Is my list too long?

[seirwyn]

I am writing a list for the type of husband I want. However, Im a bit worried it is too long because I am making sure all the bases are covered so that I dont end up with an unfaithful, violent drunk who is bad with money -if you see what I mean. There are so many basic qualities needed in order to have a happy relationship such as faithfulness, good health, a happy disposition,respect, loving, available, willing to marry me etc. I feel I have to add these because if I dont then I might get the perfect man except he might die in a years time from a disease or run off with someone else. I have very few 'fussy' requirements on the list. The majority of my list are these essential must haves. Is this OK? Most peoples lists have around 10 points but mine has over 50!

[WordKeeper]

seirwyn - it is not a matter of the # of items on your list.

I want you to re-read your post. Think about a way in which you can rewrite that post in an affirming manner. The positive, forward thinking attitude is the key rather than the length.

Believe that you will and work on holding the image of such a man.

[Zas]

I don't know how I would feel if I met a man and he told me he'd come up with a list of exactly what he wanted which I fit and there I was. There's things I kinda know that I like. And when I'm with someone who likes things that I happen to have, I enjoy that . . .

This whole list approach to relationships that I've been reading about in this forum feels a lot like conditional love to me. I kinda just like to relax and feel that either the universe or my subconscious probably has a better idea of what's best for me than the part of me that makes lists does.

Several years ago, I made a list of qualities I wanted in a man on some forum and someone who matched that from that place worked his way into my life. Since then, it feels like my listing those qualities and his matching them was amusing, but they really turned out to have nothing to do with all the truly amazing things I got from having that person in my life. Especially since personality is so fluid that sometimes specific elements I'd listed were strong in our time of knowing each other and sometimes they were nonexistent. And he's still around for me and it feels like we've both developed and changed so much since . . . Now it feels like I could have listed completely opposite things or nothing at all and he'd still have popped up, heh.

Some day I may end up in a place to have someone new and at least equally as meaningful in my life. I don't think I would ever make a list again because I know how irrelevant that ended up being. I also know that I'm complete and I don't need anything from anyone else. Plus I would rather keep coming across plenty of strange and eye-opening experiences. I've ended up just liking the crazy surprises a little too much.




Anyway, I have no idea how things work. So it might be that listing doesn't really have a place in my romantic life (and in some other people's lives), but it's the way to go for you (and for some other people too). . . I would think that the right length would be something for you to figure out yourself. Fearing the list is too long could end up causing more damage than it actually being too long would . . .

Maybe it would be easier for you if you made it prioritized? And had a cutting off point between what is the main focus and what would simply be icing on the cake . . . If only to not be so stressful for you. Or maybe make a shorter list and have a few dates with such men, then add to the list as you see fit? (if you're in no hurry) Anyway, best of luck!

[cylon]

I think we attract who we resonate the most with. So all the qualities you think are important to you, make sure that you EXCEL in all those qualities yourself.

[MiBeloved]

It is a reasonably sized list and it needs be no longer. But don’t hold so fast to it that you write off all applicants or perspective candidates.
Unless you locate the perfect knight in shining armor who perfectly matches your perfect view of what a husband should be, you should be willing to take something that is close to what you desire and make that a work in progress. Personality is not a product like a type of clay you may order from an art catalog which when turned on a wheel and baked in a kiln, comes out the way you designed it.
Marriage is not a Jaguar made to order somewhere in England. It is more like an open lot upon which you have to build your dream house or even an occupied lot which has a fixer-upper.
Good luck. Wishing you the best!

[Zas]

Originally Posted by MiBeloved

Marriage is not a Jaguar made to order somewhere in England. It is more like an open lot upon which you have to build your dream house or even an occupied lot which has a fixer-upper.

Hee hee, that's a fun and good way of expressing things.