Why do we judge others on what ''people'' tell us about them?

[kay]

Quick question

Why do we judge others on what ''people'' tell us about them???

[cdn2wheeler]

Because it's easier than finding out for ourselves.

[Angela]

Whatever you think "people" are telling you about the third party, be assured that they are really telling you all about themselves. And whatever you buy into about it, you are telling yourself all about you.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Angela

Whatever you think "people" are telling you about the third party, be assured that they are really telling you all about themselves. And whatever you buy into about it, you are telling yourself all about you.

Oh, I don't know about that. That's a sweeping generalization that I find hard to swallow.

I guess, like everything else, it's dependent upon the context. For instance, I never met Hitler or Pol Pot but I think it's probably a safe bet that the people who told/wrote about them weren't actually talking/writing about themselves. Same with the Dalai Lama (sp?), Gandhi (read Freedom at Midnight... freakin' brilliant look at Gandhi and his life) or Nelson Mandela.

Or *gag* Paris Hilton.

Gossip is one thing. Biography is another.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Oh, I don't know about that. That's a sweeping generalization that I find hard to swallow.

You don't have to swallow it. In my life, though, it's one of the phenomena that never fails to show itself as not a sweeping generalization, but as a law -- if there are exceptions to it, I haven't come across one yet.

I left out the word "judgement" in my last post, though, I now notice. If someone is telling you biographical information about another person, as you say, that's mere reportage. I should have included the word that the OP used -- "why do we "judge" others.." to illustrate what I meant. Sorry for that omission. It should have read:

Whatever you think "people" are telling you about their judgements of the third party, be assured that they are really telling you all about themselves. And whatever you buy into about it, you are telling yourself all about you.

Thanks for pointing that out.

[Addict]

Simply because we have to. We make generalizations, we judge others based on arbitrary things, and we stereotype simply because it's fast and easy. It may not always be effective, but it is efficient. There are too many people and too much information. That's why we make decisions without having all of the necessary information to make the decision.

[kay]

Thx for the replies but i mean like why do some people have hate for some people that have done nothing to them. Then Why do we judge them on what we've heard about them regardless if its true or not.

[Angela]

Do you mean, why are we so eager to jump to a negative judgement, rather than a positive one?

[kay]

Yeah , thats what i mean

[Angela]

Why do you think you do it?

[kay]

i truly don't know

[NotesMaeve]

I find the "telling you about themselves when discussing others" to hold pretty true, but not in the way you'd think. I had a friend who was telling me about my now fiance's ex-wife. This woman was a monster from the description. I trusted my friend, and well, discovered she actually was just a person with a lot of pain and trust issues.

Ex-wife and I will probably never play tennis together. We're radically different people. I am very emotional and let things sort of hang out there. Ex is kind of stoic. Sometimes I expect too much of my fiance and she tends to lean the other way. So I think Ex-Wife is a little stoic and strange, but she is not heartless or cruel or intentionally trying to make my fiance feel like he's immasculated.

I think part of what my friend said at the time was to make me feel "superior" and was trying to be helpful. People are weird, huh?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by kay

i truly don't know

Well, I think my tendency to go there is when my old pain is reactivated -- when my buttons get pushed. When I get flooded by old pain, I go unconscious and try to push the pain out of myself and onto someone else.

So when I recognize a trait in someone else (or think I recognize it) that is a reactivator (a belief I have about myself that I want to prove wrong, or avoid having someone see in me), that's when I'm likely to be seeing something negative in that person. And of course, it's all really mine. But I have to "come to" consciousness in order to recognize my 100% responsibility -- good luck to me!

So there I am, all reactivated, thinking thoughts that don't feel good when I think them, and who am I going to share those thoughts with? Someone I can trust to get reactivated, too! A friend who shares my old pain belief, and who I can count on to get outraged too! Someone who will support me in my unconsciousness.

The way out of this trap is to practice awareness -- being aware that I'm doing it, accepting that I'm doing it, and then letting it go. Again, good luck to me!

Does that resonate for you at all?

[jippykid]

Here's a real life example. I think it applies.

I was driving a while back and got extremely frustrated by another car whose driver had cut me off. The driver then proceeded to swerve in and out of traffic. Being a careful, rule-following driver, I was annoyed by this person, and my annoyance grew and grew. I created scenarios about what I'd do if I saw him stop and get out of the car. I considered calling the police, and then I became irrational. I was allowing myself to be affected in a huge way by this one person's actions.

A little way down the road there was an accident -waiting in bumper-to-bumper traffic wasn't helping my situation. I came to the scene and watched the driver of the car, who'd nearly hit me earlier, get out and run to the back of an ambulance. She was worried about someone close to her, and with good reason.

It made me stop and think. My automatic reaction in these types of situations is to expect the worst of people. Isn't that a horrible lens to view the world through?

Now, I see these types of situations as oppportunities to contemplate what is happening from an alternate perspective. Instead of thinking that I was just running into another jerk on the road, if I make a judgement about what's happening I try to be positive (she needs to get to the church for a wedding, she's late for an important meeting, she's worried about her child home alone) Funnily enough, having this perspective on the matter triggers my empathy, rather than stirring the pot of frustration.

[kay]

Yeah i get that but i mean for example people gossip about someone, someone they don't even know. Like if someone said so and so is bad and we're like yeah they are , but we don't even know him, we've never even met them. Why do people react that way, i thought it also would be something to do with ego. Finding faults in others maybe gives us comfort.

Dont know if im making sense

[Angela]

Originally Posted by kay

Finding faults in others maybe gives us comfort.

That's what I was saying.

When our old pain gets activated, we offload it onto others. A third party is an easy target because they're not there to refuse our "gift." And we're clever enough to pick people to gossip with who will resonate with our old pain and keep it alive.

That's how the ego thrives -- by keeping us unconscious and making us think our thoughts and our pain is who we are.

[Ilya]

Originally Posted by Angela

Do you mean, why are we so eager to jump to a negative judgement, rather than a positive one?

Can answer that? I think it is a wide known fact that negative information spreads much wider than the positive one. Some scientists believe that it's because when we were roaming the savannas, then it was more important to alert the others about a danger (to fend it off collectively) then to alert other about something good (so the one who found it can benefit from it). Yeah, I know it is one of those evolutionary arguments, but it makes sense even now.
You know in 19th century and before, when it was difficult to investigate crimes, the mere accusation was as bad as the death sentence. Hence the importance of reputation and honor, hence the readiness to protect it on a duel to death.
It is hard to be objective and investigate any accusation. It is much easier to avoid the person against whom some accusations are made. Of course, the reputation of the source of accusation also plays role, but overall, sometimes we make our impression from what other people are saying. The habit of relying on the media to form our (public) opinion does not help either.

It is sad, because in the ideal world we should meet any new person unbiased and objectively. But this is one of the cases when overcoming social pressure can be really hard.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by jippykid

Here's a real life example. I think it applies.

I was driving a while back and got extremely frustrated by another car whose driver had cut me off. The driver then proceeded to swerve in and out of traffic. Being a careful, rule-following driver, I was annoyed by this person, and my annoyance grew and grew. I created scenarios about what I'd do if I saw him stop and get out of the car. I considered calling the police, and then I became irrational. I was allowing myself to be affected in a huge way by this one person's actions.

A little way down the road there was an accident -waiting in bumper-to-bumper traffic wasn't helping my situation. I came to the scene and watched the driver of the car, who'd nearly hit me earlier, get out and run to the back of an ambulance. She was worried about someone close to her, and with good reason.

It made me stop and think. My automatic reaction in these types of situations is to expect the worst of people. Isn't that a horrible lens to view the world through?

Now, I see these types of situations as oppportunities to contemplate what is happening from an alternate perspective. Instead of thinking that I was just running into another jerk on the road, if I make a judgement about what's happening I try to be positive (she needs to get to the church for a wedding, she's late for an important meeting, she's worried about her child home alone) Funnily enough, having this perspective on the matter triggers my empathy, rather than stirring the pot of frustration.

One thing that I have learned to do now is to always try to see things from the other side. From the other party's perspective before really jumping to conclusions, because most of the time, I don't have to jump to anything at all. I'm able to see clear why they are acting in that certain way. And if they need to change their ways, then hopefully some discipline will teach them. But it doesn't mean that we should judge people, because everyone we know is really an extension of yourself, it's almost like judging yourself.

[Jennihul]

It's a throwback to our more primitive brain and it's largely outmoded survival instincts.

Now, we have the ability to access information at our fingertips with internet, cells phones, news, media. Then, when a stranger rode into town, it was gossip that either made him a saint or a monster, depending on what people heard, saw, or imagined. Even further back on the timeline, gossip saved your life on a level that was very primal.

Those portions of our primitive brains still control, fortunately and unfortunately, much of how we filter our perception.

It takes a kind of enlightenment to rise above that kind of needless pettiness. But it's really a difficult task. Try it sometime. No gossip for a week.

Also there is an element uf "us" and "them" that binds people. If I tell you I hate that guy, and you agree with me even though you don't even know him, we deepen our tribal bond.

Jennifer