Beating Bulimia

[butterflyeffect]

I just want to get better. I want it so much it hurts. I'm crying because I want to get better but no one seems to be listening. On the surface they listen but if I try to explain the deeper side of my feelings or that I want to lose weight everyone tunes out. I just want to get better and in order to do that I have to deal with all the issues at hand.

I just want to get better. Maybe if I say it enough it will start to happen. I want some tangible progress I can hold on to and smile and say I did it. I am getting better. I can now start to increase the amount of time I spend on other things. As I write this I wonder, why not just do that now? Because I have to deal with this first or I half do everything else and the Ed takes over.

Dear Ed,
Your days are numbered.
Love Amy
Ps. Feel free to leave sooner if you like, Im over you.

Dear Treatment Team,
Please listen to me when i talk. I am not trying to argue or be difficult rather just politely express my concerns. Cutting me off is pointless. I just don't raise my concerns with you anymore. Instead I smile and nod outwardly and scream inwardly.
Regards,
Amy

Dear Family,
I'm sorry the Ed hurts you but I'm doing my best. I accept all your suggestions come from a loving place but at some point your just going to have to trust me. I know you have heard it all before and I accept I'm not always upfront with you but I still need your help. Don't give up on me now.
Love Amy xxx

Ahh I am venting because I'm hurting. I feel like on a superficial level I am doing well but I still have a long way to go. I want to be well more than anything else in the world and in order to do that I need to get to a healthy weight and its evading me. Its bugging me and it eats at me. So can someone please listen to me, I'm not asking you to fix me. I know that I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out of it but I am going to need help in doing that.

Someone please help. I feel like I'm silently drowning in this Ed. I just want to get better. I do all the right things and keep showing up and complying, so why won't my body recover? Please, please body work with me. I've fought to hard to get to this point to give up now. Giving up is not an option.

[butterflyeffect]

I feel so much better now that I have cried and vented. Thank you all for listening.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Someone please help. I feel like I'm silently drowning in this Ed. I just want to get better. I do all the right things and keep showing up and complying, so why won't my body recover? Please, please body work with me. I've fought to hard to get to this point to give up now. Giving up is not an option.

Maybe you could just...give up.

That is, surrender. Allow yourself to acknowledge it's positive purposes in you life, rather than focus on the negatives. And then begin asking yourself in what ways you could fulfil those positive purposes that doesn't involve your ED.

Seems like you've set up a frame of massive resistance here (which is very normal), but with that resistance you've got this frame that your ED is something to overcome, something to go against with brute willpower or something.

What if, instead, you used it's own power against it? What are the positive purposes of this ED? How is it helping you to survive/cope with the world? And in what other ways might you serve those positive purposes?

[butterflyeffect]

I already did that!!! I did that letting go exersize and I told 20 different strangers why I was grateful for my Ed. I did as part of the hospital program.

2 steps ahead of you there.

I can see your point but I'm not sure how to use it. I can see that the Ed has helped me enormously to grow and develop as a human being. Its taught me about myself and given me great strength and empathy. Its taught me my own strength and values and allowed me to become a concious human being, given me friends and a social network.

So in some ways my Ed has been a beautiful gift and I acknowledge that. Maybe thats what I need to do more of acknowledge the Ed thoughts and then move on.

I guess what i really want most at this point is to return to a low healthy weight and then pursue my modelling career. I don't mind the Ed so much as the weight gain and health problems. Hmmm food for thought. Thanks James.
Ur a clever cookie.

[butterflyeffect]

I surrender.

It tastes funny to say that. I peacefully give up my fight. I choose health instead. The thoughts are free to come and go as they please. I will continue to acknowledge them and label them but they are just thoughts.

The Ed is just that, an Ed. I don't have to beat it, just acknowledge it. Allow its presence and space in my life and continue to fill in the gaps as I find them.

Its okay. I'm okay, its okay and it always has been. I lovingly let go of the battle. My body is not a battle ground its a place of healing.

I am free to choose. I will let the thoughts come and go but not buy into them.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I already did that!!! I did that letting go exersize and I told 20 different strangers why I was grateful for my Ed. I did as part of the hospital program.

2 steps ahead of you there.

I can see your point but I'm not sure how to use it. I can see that the Ed has helped me enormously to grow and develop as a human being. Its taught me about myself and given me great strength and empathy. Its taught me my own strength and values and allowed me to become a concious human being, given me friends and a social network.

So in some ways my Ed has been a beautiful gift and I acknowledge that. Maybe thats what I need to do more of acknowledge the Ed thoughts and then move on.

I guess what i really want most at this point is to return to a low healthy weight and then pursue my modelling career. I don't mind the Ed so much as the weight gain and health problems. Hmmm food for thought. Thanks James.
Ur a clever cookie.

For some reason there is a movie quote that comes to mind when I read this....have you seen Inception?

True inspiration is cathartic. We want him to have a positive emotional experience to all of this.--Cobb, Inception

Let me ask you (and this is just me being curious)....does a modelling career really reach down inside of you and give you the goosebumps? Does it inspire you?

How about the excercise you did through the program? Was it an inspiring experience to tell those people about the positive parts of your ED?

[butterflyeffect]

I think about being a model and the whole world lights up. I cannot wait to go get well and pursue it. I can't think of anything I would rather do. It is inspiring. I want it. I love the lights, the drama and the whole scene. I love the process, the advertising, the photography. I spend hours playing with magazines, tearing out the pictures and collaging them on my wall and imagining its me.

I think I could be so good at it. I love selling, I love people and I love giving. I would be an inspiration to young girls and a postive role model for good body image. I'll get it and be able to show them a way to love yourself. I love my body and I want it to be healthy. It took a long time getting there but now I love myself and I just want the best for my body.

It is truly an inspiring possibility. I got to experience a fashion shoot in the hospital. I organised a fashion shoot with all the girls, one of the girls was a professional photographer and she took the photos, I organised hair and make up. Styling was pyjamas and curly hair. It was amazing, I loved every second of it and I keep imagining all the other shoots I could do if I stopped sabotaging myself.

On the surface it probably sounds shallow but I want it. I can model for charities and positive body image, commercial fashion, advertorial and everything else. I smile just thinking about it. I know it probably sounds eating disorderd but its not.

Telling all those people was inspiring. The burden becomes lighter. It wasn't the positive things or the negative things, they got ripped up and disposed of as part of the process. It was the grateful list, what did you learn, what did it teach, what do value about the experience. It was exhilarating tell people something thats meant to be a secret. Its like guess what, I don't care!!! They all responded so lovingly and caringly and I felt amazing. Thats what modelling feels like, you share yourself and create something wonderful.

I love looking at the fashion pictures and later I want to become a fashion photographer amongst other things. I don't know what it is about modelling that takes me so much but I want it like

[butterflyeffect]

I am scared to let go of my eating disorder. I don't remember what life is like without it. I don't remember being healthy and having lots of energy. I have been sick since year 7 and Im now 21 and really sick since year 9.

So as part of my journey I am going to try and tell people that I'm scared and own it so that I can let it go.

I was told that recovery is about being on your L plates, your still learning everything. It can be uncomfortable sometimes to feel like everyone is progressing faster than me so I just focus on doing whats best for me.

[butterflyeffect]

I am starting to explore new directions in my life and expand my healthy self.

Of course, one of those directions is fashion photography. I want to be a Fashion Photographer and Creative Director. I love commercial fashion and advertising so this will be an exciting direction to pursue. I have been wanting to do it for the last two years and just kept putting it off, so now I have committed to doing it. I have decided to a Fashion and Bridal Make Up class, where I will learn the make up for photography. I am soo excited its ridiculous.

In the meantime I will generate the money for the course and materials. I am really excited because I can't wait to get into the course and learn all about the make up techniques and start building a portfolio.

I also love drawing and sketching, again usually fashion pictures and landscapes so I am going to start attending a drawing class. I want to do Life Drawing and general art as well. I am always drawing and doodling so I will be developing my talents and channelling my energy in a positive way.

And lastly I am going to start attending a yoga class. There is a gorgeous yoga studio near my grandparents that I like, so I am going to try and attend the courses there. I am going to book in to do weekly yoga and meditation on Sunday mornings and start my week off on a glorious and relaxed note.

I also work one day a week in a Sales which I adore. I love people and selling. I am currently reading the book "Spin Selling" which is about how to sell large items with long term follow up and the difference between that and short term impulse buy selling. Its really interesting as I have only done immediate purchase selling so far, I have worked with jewellery, perfume and diaries. Jewellery was definately my favourite.

[Enlightenment]

I know some people don't believe in therapists, but I think Bulimia is a condition that should be treated by a good doctor who can prescribe the right medication and behaviour therapy. It is thought that Bulimia could be an OCD. Have you tried Celexa; it helps with obssessive thoughts and behaviours.
There are things that you and your family just cannot shake on your own.
I noticed, in your writing, that you seem to suffer from a lot of shame. I wonder if this is due to your family blaming you for some of their own troubles.
Anyway, I'm not a doctor.However, there seems to be one treatment centre in Sweden that has achieved good results by reteaching eating habits. I wonder if there is a similar one where you are?

[butterflyeffect]

Hey Enlightment,

I have tried Celexa before but it didn't suit me. I was just completely exhausted and apathetic all the time. But thank you for the suggestion.

I am quite obsessive and that is one of the root causes of my ED paired with high levels of anxiety. So I am seeing a doctor to manage the obsessions and essentially I have to just forcibly break the patterns and ride out the resulting anxiety and resist the urge to create new ones. My obsessions are a form of self soothing and relieve anxiety.

I just left an inpatient program where I re learnt new eating behaviors, I have done that program about four times and it is really helpful although a small part of a long term solution. I now see my therapist weekly, attend a specialist day program twice weekly and a personal trainer three times a week and dietician once a week. I'm definatley not doing this on my own although its still really hard.

[butterflyeffect]

Part of getting better seems to be letting go of unhealthy friendships. Well the person I was calling my bestfriend has just really intentionally hurt me. Its not an isolated incident and I have realised its time to let go. It hurts to much otherwise.

I am letting go with love, I wish them the best of luck but I want nothing further to do with them.

I'm crying because it hurts so much and because I knew it was coming deep down. I'm grateful to have this experience now and the prewarnings that led up to it. I'm grateful that I haven't used my ED to cope with it and I'm grateful that I have learnt some powerful lessons.

[butterflyeffect]

I feel as though I have been enveloped in unconditional love. I am so grateful for all the love I am recieving. Everywhere I look, I see amazing role models and the strength of humanity.

I feel so supported in my journey at the moment. My Dad keeps commenting, "All the doctors/therapists seem to love you...hmmm...what are you up too?". Nothing. I used to feel it was me against them. Now I am getting positive and encouraging responses from everyone I work with. Everyone is helping me, teaching me or encouraging me. I feel so grateful for all the support.

Everyday I am getting closer to living the life of my dreams. I want to get into the commercial fashion and luxury goods market as a marketer and sales person. My next goal is to get healthy enough to get into commercial modelling and high end promotions work. I have done the research, know the companies I want to work for and now its just a matter of time.

I am always refining my goals and everything feels like its falling into place. The intense drive and desire is pumping through me and regardless of my mood I just plod along towards the goal. I have stopped resisting and comply.

My family have been amazing through all of this. They are currently very highly involved in helping me manage the food and exersize regime but I co-operate. They can get fearful and upset when I mess up and magnify a tiny mistake into a full scale emergency but I am able to stand back and not react. I just remind them of the reality. I feel like we are finally acting as one unit rather than two separate units. I like being part of the family unit instead of the Amy unit.

[butterflyeffect]

Life's more peaceful when you stop fighting it.

[butterflyeffect]

I have been sitting with different thoughts and feelings.

A few different really strong thoughts have come up that I don't conciously hold.

I don't want to get better. Thats a scary thought but I seem to hold it deep down somewhere.

You can't make me.
I want the control. When I feel bullied or forced into something it can be my control. Or even when I willingingly go to hospital, I won't fully comply, I'll do something. Anything.

If I can't be perfect then I'd rather be fat. If I can't model then I'd rather be fat.


The underlying rationale of that would be that I can use the weight as a buffer and still hold onto my dreams. If I lose weight and it doesn't work out and Im scared it won't then I don't have anything. The dream of modelling is held so deep, I'm not prepared to let it go. This way its never about me its about the weight.

I think I am holding on to certain parts of my Ed like the extra kilos as a buffer. If things go wrong or I feel excluded I can blame the weight. I can revert back to my childhood belief, "If only I was smaller.." Take that away, and whats left?


"I hate people. They hurt me." That popped up during a fight with a close friend.

I'm nothing without my Ed. NOTHING. Its everything. Its my life.
I used to say that alot when I first got sick. I have gone through times when I have been very attached to the Ed. I still am on some level. It has a place in my room to sleep.... I have a couch for Ed to sleep on. Its very uncomfortable to say that out aloud. "Oh thats where, Ed sleeps, but you can have the floor!!!" Clear sign of my priorities.
Ed #1
Everyonelse #2


I don't have a problem. I just need to lose weight.
Code for Im not interested in the underlying issues I just want to fix the physical. I refuse to recognise what I'm doing.

My all time favourite.
No I didn't.
Denial at its best. When I get caught out doing something eating disordered, I will always say, 'No I didn't.' End of discussion. I will just repeat that over and over even if Im holding the evidence. If I don't acknowledge it then it doesn't exist.

I have too. I don't have a choice. Ed's making me.
The self destructive part of myself I call Ed. The part of myself that hates me. The little voice that insists I continue. The part that wants me dead. Taken to its extreme this is suicide.

I don't have any friends.
When people ask me about my friends, my first thought is always the same. I don't have any friends... My family I guess... Thats no longer true. I do have lots of friends but somehow deep down they don't register, I am too busy dwelling in the past.

I don't deserve to be thin. I'm not allowed to exersize. I'm not allowed to lose weight.
The very reason I will binge if I am told that I am losing weight. People will start to praise me, I'll be elated and give it two weeks and its all back on and Im binging. Some part of me doesn't want too. Again I label all that as Ed. The strong feeling I am not allowed too.

[James81]

Most of those really resonate with me as well. I don't have an ED, but I really tend to relate to a lot of what you write.

Want to try a rather unorthodox experiment and see how it goes? I'm kind of curious if what has worked for me for one thing might work for someone else with something else.

The lables I used to give myself were: introverted and depressed.

About two years ago now (wow, can't believe it's been that long ), I made the decision that I would NEVER use the word "depression" to describe myself ever again. I wasn't going to completely disregard the *feelings* that I felt, not at all actually, I just was never going to use the word "depressed" to describe my state again. I would choose other words such as "I'm feeling a bit down right now" or "I'm feeling kind bummed."

And an interesting thing has happened....after spending a good 15 years being depressed, I haven't been depressed since. And that's been 2 years ago. I've had bad days. I've felt crummy and sad. But it hasn't been that all pervasive feeling of bleakness that I was feeling before.

So, I ask you a question...would you like to try a similar experiment with your eating disorder? I'm not asking you to disregard the way you feel in any given moment (in fact, I encourage you to embrace it and express it as you have been doing). I'm asking you, though, if you are will to do a 30 day trial where you similar do not use the words "eating disorder" (or bulimia) to describe yourself. If in a moment you are engaging in the behaviors that the ED does, use some other way to describe what is happening.

I would love to see what 30 days of removing that label from yourself might do for you. And, if after 30 days you decide you want the label back, you can have it back if you want. Are you willing to set it aside for 30 days just to see what happens? If not, that's ok. I'm just asking out of curiosity to see what might happen. Something different to try (that most conventional sources might write off as "rubbish." )

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

The lables I used to give myself were: introverted and depressed.

That's interesting, the labels I used to give myself were: introverted and bulimic.

@butterflyeffect: I wish you all the best! You sound like you're really healing a lot, and I'm very happy for you!

[butterflyeffect]

@James: Hmm James, its an interesting idea to give up the Ed labels and I'm giving it serious consideration. I have though, been using other words to describe the feelings and behaviors as well as the labels the last few days. So progress there.

@Secrets: Thank you!! Wishing you lots of love and happiness too.

[butterflyeffect]

Questions I have been asking myself lately are:

Why am I so mean to myself and my body?

My body houses my soul, carries me everywhere and allows me a physical presence and I abuse it. I am mean to it and I punish for not being perfect. I spend so much time and money hurting myself and then get angry that my body won't perform at optimum level.

I am starting to move my focus away from weight loss and calories to health. My primary question is now: "Whats best for my body?" So rather than listening to the internal dialogue I look outside myself to meet the need (ie. the meal plan).

So I am working on physically healing and forgiving myself and my body. I have been angry at my body for going through puberty and constantly trying to reverse those changes. Its an old fear based way of thinking that I am gently letting go of.

I am being forgiving of my mistakes and just trying to keep going. My family are wary of my change in attitude because I have said similiar things in the past and then disregarded them during periods of high anxiety. So I am accepting their concern but not buying into it. I am trying to be very honest but I find anytime I do mess up their high anxiety causes them to over react. So I am tending not to try and endlessly placate them and just accept thats where they are at and where I am at. I will make mistakes and they will panic and try and assert control to prevent further mistakes occuring.

[butterflyeffect]

No more lying. I want to stop lying.

I lie all the time..... Not on this thread but mainly to myself. I find it hard to distinguish between what I have actually done and think I have done. So I am going to recommit to being honest with myself and everyone else.

I intend to be honest for the whole of tomorrow and not tell any lies of comission. Starting small.

So I have a food diary and I am going to keep doing that and writing down everything I eat in a non judgemental way, so I have a record and can't decieve myself. Write down my exersize as well and then what I did in the day.

[butterflyeffect]

Below is a poem I wrote in 2006 at my very sickest. I think it encompasses what its really like to have an Eating Disorder and reaffirms to me how far I have come in terms of recovery.

Won't somebody save me from myself?
Plagued by self hatred
Wrapped in fat and cellulite
Wanting to breakfree
But yet conforming
Needing to diet
Yet eating continuously
Finding friends, yet making enemies
Lost in a world of lies and deception
In love with one who doesn't feel the same
Trapped by my own torment

Losing any allies
In the fight against myself
Need a way out
Need to end it all
Underneath the happy mask
Like a game of charades
Except I don't want to play
I want to be freed from myself
Yet slowly drowning in a pool of hate

When everyone else sees a champion swimmer
Totally confused, labelled and misunderstood
In need of help, but there is none
Creating a superficial exterior
to hide the messed up interior

Grasping at any form of belonging
Trying all but truly beloning
Claiming to work hard, when I have done nothing
Fooling even myself at times
Lost touch with reality
As I twist the words of others
From positive intent
to nasty stabs in the back
Reading into everything
Lying compulsively

Surrounded by people
Desperate to belong
Yet still being alone
Enjoying my own company
But trying to be with others
It becomes you all against me
So I run further into myself
Can't do anything right
And if I did I could tell

Making up imaginery friends
Dreaming I'm in a movie
except its reality
Then I'm happy
but its not for long
I always long for
real people so I run

I try to do sport
to achieve by myself
Never in a team
A loner at heart
Who tries to be a groupie
But I'm not
Too far gone to be saved.
Just kill me.
So I can be free from myself.

[marinik]

You have come a long way!
‎''You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.'' M.L.K.

[butterflyeffect]

Thanks Marinik. I love that quote. I sort of feel like that at the moment, I know that I know the end goal but Im just focused on the little stuff at the moment.

---

Dressing up for my sisters birthday party. I helped her create her costume and we ended up having a total blast cutting up a cheap dress and turning into a masterpiece. Marc Jacobs would totally hire us.

None of my usual pre party anxiety about what to wear for days before hand, I just tried on a dress and thought "yup, I'll wear that." Done. Its a great feeling.

My body is returning to its natural weight. I'm not sure what thats going to be. I have been overiding my natural weight for the last 8 years or so it will be a lovely suprise to find out. I'm not scared because I was very healthy before all of this and I am treating my body with loving kindness. I'm trying to feed it properly and work with it. No pressue tactics or lose weight NOW. Its effortless. I just follow my program and go about life.

I still have moments where I want to revert back to old behaviors. Its hard but it gets easier everytime. Eventually it becomes automatic. My taste buds are changing, I am craving lots of protien and salads and less fruit. (I used to over eat on fruit and avoid everything else). Its interesting to see what my body wants, its not usually the highest calorie, most promoted junk food either. Its healthy nourishing food. Lol just what Danas told me a few months ago... Lol along with all my treatment team, turns out thier right. Its really nice getting in touch with my body like this, I feel like I am feeling my needs and wants rather than thinking and guessing them based on a certain end goal.

[butterflyeffect]

I am now fully committed to following my meal plan. I have let go of the belief that my emotions control my eating. I as a conscious human being, choose to eat according to my meal plan.

I choose to deal with my emotions more effectively using alternative strategies. I am tired of mixing the two and ending up with a huge mess.

A was told according to NLP practises, I don't HAVE an eating disorder, I DO an eating disorder. I liked that idea, because I can choose not to engage. I see it as a relationship on some level and a habbit on another.

I have been building healthy exersize into my life. I was seeing a personal trainer three times a week for a year and a half. Much to his frustration and mine, I kept losing weight and putting it on again. I would panic and binge during high stress periods. SO instead of trying to force the weight off, I am allowing my body to return to our natural point peacefully.

I have been conserving my energy as I notice I have a lower tolerance for other people at the moment. All my energy is focused inwards. I am observing my people pleasing behaviors and trying to let go. I am becoming much more driven and results focused than I was before. I feel like I am waking up from a fog and I have all this drive pumping through me. I feel content with who I am yet driven to achieve more and realise my full potential.

[butterflyeffect]

I'm so excited. Ridiculously excited. It feels like all my dreams are about to come true and I'm just preparing for the ride.

Going to try and walk off some of my excitement and take the dog for a walk.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I'm so excited. Ridiculously excited. It feels like all my dreams are about to come true and I'm just preparing for the ride.

Going to try and walk off some of my excitement and take the dog for a walk.

Oh yay!

I'm feeling the same way. Enjoy your dog!

[butterflyeffect]

We just had a huge party at my house for my sister's birthday. It turned out to be an amazing growth experience. Lol who knew partying was so good for the soul?

By helping get ready for the party and clean up afterwards I got to appreciate how much work goes into parties. I saw how upsetting it can be when people cancel at the last minute or act flakey and vague to see if they get a better offer. That in turn made me decide to be more upfront and definate when I agree to go to things. No more lame last minute excuses. Honesty is usually appreciated.

I also had alot of fun dancing. I got so many compliments on how I dance and it made me realise how special I was. I got to share that by dancing with other people and teaching others how to dance. I think sometimes people get so caught up in thier heads that thier bodies go stiff. Its about relaxing.

I realised that I am not really much of an alcohol person. I keep banging my head against the wall with this one. I keep trying alcohol and waiting for the magic effects. Honestly, I have more fun without it. I'm naturally bubbly and happy.

I have been able to see the impact of my anxiety on other people. When I get anxious and panicky I get aggressive and rigid and obsessive. So I will actively look for an outlet. The ED behaviors are just one outlet. So I can see now how frustrating it is to have someone obsessively trying to clean around your or hoarding things. I am just going to continue to try and meditate and bring that internal calm to myself. Its a process and I'm doing really well. I am really proud of myself but at the same time I take full responsibility for where I am at and my behaviors.


And lastly, my favourite thing I have learnt is offer hugs and let people cry. Let them talk. Don't interupt or give advice (I"m working on allowing people this space). Just hug them and be there. The rest isn't needed. People often ask for what they want. Its just a matter of reading the signs.

[marinik]

Great!

What about starting dancing in your head when you get anxious?

[butterflyeffect]

Thats a crazy idea Marinik. I love it!!!

I am going to give it a try. Funnily enough the Can Can comes to mind.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Thats a crazy idea Marinik. I love it!!!

I am going to give it a try. Funnily enough the Can Can comes to mind.

So happy you like it!