Starting out, and Starting Over.

[delias]

OKAY. This has been a really wild, confusing ride. I have had so many different concepts of reality and so much information coming at me from different sources over the past few months.

I have spent most of my life believing I had no power to create or live the life I wanted or have the things I wanted. I lived most of my life in black despair and suicidality.

Then somehow I started 'waking up'. I looked back and could see for the most part how what I was believing and imagining and feeling created my experiences. Then I started reading more about this:
Ask And It Is Given
Numerous Threads on This Site
Numerous Articles On This Site
The Power of Imagation
Subjective Reality

Looking for 'proof' that this wake-up call was true. Then I sort of swung too far to the other side, trying to 'make it happen', by going full force and trying to apply all of this stuff. But it seemed to stress me out. I focused a lot on the future, and when I tried to apply the principles I felt a sense of urgency and stress with them. Perhaps trying too hard.

So now I have all this information, and I feel as if I'm not even sure where to start with applying it all. I have books, articles, courses, all sorts of things packed with information and processes on creating the life of your dreams. Woah. How do you know which one to use? So I thought, we have just had this massive earthquake here in New Zealand. What is the first thing that you do after that?

1) Assess the Damage
So I know most of the damage. I know how miserable I have been and how unpleasant my life has been and what I've been through as a result. With the earthquake, many things had to be 'fixed', but really I don't need to be 'fixed', so I can skip that stage I think. I'm not like a broken pipe. I don't need to dig to fix anything. So step 1 complete, and I really don't think I need to focus too much on the damage. If there is something I want to grieve later I can, but I don't have to go digging for unpleasant things to let go of them.
2) Clean Up The Mess
The next thing we started doing here was clean up the mess. The condemned buildings, the bricks and pieces of concrete lying in the roads, the sand, mud, and soil that had liquified and come up out of the earth as a result. So this is exactly where I need to be here, and just as we had to do this with the aftermath of the earthquake, I need to do this with myself and my life. Cleaning myself up. Cleaning up my emotions, my daily habits, my routines. Gradually, each day. Clean it up. Do everything I can think of to just feel better, in a way that feels good to me. And just practice this 'cleaning up' process every day until it becomes a way of life for me. I will surrender to the cleaning up process and just accept that before I can build in a truly effective way, I need to clean up.
3) Start Rebuilding
Once I am feeling better on a regular, consistent basis, I can start adding in the process of building. Trying to build when it feels messy, disorganized, and uncertain as to what process or technique to use to build, only puts pressure on me and is counter-productive. I can ease the pressure on myself because I have lots of time to do this. Just as we can't rebuild our city's infrastructure on top of a big mess, I can't build the life I want without a clean and clear foundation of being.