Beating Bulimia

[butterflyeffect]

Like the username, I sometimes think of my recovery from bulimia as opening up from a cocoon and spreading my wings and revealing the butterfly that remain hidden underneath.

When I first started thinking about recovery five years ago, I was very hesistant. I felt the Ed was all had and made me special, I was scared to go back to being a nobody. Thats where I was wrong, you see as you recover, you grow and change and the person who starts to emerge is very different from the one you left behind.

In recovering, I'm not going back to being vulnerable and lonely, instead I am gaining an active social life and an abundance of friends and a strong sense of self. Your probably asking, whats changed? Everything.
Physically, I got sick just before puberty so my body will never be the same. I got sick as a child and as I recover I'm becoming an adult. My personality and spirit are free-er, I have the gift of being awareness and shifting perspectives. The strength and discipline of constant trying and also I'm less naieve. I know what its like to hit rock bottom and I am more compassionate as a result. I am literally learning to really see and experience the world whereas before I only experienced my own little box. My obsessions, my ups and downs and immediate circle of family and friends. Now I seek to understand things on a greater level, to keep learning, to keep striving, to keep asking what else?

Often the greatest challenges we face are the greatest teachers. Don't be scared that recovering means going backwards, its about taking baby steps until your full grown and gaining a new life and perspective. The limiting beliefs and obsessions, compulsions are all part of the cocoon, its part of livign a limited and narrow life. As you emerge from that state, however slowy you begin to see life from a new vantage point. One of freedom and choice. Recovery doesn't mean never getting sad or hurt again, it means being able to deal with the struggles and the joys as a team with other people instead of carrying the load on your own.

The next thing, I often find myself thinking is, "How can I be the 'new' me around my other people?" I have noticed others echo this same sentiment as well. Its my belief that there is no 'new' you, its just another stage of development. Your still the same person who likes green apples and hates spinach but you now have the option of seeing the world differently and allowing everyone, including yourself, to adjust to your new place in it.

I had a few hospital admissions during late high school. I was rarely open about why I went to hosptial and then came back. Needless to say there was always alot of commotion when I would return to school from hospital, after being away for six weeks. When I entered the hospital programs, it was because I was struggling and after graduating from each admission, I would return to school with a new perspective on things. For example, after my first hospital admission, everyone started noticing that I now ate at school with them. There were naturally alot of questions. But the thing I learnt was, people will always comment on something different. It doesn't mean they don't accept it or like it.

After the intial adjustment period I would always be accepted at my new stage, sometimes I would choose to hang out with different people or do things differently but I was always accepted and welcomed back eventually. Often too, people were happy for me. Happy to see that I was getting healtheir, able to get to know them and it worked both ways. I wasn't the only one who was growing. I was also able to get to know new people and still keep my old friends. Of course I didn't have the same group of friends forever but the key thing I learnt was just because I changed, doesn't mean my friends have too. Often we all just need time to adjust. So don't write your friends off as not being able to accept you as you grow, without giving them the chance to adjust. Maybe your right and they can't adjust and thats okay but surely you'd like to know for sure before you make any decisions.

[butterflyeffect]

I am just about to head back into hospital. Its a strange feeling because I haven't been there in a few years.

I am not really nervous because I know the routine well. There is no resistance to the process either, I feel oddly removed. I know I need help so I am going in willingingly, it is my choice, I will work with the team and come out healthier.

Why I am going back? In my posts I seem to be doing really well? And I am. I am progressing and changing on a mental level but physically I am still stuck in old patterns and struggling. I have tried to break the patterns in the past and never succeeded in doing it by myself. So it will be a very short admission, a couple of weeks max. Break the cycle, allow me to focus on following a meal plan, let my body chemistry normalise and come out and maintain it.

As for my family, they seem rather removed from the process as well. There won't be the constant phone calls and teary visits as I struggle. This time its going to go well. They won't even need to visit. I guess I have finally become independant. Lol and its nice.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I am just about to head back into hospital. Its a strange feeling because I haven't been there in a few years.

I am not really nervous because I know the routine well. There is no resistance to the process either, I feel oddly removed. I know I need help so I am going in willingingly, it is my choice, I will work with the team and come out healthier.

Why I am going back? In my posts I seem to be doing really well? And I am. I am progressing and changing on a mental level but physically I am still stuck in old patterns and struggling. I have tried to break the patterns in the past and never succeeded in doing it by myself. So it will be a very short admission, a couple of weeks max. Break the cycle, allow me to focus on following a meal plan, let my body chemistry normalise and come out and maintain it.

As for my family, they seem rather removed from the process as well. There won't be the constant phone calls and teary visits as I struggle. This time its going to go well. They won't even need to visit. I guess I have finally become independant. Lol and its nice.

Does this mean we went see you for a few weeks?

If so, then I'll miss you. Good luck with your treatment, though. Remember your last PM to me and think about what you realized.

[butterflyeffect]

Thanks James. I'm not sure how much I will be on around, depends if I am let near the internet. Oh well, I still have my mobile and a stack of fashion magazines, so I'll come back enlightened and uber fashionable.

[butterflyeffect]

Well its day three in hospital and its going well. I have surrendered the process. I am doing everything I am told do and ignoring my Ed. Normally, its been quite a struggle at each step, liking buttering the bread and things like that although this time, its easy. Its not my choice, its the dieticians. I have assigned authority to her and I am choosing to comply.

Interestingly, in a group discussion with the psychiatrist, he talked about procrastination. He raised the idea of procrastinating procrastination. So rather than procrastinating, simply do. We did various exersizes polarising action from procrastination. When I procrastinated, I felt anxious and miserable. The room was silent and no one was happy. When we did action and released control to a partner and did anything they said for five minutes, there was so much laughter, I was happy, I was having fun. I learnt I prefer to do, than to wait.

Procrastination is to hold on to your fears. To wait and not know. Its to miss out. To take action you may fail or succeed but either way you will feel good. You will have tried. And that is a wonderful feeling.
"Sometimes the beauty is in the Attempt." One Tree Hill

Commitment, is long term goals and short term action. Thats what I'm learning. If I want recovery, then every second of the day, I have to recommit to that goal, to affirm recovery in my mind. Everytime I do that, I ge t closer to doing it automatically.

[marinik]

We are all with you! Love m

[butterflyeffect]

Thanks Marnik. Its going really well so far, I feel like im coming to the end of this journey. Im ready for a new one.

[butterflyeffect]

Lots of blood tests and ECGs. One of the perks is the guy who takes the bloods is really cute, so I don't mind. Even though they had to take blood from my hand because they couldn't get a vein in my arm... I am also seeing a specialist to help heal the physical side effects. So its wonderful to know that I am working within a team rather than with separate units.

I have been phoning my parents alot, keeping them updated on my progress. Its funny because previously there have been alot of arguments and tears but this time, I just by pass it all. My parents can struggle with working with the hospital at times, giving me suggestions or make negative complaints about various things in the program. I no longer get into it with them, I just let them know I understand their concerns, but I am in hospital and following the program.

I have noticed a common theme among parents of eating disorder patients. Most parents will tell you that thier child needs specific help and they are different to the other "sick patients" and want the hospital to recognise this and to adjust the program accordingly. My parents will say, "Can't you see she's not anorexic???" Other parents will say, my child isn't one of those sick people or similiar comments. I think its a coping mechanism for parents with children in hospital. I feel compassion for the parents perspective, it must be really hell to have a chronically sick child.

As part of the meditation training, I have been noting general thought patterns. I have noticed particular themes to my thoughts, like being overly focused on modelling, career or health. I can spend hours, weeks and months going over the same goals and plans. Once I lose interest, I just move to the next phase. That type of focus can be very useful but not when directed towards the Ed.

I struggle to share these types of thoughts. I will reluctantly write them down or share when pushed. I feel that by sharing them, people will attempt to take them away. I have made a concious effort to start sharing them but it still feels uncomfortable.

[butterflyeffect]

At the core of my Eating Disorder is the belief, "I'm not lovable." I can see that all the other events and issues that have been coming up stem from that belief.

When your an infant your dependant on your mother for food and comfort. I was an anxious baby and used to cry alot if my parents were constantly with me. They misunderstood this and tried to enforce separation and make me independant using control crying. Essentially, they let me scream and cry in the hope U would cry myself to sleep and learn. It didn't work, I would cry for hours until I started vomiting and lost my voice. I only have the vaguest of memories of it but I interpreted that as being unlovable. Thinking about it and remembering it is painful. My parents acknowledge in hindsight it was a mistake and I forgive them but I now want to work through it and move forward.

Twenty years later, (Im 21) I am very clingy to my parents and syblings. I want to hug them all the time, be with them or with people all the time. I need to be with people and fit in. The over eating is a cover, a way of feeling loved. Food was associated with comfort and I have been taking that around with me to simulate feelings of love and comfort and block out the lonliness. I recognise the pattern and the cause at the moment but Im just sitting with the awareness. Im not sure how to deal with it.

I now understand why I get so angry and upset, when people try to take the food away or prevent me from following through with the Ed. Its like taking away my tools for survival and I feel as helpless and alone as I did as a baby.

I am aware of the patterns. I seek to punish myself. Trying to stuff myself and insulate from the feelings. Avoid feeling lonely and vulnerable. Try to avoid it all and create my own feelings of love and punish myself at the same time. It all makes alot more sense now.

[butterflyeffect]

Still in hospital, still buttering the bread. Chewing AND swallowing.

I'm just feeling really sad today and allowing myself to be sad. Today was weigh day and despite my insistence to be blind weighed, I saw my weight. The nurses use a mannual scales instead of electronic and asked me to tell them what the weight was... I refused and said look at the file. Long story short, they refused and I told them the weight and saw them measure it innacuratley and now im upset.

I am choosing to sit with the feelings of just being sad and lonely. I know that I am getting better, I know that I am going to get better, I know its just a matter of compliance. I know Im better than before but today I just want to mope and be sad and grieve for my the end of the Eating Disordered era. I think crying is healthy and I am now just trying to allow myself to cry and get upset instead of just smiling nicely and nodding at everyone.

[butterflyeffect]

So if your reading this thread then you know I have an Eating Disorder. But I am not upfront with my friends about my ED. I have told a couple of people but mostly I just deny it. I listen to people talk about EDs and just listen or make the comments like, "Mmm its definately complex." But in the spirit of honesty, I have decided to start being more honest about it.

So I have told my bestfriend the day I was admitted and now I am going to tell a couple of my uni friends and club buddies. I often feel like no one could possibly work out whats going on and its my secret, but people usually realise somethings off. I guess disapearing off the radar every now and then and just suddenly reappearing leads to questions. So I am going to start being honest and answering them.

I am a bit nervous so Im doing it through facebook. Soo much easier.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

So if your reading this thread then you know I have an Eating Disorder. But I am not upfront with my friends about my ED. I have told a couple of people but mostly I just deny it. I listen to people talk about EDs and just listen or make the comments like, "Mmm its definately complex." But in the spirit of honesty, I have decided to start being more honest about it.

So I have told my bestfriend the day I was admitted and now I am going to tell a couple of my uni friends and club buddies. I often feel like no one could possibly work out whats going on and its my secret, but people usually realise somethings off. I guess disapearing off the radar every now and then and just suddenly reappearing leads to questions. So I am going to start being honest and answering them.

I am a bit nervous so Im doing it through facebook. Soo much easier.

wow you go girl -you are very brave

[James81]

So, butterfly, how do you feel about wubz? Cause I'm sending you some right now.

I know how much you hate being told that you are doing great, so I'll just say ... Uh .... This is awful truly truly awful.

I can had reverse psychology?

seriously, I love reading your updates here and seeing you grow. You're an inspiration.

[butterflyeffect]

@ Thanks LTL. I appreciate the support. Its going to be worth it in the end. It has been so far.

@James, lol I always like praise. You must have been mind reading. Or maybe I just changed my tune, I do like to hear that Im growing and doing the right thing. Lol I can have that conversation many times... Thank you, Im glad to here that Im inspiring people. I am often inspired by people around me as well and different forum members. And I find you very inspiring as well. lol one of the many reasons I talk to you so much. Lol and love is always always welcome. I must be super lovable because everyone adores me so much.

Ahhh so I have told people, sent the messages and now just waiting for the replies. Its upto the universe now, I can only control the controllables. IE. send the messages and focus on myself. So I feel relieved now that I have sent the messages, whatever happens, I can know I tried.

[butterflyeffect]

If procrastination is the theif of time, then perfectionism is his accompliace.

I read magazines and blogs and talk to people and sometimes I see that we are holding people up to tear them down. We celebrate the talent of famous actors and then tear them down for their every flaw.

Humans aren't perfect, thats what makes us special. We have the ability to grow and change and learn things. Even better, we can help each other along the way. If you go looking, you can always find a persons imperfections, but whats more special is thier gifts and talents.

My Eating Disorder is always telling me that I can never have relationships because I have failed to be perfect. Other people tell me, Im too sick for a relationship, no one would like to be with me because of Ed. I don't believe it. I used too but I don't anymore. No matter what happens, I'll never be perfect. Of course, some people will never realise this and seek to find the real life barbie. Im not her and Im glad. I realise now that Im special and unique and a hell of a lot of fun to be around. I am warm and affectionate, pretty and insightful. I don't have to be perfect to be loved, no one does. You don't have to be anything. Just be. So even though I am not perfect, I'm confident people will still like me because I do. Im loyal and kind and funny, maybe I still have my struggles but who doesn't. So stop looking for perfection and embrace your humanity. It will set you free.

[butterflyeffect]

Today in group we learnt a powerful exersize for letting go. Part of the homework is too share so here I am.

1. Write out all the positives about the thing you are trying to let go, write out what gaps it filled and how it served you.

2. Write out all the negatives about the thing/person/addiction you are trying to let go of. Write out all the things it has cost you, time, money, relationships etc

3. Write out all the things you are grateful for about the thing you are trying to let go.

4. Share your list with someone, part of it or all of it. Say it out loud even and then rip up the positive and negative lists and throw them in the bin.

5. Share what your are grateful for about for the thing with three people outside of your comfort zone. IE. People you are hesistant to share with but still okay. If your uncomfortable, all the better.

4. Write out a list of all the things you can look forward too and bear with when you let go? What gaps will exist?
Again share with 3 other people.


5. Draw a large picture of a 3D box and put it up on your wall, and write on it
"TO be filled with all things after I let go of ...."

6. Leave the the box to be filled up. Sit with the feelings. Get uncomfortable and just feel those gaps. Experience what they felt like before you let go?

IE. If you can't deal with being alone, sit with being alone for a while. Experience it.

7. If your an feeling upto it here is step 7, involves alot of emotional maturity and is hard, don't do it if your not ready or it will hurt.

Answer: How did the bulimia help fix the shame and lonliness and how well did it fix it?

Next post, my list.

[butterflyeffect]

My ED has been difficult but it has also taught me some amazing things that I am very grateful for. I can't go back in time and change the past, so instead I'm changing the future, by starting with the present.

I am grateful for:
-The self awareness
- The strength of character
- For educating me on life
- Improved social skills and connections
- True friends
- The discipline of saying no
- The creation of an identity
- Showing me how much I am capable of
- For showing me how to create space/ time out
- For teaching me about madness (Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result).
- For teaching me persistence
- For giving me a creative outlet
- For expanding my mind
- For showing me to be accepting, non judgemental and compassionate.
- For giving me the courage to be different
- For showing me how to survive
- For allowing me to forgive
- To let go of the venom
- For showing me what really matters
- For teaching me to value health, energy and happiness
- For making me grateful for each day and each day I am alive
- For allowing me to meet the most amazing and inspiring people
- For giving me the strength to continue on
- For getting me through the hard times
- For keeping me alive
- For getting me through the tricky times in high school

For teaching me that I can do anything I put my mind too and I am more capable that I can ever fully realise.

[butterflyeffect]

I am coming home soon. Hopefully late next week and then returning to Uni and my life. I will do day program twice a week and then see my doctor as well. Its all going well, I am following my meal plan, I am doing the right amount of exercize and complying.

Going against my eating disorder and obsessions does cause me alot of anxiety. The obsessions and rituals are created to ease anxiety and make predictable routines. Its self soothing so naturally when I challenge them I feel anxious and worried until I adjust to the changes.

I am feeling really panicked and scared at the moment. I am feeling very smothered by comments by another patient who keeps commenting on my weight, as they are significantly under weight themselves they find me a conundrum. They are consistently making comments about my ED, my choices and trying to get me too justify I'm sick. Usually, I would blow them off but because I am feeling so anxious and vulnerable already I just don't feel able too. Its becoming overwhelming and I just want to do something to ease the anxiety, like drink masses of diet coke or something. Anything -- But I am choosing not because I want to get well. I make a vague comment about feeling uncomfortable to eat a certain meal and they want to know why? I breathe and they want to know why and i just feel a bit trapped by her presence because she follows me around and i live in the same room as her and makes her little comments every hour....

So I am owning my feelings. I am just trying to share them and let them out. What I am looking for is supportive nice comments because Im struggling and I feel scared and vulnerable without my ED to insulate me from these issues.

[marinik]

You'll be fine! Just imagine her as the little devil o the girl as ED - on one shoulder and healthy you as your angel on the other! Who do you listen to? DUH! She is just projecting herself! BTW how many kg are you! I bet it's nothing!

Love m

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

.

..

So I am owning my feelings. I am just trying to share them and let them out. What I am looking for is supportive nice comments because Im struggling and I feel scared and vulnerable without my ED to insulate me from these issues.

just vent it all here !!
and
you have all my love and support sweetie !!

you can do this -don't listen to anyone else's negative comments

>>>>>>>>>>>HUGS<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[butterflyeffect]

I don't want to return to my life. I'm scared. I'm scared about messing up or living anymore with this ED. I don't want to do it anymore, I just want to get better.

I want to maintain a healthy weight and see my friends and go to uni and ED day program, I don't want anything to do with this ED.

Scared. Very scared. Im coming home this Tuesday afternoon. My house seems so noisy and overwhelming after hospital and I just want time to adjust.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I don't want to return to my life. I'm scared. I'm scared about messing up or living anymore with this ED. I don't want to do it anymore, I just want to get better.

I want to maintain a healthy weight and see my friends and go to uni and ED day program, I don't want anything to do with this ED.

Scared. Very scared. Im coming home this Tuesday afternoon. My house seems so noisy and overwhelming after hospital and I just want time to adjust.

We're here for ya. Congrats on making it through the program.

[butterflyeffect]

Im coming home and its a great feeling. This time tommorow I will be sleeping in my own bed with my own things and I am so grateful for that.

This admission has been one of loving surrender. No tricks, no games or deciet. I have been open and honest and stumbled a few times but I have always picked myself up again. Im so proud of myself. I feel like I am finally starting to love myself unconditionally and see the same gorgeous person everyone else sees.

I have learnt so much from the beautiful girls surrounding me in this admission. I have been touched in so many ways by their strength, generosity and kindness.

[geniegal]

your posts are amazing. you will hate me saying this but to work all this stuff out now while you are young means you ahve a whole lifetime to enjoy everything this world has to offer. not meant as patronising - the other day i thought 'my god im 39, thats 27 years wasted on thinking about eating'

too much coffee today drove 5 hours - must try to go to bed now at 1.20 am

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you Geniegal.

Ahh its strange, but I don't hate it when people tell me I'm doing well or show me different points of view. I agree with you, I feel so fortunate to be recovering now rather than in ten years time. The world moves fast and I want to be there for every second of it.

** I am home now. In my own room. Its strange being back, I am still adjusting to the change. I am determined to keep recoverying. I am tired of the term 'sick', doctors, patients and others will ask "Tell me your history, how long have you been sick for?".

I have started doing day program, so I attend the Eating Disorder day program twice a week. I started today, I literally work up, got dressed and walked down the stairs to start day program at 8am sharp. It felt strange waving at my old room mates from across the dining room. It worked out well though, no time to revert to old behaviors.

So I am now part of the day program, resuming work again later this week and then back into uni next week. Its full on but I am going to make sure that I observe some of the structures of the hospital and follow my meal plan. I want this. I want to get better and I am going to enjoy the process.

[butterflyeffect]

Why is it that people say things like,

"I know you don't believe me when I say .."

"You hate positive feedback.."

"You'll hate me for saying this.."

How is that someone outside of me could know how I am going to react? I can sometimes be predictable but not always.

I do like compliments, encouragement, recognising how lucky I am, being grateful, growing and inspiring others, making a difference and growing taller.

Is it possible that maybe they don't like those things and project it onto me.
So for example, instead of acknowleding I don't like my current size, I project that anyone else at my size must hate their weight and avoid talking about it. Really, I can't know unless I ask or observe.

I am going to make a conscious effort to make "I" statements. I found its easier to discuss things with the distance of reffering to something outside, like, they, you, us, we rather than I. E.g. "Say you are scared of gaining weight from your meal plan" becomes, "Say I am scared of gaining weight from my meal plan."

By saying I and using personal pronouns I own my thoughts and feelings. I take responsibility.

So I am struggling to adjust to being at home and following my meal plan. I want to be better now and buying into those thoughts causes me anxiety.

I am choosing to follow my meal plan and forgive myself for making mistakes.
I am prepared to admit to the dietican when I make mistakes and not hide it. I am prepared to feel uncomfortable during the process.


Why do people make such funny assumptions. Like that I would hate compliments or praise. That I won't eat foods they cook or listen to things they have to say. Or that I dislike being reminded of the many ways that I'm lucky.

Well, I don't mind being complimented, I like it. It matches what I already know. I'm special. I'm g

Why should I hate being reminded of how lucky I am?

[butterflyeffect]

I am trying to take responsibility and organise my life so that its managable.

In hospital that was significantly easier, it only involved choosing to comply with the program. While that was challenging, it pales in comparision to mimicking the same structure at home.

So I am choosing to do all the homework thats given to me by the program. Suprisingly, actively complying is alot of work, there is alot involved in following my meal plan and recording my activities and slip ups.

I have also started unpacking all my things from the hospital. Previously, I would have dragged that process out but this time I have just knucked down and done it. I am also in the process of cleaning out all the excess junk from my room. It feels as though my room is always cluttered no matter how many times I clear it out.

I am making a concious effort to be assertive and upfront with my thoughts and feelings. I am finding it very difficult. I may smile and say everything is fine when underneath I am furious with a person. I will deny it and then go and have a self soothing binge and tell someone else how much I hate them behind their backs. Its not productive or fair so I am trying to change that.

[butterflyeffect]

I am often asking myself why I keep struggling with this. Why I can't just let it go and follow my meal plan and be healthy. Essentially, what motivates me to stay sick or to hold on. Because deep down there has to be something or I would be better now.

In group therapy, we were discussing self compassion, as the ability to be able to see a need within yourself and meet it. The problems arise when you either ignore the needs or feel you can't fufill them and distract instead.

So for me, I buy myself lots of clothes, make up and jewellery to make up for myself to replace allowing my friends and relationships. Thats where the Ed comes in, it distracts me from lonliness and feeling unlovable. If I have the Ed to focus on then the other stuff doesn't hurt so much anymore.

In a sentence, if I stuff myself with ice-cream, I'm too out of it too feel lonely. It works in the short term but in the long term I just end up feeling worse and having two problems instead of one.

Originally I needed my Ed because I was bullied at school and had no friends. I was lonely and I didn't feel like I could fix it no matter how hard I tried. So I found my own friend who couldn't leave me (Ed). The extent to which I seem to subconciously view this as a friend becomes obvious when I talk. I'll say things like, "We went shopping and then I bought this dress, anyway, I'm really tired, so we'll go to bed now." The "we" means me and Ed. I don't say it intentionally and I'm often not aware of it but therapists will pick it up and say whose we?

I no longer have any social difficulties and make friends easily. I am at ease with myself. I know that I have good friends and a social life if I choose to avail of it. But I don't meet my own needs. I make friends easily and then isolate myself. I seem to punish myself and not allow myself the relationships and friends I desire. I hold on to Ed as a subsitute and try to give, but won't let myself recieve. I am not sure how to break this pattern. My Ed is there to fill the void of needs I won't allow myself meet. I think I revert back to being the small child with no friends rather than the adult with lots.

If I allow myself to go out and see my friends then I don't need to do any compensatory behaviors. So the next question I am asking myself is how do I allow myself recieve? How do I start saying yes? I have been practising, asking people for things I need from them rather than setting them up to fail because they can't read my mind.

I am still evolving, I can now accept and feel compliments and praise and appreciate it where as a few years ago I couldn't. It felt uncomfortable. I can give and recieve hugs and I couldn't a few years ago. I can share my food and clothes with certain people and I couldn't do that a few years ago. So its progress, still working on it.

I'm not sure how to go about fixing it all. I feel like I am already incredibly needy and difficult although logically, that would be towards my parents in the form of my Ed so I guess relinquishing that would allow me to give and recieve differently.

Its all feeling very complex and puzzling but I know that Im growing and progressing and thats all that matters. I don't have to be perfect by tommorow.

[butterflyeffect]

I am now at the point where I can recognise what needs that I have that I'm not currently meeting. I can see the goals that I want to achieve and I can see what I need to do in order to achieve the goals and meet my needs.

But I won't allow myself to do it. I feel this huge internal resistance and fear about moving forward. Its hard to explain but I just feel this enormous sensation that I'm not allowed.

To get better from my ED I need to:
- Exersize daily
- Attend Day program and therapy
- Follow my meal plan
- Stop hurting my body

I recognise that I need to do all of the above things but I feel this huge resistance to doing it. I want to lose weight and be healthy but I am blocking it. I quite deliberatley hurting myself.

Underlying Gremlins that have come up are:

You deserve to be fat. You don't deserve to be thin.

Your not allowed to lose weight.

Its your fault your fat.

Your not allowed to see your friends. Your not allowed to have friends. People aren't allowed to like you.
Your not allowed to be successful.
Everybody hates you.
There is no choice. You have to eat yourself to death.

Most of all: You deserve this.

NB. Side point, but the thoughts are always framed in the 3rd person. Always.

BUT I don't want to do this anymore. I can see and feel and accept the praise and compliments that people give me. I can touch it and its real. I percieve the praise as real, as true. I want to be able to share my feelings with other people and not feel like a burden. (Online feels different). I still take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings, I am not seeking an outside party to fix then I just don't want to feel so alone.

I have spoken to people about standing in my own way and the response is always proceed anyway. I know logically I should but right now I just feel paralysed from taking action.

So I am accepting where Im at and trying to take little steps forward so that I can progress but not traumatise myself in the process. As mentioned previously, I am using my ED instead of meeting my social need to see my friends and be included. So I am going to get in contact with my friends instead of isolating myself and organise to see them.

[butterflyeffect]

I just want to get better. I have all the motivation in the world and i am doing it for me.

I have plastered my room with motivational pictures and photographs of the life I want to lead. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I'll get there.

I am begining to feel like my Ed takes up all my time. I have been told that the more I practise being well, that it will start to become automatic. That I will automatically just eat the right things, exersize the right amount and the thoughts will stop. Recovery..I can't wait.