Beating Bulimia

[butterflyeffect]

I noticed a few threads where different people have posted their progresion towards their goals and I want to do the same.

My name is Amy S., I'm turning 21 in June and I intend to overcome bulimia by my 21st birthday.

I promise not to lie in this thread, over the years I've been sick I've found I've constantly had to lie about everything. I constantly steal or buy food and then consume it. I exersize obessively at the gym and binge straight afterwards, I don't enjoy it, I hate it. I have been hospitalised and tried to beat it for the last 5 years. I have been running at the same brickwal for the last five years, desperate to lose weight and then over eating and gaining weight.

My Eating disorder thrives on secrecy and thats why I want to share. Lots of people have eating disorder hidden in secret and shame and the saddest thing is it just keeps fueling the whole thing.

I know the solution must sound simple - just stop doing it and I have tried to and Im always trying to but unfortunatley its a little more complex than that.

My goals for wellness are:

- To only eat at meal and snack times the appropriate quanities specified in my meal plan from the dietician
- To attend the gym every morning and not over eat afterwards
- Not to steal any extra food or snacks
- Have a room that is free from candy wrappers permantly
- Have insulin levels under 10
- Be a healthy weight
- Lose the excess kilos the ed caused
- Be able to eat mindfully and notice the food and its textures not bolt and swallow

My goals for the week are:
- Im going to follow my meal plan
- Im not going to woolworths for the rest of the week ( i normally go twice a day)
- I will not buy extra food from the video store or convenience stores at uni or work
- I will not eat at McDonalds
- I'll continue to practise meditation

Cool, well to give you a better perspective, I see a specialist psychiatrist, doctor, naturopath, I have attended day programs, hospital programs and see a personal trainer 2x a week and a dietician. So I know what to do, its doing it that I find the tricky part, haha as well as financing the whole operation..! = p

Smiles and virtual hugs to everyone xxx

[roxyruby]

hahaha bulimia yep I would over-eat in secret, like at my grandmas house I would rumage through her kitchen when she wasn't around and cook and eat stuff up, ofcourse keeping everything secret and hidden!!! I'm going out soon but when I can I'll give you some advice and tips!

[butterflyeffect]

Oh dear, poor grandparents they always seem to be the target for food raids. I used to steal my grandparents chocolates and hide up my jumper during visits. I would love to hear any advice you have, I have read your other thread and you seem to be so fantastically. Congratulations!!!! xxx

[AlinaK]

This is really inspirational as I have a bit of an ED. Not to the point of being hospitalized, but I am on the brink. I planned it this way, to be really thin and not be a thin which would send me to an eating clinic. My friend went to one and they made her eat disgusting food.

I am happy for you,
My thinness is what keeps me sane.

[anniecooper]

Amy, im close to sydney if you ever need some support

Stay strong!

[roxyruby]

Over-eating is based on lies, we need to question our thoughts that allow us to over-eat.

All over-eating is caused by at least one enabling thought. Our thoughts have great control over us.

The enabling thought may be "it's ok, eating this won't make any difference, I can lose weight later"

or "I don't care, I just want it!!!"

"Food gives me comfort and makes me feel better"

etc etc etc

But we need to separate thoughts and facts. For the first thought, over-eating that WILL make a difference because it is over-eating precisely that leads to people being overweight or obese. Over-eating, binging, eating like crazy is ok when done rarely or not very often, maybe you could get away with it once a week, but if you're over-eating 2 days in a row or more it WILL make a difference and this behaviour WILL eventually make you overweight or obese.

And for "Food gives me comfort and makes me feel better" Really? Do you feel comforted and feel better when you feel sick and in pain from eating so much and regret it? Do you feel comforted and feel better when you can't fit your favourite clothes anymore? Do you feel comforted and feel better when you're at a weight you're not happy with? Do you feel comforted and feel better when you feel depressed and hopeless from over-eating again when you didn't want to do that?

Or would you feel more comforted and feel most better if you were at a weight you were most happy with?

The thought that over-eating gives comfort and makes you feel better is usually a total lie, for me, a belief created perhaps when I was little and my dad gave me junk food to comfort me when I was upset

What might be the cause of this belief for you?

That's just an idea, you need to question the thoughts that lead you to over-eat basically.

Ofcourse, if you don't mind or like being overweight, and understand the possible health risks it's all good! As long as you're happy and feel beautiful as you are cause you are

[roxyruby]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Oh dear, poor grandparents they always seem to be the target for food raids. I used to steal my grandparents chocolates and hide up my jumper during visits. I would love to hear any advice you have, I have read your other thread and you seem to be so fantastically. Congratulations!!!! xxx

Thank you sweet heart ! Yeah same sort of! Like I might steal some food to take home and eat later! Poor grandparents, but they are the ones always offering food and trying to get you to eat more anyway! (well mine anyway) ^ ^

[KtotheB]

{{hugz}} Butterfly! You can overcome this.

Remember the Real You is not your body; the Real You is awareness, or soul that resides in your body. Sometimes when people change shift their identity away from their body, they find it easier to treat it with Love.

peace & Love to you ~ xoxo

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you everyone for your love and support. I do really appreciate it.

And Alina, darling I completely understand your feelings about treatment centres but their not all bad and its really short term pain for long term gain. I'm not going to lecture but Im glad my journey can inspire you.

Thank you RoxyRuby, you raised some really interesting points, Im going to work through those this weekend and let you know all how I go.

And KB, thank you for the reminder. I often forgot Im not my thoughts and get lost in the obsessions which never leads anywhere good.

Well I'll check in a couple of times a week and let you all know how Im progressing and keep accountable. Ahh Im a therapists dream!! =p

I have had a successful week this week. Thank you everyone for your support, it really made a huge difference.

I haven't been to Woolworths yet!! The staff must be wondering whats happened to me? They all know me by name and interest there....

I've been practising meditation and the interesting thing is I found at the core of the illness for me was anxiety. If i don't do x - Im going to: starve later, be hungry later, be vulnerable or get really fat.
I have just been sitting with the feelings instead of blocking them with the Ed which is really good.

And despite great anxiety I have been following my meal plan roughly. And of course walking my super lazy minature dashund scooter and going to the gym. The only one not enjoying the exersize is scooter who hides when he sees the leash and growls....the vet explained his just lazy!!!

Virtual hugs and postive vibes xxxxx

[roxyruby]

you're welcome! much love xox

[butterflyeffect]

Below is a letter I have written to my Eating Disorder this morning to thank him for his services and remove him from life. I feel much more peaceful now.

Dear Ed,

Thank you for your services over the past five years. I created you to help me solve the problems I faced. I looked at my life and saw an empty tool box, and wondered how was I to manage all this stress. Together, we created an army of self protection. Thank you for your loyal service and enlistment. I write to notify you htat you are being honourably discharged. I will no longer be needing your services as where I am going life isn't scary and I have a full tool box of new recruits to take me there. So, now we must part ways permantly.

Please not my gratitude for the following services:

- Weight gain, while I may not have appreciated your presence or ever truly like you, I now accept you lovingly and want to thank you for your protection. Over the coming months I am going to be setting you free as I no longer require your services.

- Size 14-16 your stay in my wardrobe has been appreciated. Thank you for clothing the body I abused. I have entered a new partnership with food and will no longer be needing your services.

- A warm welcome back to sizes 8 and 10. I have missed your presence in my wardrobe and look forward to seeing your arrival over the coming months.

- To my medications, your willingness to minimise the pain caused to my body by Ed and I is much appreciated. My body and I are now at peace so you are free to leave once the healing is complete.

- To food, I have been a terrible client. Ed and I have misuesed your services and would like to change our contract to service my nutritional needs rather tahn the emotional ones.

- Fear, thank you for showing me the areas of my life I must work one. Your guidanc is appreciated although I need to remind you that you serve as a guide not a master. I look forward to facing those fears over the coming months.

Again, thank you all for your services and protection. You need not worry about me as I will have a new army of positive behaviors to protect me. There is no need to visit me ever again and wish all the best on your future journeys.

Love Always,

Amy

[butterflyeffect]

Well, since working through the benifits for me of staying overweight I gained some valuable insight into why I am resistant to losing weight and self sabotage my weight loss without realising im doing it until after Im finished doing it.

I have been using the excess kilo's as a barrier to everything I am afraid of, I honestly believe that if I am overweight, no one will date me or find me attractive, I can't travel or move out of home or pursue a career path. This is all obvioulsy untrue but feels REAL on a deep level. But if I lose wieght I then might have to deal with all these fears so I don't lose enough weight!!
Despite really wanting to be slim and healthy.

Solution: I am going to face the fears that are holding me back despite feeling I am too fat to be allowed to them.

And I have been. This week I went out with my friends on the weekend and made a commitment to my parents and myself that I am moving into college at the begining of next year regardless of what i may weigh.

These decisions and the meditation have meant that I am now aware of when Im full and I've stopped eating. Or if I suddenly feel hungry I will wait and then realise Im just anxious and not start eating and address the anxiety!!

So dethroning the Eating disorder and fears associated with it is going well.

[butterflyeffect]

Dear Ed,

Without you I feel sad. The tears keep coming and I don't know how to make them stop. I'd ask you to come back but your half the reason their there.
Without you I feel vulnerable and sad. Make the sadness go away? No, well, I guess I'll just do it myself then.

I miss u. I love u but I don't want you back. Best of luck.

Amy

[secrets0stolen]

<<hugs>>
I struggled with an eating disorder a while back. I overcame it, I actually don't know how or why (so unfortunately I can't give you any advice there). But I can empathize and send you all the moral support I can muster. Keeping secrets is hard, but it's worse when you know the thing you are keeping secret is hurting you.
sending you love <3

[carenkh]

You might find this series by Christine Kane helpful - she overcame bulimia herself. I love her whole blog - I've been reading it since it was just about her roadtrips as a musician, and now she's got an incredibly successful coaching business. I see the same growth for you!!

Healing Bulimia and Addictive Eating That links to part 1, you can move on to the other parts at the top of each post.

And a two-parter: Bad, Bored and Bulimic

You're not alone on this healing journey!

[butterflyeffect]

Darling -

I miss you. I know I shouldn't but I do. Everytime I think of you I want to cry.

Love Always,

Amy

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you for the link Caren, I have looked at it and it is really helpful. Its always good to hear from people who have been through it and come out healthy.

Secrets Stolen - thank you for the moral support. : ) I'm really pleased you overcame it. I'm struggling with it at the moment but I look forward to being able to go, what bulimia? Oh that was years ago...

And as for Ed, Im not sure how i was misguided enough to think I missed you. Our temporary reunion this weekend was awful and I have no idea why i have such mixed feelings about you.

Much love to everyone. THank you all for your views and messages of support. x

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I have been using the excess kilo's as a barrier to everything I am afraid of, I honestly believe that if I am overweight, no one will date me or find me attractive, I can't travel or move out of home or pursue a career path. This is all obvioulsy untrue but feels REAL on a deep level. But if I lose wieght I then might have to deal with all these fears so I don't lose enough weight!!
Despite really wanting to be slim and healthy.

Solution: I am going to face the fears that are holding me back despite feeling I am too fat to be allowed to them.

There is another approach.

You can tell yourself that even if you are slim and healthy, you don't have to pursue all those other things (travelling; moving out of home; pursuing a career); or alternatively you could pursue them at your pace, whatever pace feels comfortable to you. You can decide how quickly you want to proceed, with any of your goals or aspirations. It's all up to you.

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you for that advice Godot. I like it. I am going to try and integrate that idea into my thinking. Lately, everytime I think about getting well it just feels overwhelming and anxiety provoking. But I think if I slow down a little and take it slower I might be more successful.

I have been struggling this week with the eating disorder. I just feel really agitated and frustrated about the whole thing. I feel enormous grief and sadness when I think about Ed and what I used to be like. I think I have to work through the mixed feelings. I don't want to be sick anymore but somehow it feels like what would I do if I wasn't sick?

I think I have developed an identity as the sick one or the bulimic one. So I'm trying to create a new identity or rediscover myself without the ed. Its hard but im getting there.

[butterflyeffect]

Hi Caren, Thank you again for the link to Christine Kane's blog. I really like her blog. I have found alot of peace from reading about her journey with bulimia. Thank you for sharing it with me. I really would like to be able to lead a similiar path and share my experiences with overcoming the illness and developing a richer life once I get out of the cycle. Thank you and thanks for reading my posts.

[butterflyeffect]

This is hard.

I just wanted to acknowledge that this journey is challening. I am a much stronger person for it though and I have been thinking back to who I was before I got sick and the person I am now and aside from the excess weight, Im better. I'm stronger, Im more truthful and open, less angry and confused. Yes its challenging, but its going to be so fantastic to look back in a year, two years or even ten years and say did I really think that? Oh dear and laugh.

Thank you everyone for your support and validation. Thank you to those people who have read but not commented. Its really good to be heard, for this not to be a secret and to hear your advice.

I never knew who I was before I got sick, I clearly didn't while I was sick, but right now I think im starting to get a good idea. So thank you ed for teaching me and thank you to everyone else for helping me learn. YOu have my gratidue.

Love xx

[butterflyeffect]

I always thought that in order to get well, everyone else had to be able to see. Like wellness is tangible. Im starting to come to the conclusion that wellness isn't tangible, its a feeling, a vibe, a smile, something you create for yourself. So Im over trying to prove im trying. I show up rain, hail or snow to try and get better. And i know deep down Im trying and thats what counts. Even if it kills me, I'll die trying.

[butterflyeffect]

Good morning fellow bloggers. )

Easter is over!!! Ahh im so pleased. I survived it fairly well even the chocolate part! I did avoid the Easter egg eating tradition because my variation of it isn't that healthy..so I had a 17g freddo instead.

I have been practising deep breathing and meditation daily now. I am much more aware of my feelings and constant anxiety. I can feel alot of anxiety within my body that im trying to release.

Buttt the good news is im doing much better on the relationship front. Rather than being a voluntary Nunn dating a weird guy called Ed, I went out over the weekend and met new people!! Suprise, suprise, they actually liked me and even the security guard at the club was hitting on me, though he thought my name was Emma and I was from the States...LOl nope. Sorrry people but the Jury is still out on that one...

I am seeing my trainer tomorrow morning. Ahh Im nervous because its doom day, time for the monthly measurements. I can't use easter as an excuse but I have tried really hard this month and I hope it shows. Im more worried about the trainers reaction than my weight...geee he has the dictator thing down pat!! Diagnostically, im meant to be obsessed with it..

I have given up on focusing so much on my wieght and size. Been there, done that, thrown up on the postcard. Next! So instead Im focusing on what I do want, my hopes, dreams and goals. For example I really want to date David Beckam...but in the meantime I'll stick to ordinary people.

So if your reading this, wish me luck for tommorow. I'm going to need it. Im really nervous!!!! I know i should be able to tell visually if Im smaler or bigger but i really can't. I can put on or lose a significant amount of weight and not be able to tell visually, I have to rely on scales or clothes. I learnt that a few years ago, my perception can be a little off. In other words, don't ask me if you look fat in those jeans!

Much love to you all xxxx

[butterflyeffect]

New challenge...

I did measurements this morning with my trainer and Im the same..not quite the result we were hoping for. I can see though all my anxiety manifested this result. One way or another the anxiety has to stop.

I am now practising sitting with my emotions. Its a rather strange process whereby instead of avoiding difficult feelings or getting overly involved in the feelings and becoming emotionally exhausted. Rather you just accept them, not get into why your angry, but say Im angry and sit down and keep taking deep breaths and become aware of your breath and avoid your mind until your in a position to explore the feelings without harming yourself. For example using food to numb emotions is harmful.

Also I have to start eating less. Thats something I never like to hear. I feel driven by two minds. One mind who wants to eat constantly and another who wishes to starve forever, rather than trying to conquer both minds I have decided to ignore them, accept their presence but follow the stability of my meal plan regardless of hunger or fullness. I can't really rely on my body to tell me accuaratley what it needs yet, I have distorted all the hormones and signals and need to get back into balance.

If anyone else is feeling overwhelmed and anxious with too much to do, I find taking five minutes and sitting in a quiet place and just breathing deeply very helpful.

[butterflyeffect]

Ok, time to step it up again. More exersize, less food. Thats right people, Im going to be eating lots of foods of the green and leafy things.
I already miss sugar...and fruit but I just have to get through the next six weeks of following a low gi diet and a really healthy exersize plan, no binging!~! and I will get success. I will lose weight! Sigh - I'v wanted it for too long to let a little hunger stand in the way.

[butterflyeffect]

Well I am still on the wellness path. I have done this so many times over the years, I can recite to you the hospital programs and Day Programs and probaly run my own support group!!!! Except I might skip some of the dodgier advice - like just sit with the feeling. A little more explanation needed I think!!

So often when I was in hospital I would get caught up in the underground eating disorder world. Its a different reality altogether, the venue used to access it doesn't matter, forums, pro-ana, hospital, sick friends, the conversations were always self defeating and ridden with anxiety and depair. We would discuss in detail the number of hospital admissions, lowest or highest weights, all time lows and the whole string of consequences an Eating disorder brings.

The force of the negativity was so strong, it was like you could touch it. So much barely veiled despair, will this kill me? You see, when you walk in for a hospital admission, its not as scary the second time, because chances are alot of the people you were in with last time, are back, their still struggling. These discussions of sickness just act to affirm the little critic in your mind who feeds you the lines, "you'll never get better. Your a failure. Your going to be sick forever." What else is scary is that those secrets you carry around, the fact that your scared to get better, you cheat on your meal plan and sometimes you give in just because you don't know you would be otherwise, well everyone knows them. People with eating disorders are often smart, talented, kind hearted and sticklers for detail. So don't think you can pass under the radar. So you get sucked into a vaccum of illness, the real world and normal people don't understand.

It can be argued that this network provides support even if it just because misery loves company. Engaging with people who understand is valuable, but constantly remiscing about past behaviors and destructive goals is unhealthy and just keeps you stuck. The truth is, your not alone, most of the population struggles with food and self worth issues. Your eating disorder doesn't make you special, it just provides a buffer between you and the world, so do underground networks. Yes, you get the empathy and support but can you really feel it? Or is your little critic there making sure that th positive benifit is drowned out with the reassurance, your there forever and no one is getting any better. I always try to hang out with only well people or people who are at a similiar stage in recovery to myself. Its not that I judge those who are sicker than me, but it struck me, i can't help you if i'm still sick and when offer advice its from the same mindset that created the problem in the first place. Truly, break free of the underground world, its baby steps and your going to fall at times but its better than sititng back and saying if I wasn't sick i could have...

[butterflyeffect]

I just read another thread which suggested, that the key to weight loss is just chanting over and over, "Am I really hungry?"

Its a great idea. Really fantastic and sure to work if the person was actually eating to calm physical hunger although what makes this process tricky is its rarely physical hunger, but anxiety, anger, or frustration masquerading as hunger.

Therefore I believe you have to deal with the underlying emotional issues, your eating style and general wellbeing rather than obsessivley chanting a single mantra.

[Lichterschachtel]

I think what's more important here is getting rid of Bulimia. Try to find an outlet for your feelings. When I am sad I draw. It doesn't solve my problems, it just gets rid of the negative emotions behind them. But somehow what always solves my problems is self-reflecting enough to truly understand the basis of it, and then telling someone. It's as if as soon as I turn my problems into words to tell someone else, they dissolve into the air, just like my words .

I don't know if that will work for you. But just remember, when you need support, the people here will surely give it to you, even though it is the Internet, we are still people that will send you lots of caring feelings <3.

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you. I appreciate the caring thoughts and advice. Your right, the key thing is recovering from the bulimia. Sometimes it just feels overwhelming.

I find sharing my feelings to be helpful. I used to attend alot of group therapy and whenever I go out with my friends and laugh and dance its like I can feel my problems slipping away. I can feel the anxiety tugging at me from time to time but its power is lost, all that matters is in the moment.

I feel really grateful to everyone for allowing me to share my secrets and feelings. I've come to believe that suppressing negative feelings doesn't make them go away, it just makes them hurt more, because you have to keep carrying them until you feel them.

Drawing is a good idea. I do like drawing, art, craft and dancing. Creativity seems to be the cure for obsession and overthinking.

[butterflyeffect]

As a previous over and under exersizer, I have finally struck the right balance between doing enough exersize and enjoying it.

The most powerful thing I have found is doing my exersize early in the morning before my day gets too busy. I like to go to the gym at abour 6.30am for an hour. I go in feeling tired and leave feeling energized. So don't let a little sleepiness stand in your way!!

I have tried going later in the day, but I find I get to busy and caught up in other things and it never happens. I have been going to the gym about 4 times a week in the mornings now for about six months. It was hard at first and I didn't enjoy it but after the initial adjustment period I got to like it and now its a habit. I go at a regular time every weekday morning. THe other thing I found is, exersizing by myself on the treadmill or bike gets boring fast. I watch every second go by and find myself wavering thinking, "I know I was meant to do twenty minutes cycling, but 15 is really ok." Whereas, going to a class at the gym or walking with someone is far more enjoyable. I get into the activity and theres a sense of teamwork, you can't quit because everyone's in it together!!