Personal completeness?

[LittleLady]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this thread but I'm placing it here because my question has come about through practicing LOA and manifestation.

Now that I've been practicing LOA and manifestation I've started doing allot of work on removing my limiting beliefs and building myself up and staying in a very joyful place. I have taken responsibility of my emotions and realized no one can "make " me feel a certain way but that it's my choice and that people are my mirrors.
I am currently working on putting myself into a place of complete fulfillment, joy, happiness and contentment all from myself. I am no longer seeking to have my needs met by outside sources but rather see wonderful things like love, as extra blessings or gifts that I receive that ADD to my joy, happiness, fulfillment but don't CAUSE my joy, happiness or fulfillment.

My question is how do you balance this in a marriage?
How do you balance being completely fulfilled and complete, overflowing with personal joy, contentment and wholeness with your position in a marriage that two are now one, where you meet each others needs? How can I not "need" my husband's love or attention yet still desire it and want it? How can I feel just as wonderful and completely fulfilled with out love and attention yet also truly enjoy the love and attention when it's given to me? How do you stay deeply committed to growing a marriage, strengthening a relationship yet not "need" what the other gives?
What I guess I'm try to say is how can you not "need" the marriage(be somewhat detached), be complete fulfilled yet still be fully committed to seeing the marriage grow and be enriched? How do you ensure that the marriage is bringing you two together and that you don't drift apart if you aren't looking for your needs to be met outside of yourself(within the marriage)?

Thanks for your thoughts!

[Criseyde]

I always find that relationships work much, much, much better when I approach them with the mindset that I am complete and happy and independent. That way, everything I give to the other person is a gift. It's not a trade, and there's no obligation. I am there because I choose to be.

That always feels a lot nicer and more meaningful than feeling like I need someone. That way, we're creating something together, and not just using each other to survive. Why not try it and see how it feels?

[pianoperformer]

Byron Katie says that it only takes one person to have a happy relationship.

Imagine this: if you go into a situation with high expectations, but it doesn't quite meet those expectations, how do you feel? Probably disappointed, hurt, betrayed, etc. On the other hand, if you go in expecting nothing but what you yourself put into it, and the situation gives much more back, then what do you feel? Probably happy, joyful, appreciative, etc.

You need no one's love but your own. On the other hand, you want your husband to feel loved, so you show him your own love.

What is dangerous are those pesky beliefs like, "I love him so he should love me," or "I do so much for him, and he should do X in return." This is projecting in the future and into things that just aren't true.

Love is a free gift, not a lone in expectation of payment in return.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by LittleLady

How do you stay deeply committed to growing a marriage, strengthening a relationship yet not "need" what the other gives?

I enjoy my husband's company a great deal. I rely on his assistance with stuff (chores, responsibilities, etc.). There are things he does in our relationship and specifically for me that I am, quite honestly, very partial to, and I wouldn't like to have to make the adjustment to living without those things, or without him.

But that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice or forego my own contentment, joy, and independence, does it? Why should it?

Perhaps you should try looking at it from another angle, from a different perspective. The questions you're asking are coming from a place that I once was, but it's so far away from where I am now that I honestly can't get back into that mindset to answer from that perspective, so all I can say is that when you're standing in a different place, you see things very differently. From my perspective, your questions don't even make sense (please don't take that as a slight or insult; I'm just trying to explain the perspective thing ) and I can't answer them.

I think the questions you need to be asking is this: Why do I assume that marriage involves neediness and dependence? Why do I feel that if I'm happy, I won't want to stay committed to my marriage? Why do I feel that unhappiness (in some degree) a necessary component of a productive marriage?

You can probably think of some specifically targeted questions for your own situation, but you get the idea.

[LittleLady]

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice, much food for thought.

I completely agree with being complete in ones self, complete joy, contentment and happiness. But I do definitely have some limiting beliefs that are not fitting into my new resolve, I'm just not sure what they are yet!
I will start asking myself questions and see what I dig up.

I do know that I am operating from a place of fear in one respect...in my marriage I am the one who makes sure we spend time together, that we talk sometimes, that we have a sex life, that we have some kind of life outside of work. My Husband is a workaholic so if left to himself he'd work himself maxed out until the day he dies never having time for fun, trips, walks, etc. It'd just be work-sleep-work-sleep-work.
To me I guess I was thinking that I make sure these things(time together, sex, etc.) happen because I feel a need for them and to give them to my husband. If I take away the need to do these things that they would never happen!
But I'm sure I will be coming from a much better place in myself and worldview once I'm complete as myself that I will still see that my marriage is healthy and cared for without being driven by need.
It feels like a strange way to view it though! Perspective change doesn't just look different it feels so very different as well.