Truth and Relationships with radical honesty

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Hi guys, here's a take about the benefits of being totally honest in relationships.

Blanton, the guy who wrote about radical honesty, thinks that we should say everything that's on our mind. Weather it will please the other person or not, we should just say it. It's about telling the truth, all the time. No white lies.

Here is a great article about a journalist who decided to apply the radical honest way of commucation : Print I Think You're Fat

The results are very funny and really interesting.

Personaly I like this method of being upfront all the time, and I think it is related to Steve's principle of truth.
However I think this guy is going too far, because he tells things out of the blue all the time without any real purpose other than being "radically honest".
Silence can be good too.

[Angela]

Blurting out every thought that goes through your mind and being aligned with truth are two entirely different things, and collapsing them together is a really excellent way to generate no power and no love.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

yeah I agree with that, but his method is more about not avoiding conflict and not avoiding to hurt someone's feelings in order to have more intimate and truthfull relationships than it is about blurting out every thought.

So I think somehow he may be onto something because his method seems to have very positive results, which I find is quite extraordinary, especially for someone like me who does use white lies to avoid conflict with my close relationships (and also because I'm working to improve in this area of my life right now )

[Parthon]

I think telling the truth is a very powerful exercise in today's muddy world with it's double talk and omissions. Like Angela said though it can be taken too far. Mr NI though is right.

It's about aligning yourself with the truth so you can have deeper and more honest communications with those that really matter. You not only train yourself out of those small white lies and truth omissions, but you also start to train yourself in being more effective in communication. After a while you are saying what you mean, instead of what you think. You gain back your true self expression that was once hidden under layers of deceit. It's fantastic. You also end up changing the way you view the world too. You actually stop thinking things you wouldn't say, especially if you are radically honest.

Some thoughts are better kept to yourself though, as noone really needs to hear your internal dialogue. :P

[Bruce Achterberg]

To be honest, I have a deep craving for completely honest, open interactions where people are not fearful of each other, or of admitting truth to themselves.

Doing the above is more productive if people express themselves fully and have a decent enough understanding of each other, but it's not necessary.

Imagine a world where everyone was honest with themselves and others?

Honesty in alignment with truth, love, and power could quite literally transform the world.

In my experience, whenever I resist being completely open and honest, it points to somewhere where I need to grow. It almost always means I'm out of alignment with truth or love. Why hide something unless you resist it?

Most people opt to hide things because it's "easier" to deal with those who would react to their honesty and openness, but that only silently reinforces the undesirable behaviour that causes people to avoid unobstructed truth in the first place.

Accurate information is never a hindrance. As Steve says, ignorance is not bliss. It's frickin' terrible.

[Bruce Achterberg]

I was radically honest today, actually.

While I was at a Toastmasters meeting I reached behind someone to collect a note that was passed to me and had my pen in my hand. As I did this, I accidentally wrote on the back of the shirt of the person between me and the other person.

After the meeting, I told this person what happened.

Nobody is served by us being secret about things. Secrecy shows that (A) you don't have much of a relationship, and (B) you believe that truth, or the reactions to it, is something you need to hide from.

Reaction may be unpleasant, but conscious living isn't about being comfortable; it's about effectively utilising your potential and enjoying the heck out of your life.

I don't enjoy my life when I run away from things in fear. Fear =/= enjoyment.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by Parthon

You gain back your true self expression that was once hidden under layers of deceit. It's fantastic. You also end up changing the way you view the world too. You actually stop thinking things you wouldn't say, especially if you are radically honest.

It seems indeed that the results of being radically honest are leading to more authenticity, people seem to gain back their true self expression. The more I think about it, the more I think I'll try this for a few days and see the results.
You seem to speak from personal experience, have you actually tried to be radically honest?

Originally Posted by Bruce Achterberg

To be honest, I have a deep craving for completely honest, open interactions where people are not fearful of each other, or of admitting truth to themselves.

Me too , or at least I have things I want to say that need to come out. White lies are a way to cover biger truth that we don't want to face.
It seems that being radically honest is a way to not have any silent underlying conflict. So when we're radically honest and a conflict arises, people who are not fearful of each other can communicate and speak until the conflict is solved, thus have a deeper relationship.

In my experience, whenever I resist being completely open and honest, it points to somewhere where I need to grow. It almost always means I'm out of alignment with truth or love. Why hide something unless you resist it?

What you say here resonate with me. Sure, being radically honest can seem impolite, but in everyday life white lies are mainly used to cover what people resist, not in order to be polite.
Radically honesty seems a good tool for growth. But yeah, trying it out is the best way to find out anyway, so I'm definitely going to make a trial

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

It seems indeed that the results of being radically honest are leading to more authenticity, people seem to gain back their true self expression. The more I think about it, the more I think I'll try this for a few days and see the results.
You seem to speak from personal experience, have you actually tried to be radically honest?

Sort of. I got sick of all my white lies catching up with me, and hurting the relationships with people I care about, so I just gradually stopped lying. I wouldn't suggest being radically honest at the beginning, but a 30 day trial where you *only* say the truth or nothing at all helps as well. People might wonder why you are so quiet if you are a compulsive liar though.

It took about a year from when I first decided to stop lying to when I could honestly say I wasn't a liar any more. Now, after I've seen the other side, I would never want to go back. The grass is definately greener here. Most liars would consider honest people to be gullible or even stupid, but they don't know what they are missing out on. They give up the long term power of their integrity, honesty and trust in order for some temporary short term gains.

When it comes down to it, it's a choice to align with truth or not, and from truth comes integrity, honesty, authority, connection with others and deep trusting relationships.

[Brutha]

I was radically honest today, actually.

I think your example is still in the realm of Steves concept of truth.

It isn't the insulting kind that Blanton talks about. According to his philosophy, if you think that somebody is dumb you should tell them.

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

What you say here resonate with me. Sure, being radically honest can seem impolite, but in everyday life white lies are mainly used to cover what people resist, not in order to be polite.

Much like how people eat cooked food to burry emotions (people who haven't eaten vegan or raw, you won't really experience it until you stop eating cooked food; when you do experience it, it's pretty surprising).

It's more comfortable to eat more cooked food (lie), but ultimately, it doesn't serve you. It's just a big excuse. Fear, in other words.

Being emotionally naked is scary. Ooooh!

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

Radically honesty seems a good tool for growth. But yeah, trying it out is the best way to find out anyway, so I'm definitely going to make a trial

I've found it's really, really helped with my authenticity. Now I just feel like I can be me all the time, because I've worked through any issues that have arisen when I feel like I can't or shouldn't be me.

First thing you can do: sign up to online services (including public forums, etc) under your full name, not a pseudonym.

I did this, and am almost completely pseudonym free (the final account I'm aware of is my YouTube account; still not sure what to do about that, since there are some variables to consider). I find now that I prefer to be me as my full, real name, rather than hiding. It just feels more authentic. People respond differently to you, too.

(On a side note, man it's nice to interact with people who I can easily connect with. Exchanges are so much more productive and not lost in disagreement and fear.)

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by Brutha

I think your example is still in the realm of Steves concept of truth.

It isn't the insulting kind that Blanton talks about. According to his philosophy, if you think that somebody is dumb you should tell them.

I thought someone might mention what you did when I wrote my example (my example was pretty tame).

I've thought about this issue, and I think if you have thoughts that cross your mind that you aren't prepared to share openly and honestly, you have work to do.

Doesn't mean you should share it, but it does mean that you have work to do.

Don't be an ass just to be open and honest, but don't look away from the assy parts of yourself, either.

You want to reach a point where you can say what you're thinking, without editing it to make it sound more palatable.

Something I still need to work on is my thinking. I'm very direct in my thinking and have my own conceptual language. So my brain might automatically draw the conclusion of "stupid" or "fat," but that's just a process operating in isolation, outside of my conscious awareness. I need to condition new thinking-reactive patterns so they're in alignment with the sense of understanding and oneness, so the conclusions I unconsciously jump to reflect my more holistic conscious thinking.

[seeker5]

Honesty is only radical when you're not used to it.

I do applaud the idea of not telling white lies - that's something I've consciously focused on. However, it's one thing to say "yes" to someone who ask you if you think they are fat. However it's another thing to volunteer to them out of the blue "hey I think you're fat and ugly, you need to get in shape...!" That's just wrong.

First thing you can do: sign up to online services (including public forums, etc) under your full name, not a pseudonym.

I haven't seen a correlation between using real name (vs a pseudonym) with authenticity on this forum. People with pseudonyms can be just as authentic, or inauthentic as those with real names. My feeling is that in this forum in general, users with real name tend to be less authentic about problem areas in their lives. On the other hand, users who post anonymously or semi-anonymously through a pseudonym tend to be a lot more forthcoming and authentic about their problem areas. There are of course plenty of exception both ways, but that's my unscientific sense here.

You could argue that using a pseudonym allows you the freedom to be much more authentic.

[Savage]

From the book:

"Is brutal honesty always the best policy? Genuine honesty is truth tempered with love. Using truth as a weapon is not a loving act, but shedding light on an otherwise dark situation is certainly in our best interests. ... When we communicate from oneness, we invite a previously unknown perfection into our lives."

This is from the section titled "Honesty" in the Oneness chapter.

I think from now on, I'm just going to answer everyone's questions with page numbers.

Radical honesty can be helpful if you have a problem holding everything inside, and it can help prevent falsehood from creeping into your life. So it is aligned with truth. But you can easily fall out of alignment with love on this path. I think honesty derived from Oneness (truth + love) is better than honesty derived merely from truth. Honesty isn't just information; there's a delivery component to it as well. Given the same information, you can deliver it with love, or you can deliver it in a very disconnected way.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I think from now on, I'm just going to answer everyone's questions with page numbers.

I keep wanting to do that too. It's like a giant troubleshooting guide.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

My wife and I tried radical honesty and we stopped after a few weeks. Something that became painfully obvious was that I couldn't really be radically honest with people who weren't "in on it," specifically at work. Traditional work places are not the right place for honesty.

The reason we stopped is that we discovered we already said everything worth saying. Most of the "radical" statements were about bathroom habits or other trivia that was amusing, but not productive.

I think it's a good exercise to get used to telling the truth, and I'd love to live in a world of radical honesty, but I think it's unrealistic to carry it all the way in this society.

[Boreas]

I think the truth is something which is difficuilt to get a grasp of and so when we try to talk honestly we may be very far from the truth indeed.

In my experience I have found I say the truth and hear the truth when I say nothing at all... but that isn't always easy to do.

[Snason]

Radical Honesty like Blanton does it is Negatively reinforced, remove the negativity and replace it with positivity and you will then begin to see where radical honesty is a good thing.

To tell someone they are fat and ugly is to confirm to yourself (because you see in others what you don't want to see in yourself) that you have a situation ( not a problem because "a problem is a brick wall so high, so wide, so deep, so thick that you can’t get over it, can’t get around it, can’t get under it and can’t get through it. Terminal cancer—that’s a problem you can’t do anything about. Everything else, as long as you can get over it or around it or under it or through, is a situation") that needs to be dealt with.

One Situation with a number of people is they don't know where to begin with personal development, so they dive into all these trials ( as do I ) in hopes to come out the other end with a starting point. I have found being positive makes a mass amount of opportunities visible that result in allowing you to align yourself with truth,love and power.

How can you start aligning yourself with truth if you can't see the truth behind your negativity?

Before going out and bluntly telling someone there fat, or telling them that you think your friend is hotter then your wife. Maybe start off reasonably with less white lies and more positive thinking.

[Halffull]

Radical honesty works within a framework of mutual trust and non-judgment.