Rockchick thread and.. "nothing works for me"!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Indiana

But you're just getting to that point and giving up, right? You figure if you've stopped enjoying it, that's probably it for you? Rather than deciding, Okay, I'm going to make a commitment to do this for a year (or whatever) so I'm going to do my very best... and see how it plays out from there? You might well be surprised.

I did stick with my website for OVER a year, I started it in January of 2009 and I cancelled it just last week so I tried it for a year and 3 months! Is a year the magic time frame? Apparently not for me. I only ended up regretting spending $420 on it, total. Well, I did learn a good lesson though, that I should cross music blogging off my list (at least in the form I had it in, maybe if I did it more freestyle it would work.) Pretty expensive lesson though. I don't want to lose that much money again on TRYING something. Maybe that is subconsciously making me not want to waste any more money because that was a huge chunk of money and I didn't earn a cent from that site.

Edison didn't make a lightbulb on his first try, or his 100th. Einstein said, 'It's not that I'm so smart, I just stay with problems longer'.

It seems like you're just hitting the first wall and turning back every time.

I like that quote. I know I am turning back every time I hit a wall, but I don't know what would have happened if I had tried at my site for another year, or even 10 years, would I have ever gotten anywhere? With Edison and the light bulb, he knew he wanted to make a light bulb, he just didn't know how. With me and my website, I thought I wanted to make a website and and I knew how but I just didn't care after a while. Obviously Edison cared about his passion so much that he couldn't stop. Apparently I don't like writing about music as much as Edison liked light bulbs!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Um. Isn't that exactly what you were saying about writing too?

Yes, but at the time my credit card balance was at 0 and I still had a job when I joined that site. Now it's pretty high and I don't have a job, so it's a different situation now.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I obviously have done a LOT of soul searching because a year ago I only listed music and writing as my hobbies! Look at all the new things I've explored since then!

As far as I can see, you've explored almost nothing.

Your list may have lengthened, but you explored almost nothing on it. It was just a list on which you did mostly nothing except read books, surf websites and listen to MP3 downloads.

If you consider just reading a book as "exploring", then I could say that I've explored space travel; competing in the Olympics; anti-aging research and running multi-national corporations. Because I've also read books on all these things.

But in my own opinion, reading such books is a very, very different thing from travelling to space, competing in the Olympics or being the CEO of an MNC.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Look, this thread isn't about me, it's about you, but I want to assure you that you aren't the only person in the world with a long list.

Nobody in the world does just one thing.

I have got a long list too, jotted down in one filofax and one notebook. And I don't just have a list of goals, I also have action plans; ideas; KIV'd possibilities; progress records; calendars; to-do lists.

I am not saying I'm special. I know everyone has lists. But everyone (well, most people) are working right now and they don't have to decide quickly, they can just keep working at their jobs and think about other things whenever they get to them, there isn't a ticking clock counting down for them.

And of course, there is flux, there is uncertainty, there is incomplete information .... SO? There always is. Even if your name is Jesus, there would be.

This is where I think I have mental issues. I know other people have incomplete information, but something is making me have difficulties. It's a thinking problem and I need to figure out why I have it and how I can fix it.

How to deal with uncertainty? Here's an example.

- I like my current job. I am aiming to get promoted by early next year.
- At the same time, I wonder if there's a better, more interesting job out there.
- Should I stay, or should I go?

So what do I do? Simple. I check for new job opportunities once in a while. If I see one, I'll send my CV over and see if they're interested in meeting me. If so, I can go and check them out too. If they don't want to meet me, no worries. I'll just carry on doing the best I can, at my current job.

I work towards my promotion, while staying open to the possibility that before I get promoted, I might have moved on to a better job elsewhere. Both possibilities are positive, so either is fine with me. Simple logic, right?

If I had a full time job I'd be doing that too, that is very simple. In fact that's what I was doing when I had my job, I was looking for other types of jobs I'd wanna do, that's why I started my website before I got laid off because I wanted to work on writing in my spare time.

Here's another example. I like to exercise. What should I choose? I like running and swimming; yoga looks interesting to me; I think it's useful and convenient to do things like sit-ups and push-ups and dips at home; gym is another possibility too.

So should I be paralysed by choices? Should I say:

"Urrgh, I have five options - running, swimming, yoga, callisthenics, gym - what shall I choose? I need to do extensive research; and read 8 books; surf 12 websites and listen to 15 MP3 downloads, so that I can decide which type of exercise is the best one I should choose. Until then, I won't exercise."

Heck, no. That's stupid.

How can you compare different exercises with different life paths? They are totally different. I don't even get that anal about researching which exercise to do. I have my Malibu Pilates chair, I have my trampoline, I have my exercise ball, I have my jump rope, I have my stretchy bands, I have my Curves bar, I have my weights, but I never have problems deciding which one to do. It's not even in the same league as trying to decide what career you should get into.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Wow... but... why would you let his opinion put a 'damper' on your plans? He can only make you feel like **** if you let him.

Just assume you tell him. And he moans and complains. And you do it anyway, because you're fine about it, and he can't stop you because you are an adult. And then you've taught him something: that you're capable of doing what you want, and that his negativity really doesn't affect you. Maybe it will take him a while to learn that lesson. But right now, the only learning that's going on is that what your dad thinks you should be is more important than what you really are. And you're the one learning it.

It isn't that we let his opinion change our plans, it's that we want to avoid fighting with him. It puts us in a negative mood. He's a toxic person and we know the best way to deal with him is to create a lot of space and not tell him a lot of things.

And even when we show him we are capable of things, that doesn't matter. Me and my brother both have survived just fine without his help so he has absolutely NO reason to fear for our ability to be capable of things.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Does this now mean we can officially cross 'writing' off your list, as you've demonstrated sufficiently clearly that it's just a nice dream, not something you actually want to put work into? Great! This list is getting shorter by the hour.

Yeah I think I've decided that music and writing are better off hobbies than careers. And someday when I'm not having money problems I can test something else out but for now I'm going to just enjoy them the best way I can, in my spare time.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

So when are you going to the library? Remember, the plan is that you're going to find a way to get a job there.

Why is it so difficult for you to say something like:

"I'm going to the library now"; or
"I'm free tomorrow at lunchtime, that's when I'll go"; or
"Either Monday or Tuesday next week."

Because now it's 6:30 am and I need to get to bed but now there are 2 friends of mine online and we're chatting and I'm also trying to catch up in here but I keep getting that "server busy" message and I have to keep waiting to post again! It's getting really aggravating!

And I have plans for the next few days in a row, so I know I won't have time to go to the library then. I can go next time I'm free, but I can't say now when that will be.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

No, you are not.

You are like a bee that looks at an entire field of flowers. "Wow, blue flowers! Red flowers! Yellow flowers! Big flowers! Small flowers! Which flower shall I fly to? I need to read a book and do research and decide which flower is best."

You keep researching and researching, and you can't decide. Eventually winter arrives and the flowers die. So do you.

I got this example from that book Refuse To Choose, I didn't make it up myself. So if you don't think that's like me, take it up with Barbara Sher.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

As far as I can see, you've explored almost nothing.

Your list may have lengthened, but you explored almost nothing on it. It was just a list on which you did mostly nothing except read books, surf websites and listen to MP3 downloads.

If you consider just reading a book as "exploring", then I could say that I've explored space travel; competing in the Olympics; anti-aging research and running multi-national corporations. Because I've also read books on all these things.

But in my own opinion, reading such books is a very, very different thing from travelling to space, competing in the Olympics or being the CEO of an MNC.

Ok bad use of the word "explored", but to me exploring is researching and learning, and I was doing that. I did what I could with my limited funds. It's so easy to sit on your computer which is right in your livingroom and you are already paying for internet access so, it seems like a no-brainer to me. I'm not saying this is the best way, but it's the only way when you don't have money to really do these things.

[Arboretor]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I got this example from that book Refuse To Choose

I don't know that book. What does she recommend to do, to change that habitual 'refuse to choose'?

[Arboretor]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

And I have plans for the next few days in a row, so I know I won't have time to go to the library then. I can go next time I'm free, but I can't say now when that will be.

Your money is running out and you don't know where to live afterwards, but you have some more important things to do than looking for a job???

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Arboretor

I don't know that book. What does she recommend to do, to change that habitual 'refuse to choose'?

Very briefly, the book teaches a person with 20 interests how to pursue 20 interests.

The book does not recommend that if you have 20 interests, you just stay paralysed and pursue none of them.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Ok bad use of the word "explored", but to me exploring is researching and learning, and I was doing that.

Then it would not be accurate to say that you have many interests.

It would be more accurate to say that you only have 3 interests:

(i) reading books
(ii) surfing the Internet
(iii) listening to MP3 downloads

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

And I have plans for the next few days in a row, so I know I won't have time to go to the library then. I can go next time I'm free, but I can't say now when that will be.

Riiiight.

You are jobless, single, no kids, and according to yourself, not in a position to pursue any of your interests.

But you are so busy that over the next few days, you cannot spare an hour or two to go the library.

[Arboretor]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Very briefly, the book teaches a person with 20 interests how to pursue 20 interests.

The book does not recommend that if you have 20 interests, you just stay paralysed and pursue none of them.

My idea was that it perhaps shows which thought processes lead to that behaviour and how to change them. My next question would be if Rockchick has tried to implement those steps.

[ellie]

I find this thread fascinating, I'm learning so much about human behaviour.

Refuse to choose, is about trying things on your list, so you don't have the worry of needing to stick to one kind of interest. It releases the stress of not knowing what to focus on.

It was quite helpful for me.

Ok so your blog failed, but have you asked yourself why? A blog is really hard work and so is owning and running an online business. People give blogs a good 1-2 years to really get momentum up. Don't worry I didn't understand this at first, so when I tried my first online business and blog, I just thought it would be easy peasy, I would write people would come. It just doesn't work like that at all. You have to network, contribute, learn what works and what doesn't work. Rome wasn't built in a day, and so everything takes time, and it needs you to reevaluate, ask what's working, what's not. Then try, try and try again.

It seems that you might like to find the easy and quick solutions to things rockchick, just by one of your replies, where you explained you would rather go to a practitioner that would give you instant results. You may go down the easy fast route, but is that the best route? Patience will allow you to evaluate what your doing right and wrong...so that ultimately you can learn, grow and get what you want in life

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

How can you compare different exercises with different life paths? They are totally different.

Of course not.

Whatever life path a person may choose, he still has to do things every day. And all the little things he routinely does every day reveals his current choice of life path.

If a person has chosen "writing" as his life path, today you'll see him sitting down to write out a few pages or edit his articles on the computer.

If a person has chosen "teaching" as his life path, today you'll see him in a school classroom, teaching a group of students.

If a person has chosen "sports" as his life path, today you'll see him training on the field or practising on the court.

If a person has chose "music" as his life path, today you'll see him practising on the piano or composing a song.

You have chosen a life path too. Today, I can see you surfing the Internet; reading a book halfway; chatting online and doing little else. That reflects the life path you've currently chosen. Hope you're happy with it.

[Acting Like Godot]

Let us carefully retrace one line of Rockchick's thought process, as shown in this thread.

1. Rockchick names writing as one of her interests.

2. Indiana responds by encouraging her. He writes: "Let's keep this on there. Your biggest problem with this seems not to be capacity but motivation, so that's a specific thing we can deal with."

3. Rockchick brightens up and says she's going to do it. She writes:
"I actually wanted to start up another website, this time a really cheap one ($3 a month, I found a good one for), and have it be about organic food/healthy eating/mind, body & spirit, just anything that supports whole health. So I do want to do this."

4. ALG asks Rockchick: "So when are you going to do it? On what date will be the website be up? Show us the link. We'll visit."

5. Rockchick starts her runaway routine. She writes: "Well I do need to write it first. You can't just start a website with one paragraph."

6. So ALG asks her: "So when are you going to write it?"

7. Rockchick replies: "Certainly not now while I am worrying and stressing about finding work and finding a new place to live and trying to figure out what to do!"

8. So ALG asks her: "So So, to find work, and/or to find a new place to live -
what did you do yesterday? what have you done today? what will you do tomorrow?"

9. Rockchick replies: "I don't know yet when my money will run out, I'll find out next Monday. Until then it would be pointless to look for a place to live because I don't know when I'll need to move, and I also don't know if I'll have a job by then."


In summary:

- she wants to write, but she needs a website first.
- she can't have a website, because she's written nothing for it.
- she can't write anything, because she has to find work and a new place to live
- but it's pointless to find work, because she doesn't know yet whether her unemployment benefits will run out
- and it's pointless to find a new place, because she doesn't know yet when she needs to move

That is to say,

she can't do P,
because she needs Q first,
but she can't do Q,
because she hasn't done P,
and she can't do P,
because she needs to do R and S,
but she can't do R because it's pointless right now, and
she can't do S because it's pointless right now.

Anyway, she says that "next monday", she'll get some certainty around R and S. I'll be back next Monday, to see what new developments will occur to stop her from doing anything in her life then.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Indiana

I doubt it, not for anything worthwhile. The thoughts 'I can't imagine doing anything else' and 'I've always wanted to do this' are not at all incompatible with 'Oh my god, this is much harder than I expected' and 'I don't know how I'm going to get this done' and 'Maybe this is stupid and I should just do something else'. The difference is that whereas you listen to those second thoughts, they keep listening to the first ones. That's pretty much the simple formula for how goals get achieved.

Indiana, this was important for me to read right now. Thanks!!

[Bradshaw]

Rockchick.

Stop thinking.

Seriously, that's the root of the problem.

If you stop thinking, and just take action, everything will fall into place.

Stop. Thinking. You don't have an accurate model of reality anyway. You have no ideia what will happen anyway, no matter how much you think about it. You can only predict a bit.

Stop thinking, and take action.

There is no try, just do.

[Angela]

From Eric Berne's "Games People Play":

Why Don't You/Yes But

The first such game theorized was Why don't you/Yes, but in which one player (White) would pose a problem as if seeking help, and the other player(s) (Black) would offer solutions (the "Why don't you?" suggestion).

This game was noticed as many patients played it in therapy and psychiatry sessions, and inspired Berne to identify other interpersonal "games".
White would point out a flaw in every Black player's solution (the "Yes, but" response), until they all gave up in frustration. For example, if someone's life script was "to be hurt many times, and suffer and make others feel bad when I die" a game of "Why Don't You, Yes But" might proceed as follows:

White: I wish I could lose some weight.
Black: Why don't you join a gym?
W: Yes but, I can't afford the payments for a gym.
B: Why don't you speed walk around your block after you get home from work?
W: Yes but, I don't dare walk alone in my neighborhood after dark.
B: Why don't you take the stairs at work instead of the elevator?
W: Yes but, after my knee surgery, it hurts too much to walk that many flights of stairs.
B: Why don't you change your diet?
W: Yes but, my stomach is sensitive and I can tolerate only certain foods.

"Why Don't You, Yes But" can proceed indefinitely, with any number of players in the Black role, until Black's imagination is exhausted, and she can think of no other solutions. At this point, White "wins" by having stumped Black. After a silent pause following Black's final suggestion, the game is often brought to a formal end by a third role, Green, who makes a comment such as, "It just goes to show how difficult it is to lose weight."

The secondary gain for White was that he could claim to have justified his problem as insoluble and thus avoid the hard work of internal change; and for Black, to either feel the frustrated martyr ("I was only trying to help") or a superior being, disrespected ("the patient was uncooperative").

Superficially, this game can resemble Adult to Adult interaction (people
seeking information or advice), but more often, according to Berne, the game is played by White's helpless Child, and Black's lecturing Parent ego states.

Fun game, huh?

[Arboretor]

Originally Posted by Angela

From Eric Berne's "Games People Play":
Fun game, huh?

Yes, interesting... But has Berne found a way to break out of this fun game, to the benefit of White?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Arboretor

Yes, interesting... But has Berne found a way to break out of this fun game, to the benefit of White?

That book came out 46 years ago, and a lot has been studied about this stuff since then!

Like any game, just noticing you're playing it gives you power to choose something else, if you want to. There are infinite ways to break out of a pattern, if and when you're ready to.

Sometimes when someone breaks the pattern, it generates a whole new game that sometimes people don't notice they're playing. That's happened a few times in the Rockchick threads!

[Arboretor]

Originally Posted by Angela

Like any game, just noticing you're playing it gives you power to choose something else, if you want to. There are infinite ways to break out of a pattern, if and when you're ready to.

Rockchick isn't aware that she is playing out a typical behavioural pattern.
She honestly thinks that her life is so complicated, that she can't even go to the library. So that means she isn't ready?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Arboretor

Rockchick isn't aware that she is playing out a typical behavioural pattern.
She honestly thinks that her life is so complicated, that she can't even go to the library. So that means she isn't ready?

I can't say that for sure. Let's ask her. Rockchick, are you aware that you (and we here in your threads, too) are playing out a typical behavioural pattern?

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Angela

From Eric Berne's "Games People Play":

Fun game, huh?

There it is!

To me it looks like a way to feel as if there is something being done - on both sides. It is a lot of spining out that ends up on rockchick's "things to do list", which can be used to explain away all the sugestions that are pilling up on the pile that already has the felling of being pilled up. She now feels the need to keep us up to date and reply and defend actually.

Reading this thread made me question how it's helping. Like what are you getting out of this interaction rockchick? -- oh and I don't mind if you just answer that in your head and don't spend the time telling us.

In a way it is pretty cool how responsive and open you are and kind of unfretted about things (it seems). Now I know you will (or want to) write - "but this is all great stuff that everyone writes and I have lots of insight I didn't have". Or some other defense about this thread not really helping, only reinforcing the game Angel related.

Now for my suggestion for the pile of things you can't get to because there's a pile: read this book: Amazon.com: Stop Improving Yourself and Start Living (9780931432699): Roberta Jean Bryant: Books - or just read the title and get it. I actually got the book and then didn't read it (hahaha!!).

"Roberta Jean Bryant proposes that we get off the merry-go-round and move forward in our lives. She's not trashing traditional programs that deal with life threatening addictions, just pointing out the need to move past the illusion of change. Her book concerns itself with process, or, in other words, teaching you how to make your parts function together in a forward motion. It invites you to shed the artificial support structures and junkie-like cycles of perpetual recovery, and to live with self-acceptance."

[Angela]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

... or just read the title and get it. I actually got the book and then didn't read it (hahaha!!).

That is just so funny! I love that. Wouldn't it be funny if all the pages in that book were blank?

[ssandra]

Hi Rockchick,

A challenge for you. Try this for 1 day. If it works, try for another day. If it doesn't work, let us know why it didn't work. But only after you tried it. I know you can do this!! I just know you can!

If I can get my lazy ass out of bed and into the gym at 7am, you can do this! I promise you, you can do this!!

If the times do not agree with your usual getting up time, just feel free to change them to an hour later or earlier (or 2 or 3).

12.00 Getting up
12.30 Making breakfast
13.00 Eating breakfast
13.30 Cleaning up breakfast stuff
14.00 Sit down in front of your computer, turn off the internet, don't look at email. Don't open chat rooms. Just open up word.
14.05 Write 1 article in word (or notepad or even on pen and paper if you want) about what plants you are growing now and why. Don't bother with the HOW, just, why did you choose the plants you choose and which one did you choose.
Don't worry about spelling. Don't worry about it being perfect. Just write about it. Don't worry about finishing it. It doesn't have to be finished. Just write about it.
Set an alarm clock so you know when the time is up.
14:30 Break. Get a snack. Go to the bathroom. Watch some TV. DO NOT YET TURN THE INTERNET ON!
15:00 Read a bit of one of your ebooks
15:45 Go outside for a walk
16:00 Be inside again after your walk (Doesn't matter if it seems to short and pointless to you... just try it... for me..??)
16:05 Shower and get dressed
16:45 Eat a snack
17:00 Turn on your computer and be online for a while. Just do FUN stuff.. No researching. Just chatting, reading emails, being on forums.
Set an alarm so you know when your time is up. Tell people chatting with you that you only have 1 hour and will have to go afterward!!
18:00 Fun time over Research jobs. Pick 2. Do nothing with them yet. Just pick them. If you cannot choose, pick nr 4 and 6
19:00 Make some pictures. It is your hobby not your job, so don't worry about it. Just do it because you like doing it. Inside or outside. Nature or people.. whatever you want (just don't do sunsets because they turn out black )
19:30 Make dinner
20.00 Eat dinner
20.30 Clean up Dinner stuff.
21:00 Do Whatever You Want! Free time!! Spend it on forums. Research stuff. Read nice books. Just make sure you are having fun!!!!
03.00 Go to sleep

The day after you have a day off. You can do whatever you want to do, like you have always done before.

Let me know (here or via PM) how it worked. If it worked, I'll give you a new schedule for day 3. Trust me that this will work. Just do exactly what I write. You don't have to choose. You don't have to agree. You just have to DO.

I know you can do it. I know that you are capable of doing this. This is the first step in your new life and I just KNOW that you will succeed in this!!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Arboretor

I don't know that book. What does she recommend to do, to change that habitual 'refuse to choose'?

It's a book for people who are called "scanners" because they can't choose what they want to do because they have too many interests or they can't stick with any one thing very long. It describes me perfectly. And I never knew there were others like me, I thought there was something wrong with me, but turns out there is a whole bunch of us out there!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Arboretor

Your money is running out and you don't know where to live afterwards, but you have some more important things to do than looking for a job???

I HAVE been looking for jobs, every day! They're telling me to go to the library to VOLUNTEER. This is the same library that told me they had no job openings and they also told me they hired someone else instead of me. I'm really not getting my hopes up that they'll have ANYTHING for me to do. And if I already know I won't get paid (on the slim chance they would let me volunteer), I might as well celebrate a friend's birthday because to me that is more important than doing work for free.