Practicing the Presence

[ChildOfNone]

So much good has happened in these short weeks.
I would not be aware of it had I not kept this log.

Moving into the presence is surprisingly hard work but I think part of that is that in doing so I initially am dredging up so much stress as I process through it.

I have 8 more weeks and can only imagine how free I will be by then. I am very thankful for this process and the changes coming about.

[ChildOfNone]

Not yet a third of the way into this brain work.

I awoke in a dream like space and was receiving love from a man and his wife who had been directed to me. When the man held my hand he could see some of the traumatic experiences from the past and was able to transform my physiological responses by emitting a pure light of love.

I was awake but chose not to get up, not to leave this experience. At one point he was aware that I doubted that I was worthy of receiving and he told me that it was their pleasure to give. He asked me to stand in his shoes so that I could see how giving this love was so valuable to the giver. It was such a glorious experience.

An infant looks to his or her mother and father to reflect back the infinite love. To the degree such offerings are limited that child or later adult may search or seek that reflection in people who are not capable or willing. Such experiences can always be healing with pure love.

Receiving it does not take effort. Paradoxically, shifting out of trauma may seem to be a struggle.

[ChildOfNone]

I am facing some legal issues that have been developing since February. My brother and I had great difficulty getting legal counsel for a hearing in June. I filed a petition myself and was successful. Now we face another hearing in the morning. I could not get counsel again. My brother worked on obtaining counsel this month onlyto have the guy decline last Thursday. I found someone else on Friday. A very experienced lawyer who has left a large fiirm and gone out on his own. This is not his field but his good friend is one of the best in town in this field but could not help us due to a conflict of interests.

Meanwhile my attorney prepares a motion for continuance which I was to submit this morning. My brother called to let me know that the guy who declined on thursday will be representing him beginning tomorrow and that he, my brother will pay the upfront attorneys fee but that I can pay my share out of the resulting proceeds.

I just get a call from my attorney that his friend has received a call from my brother's attorney and that he needs to talk with my attorney and me this afternoon.

I am turning things over. Live and let God. over and over and over again.
I tend towards anxiety on a good day. But practicing the presense means to live in the moment now - not this afternoon, not tomorrow at 9am but now.

I am working it. Now.

[ChildOfNone]

Time was elusive this past week.
It was an odd for in terms of noted progress.
Through the first few days it seems as though little was happening but towards the end of the week things began to shift.

I hope to find time to write about it soon.

But essentially I saw how my REACTION to things that have happened to me has been at the core of the yuck that would come as a consequence. For years I have recognized that letting things go like water off a ducks back was the key to moving forward positively through life but I chocked it up to bad luck in the personality deal from the get-go. Now I see that I can make shift from within.

I am getting great help from reading PianoPerformers "Zero Limits" and using (to the best of my understanding) Ho'opononpono and The Work.

Things are opening up and the yuck and fear are decreasing clearly. Most helpful for me is that I am finding myself much more joyful and expecting good rather than waiting for the other shoe to fall. This is a major shift in my lifeexperience.

Suddenly, for the first time during this 11 week process, I am feeling the established time frame to be short. I suppose after a rest I can always repeat.

What is the difference between a GOAL and an INTENTION?
I have things which seem to be more of a goal rather than an intention and yet I am not certain what the difference is. Here is one. I arrranged to acquire internet servic at my home. The appointment made, the service man arrived, and after several hours he says I am good to go. (BTW, he tells me that he does not have a filter and has provided cabel TV for us free of charge.) That was awesome because my next step was to get Direct TV but this saved me a penny. But when he left I was unable to access the internet. So I'm wondering if it is a goal or an intention to get the internet/wifi to work so that I can log on at home.

For now I will name it an intention.
I intend to manifest functioning internet wifi in my house.

It was great to be here today.

[ChildOfNone]

Wow, I am feeling major shifts taking place already in this week. Week 4 was a quite week with few clear changes. Already in this week I am experiencing changes.

Towards the end of last week I saw that the feelings I had towards individuals from mmy past were actually a reflection of the negative feelings I held for myself. (Then last night I read several posts by others acknowledging the same thing in their lives.) As I use the ho'oponopono I am getting clearing on these and feeling a burden lifting. But the greatest thing that has been happening since yestterday evening is growing confidence in the positive outcoe of this process. that confidence alone is such an extraordinary relief.

Looking forward to what tomorrow will bring.

My little boy went to school with such dread today so I am using the ho'oponopono for him. I can't wait to hear about how it has worked for him today.

[ChildOfNone]

This is just crazy!
I am getting results like nothing I have ever experienced. The changes are subtle and difficult to explain but they are profound - life changing and I am deliriously joyful about it.

I had a presentation this afternoon. I got started working on it very late and simply was not getting the material I needed. I have been very, very stressed about it fearing that I was going to fall flat on my face. Even after I got my notes made it was very, very difficult to get them in order and even more difficult to put them into a coherent prosentation.

I went to sleep last night when I really should have been working on it. I woke up early but rather than get to work I began cleaning on an image from my dream. It took almost an hour before I could get any Peace but I got it. I kept cleaning all day and different things. Step by step I got my notes in order and the paper written - section by section.

I kept cleaning my anxiety, my fear of failure, expectation of rejection and on an on. Tick, tock - 3 o'clock. Time was up and I sat down with my pages typed, cut, pasted, and stapled and began my presentation. Miraculously, the words flowed and the concepts fit together neatly and the whole darn thing made sense. It was a success even though at 7am this morning there was no way it could be.

There was so muchmore than I can convey. There were so many years of junk that were cleaned today. There is so much more to go. But I amm seeing things come into my life that I felt were so far removed. I have incredible hope today.

[ChildOfNone]

Past the halfway mark.
During the first few weeks I went on quite a journey, deeloping mindfulness concerning daily issues that have caused me great pain and disfunction for many years.

I kept my focus on the disruptive pain, avoiding the habituated pattern of repressing it or avoiding it. Then I acknowledged that this pain was a manifestation of MY mind rather than anything external. But it is the next two steps where the real work is done.

Up through today I have been focusing on emergency type issues and using this process I have seen manifestations that border on the miraculous or at least the impossible. But these have been like extracurricula events outside of everyday, ordinary life. The foundations remained unchanged. Beginning today I will do the more significant work of altering the foundations.

The order seems backwards in some ways but on examination I get it. It was easy to find the motivation to fully engage in this process for emergencies. They demanded and received my full attention. It is much more difficult to give that kind of all emcompassing attention to the daily grind kind of issues. But the other advantage of putting my attention and work into the emergencies is that I got incredible results. I know it works. So now when I have the humdrum issues that need to be transformed, I know that I have a process that does work and one that is valuable enough to put the necessary time, energy and devotion toward overcoming this underlying, baseline resistance that calls me into a lull.

[ChildOfNone]

So here is the work of the week. I have identified 4 issues that need my attention first. I get trapped trying to figure out where to start and whether to focus on things one at a time or as a small group together. To make things more difficult, these issues are intertwined and interconnected and dependent. So it is very difficult to isolate one or two to begin with but I am going to do that anyway.

As I have written here earlier, I have an issue in my home with disorder. It began shortly after my husband died when a water issue created a devastating mold issue in my basement and a few other rooms requiring that the walls and ceilings be removed. This happened the year after my non-profit business closed due to shortage of funding and my daily work and minimal income went down the drain. The contents of my house were moved into storage units, so much was ruined, and on and on. When that work was done (leaving everything half torn apart because the DEconstruction cost over $30,000 and I didnt have enough to replace walls, have the ruined walls and ceiling repainted, moulding replaced etc.) all the storage stuff was just moved back in in a manner of a storage unit, not replaced or reorganized. I didn't have the strength or help to put things back in order.

And the a couple of years later Katrina happened and I ended up with an enormous amount of furniture that was collected for refugees who had moved to town. When they left it ended up in my basement. The next year, storage from an upstair bedroom ended up stored in my living room because I had the carpets replaced. Now I have stuff piled up in several rooms and I feel overwhelmed with it all.

SO I am going tofocus my attention on restoring my home, returning to beneficial daily habits and getting back to work.


This first week of the mundane focus (week 6) is going to be centered on the following four issues: 1) my child's room, 2) the kitchen/den, 3) exercise and 4) menu planning and execution. The first two are about physical organization and maintenance/cleaning. The second two are about life style and scheduling. For reasons too complicated to delve into, all of these have a tendency to be repressed, they tend to make me feel overwhelmed.

Using the ho'oponopono these past five weeks has demonstrated to me how powerful it is. I now that will carry me through the next 6 weeks as well. That gives me the courage to begin. This time I am going to add Byron's The Work to th mix.

So I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do this. I want to have something that stands for these four things, this bundle so that I can hold the bundle (rather than the 4 individual components) in mind and work on them as a unit. My plan is to work on this bundle this week and then move on to other related issues each subsequent week with the goal of ending the 11 week process with a vision of my life going forward and a drive to pursue that vision.

It is a radical departure for the past in which I have live a life of avoidance rather than one of pursuit. I am so thankful for this shift. It will make a difference for me and for my child. Lifechanging.

[ChildOfNone]

Almost immediately after posting I saw that there is an attitude or feeling or something difficult to define that underlies all four of these. So I can hold that in my attention and use H. If I can name it even better.

This is going to be a very interesting week. To tackle something that has held me back almost my entire life begin to founder and dissipate. What a week ahead.

[Greek Dog]

this is a scary week for me. I am in someways back to week 1. All the work that I have accomplished in the most recent weeks has been prelude to what I am about to accomplish.

This work is vital to living the life I was put here to live.

I am afraid but I am willing and I must go do this.

[Greek Dog]

I see that these next few weeks may be quite painful. Opening a can of worms, the old wounds, exposing them to the air for healing is a must but I am loath to allow the pain out as well. But it is either to open to the pain or let the repression rule and that is not a tenable choice.

God give me the strength and courage to pursue.
Be with me in the midst.
Do not let me stray.

[Greek Dog]

Inspiration v. need to /supposed to

[Greek Dog]

The real work is about to begin.
cleaning "ought"
cleaning servitude
cleaning rejection
cleaning exclusion
cleaning not enough, not good enough
cleaning worthless
cleaning sabotage
cleaning failure
cleaning procrastination/paralysis
cleaning perfectionism

[Greek Dog]

I had an incredible night.
Dream after dream I experienced memories and dream sequences being healed.
It was such a gentle and calm experience, moving into and out of shame, rejection and acceptance. This gives me hope but it is a different kind of hope because now I have actually had a taste of what the healing feels like. I hope to tap into that feeling more and more as it becomes dominant replacing the old.

Five more weeks.

PS - This is the first moment that I have had a sense of vision and feeling of what it will feel like. Up until now it has all been faith. To actually experience it makes it a whole new ball game. I am so curious about what the next few days will be like as I apply this going forward and to the voice and memories.

A pattern that has repeated for years is that things come to a cresendo before a level of healing takes place. I experienced this again before the healing session with Christs Light and again yesterday.

[Greek Dog]

cleaning obligation and fear surrounding it - a keystone.
(help me help myself.)

cleaning self-condemnation

[Greek Dog]

Moving forward, lifting upward.
getting a certain level of confidence
then beginning to set goals

avoidance lifting being, being, being

[Greek Dog]

Feeling a stirring around the root and sacral chakras.
I have been carrying much stress in the trapezoidal muscles. Something about being stuck in my head, about processing things too much in my head and being cut off from my grounding and my gut.

This makes so much sense to me.

I woke up with such clarity about why meditation was so difficult to me. It is all about being disconnected - all the monkey mind is so busy, frenectically busy. Connecting to my root, my gut, becoming grounded ----

Concentrating, focusing on the 1st and 2nd chakra when I feel the disjunctions over take me is astonishingly settling. Bringing the conflict and fear into the depths brings its resolution - profoundly.

Day after day bring deeper and deeper healing, opens me to more and more targeted healing techniques as the focused area of healing shifts.

[Greek Dog]

The best week yet.
All week long, day after day, I was able to move the fear and dread from my head and shoulders down into the center and into the ground.

Changing my brain every day. It is such a remarkable process. So fortunate.

[Greek Dog]

I am reviewing where I have been, where I am and where I am going.

This has been an excellent process. I have more work to do, more changes to accomplish.

order
employment/income
friends/family/relationships

overcoming obligation, expectation/fear of failure, rejection, shut down

[Greek Dog]

Today is a brand new day for me.
Everything heretofore has been prelude.

Really, I begin another 11 week re-wiring of my brain.
These 8 1/2 weeks have brought me to a new base line that I can work from. This is where the real healing will happen. Through today I have been allowing the wretchedness to surface - to let go of the resistance - and to attentively process the knee jerk repressive reflex. The pain has been excruciating.

But today (I have been experiencing a gradual movement towards this) I connected down into my depths in a new way. I can reach the core. So these next 11 weeks will be similar to the past 8 1/2 in that I will be attentive to the process but different in that this is about moving into the core rather than releasing the grip on the trapezoids. Getting into the core will be something new. It will be like going for the gold rather than dreading the triggers that have to be processed. So I think I will actively go for those triggers knowing that I can process them down into the core. Eliminating the dread is beyond anything I have experienced as I have lived in dread each minute of every day for my entire life unless I was in shut down, avoidance or paralysis.

What will life be like? I have no idea. I expect there will be another wonderful 11 weeks after this one. But today I transition into welcoming the triggers and moving it all down into the core.

This is life transforming. The fear of victory can now be process. I have so much to do today. That has always been carried in the shoulders and with dread and certain condemnation. Today it will be different. 11 weeks of rewiring will bring such changes. These past 8 1/2 weeks have been very healing but these next few will be healing and life giving. The first 8 1/2 were claiming from death - now I move into restoration and living. In all of my years I have not yet lived. How exciting this could be.

[Greek Dog]

I took my mother and child out of town for the holiday. We left on Wednesday and headed for the mountains. It has been a nice break in a number of ways.

I was able to leave many of my worries behind. However, I have two primary issues that have been needing work while here. My mind has been obsessing about a couple of dark issues - rejections that hurt my heart. The rejections that keep popping into my mind are recent events but I suspect and have for some weeks that the real issue at hand is the deep seated rejections that I experienced from my family of origin. The pain is indescribable except that it has been repressed to some degree my entire life. That repression has been necessary in order to survive at some point but now I am ready and willing to allow it to surface and come for healing.

Another issue is also a big one, one that has put a severe crimp in my entire adult life particularly for the past 10 years (but truly even longer.) This issue is one of several tags: procrastination, avoidance, delay, shut down and paralysis. This category of tags grew out of a chronic, repetitive shaming and betrayal that began early in my life. I have been attentively focused on shifting out of this state for the past 8 weeks. Today I have one task that I must perform but which I find myself tending towards putting it off and letting it resolve itself passively. That is the very pattern that needs interrupting.

In fact, both of these patterns need interrupting: obsessing about rejections and stepping into passive,avoidance patterns rather than active solutions.

I can do this work with Christ' help.
What does it feel like? It feels powerful and greatly confident.

[Greek Dog]

Schwartz writes that acting is the way to make the neurological shift.

This holiday weekend was one that kickstarted that for me. I am determined to keep it up and yet found myself slipping quickly back into routine upon return yesterday afternoon.

Key is to keep that "action" active.

[Greek Dog]

This time of year is often difficult for me.
I am finding the work I have been doing over these past 9 weeks to show demonstrable progress. While I have a tendency for depression, anxiety and fatigue at this time I am aware of my trained radio tuner searching for low frequencies but not immediately finding them. this gives me the opportunity to intervene and make that very important shift.

Now I am focusing on two important changes: physical/health and order.
Meditation sits atop both.

[Greek Dog]

I am seeking God's healing here in the internet.
It is time to go within in order to reach without.

The pain is indescribable.
Please release me.

[Greek Dog]

here is some nasty stuff that has been coming up.

As child I longed to be with my father.
On a level not of this earth here is the exchange that took place between us.
"I long to be with you."
"then you must take on all of my self-loathing and hatred and rage."
"Whatever it takes."
"you will be my servant and be kicked around."
"I can do that."

And I did and meditation is revealing that I have been stuck in that place. I am seeking healing and release from this servile, self-desecrating role.

I know no other way to do this other than through meditation and in seeking healing from others. Perhaps some yoga and or tai chi, qi gong.

[Greek Dog]

Just a few days left.
I am still experiencing real progress.
I have more to do.
This is giving me more and more hope. I've always had hope but now I am getting glimpse like experiences of what it is like.
To have a moment of experiencing what it is like to feel the future forward. To actually feel what it is like to be healed and strong. Wow!

I continue into this process with great hope and joy.
To know that I will heal from the yuckiness of adrenal surge actually relieves the symptoms, the experience. i get the surge and first go to "oh no" and then to "this is short lived. It will be over soon" and the relief that follows is a blessing.

Writing and posting gives it a strength and concreteness that is tangible - a sort of solidity.

[Greek Dog]

Order is beginning to generate.
Looking to manifest deep, supportive, loving human relationships.
Holding an intention to receive clarity on the best business to develop and clarity and movement on moving forward with it in quick order.

The loving human relationships will be first order.

Getting a few insights like flecks of snow, into being in the place manifestation. It is a step to build on, tenuous now, fragile even, fueled in part with gratitude for its presence.
thank you for inclusion.
Thank you for loving relationships.
Thank you for family.
Thank you for work that provides remunerative resources to develop my gifts and give to others.
Thank you for the healing light that shines on the source of trouble.
Thank you for the friends whom my son has and his sense of purpose and his progress.

[Greek Dog]

As I near the end of my first 11 week series I am gaining more and more healing, gaining more and more insights into the problems underneath.

AS I look back there were a multitude of challenges that I faced. They seemed large and perhaps insurmountable but I faced them and overcame them. What lays ahead of me can be achieved.

I will use this experience to build confidence.

Now that I have insight into the problems I have with my thyroid and adrenal glands I know that as I get the medical help needed that I will become stronger and stronger and the physical fortification will be a powerful base from which to build on.

Having the physical depletion makes is very difficult to get the emotional work done. That is so helpful to know. This all adds to my ability to see forward and feel what it is like to be successful. It makes it much easier for me to imagine and stand in the manifestation. Thanks be to God.

[Greek Dog]

Wow - Hard to believe I am nearing the end of this 11 week period. I have made some tangible shifts and I am thankful. I have worked on healing and making changes for several decades and this is the first period of time in which I can see the changes.

To know that there are more changes coming and that I can sit in the place of manifestation on the front in for the first time after 15 years of knowing the value - that is something. I am excited about what is to come. That is such a shift from the crossed finger "hope" that I have lived on.

To have a 4 step process that works every single time and that creates permanent changes - no words for that. To be able to look at anxiety triggers without falling down the hole - first time in my life. Ten and a half weeks in I do not have to sit back and avoid triggers (which still are attached to almost anything) in order to survive each day. For the first time, I know that I can shift out of the anxiety rush into support and love. This must be what they are talking about when they say born again, because I feel like life is new, new, new.

When I get the medicine for the hypothyroid and the adrenal glands - that will be a whole other level yet. I currently am practicing being attentive to the shift as much as I can. When I am alone by nature I go to the anxiety, especially at night when I should be sleeping. I still must continually retrain my mind to the positive but what is remarkable is that I am actually able to do this. When I first started 10.5 weeks ago, this process actually exacerbated the anxiety for the first few weeks. Now that is simply not the case. Each and every time I feel the anxiousness I am able to use the four steps to redirect my mind and brain. As I continue the process and get the endocrine support I expect the occurrence of the anxiousness will shift from incessant to seldom or rarely. THAT will be the real life change. That will allow me to make plans without fear that anxiety shut down will make it impossible to follow through. That is when true order will emerge. Week by week I see the transition. Week by week I have one success after another.

[Greek Dog]

Hard to believe I am entering my 11th week.
This has been a very good experience.
I have accomplished some significant progress.
I have so much more to do but the foundation has been laid.

One of the greatest part of that foundation is seeing that this process does work. That alone has knocked loose one of the legs of "fear" that I have lived with.