Shot myself in the foot on this one...

[JackDalton]

I don't know if this goes in IM or relationships, but I'm interested in the IM / SR perspective of people, so I'm putting it here to start. Sorry, even the short version is rather long, but there's a quiz at the end.

History: I'm rather shy around people I don't know, and it takes a while and some effort for me to accept new friends. I've really only had two romantic relationships in the past 15 years or so, and both were people I had known as friends for years prior. Before I dated anyone I'd had a crush or two in school, but I was always afraid of rejection by someone I was friends with, and to this day, I'm just not comfortable with trying to find / date someone I don't already know in some capacity.

The first was when I high school, but shortly after we started dating, my family had to make a job change half way across the country, and she broke it off a few months after we moved away. I was mostly around seniors in the new town, and never formed any close friendships with anyone that year. Everyone was already in their own circles and looking ahead to leaving for college anyway, and I had a lot of problems relating to anything at that point. I left for college myself after 9 months, and haven't set foot in that state since (my parents moved again shortly thereafter).

In college, a bizarre set of circumstances ended up with me chatting online with someone I had known who had graduated the year before, and was in the process of moving back into the area. After a few weeks of daily chats, she said she wanted to see me when she settled. However, someone I was close friends with at the time had a massive crush on her, and I was a little hesitant to get involved, but she told me she had explained to him several times she wasn't interested in him as more than a friend, and he had no right to get in her (our) way. After a little persuasion, I agreed, and we had a pretty intense relationship over the next few months. Along the way, she tried talking to our mutual friend, but when she told him she was seeing me and still wasn't interested in her, he went ballistic and started shunning both of us, and blaming me for taking her. I had to interact with him on a certain level at school, which made things worse. At some point, she saw how hostile he was being towards me at an event she was attending, and broke it off the next day, saying she felt guilty for ruining the friendship between the two of us, and needed to get out of the way so we could fix it. I ]didn't really care whether he wanted to be angry at me or not by that point, I just wanted to stay with her. In the end, I blamed my "friend" for splitting us up as much as I blamed her, and our friendship never did recover, despite her intentions. She and I reconciled briefly, she left again for the same reasons; I'd try to fix it and end up pushing her away; we tried a few times over the next several years to just be friends, but eventually I'd fall for her again; eventually I just walked away and focused on anything in my life other than finding a partner. There were a few other people that crossed my path in the next few years, but none went anywhere.

Compound that with the anxiety I had around people to begin with, and I tend to believe that I can't afford to break a working friendship by expressing interest in someone I know; any relationship I do have the universe is going to screw up anyway; anyone who say's they're interested in me will walk away, even over things they swore at the beginning they wouldn't rather than stick around to try and work through it; and any discussion I try to have at that point just turns into a fight and I dig a deeper hole. And on some level, I know this is bullish*t, but it's rather persistent at this point.

Which brings me to now... About 5 years ago, I started working at the company I work for now, and within the first few weeks, was introduced to a coworker / friend of a friend (who I'll call G) who I developed an immediate attraction to. However, I wasn't really keen on asking out a coworker when I just started, so we were distant friends for a while, and I couldn't figure out if she was interested or not. One day though, after our paths had crossed more than normal the last few months, our mutual friend said G had been dropping hints at me for a while and was frustrated I hadn't asked her out yet. So I walked over to G's office, asked her to dinner, and she rejected me. She'd finally given up on waiting for me, and set up a date with some guy who had messaged her on a dating site.

Quite a few months later, we end up at a party together, and she starts flirting with me most of the night. I find out the online guy and her split a while back, so she's single again. The next day at work, we setup a date. We have dinner and end up talking at a park for hours, but I'm rather nervous the whole time since it's the first date I'd been on in years, and she turns me down for a second date, and we just stay friends at work.

Another year or so passes, she tells me she rushed to judgement, and wants to go on another date, but things are complicated (she doesn't elaborate much). We go out again, which I thought went a lot better than the first date we went on, but after a week, she tells me she just can't right now, and fades away again.

Another year or brings us to this spring. She shows up again, apologizes, explains she'd had some chronic health issues for the last couple years, and she just couldn't do a relationship at the time. They've got a handle on it now, and she really, really is interested this time, as soon as her health improves and she can be active again.

At this point, I've lurked here for a while, and read a fair bit of IM/SR material. I try as best as I can to believe we're going to try and make this work this time, and at the beginning, she's giving me every indication she intends to make this work this time. I visualize us together and her active again, etc.

For about 3 months, we hang out almost every day at work for lunch and a break here or there, and she'll tell me she feels better every once in a while, but then she'll crash again. She keeps telling me she wants me around, but just doesn't feel well enough to try and do much outside of work. I try to make it clear I'd still try to adapt to the current circumstances, but I won't push her if she wants to wait. We monopolize each other at a party thrown by a coworker, but that's about it outside the office. I keep trying to believe this time, but after a while, all my usual insecurities start coming back, and I sense her getting discouraged and drifting away.

One friday near the end of the day, I try to talk to her, and she brushes me off, say's she's not feeling well and isn't in the mood to talk. I try to let it go, but it bugs me. At the same time, I'm afraid trying to push her any harder is just going to make it worse, so other than a casual IM or two the next week, I figure she'll come around when she's feeling better.

However, she stayed silent, and after not saying anything for one other event she had mentioned offhand she wanted to do something on, her birthday was coming up, and the one thing she had set in stone way back when this first started and checked a few times it was in my calendar on my phone, is that we were going to spend that day together, no matter what. I send her an email asking if she's ok (usually when she'd start feeling bad again she'd let me know).

Two months go by, and I'd figured by this point, whatever was going on in her head, she had decided I didn't fit anymore, and I wasn't going to find out why. I'd run into her in the hall once or twice, and say hi, but she wouldn't offer any explanation. Until the other day, I get an email from her, she's still not feeling well though they've found something else they're going to look at, and is sorry, but she isn't comfortable having a relationship with me under the circumstances, but she's seeing an old friend now that understands the situation.

So now I'm angry, at her, at myself, at everything. She's just reinforced pretty much every fear I have about relationships from past experience. I'm annoyed at myself for letting her jerk me around this time, I'm angry at her for jerking me around, particularly for shutting me out for two months not giving the me a chance to deal with her situation.

I still am attracted to her, she's about the only person I've felt any real connection to in the last 10 years. If I did create this, it's like I created someone who's exactly what I'm looking for, but I gave her every single behavior that I fear the most; things that were inextricably tied together in previous relationships too.

How am I supposed to interpret this? What am I supposed to want now? Is this a creation of mine, or just bad luck again? If I created this, how much did I create, and what am I supposed to do with it now? I want the universe to give me the chance I thought I had; I want to write it off and have someone else show up; but neither seem likely right now. I've asked the universe for guidance and gotten mostly silence. I've had a few synchroncities in the last couple months that again give me some faith this life really isn't as random as it appears to be, but not enough to act on.

At this point, I just can't detach from the outcome. I've had depression off and on for the last 15 years from the last couple of times I let people in, and the disappointment from watching this fall apart in front of me this time isn't helping matters.

I'm tired of feeling like no matter how successful I am with the rest of my life I'm not still alone, and any time that starts to change for the better, it falls apart even more bizarrely than the last time.

[ChildOfNone]

It looks like you do have the answer for yourself but are not willing to accept it. Somehow you are manifesting people who are not able and willing to plunge into a relationship.

What in you expects this rejection? Look within about your feelings around acceptance and rejection. You are on the right path. Don't turn back now. The answer is in front of you.

[guthrio]

Originally Posted by JackDalton

I don't know if this goes in IM or relationships, but I'm interested in the IM / SR perspective of people, so I'm putting it here to start. Sorry, even the short version is rather long, but there's a quiz at the end.

I tend to believe that I can't afford to break a working friendship by expressing interest in someone I know; any relationship I do have the universe is going to screw up anyway; anyone who say's they're interested in me will walk away, even over things they swore at the beginning they wouldn't rather than stick around to try and work through it; and any discussion I try to have at that point just turns into a fight and I dig a deeper hole. And on some level, I know this is bullish*t, but it's rather persistent at this point.

JackDalton,

Consider that this portion of the narrative I've truncated from your history is the lens through which your worldview pertaining to relationships is most energized.

Now I'm going to say something that may surprise you.

You should thank yourself that the Universe reflected back to you all the energy you've put into this worldview over the years...in the painful circumstances that match it so perfectly.

Except for one thing, you can have no better evidence that the Law of Attraction works....than this!

Why ?

Because NOW you know, in painful, certain terms, that "lack attracts lack" just as perfectly....and precisely, as the energy from which it derives its power.....YOUR negatively-oriented energy. Do you see?

So why should you thank yourself ?

Because NOW you are in the perfect position to understand that you, and you alone, have the power to change the energy you've invested in any worldview into YOUR positively-oriented energy....to experience "like attracts like".

What is the "except for one thing" that I was referring to above?

It is the experience of knowing beforehand that what you choose to bring into your life, with a positive orientation of your power....will actually be the kind of relationship you wanted ALL along....but thought was eluding you.

All these years, the Universe was simply giving you what you told IT you desired "any relationship I do have the universe is going to screw up anyway "

Change your desire, positively....and enjoy experiencing what the Universe is equally capable of reflecting to you....as your life.

And no, this change does not have to take years....just because you unwittingly held a negatively oriented desire in place for years for the Universe to reflect back as pain in your life.

Don't believe me?

Stand in front of any mirror and see how long it takes for it to reflect your smiling face back to you.....it was instantaneous, wasn't it? Works just as quickly with frowns, too!

Now frown and see how long that mirror reflects your frown. If you are frowning.....it stays just as long as you are frowning, doesn't it....and will do so for years and years, won't it? You do understand that your face will fall off before the mirror stops reflecting your frown...or your smile !!

I hope you understand that I am using this metaphor to illustrate that....Life is a mirror....that reflects the real smile or frown you show to yourself INSIDE, not what you show to the world OUTSIDE.

You CAN'T change the reflection in the mirror (consequence)......

....YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE WHAT’S CAUSING the reflection IN the mirror.....YOU, YOURSELF....by your choices !

We have control over the choices.....perfectly.

Life controls the consequences....perfectly.

What you say to yourself SUBJECTIVELY….is what gets expressed (i.e. reflected AS YOUR LIFE!) OBJECTIVELY !!

Life doesn't TELL you that your choice is amiss.

Life SHOWS YOU that your choice is amiss....with the consequences.

Life doesn't TELL you that you hit the target.

Life SHOWS YOU that you hit the target...with the consequences.

The Universe is "rather persistent" on this point.
.....and that's no "BS***" !

Now here's the quiz at the end....

Knowing what you NOW know about reflections, will you be smiling or frowning in front of the "mirror" of your Life?

Hope this helps.....

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by JackDalton

History: I'm rather shy around people I don't know...I was always afraid of rejection...I'm just not comfortable with trying to find / date someone I don't already know in some capacity.

[...]

Compound that with the anxiety I had around people to begin with, and I tend to believe that I can't afford to break a working friendship by expressing interest in someone I know; any relationship I do have the universe is going to screw up anyway; anyone who say's they're interested in me will walk away, even over things they swore at the beginning they wouldn't rather than stick around to try and work through it; and any discussion I try to have at that point just turns into a fight and I dig a deeper hole. And on some level, I know this is bullish*t, but it's rather persistent at this point.

It's persistent because you keep feeding it.

You're the one keeping these thought patterns active, alive, and well-fed. You're the one who is constantly reinforcing them, deciding they're true. And you're the one who can change them, if you decide you're willing to do the work required.

These thoughts don't exist outside of you, and they have no power beyond what you keep giving them. Stop giving them all your power, and start creating and empowering other thought patterns that serve you better, and your reality will change.

Which brings me to now...

At this point, I've lurked here for a while, and read a fair bit of IM/SR material. I try as best as I can to believe we're going to try and make this work this time, and at the beginning, she's giving me every indication she intends to make this work this time. I visualize us together and her active again, etc.

But you're still running the same crappy scripts you've described above. So no, it's not going to work--not until you've changed yourself, and your beliefs about how relationships (don't) work for you.

She's not the problem. Hell, in SR terms she doesn't even exist. She's a reflection of your thinking. You're getting back a perfect image of what you're putting out. So start, bit by bit, re-training yourself to put out something different.

What am I supposed to want now?

I don't know. What exactly do you want? That's for you to define. And since you haven't done that, and you're dwelling on everything you don't want, that's what you're getting by default.

Is this a creation of mine...? If I created this, how much did I create,

Yes. All of it.

...and what am I supposed to do with it now?

Create something different. Starting with yourself. Nothing will change until you do.

I want the universe to give me the chance I thought I had;

It is! It's not what you consciously want, but it's what you believe, deep-down, you can have--so you keep creating it. And you get the chances you keep creating for yourself, no more, no less.

I want to write it off and have someone else show up;

That someone else will also be a reflection of your self-defeating thinking. Nothing will change until you do.

I've asked the universe for guidance and gotten mostly silence.

This is normal for people who are still stuck in negative thought patterns. But you haven't received silence--you just haven't been able to recognize the guidance you got. Or else you've rejected it because it isn't what you wanted to hear.

I've had a few synchroncities in the last couple months that again give me some faith this life really isn't as random as it appears to be, but not enough to act on.

The synchronicities are a form of guidance--but you won't act on them because they're "not enough." You acknowledge them--then reject them as inadequate. Do you see how you're getting in your own way here?

The universe isn't going to sit you down, spell everything out in detail, then hand you exactly what you want (without your having to define it). It just doesn't work that way. As long as you remain resistant to the guidance, promptings, and synchronicities you're already receiving--and saying they're "not enough" to act on is resistance--you're cutting yourself off from receiving more. You're effectively blinding yourself to it because you've decided it's not really worth seeing.

At this point, I just can't detach from the outcome. I've had depression off and on for the last 15 years from the last couple of times I let people in, and the disappointment from watching this fall apart in front of me this time isn't helping matters.

I don't think it's the external events (the bad relationships) that are at the root of your depression. I think it's because your internal thought processes are so deeply negative. You have a lousy self-image. You don't like yourself, you believe other people will reject you (shyness and anxiety), and you don't believe anyone could actually love you and be in a deeply satisfying relationship with you. You keep clinging to a flaky, unreliable girlfriend as if she's your emotional life raft because otherwise you'd have to face how unbearably lonely and isolated you are. Hell, I'd be depressed too.

All of this can be changed, however. I will not promise you that doing so will be quick, easy, or painless, but change is possible if you want it bad enough and are willing to do the work required to have it. But it's all inner work--changing external circumstances (such as girlfriends) isn't going to do it.