Unraveling the Gordian Knot – Battling Oneself to the Death!

[transit]

Greetings! I am attempting to confess my biggest secret of all. Strap yourself in, because I intend to confuse you. Now, I am in a crucial part of my life this moment, so despite what the best advice is, I will take on the issue a priori and fight it myself. Do I act this way because I feel the dedication to succeed.? Yes, somewhat. But, it's not only that, it's much more. “It” is apart of me, but not ME, you see? I feel more human by tackling my own problems. My opponent is a mere diversion of reality, created by my subconscious mind. Sure, it's a formidable opponent, but it will one day translate into priceless insight. My foe cannot be considered just another 'notch on the belt' if defeated. Why? Because it is a prison cell. If I burst through these walls, life becomes clear and everything takes on a new meaning. The prison cell is life suppressed. I am but a fly bound to the spider's cob webs. I become subservient to the creator, you see. This spider must keep close and make it's presence felt in order to obtain my subservience. I can wiggle and scream all I like, but until I fiercely attack with new tactics, I remain a puppet. This is much more than a disorder, you know. It is my awakening. My foe is my own seed of life. The seed must be put in it's place. Accept imitators, I do not [/Yoda].

Have you taken a guess yet? I'm sorry, but if I try any differently, the message still becomes clouded. “It” haunts my well-being, my assertiveness, my memory, my health, my life. “It” may have been inherited. Regardless, with “it” around, I can only see the path below for a brief instance. “It's” presence takes me to a grimy, puzzling place I do not like. Clear becomes a single stride, not a refreshing walk, like it used to be. Vagueness. Yes, I know. I cannot do any differently right now. “It” can make me a stump at times. Why? How? I care not. I created it, so I'm putting it on myself to dispose of the garbage. “It” is non other than [acute] Ianrehopzschi.<- Just so you taste it for yourself.

I only have a vague idea of why I started this thread. It's all convenient in a twisted way. My journey is starting today. So, if anything, I made this thread in the hope of a few words of encouragements. Perhaps I made it to keep me focused. I wish I knew.

I will end my hysteria with a quote from my great, great, great Aunt, Harriet Beecher Stowe: “Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” It is NOT bigger than me and I WILL see victory. The germination has begun.

Stay True and Live Graciously,

transit

[Kaspian]

In confusing, you have probably succeeded! <grin>

My words of encouragement: Challenge your assumptions and take action in spite of perceived limitations.

[blueberry]

confusing indeed but I see something of myself in some of your words. as far as wanting to succeed, it sounds like you do have the will but at the same time... you feel a part of yourself just doesn't and is clouding your path and clarity.

the part which really struck me is how you say that this is your awakening... and I understand that feeling from my own extreme personal setbacks.

I've burst through the "prison walls" as you put it for brief periods (less than a month usually and on another occasion for a couple) to find that what I labeled my undefeatable-subconscious-worst-enemy was really the sum of all the parts of myself that hadn't yet been integrated. by causing you pain or holding you back from feeling whole and direction, they're sending you flares for your help.

the key is to realize that there are no prison walls. when you realize the negative power over yourself and hold all of that perspective in your awareness and instead of fighting it - just accept it..... it will wither away and reveal yourself. you really don't want to fall into the trap of trying to vilify your separated parts because it will only cause you internal conflict.

my problem and possibly yours was over intellectualizing what was going on inside of me when there was disorder only to come up with more disorder and then applying positivity on top of it like a bandaid. I built three dimensional worlds out of my thoughts and my feelings and I was convinced that through these virtual mental worlds I would find my truth and my spiritual salvation. it never came until I understood what I was doing to myself and admitted that I had failed.

truth of the matter is that I was driving myself mad trying to spiritually vivisect myself when the answer was to simply stop doing these things and go back to life with contemplation and experimentation. if you trust your limited perspective, you can be easily led astray. it's the universal truths which will keep you grounded.

if you weren't loved, you wouldn't even exist. the universe is a very kind mother and she's teaching you the lessons you need to live your life's purpose. if you can, try to establish very basic landmarks of truth in your logic about your life. first of all, you are loved. second, you have a reason to uncover about why you are here, and third... you are infinitely more than you realize.

I'm really looking for ways to truly cement the lessons I've learned so I can always truly KNOW them like I do at my best but without changing my life and my routines so that I surround myself with my higher values which make these truths self evident... it hasn't ever magically happened by willpower alone.
The feeling that I *think* that you're talking about has only ever brought me to the brink of the realization that I need to dig deep inside to see what is resisting and then do something different.

anyway, what ramblings! if I'm no help.. its still been fun!

ps - your journey didn't start today. it started the day you were born.

[Brigid]

Transit, I am hearing you, although I have the inability to express it right now.
We are expressing, living what we beleive and hungering to manifest more, in spite of the ods, knowing full well, that most give up, while they are on the threshold of a dream.
The question I ask myself, is 'who's dream is this?' 'who's conviction is this?" mine, or some one elses............'do I really understand what I think i understand?'

Blueberry, I resonate with you as well.
Especially about the truth of the universes unchanging love for us, and also, th prison of disorder and optimistic band-aids we wear.

When will we KNOW that we know, and move like lucid dreamers through our days and nights.?
I tell myself, it will happen day by day, if I stop thinking it through and feel it, as the still small voice that is forever trying to point the way amidst the noise of our internal chatter.

The summary of Harry Potters "Goblet of Fire" as I see it, lay in the words, "our choice is between what is right, and what is easy"

Thought provoking, to say the least. But tied in here directly in my mind.
For us analytical types, perhaps feeling we are loved and everything will be fine is right so be willingly open (truth), and vivsecting is easy, (stumbling block).

I am babbling because there seem to be no words that can accurately express. Perhaps this is a good sign.........less words, less analysis, more love and action from the heart beyond words.
Please excuse the typos.....

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by transit

Greetings! I am attempting to confess my biggest secret of all. Strap yourself in, because I intend to confuse you. Now, I am in a crucial part of my life this moment, so despite what the best advice is, I will take on the issue a priori and fight it myself. Do I act this way because I feel the dedication to succeed.? Yes, somewhat. But, it's not only that, it's much more. “It” is apart of me, but not ME, you see? I feel more human by tackling my own problems. My opponent is a mere diversion of reality, created by my subconscious mind. Sure, it's a formidable opponent, but it will one day translate into priceless insight. My foe cannot be considered just another 'notch on the belt' if defeated. Why? Because it is a prison cell. If I burst through these walls, life becomes clear and everything takes on a new meaning. The prison cell is life suppressed. I am but a fly bound to the spider's cob webs. I become subservient to the creator, you see. This spider must keep close and make it's presence felt in order to obtain my subservience. I can wiggle and scream all I like, but until I fiercely attack with new tactics, I remain a puppet. This is much more than a disorder, you know. It is my awakening. My foe is my own seed of life. The seed must be put in it's place. Accept imitators, I do not [/Yoda].

Have you taken a guess yet? I'm sorry, but if I try any differently, the message still becomes clouded. “It” haunts my well-being, my assertiveness, my memory, my health, my life. “It” may have been inherited. Regardless, with “it” around, I can only see the path below for a brief instance. “It's” presence takes me to a grimy, puzzling place I do not like. Clear becomes a single stride, not a refreshing walk, like it used to be. Vagueness. Yes, I know. I cannot do any differently right now. “It” can make me a stump at times. Why? How? I care not. I created it, so I'm putting it on myself to dispose of the garbage. “It” is non other than [acute] Ianrehopzschi.<- Just so you taste it for yourself.

I only have a vague idea of why I started this thread. It's all convenient in a twisted way. My journey is starting today. So, if anything, I made this thread in the hope of a few words of encouragements. Perhaps I made it to keep me focused. I wish I knew.

I will end my hysteria with a quote from my great, great, great Aunt, Harriet Beecher Stowe: “Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” It is NOT bigger than me and I WILL see victory. The germination has begun.

Stay True and Live Graciously,

transit

Ah welcome to the great (or short) journey.

Freedom from the mind is a beautifull thing.

The thing is, fighting the mind is like fighting the darkness while you can just step into the light.

I suggest Tolle to nuke the mind.

Overload 'it' untill it can handle no more and you are dragged into the now kicking and screaming (or perhaps peacefull and happy).

Have fun and be free.