Rockchick thread and.. "nothing works for me"!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by ellie

Well unfortunately it sounds like you close to hitting rock-bottom, due to the fact that you hoped everything would work itself out. It's probably hard to work on things now, in the state you are in. I'm assuming you're probably quite worried and stressed with your situation. I personally would just move in with your mum get the crappiest job out there (tell yourself it's only short-term), make some money, give yourself time to find yourself and then invest time and money in finding out about all things that interest you.

Well if I was living with my mom, I would be so miserable that I would have an even harder time "finding myself", which by the way, has already been happening for 3 or 4 years now. I think I've found what I want to do, I just have to get rid of that critical analytical voice in my head throwing obstacles in my way. I have a feeling if I have to move back home, i'll sink into a depression worse than what I just went through a few months ago and then I really won't be able to think straight! If it comes to that, I will do the organic farm thing just to get away from there.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

If it comes to that, I will do the organic farm thing just to get away from there.

is the organic farm thing accepting people? I mean, are all the blocks to doing this on your side? If you called them would they say "come on down"?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

what's the deal with that organic farm community?

is that just a pipe dream or a real possibility?
assuming you could get there, is it a done deal?

But I thought nothing is a pipe dream, its all possible? It would be a done deal yes, if I can get there and if I can find one that still has an opening (they recommend you sign up in April but it'll be at least June before I could go).

list only all the ways it could work and be a cool thing to do.

I love making lists! Ok...

I love organic food
I love what organic farms stand for, I think we should all support local and organic food
I wouldn't have to pay rent
I might even get paid, depending on where I go
I would meet new like minded people
I would be able to eat healthy, for free
It would give me a totally new life, even if just temporarily
I would learn & get experience growing food so I'd have a better chance at getting a job doing it, or I could start my own farm or business
I would get exercise without really having to try
I would get to travel a lot (assuming I would do this on a regular basis)

If I did one of the other types of work exchanges that aren't on farms, I would still get a lot of those benefits. (The bed & breakfasts, resorts, etc.)

if you think, but I have no way to get there - say maybe I can hitchhike or car pool or they can pick me up or I can leave my appt. which gives me the money to get there or any brain storming idea of how you could get there.

Hitchhike?! A single petite female hitchhike?! This isn't my ego saying this, it's common sense, that is just too dangerous to do these days! I would car pool but what are the odds someone who lives near me would be joining the same farm I would be at the same time? I'll be coming on late in the season, I'm sure most people will already be there. And if it's in another state or country, nobody is going to leave their farm to come pick someone up. The only plausible idea I thought of is to sell all my furniture but I wouldn't get enough money, I'm sure. I could take my 401k money out but that wouldn't last long, I don't have much in there.

if you say, but I'll miss my family - say that will be ok since I can email or talk on the phone and it will be fun to talk about what I'm doing on the farm.

Well the thing is, the person I'd miss most would be my nephew and he can't speak in clear full sentences yet so I wouldn't really be able to talk to him on the phone and that wouldn't be the same as playing with him in person. But I'm thinking, the best thing would probably be to only do these "jobs" for short periods of time, like a month at the most. But that would mean I'd need more money to get to each one since I wouldn't want to stay home longer than a few days or a week anyway. Maybe I could use my 401k money to buy an RV and use that to drive back and forth everywhere. That would kill many birds with one stone! I'm just not sure if what little money I have would be enough to buy a decent enough RV that wouldn't need lots of work.

if you say, but this isn't exactly what I want to do and I'll miss some other opportunity - say I am attracted to this organic farming idea a lot and it may led to other cool opportunities/connections with like minded people.

This isn't really an excuse for me anymore, these things are temporary and you really only have to do them as long as you want to, so by doing this I would still have plenty of other time to do other things.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

Three ways to end conditioning (middle of page 58)
Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting ... - Google Books

Wow, this book looks amazing!! I have liked what I've read of his so far, I think I'll see how much this book is on Amazon, it's annoying trying to read only every other page! Thanks for the link!

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

But I thought nothing is a pipe dream, its all possible? It would be a done deal yes, if I can get there and if I can find one that still has an opening (they recommend you sign up in April but it'll be at least June before I could go).

just wondered how much you looked into it - it's sound cool.

I love making lists! Ok...

hehehe

I love organic food
I love what organic farms stand for, I think we should all support local and organic food
I wouldn't have to pay rent
I might even get paid, depending on where I go
I would meet new like minded people
I would be able to eat healthy, for free
It would give me a totally new life, even if just temporarily
I would learn & get experience growing food so I'd have a better chance at getting a job doing it, or I could start my own farm or business
I would get exercise without really having to try
I would get to travel a lot (assuming I would do this on a regular basis)

If I did one of the other types of work exchanges that aren't on farms, I would still get a lot of those benefits. (The bed & breakfasts, resorts, etc.)

sounds exciting!

Hitchhike?!

yeah that's a no go way to go, just part of a non censored brain storm.

I could take my 401k money out but that wouldn't last long, I don't have much in there.

probably not a good idea to raid the 401k

Well the thing is, the person I'd miss most would be my nephew and he can't speak in clear full sentences yet so I wouldn't really be able to talk to him on the phone and that wouldn't be the same as playing with him in person.

it's cool you have a nephew that you are close to.

But I'm thinking, the best thing would probably be to only do these "jobs" for short periods of time, like a month at the most. But that would mean I'd need more money to get to each one since I wouldn't want to stay home longer than a few days or a week anyway. Maybe I could use my 401k money to buy an RV and use that to drive back and forth everywhere. That would kill many birds with one stone! I'm just not sure if what little money I have would be enough to buy a decent enough RV that wouldn't need lots of work.

are these "jobs" within driving distance? maybe a family member could drop you off and pick you up?

This isn't really an excuse for me anymore, these things are temporary and you really only have to do them as long as you want to, so by doing this I would still have plenty of other time to do other things.

right on!

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I understand your analogy, but choosing between chocolate or vanilla isn't even in the same league as choosing what career to do for the rest of your life.

You don't have to make a choice that will definitely 100 percent be what you do for the rest of your life. I've already had three different 'careers' in my working life, plus I spent time working in a cafe when I wasn't sure what I wanted to do next. And I'm contemplating/working on fourth/fifth career possibilities for the future.

Just start SOMETHING. You don't have to do it forever if it doesn't work out. All those different things I've done have turned out to be useful in some way. It's your inaction, your refusal to choose anything that doesn't seem perfect or perfectly simple that is the consistent factor behind your failure to get anywhere.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I understand getting down easily again. But don't worry.. if you get down easily, you also get up easily!

I'm pretty sure that most of your other activities can be done without money as well. Maybe not exactly the way you want them to be done, but as a start at least!

First off, you are saying you are not getting a lot of sunlight... I would say to make it your first step to go out every single day and be in the sun for an hour or so. If you combine it with taking a walk, it means that you are also getting some exercise and some meditation time

3 for the price of 1.

You have no idea how much my mood has changed, just by moving to Mexico and having more sun and being more in the sun daily... I understand that that isn't an option for you now But you can start by taking long daily walks...

Even if the sun isn't shining 50% of the UVB still filters through.. so a cloudy day, week or year isn't an excuse to not do it

I do like walking, but I have this other wierd problem...I feel uncomfortable walking during the day. I usually go for walks either at sunrise or sunset, I completely prefer sunrise though because most people aren't up yet and the world is quiet and peaceful. I hate being out during the day, I have never liked it. I've always been a nightowl. If I go for a walk during the day, with loud cars going past me and dogs barking as I walk by, and people seeing me, it bothers me so much that I end my walks early. I like being outside when there is nobody else out there, and the world is much more beautiful at sunrise than any other time, I think. So thats the struggle I have, if I'm not able to be up between 5 and 7 am to go for my walks then, I pretty much hide indoors.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

is the organic farm thing accepting people? I mean, are all the blocks to doing this on your side? If you called them would they say "come on down"?

Well there are literally hundreds of them all over the world, and all the ones I've checked will accept you any time if there is an open bed there. Some have room for more people than others do. But i'm sure the longer you wait, the harder time you'll have of finding one with an open spot. As for the ones that aren't farms, the ones that go year round, those would be much easier to get into since they are permanent and ongoing.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I've always been a nightowl. If I go for a walk during the day, with loud cars going past me and dogs barking as I walk by, and people seeing me, it bothers me so much that I end my walks early. I like being outside when there is nobody else out there, and the world is much more beautiful at sunrise than any other time, I think. So thats the struggle I have, if I'm not able to be up between 5 and 7 am to go for my walks then, I pretty much hide indoors.

Do you see that you are letting a fear stop you from doing what you want here?

And this is an "easy" fear. You don't have to worry here about hurting other people, this is just all about you.

Why not think why you have this fear? What believe about yourself makes you not want to be outside where people can see you?

Trust me, they won't be looking at you, or even thinking about you. Average people are way to busy thinking about their own lives...

Why not just go ahead and conquer this fear? Go for a walk during the day. Just do it. You'll see that also during the day the earth can be a beautiful place if you look for it.

Just do this one thing, for 7 days. Just to show yourself that you CAN. That you are not ruled by fear, but that YOU control YOU.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

just wondered how much you looked into it - it's sound cool.

I spent about 2-3 hours researching it one day and the next day probably another 2 and the day after that maybe 1 (because I only had a little I missed the first 2 times )

are these "jobs" within driving distance? maybe a family member could drop you off and pick you up?

Well the closest ones are about an hour from here, I could even drive to those, I'm just not sure yet if you are allowed to have your own vehicle sitting there. That's something you would have to talk to them about personally when you contact them. But the ones in my state are only the farm ones, not the ones that go year round, if I wanted to do those, they were all in other states and countries. So once September hits, I would be limited to only going out of state.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Indiana

You don't have to make a choice that will definitely 100 percent be what you do for the rest of your life. I've already had three different 'careers' in my working life, plus I spent time working in a cafe when I wasn't sure what I wanted to do next. And I'm contemplating/working on fourth/fifth career possibilities for the future.

Just start SOMETHING. You don't have to do it forever if it doesn't work out. All those different things I've done have turned out to be useful in some way. It's your inaction, your refusal to choose anything that doesn't seem perfect or perfectly simple that is the consistent factor behind your failure to get anywhere.

Yeah I know I can have many careers, but i'm just afraid out of the 20 things I want to try, what if it takes me many years to try 19 and then I never have time to try the 20th one and THAT'S the one I should have chosen first? I know this sounds silly to read it but that's the way my mind thinks, I hate it.

And I totally know my perfectionism is ruining everything, it probably ruined all my would-be relationships too, because I couldn't deal with their flaws and I felt like if I just waited, the perfect one would come along. Thats what I seem to be doing with my interests too. They all have flaws and I keep thinking well, I add more all the time, maybe the next one I discover will be the perfect one. I wish I could stop thinking that way because I know it's keeping me from everything. Wow I suddenly feel like I've only been living like 20% of my life.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Do you see that you are letting a fear stop you from doing what you want here?

And this is an "easy" fear. You don't have to worry here about hurting other people, this is just all about you.

Why not think why you have this fear? What believe about yourself makes you not want to be outside where people can see you?

Trust me, they won't be looking at you, or even thinking about you. Average people are way to busy thinking about their own lives...

Why not just go ahead and conquer this fear? Go for a walk during the day. Just do it. You'll see that also during the day the earth can be a beautiful place if you look for it.

Just do this one thing, for 7 days. Just to show yourself that you CAN. That you are not ruled by fear, but that YOU control YOU.

I HAVE done this though, that's how I know I don't like it. I did it last summer and I have done it about 4 times in the last month. It isn't JUST the people seeing me that bothers me, it's the noise, and movement. I like things being still and peaceful. If I lived in the country it would be way easier to go for walks during the day, although I'd still prefer sunrise. I just love being outside when it's dark. When I was a kid I used to sneak out and just go walking around in the yard, and pretend I was the only person alive. I've had this feeling ever since then, I was probably 12 or 13 years old. So it isn't some new thing, it's just always been there. When me and my brother would play outside, he'd go in after suppertime and I would stay outside by myself until it was bedtime, just enjoying the peaceful quiet darkness. I feel like nature can't be appreciated properly when there are too many noises and distractions during the day. Maybe I should try to find a job where I work outside at night? I don't think there are any.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Yeah I know I can have many careers, but i'm just afraid out of the 20 things I want to try, what if it takes me many years to try 19 and then I never have time to try the 20th one and THAT'S the one I should have chosen first?

What if, indeed? You'll probably have enjoyed and gotten value of some kind out of the other 19. No action is ever really wasted.

Anyway, how would you even know you 'should have' tried something you never get around to trying? Who is making the 'should' up? It doesn't make a lick of sense. I mean, I may be the greatest pastry chef the world has ever known, but given it's pretty low down on the list of things I'm going to try, I probably ain't ever gonna know. SO WHAT? Is someone going to tell me off in the next life?

What's the big 'What if?' that you're afraid of, that's paralysing you?

[ellie]

It sounds like you have social anxiety and people with social anxiety tend to make excuses to why they can't do things, because they fear dealing with people.

Personally I would just take that leap, go down to the farm and just see what the people are like. I would say most people on an organic farm would be lovely, so that would be the perfect place to confront some of your fears.

Have a go!

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Maybe I should try to find a job where I work outside at night? I don't think there are any.

Graverobber? Heh heh.

[Angela]

Rockchick, you are the most powerful person here. No one, but no one, can sway you even an inch away from your commitment. You are truly, awesomely, magnificently staunch in your intention, immovable and resolute. People try, over and over again, you attract us like flies, doggedly attempting to prove you wrong, but to no avail. Even people who declare we are done, we will not keep trying to move a mountain with a teaspoon, we still are drawn into your orbit, in our meager attempts, but you remain unmoved from your purpose.

I salute you!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Indiana

What if, indeed? You'll probably have enjoyed and gotten value of some kind out of the other 19. No action is ever really wasted.

Anyway, how would you even know you 'should have' tried something you never get around to trying? Who is making the 'should' up? It doesn't make a lick of sense. I mean, I may be the greatest pastry chef the world has ever known, but given it's pretty low down on the list of things I'm going to try, I probably ain't ever gonna know. SO WHAT? Is someone going to tell me off in the next life?

What's the big 'What if?' that you're afraid of, that's paralysing you?

The big What If is what if that was your calling? What if that was what would bring you true happiness? Being a pastry chef may be low on your list, but ALL my interests are HIGH on mine. That means any one of them has just as good a chance as any of being what I was born to do. I would just hate to miss out on that because that's the meaning of life, to find your purpose!

[ssandra]

You know Rockchick.... I keep wishing I lived in your neighborhood cause then I could just come and take you to the farm, take you for a walk, show you how beautiful life can be...

Or to give you a (well intended) kick in the ass to get you moving

Once I win the lottery or become rich on my own (which ever happens first) you will be one of the first stops on my journey to meet all the lovely people on this forum

Well... after Vegas that is, in case this happens before October

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by ellie

It sounds like you have social anxiety and people with social anxiety tend to make excuses to why they can't do things, because they fear dealing with people.

Personally I would just take that leap, go down to the farm and just see what the people are like. I would say most people on an organic farm would be lovely, so that would be the perfect place to confront some of your fears.

Have a go!

I do have some types of social anxiety, yeah. But working on a farm wouldn't be so different from working anywhere else, and I've done that before. I DO want to connect with people and make new friends. I just have wierd issues with talking on the phone, and people seeing me when I'm trying to do something private. I consider spiritual stuff private, like going for a walk or meditating at sunrise, I wouldn't want anyone seeing me only because I want to be alone with nature. I don't even like exercising with people. I just like going about my daily routine alone, but I want to share my interests and hobbies with groups of people. I like to keep the two worlds seperate.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

The big What If is what if that was your calling? What if that was what would bring you true happiness? Being a pastry chef may be low on your list, but ALL my interests are HIGH on mine. That means any one of them has just as good a chance as any of being what I was born to do. I would just hate to miss out on that because that's the meaning of life, to find your purpose!

Who decides all these things? Was this something determined by some external force before you were even born?

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

The big What If is what if that was your calling? What if that was what would bring you true happiness? Being a pastry chef may be low on your list, but ALL my interests are HIGH on mine. That means any one of them has just as good a chance as any of being what I was born to do. I would just hate to miss out on that because that's the meaning of life, to find your purpose!

I also think you've misunderstood the question. The question was: What if?

What would 'missing your calling' mean? That you had a totally miserable life? That your life was completely pointless? That you failed to fulfill some kind of predestined life requirement and will be punished in the afterlife? That nobody will remember you 100 years after you're dead?

What are you afraid of happening if you 'miss' some 'true' happiness that you can't even clarify at the moment? Does that mean all other possible happinesses that life can hold have no value? How will you know when you've found 'true' happiness and your 'calling' if you don't even know what those things are now?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Graverobber? Heh heh.

I do love being in cemetaries at night!

Maybe a night watchman type job? Would they hire a 5'1" 110-pound girl?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Rockchick, you are the most powerful person here. No one, but no one, can sway you even an inch away from your commitment. You are truly, awesomely, magnificently staunch in your intention, immovable and resolute. People try, over and over again, you attract us like flies, doggedly attempting to prove you wrong, but to no avail. Even people who declare we are done, we will not keep trying to move a mountain with a teaspoon, we still are drawn into your orbit, in our meager attempts, but you remain unmoved from your purpose.

I salute you!

Well, thank you, I think...but I HAVE been swayed an inch, I HAVE been proven wrong, the mountain IS moving, and my purpose is not to argue with people forever about what my purpose is! I really feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last few days. I'm just a tough nut to crack but if it wasn't going to work, I wouldn't be getting all this help I asked for. The universe is giving me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. I am now taking total responsibility for how I am (not saying there weren't factors, but I could have risen above them if I had known my own strength), and I have all the tools I need, the ball is now in my court. And I don't want to let anyone down, especially not my own soul. I am sick of being the person that everyone shakes their head at and feels sorry for and needs everyone's help. I want to be the person that everyone admires, looks up to, and helps others for a change!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by ssandra

You know Rockchick.... I keep wishing I lived in your neighborhood cause then I could just come and take you to the farm, take you for a walk, show you how beautiful life can be...

Or to give you a (well intended) kick in the ass to get you moving

Once I win the lottery or become rich on my own (which ever happens first) you will be one of the first stops on my journey to meet all the lovely people on this forum

Well... after Vegas that is, in case this happens before October

I wish you did live near me, it would be much easier if I had a real life friend to support me!

It isn't that I don't think life is beautiful, I just think loud noises and lots of movement distract from that. It's much easier to relax watching the sun come up behind the hillside with only the birds songs in your ears, than watching a hundred cars zip past you and listening to parents yelling at their kids and dogs having a barking war. Maybe I just need to move to the country!

[ellie]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I do have some types of social anxiety, yeah. But working on a farm wouldn't be so different from working anywhere else, and I've done that before. I DO want to connect with people and make new friends. I just have wierd issues with talking on the phone, and people seeing me when I'm trying to do something private. I consider spiritual stuff private, like going for a walk or meditating at sunrise, I wouldn't want anyone seeing me only because I want to be alone with nature. I don't even like exercising with people. I just like going about my daily routine alone, but I want to share my interests and hobbies with groups of people. I like to keep the two worlds seperate.

I understand exactly what you are saying, because I do the same thing. I hate talking on the phone, I never pick up my phone, only after I read the answering machine, I don't like working with people, especially the looking over my shoulder thing. I hate, hate, hate it, but I have come to terms with it, it's just who I am, and I have to work with it, for me that means the active goal of working for myself as a artist/designer. You actually find a lot of entrepreneurs have these sort of traits, they need to come up with creative ways to work for themselves, because they don't work well in a normal 9-5 environment. I actually came across this site, and the video sums me up, and it might sum you up too...I found the site a bit fluffy, but it's nice to sort of connect with other people that are similar, and say "hey that's me" The Highly Sensitive Person's Online Guide to Creating Joyful Work

I think all of come back to this site to connect with you, because we all see a little of ourselves in you. Some of us may have been able to get a little ahead of you, so we want to help you to get up to the same point as ourselves.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Who decides all these things? Was this something determined by some external force before you were even born?

Your soul decides these things, right?

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I wish you did live near me, it would be much easier if I had a real life friend to support me!

It isn't that I don't think life is beautiful, I just think loud noises and lots of movement distract from that. It's much easier to relax watching the sun come up behind the hillside with only the birds songs in your ears, than watching a hundred cars zip past you and listening to parents yelling at their kids and dogs having a barking war. Maybe I just need to move to the country!

Or find joy and beauty in those things as well...?

I can find beauty in most things these days, if I just set my mind to it.

For every mom screaming at her child there is also a mom or dad playing with their child. Lovely.

For every dog barking, there is also a dog being playful and joyful enjoying the park and it's life.

Cars zipping by.. one of my favorite things to watch. Just imaging where all those people are going to.. what they do with their lives.. the joy of me being outside, while they are locked in a tin can

[Rockchick26]

s

Originally Posted by Indiana

I also think you've misunderstood the question. The question was: What if?

What would 'missing your calling' mean? That you had a totally miserable life? That your life was completely pointless? That you failed to fulfill some kind of predestined life requirement and will be punished in the afterlife? That nobody will remember you 100 years after you're dead?

What are you afraid of happening if you 'miss' some 'true' happiness that you can't even clarify at the moment? Does that mean all other possible happinesses that life can hold have no value? How will you know when you've found 'true' happiness and your 'calling' if you don't even know what those things are now?

It would mean that I wasted my life and screwed up my chance to do what I came here for. If you believe in reincarnation, I guess I would have other chances, but if you don't, you only got one. I want to experience the joy of doing what brings me the most happiness. I want to live a life that gives me the best possible chances of being purely happy as often as possible. I want to enjoy life all the time, not just intermittently whenever the situation happens to be right. I want to be living my passion, not working my butt off at a job I hate for many years just so I can afford to do something fun for a few days.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Your soul decides these things, right?

Are you asking me? Because you're the one who believes it.

If your soul has already decided these things, why don't you know what you need to do to find 'true happiness' or 'fulfill your purpose'? I mean, your soul is your soul, if anyone has access to it, you do. Seems like a kind of useless soul if it makes a bunch of decisions but won't tell you what they are until you guess right. Is your soul going to be cross with you if you don't guess right?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I really feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last few days. I'm just a tough nut to crack but if it wasn't going to work, I wouldn't be getting all this help I asked for. The universe is giving me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. I am now taking total responsibility for how I am (not saying there weren't factors, but I could have risen above them if I had known my own strength), and I have all the tools I need, the ball is now in my court. And I don't want to let anyone down, especially not my own soul. I am sick of being the person that everyone shakes their head at and feels sorry for and needs everyone's help. I want to be the person that everyone admires, looks up to, and helps others for a change!

What specific changes have you made?