Beating Bulimia

[Lichterschachtel]

That's really great that you're not only exercising, but also liking it! Have you thought about riding your bike around town though? Sometimes when I am thinking "Ok, I've hardly moved today, let's just ride with the bike for a few minutes", it can easily turn into an hour . Riding a bike is also a fantastic way to really get to know where you live. You really get to see the "weird" part of your town too!

[butterflyeffect]

I hate wearing helmets...but aside from that its a good idea. There is a great park to ride near where I live and exersize is always good. A good way to be mindful.

I like the way you think!! Do you do alot of riding?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Im so anxious right now. Its night time so I can't go for a walk or a run. I didn't realise i was anxious until I refused to go along with my eating disorderd wishes to eat a tub of ice-cream. I'm just listening to music and waiting for the anxiety to go away.

[butterflyeffect]

I just became the admin for a Facebook group I joined a while ago. "I hate Bulimia".

So hopefully I can try and share some positive influence and support there.

If anyone is reading this with an Ed or a past Ed, i'd love to know what you would find helpful in a facebook group.

It is recovery focused and I think people want a place to feel supported.

Anyway any feedback is appreciated. : )

[butterflyeffect]

Bulimia

You haunt my days and fill my nights
Consuming me from the outside in
Your beauty just out of reach
Lies tempting me

Just once more you whisper softly
Like an obedient slave I obey
Later to rebel
The tears I cry
The promises I make
All lie broken in your wake

You play me like a puppet
I twist and turn
Hopelessly trying to remove the mask you made

I lay awake counting the minutes till you depart
Celebrating my victories and comiserating my demise
I watch helplessly as I pour my life blood into your waiting jaws
You consume me

The harder I fight, the further I fall
Two minds blend to one

Broken promises lay scattered on the floor
With pearls for tears
I draw my sword to fight again

[Lichterschachtel]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I like the way you think!! Do you do alot of riding?

Yes. And the wonderful thing is that it's pretty easy to do . I hadn't really been riding bikes (or moving very much at all) for a few months before I got my own bike again, and within a week I finally got the chance to really just get out and ride and ride until I couldn't do it anymore! I eventually ended up going 30 miles... somehow. But the key is to not stop. Once you stop, you realize how tired you are.

[butterflyeffect]

Ok I refuse to fight to with anyone from now on.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to accept full responsibility for my actions and consequences. One of the consequences of sharing information about myself and my eating disorder is that people will provide a myriad of different suggestions, critisisms and advice.

It is then upto me to sort through and only take on board the information which is relevant to my situation and accept the rest with gratitude and strength. The strength of knowing that I know myself and ultimately I have to decide whats right regardless of external pressures.

[James81]

I've known people with eating disorders, and the common theme among most of them involves some other psychological disorder that is affecting them. Thus, it appears to me that eating disorders are but a symptom of a much larger, much more serious psychological issue (note: that does NOT mean a mental illness per se, but, rather, issues that are subconscious or purely existing within the mind of the person who faces it).

For example, I know a girl who has an eating disorder and it's related to sexual abuse. This particular girl has been raped like 3 different times in her life (holy ♥♥♥♥, right?) and has some pretty deep issues surrounding that (who can blame her?).

Some things that I keep bringing to her attention that have helped her in the past methinks:

1. Introspection and facing past traumas is not necessarily designed to make you relive the pain (even though that's typically what happens). Facing and talking about your trauma is meant to put you back in the state you were in when it happened so that you can figure out the decisions you made about yourself when it was happening. Everybody who has faced life-changing issues (whether they be positive or negative) tends to make decisions about who they are based on what happened to them. Which means that when something traumatic happened to you, that you probably adopted a negative belief about yourself that creates holes within you that feel you must fill to compensate.

2. I compare the psyche (the mind) to that of a battle between two dogs. There is a good dog and a bad dog. The dog that gets fed the most, trained the most, and encouraged the most, is the dog that's going to win the fight. Consider, for a moment, that the dog is your beliefs about the world and who you are. If you are constantly telling yourself that you are worthless, no good, incapable, etc. then you are feeding that dog inside you that drives your actions towards destructive behavior. If you keep feeding that dog with negative thoughts, he's going to overtake the desires you have for the positive stuff. Thus, an effective way to change who you are or a behavior is simply to tell yourself positive things about yourself, even if it feels foreign or false when you are doing. But the goal isn't to lie to yourself. The goal is to feed the good dog so that the good dog has a fighting chance to "win" the internal fight.

I encourage you to take a look at the key areas of your life (such as career, relationships, finances, family, friendships, etc.) and start making lists of things you are happy with and things you are unhappy with in each area. Then, make a list of your beliefs about those particular things (as in depth as you can). Then, I would start ranking the things you value the most in as honest an order as you can to see what drives you. Fix that area first. Or consciously rearrange your values for the things you feel you need the most.

I also encourage you to start a blog or a journal and to record your thoughts everyday. And then, after some time has passed (couple of months) go back and reread the things you've written and look for statements that clue you in on what you BELIEVE (trust me, they are there and they seep through in journal type posts like that...in fact, I just made a thread about this called "Challenging my Beliefs"...check it out). Some key words to look for when doing this is "if/then" statements, "because", and anything in that vein.

Also, I challenge you to take conscious notice of your internal self talk (which is always there)...especially in the moments that you are engaging in the behavior which defines your eating disorder. What are you telling yourself when you are doing this stuff? Just pay attention and listen to yourself. There's a lot of "autopilot" type stuff that is going on in there. (Ask me how I know this )

Aside from that, I would say to be patient, allow yourself to make mistakes and setbacks, and set a strong resolve in yourself to not give up until you get through this. Imagine yourself, someday, on a message board like this giving someone who is facing what you managed to overcome advice and encouragement and inspiration. It feels good and it's extra inspiring to help people overcome the ♥♥♥♥ you've faced.

[Greek Dog]

My husband died of a heartattack after years of untreated bulimia. So I have a strong concern for anyone suffering from the disorder.

My experience is that bulimia, like other eating disorders and addictions can come out of childhood experiences. I know my husband had some significant problems with abandonment and not being fed enough as a young child.

Meditation sounds like a good path. I admire you for doing that. I value meditation myself but find that my anxiety makes it difficult to sit still long enough to get to the calm, unless I have exercised for a period before I meditate. What I value most about meditation is that it allows me to observe my behavior and my feelings without actually reacting to them - it gives me some distance between my anxiety and my acting out of that anxiety. That is definitely a help. It allows me to be present and acknowledge the past pain but not participate in the destructive behavior that anxiety normally leads to.

You are finding your way. Trust yourself.

[danas]

Hi butterflyeffect

I was bulimic for a little over a decade. And today I am cured.
I grew up in a society with a lot of pressure to be thin. Especially my dad commented constantly on my weight. If I would gain a few pounds, he would tell me- "listen, you’ve gained weight."
It started just when my mother left the house when I was 15.
Everything in my life was in total chaos at the time, and this gave me some control. Control on my weight. Bulimia is about having control.
Plus there wasn’t any food in the house. The fridge was always empty. So I would eat very unbalanced meals and throw them up. Interestingly enough my sister was also bulimic at the same time. But we never spoke about it back then. We just both knew.
It was a secret; I was very secretive at the time. I was hiding so much. It was very sad times. I looked normal, had many friends, but I always had something to hide.
It’s a very hard disease to get rid of, at least for me it was.
I think its great that you are writing here. when I started there was no internet.
Anyway - how did I get out of it?
Well a few things. One thing- I was living away from home, abroad, and I was still very bulimic- my dad called one day to tell me he dreamt I was swallowing glass and throwing it up. My dad and me are very close spiritually. So- even though he didn’t know what the dream was about, I did. I knew I was harming myself in a serious way, otherwise he wouldn’t have been given such a metaphor.
I told him I didn’t know why he dreamt that, but I did stop throwing up. It was an alarm. Well, I almost stopped.
I still did it sometimes, and then one day I realized (after I began my spiritual growth path) on a very deep level that what I’m doing is so extremely selfish. That I was given a beautiful healthy body, that my body was a gift, a loan for this lifetime and I am intentionally destroying it. I realized that this is such a selfish act to do. It was a deep understanding. So I stopped.
But still, nothing about my eating habits was normal. For instance a daily menu would consist of 8 apples and 5 cups of tea + sugar and milk. I didn’t know what to eat because like I said, after my mom left there was no food in the house. A few cucumbers and a yogurt usually. My dad always said he wished there was a pill, which he could take instead of eating. he actually said "food is poison, so the less you eat, the better"
I tried so many ways to eat healthy, and I got better, but I would always binge every once in a while. just didnt know hw to deal with this thing called food.
What really saved me was the raw food diet. The raw food diet opened my healthy appetite. Made me love food again. It balanced everything out. I love spending time preparing meals, I love eating. And most importantly I LOVE my body. I am just not worried at all about gaining weight. I’m at my perfect weight. Not too thin, not at all overweight. I feel great. Going raw is an intensional act of love for myself. I love myself so I take care to give my body the very best fresh organic healthy food.
I eat as much as I need. I am very in tune with my body. I crave for things I really need. I can have a seaweed craving or a grape craving. I don’t even work out, I just walk a lot and climb stairs. I dont have a scale at home, or even a full length mirror (not purposely - just didnt have time to get one.) I only see myself when I try clothes on in a store and I like what I see. I am free from the whole body/food obsession.
It’s all about realizing how harmful it is, and changing that self destruction to self love. Until you don’t really love yourself, it will be hard to cure. And one way to start loving yourself is to read and get lots of info on how you can treat your body the best way it deserves.
Wishing you all the best. You are doing great!

[butterflyeffect]

I just want to say thank you everyone for thier reccent responses, Greek God, Danas and James. I really appreciate the feedback, it is really relevant I am still digesting it all.

I have exams this week and I am really overwhelmed by them. I am just focused on getting through the week. I am really anxious about the exams and my way of coping is usually found the confectionary isle. I'm just trying to practise mediating, calming down and avoiding overthinking about food and weight.

I will let you all know how it goes and what I find helpful and my understanding of the advice you've given me. thank you everyone for your time. I just need to get in a calmer place first.

[butterflyeffect]

I feel really anxious this week about my mid semester exams that are in two days. Logicaly, I should just study and ignore the anxiety but instead I just feel really edgy and anxious. The tricky part is that the anxiety ends up getting the attention, not my uni work.

I have found that mediating is helpful. I just sit down for ten minutes and breathe deeply or go for a fast brisk walk with my ipod. The ED is there nagging in the background while I do this. On some level I still want to believe that food can solve the problem. One tub of chocolate ice cream and the whole thing will go away and if I hide it well enough maybe I won't put on weight afterwards and no one has to know. The truth is that:
A. Ice-cream can't solve the problem, no matter how much I eat
B. I will definately put on weight regardless of whether I throw it up or not
C. People will always find out, either because they spot the tub or I start putting on weight

I am really agitated now because I can feel the anxiety, I can almost touch it and i know that as much as I want it, food won't solve the problem. I still reallly, really want it, but deep down I know I'm wasting my time. So now I'm walking to rid myself of the unpleasant emotions that come up, the angst, the anger, the sadness and frustration.

I have stopped building up a story in my head or sympathising with myself of how hard this disease is. Rather at the moment, I am focused on allowing myself to feel the emotions and deal with them directly. I am finding though as a result of eating properly new emotions are coming up and I am more on edge, moodier and I try to numb the intensity of these feelings by reading mindless books or movies. I think the common theme here underpinning my Eating Disordered behaviors at the moment seems to be denial. I am denying the reality of the situation and refusing to accept the obvious.

Things I need to accept to get well:
- Ice-cream tubs are made for multiple servings, not for a single person.
- Family size blocks of chocolate are for FAMILIES.
- People who go on about how women need to all be really thin need a psychiatrist!! Me buying into it and furthering my ED is futile.
- I can't meet everyones needs all the time. I have to address mine first so that I can help others.
- Some people gueninly do like being ill. There is no point in constantly trying to help them and getting frustrated afterwards. Accept lovingly and LET GO.
-Rejection is a part of life.
- The past is over. It no longer has any power of me if I stop focusing on it.
- I need to start facing the truth, if I don't like something pretending I do to keep everyone happy is a waste of time.
- People say mean things. Deal with it. Its thier issue not yours.
- Exams are not a big deal. The extent of my current anxiety is ridiculous.
- No one can me well except ME. It is upto me to get well.
- ED is not a person but a concept. I have to stop personifying my illness at somepoint...

[marinik]

Good on you! Just keep in there! We are all here for you!
Love m

[butterflyeffect]

thank you.
I really appreciate all the support.

[butterflyeffect]

Exam tomorrow......I am unbelievably anxious. I just keep crying and crying. Its silly because its only a small midsemester exam but I feel so much angst about it.

I have realised throughout the course of the day and then endless tears and journalling, one salient point. I'm not happy. The articles Steve has written lately really hit home, I realised that I am very overweight, unhealthy and out of balance and still struggling with an Eating Disorder and ignoring my uni work to deal with anxiety. I am drowning in a life I hate, I look around at it and if I am honest with myself about my reality I just want to cry, because its not meant to be like this.

I know that the Past is the best predictor of the future, but I don't like this future and I want change it.

Your all invited to attend the funeral. Ed (My eating disorder) has passed on, all my unhealthy habbits are dead to me along with "I can't" and "I'm working on it" (replaced with I'm doing it), Exam anxiety, chaos and clutter.


The funeral will be at midday tommorrow when i start my exam. I am turning over a new leaf and I'm buying a new journal to celebrate. Your all welcome to join me in burying unhelpful habbits and behaviors.

Eulogy:

Dear Unhealthy habbits, addictions and disease,

Thank you for your presence in my/our lives. I/We have learnt alot and are stronger as a result. Your presence is no longer needed. You are free to go.
We/I wish you all the best.

RIP

[butterflyeffect]

In wake of the reccent death of all my bad habbits, I am creating new positive habbits to take their place. * I know I'm weird**

New Life:

- My room is free from clutter and wrappers
- The only books on my book shelf are Self Development or Text books or books to inspire
- I rarely read magazines
- I don't watch TV, DVDs or read the literary equivelant
- I read leisure books on the train not other times
- I always wear make up and keep myself impeccably groomed
- I eat a very healthy and regulated diet
- I seek help when i am overwhelmed, not sugar
- I admit my feelings to myself
- I stretch all my muscles at the end of each day
- I have a regular routine and pattern to my day

I am happy and bubbly and fun to be around. I'm always laughing and teasing. I enjoy life and the structure of my routines and the safety and challenge of following them.

I have let go of the negative experiences from school days and hold only onto the beautiful positive memories.

[butterflyeffect]

I really like the idea James put forward in regard to the dual mindset. The idea that we have a positive uplifting mind that drives us towards success and a negative mind that is self destructive.

I have come to think of mental discipline in a new way. Rather than discipline being about the ability to do whats hard, I think it is the ability to choose ones reactions and reality. With meditation, yoga and journalling, we can learn to sit with our feelings and distance from the hype that the mind can create. Instead that will allow me to choose where my mind focuses, am I going to feed the negativity or create a beacon of hope for the rest of the world.

Thank you Danas for sharing your story with me. It took me a few days to process all the information. I am so inspired to hear that you were able to completely overcome this illness. I took on board your ideas about health and I have cleared out my bookshelf!!! I am throwing out my fashion magazines and now reading health and fitness magazines. I am really enjoying learning about my body instead of destroying it...

Mostly though I took on that to wreck my body is selfish, its a beautiful gift, a loan and its not mine to ruin. Thank you for sharing with me. I think I
am still taking in the depth of the wisdom you've shared.

I am sorry Greek God that your husband lost his battle with Bulimia. I really am sorry. Its a cruel and horrid illness and I suspect that being male in a largely female dominated illness makes it harder. Of course males develop Eating Disorders although the literature and treatments in my experience are usually focused on girls. The illness used to promise to kill me before my 21st Birthday...thankfully it hasnt. It must be awful to be on the otherside and to have to watch. I hope your doing ok now... its really tricky.

[butterflyeffect]

I notice a common mental theme in all my thoughts,
- I should be better by now, I have been sick for way too long and I hate this.

This style of thinking is actually hindering my recovery. Instead of focusing on enjoying the freedom that comes with recovery, I have been to focused on the end goal. I am always scolding myself for making mistakes, for messing up or not doing what "I should". Inadvertently, I have been manifesting more illness, more barriers and more obstacles, because I derive enormous self esteem internally when I overcome obstacles. I love sitting back and saying "that was so hard, but you did it. Your really did it." While a certain degree of acknowledgement in neccessary, I think that my self worth needs to be based on more than my ability to overcome hardship afteral, I'm not planning on living like this forver!!

I often judge myself very harshly and then use food to self soothe. I eat and find it soothing, it calms the anxiety, the critisism and general angst that I'm feeling. I feel a sense of control and power when I eat, all that is short lived.
I am making a concious effort to stop over eating and to calm myself down. On a number of occasssions on the past few weeks I have been about to over eat and I look at the ice-cream and pause and it occurs to me I don't want it. I want to by loved and understood, I want to be hugged. I want to sing and dance the anxiety out. I want to run, I want to heal the problem not mask it. I feel so proud and excited when I notice the feeling, the urge to eat and then deal with the issue.

In the past I have tried to just resist the urges to overeat or starve without dealing with the emerging anxiety that causes it. While some times I can delay the over eating or binge for a short period of time, it was always very time consuming and draining. I would feel agitated on edge, although this way I feel light and bright afterwards, high on my own success. : )

I have decided to give up all my shoulds. Its not like I do them willingly anyway. So instead of "I should", I am thinking "I am" and "I want to be." I am going to stop focusing soley on who I want to be and also enjoy the process of recovery. I am going to enjoy the lessons life is throwing at me and appreciate the opportunity that Ed is providing me to learn and to grow stronger. I always feel much more peaceful when I view the Eating Disorder from a place of love than hate.

[butterflyeffect]

I watched Mamma Mia the musical last night on DVD. It was so well done and I could feel all the tension and anxiety vapourize from my body as I just wanted to dance and sing. I loved that all the characters were living on the beautiful greek Islands and truly living thier lives rather than sitting in therapy stewing over things.

I often get really upset if I think back to experiences that happened in Primary school and early high school where I was bullied alot. As part of learning to let go, I went back to my Primary school on the weekend and walked around. I was amazed at how small it was. All this time I had built it up in my head to be something different. I started to being able to let go. Also rather than hating the people who were mean to me, I notice that when I do bump into them in shopping centres and clubs, they are always nice to me, they have grown up and moved on. So why shouldn't I? Moreover, I realised that its all in the past, its just a memory, nothing to prove it really happened that way or was meant that way. It seems silly to let a memory ruin my hopes and dreams. Therefore I have been largely able to let go and I am feeling better, lighter and happier.

I am still struggling with wanting to over eat but largely the excess of the illness has gone. I no longer want to eat 2kg of chocolate or a huge ice-cream tub just a single chocolate bar or ice-cream. I think I still have a little way to go but I'm definatley over the worst of it now. : )

[butterflyeffect]

I have found that deep down I am a very angry and frustrated person. I get scared and anxious and that often translates into anger. I know that anxious people are usually aggressive and in the process of learning to drive I stumbled up on the main reason I overeat.

I get so wound up and anxious about things. I will sit in my room and panic. While everyone else is out enjoying the sun at the beach, I am sitting wrapped up in a towel despising how fat i must look in my swimmers. I let this anger overwhelm me sometimes and I make a huge effort not to get angry with people. If someone outside of my family says something hurtful to me I rarely show them I'm upset. I smile and laugh it off, but inside im devastated and then seething.

This pattern regularly plays out with my old friend Ashliegh (her real name). She will gush about how we must catch up but after we make an arrangement she will pretend like we never made it or she totally forgot. Pretend to be sorry and gush some more about how much she misses and loves me. I mean seriously there is only so much insincerity one can take. Ashleigh has done this about ten times now, although to my credit I have stopped talking to her. Took me a while though. Instead of getting annoyed with Ashliegh or letting her know it hurt, I'd laugh it off and then get off the phone and cry and get all upset. Inside I would be seething, I would be so angry with both her and myself for the rejection and the level of hurt that it caused.

Obviously, it was never really about Ashliegh who is just a silly airhead but my feelings. I would cry and then reach for the calming tub of ice cream and repeat to myself over and over. Its ok, your ok, you did it and now you can have this. I have this destructive pattern of allowing all the anger to build inside of me and then letting it out on myself or in sharp comments to other people. The eating calms it down. I often feel like I can't lose weight, I must stay fat to protect myself from other people who want to hurt me. None of this is true but it feels deeply true and thats what I have to deal with. Time and love have the ability to heal everything.

[butterflyeffect]

For five minutes just sit down on a comfortable chair and let go of any thoughts if you can and just breathe deeply. Let all the air fill your lungs and let it all out again. Its ok, whatever happens can be fixed, just get lost in your own breath.

Time and time again I get so caught up in my thoughts and feelings that I forget to take time to stop and smell the roses. I am busy worrying about my upcoming exams, meals and clothing size. I forget, like many people that I have all the resources I will ever need inside of me. I am okay. I will always be ok if I just listen to my body.

I notice we are so busy surviving that we stop living, instead we exist. I have been making a concious effort just to let all the tension, the anxiety and anger go and instead just breathe. Breathe deeply and conciously shift my mind and awareness. Choosing instead to be at a higher vibration. To live. Not to exist.

Its not to say that the challenges we face are insiginificant, rather that whatever happens, we have the power within ourselves to be okay. There is no need for anxiety or arrogance, just the quiet confidence in knowing that we will all be okay if we just take a moment to breathe, to calm down and then proceed.

[James81]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I have found that deep down I am a very angry and frustrated person.

I know that anxious people are usually aggressive

how fat i must look in my swimmers.

but inside im devastated and then seething.


there is only so much insincerity one can take.

for the rejection and the level of hurt that it caused.

, I must stay fat to protect myself from other people who want to hurt me.

but it feels deeply true and thats what I have to deal with.

Time and love have the ability to heal everything.

Take a look at all this stuff that was buried inside of your post. These are all beliefs you have about yourself and they say something about who you believe you are.

Disconnect from the fact that you wrote this post and take a look at this list. If you were to say this to somebody else, what would that mean you'd think about them?

[butterflyeffect]

I have found that deep down I am a very angry and frustrated person.

I can't be the sum total of my beliefs. I do find myself getting angry and frustrated alot but that is not a personality trait, its a feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion that is born out of fear or sadness. I think I fear not being good enough, being mediocre and just being average. I will never just be average or mediocre, as a human being I am already a unique life form, with specialist interests and experiences. The idea of mediocrity is a myth. As long as I stay true to myself I will be enough. I have always been enough. I have to let go of the social conditioning that says we are all placed somewhere on a linear scale of self worth - self worth is independent of societies rules, its an internal sense of being, of presences to yourself and the world. I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am here to grow and learn. Perfection is not meant for this planet. I need to let go of the idea that there is only a narrow path that I must follow in order to be good enough, wherever I am and whatever I do, I am okay.

I know that anxious people are usually aggressive
Really? Are they? How many anxious people have I actually met? Well probably a few dozen in different hospital experiences and the ones i live with. But can the observation be projected onto the rest of the anxious populace? The millions of anxious people I've never met, but already put in a box. That doesn't really seem very fair. I need to stop trying to assauge my own insecurities by spouting out generalized psychiatry principles I picked up in hospital. We are all unique human beings not specimens. I have no knowledge of what the rest of the anxious population is like although when I get extremely anxious it can come out as aggression when really im just scared and protecting myself. I need to stop judging myself, assessing myself against some external criteria and then I won't need to soothe myself with false beliefs like "Im not the only one like this".

how fat i must look in my swimmers
I do not look how I would like to in my clothing or swimwear. I never have. No matter how small or big I am, I am always projecting my anxieties onto appearance with the belief "if i was smaller then things would be better". If that was truly the case then I would have been happy when I was starving, when I was small, when my body was medically considered small but I wasn't. The size is arbitary, put me in a clinic next to morbidly obese individuals and I look healthy, put me in with seriously underweight individuals and I look morbidly obese, amongst the average overweight Australian population probably average. What standard am I actually comparing myself too? If body weight is so important why doesn't my life suddenly improve everytime I lose weight? Because its a myth. Its a lie that I have bought into, my body is a beautiful gift, I have a relatively healthy and functional body. Its size will vary until the day I die, its part of nature to change. If I was truly calm and satisfied with myself would I really stop to worry? No. In the moments that I lose touch with my eating disorder and anxiety I cease to worry about how much I weigh, what I look like in that dress or whose judging me. I'm to busy getting caught up in the moment. I need to stop feeding my power to an illusion and a lie. My percieved 'fatness' or 'hotness' is all relative and just a reflection of how secure I am feeling inside. Its just a measure of self confidence, it was never about the weight. I got it wrong and its time to let go. My body is my body and i accept it. I accept it at its current size and the different sizes it will take over the coming years. Weight fluctuations are part of life, one does not usually weigh the same at birth and death, yet we are still able to live amazing lives. Its not about the weight its about the mind. Fix the mind, heal your body.

[butterflyeffect]

there is only so much insincerity one can take
Its not about other people, its about me. I'm tired of lying to myself. I think I want to start being honest with myself. Whatever I am feeling is okay. I don't have to hide my feelings or project them onto others. Its okay, really I just need to say it out loud and accept it, sit with it and then let it pass. Its okay, its always okay. Its okay to admit the truth, nothing bad will happen.

[James81]

It's awesome to me that you took the time to go after these beliefs. It's awesome to me that you have this thread where you are trying to get to the root of your issues. It means you are healing. It means you're ready for something big and new to happen in your life.

Out of what you wrote in your last two posts, there's two beliefs there. Did you notice them?

Check them out:

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I have found that deep down I am a very angry and frustrated person.

I think I fear not being good enough,

Take note of the second one especially. The "not" there is a buffer of a more true belief you have about yourself. For example, in my case, I would say "I can't be me." And that one hit me pretty hard. But when I discovered the positively stated version that that belief spilled out of, it hit me like a ton of bricks: "I am a bad person."

What helped me is something Angela is always going around saying (and encouraged me to say):

"I fear not being good enough, and that means that I am ____"

It seemed a bit silly to me at first, but I saw firsthand how true it is that we use words like "not" or "can't" to buffer us from the truth about ourselves.

The other observation I made about your post is that most of the rest of it is you trying to convince yourself of what you think you need to believe. For now, don't focus on what you need to do (that's just your issues trying to convince yourself that what you believe about yourself isn't true). The belief works to keep itself hidden, and that means that while on a subconscious level you truly believe this about yourself, on the outside you are working tirelessly to hide it and convince the people around you that it's not true.

For example, in my case, "I am a bad person" has been running me all these years. I didn't realize it had been running me because I was too busy trying to convince everybody around me that it's not true. I was the classical "nice guy" who would do anything for people. And I would hide anything that I thought people would judge me for from the world.

So for now, don't tell us what you NEED to do. Don't tell yourself what you need to believe. Let's just seek out what you truly believe about yourself.

My list was:

I am stupid.
I am weak.
I am ugly.
I am a disgrace.
I can't be me.

And all of that fed right into the root: I am a bad person.

[butterflyeffect]

Your onto something James.

The Eating disordered part of me is feeling rather threatend by this whole development. Resisting the EDis getting so much harder and I admit I not complying 100% with my program. I have started stealing extra food again and struggling to admit to myself what these beliefs are. I can feel them surfacing but I'm not ready to share them just yet, not even with myself. I find myself thinking, "Being fat isn't so bad.", "Wellness is overated.", "Ignore all these people and drop this thread, its too dangerous".

Self sabotage and fear at its best. I will beat this and I will admit those beliefs.

Some of the beliefs are:

- I'm a liar
- If I lose weight I will be overwhelmed with attention and people wanting to be my friend and they will hurt me.
- I have to limit how many friends I have.
- Telling the truth is dangerous and will get me into trouble
- I fear not being good enough and that means I am unwanted.
- I'm not lovable and that means I am bad.
- People are mean to me.
- I'm too pretty for my own good.
- I have to stay so sick so people will love me.
- People only like me because I'm pretty
- I'm a bad, evil person for getting sick
- I deserve to be sick. Its my fault.
- People who say they like me are lying

[butterflyeffect]

I'm still trying to work out what beliefs I have and what are just anxious thoughts.

I have this list of things that I'm not allowed to do.
- I'm not allowed to lose weight
- I'm not allowed to look pretty.
- I'm not allowed to be healthy.

My Eating Disorder wants me to be fat, ugly and unhealthy but the benifit would be that I stay safe from my anxiety and I can live in a cocoon. I think I'm scared to be healthy, to be well, to be pretty. That and I also put too much pressure on myself, I am never happy to be average, I always have to be the best. Its exhausting and unproductive. I am happiest when i let go of the expectations and perform for myself. I work faster, achieve better results and ENJOY IT.

I have been denying it mainly to myself but I am really struggling with the illness at the moment. I am sick again, not hospital sick but not myself either. I have stopped going out and I keep stealing food from my family, I am living off a diet of purely tuna and toast and bars of chocolate and ice-creams.

The over eating is abuse. I hate it. Its a way of punishing myself. I really hate doing it and I can see myself doing it and observe it but I feel unable to stop doing it. I am admitting it all to my Doctor tomorrow morning, I do have to turn it around but I'm not sure how. I guess I have to change my whole life because it has to be a sympom of something bigger.

I'm going to beat this. I am, I'm just not sure how yet.

[butterflyeffect]

No chocolate or ice-cream today...

[David21]

Originally Posted by James81

It's awesome to me that you took the time to go after these beliefs. It's awesome to me that you have this thread where you are trying to get to the root of your issues. It means you are healing. It means you're ready for something big and new to happen in your life.

Out of what you wrote in your last two posts, there's two beliefs there. Did you notice them?

Check them out:



Take note of the second one especially. The "not" there is a buffer of a more true belief you have about yourself. For example, in my case, I would say "I can't be me." And that one hit me pretty hard. But when I discovered the positively stated version that that belief spilled out of, it hit me like a ton of bricks: "I am a bad person."

What helped me is something Angela is always going around saying (and encouraged me to say):

"I fear not being good enough, and that means that I am ____"

It seemed a bit silly to me at first, but I saw firsthand how true it is that we use words like "not" or "can't" to buffer us from the truth about ourselves.

The other observation I made about your post is that most of the rest of it is you trying to convince yourself of what you think you need to believe. For now, don't focus on what you need to do (that's just your issues trying to convince yourself that what you believe about yourself isn't true). The belief works to keep itself hidden, and that means that while on a subconscious level you truly believe this about yourself, on the outside you are working tirelessly to hide it and convince the people around you that it's not true.

For example, in my case, "I am a bad person" has been running me all these years. I didn't realize it had been running me because I was too busy trying to convince everybody around me that it's not true.

So if the problem appears to be: 'I fear not being good enough', then, by the above reasoning, what the problem actually is, is that: I fear being good enough'? Is that right? So the truth actually is that : 'I fear being good enough'? How can we be sure that such words as 'can't' and 'not' are buffers?

I'm just trying to understand your reasoning, James, not trying to pick holes in it or something. I'm asking because it makes a good point and I just want to understand it.

You're doing really well, by the way, Amy. !

[danas]

I'm glad what I wrote to you was helpful. I just realized that I never shared this with anyone. I was ill for a decade with this disorder but never really told anyone, maybe only hinted about it
I'm so thankful you let me share it with you especially if you can find it useful!

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

My Eating Disorder wants me to be fat, ugly and unhealthy but the benifit would be that I stay safe from my anxiety and I can live in a cocoon. I think I'm scared to be healthy, to be well, to be pretty. That and I also put too much pressure on myself, I am never happy to be average, I always have to be the best

Yup, I know the feeling you describe here... Very familiar
I think for me what helped was the thought - how can I be of service today to the people I interact with- that way the focus is no longer on me. Maybe I can make someone smile today even if I'm not perfect

[butterflyeffect]

I'm glad that you shared with me. I found it really powerful and inspiring.
Its funny how the illness can stay secret for so long even after people get well. I have noticed that in a few people who have recovered, they just shut the door on that part of their life and don't look back. I can understand that though.

I have decided to let go of the unrealistic expectations, the need to prove something. I was going for a walk and I ended up talking to an old lady watering her garden, she was glowing at having someone to talk too. It felt really great to be able to give. I like that idea. To focus on being of service by being myself and smiling at people, having conversations, hugs and other things rather than getting caught up in the anxiety of being perfect.