We Test Ourselves All The Time

[Balbrae]

We test ourselves all the time--whether we know it or not. In such times, it is often helpful to appreciate the fact that it's "just a test we made up out of whole cloth," designed to teach us something important. Often that something important is that we have made great progress. If we focus on how well we've done, or how much stronger we have become, notwithstanding the tumultuous nature of the "test situation," then we will be quite pleased, in an otherwise stressful encounter.

Example: I have been feeling much stronger these days, due to my consistent application of a technique (audio-affirmations) that aims to re-write unconscious, habituated beliefs deep within my subconscious mind. Given that I feel very solid, I unwittingly tested myself recently, by setting up a "ridiculous-boss" scenario, whereby my boss behaved more strangely and with greater hostility than I have ever seen him do before. I won't focus on what he did because that is not the point of this thread. Suffice it to say that I have been told by others that they would not have "put up" with his nonsense, but walked out or reported him to his supervisor.

With that having been said, I must say, that I was of two minds, when all this went down. On one level, I was put off by his desperate insecurity and hostility, and his strange need to "act out" toward me. On another level, I simply shrugged. The point is that I felt very safe and solid in my "core." (The other day, when this was manifesting, I posted a thread about it: Pillar In A Sea of Change).

Had this situation occurred two years ago, I probably would have given him a few choice words (e.g., "You have serious, impulse-control problems, and I suggest you get busy working on them. In the meantime, I will be putting in for a transfer to another department of our office.")

Had this situation occurred one year ago, I probably would have wallowed in fear, brooding, and insecurity, with an emphasis on fear (e.g., inner chatter: "what does this mean about my employment--am I safe in this economy?") But given that the situation occurred last week and earlier this week, I was in a much better space of mind to deal with it. I can't describe it: I simply felt, "what will be will be, but I will be just fine."

Upon greater reflection, and taking responsibility for co-creating this "ridiculous-boss" situation, in this dimension of the universe known as my reality, I believe that I set up this situation on purpose, as a test for myself. It was a mile marker, letting me know how far I have come. In focusing on how strong I felt--notwithstanding the craziness--I "passed" the test of the moment: observing the hostility of an "authority figure" directed at me in the workplace, being aware of the pettiness of it, while at the same time also "feeling solid in my core," and without insecurity. That's a huge accomplishment for me, especially not "processing" the horror of it over and over, but to simply say, "eh, I'll be fine." This focus kept me staying on the "positive" aspect of an otherwise tumultuous situation.

I think we all set up tests for ourselves in many ways. Just wanted to share this with you all. I'm sure you have experienced similar situations, and viewing them as tests makes a whole lot of sense.