I'm crazy

[MacFly]

Why I'm Crazy
I really feel like that. I lost interest in the world. I had a beautiful realization by reading PoN, but because of some depressive reflexes in me (I gotta have the most negative soul in the world) it turned into a great emptiness.
In this moment, to be honest, you can't give me nothing that'd really make me feel great (okay, except the hair I had, huh, I told you I'm crazy).

The Power Of the Now and it's effect on me
Tolle told that this realization would decrease the importance of "things", but in my case, it completely reduced it to zero. The value, the beauty, the power of the outer things, both good and bad. I feel like I don't need nothing. But, I don't think "I'm there", because I think life should be joyful, beautiful, and not empty how it is to me now.

Loss of fear
We're in a really bad financial situation right now (we can lose our house), and I noticed that I can make really calm and good decisions about these things because I completely lost all the fears I had about it. Completely. I don't have a job but I make a good money from my own business.

Why I feel it's still a problem
I don't feel good, and I think that is not normal. Plus, I think that there is still some inner pain/block or an old, negative, mechanic thought pattern in me that 1. blocks my intentions 2. makes me feel empty/bad.

My question
If I'm able to feel good on purpose, and I even see that when I feel good, 1. it feels good 2. things getting better , why I fall back into feeling empty/bad?

[Zas]

I think the "bad feelings" serve their purpose of defining a better possible future. It's where the capacity for growth is created. I think in life it's natural to fluctuate. And in order to have the greater potential for a positive experience, there needs to be a greater potential for being resistant to that . . .

So for me, it's all about maintaining a higher and higher average. I think pure positive experience is the trait of the nonphysical. We are experiencing life to create that greater potential of positivity . . . So I don't reach for "perfection," just "the best I can do right now."

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by MacFly

If I'm able to feel good on purpose, and I even see that when I feel good, 1. it feels good 2. things getting better , why I fall back into feeling empty/bad?

Buddha explained it.

There is one more step you missed. You need to love and care for others.

[MacFly]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Buddha explained it.

There is one more step you missed. You need to love and care for others.

thanks for your answer, I'll see what's up with that.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by MacFly

My question
If I'm able to feel good on purpose, and I even see that when I feel good, 1. it feels good 2. things getting better , why I fall back into feeling empty/bad?

A few things come to mind -

Some people have a sense of not-deserving good feelings. The experience of feeling good itself triggers uncomfortable emotion.

I think unprocessed emotion gets stored. When things are going well, and there's no other uncomfortable emotion to deal with immediately, the mind sometimes seems to say - "Oh hey, now that you're doing better, let's start dealing with this stuff we put on hold.". And uncomfortable stuff comes to the surface to be resolved.

If there things in your life that hit up against unpleasant-feeling triggers that are present in your emotional landscape, then you'll probably hit those triggers going about your normal day to day life. You'll feel good for a while, until you hit one of those triggers.

[blossom]

As an extension of what PWL said, it could be that you are so used to feeling bad, that this is what you automatically revert to whenever you start feeling good or trying to, just because it is so unfamiliar to you to feel good?

Sometimes we can get addicted to feeling a certain way, especially when it's neg. It's like a form of self-punishment if you like!

Does this sound at all possible in your case?

[MacFly]

Originally Posted by blossom

As an extension of what PWL said, it could be that you are so used to feeling bad, that this is what you automatically revert to whenever you start feeling good or trying to, just because it is so unfamiliar to you to feel good?

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

I think unprocessed emotion gets stored. When things are going well, and there's no other uncomfortable emotion to deal with immediately, the mind sometimes seems to say - "Oh hey, now that you're doing better, let's start dealing with this stuff we put on hold.". And uncomfortable stuff comes to the surface to be resolved.

both sounds very true to me. you just described how it exactly happens from time to time.

[Manomanman]

Simple question:

How can you be so depressed when you've got the most awesome avatar on the entire forum!?

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by MacFly

Loss of fear
We're in a really bad financial situation right now (we can lose our house),

Can you get out some of the equity and start renting a different house?

I have completely given up on the idea of buying a house. WAY too much of a liability.

I'll be talking about why I am never going to own a home in and up-coming blog post.

I don't think you're crazy from what I'm reading - your brain seems to be functioning normally. You're going through some tough times, which is just stress.

Stress sucks and I talk about busting mine frequently in my writing.

[Permafrost]

I don't think you are at all - I'm kind of in the same boat. I've detached from my very personal experience to the point where I don't take myself seriously, and thus not much phases me. All the things that used to bother me about the world and my life and myself, simply don't anymore. I have endless patience and tolerance for others, but can't get caught up in their drama either, even if it's horrific to them or would have been to me, once. Alan Watts talks about this disconnect and he says that eventually you emerge out the other side where life lives you instead of you living it, etc. etc. but I'm not there yet. It's a weird limbo to be in, but kind of neat in a way. Much better than taking everything so personally and being wrapped up in your own drama and minutia, but also very strange and feelingless.

[MacFly]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

Can you get out some of the equity and start renting a different house?

I have completely given up on the idea of buying a house. WAY too much of a liability.

I'll be talking about why I am never going to own a home in and up-coming blog post.

I completely understand where you're coming from, but I don't live in the US. In my country, renting even a flat costs so much compared to our salaries that you only do it when it's the only choice. To help you understand, in my city we earn around $500 a month, a monthly cost of a flat is around $300, renting one is around $150. then you'd have $50 a month to eat.

[MacFly]

Originally Posted by Permafrost

I don't think you are at all - I'm kind of in the same boat. I've detached from my very personal experience to the point where I don't take myself seriously, and thus not much phases me. All the things that used to bother me about the world and my life and myself, simply don't anymore. I have endless patience and tolerance for others, but can't get caught up in their drama either, even if it's horrific to them or would have been to me, once. Alan Watts talks about this disconnect and he says that eventually you emerge out the other side where life lives you instead of you living it, etc. etc. but I'm not there yet. It's a weird limbo to be in, but kind of neat in a way. Much better than taking everything so personally and being wrapped up in your own drama and minutia, but also very strange and feelingless.

yeah I also feel that I'm kind of halfway. I can detach from most problems, but still not happy. I have to miss something which has to be in front of my eyes, so close I don't even think about it, it must be something I think about as a part of me.

[MacFly]

now I'm at the point where I'm not depressed, sad really, but I don't know what the hell I want, and I realized that it is my first and most important problem

I created these fake desires, and constantly told myself that THIS and THIS is why I'm not happy, but in an honest moment, where I realized that my actions aren't aligned with those desires, I realized that none of those things would make me happy.

when your actions (which are completely your choices) aren't aligned with those desires, honestly think about that for a moment.