Beating Bulimia

[danas]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I'm glad that you shared with me. I found it really powerful and inspiring.
Its funny how the illness can stay secret for so long even after people get well. I have noticed that in a few people who have recovered, they just shut the door on that part of their life and don't look back. I can understand that though.

I dont think I shut the door, its more that I was ashamed of it.
I only share things like this if I feel someone will gain something I guess.

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I have decided to let go of the unrealistic expectations, the need to prove something. I was going for a walk and I ended up talking to an old lady watering her garden, she was glowing at having someone to talk too. It felt really great to be able to give. I like that idea. To focus on being of service by being myself and smiling at people, having conversations, hugs and other things rather than getting caught up in the anxiety of being perfect.

Great! This is what I mean. I know its not always easy. There is also something very powerful about saying "I am not perfect".

"For When I'm Weak I'm Strong"

[butterflyeffect]

I think its great that you have fully recovered. When I was in hospital they liked to pump out the myth that no one ever fully recovers, its always there in the background, just not as strong. I never bought into that logic.
It seemed too devoid of hope and left nothing to strive for.

I really like your idea of seeing things holistically, having inner harmony between your body, spiritual practise and helping others rather than focusing all of ones energy on punishment and perfection.

When I originally started this thread I was inadvertantly, trying to fit my recovery into the same box as my illness. If I can't be perfect, then I'd rather be sick and I refuse to be sick, so I have to be perfect. Your words showed an array of options. Mainly, the option of letting go of the absolutes, the body obession and unhealthy eating and still remaining attractive, healthy and giving. I believed that if I stopped trying to beat my body into submission it would become unhealthy, unattractive and I would be no use to anyone. I'm really grateful to hear I was wrong.

Thank you for just being you.

[butterflyeffect]

I'm done with ice-cream and chocolate. Processed foods in general.

Its finally clicked, I was standing in Woolworths to buy I tub of ice-cream, the cold burning my fingers as I held it but there was no thrill, no excitement, I even tried to convince myself it would come as soon as I started eating it. No thrill, I just feel sick. I didn't finish it and I have thrown it away. I didn't even make it to half way. Its lost its appeal. I'd rather be flawed than fat. The only reason to keep buying the ice-creams, the chocolates and the other junk is because thats why I have always done.

I am scared. I can't hide behind the Eating Disorder anymore.

I would have done better, but I was sick.
I gave it my best shot and I'm proud of that.

If I get well then I will have to eat foods I hate.
Strange logic here, my family eats alot of meat and I find it very distressing to think about the animal and struggle on a physical level to process it. I'm letting go, I am moving to a primarily vegetarian diet. No more steaks or chicken legs, no more tears . I feel relieved.

I have made the moves to become more independant and I have adopted other soothing behaviors. Cleaning...lol when I feel anxious I clean things up. Makes me popular when I visit my friends. And knitting, scarf anyone? Lol.

[danas]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I'm done with ice-cream and chocolate. Processed foods in general.

Its finally clicked, I was standing in Woolworths to buy I tub of ice-cream, the cold burning my fingers as I held it but there was no thrill, no excitement, I even tried to convince myself it would come as soon as I started eating it. No thrill, I just feel sick. I didn't finish it and I have thrown it away. I didn't even make it to half way. Its lost its appeal. I'd rather be flawed than fat. The only reason to keep buying the ice-creams, the chocolates and the other junk is because thats why I have always done.

I am scared. I can't hide behind the Eating Disorder anymore.

I would have done better, but I was sick.
I gave it my best shot and I'm proud of that.

If I get well then I will have to eat foods I hate.
Strange logic here, my family eats alot of meat and I find it very distressing to think about the animal and struggle on a physical level to process it. I'm letting go, I am moving to a primarily vegetarian diet. No more steaks or chicken legs, no more tears . I feel relieved.

I have made the moves to become more independant and I have adopted other soothing behaviors. Cleaning...lol when I feel anxious I clean things up. Makes me popular when I visit my friends. And knitting, scarf anyone? Lol.

The other day I had some raw ice-cream, and there's raw chocolate too.
Focus on eating all non processed foods and you may discover that you can eat the foods you love which are also nourishing for your body and wont make you gain weight ....
Before I went raw I didnt enjoy food. I was afraid of it!
Since going raw I love food again. i love making tasty nourishing dishes.
You dont need to go all raw, but not eating processed foods is a great idea

[butterflyeffect]

It all comes from Love. Success and love go hand in hand. I am begining to realise that deep down love and truth are incredibly powerful.

I am trying to beat my body into submission. I am trying to force my body to look like the supermodels on the catwalk and in the process destroying it. While outwardly it sounds cliched, I think that I want to be small again, I want to avoid growing up, I want to be little again. This whole illness is based on fear and denial. I am begining to realise the path to recovery lies ahead and in order to succeed and be truly happy and lose weight I have to do it from a place of love.

I am in an interesting place, where binging has lost its appeal and soothing qualities but I'm not quite well either. I have alot of agitation arise lately, or feelings of sadness and at those times I am very tempted to just eat. To brush everything under the carpet and go back to the illness. Its at those times that I realise everything I am doing, it needs to be because I love myself. That I want my body to be as healthy as possible and not because I want to get well so I can lose weight and be thin.

The key factor here seems to being able to tolerate the difficult feelings without reaching for a crutch. I have been sitting with them, but the skill here is not getting overwhelmed by the feelings and dive into all the reasons behind them and try to solve or cure them. Rather to accept them, sit with them and let them pass. In order to do this I have been doing alot of knitting, just sitting and knitting. The other temptation here is the need to distract, but essentially my wellness is going to come from self love and acceptance and part of that is negative feelings. Its a long journey but I'm getting there.

[James81]

Took this quote from your newest thread and I thought, rather than say this in that thread, that I'd mention this here...

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I will look around at my life and think this isn't what its supposed to be like.

This is interesting to me, actually, because you're only the second person that I "know" that has an ED, and the other person that I know has said this same thing. I wonder if it's connected somehow?

[butterflyeffect]

Ahhh James always so smart and wise. Nothing gets past you.

My lifes mission since pre school has been to be small, beautiful and popular. I got sick in early high school and the ED promised me a way to fit in, to be cool. Essentially, you get thin enough and the you will fit in. Its upsetting because alot of the the beliefs and views that I held as true are inaccurate. I have to face upto that. The promises the ED made are never going to come true. It was all misconceptions.

[butterflyeffect]

@James: Ok, I can finally see the connection. The idea behind the ED and the driving force is initially the belief that doing all these behaviors and losing weight will bring you the inner fufilment your looking for. Then when you do look around you realise that its not true. It lied, its never going to make you happy, bring you friends or wealth or anything positive. All the goals you set and visualised the ED making come true are not possible with the ED around. Its then that the sadness sets in, the guilt and the upset.

[geniegal]

Hi Butterfly effect

I have a history of 27 years compulsive eating and I really recognise all the analysis you keep doing about your ED plus the very ambitious ideals you have for how you want to be.

I am exiting it all now and hopefully I can help you with my story.

I only recently started going to an ED group - initially it felt great - look, everyone understands me! but there was a real ethos of 'you can come out of this, but it takes years of really hard work and therapy'. At the same time I was doing alot of manifesting financial security , reading about LOA etc which was really really working. The 2 were really jarring in my mind so I thought Id try applying LOA to my ED

last week I hit quite a low point of just eating insanely, feeling very fat and low self esteem. In this forum someone told me about the grounding cord for dealing with general anxieties.

I googled this and found these resources

How to Create a Grounding Cord During Meditation | eHow.com

and

YouTube - New Pleiadian Essential Daily Practices SOLARA AN-RA

I tried these and they felt really quite amazing

I play around with the grounding cord meditation - for example anxious thought just crowd my head when I wake up, so I imagine myself lying on a lilo on a amazing blue sea, visualise my need to eat complusively and all the self limiting crap as pebbes in my intestines then the grounding cord opens and down they all rattle into sea bed.

At this point I am totally empty of any beliefs, so I use the idea of the sun or light from above to give me the beliefs i want to have:

I eat slowly
Food is only food, it can't do anything more
Food is boring
I am OK leaving food on the plate

It's like the light shines all over me and I self instruct with these beliefs

It took me a while to actually be specific about these instructions and I still sometimes fight them especially the 4th one. I think it's important to persevere even if you feel uncomfortable with them - my thinking is that if you keep self instructing while in a state of deep relaxation your mind will accept these beliefs

notice also these instructions are simple and practical rather than end goals - they allow me to cahnge my actions in the here and now.

I find that if i do these first thing they have a profound effect on my eating in the day - like it is just easier to control my eating. And now i have made the decision to not go back to the ED group, because I cannot honestly say i define myself as someone who has an ED.

I hope you will have ago at these. I have still not made up my mind about whether LOA exercises like these versus therapy etc is the answer to ridding yourself of an ED, but I like the idea of trying out a belief to see.

BTW I disagree with steves post about the past equalling the future - i posted in that thread about that article. LOA means you have a greater control over your future than you could have ver dreamt possible

[butterflyeffect]

Hey Geniegal,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the meditations and practical advice. I will definately give it a try tonight before I go to bed. I get really really anxious at night actually so that will probably be a huge help.

I have done alot of group therapy over the years. Sometimes it was really really helpful and othertimes it just felt really negative and destructive, like Eating Disorder University. Learn how to be as sick as possible and divorce yourself from reality 101. The big factors for me were the people in the groups, were we all compatible and at similiar stages with a good therapist or not. I do think whether group therapy helps or not depends on the individual as well. Glad to hear your following your intuition.

I think with EDs there is no simple answer but on the other hand it doesn't always take years to get better, some people report making massive progress in just a few months. I tend to feel for me it is going to take a long time because there is alot of complex medical problems that come into play as well. I think LOA is important though and one can do both. I have had alot of therapy in the past and it helped but I have also found the alternate therapy styles really helpful as well, like EFT, The Leftkoe Method, Samona Sound Therapy and accupuncture.

Its really interesting that you say you don't define yourself as having an ED. I wonder what I would feel like if I stopped defining myself like that. I notice in my writing and communications with people on a deeper level it always comes up. Like I am a package deal, me and my Eating disorder. I find it strange and maybe even scary to think about what it would be like to drop that label. So thats something I need to think about.

[geniegal]

Hi butterfly effect

(will try and concentrate while my toddler cries in next room. 3rd night in a row he has woken up and i am using LOA to will him to sleep.)

i dont feel so strong today but i would def say that i am still in the exiting the problem mode. its like my psyche is in limbo

i think you should try not discussing your ED just for 1 or 2 days - to see if you feel any different. I notice you spend a long time describing it and your relationship with it, even giving it a name and human personality.

Whether you are handing your power over to it and manifesting its domination over your life OR working through a necessary thought/emotion process, i dont know. I'm very excited by the possibilities LOA is opening up in my life but I have made great progress in the past by analysing and thinking my ED through - for example when I read Fat Is A Feminist Issue by Susi Orbach

Love the Eating Disorder university analogy. I just cannot go back to that group I was in or even contact them as I would apologise - and I'm just not doing that.

I am a great one for getting caught up in the novelty of a new idea but time will tell if i stick at it (see, not so hot today)...one thing that does work for me when I apply it is EFT just before every time I eat

Tom is losing his power and dropping off hurray!

[butterflyeffect]

I have tried over the weekend not talking about my Eating Disorder, it was horrible. My family would have been relieved, they are over it and don't want to here about it. I prefer acknowledging it at this point although I will probably lose interst in that soon too.

I can see that personifying the illness does seem strange but for me its quite normal. I can tell you what Ed looks like, which chair he sits in and what he wants for me and I what I want for myself. It may seem like a way to give power away but for me it gives me my power back. I will sit and think
'Do I want this? Or does Ed want this?'
It allows me the separation and clarity to deal with the issues. My therapist taught me to see it that way, I had one chair and Ed had the other and we would separate my thoughts from his. It took a while to master it but its a really helpful tool and it allows me to develop myself as separate from the illness, previously it felt like I was the illness.

All the above being said I do find that reccently I don't about Ed much at all. I just notice it and ignore it and continue with my day, there is the struggle at times but mainly its just in the background the last couple of weeks.

Its interesting I have lost interest in food lately, I do find it boring. I eat when Im hungry and I'm less picky about it. I don't fear it and the obsession with food shopping has dropped off, I find it dull. I have lost interest in processed foods, too bright and fake and im more into shopping lately for books and clothes.

[geniegal]

thats a really good point about personifying him in order to leave him, i realise im on thin ice trying to give you advice and im sorry if ive confused you or anything.

i have got the manifestation nap audios that is mentioned in another thread, there is a weight loss session on there - he basically talks about your behaviour around food. I listened this AM and it has had a really good effect on me, today I feel food is a non issue for me.

I will let you know how it goes

OOPs put the smiley in regarding the end of this post but its gone to the top - really inappropraite SORRY cannot get rid of it

[butterflyeffect]

Hahah dw smileys are always welcome. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Your input is appreciated. I think about what people say and then whether its right for me at the moment or not. Either way its always good to think about things from different points.

Good luck with the audio naps. I'd be interested to hear how that goes. Also are you having any success with using LOA to get little tom to sleep through the night?

[geniegal]

am really touched you remembered. he is sleeping alot now so dont really think about it

loving the manif naps - still need to keep eye on myself though, found myself eating breakfast too fast. Its not effortless but these audios do make you feel great which is def cutting down on the manic 'must eat NOW' binge feelings

ooops best stop before i start manifesting what i dont want!

[butterflyeffect]

I think I need to start focusing less on the ED and more on what I do want to achieve.

I did enjoy my fabulous gym session this morning. I love the gym!! I love being able to go without any stress and enjoy the work out. I am so grateful to be part of a nice, clean, friendly and modern gym!

I am grateful for my beautiful passionfruit vine that is growing and sprouting so many yumming looking passionfruit. I intend for them to ripen so i can eat them.

[butterflyeffect]

I have noticed a pattern in my life where I palm off responsibility to external circumstances or individuals. This is primarily done through avoidance and lying. If I find myself getting overwhelmed with anxiety about circumstances I sometimes choose to give in to the anxiety and just avoid dealing with the issue by focusing on the weight problem instead. Realistically, the only reason I have a weight problem is so I don't have to deal with the real problems.

Fears:

My biggest fear that I have become aware of lately is,
"What if I lose weight and people still don't like me? That would mean I'm bad and unlovable and theres no hope left of changing it."

I have spent a lifetime believing, that if I was small enough people would like me.
"I'll lose soo much weight you'll be begging me to eat."
"I'm going to lose lots of weight and then you'll be sorry you weren't nicer to me".

Thats all very nice in theory but the reality remains thinness doesn't equate to love. I am trying to let go of past rejections and feelings of lonliness. I didn't always feel I fit in primary school, I was often the odd one out and just a bit behind my peers in terms of emotional development. They had fallen in love with MSN and boys while I wanted to dress up and play in the park. Neither group was wrong or bad, we were just mismatched and as a result I didn't always feel wanted or accepted. Looking back it was no ones fault and it said nothing about me as a person. I am trying to let go of those residual feelings of embarrassment and shame at who I was and am now. I think essentially I'm never going to be your mainstream fashion diva, I'll always be well spoken, quirky but loving all the same and thats okay. Or it will be as soon as I start believing it.

[marinik]

My dear butterflyeffect yes you will be the same person if you don't change the things about yourself you don't like. But on the other hand you will know that you can achieve healthy goals. And not being overweight is healthy! Being the best version of yourself at any given moment is the only thing you can reach and that is a lot! People will like you when you like who you are. Very simple and oh so true. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!

My youngest daughter took of 50 pounds in 1 year. She came back from the US like a huge person but now she is shining like never before. And she is so proud of herself and satisfied with the fact that she did accomplish this. She is 20 today. Now she likes herself. She is not skinny but a nice slim figure. You can be too!

Love m

[butterflyeffect]

As I said in my previous post, I can very neatly dodge responsibility by using my eating disorder (ED) as a buffer. For example, if I allow myself to engage in eating disordered behaviors like binging or starving, I can avoid dealing with the core reasons for my anxiety because I will be too out of it to do much. My parents will have to step in try to take responsibility while I blame everything on my ED but in the same breath, tell everyone how hard I'm trying. Self delusion at its best. I truly believe my own lies..

What lies are you feeding yourself? What habbits are you holding on to, to prevent responsibility? Is it that you have to look after the kids, the business or other adult matters? So of course you can't be expected to feed yourself properly and take care of you... I mean seriously, you just don't have time...
No, we choose to lie to ourselves instead, or at least I do.

Exams:
- I have alot of performance anxiety in regard to exams.
- I need to ensure I manage my workload so that I minimise stress around exam time and am well prepared ahead of time.

Work:
- I am the one who is employed, not my family, it is my responsibility to show up looking beautiful and well dressed.
- If I am sick, I need to phone my boss, not my mother..that idea scares me alot (My boss is really lovely so its irrational).
- I need to lay out my clothes and make up and lunch and organise travel arrangements.

Medical:
- I have stopped going to doctors to fix me. I am now going so they can help and work with me to get better.
- The difference is I am now an active participant in getting healthy and taking full responsibility for ensuring I choose the right team to work with.

Social:
- If I say I will show up, then I actually need to follow through.
- I need to make the effort to meet up with my friends and keep in touch.

Interlectual:
- I need to focus on stimulating my mind by pursuing my interests besides food.
- I love photography and commercial fashion and advertising.
- I love reading fantasy novels by Richelle Mead and vampires
- I love creating collage and writing stores
- I like sewing and spending time with little kids

Contribution:
- I want to help the world. In fact I want to save the entire world, every single person on it. This can lead me to focusing on 'sick' people or being primarily interested in helping people solve thier problems and then finding the next person in need.

This is ineffective, unhelpful for me and the other person and at this stage I cannot help the entire world by myself in a vaccum.

- I want to volunteer some of my time over the christmas holidays to help out at the Eating Disorder Foundation or a similiar organisation that helps people with mental illness rather than focusing on a single individual.

- I am going to keep smiling at other people as I walk past, sharing my love and gratitude with everyone in my life from wonderful waiters to dedicated doctors. You are all unbelievable valuable and I appreciate you all.

- Charity, just because I can't directly help every single person doesn't mean my money can't. I want to continue to give money to charities that inspire me and help others like the Ronald McDonald Foundation for Sick Kids.

- I will continue to support the underdog and buy from small business when I can, like buying coffee from a family business instead of the corporate chain.

- I will strive to get well myself and show the world that people with eating disorders are valuable and its not terminal. I want to give hope and light to anyone who struggles with it, rather than assign judgements based on severity and particular diagnosis, thats what hospital is for.

-

[marinik]

Now were talking! *rooting... cheering... hugging*

[butterflyeffect]

Originally Posted by marinik

My dear butterflyeffect yes you will be the same person if you don't change the things about yourself you don't like. But on the other hand you will know that you can achieve healthy goals. And not being overweight is healthy! Being the best version of yourself at any given moment is the only thing you can reach and that is a lot! People will like you when you like who you are. Very simple and oh so true. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!

My youngest daughter took of 50 pounds in 1 year. She came back from the US like a huge person but now she is shining like never before. And she is so proud of herself and satisfied with the fact that she did accomplish this. She is 20 today. Now she likes herself. She is not skinny but a nice slim figure. You can be too!

Love m

Thank you Marnik!!! I really like the idea of being the best version of yourself possible at any given moment. I think there is so much wisdom in your post.
I feel as if I don't reasonate with being overweight anymore and Im slowly letting go and taking on new challenge instead.

I am so pleased ot hear your daughter is happy with her body and achieved her goals. She must be so pleased being able to show off her slim figure in all the wonderful fashions out at the moment. I love fashion, its wonderful. I think its so important to like yourself and Im pleased she recognise what a huge achievement she has made. And also has a wonderful and proud parent to remind her should she ever forget.

I think you are right about liking myself. Its been a long journey but I am finally getting there!! My latest question to myself has been, "Whats best for my body?" rather than "How can I lose the most weight", its funny but whenever I relax and accept myself I have noticed time and time again people flock to me and I fit in, its when I lose touch with the love and acceptance things get skewy. I think I just need to keep on working through the false beliefs and taking responsibility, it will be worth it in the end. I feel free-er already.

Thank you for all your support and wisdom,

xx

[marinik]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Thank you Marnik!!! I really like the idea of being the best version of yourself possible at any given moment. I think there is so much wisdom in your post.
I feel as if I don't reasonate with being overweight anymore and Im slowly letting go and taking on new challenge instead.

I am so pleased ot hear your daughter is happy with her body and achieved her goals. She must be so pleased being able to show off her slim figure in all the wonderful fashions out at the moment. I love fashion, its wonderful. I think its so important to like yourself and Im pleased she recognise what a huge achievement she has made. And also has a wonderful and proud parent to remind her should she ever forget.

I think you are right about liking myself. Its been a long journey but I am finally getting there!! My latest question to myself has been, "Whats best for my body?" rather than "How can I lose the most weight", its funny but whenever I relax and accept myself I have noticed time and time again people flock to me and I fit in, its when I lose touch with the love and acceptance things get skewy. I think I just need to keep on working through the false beliefs and taking responsibility, it will be worth it in the end. I feel free-er already.

Thank you for all your support and wisdom,

xx

You are always welcome. I admire you very much. It takes courage to face yourself the way you have. I'll be always there for you. You are on the right track just one step at a time. And you never get there in the sense that you always feel you could be a better person. So the journey is what counts. Enjoy leave the drama to the weak and you are not weak! Help them by becoming the best you.

[butterflyeffect]

Well following the realisation and acceptance that I am 100% responsible for my life and achieving my goals I am finally feeling the ED slipping away into the background. Truthfully, there is just so much else going on that I would rather focus on.

Moving into College:

Next year 2011, I want to be able to move in to live on campus at university. It is a really exciting prospect and I would love to do but of course I have to be well enough first. Anyway I have made the first step, I have started completing the application form!!

University:
- I have applied to join the university's leadership program. It is very focused on networking, skil development and international contribution and I think its a great opportunity and I am keen to try and participate. Again, filled out the application form and sent it in. Fingers crossed.

Eating Behavior:
I am taking 100% responsibility for my own eating. From now on, if I am going to put something in my mouth, I am going to take full responsibility for doing so. No more excuses. I managed to go to the supermarket unaccompanied twice today without buying any extra food even though I wanted too. I am really really pleased!!!!

Work:
I am currently on leave from my job because I have had uni exams and so this week I am going to phone up my boss and organise what days she wants me to come back once exams are over instead of waiting for her to phone me. New and responsible Amy!!!

Social:
I have organised to see my friends this weekend. I have made concrete plans and committed to showing up and going out on both Friday and Saturday night. I am really nervous but I am still going to go!! I always have a ball once I arrive, its getting ready that stresses me. Following the vein of Marnik's wonderful advice, I have accepted getting ready stresses me out and made it really simple. I am going to keep it super simple and be one of those effortlessly beautiful girls.

My new favourite quote:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain!!"

[butterflyeffect]

The next hurdle I am trying to address in order to faciliate my recovery is managing academic pressure and exam anxiety so that it does not overwhelm me or act to trigger eating disordered behavior.

I accept full responsibility for my anxiety surrounding exams and now I am seeking to address it and move beyond it. The anxiety is baseless and irrational although it has a profound affect on my life. I feel jittery and on edge for weeks leading upto the exams, struggle to study and usually employ avoidance tactics like cleaning my room or focusing interspectivally.

Has anyone else found effective techniques to manage exam anxiety? At this stage I am not really sure what to do. I have booked two sessions with the Leftkoe Institute and hopefully I can eliminate any beliefs contributing to the exam anxiety.

[butterflyeffect]

I am trying to work with my body to create maximum health and promote internal healing. A big part of healing for me has been about trying to work with my body instead of against it.

I am still working on it but I am trying to make food choices that are good for my body rather than those that appease Ed. I want to be able to trust my body and love it. I don't want to hurt it anymore.

In fact as part of healing process I want to start to live, to trust the universe and myself. Most importantly I want to experience that no matters what happens, I will be okay. I don't have to all cautious and uptight. Sooo following reading Danas's thread about saying yes to everything and watching yes man. I am going to say Yes to everything all weekend. Provided it isn't eating disordered!!!

Ahhh im soo excited. I think this is just what we should all do. Something crazy and ridiculous.

[butterflyeffect]

I am ready to move into a higher vibration state. I intend to be over flowing with creativity, joy and unconditional love. I intend to love myself and the planet dearly. I want to contribute and make the world a better place.

I want to crazy things and break out of my silly little boxed in life. Lol its boring and predictable. Read the thread and you'll no doubt notice patterns playing out over and over. Boring, time for new ones.

I want to jump out of bed every morning and salute to the sun because im soo happy. I want to run on the beach and around in the sun and feel the blood pumping through my body because I love life and I love my body.

I am going to be slim and happy, not because I starved myself but because my body is soo loved it can't help but be anything other than slim and healthy. In fact the exact measurements are going to be:
Height. 168cm (Im 163cm at the moment!!! Almost there )
Waist. 61cm
Hips. 81cm

I am also thinking of starting my own website about up and coming fashion models and interviewing them because I love fashion models!!! I love that whole world and I have most of them on facebook anyway. Guess I can learn to use my procrastination in a positive way.

I am also going to take a photography course and a jewellery course. I love jewellery and used to work selling it and now I want to make it. I feel so much free-er and in love with life and the world. I want to experience everything!!! The world is so inviting and exciting.

Thank you everyone for all your positive support both past and present. I am really going to do this. I am going to unleash all my unused potential and rock the world!!

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Thank you everyone for all your positive support both past and present. I am really going to do this. I am going to unleash all my unused potential and rock the world!!

*low clap standing-O*

Congrats for making a committment toward taking back the power in your life. I read this thread everytime you bump it, and I am inspired by your tenacity towards overcoming this issue.

It's very clear to me that you have a lot of passions in your life. And that there are things that you could really be effective and powerful with if you weren't simultaneously drained by the issues surrounding your ED.

Brute passion is a strong force for effecting change, but I think you might find yourself spinning in circles or feeling stuck if you also don't disconnect from what is draining you.

Notice, I'm not saying to "fix" it or get rid of it or anything like that because, well, your bulimia serves a positive purpose for you. Actually, your bulimia is more like a manifestation of a belief that serves a positive purpose for you. It's a form of survival. One of my friends who has this same ED, has faced some traumatic experiences in her past. And in those experiences, she was forced to take her mind somewhere else to cope with what was happening. And the interesting thing to me was that that same disconnect with her thoughts (going "somewhere else" during trauma) is the exact same disconnect that happens during her bulimic episodes. So, in a way, it's like she is practicing that "take me somewhere else" mindset in case the trauma surfaces again.

So, the bulimia is actually serving her a positive purpose in that it's in place for her survival.

The trick, i think, is finding ways to generate more choices for survival. Ones that aren't simultaneously destroying her. It's not so much to make the bulimia go away, but to open yourself up to the possibility that there are other ways that you can choose to serve that same purpose. And in that way, recognizing that choice and the impacts it has on you, it won't make it "go away," but, rather, it can sort of put it in the background. When you recognize the choices that are more effective in what you want, that old, outdated choice of survival suddenly becomes less appealing and thus becomes less and less a viable option.

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you James. I agree with everything you've said.

Ed is a manifestation of safety raft I have constructed over the years. I am now facing the fears and learning to live without the raft. Funnily enough life is more empowering without carrying around a 100 preparations for
'what if'.

[butterflyeffect]

It isn't the destination that makes you happy, its the journey and everything you learn along the way.

[butterflyeffect]

I feel so much more at peace with myself as well over the last couple of days. I am also learning how much I love the human race. We are such a good looking species. I have also realised how much I love guys.

I spent Friday night at a friends party with his friends who are all absolutley gorgeous inside and out. I was chatting to a few different guys and of course the host, whom I adore!! I insisted on arriving early to maximise my time with him... And of course my favourite part of the friendship is you get to hug him although I don't actually want to date him or hook up with him. I just love spending time with him and the novelty of his attention. Lol I feel a bit like Im back in the 8th grade, I love attention and time from guys my own age group.