Talking.... for a quiet person

[hawkal]

I wouldn't really consider myself a shy person. I like to keep myself to myself but I don't think I generally have any problems with approaching anyone or talking for that matter (when a conversation breaks out that is).

The issue I seem to have is I would best describe as a "care" one. In that I don't feel a need to introduce myself, I don't care to answer people sometimes which would be perceived as pretty rude. It doesn't bother me though, that's their problem not mine. I sometimes don't care to explain myself to people when I get something wrong or to prove that I wasn't in the wrong in the first place. I feel no need to prove myself to them which is some respects is probably a good thing. I don't know what it is I usually find that if people say hello to me I will respond but if they don't say hello to me then I don't feel obliged to say hello to them at all. It's kind of like a if you can't be bothered why should I kind of attitude.

The thing I don't like about this is well the result as you can imagine is that I'm a loner. I know that if I don't break this cycle I will always be a loner.

How should I go about feeling a need to be more talkative, say hello to people etc? This is generally in a community of people I've known of for a long time but don't know any of them really. So it's not as if I'm saying hello to compete strangers.

[gerber]

If you know the person you're going to talk to, pick a topic you know you have in common with the other person. You can always walk up to someone and chat about the weather, but that's not very creative. If you know someone's hobby, you can ask a question about that hobby. People always love to talk about themselves and that way you can find out more about that person. Be a good listener and people will want to talk to/with you.

[cdn2wheeler]

Hawkal, let me give you a small bit of what works for me.

I'm a single (well, divorced) guy who has long since gotten over my self-imposed prison of shyness and reticence. But I'm not going to wax poetic about it, I'm going to give you a few hard-and-fast suggestions that you can try, to help you put the rubber to the road:

1. People love eye contact as long as it's non-threatening. Use it. Train yourself to look the other person in the eye, even if it's just to see what colour their eyes are;
2. Virtually everyone will have something on them that's unique. Maybe it's a necklace, or a bracelet, or dangly earrings or a funky jacket. Whatever it is, that's good fodder for conversation. "Say, funky necklace. Where did you pick that up?" Before you know it, she's talking about her trip to South America... a great conversation starter;
3. Remember the context of what's around you. I've had some real success in meeting women in bookstores, libraries and - oddly enough - the grocery store. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say, "Hey, nice yams!" but I have asked, "How can you really tell if a cantaloupe is ripe?" Soon enough, you're talking recipes. Remember, though, especially in the context of a grocery store, that if she's got kids hanging off her and she's clearly in a hurry to get something for dinner and then get home, further conversation might be more of a problem.

Will you strike out from time to time? Will you get rejected?

Yes, of course. That's life; suck it up and move on. It's all practice, it's all a learning experience. Take it as such and you'll be well on your way.

Keep us posted. This is an excellent self-improvement project.

[justkira]

@ Hawkal: do you mind you are a loner??

- if not, enjoy your loner life! is there anything wrong with that??

[Freelancer]

First of all there's nothing wrong with being a loner, don't let other people's perceptions bother you they can never truly know your situation.

Second if you want to change this than you need to find a interest for the other person inside yourself. Now there are two ways to do this, either with self examination and figuring out what you might find interesting about people. Or you can take action that is consistent with a person who finds other people interesting and enjoys vibing with them.

The first way is obviously very personal, not much advice I can give there.

The second way is more general and pretty standard. Just act as though you are the person you want to be, keep in mind though that your not trying to change your core just the outer shell. It can really **** with your mind if you feel that your insufficient and need to change, there's a difference between a inner motivation for growth and a outer motivation for more.

Acting as if could be;
Saying hi to strangers
Asking more questions
Hold longer eye contact
Try to actively play a part in conversations
Conveying yourself through your behavior

[midman]

Possibly drinking would solve your problem..

[backpocket]

You don't necessarily have to be more talkative. I myself am generally a private person and I prefer having more alone times compared to hanging out with my friends (around 70/30 I'd say, probably higher on the alone side).

What outcome would you want from this? Do you want to be somebody who can make a lot of small talk? Or to find close friends? Or just a circle of people to hang out?

I'd guess that what you're looking for is to be someone who's more interactive and open. I started to open up more the past few years, but even then I still won't talk much, preferring to just listen actively then relate (I think I only say 1 word for every 10 that they do). Weirdly enough, people will like you more for this.

First thing you should do is figure out what you want, then you can decide what you should change, but remember, it's okay to not be much of a talker. There's so much of them in the world, a listener once in a while would be nice.

[lifequest]

Hi hawkal,

It seems to me like you are more introverted than extroverted. A teacher once explained that the difference between these two types of personnality traits is that an introverted will charge up his batteries while he is alone and deplete his batteries while he talks with others. On the contrary, an extroverted will charge up his batteries while he talks with others, and deplete his batteries while he is alone. Since I consider myself an introverted, I have found that this definition suits me well. Maybe that explains why you don't necessarily feel the need to engage with others?

However, people, whether they are intro/extroverted, like other persons that make them feel good. So, like cdn2wheeler says, a good thing to day is make eye contact, and make them talk about something they like (a hobby, their job, their last vacation, whatever). People feel important and valued when you ask them to talk about themselves (well, most people).

But, I find that this doesn't come easily. You have to pratice it. I still struggle to apply these principals in my daily life, but I'm better than I used to be. I guess the question for you hawkal is to ask yourself if you really want to engage conversation with people, and why. Personnally, when I'm uncomfortable in a conversation, I try to think "how can I make the other person feel good and important?" It may sound silly, but deep down, I think that it's just what everybody wants...

Good day,

Christine

[The David]

Originally Posted by hawkal

How should I go about feeling a need to be more talkative

It sounds sort of like you're asking, "How can I start feeling like I need something that I don't?" Maybe being a loner isn't so bad. Now, if you're ignoring people and/or responding antisocially, then that is a problem. But really, the world needs more listeners and fewer talkers.

Is this interfering with your ability to form healthy relationships? If so, work on it until it doesn't, but don't change your personality and think that you have to be this talkative, life-of-the-party extrovert that you just aren't.

[Nelson]

Being a loner is a very hard way to live life, from my personal experience. The amount of excitement and energy in a room is increased exponentially when you have good friends with you. I don't think that any human can reach the highest levels of happiness while alone. (Think "Wilson" from Castaway)

Anyways, I reccomend you read the book How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing With People by Les giblin. It's one of the most powerful books on forming really solid relationships that I've ever read and it fully cured me of loner-itis within a few weeks.

The first step I'd take toward meeting people is to start giving out compliments. Everyone enjoys being appreciated. Something as simple as, "That's a really beautiful hairstyle you're wearing" can be enough to get most girls to smile.

Also, try smiling when you are around people. You don't have to be flashing your teeth all the time but if you give a good smile as you meet someone they most likely will smile back.

Getting people to smile is half the battle.

[hawkal]

Thank you everyone for your replies they are most helpful. Also I consider myself a loner by my own definition nobody else's which by my definition means no real life friends (feel bad admitting that). Also I'm not all that sure where I fit in with the whole introvert/ extrovert categories. I don't feel as good being alone as I used to when I was younger out with mates. Also I used to actively seek out others to do stuff with. I sometimes find I can work better alone but also find it more enjoyable with others. Also I never used to find social activities in anyway energy depleting.