Beating Bulimia

[butterflyeffect]

I noticed a few threads where different people have posted their progresion towards their goals and I want to do the same.

My name is Amy S., I'm turning 21 in June and I intend to overcome bulimia by my 21st birthday.

I promise not to lie in this thread, over the years I've been sick I've found I've constantly had to lie about everything. I constantly steal or buy food and then consume it. I exersize obessively at the gym and binge straight afterwards, I don't enjoy it, I hate it. I have been hospitalised and tried to beat it for the last 5 years. I have been running at the same brickwal for the last five years, desperate to lose weight and then over eating and gaining weight.

My Eating disorder thrives on secrecy and thats why I want to share. Lots of people have eating disorder hidden in secret and shame and the saddest thing is it just keeps fueling the whole thing.

I know the solution must sound simple - just stop doing it and I have tried to and Im always trying to but unfortunatley its a little more complex than that.

My goals for wellness are:

- To only eat at meal and snack times the appropriate quanities specified in my meal plan from the dietician
- To attend the gym every morning and not over eat afterwards
- Not to steal any extra food or snacks
- Have a room that is free from candy wrappers permantly
- Have insulin levels under 10
- Be a healthy weight
- Lose the excess kilos the ed caused
- Be able to eat mindfully and notice the food and its textures not bolt and swallow

My goals for the week are:
- Im going to follow my meal plan
- Im not going to woolworths for the rest of the week ( i normally go twice a day)
- I will not buy extra food from the video store or convenience stores at uni or work
- I will not eat at McDonalds
- I'll continue to practise meditation

Cool, well to give you a better perspective, I see a specialist psychiatrist, doctor, naturopath, I have attended day programs, hospital programs and see a personal trainer 2x a week and a dietician. So I know what to do, its doing it that I find the tricky part, haha as well as financing the whole operation..! = p

Smiles and virtual hugs to everyone xxx

[roxyruby]

hahaha bulimia yep I would over-eat in secret, like at my grandmas house I would rumage through her kitchen when she wasn't around and cook and eat stuff up, ofcourse keeping everything secret and hidden!!! I'm going out soon but when I can I'll give you some advice and tips!

[butterflyeffect]

Oh dear, poor grandparents they always seem to be the target for food raids. I used to steal my grandparents chocolates and hide up my jumper during visits. I would love to hear any advice you have, I have read your other thread and you seem to be so fantastically. Congratulations!!!! xxx

[AlinaK]

This is really inspirational as I have a bit of an ED. Not to the point of being hospitalized, but I am on the brink. I planned it this way, to be really thin and not be a thin which would send me to an eating clinic. My friend went to one and they made her eat disgusting food.

I am happy for you,
My thinness is what keeps me sane.

[anniecooper]

Amy, im close to sydney if you ever need some support

Stay strong!

[roxyruby]

Over-eating is based on lies, we need to question our thoughts that allow us to over-eat.

All over-eating is caused by at least one enabling thought. Our thoughts have great control over us.

The enabling thought may be "it's ok, eating this won't make any difference, I can lose weight later"

or "I don't care, I just want it!!!"

"Food gives me comfort and makes me feel better"

etc etc etc

But we need to separate thoughts and facts. For the first thought, over-eating that WILL make a difference because it is over-eating precisely that leads to people being overweight or obese. Over-eating, binging, eating like crazy is ok when done rarely or not very often, maybe you could get away with it once a week, but if you're over-eating 2 days in a row or more it WILL make a difference and this behaviour WILL eventually make you overweight or obese.

And for "Food gives me comfort and makes me feel better" Really? Do you feel comforted and feel better when you feel sick and in pain from eating so much and regret it? Do you feel comforted and feel better when you can't fit your favourite clothes anymore? Do you feel comforted and feel better when you're at a weight you're not happy with? Do you feel comforted and feel better when you feel depressed and hopeless from over-eating again when you didn't want to do that?

Or would you feel more comforted and feel most better if you were at a weight you were most happy with?

The thought that over-eating gives comfort and makes you feel better is usually a total lie, for me, a belief created perhaps when I was little and my dad gave me junk food to comfort me when I was upset

What might be the cause of this belief for you?

That's just an idea, you need to question the thoughts that lead you to over-eat basically.

Ofcourse, if you don't mind or like being overweight, and understand the possible health risks it's all good! As long as you're happy and feel beautiful as you are cause you are

[roxyruby]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Oh dear, poor grandparents they always seem to be the target for food raids. I used to steal my grandparents chocolates and hide up my jumper during visits. I would love to hear any advice you have, I have read your other thread and you seem to be so fantastically. Congratulations!!!! xxx

Thank you sweet heart ! Yeah same sort of! Like I might steal some food to take home and eat later! Poor grandparents, but they are the ones always offering food and trying to get you to eat more anyway! (well mine anyway) ^ ^

[KtotheB]

{{hugz}} Butterfly! You can overcome this.

Remember the Real You is not your body; the Real You is awareness, or soul that resides in your body. Sometimes when people change shift their identity away from their body, they find it easier to treat it with Love.

peace & Love to you ~ xoxo

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you everyone for your love and support. I do really appreciate it.

And Alina, darling I completely understand your feelings about treatment centres but their not all bad and its really short term pain for long term gain. I'm not going to lecture but Im glad my journey can inspire you.

Thank you RoxyRuby, you raised some really interesting points, Im going to work through those this weekend and let you know all how I go.

And KB, thank you for the reminder. I often forgot Im not my thoughts and get lost in the obsessions which never leads anywhere good.

Well I'll check in a couple of times a week and let you all know how Im progressing and keep accountable. Ahh Im a therapists dream!! =p

I have had a successful week this week. Thank you everyone for your support, it really made a huge difference.

I haven't been to Woolworths yet!! The staff must be wondering whats happened to me? They all know me by name and interest there....

I've been practising meditation and the interesting thing is I found at the core of the illness for me was anxiety. If i don't do x - Im going to: starve later, be hungry later, be vulnerable or get really fat.
I have just been sitting with the feelings instead of blocking them with the Ed which is really good.

And despite great anxiety I have been following my meal plan roughly. And of course walking my super lazy minature dashund scooter and going to the gym. The only one not enjoying the exersize is scooter who hides when he sees the leash and growls....the vet explained his just lazy!!!

Virtual hugs and postive vibes xxxxx

[roxyruby]

you're welcome! much love xox

[butterflyeffect]

Below is a letter I have written to my Eating Disorder this morning to thank him for his services and remove him from life. I feel much more peaceful now.

Dear Ed,

Thank you for your services over the past five years. I created you to help me solve the problems I faced. I looked at my life and saw an empty tool box, and wondered how was I to manage all this stress. Together, we created an army of self protection. Thank you for your loyal service and enlistment. I write to notify you htat you are being honourably discharged. I will no longer be needing your services as where I am going life isn't scary and I have a full tool box of new recruits to take me there. So, now we must part ways permantly.

Please not my gratitude for the following services:

- Weight gain, while I may not have appreciated your presence or ever truly like you, I now accept you lovingly and want to thank you for your protection. Over the coming months I am going to be setting you free as I no longer require your services.

- Size 14-16 your stay in my wardrobe has been appreciated. Thank you for clothing the body I abused. I have entered a new partnership with food and will no longer be needing your services.

- A warm welcome back to sizes 8 and 10. I have missed your presence in my wardrobe and look forward to seeing your arrival over the coming months.

- To my medications, your willingness to minimise the pain caused to my body by Ed and I is much appreciated. My body and I are now at peace so you are free to leave once the healing is complete.

- To food, I have been a terrible client. Ed and I have misuesed your services and would like to change our contract to service my nutritional needs rather tahn the emotional ones.

- Fear, thank you for showing me the areas of my life I must work one. Your guidanc is appreciated although I need to remind you that you serve as a guide not a master. I look forward to facing those fears over the coming months.

Again, thank you all for your services and protection. You need not worry about me as I will have a new army of positive behaviors to protect me. There is no need to visit me ever again and wish all the best on your future journeys.

Love Always,

Amy

[butterflyeffect]

Well, since working through the benifits for me of staying overweight I gained some valuable insight into why I am resistant to losing weight and self sabotage my weight loss without realising im doing it until after Im finished doing it.

I have been using the excess kilo's as a barrier to everything I am afraid of, I honestly believe that if I am overweight, no one will date me or find me attractive, I can't travel or move out of home or pursue a career path. This is all obvioulsy untrue but feels REAL on a deep level. But if I lose wieght I then might have to deal with all these fears so I don't lose enough weight!!
Despite really wanting to be slim and healthy.

Solution: I am going to face the fears that are holding me back despite feeling I am too fat to be allowed to them.

And I have been. This week I went out with my friends on the weekend and made a commitment to my parents and myself that I am moving into college at the begining of next year regardless of what i may weigh.

These decisions and the meditation have meant that I am now aware of when Im full and I've stopped eating. Or if I suddenly feel hungry I will wait and then realise Im just anxious and not start eating and address the anxiety!!

So dethroning the Eating disorder and fears associated with it is going well.

[shannon smith]

Hi Butterflyeffect,
I see alot of caring folks on this board. Roxyruby gave sound advice. Along with the advice of these others and the techniques they are offering I would add to use mindfulness. Be conscious of your thoughts. Be aware at all times of what you are thinking and also try to figure out why you came to those thoughts. Investigate whom you are by your thoughts. Be aware at all times what you are thining. Begin the day, reminding yourself that you were not born with this problem. You can overcome it. Write out every morning how you want to react to situations. Have a plan. If you are tempted to do something you do not want to do- redirect the energy- get away- go for a walk- feel the freedom of being whom you want to be and pat yourself on the back. If you find yourself in the aftermath of doing something you do not really want to do- analyze and learn from the trigger that made you react, observe yourself, gently but firmly tell your subconsiouss mind that you are in control

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you Shannon, there was alot of very powerful advice packed in your post.

I do practice mindfullness but not consistently and it was an excellent reminder to be the master of my own thoughts. I really like Roxy's advice and I have been much kinder to myself lately.

I did fall off the band wagon and eat a few extra tubs of ice cream last week. I didn't stay completely mindful or get completly wrapped up in the behaviors. It was a sort of strange experience, where I watched myself do it from a birds eye view, examined the rationale and prevented half of it from happening but allowed some behaviors to continue. All steps in the right direction.

I have moved into College now and I am just keeping my life very simple. I just bought in the basic items that I need. I need cleanliness and order to feel centered so I am starting that process by keeping things simple. Fewer possesions leads to less mess.

[shannon smith]

You are more than welcome.
I'm glad you are on the "right" path. We all have things we want to do better. I learned along time ago that freedom isn't going about doing everything you think you want to do. Freedom is not being enslaved by habits that become our masters. Instead, we should delare ourselves the master of our own actions and that starts with thought, with the root being the subconsious mind. I've also had the training (see my link) to know that folks that are successful in life always afirm what they love instead of shrinking in fear.
For example: An unsuccessful person might say "I don't want to eat that cake because I don't want to get fat." The successful person would say, "I don't want to eat that cake because I love being energetic, feeling healthy and being trim." There's a significant difference in the thinking and alot of this is programmed into us at an early age. The good news is that we can change the programming.
Just my opinions.
Take care

[neilpage]

Oh' my dear, I hope you find wellness and true safe place in side yourself to find your truth in whom you are... a winner! to me! God speed to you!

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you NP. It means alot. And I think with all my heart I will find that place and alllow all love to flow from there. xx

I felt anxious and hungry today just moments ago and I sat with it. Lovingly accepting it and just soothing myself with music and quiet time and the terror passed. It passed and that my friends is a glorious feeling.

I have been feeling alot of angst in my home the last few days. I am home from College for a long weekend and I have been observing my families interactions. We keep tearing each other apart with criticism but yet there is so much love. I just want to focus on sharing and enjoying the love.

Eating at the table as a family is stressful. Everyone is just oozing tension and food comments. The atmosphere is hostile and I feel myself prickling and eating as quickly as possible and then seeking to get out of there. So my dislike of cooking has obvious roots but I am choosing to move past that now. I can see I don't mind cooking but Im not a fan of baking per se.

[butterflyeffect]

Still involved in my weird little food routines and my weight is remaining high and stable. Back to where it was originally.....oh well, guess I just have some more work to do. No matter, its not the destination but the journey

[laneyb]

Forgive me, I haven't read through all the posts on this topic, but I have struggled with my own eating issues (mostly binge eating and anorexia). I got through it with a lot of visualization and alternative spiritual healing therapy. I really like this site and they have a whole section on meditation and some guided visualization downloads for bulimia, binge eating, etc.

Hypnosis and Guided Meditation Downloads | RECOVER...

The Zen of Recovery– Using Meditation to help Binge Eating Disorder | RECOVER...

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you LaneyB, i will check out those websites. Its always great to hear from people who have recovered from eating issues. xx

[geniegal]

Hi Butterfly Effect

we connected in this thread lat year I think - you sound like there a re a lot more bright spots in your life and you are progressing.

I have been having hypnotherapy for my compulsive eating and it's helping (see link to blog below) Very up and down, just like you say. Today I just went to my son's nursery and they said they were concerned by his lack of speech, which triggered overeating - notice I am triying to avoid the word binge..oops there I didit.

Is there some creative activity you can do that absorbs you and makes you forget Ed? It might be really simple like painting

[butterflyeffect]

Wow, its been ages since I have wrote on here.

I am still going with my recovery journey through life.

I have tried hypnotherapy in the past and I really liked it when it was used for relaxation but not so much in terms of cognitive change. I felt really resistant to it but that way a few years ago and im open to trying it again.

At the moment I meditate daily which is really helpful and write a gratitude list and do other affirmative gestures. I find the more I truly love myself the easier life becomes.

Then in terms of creative outlets, I have been developing my passion for make up, styling and photography. I love fashion in general, so now I use my spare time to create look books, collage make up looks and practice my make up skills. It is incredibly absorbing activity!! I find myself spending the money previously allocated to food on new courses to further my skills and other more life affirming pursuits. And I have taken up colouring in!! I colour in these really intricate pictures and stick them up on my walls. It affirms that im getting better ever time I see them.

[Sandstone]

You sound as though you are in a wonderful place. Congratulations! Best of luck to you.

[butterflyeffect]

Thanks Sandstone

Struggling a little reccently. Just finished my Uni exams and for the last week I have been struggling with the binge purge cycle. I keep reminding the bathroom sink is not my friend and trying to avoid the shops. I know its just a phase and Im getting better each day but sometimes I'm just over it and having try so hard.

[rawxstasy]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Thanks Sandstone

Struggling a little reccently. Just finished my Uni exams and for the last week I have been struggling with the binge purge cycle. I keep reminding the bathroom sink is not my friend and trying to avoid the shops. I know its just a phase and Im getting better each day but sometimes I'm just over it and having try so hard.

I know how you feel. I don't have bulemia but I've struggled with other issues. Try going for walks or other methods you like to deal with stress. Just keep at it, eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.