Were my intentions involved in Mom's suicide?
 

Comments appreciated :( I'm not over the shock over my Mom's suicide almost two yrs ago and someone mentioned power of intention. I resented /hate this city but lived by Mom when Dad died - she was a non conditional Mary Tyler Moore type, all-ways happy and positive. She slit her wrists. Note she left said sell her condo, move and be happy. BE HAPPY??? I died when she did. Self loathing lead to gambling 200k. Too much time to wonder; is she happy? Did she "make it over"? Does she suffer seeing me cry? Has she moved on/hovering over? Guilt is quelled slightly by remembering that this was co-created; maybe in another probable reality we're happy, nevertheless; why did we choose such a horrific experience and a love/hate relationship as obviously she withheld anger due to my absence and financial debts I caused for school/divorce. Did my intention to want to move away kill her? Was she just mad and imploded impulsively to get my attn? Questions non ending w/no closure in sight, but need to begin creating another probable life and move on and some how choose to be happy.

annah,
This is a hard topic to discuss when so much emotion is involved. Although your life is intertwined with all of your family, your mom had her own destiny to follow when she was born, and you have yours. Because most of us don’t know what kind of life and lessons we agreed to before we were born, we cannot know why things happen. For all I can guess, your mom agreed to help you learn about great loss and suicide. If you believe in karma, you may have committed suicide in a past life, and she had to deal with the loss. You may have intended this into your life because you needed these lessons. But on the other hand, your mother had free will to do what she wanted with her life. I am not intending to sound cold, but you need to focus on your life, and manifesting what you want. I believe in reincarnation and I believe that your mother will be back again. I also think your mother is in a place where she can see who she truly is and who you truly are, and she is smiling.

in agreement
 

Thank you for your input. I believe that there are no accidents in life. We all have choices, yes. And as a line from Shawshank Redemption rang so clear for I did both; "get busy living or get busy dying". I must believe that she is in a better place. Part of me lacks the motivation to go on and has become extremely irresponsible which makes putting my life back together all the more difficult and getting close to anyone is almost impossible. But, recently am forced to decide to create a new home; inside and out. thx I AM.

Annah, from what you're saying it sounds like there are a few things you're trying to deal with: whether your mom's choice to end her life was to any extent your fault, what your feelings are regarding what happened, and how to move on with your life.

Perhaps you're angry at your mom for doing what she did, or angry at yourself because you feel it was at least partly your fault, or perhaps both. You probably miss her greatly and are wondering why she'd do something that would hurt you so much. You need to forgive her, because she didn't intend to hurt you. You must also forgive yourself as well. This was ultimately her choice, and you can't blame yourself for what happened.

It will probably be hard to do, but I think that forgiveness will help you move on with your life. You will also probably never find out the answers to all your questions in this lifetime, and that's another thing you will have to accept to move on. I hope this helps you.

annah, you ARE still suffering from your Mom's death. Your post above sounds like you're blaming yourself for it. You mother decided for her own reasons to kill herself, it wasn't about you! Even if she had issues with you, they were HER issues, not yours. You can try using EFT (check my website) to work through your feelings, and start moving on. Or others here will probably recommend other techniques. She wanted you to be happy, so give it a shot for her.

I wish you joy, peace and love
Hazel

Before I even got into IM I wondered if my thoughts possibly contributed to my grandfather's death. I don't blame myself that much though since I'm pretty sure it's true. I didn't know. I'm almost certain he wanted to go as well.

While your loss is much more tragic and significant, the same rule should still stand. All the co-creating you could ever do, your mother's death wouldn't have happened without her choosing that road for herself.

How often do you have these guilty thoughts? You have to start monitoring where your mind is leading you and start setting it on a better track.