Leaving a Roommate with the Lease

[Bing Wu]

Hey everyone,

I've decided that I'd be much happier if I moved out of the apartment I'm now sharing with a roommate. We started living here 3 months ago, and we have 9 months to go in our lease.

My roommate and I have different living habits. I like to go to bed earlier than he does, and also rise later than he does. Thus, sometimes he keeps me from sleeping at night, but also wakes me up in the morning when he showers, makes breakfast, etc. He's messier, doesn't care if the place isn't clean (he's not as germaphobic as I am... and as an economist I know that in any case where one roommate wants cleanliness more than the other, the pickier one must do all the cleaning work).

Now don't get me wrong. My roommate is an otherwise incredibly nice guy. He's great to talk to, very understanding, but he's just ingrained in his habits. I've talked to him about our living situation, and he's said he's okay with taking over the lease for the remaining 9 months if I wanted to move out. The only thing is, I don't feel very good about making him pay the whole rent alone. If I moved out into a 1-bedroom apartment, I couldn't afford to subsidise my now-former roommate's rent.

The whole reason we moved in together was that it was a more cost-effective way of finding an apartment near the university campus. We were roommates in the university dorms a few years ago, so we figured we'd be compatible. The only thing is, I've changed a lot since then - he's still living as though he was in a dorm.

I haven't been very happy with the apartment either since the day we moved in. This is the first time I've lived in a high rise building, and for a variety of reasons I don't particularly like it. I know if I moved back to my old 1-bedroom apartment, I'd be much happier with my living circumstances. So I know there are a multitude of reasons I should stick it out - to be fair to my roommate... I signed a 1-year lease, which is a commitment. But I'm not happy, and so far his waking me at inopportune times is interfering with my studies. Is it wrong if I moved out and left him to take over our lease?

[Erin Pavlina]

Sounds like he said it was okay to do that so I'm not sure you need to feel guilty. If he was in need of another person to help foot the bill then I would suggest waiting until he found someone and then leaving, but it sounds like that isn't necessary.

[RT Wolf]

Explore why you feel guilty. Do you feel as if you're renegeing on an agreement? Well, the situation changed and so does the agreement. Do you feel like you're personally rejecting him? That might be a little harder. That's really what this is about, no? You're trying to figure out why you feel guilty. Try journalling?

I don't think its wrong. If he really said it was ok (and didn't just say it through clenched teeth), its ok. You can try to help him find a new roommate, after asking him if he wants to do that. If you feel that he doesn't actually have teh ability to pay for the whole apartment himself, then you might want ot talk to him about that.

[Brutha]

Maybe you can find someone who would want to live with your friend?

[Bing Wu]

I guess I feel guilty because it is leaving him with a financial burden (which he -can- afford on his own)... and I agreed to a 1-year commitment. It's breaking commitments like this, which is really a contract, that I have a hard time with. Yes, I want out... but some part of me just says "you made a deal, live with it so you'll learn the lesson not to make a deal like it in the future". But 9 months is a long time to be not very happy with the apartment.

[Erin Pavlina]

It's okay to change your mind. Your responsibility is simply to apply the golden rule. If your situation was reversed and he wanted out and you could afford to let him out would you want him to stay if he was unhappy?

[RT Wolf]

^ Wise words.

[Bing Wu]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. If my roommate makes a genuine gesture like he did, he means it - and there is no reason for me to feel bad about it. I've polarized in the sense that I know now that leaving is the right thing to do. I like my roommate as a friend, but not as someone who I want to share my living space with. There are very few people with whom I could do that.

There is only one complication - I found out last night that my old apartment (which I dearly love to the point that it hurts) has just been rented, but the new tenant has not moved in yet. He is a professor at my university, according to my landlady, who is going through a rough period in his life. She describes him as "not being anchored". He fell in love with the apartment the moment he saw it - but this was just in the last week, as my own feelings for the apartment intensified.

So this afternoon, I drove down to my old apartment building and luckily, I managed to do so when the landlady was there. She showed me some other units she had available, but they just didn't connect with me the way my old apartment did. We went up to it and saw it once more. I told her I really wanted the apartment, and that I would appreciate it if she talked to the new tenant to see if he would be happy with another unit in the building (she hasn't shown him the other vacant unit, which was once her mother's... she says she does not show it except to very trustworthy people). All in all, I spent nearly 2 hours at the building talking to her. She is a wonderful woman.

My landlady agreed to ask him if he would be interested in another unit, but she doesn't want to push him. At the same time, I have very strong feelings for the apartment, almost as strong as feelings one might have for a loved one. I am putting out very strong vibrations - which hopefully will be strong enough to put my apartment and me together again.