Help/Insight needed please

[MOTHER]

Hello everyone, I am new here, and I could certainly use some insight
for my dilemma.
I am a spiritual person, always trying to help people, volunteering,
always always putting the needs of others in front of myself.
I draw people to me who need help...this I know and believe to be
my "calling" as it were. I have overcome much pain, and sadness and guilt
through my life experiences, especially when I am helping others.

I have been married to an Alcoholic for 20 years (not drinking for ten years)
who, at times, continues to be verbally abusive, and flies into jealous rages,
particularly over any of my male friendships.
I have been hurt badly by my husband, as I feel that my integrity has been
pounded over and over for years...
He SCREAMS, has shoved me into walls, called me filthy names, because
I have had to talk friends down during their own melt downs...
I am a friend to many, and feel that I deserve Happiness abundant!
I believe with all my heart that I can change the life I am living now, but here's my problem....
I cannot get past (yet) the feeling that I would make him SAD if I ever left him. Despite all the violence and pain he has imposed on my spirit,
I feel that to intentionally hurt another is MEAN.
I have looked at marriage...bonds...connections...had councelling sessions
I have read Wayne Dyer/ Emmet Fox...watched Dr. Phil
The Dalai Lama, Ghandi, Mother Teresa are all my idols....
but I have yet to see or read or hear anything which is helping me
to get what I want without looking first at the needs of other people.
I cannot find anything which addresses my inability to see my own life without it affecting/hurting others.
I have not been able to create a vision board...because I cannot (yet) even KNOW what I want for myself...
It has always been "What is best for everyone else?"
People pleasers often come from abusive childhoods,
and are often children of alcoholics, as am I.
I do know, through self discovery, that I am on the right path...that
my own willingness to change, is step one.
Can anyone here tell me how The Law of Attraction works within a marriage?
I have been unable to jump out of this marriage because of my people-pleasing attributes and I know it.....
that it would hurt my children and my husband...
that it would be unkind, and cause pain to others is unbearable to a people-pleaser like me.....
I have remained unhappy within my marriage for years...
If I could figure out a way to put me first, without feeling selfish.....
Please somebody out there, please find me another book to read, or another
website...I'm not getting it...but I am searching, ever searching for how to do it the "right" way.
Thank you, God Bless.

[Angela]

Hello, and welcome to the forums! I hope you have a wonderful time here.

Now: how would it be more selfish of you to do what's right for you and have your husband choose to be sad, than for you to resist doing what you know to do and have your husband choose to be jealous, angry, and violent?

If you're going to take on the responsibility for his emotional state, you'd rather he be FURIOUS and criminally violent than for him to simply be mopey?

[MOTHER]

thanks for your insight...very thought-provoking i must say!
I do know that I view his reaction as the insanity which comes from Alcoholism...Drinking or not, Alcoholics tend to over-react, and do so in anger, which most certainly is a sign of fear.
I have no control over his ANGER...
it pops up unexpectedly for little or no reason usually........
It rarely comes from something i have DONE
It just comes....I would never intentionally TRY to make him angry
as it is fearful to me!I am always trying to do the opposite.

...but I do feel that by asking for a divorce,
I would be a part of creating his SADNESS...I already know that he will be sad, and hurt...and yes probably angry...

knowingly hurting another would be the worst thing I could do...



Thoughts?

[Angela]

You do realize that you directly make other people feel sad and hurt by choosing that your well being is less important than others', right? You're also teaching your children by example to emulate you in the attitude that their well being is less important than others'.

So by focusing on not hurting others to the point where you hurt yourself, you're doing the worst thing you could do -- knowingly hurting another. It's a quandary, isn't it?

Except it's not, really -- a solution is available, if you're willing to shift your perspective to one of 100% responsibility, and being at cause in the matter of your life.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by MOTHER

I am a spiritual person, always trying to help people, volunteering, always always putting the needs of others in front of myself.

Then you are unkind. To yourself.

Remember - you are a human being too. Why do you treat this particular person - you - so shabbily? Why does her needs always come last?

[MOTHER]

Yes, I do believe that putting others first is a good thing,
which should be taught to the world...
I believe that the world as it exists today , could see a wonderful shift in consciousness if only people would pitch-in with their hearts!


Here is where i'm not clear...
What are the rules of The Law of Attraction when it comes to marriage?
My husband seems to know how to attract bad things...
finance issues/ temper issues...and it affects me because we are married, know what I mean?
If he were a single person, attracting debt, it wouldn't affect ME.
Maybe his attraction for trouble/stress is more powerful than
my need for simple things like peace and fun?
Is that possible??

I can see myself running off with a perfect mate, loving, kind, generous to others, spiritual...(Big Brown Eyes, Like George Clooney, by the way!) hahaha
but In my mind, it would be WRONG to want another spouse,
even under the circumstances...
I am already married.
It would be wrong, therefore I am unable to create it.


please, more...I am listening.....

[Angela]

Originally Posted by MOTHER

Maybe his attraction for trouble/stress is more powerful than
my need for simple things like peace and fun?
Is that possible??.

What's going on with the Law of Attraction here has nothing to do with what your husband is attracting.

Your attraction for trouble/stress is more powerful than your conscious desire for simple things like peace and fun.

By your assuming responsibility for his state, and your preference of the experience of *his* creating his anger over *your* creating his sadness, you are vibrating powerfully in resonance with trouble and stress. If your husband were to suddenly disappear, I don't think it would be a George Clooney type who would show up, but rather a guy very much like your husband. It's not them -- it's YOU.

If you want to change your reality, it's gonna take changing yourself -- otherwise the same ol' reality is going to keep showing up for you.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by MOTHER

Yes, I do believe that putting others first is a good thing,
which should be taught to the world...

So why do you ill-treat Mother?

Why do you allow her to be screamed at, shoved into walls etc? Again and again?

You must be a remarkably cruel person.

[MOTHER]

The best part of my world consists of helping and inspiring,
I am continually trying to improve my Love for others, and to pull others up.
but TRUE...I live in fear.....
For instance, I can have a great day, but in the back of my mind, I have to rush home to cook, or make sure the shoes are lined up, and the floor is swept because you just never know when he will snap.
The fear is based on experience, so I'm not sure how to
"feel" that he will not snap???
I am usually unaware that I have made him angry, because to me, it is mostly unreasonable alcoholic insanity.
.
I am willing to learn though...........
I am trying to understand how to think differently...
It is easier to think clearly when you have not been hit.
I suppose I have been very resentful, and I need to forgive deeper....

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by MOTHER

The best part of my world consists of helping and inspiring,

So ... Help Mother and inspire her.

[MOTHER]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

So why do you ill-treat Mother?

Why do you allow her to be screamed at, shoved into walls etc? Again and again?

You must be a remarkably cruel person.

Please tell me---How am I allowing it? Do you mean by not leaving?
Am I drawing it to me, when I draw so much goodness and happiness?
I have no control over an insane alcoholic...who he hits or who he screams at
is nothing i seem to be able to change?
By being nicer/kinder/more understanding/forgiving, i am not seeing results in my world.....with him...I see manifestations of Love all around me, but not THERE
The rest of my world is wonderful, but I feel chained because of my (unfixable?)marriage.
and to me, for the sake of his and my childrens happiness, I feel like the right thing to do is try to change ME, if it will help.

Thank-you for all your insights today by the way, much needed

[Angela]

Originally Posted by MOTHER

I feel like the right thing to do is try to change ME

What are you willing to change about yourself?

(Being more or better is not really changing, by the way. It's just more of the same.)

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by MOTHER

Please tell me---How am I allowing it? Do you mean by not leaving?

Yes.

I am not saying that you should definitely leave straightaway. I am saying that it is definitely an option you should consider.

Am I drawing it to me, when I draw so much goodness and happiness?

You draw it all. The good and the bad.

I have no control over an insane alcoholic...who he hits or who he screams at is nothing i seem to be able to change?

Clearly you have control over whether the insane alcoholic gets to hit or scream at Mother.

and to me, for the sake of his and my childrens happiness, I feel like the right thing to do is try to change ME, if it will help.

You aren't making him happy.

Happy men do not beat their wives.

He's not happy; you're not happy; I bet your kids are not happy.

Do everyone a favour - pack up, grab your kids and go. You can tell him - "One day, if you want me back, I'll be back .... if by then, you've done your detox, quit your alcohol and are staying sober."

Consider this seriously - that the best change you can make, for the sake of everyone's happiness, is to leave.

[CoolBee]

You seem to be saying that your husband's happiness DEPENDS on you, even to the extent of you becoming a punchbag.

What do you ENJOY and get out of being in this situation? In what ways does believing yourself to be solely responsible for someone else's happiness give you satisfaction?

Where did this need in you to be responsible come from?

In what ways is your husband responsible for his own feelings? In what ways do you encourage your husband to accept responsibility for the consequences of his actions?

What is the evidence that your husband will be sad if you do leave? How do you know he won't be dancing with joy in the street?

Have you ever challenged his bad behaviour? In what way? What was his response? Have you ever tackled him about it when he is in a calm state?

[MOTHER]

Originally Posted by CoolBee

You seem to be saying that your husband's happiness DEPENDS on you, even to the extent of you becoming a punchbag.
He mostly Rages...but yes I have been hit, and yes I fear it.

What do you ENJOY and get out of being in this situation? In what ways does believing yourself to be solely responsible for someone else's happiness give you satisfaction?
Hmmm well I guess I feel like i have held it all together for my kids?

Where did this need in you to be responsible come from?
Some horror from my childhood...
I watched my father commit suicide with a gun, and I had tremendous guilt...I really believe that my need to "save" everyone came from that. I do feel NOW, that it was a life lesson, given to me to teach me how to help people/ love people..I do not hold resentment
to that anymore...I let it go, as life-changing as it was to watch...

In what ways is your husband responsible for his own feelings? In what ways do you encourage your husband to accept responsibility for the consequences of his actions?
I cannot talk to him after a rage...he justifies his behavior with what I have done to spark it...
I have shut down.

What is the evidence that your husband will be sad if you do leave? How do you know he won't be dancing with joy in the street?
I am fearful that he will kill himself.

Have you ever challenged his bad behaviour? In what way? What was his response? Have you ever tackled him about it when he is in a calm state?

When I stand my ground, it is not effective...It is an intimidator vs an intimidator ...In a calm state, he is guilt-ridden and remorseful...
and I always feel like I'm a bad person if i don't forgive him....
a "Good" person, forgives, no?
Typically i need to walk on egshells for days until he finally sees that his anger was unjustified...during that time, we do not speak...Right now it is day 5.....

Now...what do i say to myself....I have tried
but holding it together feels too hard after 20 years, you know?
The guilt of his suicide would be too much to bear...and i stay, and I stay,
and I am not free in my heart.

[MOTHER]

oops, I tried to answer according to the questions asked...somehow, many of my responses are within the "quoted " area,
sorry about that...I'm new to this website today...

[CoolBee]

No worries Though I would be grateful if a mod could sort out the details for clarity!

The key piece of information I think from what you have said is witnessing your father's suicide.

Have you ever received counselling on this? Whether you have or haven't, now might be a good time to revisit that because - though I am not qualified in this area - as a personal person, I think that your issues with that are holding you in this relationship. Counselling might help you unblock it - whether that means enabling you to get courage to leave, or enabling you to improve things with your husband.

[MOTHER]

I received no therapy as a child...
Helping others has become my therapy....
Every time I am kind instead of cruel...
every time I help somebody else to smile...
I am not intending to be a victim here either...A question was asked
about my childhood, and so I revealed my fathers suicide.
God led me through that to become a good person, and
help anyone who needs me.

I have a shop where kids come for help...
Each visitor gets a felt pen and a ladder, and I have myself
surrounded by Love and Inspiring quotes, written all over my ceiling....
I feel inner peace and calm in my soul when I help somebody else...

...and then he gets home...... and I need to cook and clean
and be watchful of my words, and hope he does not know that I am even talking with you now.
I must be creating it, but I don't know how I am?
I look for what my "paybacks" might be, but I have no answers.
I do not know what I am sending out there...
I do not know. I do not know.
I do know, that I need some help with ME
and that I am greatful for all of you today.

[Acting Like Godot]

You think he needs you, don't you.

You think he'll die without you.

I've seen your story repeated a few hundred times. Long before I ever heard of the Law of Attraction, I was a deputy public prosecutor. I looked at police files every day. Family violence / wife abuse was a regular part of the work.

Oh I also looked at suicide cases all the time. I have news for you - I have never come across a single suicide case where a man kills himself because the wife decides that she won't allow herself to be abused by him anymore.

[CoolBee]

I don't know whether you are a christian or not, but note that the bible says on many occasions:

Love your neighbour AS yourself

not more than or less than or instead of!

[Angela]

Who needs your help most? Your children? How exactly is it helping them to subjugate your own well-being, and theirs, to that of a guy who rages and hits and screams and shoves and manipulates and intimidates?

How is it helping your kids to teach them that such a person's well-being is more important than their mother's, and more important than their own?

Wouldn't it be helping them more, do you think, to teach them to set and maintain healthy boundaries, and that the best way to make a contribution in any lasting way is to take care of yourself?

You don't have to, of course. You could continue on this path of helping your husband rage and hit and scream and shove and manipulate and intimidate, if you want to. Your kids will do that with their kids, eventually, too, and so on.

Or you could interrupt your own pattern of aiding and abetting this criminal.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

I have never come across a single suicide case where a man kills himself because the wife decides that she won't allow herself to be abused by him anymore.

It just rarely if ever happens. They just go out and find another willing helper -- another woman who will help him to abuse her. Right, ALG?

[MOTHER]

Thank you for that.... much needed

Today I will focus on my own part in things, and do my best to
figure out how to re-think my world...

For now anyway, i have choices to think about...

[Kishka]

Originally Posted by MOTHER

...I cannot get past (yet) the feeling that I would make him SAD if I ever left him. Despite all the violence and pain he has imposed on my spirit,
I feel that to intentionally hurt another is MEAN.

I didn't read the responses yet but if no one else said it, he is ALREADY sad, he is ALREADY hurt, no?

You leaving won't add much more to that...

You have to put yourself first, love yourself first. If you continue to believe that you are worth nothing more than being a pounding bag, how can he think otherwise of you????

[MOTHER]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

You think he needs you, don't you.

You think he'll die without you.

I've seen your story repeated a few hundred times. Long before I ever heard of the Law of Attraction, I was a deputy public prosecutor. I looked at police files every day. Family violence / wife abuse was a regular part of the work.

Oh I also looked at suicide cases all the time. I have news for you - I have never come across a single suicide case where a man kills himself because the wife decides that she won't allow herself to be abused by him anymore.

Respectfully, Godot, you do not have news for me...
The last words out of my fathers mouth were "Do you still love me?" to my mother. She left the room, telling him exactly that...That She would no longer tolerate his abuse. He put the gun into his mouth and shot.
Some men DO kill themselves over a break-up,
and the thought of it is an inner battle I am struggling to overcome, not
seek pity for, or indeed repeat.
I do agree with your analysis that I feel he needs me, however, and am trying to manifest something different, while staying.
Has anyone here had a similar experience...learning to put one's self first
when faced with such a possible outcome?
How do i talk THAT out of my consciousness??
How do I re-program THAT???
Give me words to meditate on, book passages to seek...
I am honestly and humbly seeking a change in my own thought patterns here
and I do not wish to be viewed as a victim....
If anything I have grown as a human because of it, and learned to
help others because of it...
Look at me as a student instead, o.k.??

OK Teachers...bring it to me,let it flow through me...your thoughts on changing me, within the confines of this place where i may not be able to leave...
Thank you, ahead of time...

[Acting Like Godot]

This is how I look at it -

- suppose your daughter married a man, and the man abused her every day.

- your daughter thinks that the man would hurt himself, if she left.

- would you ask your daughter to stay on in the marriage?

You would? Really?

If you would not ask your daughter to stay on, then why would you stay on in your own?

I invite you to see that you are perpetuating violence. By placing yourself in a position where violent acts will be committed, YOU are creating violence. At least as a co-creator. Every willing victim of violence is creating it.

If you would stand up to help someone else (and you have said that you would), then why do you not stand up to help yourself. It seems to me that you disrespect yourself as a human being. Otherwise, why would you allow things to happen to yourself, that you would not allow to happen to another human being.

[MOTHER]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

This is how I look at it -

- suppose your daughter married a man, and the man abused her every day.

- your daughter thinks that the man would hurt himself, if she left.

- would you ask your daughter to stay on in the marriage?

You would? Really?

If you would not ask your daughter to stay on, then why would you stay on in your own?

I invite you to see that you are perpetuating violence. By placing yourself in a position where violent acts will be committed, YOU are creating violence. At least as a co-creator.

I would tell everyone I know to get out!
I liked what you said earlier about letting anybody mistreat MOTHER...
and when I stepped back and viewed her as a different entity than myself, I would defend her.
I am starting to see and believe that I must be co-creating this
thank-you, G.
now...Is it possible to "un-create" the insanity??? ?
If I built it, what is my first step to tearing it down?
Is that possible without leaving?
Can I re-create a happy marriage somehow?
If the vase is cracked, will it always be cracked, unless i make a new one?

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by MOTHER

Is that possible without leaving?

Just because of the kinds of cases I have seen, I would encourage you to leave, to get yourself out of harm's way ....

.... and only later, think about the possibility of coming back.

If the man is still interested, and if the man has quit his alcohol, and if he has done his therapy and resolved his issues.

And if he hasn't done all that, DON'T come back.

[MOTHER]

You have seen many horrible things,in your career I imagine...
Bless you for your insights to me today .

[JamesKnochel]

Hi MOTHER,

It sounds to me like your Earth element is out-of-balance.

There are five elements in oriental medicine: Water, Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal. Everyone's personality tends to be dominated by one or two elements. Mothers/Caretakers are usually Earths. Your husband is probably a Wood/Fire (Wood for the anger, fire for calming down).

Earth element meridians are Stomach and Spleen. Balance those meridians, and you'll be able to take better care of yourself.

One balancing exercise is holding the Earth element neurovasculars, which are right underneath the eyes (between Stomach 1 and Stomach 2).

Get a copy of Donna Eden & David Feinstein's book, Energy Medicine or Energy Medicine for Women for more about what to do.