Beating Bulimia

[butterflyeffect]

In another thread, it has been brought to my attention that I am picking up on other peoples emotions and confusing them with my own. I do have a very strong heart chakra and sense of compassion for others but this is a bit more than that. Essentially, if you tell me how sad you are about your difficult divorce, I will get really sad too and be able to feel your pain and mirror it and want to help you, like I'm the one getting divorced... Its difficult because I then end up feeling emotions that aren't mine and its draining and unproductive.

I am not entirely sure how to stop over identifying with other peoples emotions. I know one of my defense mechanisms in the past has been to form judgements, "yes, yes, its all because your fat and fat people aren't lovable...". I prefer to view things from a more compassionate and realistic perspective where we are all human and learning and growing and dealing with our own battles along the way. Afteral, you never really know about the private battles of the noisy person behind you in the cue or the impatient shop assistant. Its easy to judge wrongly without all the facts.

So far I am just trying to stay with people who are calm and centered. Although I have identified one of the reasons I am so anxious is I pick it up from my mother. I love my Mother dearly and she is an amazing and strong woman but she is very anxious. When she stresses my first instinct is to mimic the same stress and anxiety and then consequently try and fix the percieved cause of her stress. I take full responsibility for my own anxiety although I can see I am mirroring the anxiety my Mother displays. I feel like an amplifier for other peoples emotions, I tune in and then emit it on a stronger level. Its strange and a bit scary. So thats something I am going to have to work through.

[butterflyeffect]

Today I joined a mindfulness and meditation group run by my doctor specifically to learn how to manage emotions. Running once a week for an hour and a half the focus of the group is to understand the nature of our thoughts and how to avoid engaging in thoughts that trigger unwanted patterns.

For me thoughts that trigger unhealthy patterns, are to do with weight. If I get caught up in thoughts of thinness then my world shrinks to my eating disorder and how I need to lose weight or die. Life isn't worth living fat. But if I avoid engaging in those thoughts ironicaly Im slimmer, healthier and making progress to my goals. Whaddya know, the therapist is on to something!!

As part of the wellness journey I have removed all the thinspiration from my room, including pictures of thin people, models and posters with low weights on them. I have replaced them with pictures of healthy foods, healthy models, individuals with fantastic fashion and charisma. Alot of pro ana websites claim inner beauties a lie, but their viewing a 3D world through a 2D lens. Its important to look after your body and soul and develop yourself from the inside out. Your body can only be as good as the fuel it runs on, including the time you take to nourish your soul. So I am taking that time to feed my mind, enjoy the possibilities before me and most of all be grateful for all the lessons I've learnt so far.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

In another thread, it has been brought to my attention that I am picking up on other peoples emotions and confusing them with my own. I do have a very strong heart chakra and sense of compassion for others but this is a bit more than that. Essentially, if you tell me how sad you are about your difficult divorce, I will get really sad too and be able to feel your pain and mirror it and want to help you, like I'm the one getting divorced... Its difficult because I then end up feeling emotions that aren't mine and its draining and unproductive.

Are you really sure they aren't YOUR emotions?

What I mean is....if there's one thing I'm noticing a lot of lately, is that the people we attract in our lives tell us a big old bold story about who we are. There's a reason why people are in your life, but a lot of times we are not aware of that reason or we resist it.

Do you think it's coincidence that you other people's emotions create an emotional reaction with you?

Perhaps, you're able to relate to the person who is going through a divorce because there is some unresolved emotion in you that is activated by that person's experience. See what I'm saying?

[butterflyeffect]

James,

I do see what you are saying. Sometimes I will find myself venehemently loving someone, usually their qualities I aspire too and love about myself, or peope that irratate me, things I dislike about myself being reflected back at me. Although it is more than just that. Quite often I do overidentify with other peoples emotions. I have been told that soo many times by therapists. It doesn't matter what the situation is, if someone is getting really upset I will get really upset with them. I will want to rescue them and if your really happy or hyper, I will mirror it. I am a human mirror. What a scary thought.

Essentially I need to be work on and concentrate on being present to conversations without becoming envoloped in emotions, just allow them to be upset, not take it on. I think part of that is seeing what it brings up for me, observe it but not go into it. Just being present to emotions without letting them overwhelm me, notice when I am projecting or mirroring emotions and stop.

[butterflyeffect]

I am very aware of the friends I choose to hang out with. I consciously choose them. I do not tell them though, "I have deliberately chosen to be friends with you", I just notice myself choosing and hanging with certain types of people.

I always have a bestfriend, someone I spend most of my time and am very close too. That person changes over time and I find someone to go with each new stage of my life. I have had bestfriends since pre-school, I can remember the different stages by thinking about the friends I have had through out.

I love being with people and being included socially. If I go on a holiday I will make friends with other people my age or even at work, I will form alliances and friendships and of course I picked up bestfriends in hospital.

I am capable of being by myself but I prefer to have a close friend. I automatically seek them out. At the moment I conciously choose friends who are not overly complex emotionally. I like to hang out with people with similair interests, like fashion, jewellery and being on the go. I love having pretty and fashionable friends who mirror qualities I admire. Even with my guy friends the ones that I like to hang out with are always competent, fun to be with, laid back, social and reasonably attractive. I stay away from people who seem to be nasty, lack compassion or overly harsh. I seem to be very good at finding and attracting compatible friendships. Its really interesting as every time I go out I am aware of who I am choosing to talk too, who I am interested in be friending and who I pass on. Usually I pass on being friends with people who embody characterstics about myself I dislike or people who are judgemental, I am not judgemental but dislike being judged.

If your in my life, its because I conciously chose to include you. Learn from me, let me learn from you. Coz in this world baby, thats whats its all about. Love. Love yourself and everyone else.

[butterflyeffect]

Spending time with my eating disorder is soo boring!!! I was baking cup cakes with my friend today and decorating them, and I was like, geez, Im kinda over processed foods. It served to highlight the obsession was empty. A reminder that once completed they are empty. As is my Ed. I'm here. I've done everything it wanted and I still feel empty when Im with him.

I feel happy and fufilled when i spend time with people and feel included. I love making collages and gorgeous pictures and my the latest love of my life is clothes. I love commerical fashion. I love couture and designer clothes as well and magazines and vogue. I just love clothes. Not shoes. Clothes. Shoes, I use and abuse, clothes I adore and treasure. I go window shopping and admire all the beautiful clothes and think, "If I become well, all this is within my reach." The drive to be able to wear beautiful clothes and experience new things is keeping me going. I want to try new things.

I went to a Japanese restraunt with my friend today and sat up at the bar to eat. (All the tables were full). I discoverd there is a whole new level of ettique to eating sushi with chop sticks and sitting at a bar. It wasn't daunting, but fun!! I was laughing the whole time, it was so strange and new and fun. I keep reminding myself that this is what wellness means. New experiences, laughs, friends and a life that I don't have to write down to remember. They say "Only good girls keep diaries, bad girls don't have time.", but in the words of Brooke Davis, "I want to live a life that I remember, even if I don't write it down."

I want to fall in love with different people over and over. I want to throw a break up party and watch soppy movies when its over. I want to hook up with the rebound guy and start again. All the while realising that Im okay and always will be. I want to stay out all night and come home when everyone else is leaving for work. I want to get soo drunk I forget what my name is. I want to laugh so much it hurts. I want to be silly. I want to forget the compass and treck on anyway. I want to go sailing. I want to learn to windsurf. I want to live near the beach. I want to model. I want to travel the world. Most of all I want to be well.

[butterflyeffect]

I have been sick for so long I have forgotten what it was like to be well. I mainly just remember life with the Ed and for a while there figured I must have always been sick.

I went through my photo albums of pictures of when I was little, before I got sick. I was going through the photos, I was so pretty, so young, gorgeous and healthy. The extra kilos came with Ed, not before that. I was looking at my family and my syblings. Sometimes they irratate me and I forget how much I love them. Looking at the pictures of all us being little together reminded me of that, I miss being the big sister and keeping an eye for them. I was always particularly protective of my sister, not that she ever needed it.

I am posting all the pictures of myself up all over my room as well as pictures of healthy older people. The Eating Disorder is going to go. Its days are numbered. Im going to get well and rock the world. I am going to put a couple of pictures of myself when I was younger in my wallet, because I don't recognise myself when I look in the mirror. I haven't for years. Its like, this isn't me? Where have I gone? I think your supposed to know what you look like without needing a mirror.

I don't want to hurt the little girl inside of me. I want to stop torturing my body. Interestingly, as I look back at the photos of little happy, smiling me and my family, what I miss most is the love. I feel like I have more money now, a bigger house, but less love. Everyone is always in a rush, always angry and always too busy for a hug. I miss the love. I miss the family road trips. I miss it all.

The one person I want to punish though is the little girl from early primary school. I found a photo of me in Year 1 and staring at the camera, looking vulnerable and cagey unlike most of the other photos and Im in my school uniform. Looking at the photo I feel angry, thoughts come up, "No one liked you. You were weak. You were pathetic. You deserve to hurt. You deserve everything you get." It was strange, I didn't feel that way about most of the other photos but I did about that one. I kept looking at that little girl and thinking you deserve to hurt. I think thats something I have to work through, forgiving the little girl who didn't belong in primary school. I can't keep punishing myself and her because we made a few mistakes in primary school. By mistakes I mean failure to fit in, not driving a fancy enough car, not being cool enough or whatever it is I needed to fit in. I want to let it all go. I want to stop hurting when I think about those years. I think once I stop punishing myself for not being perfect, I will be able to be free, finally.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I miss being the big sister and keeping an eye for them. I was always particularly protective of my sister, not that she ever needed it.

Maybe you could join Big Brothers, Big Sisters.

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

The one person I want to punish though is the little girl from early primary school. I found a photo of me in Year 1 and staring at the camera, looking vulnerable and cagey unlike most of the other photos and Im in my school uniform. Looking at the photo I feel angry, thoughts come up, "No one liked you. You were weak. You were pathetic. You deserve to hurt. You deserve everything you get." It was strange, I didn't feel that way about most of the other photos but I did about that one. I kept looking at that little girl and thinking you deserve to hurt. I think thats something I have to work through, forgiving the little girl who didn't belong in primary school. I can't keep punishing myself and her because we made a few mistakes in primary school. By mistakes I mean failure to fit in, not driving a fancy enough car, not being cool enough or whatever it is I needed to fit in. I want to let it all go. I want to stop hurting when I think about those years. I think once I stop punishing myself for not being perfect, I will be able to be free, finally.

So, what is it about those years that activates you? Sounds like those things you said ("You were weak, you were pathetic, you deserve to hurt") might be echos of things somebody else said to you...or things you said to yourself to cope with something that happened to you...or something like that.

Perhaps the roots of your ED are buried in those years and the decisions you made about yourself in those years.

[butterflyeffect]

@James,
I like that idea, I think I will look into doing some sort of mentoring with kids. I adore children. I would make a fabulous mentor, I would so get everything and not judge or rescue.

Yes, your right. The root of my eating disorder is in the beliefs about myself and decisions I have made years ago. I think I need to do some EFT on the issue and then actually call the Leftkoe institute and organise to eliminate those beliefs about myself. Ahh procrastination, completed the DVD, bought the sessions and just avoid scheduling them...

I finally understand the Ed though, its about punishing myself for being imperfect and also trying to simultaneously find a way to belong. I definatley like belonging to things.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Yes, your right. The root of my eating disorder is in the beliefs about myself and decisions I have made years ago. I think I need to do some EFT on the issue and then actually call the Leftkoe institute and organise to eliminate those beliefs about myself. Ahh procrastination, completed the DVD, bought the sessions and just avoid scheduling them...

One of the hardest things for me to finally get my head around was the idea that there is nothing to DO. It's such a foreign notion, especially in our "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" society. There is nothing that you'll DO to "fix" yourself. And the reason for that is that there is nothing to fix. You are perfect just the way you are, in every way, in everything you do.

But we, as people, don't want to believe that. We think that if we aren't improving or fixing, we are stagnating or dying. There is nothing that we need to do to be the highest possibility we have for ourselves. We're already being that thing. We just aren't choosing it.

[butterflyeffect]

My reaction to your latest post was "Go away. I hate you."

Moving beyond the initial reaction, I don't like the idea that I am perfect the way I am. I want to punish the person inside for being less than perfect, for failing everyone by not being perfect. To punish myself for all the pain my family has experienced, which is of course my fault.

I hate looking in the mirror. I never see myself, I see someone else and their pale and sick looking. I keep saying to myself, thats not me, Im healthy....Logically, it has to be me, I know that but deep down I don't believe it. Its scary to admit that. I don't want to admit to the damage I've caused. I want it to go away.

I don't feel ready to say, Im perfect the way I am. It feels like Im lying to myself. I am getting used to being imperfect, to making mistakes and laughing about it but being perfect sounds very high pressure. I don't want to be perfect. I want to stay away from that label. Im okay the way I am but im choosing to heal.

[butterflyeffect]

Ohh I get it. Yah, snaps for me!!

I am okay the way I am. I can choose to change or stay the same either way Im still lovable. I don't have to do anything to become lovable or deserving, humans are just born that way.

** yeah I get that. I don't like the word perfect because for me it comes with the connotations of unattainable standards and supermodels. I prefer the word okay, connotations of safe and well.

I know that Im okay the way I am. I know that people like me regardless of the Ed, I know that Im fine. I just prefer and choose to seek wellness instead. I feel better when I remove limiting beliefs, I feel free-er and happier.

Lol im not sure im still making sense. Im going to go to bed now. Night x

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

My reaction to your latest post was "Go away. I hate you."

I have a friend who has an ED (Bulimia, just like you). And for the most part, she's always been this bubbly source of inspiration to me. Just an absolute sweetheart, always rooting for me and always excited for the breakthroughs I have in my life.

Up until a week or so ago, she had never ever really said much negative to me or snapped at me (she HAS been blunt with her advice to me, but it was in a "tough love" kind of way).

Why did she "lash out" at me? Because I told her something similar to what I just told you. And that I thought she was doing great.

My first reaction to your post was, "D'oh, I did it again! I wasn't listening!"

I guess our first reactions to things can be to be defensive...to kind of pull away to heal from what we perceive as an attack (even if we know it's not an attack, it can still feel that way).

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Moving beyond the initial reaction, I don't like the idea that I am perfect the way I am. I want to punish the person inside for being less than perfect, for failing everyone by not being perfect. To punish myself for all the pain my family has experienced, which is of course my fault.

I hate looking in the mirror. I never see myself, I see someone else and their pale and sick looking. I keep saying to myself, thats not me, Im healthy....Logically, it has to be me, I know that but deep down I don't believe it. Its scary to admit that. I don't want to admit to the damage I've caused. I want it to go away.

I don't feel ready to say, Im perfect the way I am. It feels like Im lying to myself. I am getting used to being imperfect, to making mistakes and laughing about it but being perfect sounds very high pressure. I don't want to be perfect. I want to stay away from that label. Im okay the way I am but im choosing to heal.

Yeah, I know that feeling..."I'm lying to myself." That's pretty familiar.

The "choosing to heal" part is interesting to me too, because I just recently said that to someone (that I'm choosing to heal, for myself and for others). Kind of funny to me to realize that I've been talking to someone who is thinking the same thing.

I wonder, though, if our choice to "heal" is producing just that...a need for something to heal FROM.

[butterflyeffect]

I disagree. Just because you choose to heal doesn't mean you have to heal from something. Healing is unconditionally loving yourself.

Oh and I can tell yo why your friend is mad at you. To me her response makes sense on an innate level. But im not sure how to explain it to you.

One of my main memories of hosptial (their blurring together lately) is a group therapy session. I was crying at that point, really really upset. As part of the group homework, the doctor had made everyone choose a name out of a hat and tell the person we received two ways in which they were sabotaging their recovery. Confronting for all involved. Anyway, I was told that I was trying to maintain too much rigid control and ignoring my body/intuition. My response was "I can't trust my body. I've spent so long destroying it, it won't know whats normal or healthy anymore." The doctor then asked if anyone else felt the same way? Every other girl raised her hand and it was a tense atmosphere. Then he asked us to believe him and try and trust our bodies because it would take time but the damage could be healed. There was so much fear there, so much angst and tears. I genuinely thought I had permantly destroyed my body and for someone who still thinks that to hear "Your body is fine, its perfect the way it is. It doesn't need to heal" is the worst kind of kick in the guts. You have spent all this time and energy chasing an illusion and wrecked your body in the process and its just written off with some fake speil. If you had said that to me at the time, my response wouldn't have been kind and caring either, rather hurt and angry.

Im sure you didn't mean it in a nasty way, but thats my understanding of how it would have been interpreted. How I would have seen it.

[butterflyeffect]

My darling Eating Disorder,

I don't miss you one bit. In fact I desire to be rid of you. To be completley healthy. You make a walking mockery of me and I'm tired of it.

I have my sights set high. I want to be well. I want to glow with health. Proccessed foods have lost their appeal but the dangerous obsession with thin still lingers. Its fine tight rope I'm walking, I want a career of beauty and thinness yet I refuse to play your games? Ironic hey. Ultimatley, the career will win out. I want to have that career. I need to have that career. I hope you understand dear one, but not even you can get in my way.

Next semester I am going back to university. I want to study and do well. No more anxiety. Your free to go. Off along your merry way. I've joined the Meditation group on Mondays, so I have communal support now. Its always helped in the past, why should it stop now?

I want to take up photography. I want to take the beautiful pictures I adore. So I need to get working on finding a basic course, 1 day a week at the local tafe. Nothing to complex but something to allow me to further explore my interest. I know for a while there, you worried I would not be a success. There was no need. I will always succeed. Just because I stumble along the way doesn't mean I'm any less determined. Rather it acts to strengthen my resolve.

Your not part of my identity anymore. We're no longer a package deal. I'm not even an avaliable deal. I want to be well, I want to be thin, I want to be happy. Processed foods made me miserable, so did avoidance and exams.

Im going to reach my goals. Its just a matter of time. The world needs help, I want to show people that they have it wrong. You don't have a happy ending to an unhappy journey. Its only by loving yourself that you can heal. I love you and I appreciate all you have taught me but I am moving on. Where Im going, I recognise the person in the mirror.

xxxx

[butterflyeffect]

I feel a major shift in my identity since changing my enviroment. I have removed all the thinspiration and replaced it with pictures of myself before my illness and then also pictures of individuals my age group who are well. I keep reminding myself of my goals and its working.

When I look at the photos, I think thats me, that is where I am going to be. The Ed still comes into my thoughts but its lacking force now, its an irratation. The thoughts surrounding food are just that thoughts. I am still struggling a bit but now I am eating lots of fruit. Admittedly, I am stuffing myself with fruit. I am still trying to find a balance and eat normal meals and 2 pieces of fruit a day, but its progress. The sort of progress that won't go away if I stop focusing on it. I am working with my body. I love my body. I have developed a deep appreciation for my body. I have become so aware of my body and and Im trying to trust it. I am listening when my stomach gets swollen and sore and stop eating. I am not putting processed foods in my body.

The big challenge for me now is to incorporate more foods into my diet, I am currently eating strawberries, rye bread, cherries and tuna sushi. The occassional pieces of lindt chocolate, read 100g. Its tricky because my stomach is so volatile after the abuse it doesn't want anything heavy so I am seeing a doctor in a few weeks to help me diagnose what is actually going on in my tummy and how to fix it.

[butterflyeffect]

The next two weeks are going to be an excellent way to build character and strength. All things that will serve me well in my career later on. In the short term I have to manage my eating disorder admist the chaos.

It feels like my whole family is on edge and I am just sitting through one blow up after another. Everyone is getting sick and there are exams coming up. I take it all in my stride and avoid blowing up and snarky remarks. While the sarcastic comments come out occasionally on the whole I'm pretty good. Just laughing it off as the grandparents yell every second and my family drives me crazy. I dream of moving out but deep down I know their not the problem, its my perceptions and coping skills. People only become annoying when you choose to let them.

I am doing alot of deep breathing and cleaning. Both of which are keeping me sane. I think cleanliness is promotes sanity. Also I am being very careful not to pressure myself with excess social commitments. I need to just stay focused on surviving the next few weeks and then moving on with my life. I'm definatley glad that I joined the Monday night meditation group, I think it will help me keep my sanity admist the chaos.

[butterflyeffect]

I have been doing so much shopping lately!!!!!!! It doesn't seem to matter much which store either. I love looking at all the clothes, trying them on and then looking at the adds or if its a food stores looking at all the foods. Haha I have to say though, Im a girly girl, so its girls shops and lots of dresses.

Every since pre-school, maybe even before that, I have always loved dresses and skirts. Just as well Im not a boy... In fact I hate wearing jeans and shorts, long time problem. In fact in pre school I would ONLY wear dresses, or I would cry until I got to change. So in facing my fears I have been making a big effort to try and wear jeans. Its tricky, I always feel really self concious and uncomfortable. I much prefer wearing a myriad of high fashion dresses and skirts but I'm hoping that will change.

I have also been doing alot of jewellery shopping, window shopping really. I love looking at all the gorgeous jewellery in the windows and it makes me miss working with it. I love the advertisments they create. I love advertising and magazines. Its really interesting to keep discovering things I like and feel passionate about. Its strange because all these things exist outside of my obsessive bubble.

I have been sketching. I did alot of art in school and have started sketching my own versions of the fashion pictures in my room. Haha I am hopeless at hands and faces but I have the rest down pat. I love it. I want to take an art class this term. I love photography as well and Im starting to appreciate teh beauty of the world much more.

I have been practising my mindfulness and breathing alot. I find I get super anxious at night. Funnily enought, thats also when I like to binge or sneak off to go do my extra shopping. Armed with that awareness I am better able to deal with the situation. I have tried using EFT to calm down the anxiety but just breathing deeply and saying "I am aware I am feeling anxious" works better at this point. I just keep breathing deeply and sitting with it. I do eat fruit at night though and that needs to stop. But its baby steps and Im getting there. I don't really relate to the earlier parts of this thread. I know I wrote it but I feel a large disconnect between the two mindsets. I am also more reluctant to use the pet name for my illness, 'Ed'.

Anyway, I want to start allowing my creativity to flow freely. I have always been very creative and I'm tired of exersizing it through crazy eating disordered schemes and escape plots. Seriously, you haven't gone shopping, till you've shopped with me. I can ditch the trained nurses or my parents in a shopping spree, people actively aware of my games, let alone innocent by standers. That no longer fills me with pride, it makes me nauesous and embarrased to admit. Who wants to shop with houdini? Not meeeeeee. Nope, I am going to start experimenting with photography and sketching. I have started reading all the fashion blogs, I love fashion, particularly the commercial chains lately. I love the fashion advertisments and big magazines like Vogue, Oyster and Harpers Bazaar. I have stopped looking at magazines as bibles, rather seeing them as businesses. Observing how the products are sold, the beautiful advertisments, the merchandising and of course the models. Life feels so interesting now. There is so much to notice and appreciate. I have even taken an interest in my brothers fish!!! They live in an enormous tank and it turns out there are different breeds of catfish.

I am going to write a story. I want to write a short story about my Eating Disorder, the underground networks, the nursing staff, the bonding, the ward rounds, the school like enviroment. The beautiful people who struggle who are so full of potential. Not a pity me story, but a story to inspire and allow people to borrow strength from. Some sort of story which narrates a different world and gives the responder the passport. Im still thinkiing it through although I won't tell the audience upfront everyone has an Ed, its going to be more from the patients perspective. Hosptial for me was like school, I experienced so much there and it would make an excellent narrative. Maybe even a best seller. I have always fancied being famous.. Jokes aside, I value the experiences and I want to craft a story to share it all from another angle.

[butterflyeffect]

I have read several articles today that suggest that clutter both physical and emotional exacerbates stress and leads to weight gain.

Interestingly, I have a very low tolerance for mess. I like things to be neat and tidy. Depsite my preference my room is still too messy for comfort. I clean it every night and then by the next night it is in the same state.. I really struggle with being able to maintain the cleanliness. I am going to have to try and create systems to solve the issue. I see my room as a sanctuary.
Everything needs to be neat and tidy. The walls are a neutral cream and there are lots of motivational pictures that I change constantly. I love inspiring pictures.

Also I need to continue to practise deep breathing during periods of high anxiety. When I get anxious, I seek to soothe it, usually with food. But as I stand back and observe myself through the day, I can now pick the patterns and the increased anxiety that accompanies it. So now I am doing alot of deep breathing, noticing and trying to shift my mind back. Its tricky. I tend to compromise and breathe deeply and then clean or do something else. Interestingly my psychiatrist's favourite word is "Resist".

[butterflyeffect]

I am now actively choosing to be happy and love myself regardless of my weight. I trust my body to help me achieve my goals.

I am choosing to trust my body.

I choose to go to the gym in the mornings for the love it rather than for weight loss. I love exersize.

I choose to see the good in people and be compassionate.

I choose to delegate authority to my therapist and doctor and let them guide me.

I choose to love myself. I choose to enjoy my job. I choose to learn and enjoy my life. I choose to be inspired by the little things and keep striving. I choose to be grateful for everything I do have.

I choose to keep my power.

[butterflyeffect]

I love One Tree Hill. I love watching all seven series and seeing the characters grow as they travel through adolesense and then adulthood. Sometimes I was too caught up in my own world to learn the lessons life was trying to teach me. So now I have the chance to learn them over. Quotes that stayed with me.

"Sometimes the beauty is in the attempt. We took a shot. We gave it everything we could and we did it well. It just didn't work out. And when that happens you have two options, you can pout at your loss or you can celebrate the attempt." Reese, the director of Lucas's movie after the production is shut down due to politics.

"Sometimes you can illuminate a small part of someones world by sharing a part of yours." Lucas Scott on the reasons for making his movie.

"Just remember its too early for you too start playing the game.. The truth matters so tell it." Hayley Scott on standing up for you believe in.

"People who are meant to be together always find a way to each other." Brooke Davis on love.

[butterflyeffect]

I find that I automatically seek to measure my worth against those of people around me. What are they doing? Am I doing better? How can I stay ahead? But for the last few months, I have stopped comparing. My new motto is "Never compare, never compete." I conciously choose role models and learn from them but I don't seek to compete with them.

Its been an interesting shift and I still find myself trying to compete with others, particularly my syblings,but when I notice myself doing it, I just shift my awareness back and focus on myself.

Truthfully, I can't know what advantages and disadvantages you have or the people Im competing with posess, so yes I will always be able to beat someone and be beaten by someone else but how does that help me grow? It doesn't. I am now judging myself based on how hard I tried, what I learnt, what I think and learning from others. Its more peaceful and I find I am learning more. I don't have to try and prove myself as much. Although interestingly, I still do try and explain and justify my choices. I am always seeking to pidgeon myself in the middle, not to stand out too much as a super high achiever but not be a drop out either. I am still working on it. I am trying to conciously stop limiting myself and just focus internally. Stop explaining, stop comparing, stop telling even. Just do it.

[butterflyeffect]

I was getting dressed to go out and doing my usual routine of trying on different dresses and internally hating my body for not being thin enough.

Then it hit me, its just a projection. My bodies not the problem. I am. I am the one who needs to heal on a soul level, on mind level and then on a body level. My body is a wonderful gift but my hate for it is really just a way of expressing anxiety about myself.

Am I smart enough?
Am I achieving my goals?
Am I progressing?

Rather than answer those questions, I get tied up in side issues like food and weight and therefore gain weight instead. So I am now going to focus on the core issues and recognise when Im projecting and shift my awareness back to the present moment.

[butterflyeffect]

Lately when I go out and do new things I have become very aware of my enviroment and being in the present moment. Its funny because I feel like I am experiencing everything differently and coming to different conclusions as a result.

I went out tonight with my friends for drinks and I saw the whole community of people I went to school with or know to look at from living in the same area for my whole life. It was strange to see everyone and notice that I have changed, they've changed and some people are still the same. I talked to a few people from primary school and high school and I felt new and different, I was seeing them through a new lens as well. The odd person who was rude or difficult, remiscent of how I expected everyone to be, just highlighted to me they weren't comfortable in themselves yet. Anyone who criticises or judges me harshly isn't my problem, I just look at them think, I hope you start to like yourself more, because really your just projecting.

The comments about my weight have started again. My family loves me and I appreciate everything they do to try and help me get well but Im not perfect and I still struggle. Sometimes that love comes out in snarky comments and telling me to "Try harder" or "Just go the gym" or yelling all their frusrations at me and threatening to withdraw treatment anytime I make a mistake. I no longer let it upset me. I just think their scared and upset. Even if they did give up, I'd find someone else to help me. Truth is Im going to get better and Im improving all the time. So when I go out and see things and experience new things that other people think are ordinary, I come back and say "that was strange" strange in that it was differently to how I always thought it was and new and Im grateful for that.

I want to get well but at the same time I feel like I need my family to stop trying to help me so that I have the space to help myself. I want to be able to feed myself correctly, manage my own exersize and social life and I can't if they keep stepping in and doing it for me. Its upsetting because I go to make a plate of food and they take it away and do it instead or start taking some away. I appreciate the help but I need to be the one putting the food on, asking the questions and learning. I feel like Im not a baby anymore and I want to start to do things for myself and then show them as im doing it so they can see that im improving.

I have stopped trying to prove to everyone Im well. It will show eventually until they just have to see what they want. I can't control their emotions or limit their pain if they refuse to listen.

[Honeywith4bees]

Your posts are very inspiring butterflyeffect ~ it's exciting to see your metamorphism. I also find myself learning things about myself through reading your posts and hearing you express how you relate with your family (being a mother and all. )

Thank you for having the courage to share your posts with us!

[butterflyeffect]

@Thank you Honeywith4bees. Its been a gradual process but Im learning so much as well. I am glad to here that I am inspiring others as well.

[butterflyeffect]

I have noticed there is alot of anxiety and concern coming from my family in regard to my eating. I also get worried and anxious when they get upset and the more anxious I get, the more I tend to eat, which acts to compound the problem. As always my family is coming from a place of love but the reality is that they are frustrated and tired. They don't want to play games anymore and are coming to the end of their tether and the stress and anxiety shows.

I know that I could just ignore their anxiety and just do my own thing but that is not worked well in the past. I am part of the family unit and wish to be intergrated within the unit. So in order to minimise the stress and anxiety for me and them I am going to find a dietician written meal plan and post it on the fridge with specified times that I will be eating at. Then I will have a clean structure to follow and that will reduce my anxiety as I can look at it rationally and see that:
1. I do have enough food
2. No one can take food off the plan and Im not going to starve
3. The diet is regulated and I won't gain weight

Also for my family this will give them something concrete to cling too and I can show them I am able to eat to a meal plan to the best of my ability. It won't be perfect at first but thats not the point.

For example.

Breakfast:
7am -9am: 1 Piece of fruit before the gym and 2 pieces of toast and tuna after the gym.

The other thing my family tends to worry about particularly my mother and sister is whether I am actually progressing. Any signs of a binge and they are furious. Again, threats to withdraw support and guilt trips, while it is difficult, I understand their tired and worried and losing hope. I don't blame them I just wish they could see that I am getting better and I am improving.

So in order to introduce structure and reduce arguments, I am going to try and be as transparent as possible. I do find it difficult because the ed is an instinctually a very private and secretive and when its brought out into public I feel very vulnerable. But I would rather be well so this is how I am choosing to proceed.

I am going to get my Psychiatrist to talk to my doctor periodically, ironically they never talk... I am then going to ask my Doctor to talk to my parents regularly and keep them up to date with things and announce everything Im doing as I do it. Ie. Going to the therapist now... Had a good session with the therapist we discussed X. Going to meditation now. Home now. Going to the gym now. I know it sounds over the top but I think once trust is established and their confidence in me returns we will have much more placid and calm lives, more conducive to healing as well.

[butterflyeffect]

Looking back over my previous post, I originally though I had found the solution. Stop being secretive and give up control. The irony is that I have done this before, over and over. I have just forgotten, I remembered today while I was talking to my Mom. She is like, "We tried that before, remember?"

I don't want my sister to tell me what to do, I don't want a tumultuous 17 year old interfering with my Eating Disorder. She has a classic pattern, extending the hand of support in an aggressive fashion and trying to force me to comply and then giving up at the first sign of a tantrum and throwing up her hands and saying, "I'm over this ****. Don't come crying to me about how you want to get well and be a model." And then the cycle repeats. She has seen my doctors, they have spoken before, they have come with me to hospital and day program. I think my family are living in hope of me getting better but view any sign of faultering a complete relapse and indication that Im just not trying.

I am at peace with my eating disorder for now. I get upset and I throw tantrums and I cry about how I want to be healthy. Its all true. I do want to be healthy and I do sabotage that. I don't want to fight with my family, so I am going to try just surrendering. Working out what it is I want and then doing it. If my family feel the need to comment on every single thing I do I will just go with it. Thank them and keep going. I have to try and stop resisting.

At this point I am confused as to what to do. I am going to try surrendering my control. I don't want to play this game anymore. I have new interests and having the same argument with my sister is tedious. I am trying to develop independance but my family is actively standing in the way of that. They are doing it out of love but at the same time I need to be able to do things myself. I know I am repeating myself but thats because none of it makes any sense. I just feel like everyone is holding on so tight to Ed that I'm being smothered. I can't come out and develop my new self with all this overwhelming negativity and anger.

So I am meditating, I am distancing and I am trying. I have made my room my sanctuary and I trying. I feel like if I could move into a different enviroment without support, I would fall flat on my face initially but then pick myself up and start getting better. At the moment there is so much support, I can't breathe, let alone fall.

[butterflyeffect]

I am simply going to surrender to my families dramatics and proceed with my life. I am not going to take any of it on board, I am just going to notice it, acknowledge it and move forward.

I am going to try and stop defending myself and my actions. I have stopped explaining. If they choose to believe I am not trying, thats their business. Their not in charge of my recovery anyway, I am.

I am going to be at peace with them. I have given them copies of my meal plan and posted a copy in the kitchen. If they desire, they can have a look at it.

I am moving away from the family support structure. I am seeking to work with people who are uninvolved emotionally but still remain kind and genuine in their care. No one likes seeing a talking textbook for support. I am looking to find a day program to join, similiar to previous ones, where I worked closely with a group of individuals with similiar issues ran by a psychologist and we met one day a week and it was all intergrated. The psychiatrist, dietician, psychologist all talked. Everyone knew the score.

I am seeing a specialist gastrointeroligist in August and transitioning from my GP. I am relieved because he is wonderful but like the psychiatrist, works as an island and Im meant to be the faciliator and it doesn't work well for me. I want to go to a program once or twice a week, close to home, run by a treatment team that I can work with and generate positive results and eventually graduate from.

I am choosing to avoid entering into discussions and justifications with my family. I am sure the sting of their false accusations will lessen over time as I desensitise. For example this morning, I was literally woken up to a screaming family members convinced I had eaten their pizza. I calmy explained I had not, more screaming and accusations. I remained calm. Half an hour later, my Dad realised that actually my brother and his friend would have eaten it not me. It seems no matter how transparent I am they will always jump to me as the first target. They mutter a half hearted sorry afterwards and then do it again. Or they find items I have binged on and stand around as a family, holding up said item in the air and scream at me and go on and on. Its embarassing and humiliating and makes me regret letting the item be found, rather than eating it. Again I am seeking to distance myself from my family as much as possible. I in no way blame them, there is no right or wrong way to behave in light of the circumstances. But right now I hate them. I hate them for being so smothering and accusing. I am trying to let that go but its difficult.

[butterflyeffect]

Yesterday highlighted to me the importance of protecting my boundaries in order to allow me to feel safe in my enviroment. When I begin to feel unsafe, I tend to binge and do other self soothing behaviors on autopilot and it sends me backwards.

I went shopping yesterday with an extremely underweight friend. She spent the trip trying on dresses and I watched and helped her choose. It was fine on the surface but on a deeper level I was really struggling. It really hit home to me how much weight I had piled on and I began to feel really edgy. I felt obsese and abnormal, very much like I was back in hospital.

When I go shopping with friends who are of healthy weights, I feel normal and motivated towards my health goals but this shopping experience was anything but. I was struggling to make conversation away from the Ed and just keep going. I hid it well but I was relieved when it was over. It took me hours to calm down and process it afterwards. I just felt very anxious and worried because looking at someone so thin, was very stressful. One part of me has always wanted to be tiny and another part resists that, and then playing that out in real life was awful. In fact I just felt like I was getting sick during the experience, I definately do not want to do that again.

I didn't say anything to my friend, she has her own issues and it is my responsibility to work through mine, not hers. She adores cooking and I can't stand it and I am begining to realise I need to spend more time with healthy people. I can't keep a foot in both worlds. I need to be moving only with healthy and well people. I can't spend time with sick people in terms of baking, shopping or other things that bring a focus on food or size.