Manifesting my new reality
 

I am going through a transformational time.
I am letting people who are not inspiring for my goal fade out of my life.
I realized I sometimes hold on to people because I dont want to alone. Especially because Ive only lived where I am a short time and dont know that many people..
This means spending a lot of time alone. Going out alone.
Last night I went to a BBQ where I knew only the host and had a great evening. Meeting 3 new people.
Last week I did the same. Im totally out of my comfort zone bc Im used to being surrounded by friends...
So thats one step Im taking. Also deactivated my fb account. it was taking too much time and filling my mind with nonsense.
I intend to meet new people every day!

I looked at my vision board and I noticed theres a lot beaches and sea. Like couples on the beach etc...
But I live in NYC! Far from a beach life.
Yesterday I found myself wanting to photograph something in a part of town that was apparently struck by the hurricane. So I took the subway and found myself on a beautiful deserted beach! I sat on a rock and meditated a while. I woman sitting on a rock on a beach is actually an image on my vision board. So was this particular type of beach that I was at. I had no idea that this was where the subway would take me, I hadn't been there before.
But it was a wonderful day.
The universe can manifest that as easily as it can manifest the loving couple image.
I will update here on how things transform in my life.
Interesting dream last night:
I dreamt my toilet was full of other peoples stuff. I thought it would be blocked but then I flushed it and it all flushed away...

Well, this was a very interesting day!

It amazing how things start to manifest once you put your full energy to it!
I didnt mention in my previous post that the main thing I wish to manifest is a relationship. And also more success in my career.
But today I decided to focus on the relationship part. As its too easy for me to focus on career. My default was to go see a show related to my career, but I decided I wanted to focus move on the relationship.

What actions I took:
After a great yoga class I asked what would I need if my man were to arrive today into my life. I realized I have only one night stand. I needed 2 identical ones. So I started wondering around the shops near the class. I finally bought 2 night stands (delivered tomorrow). 2 identical towels, I also bought some pots and pans and some glasses, being a raw foodist I dont own any pans because I dont cook!
but I thought for my man itll be nice to cook because I sense he wont be a raw foodist...:)
Then I walked by a thirft store which was having a crazy sale and I bought a pair of beautiful real crystal champagne glasses for me and man to celebrate with (for 3 bucks each!)

What I manifested:
4 hot single men totally randomly asked me out!

I walked into a furniture store and the seller was a guy I recently met at a party!
He had friended me on FB, but I told him I now had deactivated my account.
So he took my email and already asked me out this weekend!
Then another guy from OKC wrote and asked me out for lunch on Sunday, This is a guy I was looking at, and was hoping to hear from him. Very handsome and in the same line of work as me...

Then another totally cool guy from OKC whom I chatted with also asked me out! He asked if I would be up for meeting tonight. I think I saw his message too late though
And also a guy I met last night at the bbq wrote and asked if Id like to meet up...
Oh and another guy I recently met sent me a text asking if I wanna meet. im not interested in him though so it doesnt count.:p

I havent been on a "date" in ages! months! a year maybe...

Last night I focused on my intention for a committed relationship.

I realized that it could just happen! And some blocks come up.

All the last relationships I was in, if you want to call them that, were full of mutual passion and emotion, but deep in my heart I knew it couldnt work. These men were clearly not available for the kind of relationship I wanted.

So I worked through it, and I realized that I have to let go of these fantasy men. And all the future fantasy men, which are so tempting....

Last night I went beyond the fantasy and saw how these men dont deserve any more of my time or my thoughts. And I let them go.
This is a process Ive been working on for a while but I feel like I had a break though last night.
Also, to a guy who asked me out last night, and has asked me out several times, I simply replied :I had a nice to with you but Im not interested.
Simple and clear. Why beat around the bush?

So Im making more room...
Heres a summary of 2 days

Vision board
Taking small symbolic actions (like I bought 2 night stands,2 idntical towels, and crystal glasses yesterday)
Journaling and meditating.
Facing blocks and dealing with them
Letting go of the people who dont inspire me, dont raise my vibe or simply dont share my vision.
I have a girl friend who is looking for a mate, but she thinks men are a lesser race. She said "men are brutal and dishonest" as a gender, look at all the prisons she said, a lot more men there. Ive decided to let her go too. We were close lately and I realized being around her doesnt raise my vibe

If yesterday I was mostly alone, today was about interacting with people, going out of my way for them.
Including a couple who happened to ring my buzzer and claimed they will be living in my apt when I leave town for a few months, so they wanted to introduce themselves.
The landlord set it up so I wont need to pay rent when I leave town for a project.
We had a lot in common, we even practice the same spiritual work. They were a good example of the kind of relationship I want to be in.
I like the idea that this loving couple will be taking over my space for a few months.

Now Im listening to a podcast of a panel of women describing how they finally found love, women who seem to have the same patterns as me.
Inspiring.

Oh and another thing I practiced today was setting boundaries.
One person I met today was a friend from out of town. He needed my help in finding a place to stay. He didnt have a place to stay and hinted on wanting to stay with me. Even though I have an extra room I didnt feel comfortable sharing my space with a guy who I didnt know that well and seemed a bit needy.
The guilty voice in my mind was constantly telling me to invite him. But I didnt give in to his hints, and instead helped hm find a hotel he can afford and he's sleeping there tonight!
Setting boundaries is something I am learning and is very important to me, and to manifesting my new reality

Hey :)

Your post really stuck with me because i'm basically doing the exact same thing right now!
I am also going through a process of fading out people who bring down my vibe. So i know the feeling of having to spend time alone. But i have faith that better people will come into my life shortly.
I just deactivated my facebook acount last week because i found myself wasting too much time on there and it really wasn't added anything to my life. Instead i've turned my focus to visualizing/meditating, things that are better me!
The things you are trying to manifest are also the same as me! better friendships, relationship, success ... Its nice to know there is someone out there trying to do the same.
Good luck and keep up the good work! I'll be interested to see how everything goes!

Cheers, Laylaa :)

Thanks Laylaa! nice name. Welcome aboard! This ship is sailing to our dreams;)

Another interesting day.
First of all I hardly slept last night. Maybe 3 hours. Woke up at 5am showered, but I was not in a good mood being so under-slept
I read about 5 of Steves last blog entries.
I realized that no matter how moody I was I needed to raise my vibe.
I took the train to a beautiful park with an amazing medieval museum. I spent hours there. It filled me with inspiration. So much beauty in one place.
Gave me creative inspiration for my work.
I received an email from someone I recently met on one of my solo ventures.
I didnt know who he was when I met him. Then I found out. Hes world famous in my field. He wants to collaborate. Very exciting!

On the train back someone left behind one of those gossip magazines. I flicked through it. It was not a bitchy magazine, just showing a lot of beautiful and rich people's love lives. This too inspired me. If Jen finally is getting married so can I!:p

I got home and received a very nasty email from someone who thought I unfriended him on FB, because he saw I wasnt there (bc I deactivated my account). He cursed me and used the nastiest language and even threatened me if I use any of his picts.
At first my body started shaking.
But I didnt feel like stooping to his level, so I wrote very calmly explaining that I simply decided to deactivate my account.
I could've written something nastier back, or mocked him for his crazy immaturity. But I could see his pain and confusion, And to think that a month ago we were hanging out a lot.
I dont share his anger so I couldnt reply with anything "charged" just wrote a matter of fact type email.

But I realized some ppl may be hurt that I deactivated my account.
Id like to be more caring and sensitive.

After this I went out alone but to a friends event. Met loads of new people!
Including one important work contact!

Life is whatever you say it is.

Yesterday I made plans to meet a friend for dinner. She had been away for a month and I missed her
I got dressed and looked in the mirror and thought "you are so beautiful"
This for me is not obvious. I think Ive only become beautiful lately. because Ive been focusing on what I love and learning to love myself. Which is new.

So I went down to the street and after a block I heard run up to me and say "you are so beautiful! Im amazed! Your eyes- wow!". I kept walking and he kept repeating you are amazingly beautiful...It took me a while to get rid of him...
Now Im not a 19 year old in a mini skirt, Im a 37 tear old in jeans and a tshirt.
The thing is that its not about him. Its all about the universe saying "Yes" to everything I believe about myself and mirroring that.

Ive been getting all kinds of feedback. People telling me I have a spark in my eyes. Or that I have amazing energy.
Today I got asked out by two guys. (In the last hour)
Im already said Im gonna meet a friend though.

I wake up in the morning and try to hold the energy of my new reality as long as I can.
"Im famous in my field, married to the man of my dreams and happy"
And other variations.
This thought makes me feel loved and successful.
And the universe mirrors my beliefs.

Ive manifested 2 dates in the last 36 hours. Thats more than Ive had in the past year (Ive had romantic flings but not dates)

Im glad though that Im clear with what I want so when I meet someone I can know if they are for me fast, instead of wasting time with them...
Both were high quality men. And respectful and smart

The 1st was warm and smart, but Im not interested in because... its just not it. Maybe no attraction, maybe he was complaining too much about his roommate (at age 40) and too much of a victim. He already texted me that he'd love to see me again...but no.

The 2nd one was such a handsome man, I could look at him for hours... Also super smart. Same field as me. We laughed a lot. Yes, I liked him a lot. The dream man...But.. When the bill came he split it with me:eek: and kissed me on the cheek. That says it all... no?
In fact Im pretty sure I saw on his fb profile that hes in a relationship. (but Im no longer on fb so I couldnt make sure). Why did he ask me out? I dont know. Maybe for professional reasons.
He too wrote that hed like to meet again....

But in both cases, even though they are "close" its not right. Im glad that Im honest enough with myself to see that and move on and not let my self esteem be affected.
In fact after date #2, I walked home and saw a beautiful bouquet of flowers in the deli, which i bought for myself.

I will work on believing that a guy like #2 would want me as much as guy #1.
I still need to work on my beliefs that I deserve a great guy and a great guy will really want to be with me. I can sense that Im not there yet.

Today I worked all day and didnt leave the house until the evening when I met a friend hadnt seen in two years. We live in different countries now.
We are the same age and have both been wishing to have a family for years.
She is now pregnant! We sat 3 hours and talked n the restaurant. She told me how she was dating a lot and almost gave up hope until she finally met her man and 3 months later got pregnant and is so happy! Her story gave me hope and only tells me it will happen to me too!

I came home and checked my mail box.
I found a letter indicating I have just won a 7000$ prize for a proposal I wrote!! So thats a good sign for my career :)

Also was a check of 1000$ from my insurance.

Nice to come home with $8000 waiting in your mail box totally unexpectedly, after a great evening with my glowing friend.

This is interesting
I feel a shift
I do feel happier
More together

Today I mostly worked and planned to stay home but then a friend, who Im hardly in touch with (hes from my hometown so I know him for years) called and asked me to join him to some events
So I jumped in the shower and got dressed and even though I was tired Im glad I did. Met new people -This is a habit Im sticking too- meet someone new everyday. I dont try but since Ive started writing here its happened everyday almost. By "meet" I mean exchange numbers and follow up on that.
Also made 2 work connections.

It was interesting for me to see how easy going I am with myself and with life these days.
For so long if I didnt feel perfect I wouldnt go out. And bc I didnt feel perfect often, I didnt go out much, or if did, I would feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
Nowadays Im a lot more myself. More comfortable.
So as a result I was more loving and affectionate.
Another one of my new habits is instead of worrying about what others think of me, Im more focused on making them feel good. Because this makes life alot more enjoyable.
I focused on giving my friend warmth and affection. Giving him loads of compliments. He is not a romantic interest for me, but still I enjoyed making him feel loved.
I walked home with great appreciation in my heart.

Resurrection of exes.
 

Resurrection of exes.
Past 2 days the past 3 men I have loved and desired romantically, but it didnt work out, have contacted me.
One who I havent spoken to since March, Another who I havent seen since June, and the latest one who we have had no contact for 6 weeks.
All 3 expressed interest in meeting up...
Kinda weird.
But Ive changed. So much has changed in the past 30 days. Been giving myself more attention instead of to my career.
Last night I met one of these exes (#3) bc we were invited to a bday party.
Funny the invitation came out of the blue, ten min after he called...
So we all met in a bar. First thing he said to me was "wow! You look amazing! Somethings changed about you!" I ordered a drink and the barman said- "Its ok, dont pay, its on me". And my ex said "yeah, if you look like that Im surprised you pay for anything at all" haha

All these 3 men left me wanting more, and feeling insecure and unloved, a victim.
but my confidence has risen lately. because Ive been loving myself a lot more. Im no longer needy and I feel confident enough to give them love unconditionally. Im no longer interested in a relationship with any of them, as I know its impossible, but still I appreciate all they gave me.
Last time I saw last nights ex I was begging him to be with me. I was a mess... But as I said so much has changed since then....

Also met another guy last night. He actually asked me if my career was more a priority or a relationship right now. i said a relationship. He took my #...
Not sure hes my type but Ill see...

Today I realized the importance of having my own space to create my new reality, in this period of transformation
Because the reality Im creating is far beyond what my life has been so far
I cannot hang out with old friends for extended periods of time.

This weekend I hanged out a lot with my pregnant friend who is visiting from my hometown. Spent many hours together
It was very fun. We laughed a lot, did fun things and yes, she being pregnant same age as me, from a man she loves and who is crazy about her, in what sounds like a very sane relationship, very much inspired me and showed me that my dream can come true.
tonight we had dinner with a friend of hers and that was already too much for me.
I need my own space to dream.
Im blessed in different areas, and a lot of things come easily to me, where many people struggle. And I dont want to feel bad for being blessed. Especially as I know its also thanks to my using LOA

Basically many people inspire me, but I need to take them in small doses in this period, bc non of the people around me is living the life I dream of fully.

Full of health, love, passion wealth and spirituality. Happily married +2 (or more) with a dose of fame. ;)

Now that I think of it, this is why sometimes I need to look at celebs for inspiration as sometimes I feel like they are more suitable role models for me then the people around me.
Sometimes I feel like thats the path Im on...
I have no desire to be famous as in recognizable on the street, but I do wish for my work to be well known and to touch many people.
There are a few highly successful celebs who dont settle on their family lives either. many of them use LOA very intentionally

Manifestation goes both ways as we know...
Yesterday I became obsessed with 9/11. I saw so much 9/11 footage on youtube. for hours. I dont know why. I just was feeling so devastated from it all since I live in NY now, and love this city so much
I fell asleep watching a documentary, hearing those planes crash again and again in my half awake state.

I got up and went to my computer. unplugged a hard disc and replugged it. And it sparked. *boom*. gone. no more HD.
I knew this was a manifestation.
My mind was on explosions and wreckage and thats what I manifested.
Today I gave it in to retrieve the data.
I intend for them to retrieve all my documents fully functioning. Amen.
The interesting thing is I told this to a friend and she was like- why are you so calm?! You sound way too happy for me to believe you...
And I realized that something similar happened 2 months ago and not only was I not calm I was completely panicking, crying.
It all turned out OK in the end but I was hysterical until it was OK.
I guess I really have found some kind of inner peace.... Wow.

After giving my hard disk to be fixed I went home.
Then cleaning lady came, she wasnt here for 2 weeks. First thing she said to me was- "You changed!"
"Why, how?" I asked.
She said "Are you in love?"
I said "no"
"you look like your in love, you look calm and happy"
....
hmm...It made me realize that it could happen. It can happen that Ill be in love and happy...That it could happen just as life is right now.
Im going to meditate on that...

Ive begun listening to affirmations on attracting a mate. before going to bed.
I do believe this helps to some extent, as I love imagining its true. I enjoy it. :)
(its an app called "attract a mate" haha)

So yesterday I woke up to two guys asking me out:
Guy M invited me to see his performance
Guy R asked me to join him to see another performance.
So what did I do?
I asked guy C, the one Im really interested in to come see Guy M's performance. (Guy C is the handsome man from my post on: 09-06-2011 who I wasnt sure if he was single even though we went out on a date)

To my surprise Guy C immediately responded that he'd love to join me (even though I asked at 4pm and the show was at 7pm).
And it was very fun. Afterwards we went out for a drink, and he began... "you know last time we went out it was kinda weird because it felt like a date...:confused:...and well I have a girlfriend you know..."
me: ":o um yes, well I didnt know that..."
you never mentioned that...
But funnily enough right after he said that it was like a big brick wall that had been standing between us, fell. Suddenly the conversation went from our common interests to deep and intimate- we spoke of our desire to have kids, ideas about marriage and alternative ceremonies. past relationships, fears, hopes, repeated patterns we are trying to overcome....
Plus hes pretty funny and I havent laughed so much in ages!
But- Like I said he has a gf. Shes in another country and theyve only been together for 3 months, but Im backing off completely. Not even gonna think about this guy anymore.

Ive made a pact with myself that Im no longer going after what isnt mine.

If a guy tells me hes not available for a relationship and/or doesnt want kids- They are not mine.
I trust the universe to provide me with what belongs to me. Instead of desiring the unavailable and tormenting myself and damaging my self esteem.
My usual pattern would be to keep hoping that he would be mine. And taking every rejection personally. Im so glad I went home feeling not like a victim, but empowered! I made a friend. I shared my true honest self and desired nothing in return!

Im just glad the universe showed me such a great man, not complicated. Romantic. Like monogamy and wants kids. Plus shares a ton of stuff with me. and attraction. Yes, universe I'll order myself something like this....:):)

So this morning I got a call, from one of my last loves (or crushes), he wants to take me out to a restaurant... The only thin is hes married.

No he isnt looking to cheat.
I know that, we had a very special deep connection a few months ago.
We lived together, far from home, for a month in very special circumstances. We both kinda fell for eachother and havent seen eachother since.
He called bc we have to potential to be friends, Soul friends. But only after I decided to let go of whatever isnt mine can we now meet in a "clean" manner. No hidden agendas. Yes I said Id be happy to meet.
And no, I no longer feel any desire to be with him romantically as I did back then.

I am so enjoying your thread Danas! Please keep it up, its a real help :)

Thank you! Im glad someone is reading this :)! I think that sharing this publicly is really helping my manifestations!

Last night I realized that all the work emails that are being sent to me are bouncing back and my website was gone since 3 days!! Problem is the web host I work with are in another country and were on holiday! (I forgot to pay for the yearly renewal)
Plus my hard drive with all my work from 10 years was dead and being repaired but I still hadnt heard back.
I felt like my whole identity was being erased, So yes at first I got pissed off and panicked.

But then I sat down took a pen and paper and wrote that tomorrow I wake up to a new reality where my website and email is back and my hard drive data is saved!
As I wrote I felt it to be true.

I woke up and this is exactly what happened!

The server company wrote that as an exception they are giving me back my site until they come back from holiday in a few days.
And soon after I got a call that all my data from my HD has been retrieved!

Im writing all these technical details here because this was clearly LOA at work! Not to accept bad luck- just change it immediately to the reality I want.
Writing down the reality I want in present tense, feeling it for a few moments and thank you and let go.
Im just too tired of getting stressed out these days. Whats there to panic about?
Everything is just fine and all my dreams are manifesting. If I dont like the direction things are going i can change it right away

Yesterday I spent the day with a guy I recently met on one of my solo ventures.
Even though I knew Im not interested in him romantically, for various reasons (hes a lot younger, totally broke and doesnt know what hes doing with his life), it was still very fun! I love it that this guy is manipulation free. It was an honor to spend the day with such a sweet, honest and funny man. I love it that we were so respectful of each-other. It really lifted my spirits, which had been a bit down...
Why down?
I think 2 reasons:

1)Two days ago a man I was dating a few years ago called that hes in my hood. We met when I was living in another country and we were in an LDR for a while and I nearly moved across the world to marry him, but then he dumped me...And thank god for that!
5 years later he's totally lifeless and depressed, he lives a loveless life full of unresolved pain. Back then he didnt like it that I was such a dreamer. I thought he would help me become "normal". And yeah, maybe the life he lives is "normal". No miracles happen. I have miracles everyday.
So having lunch with him made me depressed too! :(. Two hours of his energy was enough to put me down for the rest of the day.

2)I didnt want to admit it but...
My most recent ex came back to town and we met, (see 09-09-2011, 04:19 PM)
He was away for a month and this gave me time to heal. But since he's been back, he's been texting every so often and so have I.
Yesterday he called and today I called him back.
He was just on his way to sit in a bar.
After we hung up I started crying. This guy made me cry so much in our relationship too. And even just talking to him made me cry in a totally irrational way.
Then while he was in the bar he sent me pics of him through his phone, and texted and called.
Finally I picked up. I told him that I still have feelings for him and best if we wont be in touch for now.
He said he understood. And that was that.
Im happy I just did that! :) :)
This month I cleared out from my life all the manipulative relationships, or just ones that made me feel bad.
Being in touch with him would be a step back.
I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my back. wow!

Last night I went to dinner with the married guy (see 09-15-2011, 03:11 AM )
who I had a crazy crush on (and he did have a crush on me too- but his ended before mine ;))
We havent seen eachother since, he wanted to meet as friends, so I thought I could handle it. And I could. It was nice. Nothing amazing. Didnt feel any special connection to him anymore. Even felt like he took more energy from me than gave... Thats good I guess. Anything I ever felt for him (and boy did I feel!!) totally dissolved.
So, no feelings there.
And the last guy I was with I asked not to contact me anymore 2 days ago. So today I felt like wow- I have no one to even daydream about. :eek:
And my immediate thought was to go back on OKC and fill that gap. But no. For the next week Im staying empty. A cleanse. Not looking for any immediate fulfillment. In a week there are some special events for me spiritually. So its a good preparation.

I also want to eliminate any other instant gratifications I look to. For a week. For a week Im not filling my desire for love and comfort and approval with any quick fix

Meditating and studying and having certainty that the universe will provide.
This also gives me a chance to look at neediness. All I need I can find in the light, in my higher self. I do not need external fulfillment (it doesnt contradict wanting to be in a relationship)

Things have been moving forward in my career. I met a famous man in my field today. He came over and we did a "show and tell". I met him a few weeks ago at a talk I went to alone...At first I was so keen to meet him I mailed him several times, his replies were flaky. But only when I totally let go, did he start contacting me and actually came over
We may work together. Glad to have attracted this man. His seriousness and commitment about his career almost legitimized my seriousness.
And he does think big! He wants to change the world (physically!!)

I also proposed a big solo project to an institute, they were interested...
So I feel like Im entering whole new territory. Thank goodness! Lately Ive had a lot of insecurities about my work, but now I see how its all coming together and becoming meaningful!

I feel a lot of excitement on the career front. Ive been connecting and doors are opening. Doors that were shut when I last knocked...

I have been intending so hard lately for a break though and it seems like Im entering new terrain. Even just the people I hang out with. Last night I went to dinner with 20 people. (totally by chance ended up there) and I think I was the only one without a wikipedia entry.
Being around the world's top people in my field is exciting. It all started because besides the fact that I do a lot, Ive been going out (often alone) and speaking to people. Thats what makes this city (NYC) so exciting. You never know who you're mingling with...
Ive had fear of success and I think Im getting over it. Im more confident, not afraid to speak my opinion and speak up for what I do.

Its interesting that some growth seems to be happening in my career. despite the fact that Ive been making no work for 2 months now. besides thinking & reading and meeting people. Ive totally chilled out in this area (after working hard for months) So sometimes when you totally let go, and stop "doing" things start falling into place.
Besides that one of the guys yesterday called me over to tell me that Im hot and he'd totally "do" me. Which, lets admit, is always nice to hear (although it put me off him completely). Like I wrote yesterday, not filling the empty with any temporary pleasures this week. Going cold turkey is not so easy, but possible.

I hosted a small party tonight
Was nice. A guy I recently met called me today. So I casually invited him too.
He stayed after everyone left and I thought Id give him a chance.
He started massaging my back. We had a nice convo. But It just wasnt happening for me. I asked him to leave. But still it felt nice to be touched, (nothing sexual)...very nice... But not nice enough. His personality kept showing up ...:o
It was clear: no, I dont wanna see him again.

Still it was a nice evening....
Im still in "let go" mode. Im taking action. Like this party tonight where I invited all kinds of people.
But not desperate action.
I so keep wanting to call my ex since I asked him not to call me, but Im really learning self control....I will let things unfold as they should. I trust that they are

Just looking back I find it amazing that on 08-30-2011, 03:15 PM I wrote
"I intend to meet new people every day"
And I have! Almost every single day since I wrote this, I have met new people, and not only met, but exchanged emails, talked a long time and kept in touch. Not just shallow introductions.
It has never been like that before.
Its crazy. I think that there's real power in making declarations. Declare and the universe will get to work.

So what other intentions can I declare here?

*I intend to keep my vibe high and focus on the reality and things I want every day, all day.

*I Intend to meet a great single straight guy who is funny, honest, smart, fertile child lover, ambitious and a believer (doesnt matter in what, as long as its not just "logic") who I really connect with and we are attracted to each other both physically and intellectually... And is ready to be in a relationship with me. I intend for out union to add a lot of good to the world by joining our goals and actions as a loving unit.

* I intend to be a channel through which smart, deep, honest, moving, beautiful work is created.

*I intend for my work to be exposed to many people in the best possible conditions. I intend for it to move people, and to connect them to truth. I intend for my work to be part of the international discussion. To be written about. To be sold at high prices and exposed all over the world.

I asked the universe a simple question:
Whats blocking me? (I wrote it down)
So the universe answered straight away:
"I'll show you"
And boy did it show me!
Huge issues manifested right before me, while I was trying to be happy go lucky.
Huge because they brought me to so much tears!
Basically I realized that I still have a victim mentality
It doesnt show up with friends so much, thats why its hard to reveal these deep patterns. But with certain family members.... Oh boy!

I found myself repeating the patterns with my mom as I have been for 25 years now. And it got me to the same place- Nowhere! in other words I caused pain to everyone including myself. We all lose.

So after a lot of inner work after the chaos started I managed to turn it into a win/win solution!
I hope...
After that I decided to now really let go of my victim mentality once and for good.
I took myself to my favorite restaurant and celebrated with a 3 course meal.
Ive never done that before! Me and my notebook at a candlelit dinner....
Yes, I welcome a new consciousness into my life. I am never alone. I have myself.

Today I gifted myself a nice massage and later I was meant to meet a girl friend but last minute she changed her plans, I was a bit pissed off because this wasnt the first time this happened...

But just then the guy who was at my dinner party the other day and stayed late (see 09-26-2011) texted that he has a gift for me and he's near my house....
He has called and texted several times since the party but I have rarely answered.
Tonight I just said ok, as I was already about to leave to meet my friend.
He gave me the gift and asked if Id like to join him to eat... at the same restaurant I was sitting at alone last night, enjoying a 3 course meal, imagining I was with my mate! I was even wearing the same dress as I wore last night!

Yesterday I treated myself, today someone else treated me for an amazing meal.
And I really enjoyed his company, I realized I judged him too soon...
Hes actually smart and sweet and makes me feel comfortable.
At the end he said- "wow I really like you!". Which was nice to hear..
The thing is Im leaving for a few months in a few days... For a project.
So long USA....Ill be back soon!

Wow, Danas your being so courageous and its all seems to be coming together!! xx

Sex and the city...
 

Thanks for your encouragement!

Its been an interesting 24 hours....
I seem to attracting a lot of abundance. But unlike money and success which is good thing to have abundance of, to be attracting an abundance of men is, well, not quite what I meant mr. universe...:rolleyes:

I'd been thinking lately that I really would like to have sex, I even went and bought condoms the other day to help "manifest" this...:p
I realized that the only guy who I would be willing to do that with was the guy I mentioned on 09-20-2011... because although it was clear to me he wasnt for me, he is really quite a hottie.
And last night he called that he's just by my house and 10pm and even though we'd never even touched before, one thing led to another....and *poof* it manifested.
it was fun. But it wasnt love making. He left (I kicked him out) and I felt some resistance to what I just experienced because I felt like I was no longer "pure". Like I didnt know him well enough. Even though he was really sweet and all...It just didnt feel right.

Anyway, this morning my ex (see 2) 09-20-2011) came to pick stuff up and very soon we were caressing and kissing on the couch... :o. (With him it did feel like love...)
I told him that I do love him, and it was a very cool few hours we spent together. Very loving. But still he is not interested in a relationship with anyone and Im not interested in a relationship with him.

So within less than 12 hours Id been somewhat intimate with 2 different guys...

But the great thing about life, (especially if you believe in subjective reality in a city where its not likely to bump into ppl unintentionally), is that you can just say *next* and move on.
Im not going to linger on what happened...
This reality that unfolded is not what I chose. so I press the next button.
I chose a real relationship with one person instead of many semi relationships.
Yes I fall, I make mistakes, but Im amazed how little it has affected me. None of these guys are for me (they are both 8 years younger and are not ready for anything serious). I fell into this because I became impatient. It was fun but not amazing. Next time Im intimate with someone I chose for it to be with someone that there is a real chance, an opening, for a relationship with, and that it will be what I'll desire...

Anyway- straight after all that I met someone I was introduced to on the career front. A huge supporter of my line of work. He invited me to his beautiful home and what I thought would be a 15 min meeting turned into an intriguing 4 hour visit.

Him and his wife in their beautiful home, fascinated about what I do, raised my vibration and made it so easy to turn to a new page.

Hi folks
Sorry I kinda disappeared.
In the meantime Ive moved across the Atlantic to a small European seaside town.
So, a lot less people in my life is an understatement.
Plus I dont speak the language (Im learning though) and hardly anyone speaks English.
None the less, its nice. I live across the street from the ocean.
A slow pace. I came here for career reasons and its all paid for. All I have to do is create. Do what i love to do. No financial worries. No other worries. Bills etc.. Its all taken care of.
All I have to do is be creative. They dont even expect to see any end results. So uts quite a gift.
I live with a man. I only just met him. He's the only one in town who speaks English well. We get on fine. It almost surprises me. I havent lived with anyone in years for more than 2 -3 weeks. And here we are confined to each other. Hes not a romantic option. No interest in that sense (hes involved and I have no interest anyway), but Im learning to be generous and kind.
It almost feels like Im practicing on him sharing my life with someone.

Today I discovered a great pool in town. I got a subscription. As I was swimming I said to myself there's no one here to love you but yourself.
Yup. Im so used to needing outside approval. Im used to turning heads and guys chatting me up that Ive almost come to rely on this for my own approval. But now its not the same.
Now Im here alone and I realized that I am the love Ive been waiting for.:)
Yes, this sounds like a cliche, but truly, there is now one else here but me.

This is an opportunity to explore this new kind of love. The partner will come.
Ive had days here where I felt so desperate. I saw a loving couple on a train and started crying right in front of them because their love seemed so unattainable for me and I felt so alone. but now self love is what I will focus on.:)

Thanks for being here forum. I missed you

Oh wow... Well... For the most part, you've gotten everything you've wanted, including living by the sea!!

This is so inspirational!

Thanks for reminding me pyrogen.
Well almost everything... Things are happening though.

Wow, even when I live in a small village with no one I know, I manage to recreate the same issues. Whats up with that??

So someone I met here told me they have a beautiful apartment for me free for the weekend, in one of Europe's most romantic cities, which is just a short train ride away. So I decided to go.
I read on FB (I had to get back on there for certain reasons) that this guy I met once, months ago, in a party in NYC is there.
He lives in NY but is visiting his hometown which is in this city I was going to for the weekend.
So we met in the evening briefly and he offered to give me a tour of the city the next morning.

At 9am we rented bikes and he showed me all around the most beautiful places, cathedrals, museums, rivers and canals, parks, cafes, palaces. We went everywhere! it was so fun. the weather was perfect. It was like a dream!
Or like a movie.
There was strong attraction going on, I was in heaven! He was very caring and funny and attentive. Plus he is very handsome. I couldnt help thinking "This may be it!". It felt like the film "before sunrise"
I was waiting for him to kiss me already! hoping that he would...

Finally at 10pm we were quite tipsy from a few glasses of wine from all the bars he took me to, and finally we kissed in a pretty alley.
I think I can say he is the best kisser I've ever engaged with.
We parted ways around 2am.
In the morning I walked around and I called him at 1pm. He offered to come over and then take me to more museums and then to the station to catch my train home. But instead we just got kissing again in the apartment.
We started really making out and then he said that there is a girlfriend waiting for him back in NY. he's flying back there in a two weeks. :confused:

I admit this made me feel sad and disappointed. I tried to be cool, but my disappointed showed through. I was very hurt. maybe even angry.
Suddenly this guy who I was already fantasizing about a future with, appeared as a complete a**hole.
He blamed me for tempting him, but then he took it back.

I was disappointed also in myself at being so blind.
But then I caught the train back to my village and slowly the sad feeling passed. Suddenly I didnt feel regret anymore, but more grateful for such a delightful experience.

Maybe I'll never find love. Maybe I will. I almost dont care anymore.
Maybe I was meant to be without a loving partner. I dont know.
And maybe this was just to give me a taste of what its like to be with a fun loving partner, even though its not the real deal yet.

Its weird bc before I left the US I wrote this whole romantic story about meeting someone in this city, and basically the day I shared with him is more of less what I wrote. So I keep manifesting scenes in the reality I want, but not the whole reality. Im scared I guess.

For now Im just letting go (again). If it happens it happens. Im just too tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again and again.
Im not built for this. its too tiring

The thing is... For the most part, you don't tend to find love by going around and engaging sexually (including kissing)... A huge number of people I know, who have successfully found love, it does not always resemble the romantic movie or follow through from an impulsive vacation romance or even from immediate intense chemistry.

It helps to be very very clear on what results you want so that you can calibrate what you are doing to achieve those results...

This event does not mean that you will never find love. Perhaps it is in your path to learn from. For example, if you adopt a meta-position above your problem, you can see where you have experienced problems and avoid doing the same thing that has kept bringing you undesirable results.

In this case - and I see this common one with a lot of women - it's going around town kissing with your eyes metaphorically closed. A lot of women basically randomly meet people and get into sexual situations with them, and consider this sexy and romantic, but it doesn't seem to help them find love. I usually advise women who have a constant pattern of hurt and being used, to back away, maybe be celibate for a little while, and just be friends with men. Then go out with the men with whom one is already friends. more couples actually form via a common context and shared socializing than by meeting out of the blue.

Usually I hear that this is not sexy or romantic, but if you are not getting the
results that you want, sometimes you need to examine whether it is going to happen via the means you are using.

Once you are in love, you probably will not even care how it happened. And you will find a way to work "we were friends first" into your love narrative so that in retrospect, it is sexy and romantic.

Now, as for the change in scenery - the sad truth is that you take yourself with you wherever you are.