Help Me Make My Life More Difficult!!

[Narz]

I can't do it myself.

A bit about Narz.

Narz gets outside money for doing nothing. Narz is not going to stop this flow and though it is a small monthly sum, Narz can survive pretty much indefinitely on it.

Narz doesn't like to work. Jobs that is.

Narz has had a pretty stressful life but now he seems to have it made. He has a very pretty girlfriend, he doesn't have to do anything all day that he doesn't want to. He can just stay up all night and chat and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ on the Internet, play games, watch movies. He does.

He's not happy. He's moved around quite a bit, his real life social contacts are few and for various reasons (too much to get into) certain aspects of his life make meeting new friends challenging.

Dunno if you all know of the study with mice and calorie restriction. Mice who were fed less (with good nutrition) lived twice as long as mice fed normally (with equally good nutrition). Just goes to show, indulging in whatever we desire may feel good in the short term but it's not as good for us as difficulty, challenge, restraint. Not popular words in our instant gratification, fast food, mass produced, gotta have it now, consumer culture but fact is, struggle makes life worthwhile. Struggle may make men suffer but at least when they're happy they're really happy.

"Against boredom even the gods themselves struggle in vain".

I yearn for collapse sometimes (most of the time), for the economic system to collapse, for the energy grid to fail, for environmental disaster, terrorist attack. Something to wake me up and make me realize I'm alive. When it happens, will I miss the warm, safe little world I prayed would die? Perhaps, but only in the most superficial of ways. My soul will be gleeful, like Kikuchiyo upon seeing the invading bandits approaching.

It's not an easy thing to bring up to people. They get jealous. In a world with as much suffering as this one who wants to hear about a man with no responsibilities? Driven to addictions by restlessness and malaise. "Get a job" they say, forgetting that I wasn't always so "lucky", I tried the 40-hour grind. Even after I no longer had to. I'd come home after a long day and zone myself out with as many legal addictions at once as I could. Quite a drag. At least without a job I could be master of my own decay.

So then, does anyone have a grand mission for me? Shall I hike thru a mountain range with nothing but my sleeping bag, canteen and freeplay flashlight to raise money for your dying little girl? Shall I camp out up in another Redwood tree? Shall I go and kill some A-Rabs for freedom ? (just kidding, even Narz ain't that desperate, not to mention that the current war is something I'm completely opposed to.)

Seriously though. Help me make my life more difficult. And more clear. Help me decide (as Private Island Robbins notes, from decir : to cut) what to do and burn all other bridges behind me.

By the way, I'm already tried visualizing my dreams, making goals list, striving for dozens, no hundreds, of vanities. It's not my thing. I need a master to guide me, I'm a child in a man's body. But you better be wise, I'd rather serve my greedy lil' self than heed a foolish master. Please state your qualifications with your post or e-mail (ideally someone like Jackie Chan's master in one of his old-school non-American movies, making him hang upside down from a tree branch, doing situps).

Most folks I've spoken with cannot seem to understand how I feel. That I need to test myself in the world, to push myself against worthy resistance, towards a goal (a real goal not some vain token like a sports car) in order to feel like a man. But maybe some here can understand, and help me out. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain (or perhaps everything to lose from which everything I shall gain).

I'll be checking this thread .

[Mitch]

Watch this video lecture on new biology. I already believed in the Laws of Attraction but this lecture blew my mind. It is one of the threads in this form but just in case it alludes you here is the link to the topic.

Awesome Video Lecture - IM

[Narz]

Ok, I will watch it. I am downloading it now.

[Praxislife]

Hi Narz!

I completely understand the longing for a challenge. It's what keeps me going, daily.

I was asked by a man at one point, "how many people have you affected in a positive manner today?"

I had to think about for a minute (you know, intellectual BS) and then I realized that it was very simple: If I can affect as many people as possible in a positive manner, then I am complete. I have much to offer many people, even if it is nothing more than a friendly smile to a stranger. It can anonymous (the most challenging way for MY ego) or you can volunteer. It doesn't much matter. Pick something that you would not normally do to create the challenge.

I don't know if this helps, but I really enjoy when I see or hear of someone stretching and/or reaching for something new. Bravo to you!

All the best!

[Narz]

Originally Posted by Praxislife

Hi Narz!

I completely understand the longing for a challenge. It's what keeps me going, daily.

I was asked by a man at one point, "how many people have you affected in a positive manner today?"

I had to think about for a minute (you know, intellectual BS) and then I realized that it was very simple: If I can affect as many people as possible in a positive manner, then I am complete. I have much to offer many people, even if it is nothing more than a friendly smile to a stranger. It can anonymous (the most challenging way for MY ego) or you can volunteer. It doesn't much matter. Pick something that you would not normally do to create the challenge.

I don't know if this helps, but I really enjoy when I see or hear of someone stretching and/or reaching for something new. Bravo to you!

All the best!

Thanks.

I like being a positive influence as well (even though many might see me as a bit cynical or "negative"). That's why I love the Internet.

However, I feel I can only be so good of an influence in my current state. To truly be inspiring to others I must actually be inspiring to myself.

[Acting Like Godot]

Heheh. Ok, Narz, my two cents' worth.

Basically you're an Enneagram Type 4:

People of this personality type tend to build their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow different or unique; they are thus self-consciously individualistic. Fours tend to see their difference from others as being both a gift and a curse - a gift, because it sets them apart from those they perceive as being somehow "common," and a curse, as it so often seems to separate them from the simpler forms of happiness that others so readily seem to enjoy. Thus, Fours can manage to feel superior to others while also secretly harboring some degree of longing and envy. A feeling of being a member of the "true aristocracy" alternates with deep feelings of shame, and fears of somehow being deeply flawed or defective.

Fours are emotionally complex and highly sensitive. They long to be understood and appreciated for their authentic selves, but easily feel misunderstood and unappreciated. They have a tendency to withdraw in the face of a world that seems harsh or crude, and are often somewhat moody or temperamental. They are emotionally centered and spend much of their lives immersed in their internal mental landscapes, where they feel free to cultivate and analyse their feelings. A desire to manifest this internal world often leads Fours to an interest in the arts, and some do become actual artists. Whether artistic or not, however, most Fours are aesthetically sensitive and concerned with self-expression and self-revelation, whether it be in the clothes they wear or in the overall nature of their often idiosyncratic lifestyles.

Fours are somewhat melancholic by disposition, and under stress tend to lapse into depression. They also tend to be self-absorbed, even under the best of circumstances, but when unbalanced, easily give way to a self-indulgence which they perceive as being fully justified as a way to compensate for the general lack of pleasure they experience in their lives. Rather than look for practical solutions to their difficulties, Fours are prone to fantasizing about a savior who will rescue them from their unhappiness.

... most likely, an Enneagram Type 4 with a 5-wing.

Five Wing: More Introverted, intellectual, idiosyncratic, reserved, and depressed.

.... And I would say that you're currently stuck around Level 5 or 6 for your personality type, with a danger of descending into Level 7:

Level 5: To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings.

Level 6: Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function.

Click here for a brutally honest & derogatory description of your personality type. NO, don't click now. Click when you're in a less sensitive, less delicate T
ype4 mood.

(Btw, the above website supplies brutally honest & deorgatory descriptions of all personality types, not just yours - so it's nothing personal).

Next question - what should you do with the rest of your life? Well, if you're interested in working on your personal development, you're only at Level 5 or 6 now, so you have plenty of room for self-improvement (to Level 4, 3, 2, 1 ...). I offer 4 points for you to think about:

Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic.

Fours typically never feel that they are sufficiently "together," but they must nevertheless have the courage to stop putting off their lives.

Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you, as you probably already know.

Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be.

That was an abridged version of Type 4 growth recommendations found here.

At this point in time, you will begin to feel a sense of outrage that I have read you so precisely and accurately. That's natural for you. Heheh. Typical Type 4's think of themselves as unique and special and they would be aghast to learn that in fact all typical Type 4's think of themselves as unique & special.

[Liara Covert]

Hi Narz,

I can understand you feel your life purpose is linked to feeling challenged. You can do personality tests like Meyers-Briggs to try to better understand yourself, but ultimately, its still up to you to discover what motivates you. Other people could dare you to climb Everest or to circumnavigate the globe in a rowboat, but may these activities may do nothing to stimulate your curiuosity or inspire you which is what you seem to crave.

You can read about what it takes to become self-directed. You could take initiatives to contact people who shape their lives in ways that interest you.

Yet, before you do anything else, you would benefit from figuring out what you really desire and why? Only you are capable of getting-to-know yourself well enough to feel willing to reach inside and discover sources of passion. This could be building model boats in glass bottles, or getting muddy in sumo wrestling. I would have no idea of your primary motivation. Many people learn through trial and error. They try things and move onto other ones if they discover an activity isn't fulfilling.

You could start by zeroing in on your strongest emotions. What causes them? What makes you feel excited? What gets your blood pumping and your heart beating faster? Connect with those things that trigger positive feelings and desires to continue something. If that means starting a hot air balloon business to carry tourists over scenic vineyards, then do it. Let us know how you're progressing on your journey too.

[bellbird]

Fascinating, truly those enneagrams.

The quest for purpose remains. Do you find you are very smart and quick to get your head around relativily difficult chalenges? (Yes yes I know it's a forum for Smart people. Note the Very)
Funny isn't it that by being so talented you're actually getting bored because you get the hang of it quicker then others do. My brother's the same and at 40 he still wonders what he really wants to do...
To be honest I've never had that problem as I knew when I was very little what I wanted to do in life. Saying that, everyone has moments they 'wonder what it's all about'.
Have you tried meditation? It helps me find answers. All the best to you.

[Lauxa]

Only you can decide your quest. I think deep down you know that. You can find someone who can help to teach or motivate you on your path, but until you have chosen that path you won't know who to seek out.

It sounds to me like you need to accept where you are first before you will be able to move forward. Try repeating the mantra "I want to be happy" or "I want to feel good" whenever negative thoughts come into your head. Get your brain on your side.

You know your addictive behaviors are holding you back and you feel guilty. Release the guilt. Try the following steps to move past the behaviors that are limiting you:

(1) Observe. Notice when you are engaging in a negative behavior and make a mental note of that behavior. Try giving it a name.
(2) Forgive. Accept and love yourself anyways. Repeat the following phrase: "Everything I do is perfect and is exactly what was supposed to happen, as evidenced by the fact that it did happen. I act in my own best interest, therefore it was in my best interest to behave that way at that time. My behavior was part of the perfection of the universe, but so is my desire to change it."
(3) Pause. When you catch yourself before engaging in that behavior, pause for a moment and consciously decide if you want to behave in that manner.
(4) Transcend. Never "giving up" a behavior, simply "outgrowing" that old tired habit to make room for more beneficial patterns in your life.

Your life purpose, your unique challenge that will make it all worthwhile, is hiding in your heart. But your happiness doesn't hinge on finding it. Instead, if you find happiness first, your purpose will be revealed.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[Praxislife]

Originally Posted by Narz

However, I feel I can only be so good of an influence in my current state. To truly be inspiring to others I must actually be inspiring to myself.

Something tells me that you are assuming that you are not already a positive influence on people. I tend to believe differently. You influenced me in a positive manner just by posting.

Positive influence doesn't always look like what we think it should look like. Don't underestimate yourself.

I know you will find what you are looking for. (and then you'll look for something new!)

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by Narz

Seriously though. Help me make my life more difficult. And more clear.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain (or perhaps everything to lose from which everything I shall gain).

Oh my gosh, where to begin...the options to making one's life more difficult are infinite, at least I can think of so many things to change right off the top of my head that would facilitate that.

And by definition, it seems that making your life more difficult would also entail making it less clear (at least initially - you could say you have to die first before you can have a renaissance). I get the feeling that my suggestions would not be anything even remotely like what you have in mind, but they are the sorts of things that have brought difficulty to my life and I would recommend them to anyone who wants difficulty in their life! The nature of these things will most probably free you of any feeling of security you have currently in your life, and for sure free you of boredom, though they (my suggestions) might be a lot more drastic than what you had in mind.

Also, being a person who actually has, or at least until recently had nothing to lose (i.e. no feeling of security left to retain in life), I think you have everything to lose. If you have nothing to lose in life, you can become a bit wreckless and do things you never would have done previously because you were scared or did have something to lose, and other people who think they know you will look up to you as being courageous and strong and doing something they could never imagine doing - because they have a lot to lose (or, depending on what you are doing, they might think you are the biggest idiot in the world and thank God they are not as stupid as you are).

Maybe you are not able to feel gratitude for what you do have. I recently returned from Algeria, after which (and with the guidance of this website and other I-M information sources telling me the value of feeling gratitude) I was able to feel a lot of gratitude just for the constant availability of water in my home, as well as hot water and a bath and central heating, to say nothing of the infinite list of other things.

In fact, this morning I just returned from a 24-hour trip with a woman who talked to me for 12 hours straight, pausing only to chew her food, go to the bathroom and sleep. The subjects of her conversation were of the worst, most depressing nature - basically her life story (which I have already heard many times) and the life stories of everyone she knows. When I returned this morning to the solitude and freedom of my apartment, I was thankful for many things, including the 3 moments I managed to break free from her presence during the trip, and the fact that I only had to visit her miseries for 12 hours instead of live in or with them.

If it's true that you don't appreciate things until you don't have them, you could start by removing some of the things or circumstances that are causing your complacency and boredom...or maybe we could switch lives for a month .

At any rate, I hope you find the answer to your boredom among the answers here. Good luck!

[Susie]

What about enrolling in some classes that interest you and would also challenge you?

[Narz]

Originally Posted by Bitsy

And by definition, it seems that making your life more difficult would also entail making it less clear (at least initially - you could say you have to die first before you can have a renaissance).

No, I want more difficult and more clear. Like climbing a mountain or training to bench press 250 pounds.

I don't understand the point you are trying to make (will read thru the rest of your post soon, see below paragraphs), what could be more clear than dying?

Anyway, thanks all for the replies, to do them all full justice I have printed them out and will read thru them offline.

Cheers,
Narz

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by Narz

No, I want more difficult and more clear. Like climbing a mountain or training to bench press 250 pounds.

I don't understand the point you are trying to make (will read thru the rest of your post soon, see below paragraphs), what could be more clear than dying?

I didn't actually mean my ideas for the things to do are unclear - they are clear, exactly like your suggestions. I didn't mean die or rebirth literally either. At the very least, I meant upheaval in your life (again, not necessarily literal, but at least inner upheaval), like disturbing the silt on the bottom of a river so the river gets cloudy, but afterwards the silt settles again in a different place.

Perhaps you meant you were specifically only looking for primarily physical challenges/changes, external changes. The categories of things that make life difficult and ways to do that and the aspects of life that can be made difficult seem infiinite, so I wasn't sure which category and/or way you were looking for, and now I'm not sure if my idea of what is difficult/a difficult life is even the same as yours or that of other people.

At any rate, good luck with whatever you decide .

[Narz]

Ok. I read it all. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Bitsy

I didn't actually mean my ideas for the things to do are unclear - they are clear, exactly like your suggestions. I didn't mean die or rebirth literally either. At the very least, I meant upheaval in your life (again, not necessarily literal, but at least inner upheaval), like disturbing the silt on the bottom of a river so the river gets cloudy, but afterwards the silt settles again in a different place.

I like the analogy but I feel like the silt is already stirred up. Maybe I am seeking... no, definitely I am seeking clarity. Perhaps I'm claiming to want a system but what I really want is clarity. I think I'm thinking a system, schedule, routine will give me clarity.

Originally Posted by Bitsy

Perhaps you meant you were specifically only looking for primarily physical challenges/changes, external changes. The categories of things that make life difficult and ways to do that and the aspects of life that can be made difficult seem infiinite, so I wasn't sure which category and/or way you were looking for, and now I'm not sure if my idea of what is difficult/a difficult life is even the same as yours or that of other people.

I was thinking more along the lines of chop wood/carry water (rather than just enjoying unearned warmth and H20) but I do want some degree of certainty too (I want to have to work for my keep, so to speak, but I wouldn't want to be somewhere regardless of hard work, survival was not ensured (or likely), that would just be depressing).

I've been places where I've seen mild poverty and been homeless before, I remember when I was thirteen and depressed for the first time (sent away from home, lonesome, confused) my "dorm parent" came to me and told me to snap out of it, reminding me he volunteered in a hospital with seriously screwed up (medically) kids and that I should be grateful for the health and life I had. It worked. But it doesn't work for me anymore.

Originally Posted by Bitsy

At any rate, good luck with whatever you decide .

Thanks.

I've going downtown tomorrow to immerse myself in life. It's a good ride/walk (10 miles each way) and will give me time to think.

I'm also taking a short class next weekend on permaculture.

[Narz]

I have an idea now of what I need.

I don't want to talk about it though lest my idea become misunderstood and diluted with other people's opinions.

Where to look. I'll have to find that out. Wish me luck.