Work, Social life and.... World of Warcraft

[ShyBeliever]

Hi everybody.

Im a college student and i want to reconstruct my life and i need some opinions about this. I have average grades in a difficult course, however i think my social life could be better.

Another issue that bothers me is that i dont have a girlfriend right now and i feel i need one. Im not very talented in the art of seduction so i think this part of my life should have some work devoted by me.

Besides, i love video games. I have a deep passion about this hobbie and it has been part of me all my life. Im a World of Warcraft player and i love it. I know this hobbie can make things harder in what comes to social life and girls so im reducing my playing time and increasing my social life sucessfuly. But i feel i still need World of Warcarft and video games in general to motivate me, to give me the opportunity to escape from reality for a while, to relax and to feed my inner passion about video games.

After all this i have 2 questions:

1- Where do you think is better to focus more? To focus more in trying to get a girlfriend and a larger social life? Or is it better to focus more in a construction of a solid professional career which can give me confidence for a happier and more fullfilling social life? (Which is what im doing now)

2- Is it possible to get the most of the 3 worlds? I mean... is it possible to manage my time and my schedule in order to focus in my career, social life/girls and World of Warcraft in a balanced way?


Thanks

[ella]

My best friend met her husband in World of Warcraft.

They now lead a guild together and meet up with their guild members regularly at cyber cafes to play together.

[Ilya]

First of all, welcome to the forums.
I'll answer your questions in reversed order.
2) Yes.
1) Focus on finding the balance between the three.

And, I hate to say that, but you might have to sacrifice WoW to get the social life working. You are a young man and it is usual for a young man to have videogames as a hobby most of his life. At your age childhood and adolescence take up a huge portion of your life. However, it is not the reason to keep it this way.

Also I've noticed that you wrote:"solid professional career which can give me confidence for a happier and more fullfilling social life?".

This is a pretty dangerous belief. I don't think that a career can do much for a happier and fulfilling social life. What if you don't have a career at all? No social life then?

If anything, good social connections can lead to career advancements. It does not work the other way around.

[Cron]

Pretend that you are an old man nearing the end of your life and you are reflecting on how you spent your time. Which scenario would make you feel better in that position?

1. Realizing you spent 50 years spending most of your free time playing games on a computer when you weren't at your luke warm interesting job earning anaverage salary

2. Realizing that you spent 50 years having a number of rewarding romantic relationships and friendships while working in a career that you found stimulating as well as financially rewarding.

[Cron]

Originally Posted by ShyBeliever

But i feel i still need World of Warcarft and video games in general to motivate me, to give me the opportunity to escape from reality for a while, to relax and to feed my inner passion about video games.

You don't need to play video games. You enjoy playing video games. If you could not play video games you would not die, starve, or get sick. You can and would find ways to enjoy yourself doing other things.

I'm a big fan of the idea of "self talk" shaping your life.....and I am a big fan of the truth so I had to point that out.

If you truly love video games so much, why not use that as motivation for a career. Become a games programmer and learn to look at your time in class as contributing to your passion for video games rather than taking away from it?

Learn some time management and pencil is some time to have a life.......friends, girlfriends, etc.

[Marvinq]

I honestly think focusing on your future is the most important. So, focus on setting up your career and being social. Don't focus on getting a girlfriend at all. You need to minimize the drama in your life and believe me girls come with a lot of drama and a lot of time.

You have to think about the kind of happiness that is long term versus the kind "instant gratification".

Doing whatever it is you need to do to secure your career is going to bring you more stability for the long haul. Also, I believe being social is very important.

World of Warcraft is a great game, I also have a character. What's your toons name? Just practice restraint. It's ok to balance this in your life.

[Ilya]

Originally Posted by Marvinq

I honestly think focusing on your future is the most important. So, focus on setting up your career and being social. Don't focus on getting a girlfriend at all. You need to minimize the drama in your life and believe me girls come with a lot of drama and a lot of time.

You have to think about the kind of happiness that is long term versus the kind "instant gratification".

This is interesting Marvinq. I would never thought that girls fall into the category of instant gratification.
In fact, WoW fits that definition much better.

I could understand if you just prioritized the career over girls. I don't agree, but I can understand. But avoiding relationships with girls because they require a lot of time... I think it is a bad advice. And it is bad from a long term perspective. Because starting to learn your ways around girls when you feel that you already need to marry, is a bit too late.

I think, being with a relationship with a significant other is a very obvious part of the life. And I can't say a person's life is balanced if it does not has a place for an intimate relationship.

[Mremedia]

I would say limit your WoW playing to maybe 1-2 nights per week; if you are part of an active raiding guild that may be hard to explain to them, but if you are a contributing member they should be willing to make the sacrifice to keep you as a member.

I would say that the odds of meeting a potential partner through WoW are pretty slim.. definitely the exception and not the rule.

Having an active social life isnt the end-all of meeting people, I met my wife completely by chance, through a client I was working with. So yes, career CAN lead to relationships, in an indirect sort of way.

Now to completely contradict my last statement, careers can also destroy relationships, and prevent new ones. If you find a rewarding career and are successful with it, you may not have the time to play games, or even to have a social life at all. Look at all the single doctors out there.. too busy working to have a life.

I stick to my first statement of limiting time spent playing games. Get out and do other things that you enjoy, and put yourself into situations to meet others who enjoy the same things you do. That's a great way to meet compatible people, and to form relationships of all kinds.

And in response to the statement above that relationships require lots of time etc: all good things take effort. Nothing worthwhile comes easy.

[Jim11]

I think you're asking questions that only you know the answer to.

If you are a video game addict and play 10 hours once you start playing then maybe it isn't something you can balance. If you can log on and play for 1-2 hours to relax then I'm sure you'll be fine with that.

You shouldn't have a problem balancing career goals with looking for a good woman and getting in enough social time. Unless you start telling potential dates that you can't go out because your gaming character is about to level up...

[Marvinq]

Ilya,

I apologize I didn't mean to offend.

I didn't mean to place girls in "Instant gratification" category necessarily, at least not in the way I think you're taking it. What I mean is in a sense, it seems people believe that once they get a boyfriend/girlfriend they will be instantly happy. But, I feel that you shouldn't be in a relationship until you really feel you can devote time into it long term. IMO, Working and studying through college just isn't a good time for it.

IMO, I really believe at least in the college years, that students place too much emphasis on having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Almost just for the sake of having one. Without really knowing the time, effort and commitment it takes to maintain a healthy happy relationship. You can always turn off a game. You can't turn off a girlfriend or relationship. Unless you just break things off.

And if parents are paying for a their kids education or even if the kid is paying for it himself, are you telling me that kid should focus on getting a significant other over his studies? There are people fighting just to get into college. You don't get into a great college to get an advanced education and focus on getting a girlfriend over your career/studies.

Relationships take time, relationships can be full of drama and it's not always happy. Yeah, balancing this, that and the other thing sounds nice. But is it fair to start a relationship when you don't have enough time to devote to it? I really feel when you decide to enter into a relationship you better be able to put in the time, effort and commitment that person deserves and not half*ss it.

And that it's ok to not be with someone. There's nothing wrong with it. Especially if you're in a college university working on the beginnings of your career. That's my .02 cents. I didn't mean for my point to come out that way, I didn't mean to offend you and I apologize if I did.

[ConsciousPilot]

In college, the last thing you need is a girlfriend. The point of college is to get educated, not just in academics, but in life. Try experimenting with all sorts of different females. I have friends who have had 1 or 2 girlfriends for their entire 5-6 years at college, and thats the only experience with girls they have had. It's good to get laid, but I'd stay clear of having a girlfriend unless she is the EXCEPTION to the rule. It's good to keep your options open.

I have a girlfriend now, but she IS the exception to the rule - the anomoly. Other relationships I have had were full of drama and in the end I would feel worse, rather than better in them. It took me 23 years of searching to find her. She packs me bowls and feeds me while I play video games. What more could I ask for?

Girls can be alot of drama, and bullshit. And when they are, remember that you have the option of kicking them to the curb. In the end, do what you really want, be what you really want.

I used to play WoW too, had 2 level 60 druids. I'm a hardcore pvp gamer, and to be honest, to even compete in WoW, you have to sacrifice an incredible amount of time for items. I don't like being outclassed in PVP because I don't raid 5 nights a week.

Instead, now I play DOTA (a kick ass warcraft 3 mod) and some other computer games instead which I find has way better PVP.

To answer your question: Only you will be able to know when you are in "balance." Balance is a subjective term defined by yourself. If you believe that playing World of Warcraft is nerdy and hampering your ability to get some tail, then it will. If you believe that you're that guy that can own all the newbs and get all the girls IRL, then you will be that guy. Reality is your canvas, so make it what you want =)

[lifequest]

Girls can be alot of drama, and bullshit.

And guys aren't? Give me a break!

[Lucas]

Start treating life as a game. I was a great guild leader (I playes Asherons Call for 3 years, ShadowBane for 2 and WoW for 3), who also was good at making money in the Auction House. I thought, "Well, why not transfer this into real life?" And now I do, and I find it much more fun...for many reasons, but the main reason is because I am now building up myself, as opposed to an on screen avatar. While the leveling isnt as fast, and the loot is harder to come by, the experience is much much richer. I still play games, though its mainly Shmups and Fighters. I do love the experiences I had playing MMOs, but it just doesnt compare to the real life experience. A noise and flash of rainbow colors to indicate level is nothing like when you have the realization of how much better a person you are compared to a time previous!

Balance is the key to it all though.

[Ilya]

Originally Posted by Marvinq

Ilya,

I apologize I didn't mean to offend.

I'm not offended at all, sorry if I gave you this impression.

What I mean is in a sense, it seems people believe that once they get a boyfriend/girlfriend they will be instantly happy.

I see what you mean. In a sense it is not far from truth. If one is in love and this love is answered... well you can say it is very close to happiness. The brain is bathing in some whacky chemicals at that time

But, I feel that you shouldn't be in a relationship until you really feel you can devote time into it long term. IMO, Working and studying through college just isn't a good time for it.

Ok, that is what I disagree with. Even if you study your butt off, college is still one of the freest times in the life of a common western man. There is a lot of flexibility and there is a huge margin for error. After college, there usually comes mind-numbing job or not so mind-numbing, but still time-consuming business. Besides, when you are out of college it is time, when most people who get to college start to struggle for life for the first time - even if just in a form of paying their own bills. And it takes a lot of adjustment. Time after college may be tough. And learning how to build relationships can be tough. And when two tough things collide, it is easy to put one off for later, isn't it. And it usually not the bills paying that is being put off. It's best to start learning about relationships when it is made easier by the college environment. There is time, there is plenty of girls to socialize with and there are very few obstacles for that really. I didn't realize that until out of college, but the adults sometimes have to go to certain places just to meet women, who are not their colleagues, not total strangers, etc. It is unbelievable, how easy it is to get acquainted with girls and new people in general while in college.

So, my opinion, is that it is an illusion that it gets easier to build relationships when out of college. And college is the great place to start learning how to balance - love and study. It is a place where mistakes can be made in both areas and they can be easily fixed.

IMO, I really believe at least in the college years, that students place too much emphasis on having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Almost just for the sake of having one.

That is true. It can take ugly forms. But the underlying belief that one should have a significant other is healthy. And to find your match takes some experiments. Some learning.

Without really knowing the time, effort and commitment it takes to maintain a healthy happy relationship. You can always turn off a game. You can't turn off a girlfriend or relationship. Unless you just break things off.

But there is no other way to know the necessary time, effort and commitment, you need to try it. You can't look it up in a book. Well you can, but you wouldn't believe it And yes, first relationships do fail sometimes. This is expected. The good thing, is that these ones are unlikely to be the relationships with the "only one". Exactly because we are inexperienced and tend to choose wrong people for wrong reasons.

And if parents are paying for a their kids education or even if the kid is paying for it himself, are you telling me that kid should focus on getting a significant other over his studies? There are people fighting just to get into college. You don't get into a great college to get an advanced education and focus on getting a girlfriend over your career/studies.

No, I'm saying that you can do both. That was my advice to the topic starter. Otherwise your logic will carry you this far:
"The person's parents or he himself has got him great education. It would be a waste if it doesn't result in a brilliant career. Are you telling me that kid should focus on getting a significant other over his career? There are people fighting just to get such a good job. You don't get into great job to start a great career and focus on getting a girlfriend over your career".

Oh, you actually mentioned the career yourself. Then tell me, when does this logic stops to work? When you are out of the college? I don't think so. When you've reached a certain position in a company? When you earn a certain amount of money? When you are 40? When you are having your first heart attack? When do you wake up and decide that now is indeed the time to focus on finding a girlfriend?

If you can answer that, it'll be interesting to listen. But I just think that this is a faulty logic. The purpose of our life is never to have a certain career. But having a partner is usually a part of our purpose. So whatever money someone's parents pay for his education it is not the reason to avoid building relationships.

Relationships take time, relationships can be full of drama and it's not always happy. Yeah, balancing this, that and the other thing sounds nice. But is it fair to start a relationship when you don't have enough time to devote to it? I really feel when you decide to enter into a relationship you better be able to put in the time, effort and commitment that person deserves and not half*ss it.

I've wrote it before. If one can't find the time for love in college, one won't find the time for it later. Not because there is no time. Simply because one doesn't know how to and should start learning. As soon as possible.

And that it's ok to not be with someone. There's nothing wrong with it.

If that's what you believe that is your choice. I choose to believe that it is definitely not ok.

Especially if you're in a college university working on the beginnings of your career.

And I choose to strongly believe that this is a worst reason not to be with someone.

That's my .02 cents. I didn't mean for my point to come out that way, I didn't mean to offend you and I apologize if I did.

Again, I'm not offended in any way. I just disagree with you.

[Ilya]

Originally Posted by ConsciousPilot

Try experimenting with all sorts of different females. I have friends who have had 1 or 2 girlfriends for their entire 5-6 years at college, and thats the only experience with girls they have had. It's good to get laid, but I'd stay clear of having a girlfriend unless she is the EXCEPTION to the rule. It's good to keep your options open.

Unlike Marvinq, you do not reject having a relationship right away. But somehow you reduce it to getting laid. Hopeless romantic in me tends to disagree with that also. But at least you are for trying and learning. But let's not forget that relationships are not just about getting laid. And at some point the most difficult thing to learn is how to not keep your options open.

Girls can be alot of drama, and bullshit. And when they are, remember that you have the option of kicking them to the curb.

No you don't. You have the option to responsibly end the relationship, while caring about the well-being of your partner.

[ConsciousPilot]

Originally Posted by Ilya

Unlike Marvinq, you do not reject having a relationship right away. But somehow you reduce it to getting laid. Hopeless romantic in me tends to disagree with that also. But at least you are for trying and learning. But let's not forget that relationships are not just about getting laid. And at some point the most difficult thing to learn is how to not keep your options open.

Hello Ilya, thank you for your response.

I'm just talking about the end result of dating, which is the big bang Of course the company can be good too, as well as a host of other benefits from a relationship.

I for one feel that college is a great time for sexual exploration, perhaps it is because I am a man though. I'm in my sexual prime at 24 years of age, and consequently no suprise that my girlfriend is in her prime at 28 years old =)

The problem with a relationship is that it takes time. In my opinion, it's not worthwhile to have a relationship where both parties don't have ample time to commit to it.

In college, commiting such a large chunk of time to a relationship is a big decision. By doing so, you'll also incur opportunity costs of other things and people that you could have done, but spent the time in the relationship instead =P

No you don't. You have the option to responsibly end the relationship, while caring about the well-being of your partner.

I believe that you have the option to do whatever you want. You have the option to responsibly end the relationship if you choose, or if you find yourself in a situation you need out of quick, you have the option of "kicking her to the curb."

And I didn't mean it in an American X lets open her mouth, curbstomp her and step on her skull until her jaw snaps in half way . Only unless she REALLY makes you mad! lol

[ConsciousPilot]

Originally Posted by lifequest

And guys aren't? Give me a break!

Sure, guys can be a ton of drama too.

I was making an assumption that the initial poster was straight, not gay. If he was gay, then you're right, he'd have to worry about drama from guys in a relationship, not from girls!

[m0vingon]

I play WoW too. I know a lot of young guys in your exact position. The story is so much the same, I could swear that you are one of the people I know through the game. What does that say? Probably that WoW has a very strong pull and is a very easy way to escape facing the challenges of life. That's not a judgment, believe me, I'm not one to judge. But I do think it's somewhat of a fact.

There are a million ways to find an answer to your questions. You've gotten some very logical advice already. In reality, the only way to find the answer that will work is for you to determine what it is you REALLY want and make a plan that will get you there.

Don't fall into the limited thinking that you can only excel in one area of your life at a time. You can excel in all areas of life- love, school, and even managing WoW, you just have to be focused and willing to put in the physical, emotional, and mental work required. GL2U

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by Ilya

I've wrote it before. If one can't find the time for love in college, one won't find the time for it later. Not because there is no time. Simply because one doesn't know how to and should start learning. As soon as possible.

Hmm....given my situation....maybe you can give my some advice on how to be in a relationship with someone? You think it's possible? For a struggling college student trying to be improve his Life, but struggling at that part too? Don't say I don't have social skills, because if by "social skills" talking to a woman yeah I know how to do that.

[Ilya]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

Hmm....given my situation....maybe you can give my some advice on how to be in a relationship with someone? You think it's possible? For a struggling college student trying to be improve his Life, but struggling at that part too? Don't say I don't have social skills, because if by "social skills" talking to a woman yeah I know how to do that.

Ok. I assume that "my situation" means what I've quoted.

Step zero is to check, whether you agree with me at all. We are on a forum and share our humble opinions. I'm sharing mine, based on my values. Your values may be different. I base mine on the fact that I've met many middle-aged people who regret spending too much time on career and not enough time on relationships. I've never met a person, who regreted spending too much time building relationships and too little on career. I did however meet people who have regretted spending to much time on promiscuous sex, booze, parties, video games, drugs, you-name-it, and not becoming the people they could have, but I think it is a slightly different story.

Now. From your quote I get that you divide improving your life and being in a relationship. The first step would be to start perceiving relationship building as part of your life.
Then, take a sharp turn and split your life in areas. Academics, Health (Fitness, Sports, etc.), Social, Recreation or something like that. The parts of your life can be different. There can be more of fewer than what I'm suggesting.
Then you can evaluate how much time you dedicate to each area of you life now. It can be a percentage and can be represented with a pie chart.

Then identify the ratios that you'd like to see. I'm not saying that all parts must be equal, although it is a good starting point. All important areas of you life should all have non-zero, or better "practical minimum" values. "Practical minimum" is a smallest value that is required for an area to be effective. There is no point to dedicate just 1% of your time to academics, similarly, there is no point to dedicate just 1% of your time to building relationships.

By the way, at this point you may realize how much there is in your life and how little time can be dedicated to each activity. Probably that's what you are experiencing right now. And while trying to focus on some areas of the life you may be forgetting some strategically important areas of your life.

After you've balanced your life on paper, it is time to balance it for real. Take the hours you've allocated to each area of the life and spend them improving that area.

You probably already know how to improve academics. I'll suggest how to improve relationships.
You write that you know how to talk to girls. That's a great start. Start talking with a girl you'd like to date. I hope there is one? If not... well, try to understand what attracts you in girls. What do you like about them, what you don't. Which one you'd like to be with, not just have sex. I suppose the girl would be someone you see from time to time around you. Go talk to her. Find pretext. Be interested, it shouldn't be hard if you like a person. Find out about her. Talk about what is interesting to her and preferably to you, about your common interests. At the same time, talk to other girls near you. Try to be friendly. I notice that usually guys don't talk to the girls that they are not interested in and too shy to talk to the girl they are interested in. Which makes things hard.
Be nice with all girls around you. Try to see, that there really aren't girls who are not smart, beautiful, charming in their own way. Be a gentleman. This will both build your confidence and improve status with other girls


There is a peculiar phenomenon. People, both men and women, somehow are more interested in a person, who is interesting to other people. My friend who was very skilled with women used to go to "charity dates" with the ugliest and most unpopular girls at school. He could (and did) date the most popular girls, but once in a while he would approach one of the girls no one looked at. He would flirt with them, date with them and did it very publicly. After some time he would make some mistake, like become a friend to that girl or would gracefully end the relationship. But in the end, the girl would have improved her self-esteem and the guys around would suddenly start to perceive her as a possible candidate for a date. Usually, within couple of days such girl would have a boyfriend.

Similarly, the guys who are seen chatting with lot's of different girls, do attract attention and interest from other girls.

Sooner or later, you will find the girl you would like to be with and the feeling is mutual. That is the start of the relationship. You date regularly, you do nice things to her, you become romantic. At some point you become intimate. Everyday you try to add something to a relationship, to make the life of your partner better. There are no solutions at this point. Just the lifetime of learning. That is why I think it should start earlier.

From the time management point, you explain to you girlfriend that you have other commitments in life: to study, and other areas of your life. And that you have a limited time to spend with her. And if you genuinely try to make the most of the time you have alloted, she would understand.

I'm not sure, if my answers are useful or even if I understood the question right, LifeFirst. Then ask more and I will be glad to answer as much as my patchy knowledge of life will allow me.

[Ilya]

LifeFirst, I've read the other thread of yours, on your current situation. I admit that whatever I've written here can wait until the end of term. You are too stressed right now to do such major changes to your life. Do your best with what you've got. But the vacations after the end of the term will be the great way to do all this. You can tie it to the New Year resolutions and so on.

[Nick Hansen]

Originally Posted by ShyBeliever

Hi everybody.

After all this i have 2 questions:

1- Where do you think is better to focus more? To focus more in trying to get a girlfriend and a larger social life? Or is it better to focus more in a construction of a solid professional career which can give me confidence for a happier and more fullfilling social life? (Which is what im doing now)

2- Is it possible to get the most of the 3 worlds? I mean... is it possible to manage my time and my schedule in order to focus in my career, social life/girls and World of Warcraft in a balanced way?

Hi ShyBeliever,

The areas of your life, just like the areas of everyone elses lives, are interconnected

Your career is connected to your social life, which is connected to your physical health, which is connected to your spirituality, which are connected to your finances and so on for the other areas of your life.

If your social life is lacking it is going to affect every part of your life. Perhaps say that you are in a job that you do not believe in, you dont believe that your work is making a difference and it really goes against your values, you have to 'turn off' the value which is conflicting with your career, when you go to work.
As such your spirituality is affecting your career, and as such not enjoying your career in this way, you will find it affecting your physical health because you are stressed, your finances because you are not doing your work well, your social life because you are disatisfied with your career and if reflects in your personality and so on.

You may have noticed that when you have a bad day, it is a really bad day. Thats because when something goes wrong it one part of your life, it echoes throughout the other parts of your life, and you also notice that when you correct this everything seems to get much better.

I would suggest to you to look into loving yourself first, try dating yourself. It is hard, or near impossible for someone to like, let alone love you if you can't even do that to yourself.

In answering your second question, you can find balance, thats what life is all about. Personally, i found that i could not strike up a balance with computer games because of their 'instant gratification' type enjoyment (linked with around 6 years of solid gaming). But everyone is different, and some will have better control than i managed to find.

So if anything you can get out of my post, i would suggest look into finding deep an meaningful satisfaction in every part of your life, do what you love to do and the universe will sort out the details.

Good references:
How Intentions Manifest

Cause Effect Vs Intention Manifestation

Good luck