that in mind I thought I’d share with you my loyal reader some excellent free tips and tricks to ensure long-lasting despair and distress.

So get that frown in place, have a quick grumble about the Government and let’s get on with the business in hand.

Always whine and complain about stuff that is out of your control. Great examples are the weather, other people’s actions and the housing market. Don’t ever miss an opportunity to remind people that life is much worse and much harder than they think it is. Then drive home your point by giving them a long list of examples of stuff that is wrong with the world.

Keep up to date on celebrity culture. We all know that celebrities lead charmed, perfect lives. They don’t ever get sick; they have lots of money and are all perfectly balanced human beings. Read up on them, yearn to be them and above all idolize them as the gods they are. Never forget that your life is a meaningless travesty compared to theirs.

Be a martyr and never ever put your own needs first. Make sure that you put your spouse, kids even the mail mans happiness above yours. These people are far more important than you, so show them that by neglecting yourself. Don’t worry if you get sick and die because that will just cement your position in the Martyr’s Hall of Fame.

Berate yourself often. If you make a mistake, tell yourself. You know you’re a jerk so tear yourself off a strip and do it in as an aggressive and condescending manner as possible. If you ever find yourself saying nice stuff internally, back up, delete it, and then say something along the lines of “You half-wit who the hell do you think you are?”

Judge others. Don’t listen to people that say you can’t judge a book by a cover. You haven’t got time to read books so how else are you supposed to make up your mind than glancing at the cover? If they are fat then they eat too much, if they smoke they are stupid and if they are out of work then it’s obvious they’re lazy. Soldiers, surgeons and athletes have to make rapid decisions so why not you?

Keep updated on local news. Make sure you know who has murdered whom and more importantly, which drug-crazed lunatic is on the rampage in your neighborhood. Don’t go to bed feeling cheerful when you can watch stories about the worsening economy, rising crime rates and foot tapping politicians hanging around in public bathrooms.

Eat junk food, drink lots of beer and never exercise. Fresh fruit and vegetables are for wusses that are scared to eat a triple pounder deluxe with extra bacon and 62 different kinds of cheese. Those same wusses probably can’t knock back 10 beers a night and an 18” pizza. A good diet and exercise can help you feel good mentally and look good physically. Who needs that I ask you? Stick to your guns and ignore those fitness fascists like the plague. After all, if you get fit you have to stay fit and that requires time, time that you need to watch TV.

Watch more TV. If you are watching 8 hours per day try and edge that up a bit. Aim for a diet of reality TV, local news, soap operas and anything that humiliates people. Avoid programmes that are remotely informative like the plague, so PBS is right out, and anyway it’s probably run by commies.

Refuse to see other people’s point of view. If you have an opinion stick to it. You’ve probably spent years fine-tuning your belief system so hang on to it for grim death. Nobody likes a fickle, weak-willed, flip-flopper so don’t let something as simple as contrary evidence persuade you that you could be wrong.

Catastrophize. You haven’t had a bad day at work you’ve had a nightmare. You haven’t been sick you have been violently sick. You haven’t got a tough boss; you’ve got the boss from hell. Get the message? If something is worth feeling bad about then it’s worth feeling really, really bad about. Never use expressions like “It’s not so bad” or “There was a silver lining” They will only serve to lessen the impact of negative events and we need to ramp them up. When you get really skilled at this you can slip phrases like “I was violently sick and my boss from hell made my day an absolutely nightmare” into any conversation with aplomb.

I hope the above ideas are useful for you and you can start to implement the ones that you don’t currently use into your daily regime. Remember that like happiness, unhappiness has to be worked at. It really doesn’t come easy even though sometimes it seems like it does.

PS: If you’re one of those weirdo’s that would rather be happy, Click here

[DayInTheLife]

Good post!

Misery is indeed addictive.

[Tim Brownson]

On refelction I think I missed some!

Be even more miserable here

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Tim Brownson

On reflection I think I missed some!

You always will. There are an infinite number of ways to be miserable. I've barely begun to master them all!