Beating Bulimia

[butterflyeffect]

My bedroom is my sanctuary and inspiration. I come in to it to relax or feel inspired. I always seem to be cleaning it out and removing all the junk that accumulates in it but its worth it.

Again, its clean up time. I had a friend sleepover and low and behold there was tons of mess under the bed. So I have cleaned that up and I am now cleaning and reorganising everything else. I live with my family and we are all working to clean up and organise the whole house. We have allowed it to get rather disorganised and are now regaining control.

Throwing things out feels wonderful. I feel like I am purging my life all this excess junk. Its a bit like losing weight. And best of all there are no candy wrappers anywhere. Because I don't binge or hide food in my room anymore!!! Its a fantastic feeling.

With everything I throw out I feel I am getting a tiny bit closer to my goals. I knew there was a reason I loved cleaning!!!

[butterflyeffect]

Beautiful, beautiful inner peace. So this what it feels to love oneself.

Life in my house has become peaceful. I take responsibility for my parents reactions and concerns. I accept that the reason they are concerned or agitated around me and food is because of my past behaviors. Thats okay. As I change so will they.

More and more I am separating myself and my desires from the obsessions and distractions. I'm not always able to stop myself being sidetracked but its progress.

[butterflyeffect]

Benifits of being Me:

I am grateful I am uniquely me because:

- I smile and the whole world opens up
- People always hug me
- I can help people simply by listening
- I can offer healing hugs
- People are nice to me
- I easily get things I want
- I'm still learning and discovering the world
- I am filled with so much possibility and potential

[marinik]

Wow this was beautiful! The whole world is yours to discover!

[butterflyeffect]

I am starting to understand myself a little better. I have watched as I come out of my shell people flock to me. I seem to have an abundance of friends and compliments. I am naturally bubbly and happy and people want to hang out with me.

Classic pattern:

I start losing weight, disengaging from ED behaviors and enjoying life. In the process I start to make lots of new friends and get heaps of compliments and asked out to do lots of things.

I get anxious and feel overwhelmed. I catastrophise and imagine that I am just going to get swamped with too many people. I blame it all on the weight loss and go put all the weight back on again and use my ED to isolate.

I get lonely and fed up and process starts again without me really being consciously aware of it.

***

Now that I have identified the pattern I can choose to create a new way of handling the situation.

I am currently returning to my bodies natural size and that causes me some anxiety and obsession and I feel a vulnerable without the ED. At the same time I am super excited about all the courses and holidays I intend to start. Issue, I am trying to keep a foot in both worlds on some level. I seem to want to keep people at a certain distance to allow myself the space to feel more safe and comfortable.

I notice I am fine with meeting new friends and its when I percieve the frienship as getting deeper without my active consent that I often tend to get nervous and uneasy. Like I am being boxed in. I think that is reminscint of issues I had in primary school. Usually I felt pushed into friendships with people despite not really liking them because I felt there was no one else. I am resisting close friends sometimes because I don't like that limiting boxed in feeling. Something to work through. Again a boundary issue, how to maintain my own boundaries.


I am struggling to have my physical boundaries heard, particularly in regard to sexual attention. When i get unwanted attention I back away, my voice gets high pitch, I tense up and clench my fists and start looking for an exit and this always seems to go unnoticed. I think I need to do some work on allowing myself a different way of voicing my boundaries. At the moment they are all non verbal.

I think I am wanting to have my own space and boundaries heard. When I allow them to be violated I feel vulnerable, weak and powerless. Therefore I overeat/exersize etc to avoid feeling weak or powerless. So I guess I need to become an active participant in my relationships and remain aware of my boundaries and when to assert them or when to allow myself the nervous feelings and proceed anyway. I think there is a huge difference between consciously choosing to challenge a belief or boundary and unconsciously allowing them to be challenged and then rebelling against the resulting feelings.

In conclusion, I am going to talk to my therapist about how to assert boundaries and work through the gremlins surrounding unwanted attention and weight.

[butterflyeffect]

So I havbe stopped doing my eating disordered behaviors and now there is a void. An empty space...

I have been trying to fill that space by watching TV, reading books, cleaning and seeing my friends. It is not really working. I recognise that my Ed won't fill the void either, its just a temporary solution.

So now I am in that strange place where I can't go back. I think and plan to do something eating disordered and then it falls flat. I just walk away. The resounding thought is its not worth it.

My life feels a bit empty. I have purposefully been gentley disengaging from friendships with other people from hospital or my network of other unwell individuals. I have had enough of that world and want to experience something different.

I am now just looking for healthy things to fill my time. I feel an enormous craving for stimulation, new people, new places and new connections. I am intending to create a new social network. Its not really clear right now which direction I want to go in or exactly how I am going to form new connections but I have faith that it will all come together.

[butterflyeffect]

There is this huge space that I don't know how to fill.

I am realising that my eating disorer served to occupy most of my time. So now I have all this mental space and emotional space and time!!!

Its scary. I just keep telling myself its okay, its just space. I need to experience the space.

I have made a big effort to stop spending so much time people pleasing, it also gives me alot of time.

So I am trying to channel this extra time productively or just sit with the uncomfortable feelings but I am just feeling a bit lost. I am trying to think of something to do, cleaning or anything. But I know it will pass. Soon I will I will be walking on solid ground again. I'm just transitioning and thats okay.

[butterflyeffect]

My Eating Disorder didn't take anything away. I did. I made the choices and its my responsibility to live with them.

No one was right or wrong. But the consequences lay lined up before my eyes. Now I can choose differently. I can CHOOSE.

There is no Ed, its only a projection of within. There is no Eating Disorder, there are only actions and consequences. I chose the actions and now I accept the consequences.

I am choosing to act differently and I accept the consequences.

I choose, I act, I accept.

[butterflyeffect]

By hurting others I hurt myself too.

You can't build a wall around civilisation. You can't build a wall around yourself. Getting hurt is part of the process.

Hurts heal. Anxiety passes. If I fall I can just get up again.

Protective barriers don't work.

When you let your guard down and just feel its when you truly start to live. You don't have to enjoy your emotions, you just have to feel them. Take responsibility for them because their yours, you live with the consequences of them, whether you feel them or not.

[butterflyeffect]

I am entering a new and exciting phase of my life. I have started a Make Up course in fashion and bridal make up and I love it. I am also attending a weekly art class and practising my fashion drawings.

I am really enjoying doing my current courses and looking forward to getting some work experience in the fashion industry. I do find the focus on weight and bodies confronting but I recognise that I just need to step back from that anxiety. Not personalise it or judge it but concentrate on doing what I love.

I am learning more about my body on a physical level and how it works. I am going to go to the library and borrow a few books on the human anatomy to broaden my knowledge. I never payed much attention in Science because I deeemed it boring. As it turns out I now find it quite interesting on a basic level.


I have been reading books about how to manage my health and accepting the medical conditions that I have developed as a result of my ED. Previously, I have either denied their existence completely or tried to use them to manipulate my treatment team. I am now jus understanding how to feed my body properly, what healthy exersize looks like and the brain chemistry and effects of medication. Its been really postive because I have stopped relying on outside sources to help and began to look for more natural long term resources like learning yoga and meditation.

I am trying to take responsibility for organising my own health as at the moment I leave it all up to my doctor and just mindlessly comply. I am finding it difficult as within my family everyone is following the established patterns and subtly resisting the changes. Which while completely normal is annoying but Rome wasn't built in a day and I'll persist.

[butterflyeffect]

I am now at the difficult stage with my family where I am trying to gain independance and trust. While my treatment team believe me, its harder for my family to trust me.

I do lie, manipulate and hide things and point blank deny when caught red handed. I use these as tools to deal with my own fear and anxiety. I would much rather them get angry at me for lying than have them get angry and stop loving me because of a mistake I made. Lot of gremlins there that I need to work out.

So I am confronting those fears. When I got caught for taking cans of fruit from the fridge I admitted it. "Yes, that was me...." And suprisingly they responded well but I felt extremely uncomfortable and exposed. I have been continuing to be honest and its feels unatural and dangerous.

I have been insisting that my whole treatment team actually speaks to each other directly rather than through me. This means that I cannot just manipulate everyone to keep myself safe. So there are lots of letters going back and forth.

I am currently negotiating another hospital stay with my new doctor and that is a very different experience. I have been open and honest, brought my parents along to be involved and made everyone talk to each other. I think this time I will have a better chance of success too. The lies just keep me trapped.

I am finding the lack of trust very frustrating because I feel like my past actions have become my identity to certain people. They will get really upset and say things they believe to be a permant truth because of my past actions. Its frustrating. I sometimes feel like giving and just doing the status quo but in the end I never do. I know that my ED is a false illusion.

I am really appreciating any ounce of trust that I am given and learning to respect other people. I am starting to realise just how aware people are and the transparency of my lies.

[butterflyeffect]

Goodbye eating disorder world. Sometimes I even think I will miss you...
Then I have a reality check and take a nap instead.

[butterflyeffect]

I am on the waiting list to enter a new hospital program. I am really nervous. I only have one shot at this program and either sink or swim.

Essentially, I will be brought in and they will help me lose weight and get to my healthy target weight. This is being done on a purely medical basis. If I do anything wrong or put on weight, I'm out. They have a long waiting list and don't have time for games.

I'm petrified. I am starting to make a serious effort now and converting dinner and breakfast to shakes to prepare.

Any encouragement is welcome. I am very determined but one thing for certain, it won't be easy. It will be damn hard and whatever happens, win or lose its on my head.

[roxyruby]

hey baby

I'm here for you

You're doing great and you're a great girl!

[marinik]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I am on the waiting list to enter a new hospital program. I am really nervous. I only have one shot at this program and either sink or swim.

Essentially, I will be brought in and they will help me lose weight and get to my healthy target weight. This is being done on a purely medical basis. If I do anything wrong or put on weight, I'm out. They have a long waiting list and don't have time for games.

I'm petrified. I am starting to make a serious effort now and converting dinner and breakfast to shakes to prepare.

Any encouragement is welcome. I am very determined but one thing for certain, it won't be easy. It will be damn hard and whatever happens, win or lose its on my head.

I wish you all the best! How much do you loose?

[roxyruby]

hey hun

I would like to know, does this help?

Believe this with all your heart:

"My emotions and feelings are worthy and important."

"My emotions and feelings are worthy of my love, my nurturance, my care, my attention, my soothing, my compassion, my mercy, and to be noticed by me."

Does saying that to your self, with a genuine tone of voice, lessen cravings or make cravings go away and feel like you don't need food?

<3

[butterflyeffect]

So I am still waiting to go in to hospital, but I am getting lots done in the meantime so it is a really good motivating force.

I have finally finished with the dentist and sorted out all my dental decay issues relating to the bulimia. I feel much better knowing my teeth are sorted out.

I have changed therapists. My therapist is fantastic and I have done alot of group work with him and seen him on and off for 5 years so thats good. I am now just untangling my complex web of lies so we can have a fresh start. Its time consuming because I have to work out who I told what and whether I was lying. Devils in the details and I am good at just leaving things out.

Now I am just working on my personal grooming and make up technique and developing my creative pursuits. It is so exciting that I want to tell everyone all about it. I am planning to clear out my whole wardrobe and buy new designer clothes I adore rather than the other clothes I own now. I find I am developing my own sense of style that I didn't have before. So its a huge change.

[butterflyeffect]

So currently trying to transition to a wheat free diet. I don't really eat much wheat but I find that when I do feel tired and get bloated and congested.

The only time I eat wheat is with vita wheats and cheese. I don't even like vita wheats...

So my goal is to stop snacking on vita wheats and to able to stick to my meal plan without adding things because I see other people adding. Ie. my parents eat vita wheats, so I assume I must hungry and eat them too.

[butterflyeffect]

There is no such thing as magic numbers. Just desperate little girls wishing things were different.

I think the biggest shift that I am making is letting go of the magic numbers. My weight is not the be all and end all. Being thin won't magically make me happy. Losing weight may make me healthy, but not happy. Happiness is in the mind. I am grateful for that and for everyone who has helped me on my journey.

Now when I find myself thinking of magic numbers, if only I was thinner, I start to question what is I really want. Why do I want that dress to fit? What do I feel will change when I am thinner? People will like me, I will have friends and fit in. Magic numbers are the voice of a desperate and lonely little girl that lives inside of me, who is struggling to notice how much life has changed. I think the real changes are going to start happening when I let go of the limiting beliefs like "I have no friends" and "No one likes me." Its a delusion and despite the stark contrasts of reality I keep sabotaging things so I end up alone with my ED. I recognise it and therefore I can choose to change.

[butterflyeffect]

I am choosing to shift my perspective. I no longer view myself as HAVING an ED, rather I have HAD an ED.

In essence it is becoming a thing of the past. I still feel the desires surface but I remain aware and just notice them. They irratate me but I just notice them.

The shape and body obsessed thinking has stopped. I can't remember why or when I just notice I notice people's clothes and make up, clothes and fashion and just glide over peoples weight. I notice overweight people and I feel compassion instead of disgust.

I still can't handle being around other people with eating disorders. I find their behaviors very challenging as I wish to leave all of that behind. I have honestly seen everything there is to see in ED world. It is well and truly time to move on.

[butterflyeffect]

I am up leveling my life. I am on doing really well with my ED. I need to take off 30kg which I put in the last years when I was really ill. (Eating litres of ice cream and systematically destroying your endocrine system will have that affect... )So far I have taken off 7.5kg. I have plateued at the moment.

So I am choosing to take 100% responsibility for my life as a creator. I accept responsibility and I am choosing to look forward rather than back.

I have kicked almost all the behaviors except these last few:

- Snacking on too much fruit and carbs.
- Controlling other peoples food by buying them things or refusing to share my things.
-Not exersizing in a consistent way.

So I commit to exersizing 30-60 minutes every morning.
I commit to sharing my snacks when appropriate, specifically, I will offer if anyone wants some of what I am having.
I commit to only having 2 peices of fruit a day in the morning and not eating cheese and crackers or fruit in the evening.

I feel to scared to look back at my past history with the ED. I recognise how far I have come from where I was a few years ago but looking back in detail lures me in and Im not strong enough to fight that yet. I recognise the effort that I am making and thats what counts.

[agsags]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I have kicked almost all the behaviors except these last few:

- Snacking on too much fruit and carbs.
- Controlling other peoples food by buying them things or refusing to share my things.
-Not exersizing in a consistent way.

So I commit to exersizing 30-60 minutes every morning.
I commit to sharing my snacks when appropriate, specifically, I will offer if anyone wants some of what I am having.
I commit to only having 2 peices of fruit a day in the morning and not eating cheese and crackers or fruit in the evening.

I feel to scared to look back at my past history with the ED. I recognise how far I have come from where I was a few years ago but looking back in detail lures me in and Im not strong enough to fight that yet. I recognise the effort that I am making and thats what counts.

BFE,

I know little about specifics of your ED, so I wonder what is your rational for limiting fruit to only two pieces a day? Fruit is an EXCELLENT food source, it's filling, it has low caloric density, it has a lot of fiber, etc. The daily limit for fructose is around ~50g which translates to roughly 10 apples. Unless one magically substitutes all of the fruit with vegetables, severe fruit restriction won't improve the nutrition.

I had a friend who had bulimia and much of what you right reminds me of her. It's a pleasure to see your progress.

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you.

I have limited the fruit because I have pre diabetes and was told to limit by my specialist. If I go with my ED I will eat 1-2kg of fruit and it just causes metabolic chaos.

So I have been told 2 pieces thats it. I eat alot of vegetables and tend to only eat fruit to curb my anxiety anyway.

[butterflyeffect]

I am so over everything at the moment. I just want to get better. But all in good time.

I am finding the meditation to be very helpful. I need to start yoga as well.

I am doing better with the fruit, I only had about 6 pieces today. Its still way to much because of my medical situation but its a huge improvement. I am proud of my progress.

I have booked in to do my driving test at the end of the month. I intend to pass. I really want to get my drivers license because it has been hanging over me for years and it would be a huge relief to get it. I would relish the new found independance!!!

All my clothes are starting to become too big which is a strange feeling. I keep tugging at them to see if its real. So I am going to buy lots of new clothes after I leave hospital. Still on the waiting list but I am doing really well by myself so it doesn't matter.

[butterflyeffect]

I deserve more.

Those three words are so inspiring. I have been tolerating to many incongruencies in my life and its time to stop. People, places and things, if I don't like it, it can go. It doesn't have to go right away but when I am ready it will go.

The most pertinent example on my mind is my friends. I have been chasing people and making excuses for behavior I don't like or appreciate. So now I am voicing my feelings and setting new standards. I am holding myself to the same standards but if people don't meet them, then I can choose to let go. Because, I deserve more.

I deserve people I fully choose to have as my friends, faults and all and people who choose the same in return. If I have to hide my ED and struggles and successes then your not someone I want to be with. I want celebrate myself in my full glory. Its not about the result, as the best lives next to the worst, its about your attitude and what you choose to learn from it.

[butterflyeffect]

I am noticing that I am still cementing in my new behaviors and its really important that I only surround myself with positive and well people. I still care about the others but the more I think about it the sicker I get.

I am begining to see that Health and Wellnes are choices that I have to make everyday. So that means I can choose, the ED will most likely be there if I want it but if I don't then I have to comply and not enter into old patterns with the excuse "I'm well now." So practically that means, doing doing my meal plan, exercize regime, avoiding shopping alone, not using vending machines, not hanging out with sick people and not buying and storing large quantities of food. None of those things have ever worked or will ever work. I think I am FINALLY getting that.

[butterflyeffect]

I have stopped identifying with the label and taken a break from group therapy. Instead I have been focusing on my make up course, University and seeing my friends.

My weight has been dropping, I am almost half way to my target weight so thats really good. Its scary too because my body is changing fairly quickly. I have lost all interest in food and binging. I just tend to eat when Im hungry. I do notice that I will overeat when Im anxious or scared but I tend to stop myself either before or during and just soothe the anxiety rather than eating.

Now I am just working on getting more exersize. Going to for long walks to clear my head, taking the stairs and just enjoying having a body that is able to move so freely.

[butterflyeffect]

About to move out of home and into college in a week. I am so excited, nervous and numb all at the same time. I keep trying to reassure myself it will all be okay.

I keep wanting to pacify my feelings with food but I am resisting. Not even resisting, just accepting. When I get anxious I want to put food in my mouth. It doesn't really mean anything other than that.

I have been opening up and allowing myself to think about relationships and having a boyfriend. A previously unallowable activity. Funnily enough it makes me try harder because i want to live in the moment not in my thoughts. So I am just watching them going by like playing cards, one by one. Its tempting to join them but Im accepting them instead.

[shannon smith]

Hi Butterflyeffect,
I see alot of caring folks on this board. Roxyruby gave sound advice. Along with the advice of these others and the techniques they are offering I would add to use mindfulness. Be conscious of your thoughts. Be aware at all times of what you are thinking and also try to figure out why you came to those thoughts. Investigate whom you are by your thoughts. Be aware at all times what you are thining. Begin the day, reminding yourself that you were not born with this problem. You can overcome it. Write out every morning how you want to react to situations. Have a plan. If you are tempted to do something you do not want to do- redirect the energy- get away- go for a walk- feel the freedom of being whom you want to be and pat yourself on the back. If you find yourself in the aftermath of doing something you do not really want to do- analyze and learn from the trigger that made you react, observe yourself, gently but firmly tell your subconsiouss mind that you are in control

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you Shannon, there was alot of very powerful advice packed in your post.

I do practice mindfullness but not consistently and it was an excellent reminder to be the master of my own thoughts. I really like Roxy's advice and I have been much kinder to myself lately.

I did fall off the band wagon and eat a few extra tubs of ice cream last week. I didn't stay completely mindful or get completly wrapped up in the behaviors. It was a sort of strange experience, where I watched myself do it from a birds eye view, examined the rationale and prevented half of it from happening but allowed some behaviors to continue. All steps in the right direction.

I have moved into College now and I am just keeping my life very simple. I just bought in the basic items that I need. I need cleanliness and order to feel centered so I am starting that process by keeping things simple. Fewer possesions leads to less mess.