I could really use some advice.

[Seance]

Alright, here is the deal.


I'm currently living at home with a horrendously toxic father who makes the whole household miserable. I'm stuck cleaning up after and cooking for a household of 6. I am unemployed, and I don't have a driver's license. It's been this way for the past 6 years. Any time I ask for help, or to be taken out to practice, nothing ever really comes of it. Only in the past year and a half have I seen any amount of improvement to the situation (I now have a restricted license to learn with, actual practice).

And now for about the only good news. My aunt and uncle have offered me aid and a spare room of theirs in Florida. They want to get me out of this situation and start working towards my independence. And my dog is welcome .

I just don't know whether to go or not. Their financial situation isn't terribly good. I don't want to burden them, but they want to get me my first vehicle, pay for my plane ticket, etc.



I've worked for my father in the past, caring for/breeding dogs and selling them online/locally. He never gave me any kind of pay that I deserved ($200 for me when he would easily get $10,000 a litter), he had me stick with him because he said he was starting a business afterwards and needed me. I didn't do enough to get out of the house, I dropped out of high school, I technically have no work experience, etc. I also have no money...

I don't mind work. I know it'll be tough, and I'll have to give up pretty much everything I have. Something needs to change... I think this is it.

I could sell my collectibles and try selling anything else I have (bass guitar/amp) to at least ease the transition, or to make it easier on my aunt and uncle. I'm just scared of the uncertainty of it all. I know it would be for the best...

Any help?

[Dave Kaminski]

Sensitive situation obviously, but I think, in my extremely humble opinion, that you should jump on the opportunity to break free from whatever chains seem to be holding you back. With this move, however, is the FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS.

You must hold yourself accountable for all results you have once you've left. Don't let your past affect your future, just be proactive in the present, so your future will soon be a proactive past.

Best of luck

[ludlow]

As I'm sure you realize, this isn't a decision that some people on the internet can help you with much, since they don't know all the details.

What they can do, though, is read your words with a fresh set of eyes. And doing that, it seems clear to me that this move is something you do want to make.

(I guess I might adjust this advice if you're under 18 though. It's hard to tell from your post.)

[Wanderer]

It seems that if you stay where you are you'll never get where you want to get to, therefore the only sensible option seems to be to move out. You could go and live with your aunty or uncle, or you could try and get a job first and find your own place locally to move to. I dont know what the money sitiuation is like where you are, but in the UK you could probably get a $300 a week pay and then a $140/150 a week rent, its not much but at least your on your own two feet and not relying on anyone else

Hope you can sort out your situation, good luck

[Seance]

Originally Posted by ludlow

*snip*
(I guess I might adjust this advice if you're under 18 though. It's hard to tell from your post.)

I'm going to be 22 in December.


Yeah, I guess the real choice is whether or not to do it on my own, or accept the offer from my aunt and uncle. I guess I was just fishing for encouragement. It's always nice to get an outside perspective though.

[Andrew Brunelle]

You should understand that before it gets better, it's going to get worse. You need to get out, though. Even if you have no money, you can get a job, it's not that bad, or you can start a company or something. You got to get out of there though, from what I've read and if you need money, you should get a job doing something you can tolerate.

[cftwo]

I think you want to go, that you will get some good opportunities if you go, and that if you go it looks like you will have a support system to get you started in Florida. Plus, you seem to feel "stuck" in your current situation. In your shoes, I'd take your aunt and uncle's offer, sell what you can, and maybe plan to go, find a job, save some money and move into your own place when you can. (I'd be even more inclined to go if they live someplace with a good public transportation system.)

As for their financial situation - you can offer to pay them rent after you get a job and that will help them out. If you end up staying in the area, you can help out with little things that will save them money. Or, they may just want you to "pay it forward" and help out someone else when you're able to in the future.

[kahless]

I was in a similar type of situation when young. Can't tell you what to do but maybe my experience will be helpful in making your decision.

I had to move out. There was no way for me to move forward until I got away from both the negative vibes around me and lack of control over my own life. Because of my upbringing I thought I was unable to make it on my own and, like you, was offered a chance to live with relatives who wanted to help. I moved in with them, got a job first thing, and paid them back the transportation costs as my first priority. I also made an arrangement to pay them rent over their objections - they agreed on a much reduced amount on the condition that I saved an equal amount for my own place. It was important for me to not only take control of my life but to also take responsibility for myself.

It was tough but the mental suport I got from my relatives was priceless. I moved out as soon as I was able, but often went back for dinners and fun times. I can never really fully pay them back except to continue to grow into the type of person they can be proud to have helped.

You sound determined to succeed - don't turn away from the people who want to help you get there.

[ahimel]

Don't actually have any new advice, just adding a vote to the "go for it" team.

Also, I'd be happy to help you brainstorm ways you can make money or in some way contribute to your aunt & uncle's house when you get there. PM me if interested.

[Trina]

Your situation sounds similar to mine about 5 and a half years ago. I was living in a house with my mother (that didn't raise me because of drug issues she still had at the time) and her boyfriend and his daughters, and my aunt and her son. When my grandparents (who did raise me) passed away, they all moved in and scavenged free rent (since the house was paid off) and utilities (paid up in advance for a year before they passed) and the whole situation was extremely toxic. There was a lot of yelling and screaming, not to mention the drug use still going on by my mother and her boyfriend. I was going crazy there, and I was the only one who would lift a hand to do any work around the house, but because I was the only one who was living there before my grandparents passed on and had nowhere else to go, I felt stuck. I had no job because I had spent the last year of my grandfathers life taking care of him full time.

A friend of mine from the internet that I had met in person one time months before offered a place for me to stay with her a few states away. She had known a lot of the people I grew up with (she joined the church I belonged to a few years after I left it) and had just moved up to Idaho and thought that I needed a new start, and especially to get out of the toxic situation I was in. I had all of the same concerns as you do. I did NOT want to be a burden to this person I hardly knew, but I knew that if I stayed where I was I would risk my life getting worse and worse until I could get myself out on my own.

So, I took her up on it. I paid her back by doing housework and watching her kids for her and we became instant friends. Now here we are, 5 years later, and we live next door to each other and I married her brother! If I hadn't gone, not only would I have been stuck in that toxic situation that would have delayed me finding my independence (if EVER), but I would have never met Adam, who is the best person I have ever met. I am so glad I took a chance.

Now, I am not saying that you should do the same just because of what happened to me. What I am saying is that you should take a good look at your plan to better your life while you are there and decide if it's worth it to take that risk. I understand that you don't want to burden your aunt and uncle, but they LOVE YOU and maybe helping you won't be a burden. There are ways to pay them back even if you don't go into the situation with a bank account full of cash. Talk to you aunt and uncle about your concerns and work something out with them beforehand so that you can go feeling like you aren't going to just take a toll on them, if you do decide to go.

Also, I agree with whoever said you can't let your past effect your future. You are the same age I was when I left, and you are at a point in your life where as guilty as you may feel, you HAVE to learn to take care of yourself first and foremost or you will never be able to take care of anyone else.

Whatever you do, good luck!!

[Cassie]

Hi Seance. I think you should give this opportunity an honest shot. If worst comes to worst, you could always come home again, right? It will probably be a big adjustment but I think you'll learn to be highly successful if you remained focused. It sounds like it may be a wonderful opportunity to follow your dreams in the States, if that is where your heart is guiding you.

Good luck, and please let us know how it turns out.

[kmr321]

Yeah i always like to believe you should never reject help when you need it, even if you dont want it. And you sound as though you do.

[lbp]

Hi Seance,
since the old adage is, If I was only 22 (or whatever) again and have all the knowledge I have now....You've really got the world by the tail girl, you just don't know it....you said, you have no work experience, and you have no money....well after being a dog breeder myself, I'd say you have training...
Do you love those puppies, I always did, and breeding is just the beginning...start thinking about it.....to what kind of places could you offer your expertice in handling dogs and puppies.....I know someone who actually built a business of (sorry guys) being available to come clean your yard of doggie doo......Florida $$$$$$$$$$$, all kinds of possibilities,,,, you have a dog....did you train it,,,,you could become a Jr Handler.....Dog Shows.....big bucks $$$$$ and to make bucks on the side, there's always people who need younger people to help exercise their dogs, might just be a good start....think of what you'd like to do,,,start small,,,work your way up.....
Oh are you going to have fun.....enjoy young lady....stretch out those wings and fly, and love every minute of it.
Who knows, someday you may be competition for your Dad.....
$10,000 a littler, geez I only wish,,,I'm too old to do it again.....
go for it girl......

[bodhiavttas]

Seance,

You are still very young. I advise you to see this as an opportunity to step back from your environment and realize what you want for your own life. You will find a way to repay your aunt and uncle, you just are blocked from seeing it right now. They do love you and they seem very kind individuals.

You could go to a community college and start learning while getting a part-time job at the school. Maybe take care of dogs at the kennel or dog-sitting, and walking, eventually you could even start your dog-walking business if that is what you wish (I do not advocate breeding animals, because there are countless of unwanted cats and dogs dying in shelters throughout the country every single day). Your possibilities are endless!

You can always go back to where you are now, but if you decide to stay where you are, you might not find the same opportunities waiting for you in the future.

Keep us posted!