Can anyone share some real life "Busting Loose" examples?

[On A Lark]

I'm on the third go-round with this book and am struggling yet again.

I buy the concept of subjective reality. I am willing to admit that I am the creator, good and bad, of everything in my reality. I accept the theories in the Busing Loose game of Phase I, Phase II, taking back power from things in my reality that create discomfort. What I seem to be missing is HOW to actually implement the process in my daily life.

I own a business that is very successful and very seasonal. Currently we are in the off-season and will be until about mid-March. Though businesss was only slightly off for 2009 the cash flow has been very unsteady, and seemed to decrease throughout the entire year. Now we're into what is traditionally our worst cash flow time and things have just about ground to a halt. We are strapped to the maximum.

So I'm trying to go about my daily routine and use the process...trying to look at it not as paying bills but as expressing appreciation to myself. This particular terminology feels very false to me so I'm working on finding something that feels more authentic, but in the meantime I AM trying to dive into the discomfort, recognize that it is being caused by something that is not real, and taking back my power from that. One or two times I've really FELT this process but most times it just feels "woo woo" and not at all real to me.

I feel like I am blocking abundance and I don't know why or how. I get caught in a cycle of just getting mad and then depressed about it and nothing is changing in my reality. Has anyone else had this experience and how did you break the cycle?

[nicbrahms]

Okay my friend, have you visualised everything you want?

If you have then what you seem to be going through are echos.

I am going through echos too, my business seems to be going south and the bills have mounted.

The thing to do is remember circumstances don't matter, state of being matters.

If you are going through echos that means something great is around the corner and you need to do what I am doing, enjoy it, play with your reality.

Just remember that if you don't act differently to these echos the universe will not think you have changed and nothing will alter for you.

You got to show the universe that you have changed and that all of this does not matter, that you are a matching vibration to what you desire now, and not this crap. Get it?

Whatever you do, don't think LOA isn't working, it is, especially if everything you are going through is contrary to what you envisioned for yourself.

Do what I have done, smile, tell yourself you intend to enjoy these echos and allow them to come, the faster you allow them to come, the quicker they will be gone. After all belief in what you have manifested is tantamount.

It will be hard but it is easier if you start living in the moment, say the following;

'I intend to be 100% in the moment now, 100% in my body now.' Thats where true happiness is and from there the golden flow of the universe will flow through you and everything will change for the better.

If you are not going through echos still apply the above and stay strong, my friend it will all come good, it has to, you envisioned it (without doubt) and by law the universe has to give it to you. Now all you have to do is show you are allowing it and don't react the same to the same old echos from the old life in the way the old you reacted.

I hope I have been of some help, otherwise go to you tube and type in Bashar and listen to him.

He really is brilliant.

Also ask the universe if everything is Ok and going to plan and you will receive an answer.

Nic Brahms

[nicbrahms]

Oh and if you insist on getting mad you are blocking abundance and also I suggest using the energy created and visualise something you want.

It will make you feel better and you will end up smiling.

Better use the energy for something better than focusing on the same crap.

Nic

[Wax Frog]

There is a part of the book where RS goes on about how he had a period of MONTHS in which nothing seemed to change, and he was constantly questioning himself as to why he was even bothering with Processing. I think this experience isn't to be unexpected. Just stick with it as well as you're able - that's the approach I'm taking...

[nicbrahms]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

There is a part of the book where RS goes on about how he had a period of MONTHS in which nothing seemed to change, and he was constantly questioning himself as to why he was even bothering with Processing. I think this experience isn't to be unexpected. Just stick with it as well as you're able - that's the approach I'm taking...

RS?

Nic

[marinik]

Originally Posted by nicbrahms

RS?

Nic

Do you even have a clue of what we are talking about? Have you read the book? If you had you would know what RS stands for.

[On A Lark]

Originally Posted by nicbrahms

RS?

Nic

RS is for Robert Scheinfeld who is the author of "Busting Loose from the Money Game". My question was directed to some of the instructions in his book but I appreciate your insights on my struggles even if you're not familiar with this particular book.

In my gut I think what you're saying about "echoes" is correct...because it's a pattern I've seen in my life before. I'll make a particular decision about something, swear I'll stick to it, and then that exact situation will pop up to "test" that decision. I am always happiest when I stick to my decision so I know I need to just keep my head down and persevere here, which is what WaxFrog is suggesting as well.

It seems so much of my discomfort is related to fear of consequences...which is fairly hilarious if I buy into the "Busting Loose" concepts that say I am the creator of everything in my reality. So there are no bad decisions, no judgement, no consequences...so what am I so afraid of?

I wish I knew.

[nicbrahms]

Originally Posted by On A Lark

RS is for Robert Scheinfeld who is the author of "Busting Loose from the Money Game". My question was directed to some of the instructions in his book but I appreciate your insights on my struggles even if you're not familiar with this particular book.

In my gut I think what you're saying about "echoes" is correct...because it's a pattern I've seen in my life before. I'll make a particular decision about something, swear I'll stick to it, and then that exact situation will pop up to "test" that decision. I am always happiest when I stick to my decision so I know I need to just keep my head down and persevere here, which is what WaxFrog is suggesting as well.

It seems so much of my discomfort is related to fear of consequences...which is fairly hilarious if I buy into the "Busting Loose" concepts that say I am the creator of everything in my reality. So there are no bad decisions, no judgement, no consequences...so what am I so afraid of?

I wish I knew.

You know, talk about external reality mirroring internal. You have said everything I am thinking.

Coolio

Nic

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by On A Lark

I'll make a particular decision about something, swear I'll stick to it, and then that exact situation will pop up to "test" that decision. I am always happiest when I stick to my decision so I know I need to just keep my head down and persevere here, which is what WaxFrog is suggesting as well.

I keep thinking back to "The Presence Process", which I'm thankful to have run across for its similarities to BL; as I recall, in it author Michael Brown states that these situations will keep playing out over and over throughout our lives until we process them, releasing the energetic pattern that drives them.

It seems so much of my discomfort is related to fear of consequences...which is fairly hilarious if I buy into the "Busting Loose" concepts that say I am the creator of everything in my reality. So there are no bad decisions, no judgement, no consequences...so what am I so afraid of?

For me, it's the simple fact that 'reality' is so darn intensely and continuously convincing. Whatever drives this could then reasonably be assumed to need countering with a sufficiently intense and continuous release process...

[On A Lark]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

I keep thinking back to "The Presence Process", which I'm thankful to have run across for its similarities to BL; as I recall, in it author Michael Brown states that these situations will keep playing out over and over throughout our lives until we process them, releasing the energetic pattern that drives them.

Great point...any practical suggestions for how to process it and/or release the pattern? I'm too far into the trees to see the forest.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by On A Lark

Great point...any practical suggestions for how to process it and/or release the pattern? I'm too far into the trees to see the forest.

I'm at the same stage as you, it seems, still learning. All I can suggest from my current 'place' is to make a habit of 'catching yourself' at times when you would normally fall into whatever drama was about to transpire, and defuse it by substituting the rote reactions you may have contributed in the past with a combination of inner focus (e.g. the BL and/or TPP processes) and a more gentle, balanced external response (TPP makes a distinction between responding and reacting)...

I really should get back to mediting, that was also helping me big time with being 'present'*... I was amazed at the cues I was beginning to pick up, otherwise missed.

*One key difference between the two books I reference is that TPP, as indicated by its title, places great emphasis on developing present-moment awareness.

[jacare]

Originally Posted by On A Lark

I own a business that is very successful and very seasonal. Currently we are in the off-season and will be until about mid-March.

You admit you know this is a down cycle for your business. If you are in the pumpkin business, you can't fret November - September, you just have to realize that it's not halloween, so no sales.

My take is that this is not a metaphyiscal issue. I have cycles in my business also, and I am absolutely tortured during the down cycle. But subjectively I know it's a waste of time. You have 2 choices:

1) Realize you are in a down cycle, and relax, trusting it will cycle back like it always does.
2) Realize you are in a down cycle, and created additional streams of income which are non-cyclical.

What I did during my down cycle was develop new markets, I knew that it was going to be slow, and I don't want it to be slow next year. So I put in a lot of time making my product global (where they have different holiday schedules, and round the clock sales) and I also developed new marketing techniques to double or triple sales. So my new "slow" periods will be like normal periods used to be - at least in theory. My new markets are not fully developed, but the groundwork is done, and my new marketing techniques are only partially implemented, but they may spawn new streams of income.

If nothing else, all of the activity dulled the sting of a natural down cycle.

[Dreamcatcher21]

Remember that Robert Scheinfeld says that the goal is not to change, fix, or improve the “hologram.” And that wanting to change, fix, or improve the hologram simply serves to reinforce your belief that the hologram is real and that is has power.

(See the last paragraph of page 123 and the first paragraph of page 124)

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by jacare

You admit you know this is a down cycle for your business. If you are in the pumpkin business, you can't fret November - September, you just have to realize that it's not halloween, so no sales.

[On A Lark]

Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher21

Remember that Robert Scheinfeld says that the goal is not to change, fix, or improve the “hologram.” And that wanting to change, fix, or improve the hologram simply serves to reinforce your belief that the hologram is real and that is has power.

(See the last paragraph of page 123 and the first paragraph of page 124)

THIS is the issue...I really get it now that you spelled it out that way...I am expending all of my energy on things in the hologram that are not real. So I guess what I'm asking is real-life ways to keep applying the process. The bills need to be paid. There is not enough money to pay the bills. I'm stuck in the circle again. How do I make the bills not real?

[On A Lark]

Originally Posted by jacare

You admit you know this is a down cycle for your business. If you are in the pumpkin business, you can't fret November - September, you just have to realize that it's not halloween, so no sales.

My take is that this is not a metaphyiscal issue. I have cycles in my business also, and I am absolutely tortured during the down cycle. But subjectively I know it's a waste of time. You have 2 choices:

1) Realize you are in a down cycle, and relax, trusting it will cycle back like it always does.
2) Realize you are in a down cycle, and created additional streams of income which are non-cyclical.

What I did during my down cycle was develop new markets, I knew that it was going to be slow, and I don't want it to be slow next year. So I put in a lot of time making my product global (where they have different holiday schedules, and round the clock sales) and I also developed new marketing techniques to double or triple sales. So my new "slow" periods will be like normal periods used to be - at least in theory. My new markets are not fully developed, but the groundwork is done, and my new marketing techniques are only partially implemented, but they may spawn new streams of income.

If nothing else, all of the activity dulled the sting of a natural down cycle.

I truly thank you for your comments, but where you're coming from is exactly where I have already been and don't want to go back to. We have exhausted all possibilities for bumping up business in the off-season, it just doesn't happen. And the off-season is short enough that we don't have resources to apply to alternative income streams/projects.

What we do in the in-season should be more than enough to cover the down season. The down time is the ONLY perk to the business we are in. Just for some reason this year it's not even close to covering it. I can't help but feel that's connected to the new ideas I'm trying on in terms of BL philosophy. I had never even considered the idea of a subjective reality prior to reading this book last week.

[On A Lark]

After a nasty Saturday, I took Wax Frog's advice and did some meditations last night...guided ones because I needed the guidance to really start to settle down because I was so worked up. I found I had a Marianne Williamson Meditations CD from years ago that I never even broke the plastic on...while I had purchased Sacred Contracts and ultimately abandoned it because it didn't really resonate with me, I am finding her voice on this meditation CD to be quite pleasant and the meditations are short and very pointed. She heavily emphasizes "Let go and let God". After the meditation I still couldn't sleep so I picked up one of my Doreen Virtue Angel Healing books and read a few chapters in that. The emphasis there was also on ASKING for help, and then RELEASING the problems to your Angels/God. I did, and had a really restful night's sleep.

In the shower (why do all major thought breakthroughs happen here???) I was reflecting on what aspects of what I'd done had actually made me feel better, and realized it was the whole releasing aspect...and it hit me smack in the face that in utilizing the BL process I had let my enormous ego shift into overdrive and try to start dictating terms and in general just attemtping to be "driving the bus", so to speak.

I was focusing on the aspect of BL that says "I am the creator of everything"...my ego said Hey great, you finally realize I'm in charge here, now let's get to fixing this hologram. This morning I am able to take a step back and realize it's not about what I do, it's about trusting that this moment, every moment, is presenting me with exactly what I need. I release the need to manipulate, and accept what IS. I do recognize myself as the creator of my own reality, and recognize that all the drama I've created is just an illusion. I take back the power from those illusions and simply sit inside the moment that is now and trust that all is unfolding to my highest good.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy working with the Angels (nifty creation I had there)...particularly Archangel Michael whom I have called on to help lift away fears.

Thanks for listening to the rambling...I hope something in that can be of benefit to someone else at some point.

[nicbrahms]

Originally Posted by marinik

Do you even have a clue of what we are talking about? Have you read the book? If you had you would know what RS stands for.

Touchy, the way I look at it, busting loose from the money game works around the principles of LOA. Universal priniciple.

I understand busting loose from money, because true abundance does not involve money.

Thanks

Nic

[nicbrahms]

Originally Posted by On A Lark

After a nasty Saturday, I took Wax Frog's advice and did some meditations last night...guided ones because I needed the guidance to really start to settle down because I was so worked up. I found I had a Marianne Williamson Meditations CD from years ago that I never even broke the plastic on...while I had purchased Sacred Contracts and ultimately abandoned it because it didn't really resonate with me, I am finding her voice on this meditation CD to be quite pleasant and the meditations are short and very pointed. She heavily emphasizes "Let go and let God". After the meditation I still couldn't sleep so I picked up one of my Doreen Virtue Angel Healing books and read a few chapters in that. The emphasis there was also on ASKING for help, and then RELEASING the problems to your Angels/God. I did, and had a really restful night's sleep.

In the shower (why do all major thought breakthroughs happen here???) I was reflecting on what aspects of what I'd done had actually made me feel better, and realized it was the whole releasing aspect...and it hit me smack in the face that in utilizing the BL process I had let my enormous ego shift into overdrive and try to start dictating terms and in general just attemtping to be "driving the bus", so to speak.

I was focusing on the aspect of BL that says "I am the creator of everything"...my ego said Hey great, you finally realize I'm in charge here, now let's get to fixing this hologram. This morning I am able to take a step back and realize it's not about what I do, it's about trusting that this moment, every moment, is presenting me with exactly what I need. I release the need to manipulate, and accept what IS. I do recognize myself as the creator of my own reality, and recognize that all the drama I've created is just an illusion. I take back the power from those illusions and simply sit inside the moment that is now and trust that all is unfolding to my highest good.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy working with the Angels (nifty creation I had there)...particularly Archangel Michael whom I have called on to help lift away fears.

Thanks for listening to the rambling...I hope something in that can be of benefit to someone else at some point.

My friend everything you have gone through describes my reality, so you have helped me greatly. You have mirrored my internal perfectly, I guess as my reality is supposed to do.

Anyway when I have all the bills piling up, I did exactly as you have done, I trusted it would be alright and I chilled in the moment. When you are in the moment universal energy can flow through you unencumbered and then the bills really don't matter do they. You trust it will all be taken care of.

I hope you don't mind my chatting on your topic as I do think the principles behind busting loose from the money game are LOA with a different spin on it.

Someone on this board made me feel like I was not welcome. So just to be sure.

Thanks for your help.

Love and light and I know you will work it all out in magnificient fashion my friend which means that I will too.

Nic Brahms

[marinik]

Originally Posted by nicbrahms

My friend everything you have gone through describes my reality, so you have helped me greatly. You have mirrored my internal perfectly, I guess as my reality is supposed to do.

Anyway when I have all the bills piling up, I did exactly as you have done, I trusted it would be alright and I chilled in the moment. When you are in the moment universal energy can flow through you unencumbered and then the bills really don't matter do they. You trust it will all be taken care of.

I hope you don't mind my chatting on your topic as I do think the principles behind busting loose from the money game are LOA with a different spin on it.

Someone on this board made me feel like I was not welcome. So just to be sure.

Thanks for your help.

Love and light and I know you will work it all out in magnificient fashion my friend which means that I will too.

Nic Brahms

Sorry but not touchy just see that if you do not read the book you interpret all of it wrong. There are no bills and no money in Phase 2 and in phase one you are supposed to feel gratitude for them. And the twist is much more than just LOA basic principals, it is much more a total quantum leap.

[nicbrahms]

Originally Posted by marinik

Sorry but not touchy just see that if you do not read the book you interpret all of it wrong. There are no bills and no money in Phase 2 and in phase one you are supposed to feel gratitude for them. And the twist is much more than just LOA basic principals, it is much more a total quantum leap.

If internal mirrors external then perhaps you should be asking yourself if you are understanding the book properly, because you seem hell bent on telling me that I don't get it.

And quite frankly I don't think the thread starter is ready for phase 2 do you?

Basics of LOA are the essence of every self help book. LOA also tells you to smile when a bill comes and say thanks for it cause you know the money is available to pay it.

Peace friend but if my posts bother you please don't read them, but perhaps I should go read the book perhpas why I manifested you as an indication of that. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Okay toodles and thank you friend, I am gonna read the book. I see the external signal in you and it did cross my mind to read it but I didn't think I would find the time, but now it is a given.

Ciao Ciao

Nic

[Wax Frog]

Pain bodies, people, pain bodies! [half-kidding]

[Dreamcatcher21]

Originally Posted by On A Lark

After a nasty Saturday, I took Wax Frog's advice and did some meditations last night...guided ones because I needed the guidance to really start to settle down because I was so worked up. I found I had a Marianne Williamson Meditations CD from years ago that I never even broke the plastic on...while I had purchased Sacred Contracts and ultimately abandoned it because it didn't really resonate with me, I am finding her voice on this meditation CD to be quite pleasant and the meditations are short and very pointed. She heavily emphasizes "Let go and let God". After the meditation I still couldn't sleep so I picked up one of my Doreen Virtue Angel Healing books and read a few chapters in that. The emphasis there was also on ASKING for help, and then RELEASING the problems to your Angels/God. I did, and had a really restful night's sleep.

In the shower (why do all major thought breakthroughs happen here???) I was reflecting on what aspects of what I'd done had actually made me feel better, and realized it was the whole releasing aspect...and it hit me smack in the face that in utilizing the BL process I had let my enormous ego shift into overdrive and try to start dictating terms and in general just attemtping to be "driving the bus", so to speak.

I was focusing on the aspect of BL that says "I am the creator of everything"...my ego said Hey great, you finally realize I'm in charge here, now let's get to fixing this hologram. This morning I am able to take a step back and realize it's not about what I do, it's about trusting that this moment, every moment, is presenting me with exactly what I need. I release the need to manipulate, and accept what IS. I do recognize myself as the creator of my own reality, and recognize that all the drama I've created is just an illusion. I take back the power from those illusions and simply sit inside the moment that is now and trust that all is unfolding to my highest good.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy working with the Angels (nifty creation I had there)...particularly Archangel Michael whom I have called on to help lift away fears.

Good! I’m glad you were able to resolve this for yourself.

Thanks for listening to the rambling...I hope something in that can be of benefit to someone else at some point.

Yes, me!

It's one thing for me to have an intellectual understanding of "this is all an illusion, therefore it has no power," but another to truly internalize it and live it. So I, myself, are far from free of the desire to "change the hologram."

So I found this insight of yours interesting:

I had let my enormous ego shift into overdrive and try to start dictating terms and in general just attemtping to be "driving the bus", so to speak.

I was focusing on the aspect of BL that says "I am the creator of everything"...my ego said Hey great, you finally realize I'm in charge here, now let's get to fixing this hologram.

I hadn’t thought about it that way before – that it’s my ego that wants to “change, fix, or improve” the “hologram.” And now I’m thinking that when my ego actually succeeds in “changing, fixing, or improving” the hologram, it then thinks it's actually accomplished something - that it’s either gained something or “kept the monsters at bay,” so to speak. But has it really? Because as Robert Scheinfeld says, aren’t I just trading one illusion for another?

[Arboretor]

Originally Posted by On A Lark

I had forgotten how much I enjoy working with the Angels (nifty creation I had there)...particularly Archangel Michael whom I have called on to help lift away fears.

Ahhh... he is my angel as well. And he is always there if I call him.

[Dreamcatcher21]

Originally Posted by nicbrahms

I hope you don't mind my chatting on your topic as I do think the principles behind busting loose from the money game are LOA with a different spin on it.

I’m almost through my second reading of the book and I’ve starting thinking Robert Scheinfeld’s methods could actually be interpreted as another spin on the Law of Attraction (even though he doesn’t see his method that way).

His methods focus on helping the reader to:

Feel infinitely powerful
Feel infinitely abundant
Feel appreciative of everything

(There's a little more to it than this, but this is a big part of it.)

If someone practices feeling this way on a regular basis, they're bound to “raise their vibration.”

And he bases his methods on:

The idea that everything we experience as physical reality is an illusion.

And that I (as Consciousness, Expanded Self, etc.) am the creator of the illusion.

And I think that the reason he doesn’t call his method The Law of Attraction is because he doesn’t believe we’re actually attracting anything from “out there” (because there is no “out there”). Plus he advises against trying to manifest specific things, because that would just strengthen our belief that the illusion is “real” and we would end up just giving away more of our power to it.

Now, like I said, I’m only on my second reading of the book. Robert Scheinfeld’s writing style is very “light,” but the concepts he presents are quite “heavy.” So it’s taking me a while to digest the information. So, it’s quite possible that on a third or fourth reading I might totally change my mind about what I just said.

[Arboretor]

For me the key point of BL is the same as in the LOA: Trust

[On A Lark]

Originally Posted by nicbrahms

Okay toodles and thank you friend, I am gonna read the book. I see the external signal in you and it did cross my mind to read it but I didn't think I would find the time, but now it is a given.

Ciao Ciao

Nic

Nic I think you will like the book, particularly how it treats the subject of LOA, it's different than anything I'd read before. I'll be interested to hear your insights. I ordered the book from Amazon and it only took a few days to arrive but they also have their new ebook available online once you order the physical book so I ended up reading the whole thing before it even got here!

[On A Lark]

Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher21

Good! I’m glad you were able to resolve this for yourself.



Yes, me!

It's one thing for me to have an intellectual understanding of "this is all an illusion, therefore it has no power," but another to truly internalize it and live it. So I, myself, are far from free of the desire to "change the hologram."

So I found this insight of yours interesting:



I hadn’t thought about it that way before – that it’s my ego that wants to “change, fix, or improve” the “hologram.” And now I’m thinking that when my ego actually succeeds in “changing, fixing, or improving” the hologram, it then thinks it's actually accomplished something - that it’s either gained something or “kept the monsters at bay,” so to speak. But has it really? Because as Robert Scheinfeld says, aren’t I just trading one illusion for another?

This idea is really resonating for me...I think our ego's are the main driving force in Phase I reality. We're so vested in hiding our true power that we really don't have any other tools other than ego to give us guidance. And I do now think that when I do manage to change or improve something in the hologram it's my ego that feels the satisfaction and that gives it positive feedback that it should keep changing things.

I am really devoted to just sitting in the NOW today...I'm keeping my focus on this, nothing is real except this present moment and I"m trusting that my ES has me right where I need to be.

[On A Lark]

Ahhh... he is my angel as well. And he is always there if I call him.


I know, how in the world could I have "forgotten" that I have this powerful ally available to me at all times? It's funny because I have a bunch of Angel Card decks and I always pull the Michael card that says "Remember who you are"...after reading BL I'm really starting to remember. Michael Rocks!

[On A Lark]

Well, this is some timing. I'm about a year out from first reading BLFTMG, and 9 months or so from reading BLFTBG, and just shy of a year from when I started this thread.

I sit here now in even WORSE financial straits then I was last year. For years I've been robbing Peter to pay Paul, and finally Peter is tapped out. Right now nothing is even late, just on the verge, so I don't even think we could declare bankruptcy (also, our assets are more than our debts but our bank REFUSES to refinance). It's all so frustrating.

I have tried for a year to manifest a buyer for my business with zero success. In October I ripped up my vision boards and destroyed my altar. All of this is just bunk. What happened instead of manifesting anything good is that my mother-in-law got sick with stomach cancer and very unexpectedly passed away in June. So it's very difficult for me to find any kind of reason/rationale/meaning in anything.

As things unfolded financially last year, it was fine. Some bills were paid late, but the "season" kicked in mid-March and it all eventually got caught up. I just have to hope we can swing through to that same time this coming year.

Prior to M-I-L getting sick I had successfully started eating healthier and exercising and had lost 20#, I have since gained every single one of them back. I am back to depressed/suicidal just like last year. I rationally "know" that this is a horrible time of year for me, and this year made worse by a family fight. I have sincerely spoken to DH about just sitting in the closed garage with the car running, while we drink a few bottles of red wine and just go away. I'm so tired, and I just want to be done. Who's to say that it's not like Inception, and your "real" life starts after you die?

I don't do the process at all anymore, it just doesn't resonate with me. I've been trying to work with Abraham Hicks and Mike Dooley, and just focusing on manifesting happiness. But I am so subject to dark moods and panic attacks that it's hard to stay focused. It all just seems so random, I continue to let daily activities dictate my mood/energy. I feel helpless, and all my life I've considered myself to be so "together". What a loser.

The financial stuff is driving me mad. Honestly, I cannot figure out why I keep showing myself the same scenario over and over. I've tried meditating, readings, anything to help me "hear" what I'm supposed to be learning form this, if anything. But there's just nothing. I don't think there even is a lesson. It all just IS, and it all just sucks.