Overcoming Negativity Of Spouse

[jacare]

I wish to be totally immersed in positive thinking, goal setting, manifesting wealth, maintaining my good health, and improving my understanding of metaphysics and mind mastery. I consider it a life's work in progress.

However, my wife thinks it all nonsense, and refuses to spend a single moment on any of it. She ridicules me if I mention any of this stuff (subconscious, goal setting, etc.) In fact, she prefers to dwell on what might go wrong, and the worst possible outcomes. She says it's her analytical nurse's training. She also goes into 2 week dark depressions, and seems to wallow in it. I notice her father is the same way, he is incredibly negative, and he attracts things into his life I won't even mention here. How does one overcome this? The irony is that she relies on my achievements, and as we know here, achievements are the result of right thinking.

I know enough now, that everything in my life I've attracted, including the negativity of my spouse. Do I work on myself to change her? Can anyone recommend techniques to approach this issue?

[rawxstasy]

Don't try to change her. I think as you said, work on yourself and she will change. I dont' agree that it's analytical nurses thinking. I graduate in two months as a nurse and I am a positive thinker. It's difficult to not allow another person to get you down. If she's says negative stuff, just let it in one ear and out the other.

To change yourself I would recommend "the power of now" and "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle. That will get you more aware of your thoughts and feelings. You learn to accept "what is". Through that, change comes about. Read books on LOA, metaphysics, spiritual books.

[Holistic Star]

Yes I agree with Rawxstasy. When she ridicules you just say 'You may be right' and carry on doing your own sweet thing.

The best example you can be of it working is that you are able to deal with negative comments!

[Zas]

Regardless of other people's states, just working in my own being, I want to be someone who always sees and brings out the positive in others. It doesn't become me to focus on the negative judgments I'm passing onto others, regardless of how justified I want to argue for those judgments being in this moment.

It helps a lot to write down all the great qualities I see in someone. Not just the obvious ones I see now, but also to spend some time reliving really great memories where I was stunned by their greatness- Even if that was just the one time I remember them being completely honest or the one time I remember them offering support. When you're focused on how unhelpful someone is, you'll see/get more of that. When you're focused on how much a blessing someone is in your life, on the other hand . . .

[joelr]

Good opportunity to practice some of these principles! Let us know what works.

[ssandra]

I wish I could help you...

I am dealing with the same thing in my husband. The only exception might be that he is sometimes interested in talking about it. But he will never read anything, only talk to me about it.

In his daily life he is also very negative and does not take responsabilty for his own life. He basically says that he hates his life and I am the only thing making it worth living...

Oh well... nothing to do about it. I just point out all the good times to him, to make him put focus on that as well. I try and be as positive as possible without rubbing it in his face.

I´ll let you know if it changes anything with him, but so far at least I am happy with it...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by jacare

Do I work on myself to change her?

I wouldn't. I'd focus on self-work for its own joyful purpose, and grant her the freedom to be exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't. She may very well be inspired by your growth, and take on some of the things that are exciting you; but she may never be inspired or moved past her resistance to what you're doing.

You have the brilliant opportunity to see how inspiring and influential you can be, but I wouldn't do it with the intention of fixing her, but rather with the intention of finding out how inspiring I can be. Big difference!

If you find that you just are not willing to accept her exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't, and/or you want to either go it alone or find a partner whose values are more aligned with yours, then let her go with love. The generous thing to do would be to not take up any of her valuable life, and give her room to find someone who is a better match (same goes for you, too). But if you are resolute about staying in the marriage, I think it would be wise to practice real, generous acceptance of who she's being, as you go about the business of focusing on your own expansion. Be open with her about that, though, so you don't blindside her -- she may not have the broadened awareness that would be necessary for noticing you growing away from her, and it seems like it would be more loving to help her to see where you're going, even if it's a bit uncomfortable for her to see the backside of you, moving in a direction she's unwilling to go.

[emeadow]

I have lived in a similar situation for awhile, and while I might not have the key, I can at least offer some 'down the road' possibilities or outcomes. It is still a work in progress, but I somehow think that will always remain the case.....

Several years ago, my husband was still unable to join me in my changes, discuss them, or even consider that he should look at his own approaches. He took more of the stance of 'this is how I am', period, no changing that, everyone can deal with it. I felt like I was constantly trying to drag him along with me in my ideas, pointing out the things he should work on, how his thought process was very negative, how he was stressing himself out, ect.

When I realized I was spending more time trying to analyze his errors then work on my own progress, I really tried to step back. I said to myself the best thing I could offer to him was to be an example and focus on what I have control of, which is only myself. Easier said then done, but I have really tried to focus on that.

He used to get much more angry over things (not at me really, just situations, work issues, ect), and I found I would just walk away a lot, leave the house, just to stay away from the energy when it was getting to a point of influencing me. But during this time, I also tried to keep finding things we could do together that we both enjoyed and related to, so that having a difference in opinion on some of our approaches to situations did not drive TOO big of a wedge between us on the short term. I did realize that for the long term, if he did not start to grow in a similar direction as me, we were likely not to make it. But at the time, I still felt I had A LOT to work on personally, so I wanted to keep my best friend and see where I ended up later in the process. I was pretty bad when I first started becoming more aware, so I opted to work on me first, our relationship second.

So fast forward a few years down the road, and I am so glad that when I let go, and stopped trying to control how he thought....he started to become more aware of himself on his own. I do believe I set an example in many ways, because I have changed SO much in that time, he could not ignore it. We started talking more, he became more interested, and I also learned better ways to approach him that he could relate to.

We work in the same office, and I have had people come to me and tell me he has changed so much the last couple years, that he is much less stressed, that he doesn't really have a temper anymore, ect. We have grown closer on many levels, and while we do not meet up everywhere, I am happy with our progress.

There are days I am still frustrated, but I try to remember that the only person I can control is myself, as usually our conflicts arise when I start to try and force things again. Each time I think maybe he is stuck, or there is a difference between us I think will never change, he surprises me again. The last month he is really starting to work on LOA, even applying it to a couple events the last two weeks, and he had GREAT results both times. He is not ready to sit down and read books on the subject, but he is at a stage where he likes to listen to my discussions on various topics I have read or seen, and I am grateful for that growing connection.

I have realized his passion for personal growth will likely never be on the same level as me, but I am happy he is still growing at his own pace. In the end, I have learned more WITH him then without, and I am thankful for that.

Just my thoughts from my own experience in case that helps at all....

[Acting Like Godot]

Jacare:

My suggestion is that you proceed with small, little steps.

All you have to do is surreptitiously feed her two or three positive thoughts per day.

[jacare]

Thanks for all of the excellent responses. I read and thought about each and every one of them. My conclusion is that I have miles and miles to go on myself still. I'm not qualified to judge my wife. And the overriding thing is that she is a terrific mother to our two children, which are my highest priority.

So, I'm going to keep working on my own enlightenment, and consider her bouts of negativity a "test". One day maybe I will be so enlightened they will cease to disturb me. - Or she will stop doing it...

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by jacare

...
She also goes into 2 week dark depressions, and seems to wallow in it.
...

Originally Posted by jacare

...
And the overriding thing is that she is a terrific mother to our two children, which are my highest priority.
...

Terrific mother, 2 weeks depression periods? You must be kidding?

And ever think what example her negativity must be on your kids?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Terrific mother, 2 weeks depression periods? You must be kidding?

And ever think what example her negativity must be on your kids?

My mom used to do that, and look at me.

I didn't find out till I was a grown-up that she had been diagnosed with and was taking drugs for depression. Still, she was a terrific mother.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Terrific mother, 2 weeks depression periods? You must be kidding?

And ever think what example her negativity must be on your kids?

It is very well possible to hide depression from your kids and not let them notice it.

It all depends on how you define depression. If it is a paralizing depression that makes you stay in bed for 2 weeks, that is something different then a depression that you can have with PMS.

Mothers can get over themselves for their kids. Usually their spouse and themselves will pay the price later.. but the kids will not notice.

[themaster]

Originally Posted by jacare

Thanks for all of the excellent responses. I read and thought about each and every one of them. My conclusion is that I have miles and miles to go on myself still. I'm not qualified to judge my wife. And the overriding thing is that she is a terrific mother to our two children, which are my highest priority.

So, I'm going to keep working on my own enlightenment, and consider her bouts of negativity a "test". One day maybe I will be so enlightened they will cease to disturb me. - Or she will stop doing it...

Awesome choice.. lead by example.. it's the only real way to lead anyway..

and ignore spirit's judgments..

[Arlene deWinter]

Hi,
W are all born with our shadow, it shows up in our astrologcal charts. Spouses often play out our shadow. In other words, she is merely expressing your own doubts for you. The beauty is that you can guage how much you hav e shifted into LoA mode by her reactions.
But that requires taking the shadow you have cast upon her as an indicator of hw totally you believe in what you are doing.
I have had the experience that when I am in doubt about something, people will home in it in a second and put it in my face. When there is NO doubt in me, I hear nothing but support and get pats on the back.

Its called a karmic monad or whatever -- you each have one side of the eqaution. Be grateful she is such a good mirror and not a pollyanna who believes every word you say or pretends to.

Sounds like she might be a tad bi-polar, or just very depressed. Maybe that needs to addressed as well. Maybe she needs soemthing from you too.

hope it helps,
Arlene

WINTERSPELLS: A Magical Life in Faery Witchcraft

[AthenaMarina]

My husband is NOT negative however he IS religious & believes In Sha Allah which means IF God wills it it will happen & only if. BUT he has seen things HAPPEN in our lives & now he calls me his "magic woman" & his "angel" & HE has BENEFITED too by me doing the LOA/I-M work I do!!
So sometimes it's OK to let the results speak for themselves!

[jacare]

Originally Posted by Arlene deWinter

Hi,
Spouses often play out our shadow. In other words, she is merely expressing your own doubts for you. The beauty is that you can guage how much you hav e shifted into LoA mode by her reactions.

I've found this to be very true.

If you live with another person, and have agreed upon mutual roles, your actions do have a profound effect on the other person. I need to constantly work on my mental states to keep harmony in the house. I can raise my vibration instantly by lifting weights or bike riding, usually accompanied by listening to a motivational tape on my iPod. I also regularly practice EFT, which sounds crazy, but works for me. By controlling my own state, it gives her the environment to help manage her own state. A lot of her issues are PMS related, which, as a man, I do not even begin to understand.

[themaster]

Originally Posted by jacare

A lot of her issues are PMS related, which, as a man, I do not even begin to understand.

If you worked on this statement.. you could probably make your life a lot easier

[spirit4711]

@Jacare, let me rephrase what I wrote earlier.

You state that your wife is apparently wallowing in 2 weeks periods of depression. Sounds like a kind of manipulative drama queen to me. If you believe that she is a terrific mother nevertheless, maybe you ignore the effect her behaviour has on your kids?

That they don't notice is simply not true. Maybe they don't understand (yet) what's happening, but they do notice. And they pay a price for their mother's behaviour as well.

[jacare]

I'm talking about trying to achieve the highest level of excellence here. I'm not talking about scraping up off the very bottom. We have everything anyone could ask for in a material way, and I'm just trying to fine tune things.

You have your good days, and you have your not so good days. If your kids are healthy, everybody is blessed. If they have to live through some days where Mom or Dad are not 100%, well, that's not ideal, but that's also life. And kids are actually very resilient.

[spirit4711]

There's a difference between being depressed 2 weeks / month, and having an off day...

Sheesh...

But up to you.

[themaster]

You have some serious judgment and limitation issues spirit.. you should spend more time looking at yourself and less judging what some random person wrote in text on a forum about their interpretation of their wife's behavior

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

There's a difference between being depressed 2 weeks / month, and having an off day...

Sheesh...

But up to you.

I repeat myself.. but there is a difference in being depressed that the children will know, and a depressed that only the partner will know.

People can be depressed and yet set it aside for their children (or other reasons) while still feel bad.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by themaster

You have some serious judgment and limitation issues spirit.. you should spend more time looking at yourself and less judging what some random person wrote in text on a forum about their interpretation of their wife's behavior

Maybe I'm the only one here who sees contradictions in 'wallowing in 2 weeks periods of depression' and 'being a terrific mother'. So be it.

You want to call that judgment and limitations issues, well, should I take seriously what you, a random person, wrote in a text about their interpretation of my forum behaviour?

We all judge based on what we read here - we don't have anything else to interpret than what we can read here.

Originally Posted by ssandra

I repeat myself.. but there is a difference in being depressed that the children will know, and a depressed that only the partner will know.

People can be depressed and yet set it aside for their children (or other reasons) while still feel bad.

I think we disagree here - children pick up on their parents' emotions, even if they can't verbalize it.

Maybe the wife is only depressed when the kids are in bed.

[SelfAwareWorld]

I recently went through the same thing. Now things are different. I finally realized that I create everything that happens in my life. If I direct my attention towards something that bothers me, it get's worse. If I direct my attention towards something that I like, it get's better. I know you have probably heard these things before and it sounds simplistic, but it's true.

My life with my negative wife was all my doing. I released my attention and feelings toward her attitude and concentrated on what made me feel good. Since then she has come around. Recently, at the dinner table, she gave my son a talking to about his negativity and said "you need to listen to your Daddy". WOW!

Her attitude adjustments were not because I changed her, but because I changed me.

[jacare]

Originally Posted by SelfAwareWorld

Her attitude adjustments were not because I changed her, but because I changed me.

SelfAwareWorld, thanks, this is what I think also. Like I say, I have miles and miles to go working on my own attitude before I can presume to fix somebody else. Just this morning I snapped at my daughter, because she didn't listen to me *again* when I asked her to do something. My wife then snapped at me for snapping at my daughter. Ok, so here we go, from the old playbook, my wife is now mad at me again....for how long this time....*sigh*....thinking, I'm so sick of this crap.....

Now, if I would only have refrained from snapping at my daughter, it would have not unleashed this whole chain of events. So once I eliminate all of my own destructive conditioned responses, we will have really made some progress. That's what I think a lot of this is....conditioned responses, getting conscious. Because the reason I really snapped at my daughter so easily is because I had been thinking about my business, my taxes, a customer, a project, taxes, taxes...... Like I say....miles to go.......

Edit: Wow, this thread has been a real psychologist's couch for me. I've gone from blaming my wife's negativity, to realizing I'm so wrapped up in my business, the money, the taxes, investors, customers, and all that goes with it that my tolerance level is very low. I'm realizing that I need to enjoy the process of building the business, instead of saying, when I reach X dollars in revenue, or X dollars in investment capital, *THEN* I can relax. Because with that philosophy *THEN* will keep becoming X+Y dollars, and *THEN* never arrive. So it is not her, it's me. And I think she has been trying to tell me this.

[themaster]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Maybe I'm the only one here who sees contradictions in 'wallowing in 2 weeks periods of depression' and 'being a terrific mother'. So be it.

I don't see a contradiction.. You just have serious issues, that require action/we do something.. because you think something is wrong.. with being raised that way.. well for the record I was raised that way.. came out just fine.. (maybe not in your opinion)

Originally Posted by spirit4711

You want to call that judgment and limitations issues, well, should I take seriously what you, a random person, wrote in a text about their interpretation of my forum behaviour?

No, you should always take everything with a grain of salt

Originally Posted by spirit4711

We all judge based on what we read here - we don't have anything else to interpret than what we can read here.

Might I suggest judgment from a neutral observation point.. rather than the idea of lack.. which is a description of the word "wrong"

I mean if I were to take your viewpoint literally based on what you said.. then you believe
1. There is a lot of unfit mothers out there
2. We need to get social services/police involved/whoever and get these people into our clinics cause there unfit to be parents cause there just "wrong"

My viewpoint differs in that
1. We create our own reality
2. We always have free choice
3. Those going through these choices, have made the choice/allowance and we must validate their choices and or offer the idea there's a better way

Originally Posted by spirit4711

If you believe that she is a terrific mother nevertheless, maybe you ignore the effect her behaviour has on your kids?

That they don't notice is simply not true. Maybe they don't understand (yet) what's happening, but they do notice. And they pay a price for their mother's behaviour as well.

What price do they pay? What damage is in them that can't be repaired? How do they suffer? Please.. I want to know.. you see so much lack you might has well describe it..

[Angela]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Maybe I'm the only one here who sees contradictions in 'wallowing in 2 weeks periods of depression' and 'being a terrific mother'.

Hey there, Spirit. I don't see one as contradicting the other, perhaps mostly because of my own mom's depression (which I didn't recognize as such when I was a kid). She was a wonderful, loving, mom (and overall person), and she struggled with depressive periods that just flattened her. Us kids were ok, I think, mostly because the inner resources she instilled during the nonflat times got us through those times when she'd retreat -- she taught us to be pretty autonomous. She was doing the best she could with the resources she had available. Although there were certain ways her depression shaped and taught us, we never held it against her or in any way thought it made her a bad mother. We loved her and wished her well with all our hearts - one thing it taught us was to be compassionate without being codependent.

It would have been nice, I think, if she had more resources available to her, both inner and outer, for dealing with depression, but not doing or having more around it never for a moment had me believing she was anything less than the best mother in the whole wide world. Not then, not now.

[themaster]

I tend to think the "contrast" experiences our parents provide.. allow us to shoot through as the "Better" persons they intended.. that's a nutshell statement of what you wrote in 2 paragraphs Angela

[Angela]

Originally Posted by themaster

I tend to think the "contrast" experiences our parents provide.. allow us to shoot through as the "Better" persons they intended.. that's a nutshell statement of what you wrote in 2 paragraphs Angela

Well, I think that's an additional point, not one I was talking about .... I never held my mom's depression as a contrast experience, like away-from motivation; it was just the way she was and I accepted it. One of my brothers might have, though, now that I think about it. I think he resisted it and it may have been a problem for him.