Manifesting my new reality

[danas]

Thanks pyrogen
You are right.
The thing is I know this. And I keep repeating it. Thats why I was mostly disappointed in myself after I realized the truth of the situation.
I felt ashamed that I couldn't restrain myself . That I was so impatient for his kiss already. wanting to rush to romance. Like flipping to the end pages of a novel...
But Im going to try to take your advice.

There were some hints along the way of the day that were also clear that he wasnt the one, but I wanted to give a blind eye.
For instance he kept teasing me about being vegan. Saying that Ill never understand the local culture and its so problematic etc...
The night after we kissed I dreamt about him. In the dream he and I didnt share the same values, and in the dream he even told me that he is anti-semitic. Of course he is not in real life, but me being Jewish, I guess that the dream was telling me that he wasnt accepting of who I am on a deep level.
Also in the dream I wanted to give him a lot of abundance which he didnt want to take.

I often have dreams about a person immediately after I meet them, telling me something I need to know.
I woke up and I knew this was not a good sign.
Another thing I noticed was that after we kissed I was expecting the other shoe to drop, I was waiting for him to say "I have a gf, or Im gay or whatever as long as it was clear that it cant work.
But when he didnt I was so shocked that I thought wow! for the first time there are no obstacles, this might just work!
But the truth is I was already "writing" that ending in my mind.

Last night I decided to re-write a different ending to the story. One where it just works. One where he really is into me, and wants a relationship with me. As technically it could've ended up that way too...
It felt nice to write another scenario.
I realized how unfamiliar that is for me. How I just expect it to end before it begins, bc thats what happened with the last 10 guys I really liked since my last bf back in 2007!

It was nice to come back home and even to my roomate. I spent the last weeks building good relationship with him. Giving a bit more then expected etc, it was nice to be greeted by someone really caring and generous after the bad feeling I left the big city with.

So, I havent given up on love. Im still learning.
Last night I dreamt Steve Pavlina offered me to take a new route instead of down the streets I always walked down, I told him sure, its weird Ive never taken that route even though Ive lived here for a while...
So I will take that advice, and try a new route. Its all subjective reality anyways...

[danas]

Ive decided to do a 30day man/romance fast.
This feel right to me.
Not even hoping, day dreaming, desiring a relationship.
Nope. Instead I'll focus on being good to myself.
Every day do something good for myself and ready myself for the relationship.
I bought some new shoes today. Yesterday I went swimming and jaccuzzing

I realized how the incident with the man I last wrote about, caught me off guard. I was totally swept away and also so disappointed.
Made me see that theres still work to do on self love....

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by danas

Ive decided to do a 30day man/romance fast.
This feel right to me.
Not even hoping, day dreaming, desiring a relationship.
Nope. Instead I'll focus on being good to myself.
Every day do something good for myself and ready myself for the relationship.
I bought some new shoes today. Yesterday I went swimming and jaccuzzing

I realized how the incident with the man I last wrote about, caught me off guard. I was totally swept away and also so disappointed.
Made me see that theres still work to do on self love....

This may help you a lot!

[danas]

Its been an interesting week. I didnt feel too well, probably due to last weekend's emotional rollercoaster. Felt pretty weak, ill, vulnerable.
But still, I did something nice for myself everyday.
Also made some progress with my projects. The reason for me being here. Got emails from 3 different continents of people telling me how they appreciate my work they purchased, sometimes years ago, so that was nice to hear.
Also made a list of all the qualities I want to be in a relationship, like honest, communicative, independent, warm etc... and after that all the qualities I want in a mate.
I started practicing on the guy I live with here, my roomate, even though I have no romantic connection with him (nor do I want one!) But Im using him as my relationship surrogate bc I havent lived with anyone in years. Anyway, towards the end of the week for the first time since I met him, he did something that really hurt my feelings. I felt betrayed and rejected.
My first reaction was wanting to leave, move, never talk to him again, but I cant really do that here. Or just be as cold as ice and hope he got the message, but also i wasnt sure if I was just creating a big drama. and maybe I should just swallow the pain, telling myself my expectations are unrealistic, and just continue being "nice".
I asked myself what would be the mature thing to do? How could I do it different then how I usually react?

So in the morning he was all nice, and i simply sat down and said "you know, when you do xyz it makes me feel like this...." He actually really apologized. Said he wont do it again and said he understands what Im saying.
And then when we were done, I just got up and said ok. see you later, and left to do some errands outdoors. I sat in a cafe and noticed that the pain I had been feeling was gone. I was happy again. Because yes, maybe I do get hurt easily, but part of loving myself is respecting my own feelings and letting them be expressed. Not in a blaming way, but just state the facts "when you did that I felt hurt".
I must say this is a totally new thing for me.

Later in the day I found a professional masseur and received an incredible massage! An hour long. In America it may have even been considered erotic, (even though he didnt touch anything ), but here they have a less fearful approach to the body... Anyway I enjoyed it and it was a huge dose of love I gave myself.
So it feels like love is getting closer. Its already here., but the love partner reality feel closer too.
Also I thought last night "wouldnt it be nice to have a girl friend here. Just a girl i can trust and hang out with. It seemed almost impossible in the small foreign town. But a voice said "you can manifest anything", and I thought, yeah, but thats almost impossible...
Anyway today I listened to my messages which I didnt do all week bc I know about 5 people here, and there was a girl I briefly met one night here and gave her my card saying she has a friend with a car and wants to show me around the town, I called her back today and we made a date! Shes a divorced mom artist, and seems like she wants a friend too.
So that was cool too.
Its quite an interesting process like the quietness and the oddness of this town is introducing me to all the things i need to work on.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by danas

The 2nd one was such a handsome man, I could look at him for hours... Also super smart. Same field as me. We laughed a lot. Yes, I liked him a lot. The dream man...But.. When the bill came he split it with me and kissed me on the cheek. That says it all... no?

I'm a bit confused here.

Did you decide "no" because he didn't pay for the bill outright?

He may have wanted to be sensitive to you being an independant woman? Many women don't like the man to pay and insist on paying half.

I guess I just don't understand why you would decide there and then that he was wrong for you , even though you get along on some levels and he's smart and handsome and all these good things, and then this one thing he did which may not have met your expectations, gets your exit pass?

[pyrogen]

I wouldn't assume anything based on the first date. Like elucidate said, maybe he thinks he is being polite.

[danas]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I'm a bit confused here.

Did you decide "no" because he didn't pay for the bill outright?

He may have wanted to be sensitive to you being an independant woman? Many women don't like the man to pay and insist on paying half.

I guess I just don't understand why you would decide there and then that he was wrong for you , even though you get along on some levels and he's smart and handsome and all these good things, and then this one thing he did which may not have met your expectations, gets your exit pass?

Originally Posted by pyrogen

I wouldn't assume anything based on the first date. Like elucidate said, maybe he thinks he is being polite.

That was written a while ago .
What I meant was not that if he doesnt pay he passes. No way!
Its just that there are certain nuances in the dating game that speak louder then words. In NYC usually if a guy splits the bill with you first time you go out it often means he's not interested romantically- or he is just cheap.
Any way not a good sign. It was just an indication to me that theres something up bc he didnt seem cheap.
But I was really into this guy and I asked him out again: (see quote below from a few days later.), and my intuition was right. he split the bill bc he had a gf and didnt see it as a "date", but just as friendship meeting. Why did he ask me out? I guess bc we are in the same line of work and just wanted to make new friends.
Heres the entry about him from a few days after (he is guy C):

I asked guy C, the one Im really interested in to come see Guy M's performance. (Guy C is the handsome man from my post on: 09-06-2011 who I wasnt sure if he was single even though we went out on a date) To my surprise Guy C immediately responded that he'd love to join me (even though I asked at 4pm and the show was at 7pm).
And it was very fun. Afterwards we went out for a drink, and he began... "you know last time we went out it was kinda weird because it felt like a date......and well I have a girlfriend you know..."
me: " um yes, well I didnt know that..."
you never mentioned that...
But funnily enough right after he said that it was like a big brick wall that had been standing between us, fell. Suddenly the conversation went from our common interests to deep and intimate- we spoke of our desire to have kids, ideas about marriage and alternative ceremonies. past relationships, fears, hopes, repeated patterns we are trying to overcome....
Plus hes pretty funny and I havent laughed so much in ages!
But- Like I said he has a gf. Shes in another country and theyve only been together for 3 months, but Im backing off completely. Not even gonna think about this guy anymore.

[danas]

I realize that I have manifested a lot of what I set out to. Its pretty amazing.
Im living with a man, Im doing what i love to do and getting paid, I live by the sea, and lots of great things are happening in my career. I've been given time to work all day and night on my art and there's a whole team supporting me all around the globe. Even the mayor of the town said he'll do anything in his power to make sure I can do whatever I want.

The dynamic with the man I live with is interesting. I was disappointed by something he did in my last entry here, but since than Ive worked on my own self love and happiness, and now we have a good, fun, supportive friendship.
I seem to have been able to manifest romance very easily. But a relationship has been harder to manifest. So now Im working on the relationship, without the romance part- which is really what I need work on.

Also the house which was a total mess first 2 weeks, has now stayed immaculately clean for a week!
Its like we both see it as our sanctuary and its important to us to keep it clean.
That amazing for me, because I've always had this belief that I would never find a man bc Im so messy.

My parents, siblings etc always made it clear that I lack that "womanly" trait to maintain a household.
So In the past decade Ive always had a cleaner, but this never helped change that belief, it only reinforced it. Bc even the cleaners thought I was too messy...
But here Ive proved to myself that Im totally capable of keeping the house clean and beautiful....Everyday I sweep and clean and do the dishes. No big deal.
Also I bought myself a beautiful nightgown. instead of old worn out PJs which I would be too embarrassed to wear with a partner...
So I feel like the angels sent me this roommate, so I could imagine, prepare and test out my relationship skills, after living alone for so long.

Also I notice my sixth sense has been very strong. Because my mind is quiet.
Im literally having dreams that are prophesies of events that happen the very next day.
So, this is giving me a lot of trust in the process, I feel like the whole universe is setting out to help me manifest my wildest dreams.

This weeked I engaged with 3 women. All 3 mothers. All in their 50s, all with 3 children. All 3 were mothers to 2 boys and one girl.
I wonder why I met and spent an evening in 3 different situations with these woman (and their husbands).
Maybe to show me an example of where Id like to be in 15 years in the family aspect. Id love to have 3 kids and be happily married. It showed me what motherly love and care was (something I didnt grow up with as my mom left us when I was 15), and how their husbands lovingly supported these 3 women. It was 3 different examples of a well functioning families....

Ive met a few men in the past weeks. but Im totally happy to just work, so I let things unfold how and when they should, Im not desperate for anything to be different than how it is right now, bc right now things are really good and Im having fun!

[danas]

I'm very happy.
My life is so beautiful at the moment. It's really so amazing.
I guess what I need to be happy is:

1.Having time to do what I love to do, and to get paid for it, I feel like I have a lot of supporters, and have a lot of respect for what I do. Ive been interviewed twice this week for different media

2. Fresh clean air (i live by the sea now)

3. If not romance, than at least hope.
Im meeting lots of new people. getting asked out quite a lot. Really enjoying that.

4. Cultural inspiration (seeing lots of great works lately), Intellectual stimulation. (Im learning a new language here, and I can already speak pretty well, my teacher said she's very impressed by my progress)

5. Good sleep. Ive been sleeping so well lately.

Its good to know what makes you happy. I dont need tons of people, or even luxury. I just wanna do my art and feel like its wanted and desired, as well as being full of hope for romance. Harmonious relationships.

[danas]

There are certain areas in my life where my reality is already where i'd like it to be. Where Ive reached a high level of easy manifestation. So I wanna learn from these areas so I can apply them to weaker areas.
If I look at the main areas in life: Health, Abundance (and finances), Social life, Career, Relationships (including primary relationship)
So in terms of where Id like to be, Im very grateful that my abundance and my health are more or less where Id like them to be.
Manifesting in these areas is easy and calm for me. Also my social life is fine with me. And relationships with family and friends are very good too.
Careerwise Im always working hard, and some of my ambitions and goals in this area may only happen with Im in my 70s. Which is fine with me, as long as they happen. Preferably much earlier than that, but if they happen, I know Ive made some kind of contribution to the world that is significant enough. So my career is a life project, and every year I achieve goals that seemed like a dream the year before.

Now... Primary relationships- This is the area where my manifesting is weak.
And Ive been looking at all the areas in my life which are really going quite well, way above average for sure, and Im asking myself what is different in my process.
I realize that in other areas I have CERTAINTY!
I dont doubt my abundance. I know I have plenty and I never worry about this area, and so it is, more and more money flows into my life effortlessly.

In my career, yes I do have sometimes doubts, but they are not so emotional. I have doubts, but I just keep working and working. I know I can get better. I know if I keep working Ill have a lot more to contribute and people will seek it out. But yes, in this area I do not have the certainty I do with my abundance or health.

Now, primary relationship, does not yet exist in my reality, so this is my weakest area. The thing is sometimes I have certainty about this, but eventually doubt creeps in and whispers in my mind "You are alone, you'll always be alone...." And boom, within seconds, my eyes fill with tears and Im totally in doubt, self pity etc...
So my reaction is most emotional in this area.
So Ive been working on bringing in the calm certainty I have about my stronger areas, into this area of my life.
And its great!!! Because calm certainty is funner than self pity. Its like I realized who the enemy was, and now I can get rid of him. The enemy is those voices.
Another interesting thing happened. A rerun of my 10-29-2011 entry....
Like in the film Groundhog Day, the same things keep happening until you react differently....
Met another man I really liked, he asked me out, this time early on I discovered he had a gf in another town (4th time this happened in 2011)... but now, (thanks to pyrogen!) that was fine with me, Because I am anyway not rushing to get into anything right now. I practicing on being present and just enjoying the moment with another person, not hoping and praying for anything. I knew that I DO NOT want to be kissed anyway (bc Im trying pyrogen's advice).
And i tell you, this is so powerful!
Suddenly I had my power, instead of giving it to them. I did not need anything. On my entry on 10-29-2011, I so so wanted to be kissed by the guy, I kept seeing it praying, hoping, and so I got just that, along with a kick in my stomach (bc after our passionate kissing, he told me about his new gf he hopes to marry)
But last night, with this new guy, I didnt feel his discomfort bc I wasnt sending any sexual messages. And so I could just be me!

Example: In my nature Im very romantic. I try to hide this usually. If Im with someone I really like, I want to do something really romantic, but bc I like them so much I never say it and just shrugg my shoulders and let him decide what to do, bc I dont want him to think I like him so much (I know its complicated, but basically I cant just be me if I need the other person to want me)
But yesterday I didnt care, because I had no expectations or needs.

So when he asked me what I wanna do after we had a drink, I said what I really wanted to do, which was go for a walk by the sea at night.
So we ended up having a beautiful, super romantic night, but I dont feel hopeful or disappointed. Im just happy to have made a nice (very nice!) connection with someone.
I do not think he's right for me anyway as he's at least 10 years younger and lives in a country that Ill be leaving soon. We dont speak the same language so we kept passing the dictionary back and forth.

But I can tell you, I feel liberated. Because of my new approach of being certain and without any needs, desires yes, but not needs.

[danas]

Ive been feeling good lately. Especially thanks to Steve's latest blog entry.
It shifted my perspective to what is really important to me. Ive been focused on being more loving compassionate and just connecting with others. It helped me rethink my priorities and as a result the people around me have benefited.
I feel good and calm and I feel like I really love myself. Not that life has no challenges but I deal with them calmly and with a smile. (well, not always....)
And why wouldnt I be happy?
I saw this couple who really are amazing manifesters and they just had a baby. I watched their video blog twice and it really touched me.
More and more the feeling that this is actually possible for me has entered my mind.

Now I have another dilemma:
So the guy I wrote about last time and I have been spending more time together. He has been assigned to help me with my project here.
Wow. He's a sweety! He makes me feel good. He wants to help me and take care of me. Which is how I wanna feel in a relationship.

After we worked together last weekend intensely and made a little road trip in the country side I realized I have a crush on him
Harmless crush.
My heart says I love hanging out with him and he makes me feel good, I feel like we are on the same wavelength and he "gets" me totally.

But my logic says He's a decade younger than me, The age difference is a turn off , although he's very emotionally mature....
Also he is still a broke student, and we struggle to communicate as we dont share the same language. But we get by enough without many words.
Plus he mentioned not wanting kids, while I do very much. and I'll be leaving his small European town soon and returning to the states. (he already asked how much a ticket is and plans to visit me)

After thinking about him all week, yesterday he asked me out, with an excuse of helping me get something done that I needed to do.

Before I left the house I again decided not to kiss him or to make out because Im trying to go more slowly in this area.

He picked me up, took me to the most romantic places by the sea to show me some interesting stuff he thought Id like (he was right!)
Afterwards we came to his place where he had ready a vegan pie which he made all afternoon (Hes not vegetarian).
not really edible but so sweet of him
And then he helped me with my project.
I didnt know what he felt for me, but it was cool. Just two people connecting for hours.
And then just before I left he said- "I dont know what to do bc I want to kiss you and I cant because its not professional." and I just stood there and turned red and said "I dont know what to say"
He then drove me home and sent me a text apologizing. saying that "Im too cute and its hard for him" , and I texted him back that he is too, and then he wrote "Oh! Ok so now I know!".
anyway, I leaving his country soon. and I feel some confusion. Im afraid of putting energy in hopeless places. But on the other hand a voice says "go with the flow". He's so damn handsome.
He has a beard, which I love. I drew a few weeks a go a man with a beard and I kissing....

[danas]

Oh wow.
When I arrived here, in this temporary location for my project, I bought 2 vintage postcards in the flea market. One related to my project, and the other of a man kissing a woman, and put it on my wall.
After I manifested the project, I took that one down and now the only thing on the wall is a vintage postcard of a man kissing a woman.
So yes, the guy from my previous post and I hit it off.
Hes a sexy 27 year old "rock star" like guy, that doesnt speak much english, and I speak even less of his language, and he has a girlfriend somewhere else. Sound promising huh?

But we have a crazy connection which we both cannot explain.
He was assigned to be my assistant. And we just like spending time together. hours and hours talking and doing fun stuff.
After several "dates" we finally kissed. I was cool. Went with the flow, it was really fun. Last night I went to his place and ended up staying there, and yes, a lot of messing around naked...
I panicked in the night. I wanted to run away, I was angry at myself for going too fast... Felt like its over, that I killed it by sleeping with him,
But then I calmed down (besides its a really small town with no taxis at 3 am). Oddly enough I woke up in his arms and he was super sweet. He kept saying that we mustnt fall in love, but that he really likes me and cant explain our strong connection.
Anyway. Its all good. I did what I havent done in so long, let down my guard...
Also made me realize how Im still insecure. Well, no wonder, he is not available for me entirely. No wonder I feel insecure.
Hmmm.... I wanted to take a boat and visit some friends in another country.
We spoke that he may join me, but Im not sure if its a good idea.
Also hes totally broke and Im a millionaire. He doesnt know that at all, its my secret, but I wonder if this imbalance might be a problem...
But who knows. today I was flicking through some celeb gossip magazines while doing the laundry. Somehow I can relate to them. There you see lots of young sexy rockstar guys, with woman who are more "together".

The other day, before we ever kissed, he said "Its really crazy that you are alone. Its amazing that a woman like you is alone"
This made me really sad. Cause I wasnt alone. I was with him.
Afterwards I told him, this is why Im alone. I meet guys like you, which I like and connect with, but its impossible...

[danas]

The guy is so damn sweet!
He took a whole day off today just to help me get my project done.

I manifested him. the sexiest, sweetest man on earth.

It may not last as soon Im leaving back to America, and hes a poor student, but maybe maybe it could work.
In any case, I know Im getting closer. because Im starting to feel it. What it feels like to connect deeply with someone who doesnt disappoint me, despite me expecting him too, after all my past experience. Maybe he just wants sex. But still, he worked so hard o make me happy today.

I keep seeing 11:11 everywhere. And the age between us is exactly 1 decade + 1 year + 1 month +1 day thats 11:11! ha!

[JasonC]

I must say that this thread is wonderful! Thanks for sharing it! It's clear to me that you are VERY good at manifesting, despite what you may think.

The mind likes to try to forget what we're capable of, especially when we're stuck in negativity, but sharing your experiences here is a great way for you to look back and see what you've done

The entire thread inspires me to manifest more in my life!

[danas]

Thank you Jason!!

Yesterday I thought it was over. I was angry at myself for even getting involved with someone who isnt really available (again!), We spent many many hours together the last few days, and at night when we were with lots of friends, he didnt want anyone to know about us. I felt like he isnt standing up for his actions and lacks integrity.
But he sent me many text messages after I went home, apologizing, and today we met again for lunch. I told him how I felt and he really apologized. Then we spent 4 hours having sex
I cant really say no to him. Hes too sweet. Also I told him what i really want. That he comes with me to the states and we have babies.
I thought I may as well tell him what I want, instead of beating around the bush. I mean why not, Im leaving his country in a week.
He said its not impossible.
Logically it seems pretty impossible, but who knows.

I also decided to pay him something for all the work he did for me. I know hes totally broke and I wanna help him. But its balanced help, as he volunteered many hours for me. and helped me creatively with my project. So Ill pay him something for all his work.
Just kind of weary of this financial imbalance between us.
Anyway. After I leave here Ill have sometime to refocus on the kind of relationship I really want. In the meantime Im enjoying this dream like affair

[danas]

Hey guys
So its over. I think so. Im leaving soon, hes acting distant, and now says he doesnt think he'll come over to NYC to see me. Too big, too scary...
Im leaving in a few days.
I guess it was inevitable. I do believe in miracles, but I feel like I have to let him go now.
I feel grateful, but also really sad. He did remind me of love.
Many of the images from my vision board happened with him.
But no, he's not the one. He doesnt want it enough and so it cant work.
I do not want to go back to victim mode. I dont know exactly what this whole story was. He said it was too fast. I agree.
He still wants to see me before I leave, but I dont know if it would be a good idea.
We'll see, maybe. I want to be strong. Maybe if I just see him as a dream character that entered my reality to give me this gift of love and support, I feel better.
I can chose to be angry, and feel used, or I can just see it as something really really beautiful that it was.
My eyes are filled with tears. It was such a beautiful gift for me.
Beyond anything I experienced in years.
Now I move on. I deserve the real thing. True lasting love. A relationship that can last. That has a future. That is mutual, and is simple
I almost feel like writing him a thank you letter
....

[Seahorse]

Hi Danas,
I haven't read every single one of your posts (um, to be honest it's bit too much information for my liking but that's just me).

Reading through most of your posts though, two things really jump out at me in terms of vibe that's coming off the page.

1. Intense
2. Desperate and trying too hard to force things

Yes, I hear you probably saying; 'but no I'm not - I'm really sooo much more relaxed than I used to be....'

But it doesn't strike me as relaxed, just somebody who's hungry... Big time... So anything that looks halfway 'according to your idea' what seems like a good catch, "bang!" you're zooming in on the bloke and no surprise they may like the heat first but shy away from it in the long run.

Oops.

Yes, you're leaving, but as somebody else here already mentioned, you'll still be shlepping yourself about. The invisible chains that keep you locked up in yourself are for you to break through - there's no man who can do it for you. That's your job. You've got to own what you don't like about your psychological make-up that makes you act 'OTT' instead of trying to blame yourself. Because that's the "poor me, pity myself" mode (not necessarily victim - it's but a way to get attention, too...) but it doesn't require you to truly get 'hard-as-nails' to the nitty gritty as to why things never seem to work out as you'd like them to... Self-delusion is extremely difficult to detect but that seeps through as well in your account with that young man...(that student).

You can't change what you do not want to acknowledge as being part of who you are. You can only change what you see as being 'as is'.

No beating around your own bush so-to-speak if you get my drift... Lying to ourselves is a way to protect us from having to face the music of where we really in our process. It's a constant work-in-progress as I like to call it. But you gotta get real with yourself first.

That's the bottom line. No more messing about and wasting time 'pining' for 'the one'. Get down to business and sort yourself out for real. You have to give yourself what you need. Be your own best friend, you know?

Relax. Get your mind off men - period. Not even celibacy, just drop the ball for the moment. And for God's sakes, take some time off yourself... (!), or in other words: Take the pressure off yourself in terms of expectations, wants and needs. Especially needs...with men... give yourself space to breathe. It comes off pretty obvious to me.

You're still needy even if you claim otherwise. At least that's what it strikes me as, reading your posts... I'm not trying to discourage you, but I feel it's important you take stock of where you really are vs where you think you are.

Get to really like yourself and be content and at peace with being on your own. Anything else is going to set you up for more heartache and heartbreak.

Jumping too soon into the sack with a man (I'm female) is a sign of neediness, even if your "mind" 'tells' you differently... Remember, the mind is the biggest con-artist in the book and can come with all kinds of rationalisations and explanations as to what you don't want to see is happening - but you don't quite seem to 'get' what it is you're doing uh...not quite right.

The mind can fool us into anything we would like to believe, including that we're farther down the line of self-awareness than we really are... As long as your mind is way 'over there' but your real self is trailing behind (metaphorically speaking), the gap is obvious and it shows up as so-called 'failures' (don't take that word literally, will ya? It's a 'relative' word.).

Yes, it's over but you're only just starting. With yourself. So, if I were you, I'd use this period to come clean with your own BS (I'm not kidding) about what a relationship means to you.

First question:

What's your relationship with yourself?

When you respect yourself, you will attract totally different people into your life. The boundaries then come naturally as a consequence of your own sense of Self-worth not artificially created boundaries by the 'mind' yet not consistently followed by the heart. Do you see the difference?

So, your self-respect has to be sound, unshakeable and then you don't have to make it an issue on a forum. It's obvious to people who read what you write. D'you know what I mean?

We all got our work cut for us. And we gotta start where we find ourselves. That's all you can do but it's more than most people out there ever get around to, so it's all good. It's all part of the process of becoming fully self-realised, multi-dimensional Beings.

When you don't care whether a man is in your life or not, it's a great place to be, because either way, you're in a good place. And that's as good a place as any to attract somebody that is up to your scratch and a good match.

Bueno?

[ellie]

Love your advice Seahorse!

[danas]

@Seahorse
Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Yes, Im intense. Like many artists I know. And yes, I find it hard to say no when I like someone.
Some people cant hold themselves back when they see a chocolate cake, I cant hold my sef back when a man I like pulls me towards him.

We kissed after 6 "dates". Each date lasted between 15-6 hours. We took two road trips before we even touched, which he initiated.
So I dont know if thats too soon to kiss. The kissing felt right, but after that it got too intense. My fault yes.
Last time we were together in bed I told him I loved him repeatedly and that I wanna have babies with him.
Im very aware that thats what will drive a man away and puts me in a very vulnerable place.
I am self destructive, I know.
I do it because I want to push them away, because Im scared it wont work anyway. He repeatedly told me he wants to come to NY and got application forms, and it scared me, bc of many things.
I was afraid he wouldnt be serious so I wanted to push him off the idea and make sure he understands its all or nothing with me. which usually means "nothing" for them
And so after last time with those intense things I said, he changed his mind. No wonder.

The thing is when Im alone I love being with myself. For instance this morning I went to my favorite cafe, now Im going for a stroll on the beach with a friend.
This is why I attract so many men and so many girlfriends. Lots of people have told me that Im the funnest person they know.

I live a fun life and do only what I love. I have lots of friends for this reason. Always men are surprised when they see the change in me once Im hooked. Then I become needy and desperate, even if I take one day distance from them I return to my center, and that surprises them too. Always after a few days a part im cool again, and they chase me again, and I become close and desperate and intense very soon after.
Im really fine alone. Being with a man is what makes me lose it.

Do you think I should meet him again before I leave (he said he wanted to)...
I dont see the point.

[Seahorse]

Let's keep it simple, shall we?

OK. What do you REALLY want?

Seems to me you're conflicted between wanting to be with a man and at the same time seeing yourself as an 'independent, wonderful, great person' to hang out with. I'm not saying you are not, but it doesn't 'gel'...and thus, it doesn't 'manifest' in real life for you. D'you know what I mean?

You're sending out mixed messages. You're not in line with yourself - and yes, the fact you're confused (and, dare I say so, inconsistent in your behaviour - where's your head after you've been to bed with a man? Did it get lost somewhere? I'm just asking you, you don't have to answer me - it's for you to ask yourself what you're doing. Because you have to live with the consequences of your own f-ups, if you know what I mean) shows up in your life as men that behave contradictorily.

You're creating your own headaches by not being clear with yourself. That's what's really coming over here...

So, first thing is: 'why do you do this to yourself?'

Forget about meeting that man for a moment.

Where does it come from? You have to start digging into your past - why?

We attract our parents. I'm not kidding.

When we are not aware of our own childhood issues, we repeat the patterns that we have been 'taught' as 'role models' (this is not to be taken literally, it is to merely understand that this is all you know - and because it is familiar, it feels 'good' to you, even if it hinders and damages your prospects of being happy in a relationship).

So, as an example, if your mother was constantly running after your dad (even if he was not in the house - in case the marriage broke up), you're copying your mother's way of behaving towards men.

If your father was 'weak' (i.e., he was unable to deal with a woman's natural needs and just fulfill them 'satisfactorily'), you'd have a tendency to 'fall' for men who can't give you what you need - unconsciously you repeat what you know even if it makes you unhappy. D'you understand what I'm getting at?

The irony, is that the more you want somebody, the more pressure you exert on yourself and the poor man (sorry luv' it's not meant in a negative fashion, just being real, ya know?) is doing what he can to back off and get out of the 'situation'. Yes, you were patient to wait until you got intimate with the guy, but it's after you'd been with him, that the switch 'flipped' and your brain went shopping (so-to-speak!).

So, my suggestion would be to really do some serious soul-searching (turning inward...) in to your childhood and get to grips with why you do something that doesn't seem to make any sense if, what you're saying, is true (you're a great person, you're funny, you're talented, you're smart, you're independent, you're true to yourself).

Point is, you gotta live it. No point waffling about it on a forum (not tying to be hard on you just giving you a push in the direction that actually gives you kick-start to make it real rather than just 'talk' about it).

So, there's some homework waiting for you, luv. You know where to start and you already have the answers, but you gotta be honest with yourself first. Completely straight - no more pep-talk. Just real. And bring it up to the 'light' of your conscious mind and awareness. What lies hidden in the dark needs to be brought up to the light of day so you can see why you're sabotaging yourself and you can truly start to change this. Poking around in the dark ain't gonna get you nowhere. Your whole thread is testament of this (because, let's be straight here; it's about bringing the right man into your life, the rest is just 'decoration').

It's not always pleasant but then again you gotta ask yourself: "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

Cut your losses, and get down to weeding out what doesn't help you. It's all there but you gotta work on yourself. There' no free ride to paradise, no matter what the LoA tells you. That's nonsense. The real work is inward. It's not just about putting it out there, hoping for the best but manifesting 'just so', 'luke-warm'...

I've said in another thread that I much rather prefer calling it the the Law of Resonance because you're always resonating (vibrating) at a specific frequency, emitting signals (like a radio-station), and whatever is stronger will manifest. So, in a nutshell, that's the answer to your issues with men. You're emitting mixed signals and it shows. You gotta fine-tune that frequency luv', and you'll be just fine. But you gotta work on that frequency, capice?

Good luck.

And, for God's sakes - take your time. There's no rush, you know? You have all the time in the world to find the right man. But you gotta start with yourself first.

[danas]

Let's keep it simple, shall we?

OK. What do you REALLY want?


Seems to me you're conflicted between wanting to be with a man and at the same time seeing yourself as an 'independent, wonderful, great person' to hang out with. I'm not saying you are not, but it doesn't 'gel'...and thus, it doesn't 'manifest' in real life for you. D'you know what I mean?

What I want is to have lots of good friends around, doing the work I do and loving every second of it, having abundance to not think twice about having whatever I fancy, while sharing my life with a loving partner.

Thats it.
The first half I have. A career I love that satisfies me, financial abundance, recognition, having friends I love, as well as practicing spiritual work. Also I have good relationships with parents. I didnt always, but now I do.
I dont mind if it doesnt "gel" for you, because Im the one living it .

You're sending out mixed messages. You're not in line with yourself - and yes, the fact you're confused (and, dare I say so, inconsistent in your behaviour - where's your head after you've been to bed with a man? Did it get lost somewhere? I'm just asking you, you don't have to answer me - it's for you to ask yourself what you're doing. Because you have to live with the consequences of your own f-ups, if you know what I mean) shows up in your life as men that behave contradictorily.

You're creating your own headaches by not being clear with yourself. That's what's really coming over here...

Well yes. If my goal is to be in a relationship that lasts I should probably take it more slow and stay away from unavailable men as a start. agreed.

Where does it come from? You have to start digging into your past - why?

Do you really think I never did?

But actually right now, instead of trying so hard to change who I am. I am going to accept myself just as I am. Yes, Im needy. Yes, Im intense.
Not always, but sure, no doubt I am.

We attract our parents. I'm not kidding.

Of course. I agree. and I made a great choice of them.

When we are not aware of our own childhood issues, we repeat the patterns that we have been 'taught' as 'role models' (this is not to be taken literally, it is to merely understand that this is all you know - and because it is familiar, it feels 'good' to you, even if it hinders and damages your prospects of being happy in a relationship).

So, as an example, if your mother was constantly running after your dad (even if he was not in the house - in case the marriage broke up), you're copying your mother's way of behaving towards men.

If your father was 'weak' (i.e., he was unable to deal with a woman's natural needs and just fulfill them 'satisfactorily'), you'd have a tendency to 'fall' for men who can't give you what you need - unconsciously you repeat what you know even if it makes you unhappy. D'you understand what I'm getting at?

My mom actually left my dad for another man. And my dad was always a strong man. And after my parents divorced, sure he was sad, but soon after attracted many amazing women who were crazy about him.
They are both happily remarried

The irony, is that the more you want somebody, the more pressure you exert on yourself and the poor man (sorry luv' it's not meant in a negative fashion, just being real, ya know?) is doing what he can to back off and get out of the 'situation'. Yes, you were patient to wait until you got intimate with the guy, but it's after you'd been with him, that the switch 'flipped' and your brain went shopping (so-to-speak!).

Yup. thats what happened. Although, there are other factors here.
Basically he is a student that lives in a small European town. I live in NY. For him to leave his studies, his town, his language to a huge place like NYC is a huge step, which I understand, he is scared to make for someone he has spent only 1 month with. Not to mention the fact that hes broke. So logically I should ask myself why my expectations were so high. They werent really, than why am I sad? Because its not everyday that I feel so connected. I feel a loss.

So, my suggestion would be to really do some serious soul-searching (turning inward...) in to your childhood and get to grips with why you do something that doesn't seem to make any sense if, what you're saying, is true (you're a great person, you're funny, you're talented, you're smart, you're independent, you're true to yourself).

Point is, you gotta live it. No point waffling about it on a forum (not tying to be hard on you just giving you a push in the direction that actually gives you kick-start to make it real rather than just 'talk' about it).

So, there's some homework waiting for you, luv. You know where to start and you already have the answers, but you gotta be honest with yourself first. Completely straight - no more pep-talk. Just real. And bring it up to the 'light' of your conscious mind and awareness. What lies hidden in the dark needs to be brought up to the light of day so you can see why you're sabotaging yourself and you can truly start to change this. Poking around in the dark ain't gonna get you nowhere. Your whole thread is testament of this (because, let's be straight here; it's about bringing the right man into your life, the rest is just 'decoration').

It's not always pleasant but then again you gotta ask yourself: "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

Cut your losses, and get down to weeding out what doesn't help you. It's all there but you gotta work on yourself. There' no free ride to paradise, no matter what the LoA tells you. That's nonsense. The real work is inward. It's not just about putting it out there, hoping for the best but manifesting 'just so', 'luke-warm'...

I've said in another thread that I much rather prefer calling it the the Law of Resonance because you're always resonating (vibrating) at a specific frequency, emitting signals (like a radio-station), and whatever is stronger will manifest. So, in a nutshell, that's the answer to your issues with men. You're emitting mixed signals and it shows. You gotta fine-tune that frequency luv', and you'll be just fine. But you gotta work on that frequency, capice?

Dear seahorse Ive done so much soul searching for my 38 years.
NLP, EFT, Time techniques, Psychology, Byron Katie, Kabbabla, vipassana, etc etc.... all pretty thoroughly. And they were all very helpful in their own ways, but maybe not enough. you cannot spend your whole life trying to understand your childhood. Or maybe you can, but I dont know what this means anymore. Its abstract.

Im actually learning to accept my flaws. I've always been really hard on myself, and beat myself up, and hurt myself for not being perfect, but now I wanna learn to accept myself. Being needy doesnt mean Im worthless.
I feel like I spent years being so afraid of my own neediness so I kept my heart closed. I was heartbroken at 21 and cried so much in one year, that I hadnt cried again until I was 32. My biggest fear was to be vulnerable again, or express neediness.
But I am. My center now is stronger than it was at 21, but still I am needy. So is my happily married sister BTW.

And, for God's sakes - take your time. There's no rush, you know? You have all the time in the world to find the right man. But you gotta start with yourself first.

Yes, time. Im 38. I intend to have a family.

[danas]

One thing Im glad about is that Im not letting myself fall into depression.
Despite all the emotions Im going through. I dreamt of tsunamis last night.

Last night I was invited to an amazing dinner. Wonderful food and company. 3 couples, all happily married. It was good to see, very mature relationships.

Today was beautiful. I met a new girlfriend I met here and we went on a long walk on the beach. Our conversation went very deep fast. I told her things Ive rarely shared with anyone. She was really a good friend. Very accepting, which is what I need now.
And the ocean was beautiful and stormy.

Also before I leave to NYC I've been invited to spend 3 weeks in a 5 start hotel in a warm country and to finish some projects as well as spend time with loved ones. This will give me time to reflect, I hope.

[Seahorse]

Originally Posted by danas

Dear seahorse Ive done so much soul searching for my 38 years. NLP, EFT, Time techniques, Psychology, Byron Katie, Kabbabla, vipassana, etc etc.... all pretty thoroughly. And they were all very helpful in their own ways, but maybe not enough. you cannot spend your whole life trying to understand your childhood. Or maybe you can, but I dont know what this means anymore. Its abstract.

It's 'work' all right but obviously not the real kind of work. What I'm trying to get at is, that you're in a (and forgive me, I don't mean to step on your toes here - I have been through this myself and I've come out of it so maybe I feel I am in a different position to give you some input that you may not want to see...or clear up some blinds spots that seem to keep you from coming full circle) kind of mid-life crisis and you feel time is running out...

The real work (or 'solutions', because that's what I feel you really are looking for), is not based in new age stuff (I'm serious). I've done the whole rounds and they have not gotten me as far as genuine, solid psychotherapy as well as deep soul-work, and healing.

I have distanced myself considerably from too much of that. Vipassana is all too mind-based, as is most of the new age 'mental' stuff that ignores the most important part of you - especially being an artist: your soul's yearning - your heart's desire. You say you 'have to accept' who you are but you sound as if you need healing rather than 'just' accepting your 'state' of being desperate.

You haven't healed your previous hurt and that's what's making you 'replay' in different ways the scenarios in varying degrees of 'intensity'. When you spent a whole year crying - did you feel at the end of it that you just stopped because you were exhausted or because you felt you had cried all your pain out? I feel it is the former. You have not healed at all. That's why all this stuff you mention above, is so 'abstract' to you. It doesn't make any sense on an emotional level.

Coz' the pain is still there.

You have to heal your pain, not 'accept' your "fate" that you create unhappy situations for yourself. And I'll tell that you will not find the healing in 'new age babble' or meditation work. I've done the same mistakes and I know what I'm talking about and I can tell you, it will never 'resolve' that pain or the hurt because it's still 'colouring' your choices and decisions.

And rather than shutting yourself off (closing your heart) you have to heal your heart, not your mind. Do you understand?

As long as you feel an inner void, you will keep recreating this pain on different levels, in different forms. I am not one to make you do something that is against your grain, but I feel that what would help you more than any new age stuff or even the very flawed 'LoA', is soul-retrieval. It's a shamanic healing method that helps you reconnect lost parts of your soul and merges and mends parts of yourself you feel you might have lost a long time ago (I'm older than you, so...again...I'm a few steps ahead of you).

When we go through a traumatic experience, a part of our soul is cut off and 'flees' in order for our 'normal' selves to keep functioning. But on an inner level, you feel hollow and devoid of true joy. 'Something' is always missing even if you can't put the finger on it.

There are excellent healers that do soul retrieval work for you. But you have to be willing to first acknowledge that you're just in pain and suffering (in spite of your proclamations to the contrary). This young man just mirrored something very important to you: your fear of intimacy is in direct connection to the traumatic event that crushed you when you were 21 years old. At least, that's what I'm intuiting.

This lady is very good in explaining what soul retrieval is: Sandra Ingerman

When the soul is split, nothing can seem to heal or 'repair' it. There's a constant ache, sometimes weak, sometimes strong but it doesn't just "go away" with nice affirmations....

Shamanic work goes much deeper than any meditative work I've ever done or even all the other new age 'tips' because it looks at the whole of you, not just your 'head'. It also works with emotional and energetic blocks that you do not know you may have accumulated from other people and also, from your own unresolved past experiences. In combination with psychotherapy (which helps to keep you grounded and focused on true inner work), you can truly begin the healing you need in order to reconnect with that which you lost when you were still unable to deal with that situation. I also intuit and feel that it would be very good for you to work with women rather than with men. It will help you better in redefining your own issues with men better than if you'd be having a male counselor (the risk of you falling for him...just seems too obvious to me, what with your tendency to fall for unavailable men).

This is just for you to look at, but Osho Humaniversity is excellent in working with body energy, release work (pent up anger, pain, anything that blocks your emotional energies). It challenges you in ways that no new age stuff ever will because it's extremely physical - meditation in action.

Home - Osho Humaniversity

There are centres in the US, too, but you'd need to look it up. When it feels right for you, I would definitely incorporate more of the physical (our cells store pain as 'memory' in our energetic, physical field) because it helps you to release blockages that meditation or 'mental work' will never be able to achieve because it remains all in your 'head'.

Originally Posted by danas

Im actually learning to accept my flaws. I've always been really hard on myself, and beat myself up, and hurt myself for not being perfect, but now I wanna learn to accept myself. Being needy doesnt mean Im worthless.

I never said anywhere that you're worthless. But being needy is not healthy (children are needy but you're an adult - at least on the physical plane - if not on an emotional level). And you know that. Because it doesn't make you happy. It's as simple as that.

Originally Posted by danas

I feel like I spent years being so afraid of my own neediness so I kept my heart closed. I was heartbroken at 21 and cried so much in one year, that I hadnt cried again until I was 32. My biggest fear was to be vulnerable again, or express neediness. But I am. My center now is stronger than it was at 21, but still I am needy. So is my happily married sister BTW.

My gut feeling tells me that you need to learn to get your 'needs' fulfilled not just from a 'man' but maybe divert this neediness to voluntary work. Working with animals can be extremely gratifying as well. Working with other people (say, as a volunteer with children or the elderly) can be a true source of fulfillment and can bring you to an awareness that maybe it's not good for you to concentrate your source of 'happiness' onto a sole human being that happens to be your partner in life.

D'you know what I mean?

In other words: diversify your 'sources'. Get your (emotional) needs fulfilled from more than just one person. And learn to nurture yourself properly on an emotional level. In order for your life to change you have to go through the process, not excuse yourself from it. You're cheating yourself, not anyone else.

Originally Posted by danas

Yes, time. Im 38. I intend to have a family.

These days you can have a family still in your early forties. It's better to be in a good place and only then start a family rather than jump into it and have the children suffer (...) because you just didn't "want to wait" any longer.

You're not doing yourself a favour - nor the kids that you intend to have... An emotionally overbearing and needy mother is the worst thing a child has to put up with. It's not healthy.

It's about balance, danas. Really. First you have to heal yourself.

After that, you can consider having a family.

But don't saddle the horse from behind. It's bound to backfire.

You need to become balanced before you have a family not expect having a family resolve your emotional issues.

[danas]

@ Seahorse, I really do appreciate the time youve given to write all this.
Its helpful. Its helpful because it puts a spot light and its good to get some outside feedback.
That said, I dont agree with all you say.
I do agree I have unresolved isuues, and havent healed all my pain from that relationship that ended back in 1995.

I knew this when I met the student. I knew hes connected to that previous love, they have a similar unique look, and the other guy was also 27 when we broke up so many years ago.
I knew this and decided to take a course on this with Katherine Woodward about healing past break ups. I got an email about this course 10 days ago.
And I knew immediately that I wanna do it.

I do not think Im as needy as you may think I am. Sleeping with a guy after 8 dates isnt needy, its natural. especially if you both felt a strong bond after the first time you met and spoke about it extensively.

I just remembered two other therapies I did for a year, twice a week.
I usually try everything that people recommend and this is why Ive experienced a wide range of therapies and healing techniques. So Im just as opened to try what you recommend.

Although I must say, all the people I know who have done extensive long term psychotherapy are far from where they wanna be.
Still needy and single and angry and close to 50 years old (And now they are mostly no longer in my life, bc it dragged me down just to hang out with them).
They are the ones who so passionately recommend psychotherapy to me
I think psychotherapy is good for finding someone to blame. Or understanding in the mind what the source of your pain is. Which is important, but only to an extent.

Sure, my mom left me when I was 15 and moved to the other side of the world with another man and called once a year, usually on my birthday...
So yeah she may be to blame for my abandonment issues.
But nowadays our relationship has completely shifted after so many years of anger and pain. Now we are like best friends cracking up on the phone, staying with her long weekends, taking long walks with the dogs... sharing and accepting. Who do you think initiated this change?

Interestingly enough the 3 friends who have gone through so many years of psychotherapy all still hate their mothers.

So what you call the "new age" stuff is what really gave me the power to leave much of my victim-hood behind and fill my heart with love.

The time before last, that I saw the guy, the student, he walked me home and for 30 min kissed me goodbye downstairs in the lobby. I was ready to go up but he wanted more kissing, I think all the neighbors saw us cause it was the hour where people were coming home.

Then we didnt see each other for 2 days (after spending 3 days consecutive 10 hour days together) and then he came by briefly, on his way out of town, to give me something I forgot at his place. Thats when he was suddenly doubting the future of our relationship. He's been out of town since.

Its a problematic from the start bc we knew I would leave soon, I think thats why things were so intense and unbalanced, it was with a lingering deadline.

I feel good about it all now. I dont mind if I dont see him again, or if I do. I would love it to continue, but Im also OK if it wont.

During my last "therapy", which was Time Techniques, which was really quite helpful, We came to the conclusion that I keep saying "It wont work" about the relationships Im in, and then I just cut all contact with the guy.
Which was just what I was about to do again....

She suggested that instead I say "Its working".
And really, why should I decide now that its over? maybe it could work. Why not? It felt good and was mutual.
Until now I didnt take seriously the thought of this actually working. but as my friend yesterday told me, it might, it could...
Why do I have to end it if I dont really want that. I can keep things more open.
Not sit and wait for him, but not firmly shut that door either.
I think, if I get the chance to see him again, I will tell him that. That Im open to giving this a chance, at a slower pace. More sane pace.


Other good things happened today.
I decided I wanted to donate some money to an institution here. So I was riding my bike on my way to meet the rep, who I met previously.
Just then I got a call that the city would like to purchase my work! For 10 times the amount I was going to donate!

People sometimes PM me here asking me about manifesting money- So I will tell you, as Ive written before on these forums, If you want to manifest money, you have to give some away, simply bc when you do, your in an abundance mindset.

My friend was laughing at me yesterday because she knew I wanted to donate ( cause this rep called when she was with me), and also that finally I decided to pay the student (my guy), we were laughing that before I leave this place Im giving away all my money.
But I said that I felt so much love in this town that I wanna give some back.
And just when I did, I received more!

Also had a successful work meeting and just got an email from a magazine across the world wanting to interview me...

[Seahorse]

Danas, I had to laugh when I read this:

Although I must say, all the people I know who have done extensive long term psychotherapy are far from where they wanna be.
Still needy and single and angry and close to 50 years old (And now they are mostly no longer in my life, bc it dragged me down just to hang out with them).
They are the ones who so passionately recommend psychotherapy to me
I think psychotherapy is good for finding someone to blame. Or understanding in the mind what the source of your pain is. Which is important, but only to an extent.

That's just bollocks. It depends on what you do with each thing you learn as you progress. If I were as angry and hateful as you seem to think everybody is who considers doing therapy, then they've not gotten a good therapist or counselor. And, they also haven't learned to own their part in their life's drama.

So, this is for you to drop that prejudice, yes?

Resisting owning one's part (i.e., taking responsibility for your issues) makes it obvious that blaming someone else for their miserable life seems the 'solution'. Of course they'll get stuck in their anger but that's not a great place to be.

That's why I feel the physical part is a hugely important factor in clearing out emotional and energetic blocks. Emotions that have no outlet create passive-aggressive vortexes that, if not cared for properly, turn into a physical illness ('manifestation'), depression or other self-destructive tendencies like drug-abuse. Most people in the Western world can't face up to the power of their anger - because it is 'not cool' to be pissed. As is, beneath the anger lies pain. Pain of not having been seen, pain of being ignored, pain of having one's boundaries violated.

And speaking of which, people in the new age circles have a serious problem dealing with pain and anger full-frontal. It freaks them out because these emotions are undeniably very powerful and can be very destructive if not dealt with and channelled in a constructive, more life-affirming fashion. The very need to 'suppress' pain and anger makes it worse and fuels the self-destructive energetic vortex. Tapping into it and not shying away from it takes courage - especially as a woman.

It can be extremely self-empowering to get in touch with and let one's anger out. It's very, very liberating, provided one does not stay in that energy. But I would never have gotten rid of my fury if it wouldn't have been for the very physically daunting 'Tourist program' I did with Osho in Holland. It's not for the weak-kneed and lame ducks but it really brings stuff up that no therapy (including psychotherapy) or new age stuff ever did.

Me thinks that you must have been furious at your mother for leaving the family and house and just go after her own urges (I can hear you go - at that age: 'Selfish b*tch! How dare she?!? How can she do this to us, to me? What have I done to deserve this?!?').

So, that's just me intuiting where you come from and why there are still abandonment issues popping up when it becomes more intimate. Don't dismiss psychotherapy just because some of your former friends didn't know what to do with it. That's flippant and not respecting other people's positive results they've gained from working with good psychotherapists as well as their willingness to change.

And don't overrate new age pep-talk because it might have been what worked 'best' for you... We are all different and we change and so do our needs as we evolve. Nothing ever stays static - if it were, we'd not grow. Everything can help us if we allow for it and trust that it can bring us insights, awareness and a better self-understanding. In the end, it comes down to applying and integrating what we've learned in order for own lives to reflect that new-found knowledge.

We are our own worst enemies. There's no-one else doing it to us.

Your life seems to be swinging along nicely, so that's good. And it's good you've relaxed about this young man. You don't need the headache. Enjoy it for it was, appreciate it and whatever will happen, will happen.

Sometimes these episodes just show us that we are still 'alive' and vibrant and that there can be a bond but it doesn't mean it's a lifelong bond. It just shows you what is possible without any further 'follow-ups'.

That, too, is a great gift. Other than that, I do feel that the shamanic path might have more to offer you than you can even begin to know as yet. Artists have a natural inclination towards it because it works with your unconscious, your 'soup' of emotions and feelings and creative potential.

If you ever have seen pictures by Alex Grey, you know what mean.

Unbelievable. I love his work.

Well, danas, I think you're doing ok. You know what to do and for the rest, you'll be led to what you need to sort out when you're ready.

Good luck in your future endeavours.

[danas]

@seahorse
Thanks. You have helped me more then you may know.
Not bc I will now go to psychotherapy but just bc you pointed out some stuff, and reinforced what I knew was blocking me.

Ive been feeling really cheerful, which is weird.
The student left town on Saturday and I havent heard from him since.
I had lunch today with a new friend and this guy reminded me of the student cause they have the same accent, and yeah, I was slightly sad, but also happy, grateful to have experienced the whole thing

For me this was an incredible experience! I am trying to manifest a reality that I long forgot what it felt like. You cannot manifest what you cannot imagine.
I hadnt experienced such a strong mutual connection, full of love, communication(even with our limited mutual vocabulary) respect, curiousity, attraction for so long! Years and years! I didnt know what that felt like anymore. Only 2 months ago I looked at a loving couple on a train and cried bc I felt what they had was impossible for me. Today it seems not only possible, but likely. Because I had it here. With such a wonderful kind hearted guy. He courted me and made me feel so loved and beautiful. So deserving of love. thats priceless.

I do not know whether Ill ever see him again, but he installed a very good experience in my heart.

Yes, I have issues to deal with.
And the most important one being : RELAX!
Yes, I need to just relax. Im in no rush even if Im 38. I trust I will have the family I long for in the right time.
Take things SLOW. Not to rush like crazy to the finish line.
Which only makes me desperate.
Seahorse thanks for showing me that I was behaving this way...

I may even tell the student, that if he ever does come to NY, I want him to come as a friend, a person Im getting to know, not as my boyfriend. We arent there yet, even though physically we were. It feels unbalanced. Of course he got scared I told him come to NY and we'll have 2 babies.
Of course he got scared, I would too.

And yes, theres a lot of healing for me to do as well.
I singned up for a 5 week course on Releasing the
Trauma of a Break Up, that I shouldve done 16 years ago.

I feel OK. Hopeful and peaceful.

[Seahorse]

Danas, can you just accept that you can't do it all on your own...?

It's just a suggestion to allow for others to actually help you heal rather than trying to do it with just another course...d'you know what I mean?

Yes, I am taking your independence into account, but I also sense resistance of you not wanting somebody more knowledgeable (!) and actually skilled, to help you with what you can't "see"... And I'm talking about energetic blocks that even with the best of 'intentions' you wouldn't recognise even if you tried because shamans truly have a different ability to 'see'; not just your blocks but also other people's "psychic attachments" to your energetic body. And sometimes, these attachments cannot be undone just by your own 'willingness'.

Really, I've worked with shamanism for the last six years and if there's one thing I learned it's that on some levels you can't do it on your own... In spite of your 'mind' telling you differently and making you "think" you know better....

You don't. That's all I can tell you.

There's a reason I mentioned shamanic healing to you. Because if I can 'see' where your blockages are (not knowing you), what do you think, a shaman, a true healer can achieve in just one session?

'Invest' your money wisely...and, you can condense time. Did you know that? Squeeze it. Use your time smartly.

Also, as to this student, leave it be. Just leave it. You're still investing on in indirect level...let it go... Free yourself.. Walk away from your past. For real.

And get down to the real priority: healing yourself.

And to not stop until you feel you've truly turned a corner. It's not all going to be 'happy, clappy, easy, peasy, lemon squeezy'.

That's the biggest difference between the waffling of 'Byron Katie, Eckehard Tolle (urgh!), Vipassana meditation' until your eyes pop out or you're blue in the face, and all the rest of it. Not to mention NLP. These techniques don't go anywhere deep enough.

And no, they don't and won't "heal" you. They just work with your head. That's all.

Healing goes right into centre of your soul. The centre of your Beingness. Your Spirit. Your humanity.

Healing is no cakewalk. If you do it properly. But the rewards are 10 fold of everything put together that you've ever done. I am not kidding. I absolutely mean that. All the stuff you've done, is nice and well but it didn't sort out your deepest issues. That's why.

I told you already, I had the same 'problems'. All that stuff left me wanting. It couldn't alleviate what I felt was just 'not right'.

Your commitment to your own healing is in direct line and proportion to the results you will get out of it. When I decided to heal, it wasn't easy. Goodness gracious, it was hard. And painful. And also, very ugly at times. So you'd better be ready for some very rough patches. But you will be better off after. And that can take years, luv'. It ain't gonna happen in five weeks.

The pain and agony will not subside or dissolve by 'thinking it away' or "affirming" it to be different. That's a cop-out. And cheap and cheating on yourself.

Allow for those who know what they're doing, to help you. Accept true vulnerability instead of neediness.

Do you understand the difference?

And trust that you will be lead to the right people. I don't feel this course is the right path for you... Just a gut feeling... You need the real thing - deep tissue release and cleansing as well as cutting some unhealthy psychic links so you become truly free from your past.

Also, trauma therapy might be a better idea than 'releasing trauma from a break-up' workshop... I intuit that the real reason and root of your trauma lies elsewhere than just that relationship... Something going farther back into your youth and childhood.

The relationship re-inforced that experience. Real trauma therapy is "sweat 'n blood". Just so you know. But it's either that or a life-long 'not being happy' in a "less than the best" kind of relationship.

Choose wisely. Not impatiently - 'in a hurry'. Ok?

Remember to not rush through your healing.

[danas]

Originally Posted by Seahorse

Danas, can you just accept that you can't do it all on your own...?

It's just a suggestion to allow for others to actually help you heal rather than trying to do it with just another course...d'you know what I mean?

Yes, I am taking your independence into account, but I also sense resistance of you not wanting somebody more knowledgeable (!) and actually skilled, to help you with what you can't "see"... And I'm talking about energetic blocks that even with the best of 'intentions' you wouldn't recognise even if you tried because shamans truly have a different ability to 'see'; not just your blocks but also other people's "psychic attachments" to your energetic body. And sometimes, these attachments cannot be undone just by your own 'willingness'.

Really, I've worked with shamanism for the last six years and if there's one thing I learned it's that on some levels you can't do it on your own... In spite of your 'mind' telling you differently and making you "think" you know better....

You don't. That's all I can tell you.

There's a reason I mentioned shamanic healing to you. Because if I can 'see' where your blockages are (not knowing you), what do you think, a shaman, a true healer can achieve in just one session?

'Invest' your money wisely...and, you can condense time. Did you know that? Squeeze it. Use your time smartly.

Also, as to this student, leave it be. Just leave it. You're still investing on in indirect level...let it go... Free yourself.. Walk away from your past. For real.

And get down to the real priority: healing yourself.

And to not stop until you feel you've truly turned a corner. It's not all going to be 'happy, clappy, easy, peasy, lemon squeezy'.

That's the biggest difference between the waffling of 'Byron Katie, Eckehard Tolle (urgh!), Vipassana meditation' until your eyes pop out or you're blue in the face, and all the rest of it. Not to mention NLP. These techniques don't go anywhere deep enough.

And no, they don't and won't "heal" you. They just work with your head. That's all.

Healing goes right into centre of your soul. The centre of your Beingness. Your Spirit. Your humanity.

Healing is no cakewalk. If you do it properly. But the rewards are 10 fold of everything put together that you've ever done. I am not kidding. I absolutely mean that. All the stuff you've done, is nice and well but it didn't sort out your deepest issues. That's why.

I told you already, I had the same 'problems'. All that stuff left me wanting. It couldn't alleviate what I felt was just 'not right'.

Your commitment to your own healing is in direct line and proportion to the results you will get out of it. When I decided to heal, it wasn't easy. Goodness gracious, it was hard. And painful. And also, very ugly at times. So you'd better be ready for some very rough patches. But you will be better off after. And that can take years, luv'. It ain't gonna happen in five weeks.

The pain and agony will not subside or dissolve by 'thinking it away' or "affirming" it to be different. That's a cop-out. And cheap and cheating on yourself.

Allow for those who know what they're doing, to help you. Accept true vulnerability instead of neediness.

Do you understand the difference?

And trust that you will be lead to the right people. I don't feel this course is the right path for you... Just a gut feeling... You need the real thing - deep tissue release and cleansing as well as cutting some unhealthy psychic links so you become truly free from your past.

Also, trauma therapy might be a better idea than 'releasing trauma from a break-up' workshop... I intuit that the real reason and root of your trauma lies elsewhere than just that relationship... Something going farther back into your youth and childhood.

The relationship re-inforced that experience. Real trauma therapy is "sweat 'n blood". Just so you know. But it's either that or a life-long 'not being happy' in a "less than the best" kind of relationship.

Choose wisely. Not impatiently - 'in a hurry'. Ok?

Remember to not rush through your healing.

Why do you think I think I do it all on my own?
Ive worked intensely one on one with several practioners
With one I worked twice a week for a year
With another twice a week for 2 years,
and with another I did 15 sessions, 3.5 hours each.
And also had 3 sessions with another practioner
All women btw

You assume a lot of things without knowing me,
No, Im not perfect but I'm not quite the lost soul you seem to think I am....

I just dont talk about it so much.... I take the tools I learn and use them. Not talk about them.
I am not the same person I was when I started my journey.
I have healed so many aspects of myself.

Ive gone through more in my 38 years than people do in a lifetime. But no, the journeys not done, nor is the work....

I totally agree I have a lot of healing to do, but I also dont believe I must be alone until then. My who life I suspect I will be healing...

[danas]

Originally Posted by Seahorse

There's a reason I mentioned shamanic healing to you. Because if I can 'see' where your blockages are (not knowing you), what do you think, a shaman, a true healer can achieve in just one session?

'Invest' your money wisely...and, you can condense time. Did you know that? Squeeze it. Use your time smartly.

Also, as to this student, leave it be. Just leave it. You're still investing on in indirect level...let it go... Free yourself.. Walk away from your past. For real.

And get down to the real priority: healing yourself.

Well, I will look into this shamanic healing. I once met a real Shaman. Not a western one, one that lives in the mongolian steppe (where i met him). He actually made it rain. And healed financial blockages.
BTW do you realize you just assumed that all the practitioners Ive worked with are unskilled? Even though I worked with them intensely one on one for so many sessions... Thats kind of funny thing to assume about someone you barely know. I suspet you are seeing a lot of your "old self" in my posts, and therefore feel a need to "save me". I appreciate it, but I may not be as similar to you as you think.

Now about the student.
He called and said he wanted to come by. He did. It was really good for me. WOW!!
I suggested we go for a walk. At first he was distant and cold like he was the previous time. We took a long walk on the beach and then sat in a cafe and talked.
Usually if a guy is cold and distant- I assume it to be "the end" and I feel upset and abandoned, but this time was different. I reminded myself I have more power than I think. I also kept saying- this is working, instead of "It wont/cant work" .

I was connected to myself but also connecting to him. Slowly he opened up.... I told him everything, that I think it was a mistake to go so fast, that if he does come to NY itll be as a friend Im getting to know and not as my bf. That we just should take it easy....He opened up and shared his feelings too.
And then we kissed and kissed again.... it felt good. It felt amazing!
He said through me he learned a lot about what it means to love. He said it was a new kind of love.
yes, maybe he will come to NY. But even if he doesnt, it feels wonderful to have had this experience. I dont even know if he is the one for me. There are lots of differences. But Im opened to it. I told him that Im openned to getting to know him more if he is open to that too.
It was really really a sweet goodbye. With smiles instead of tears...

[danas]

Looking back I did manifest my new reality! No, maybe it didnt stick completely just yet, but for the last month Ive been living the reality I intended for myself at the begining of this thread.

For the past month Ive been creating like crazy, while feeling like my work is really desired.
Great things have been happening with my career
I was romantically involved with a guy I really like. Love. And it was mutual.
A sweet caring honest, communicative, adventurous sexy artistic guy, who went out of the way to make me happy.
Plus it was all happening while we were living by the beautiful ocean.

hmmm.... When I arrived here, to this small town where I didnt know a soul, I was doubtful about being here, I wanted to escape actually.
So to calm myself down I wrote down my reality as I wanted it to be here. I re read it last night. Amazing! I wrote that I meet someone, that I fall in love and we go on long trips. I wrote that I make amazing art works, I wrote that theres media attention, i wrote that I make money by selling my work, and i even wrote that I make some new girl friends and that I learn the language. (I now speak it! far from fluent but even my teachers were surprised at my progress)
wow.