|09-14-2010, 04:20 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Sep 2009
They say what you resist persists, and after having a lil temper tantum I had to stop and look at what I seem to be resisting.
Appearently I'm a leader.
I had been a lil unhappy with my enviroment, I felt I had changed. In trying to figure out what it was I felt I lost, I've turned internally and started toying with the idea of polarization agian (I am darkworker polarized, I know becuase I was the type that did what I wanted and brought people along for the ride becuase I didn't want to do it alone.)
Since I have turned internally and started focusing more on me agian rather than compromising for the benefit of the group, people's complaints agianst me have launched massively.
It has frustrated me greatly. Why? Becuase I am an acceptor.
I see people as they are and accept them. If I have a need from you, rather than force you into a changing/conforming situation, I'd try and focus on who you are comfortable being. I found it's just easier, and as I'm going threw this uneasy time for me, that's all I'd really like from people. It's all I've ever expected from people. Accept me as I am, day by day.
My frustration (today) comes from:
My coworkers - They want me to be boss (but I am a part-time sub-contractor, who is uncertain of staying in this industry becuase it's affecting my health, and in my mind I am still missing 2 major qualifications to do the job PROPERLY). They say my overall sense is better at leading our department.
My boyfriend's mom - After several years of what I considered a "good" relationship with her, tell's my man that I'm not the right woman for him becuase I don't push him hard enough. Soo I guess my man is a donkey that needs to be pulled, prodded and pushed. My question is: If I'm pushing him, aren't I essentially leading him into a direction I want him to go? So agian I must be the one in charge.
Lastly, my creative dreams - These scare me the most. A major part of my internal reflection is due to this. I have been plagued by this idea/concept. Years ago I experienced a major creative block and prayed/meditated for it to be released. When it did, it was in a different format from my usual creativity. Rather than be ungrateful, I started to work on it hoping that would lead to my other format. After starting, I had a friend who wanted something along those lines soo I went in full throttle. Since finishing, nothing has happened. So I've been pushing it for myself. Since I've been doing my own little baby steps in this direction, I've gotten more visuals during mediations. However, THEY SCARE THE BEJESUS OUTTA ME! Often, as I sit alllowing myself to be open to the energy that flows soo I can get this one project done, I am sometimes transported to a future time. There, an offshot of this project (something I thought would be extremely cool but a bit impossible, but if I could do it how sweet would it be!?!) is in full bloom and working. In this future time, I am in charge because it is my vision. I am organizing huge groups of people. There are lots of reporters asking me questions (which scared me becuase I have no desire to be well... famous or a celebrity, I would like to be able to put my stuff out there and make lots of money from it but without all the peskiness of fame).
I know for my creative dreams that I HAVE to be a leader.
But why am I resisting it soo much? Is this theme of leading all that it is? Am I really supposed to be taking on all these other leading positions?
The next question is ... since what you resist persists... does it make it even more likely to happen?
What are some of your greatest resistances?
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