attracting love from scared people

[Northapt]

I ran across an old threat on here from 2006 on manifesting a particular person. The advice to allow the universe to pick your ideal partner was right on I thought. My situation is a little tricky and would like some feedback. I think I am too close to be objective.

I am a chemical dependency counselor and I have grown close to another counselor at work. She has flirted with me and all the normal courtship stuff.
I was somewhat leary of asking her out at first as she shares openly that she attracts awful relationships. She has been married 5 times and had countless relationships with men who just disappear in the end. But over time I have grown to love spending time with her. We have WONDERFUL conversations on everything from manifesting (the secret) to our kids, anything really. I am a smart, well-educated man and she keeps up with me on any topic toe to toe. We also have the ability to say just the right thing to each other at just the right time, to support each other in a way that seems magical.

I did ask her out and she said "yes" but after thinking about it a few days, she broke the date saying she has dated men at work in the past and always had to change jobs. I later pointed out that she had played a whole movie on fast-forward in her head to a date-to a relationship, then to "awful," then a job change. She laughed and owned she had done as I suggested. I also suggested since it was movie about me, I wish I'd been there.

I am not stupid and understand that this was just fear on her part. If she felt the attraction she needed, the job would not stop her.
I tried to be gracious and said I knew that I was not the type of man she historically got excited about and I was Ok with that. I tried hard NOT to be that type of man. She nodded in agreement. I let her know that I valued our connection and would not jeopardize it with what scared her. I knew I had to do this so she would not continue to feel fear if I pursued her.

I can see that she has vibrated “love hurts me” for years and the universe has given her that request for years. When a man shows up that IS what she says she wants, ..Someone honest and emotionally available and loving….she doesn’t know that vibration. It feels strange and so continues to vibrate what she knows.
Of course, I’d love to date her and get to spend more time with this wonderful connection we have.

I know I cannot manifest this but was considering something like “ I intend healing for her fear and desire her to see me for who I am in a way that is perfect for both of us,.” ......whatever that would mean. I trust the universe to do it perfectly!!

I also know it will be hard not to notice how long it might take since we see each other 5 days a week. She’s pretty scared.
Then I will get..hasn’t happened yet..which will manifest ‘hasn’t happened yet.” I may have to also wittness a couple more hurtful relationships she'll manifest before she's ready to change her vibration. The only hope I have with her is to detach from the outcome. I know that. Easier said than done isn’t it? I am also aware that I manifested "perfect but beyond reach" something like that I guess. I sure do enjoy our time though.

Thank you all in advance for your wisdom.
Ron

[Arboretor]

If you want a person to do something and the person is currently emotionally unable to make the whole step toward your goal (because it may be a very large leap for her, too large from her current viewpoint), it is often helpful to break down the path to your goal in a number of very small steps.
Make each steps so small that the person can just agree to it. Remain in the new situation for some time, until she has settled with it and feels comfortable in it. Only then take her one small step further - and so on. If she backs out at some point, you have gone to far. Take that step back and guide her along a smaller one, to which she can agree.

You'll have to find out yourself what a comfortable next step is for her -
perhaps just spending some more time together at first. Tell her you don't need anything more than this, so she doesn't get scared.
After a while slowly advance the situation a bit. This requires patience and empathy.

This is actually a good general method to get a person to do something she doesn't want to do.

Hope this helps a bit!

[fellowtraveler]

Originally Posted by Northapt

I sure do enjoy our time though.

I'd say it would be wise to be thankful for that, and not stress over wanting more.

Maybe you should intend what's best for her, that she find peace and is able to realise a mate who is in line with her highest path and purpose. Could be that mate will be you. Maybe not.

Trust and surrender. Cast your heart's desire into the wind with no string attached, and see what blows back to you. You'll be amazed.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Northapt

She has been married 5 times and had countless relationships with men who just disappear in the end...she broke the date...

Hey there, Ron. It sounds to me like, aside from a "love hurts" kind of belief, she's got an "I'm outta here" program running, and she projects it onto the men in her life. She's got it that men disappear, but what she's not seeing is that she herself is the disappearing artist. I'm mind-reading, of course, but this is my intuitive response to what you've described.

Watch her feet. When she speaks to you, do her toes point at you, or is one or both of her feet directed towards the door? Does she square her torso to yours, or is it slightly twisted away from you?

And what about you? Do you have any familiar feelings of yearning -- like you're reaching for someone who is just beyond your grasp? (your mom, maybe?)

Take a look.

[Northapt]

"And what about you? Do you have any familiar feelings of yearning -- like you're reaching for someone who is just beyond your grasp? (your mom, maybe?) "

yes. My mother left me with my grandmother to raise when she married my step-father. And so my wound is "adandonment, women who can't be trusted." I know on a spiritual, unconcisious level, I am trying to heal this. I am aware of all this.

I normally go for sexy and beauitful which feels safe and has kept me single for a long time. I dont really feel sexually attracted to her yet and looks are not a factor with this for me. But the FEELING when I'm with her and the conversations we have are just awsome! I want more, much more

This feels diffrent from what I've done in the past. Maybe it isn't though because i'm still sitting here typing this instead of with her.

My question really is: Is there anyway of manifesting a better situation with this? She is asking for "honest, loving, trustworthy" with her words but not with her vibration. I am all those things and I am right there but she does not recognize it as she has never felt that vibration before. So it feels foreign. I know this because what she attracts is not that. I asked her once if we were to line up all her lovers and ask them to make a statement to her, what would they all say? She replied 'I'm busy." I said OK, now what are they REALLY saying? She replied " I'm not worth spending time with."

That is the vibration she is offering. And of course, the universe, having no judgements gives her more of that and more of that. She has had scared, wounded men lined up around the block for many years now. I am saying "You are SO worth spending time with" but she does not hear it.

I have never known real love. Never been on that road and nether has she.
But I've seen a map (LOL) I'm willing to step into the unknown. So perhaps the question is How do I change the vibrational offering in this?

I will listen to you wise folks and then release it. I know that in this moment, I am typing this and vibrating "trying to figure this out" and I dont want to attract that anymore!!!


In conclusion, the other day I wrote down "I am noticing that I find a place where things feel better easily" thinking about her and wanting to talk to her at some point about the broken date. THE NEXT DAY she came into my office, closed the door and sat down. (We never close the door to our office unless with a client) She wanted to vent about a co-worker. I thought to myself THIS IS PERFECT! We did talk and this is when she shared she'd like to date me but was afraid of dating a co-worker ..blah..blah..blah.... My point is, I know it is possible to attract situations that open this up. Thanks for staying with my ramblings...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Northapt

My question really is: Is there anyway of manifesting a better situation with this?

What does this mean to you, "a better situation"? Does it mean:
-- a situation in which you will learn the most?
-- a situation in which you will feel a particular way, like safe or effortless?
-- a situation that doesn't demand too much of you?
-- something else?

What would you know in a better situation? What would you be saying to yourself? What would you notice, and how would it feel?

[Northapt]

Arboretor ..thanks.maybe ask her just for coffee on the way home but she may be too afraid of that even. I'm not sure. Of course, I felt kicked in the balls when she broke our last date so I have attachment to the outcome. Not a good place for me to be at if I want to attract something.

I feel like the universe will show me when it's right to ask her out again or she will let me know. Maybe I'm expecting too much. it's hard to know sometimes what is INSPIRED action or me just trying to make it happen.

Angela.. good call! It would feel better to spend my weekends with her LOL!

It feels good to be with her so I want more of that. A lot more of that.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Northapt

She has been married 5 times and had countless relationships with men who just disappear in the end.

But you're going to be the one that changes all that right? You're different than all those other guys right? They just don't love her enough, they don't care about her in the way YOU do, she was just too good for them. You'll be the one for her.

She turned you down and saved you from some major drama.

One of the hardest things to do is to accept rejection for what it is: the other person doesn't want to be with you in that way. And you have to accept that and move on with your life.

If she wanted you, she wouldn't let you get away. She sees you as a friend from all the amazing conversations you've had with her, you're safe, not a challenge, there is no unpredictability. She already knew you were going to ask her out.

She broke your date, a horrible thing to do, perhaps to see how you'd react. To see what you're made of. And now you're predictably chasing her around again like a puppy dog, hoping for a new treat.

You have a savior mentality with this woman, you want to save her from herself and her past hurts, and you have put her on a pedestal above you. This doesn't end well. You are having a fantasy romantic relationship with a girl who is not attracted to you. Yes, I've been down this road once or twice.

She wants to be friends. Move on, and do the best you can. Plenty of women out there. PLENTY.

PM me if you'd like some resources that could help you fix this pattern for good.

[Northapt]

Cylon

Wow that was harsh! You maybe be right but still harsh. I'm actually not chasing her right now. I am on this board trying to undertand this so that I don't.

I know that chasing will gain me nothing. I am on this board trying to understand how to ALLOW love to come and not MAKE love come. If you are familar with manifesting, you know the lingo.

Ron

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Northapt

yes. My mother left me with my grandmother to raise when she married my step-father. And so my wound is "adandonment, women who can't be trusted." I know on a spiritual, unconcisious level, I am trying to heal this. I am aware of all this.

So you're finding women who can't be trusted and who WILL abandon you.

[Angela]

Hey, cylon. I don't get that northapt is trying to SAVE anyone. It sounds to me like "win her back" is more the program he's running than "save her." If I could just get her to come back, then that would prove that I am _____. In that way, having her reject him is perfect manifestation --- really brilliant and powerful on his part. Great opportunity for resolving his own trauma.

I'm sorry to refer to you in the third person, northapt. You'll tell me if I'm way off-base, I'm sure. I'm quite confident you'll work this through well for yourself.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Northapt

Cylon

Wow that was harsh! You maybe be right but still harsh. I'm actually not chasing her right now. I am on this board trying to undertand this so that I don't.

I know that chasing will gain me nothing. I am on this board trying to understand how to ALLOW love to come and not MAKE love come. If you are familar with manifesting, you know the lingo.

Ron

I know you'd probably see it that way. Not meant to be HARSH at all, I was trying to throw ice water on you and get you out of this touchy feely aspect because it's hurting you. Just to get your attention. Not an attack on you in the slightest, I'm just "shouting".

I do it because I have been in this situation enough and I know exactly how all-consuming and distracting it is. AND ADDICTING.

Dude, she's not coming around. She's not interested. You are not doing the things that turn women on, which can be fixed, but on top of that, you're pursuing women who are broken, which CAN'T be fixed.

My intention is for you to be attracted to women who are loving, giving, nurturing, kind, and open to love. Who put YOU up on that pedestal.

Until you get over the rush of chasing broken women, that can't happen.

Again, I have resources that could help you. Otherwise, good luck. Just focus on what you WANT, not on what your PAST wants.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hey, cylon. I don't get that northapt is trying to SAVE anyone. It sounds to me like "win her back" is more the program he's running than "save her." If I could just get her to come back, then that would prove that I am _____. In that way, having her reject him is perfect manifestation --- really brilliant and powerful on his part. Great opportunity for resolving his own trauma.

I'm sorry to refer to you in the third person, northapt. You'll tell me if I'm way off-base, I'm sure. I'm quite confident you'll work this through well for yourself.

I think both are going on. I agree rejection and acceptance IS the best thing in this case.

You have to get your heartbroken a few times until you realize that the validation you were looking for is not in the other person, it's in you.

[Northapt]

wow now I'm really depressed. Thanks to everyone for your comments. I know you mean well. I am just moving toward what feels good ansd spending time with her does.

Ron

[cylon]

You're depressed because you wanted a different answer. You wanted some reassurance that you and her would be together. I have been there too many times. This is why I'm making all these posts to you. I know exactly what you're going through.

This is one woman. If you learn now, how to avoid a situation like this, and decide to focus on available women (emotionally available, not co-workers--remember how she had TO LEAVE JOBS when she got involved? She's warning you that it's going to get SCARY) you could possibly have a lifetime of healthy, fulfilling relationships in front of you.

But you have to make the right decisions for that to happen. This is an emotional train-wreck and you're deliberately getting on that train. It is not going to the destination you want.

You KNOW who she's attracted to. Guys she has to chase. Guys that leave her. Guys who she knows she has to hold onto or they'll move on. You're not acting like one of those guys. And you don't want to BE one of those guys. LOA-like attracts like. Are you the male version of a girl who's been married five times and has to quit jobs after dating co-workers?

But.... you'll learn all that. Since you're probably going to hold out hope on this one, at the very least, tell yourself that you're on a learning experience and that you are strong enough to handle the consequences that are in store. Professional and emotional consequences.

I truly wish the best for you man.

[Northapt]

I do know you mean well. But a lot of what I'm getting here is practical relationship advice. I have all that in paperbacks on my bookshelf. I came here to learn more about manifesting.

I believe we can also limit ourselves by "common sense."

The universe can do ANYTHING! I know I can not attract someone against their will. But we had the best conversation today about fear in relationships and all the dynamics that have been discussed here. We laughed and had fun. She is so fun. I just love her energy. I'm not so sure I'm trying to manifest her against her will. I think she's just scared. I feel much diffrently then whats she used to so it feels scary. But in fact she kept calling me back to her office and talking and talking. I tried to get up and leave but we just kept talking and laughing. I know the universe could align the perfect way to sooth her fear. I really stepped up the honesty tonight. She has not agreed to date but she's not running away ether.

Ron

[cylon]

I think you are in WAY over your head with this one. These things just sound like "information on a bookshelf" but once you see what happens, you'll realize I was speaking from first-hand experience and I knew what was going to happen.


But--you want to be with her. Everything I'm saying is going in one ear and out the other, I realize that. That's just how it is. Come back and visit this thread in a couple months.

At the very LEAST, if I were you I would seriously, seriously consider looking for a new job.
You're playing with fire. You're going after damaged goods and you just might end up damaged yourself.

Good luck, be safe, keep your head on straight.

[Northapt]

Well I must be doing something right. LOA works!!!!!

Today at work she locked her keys in her car. A client showed for her and she was in a panic. I asked what I could do to help (Thinking I'd take the client) She asked if I could give her a ride home to get her spare car keys. I did, she invited me in, showed me around,met her dog..all that good stuff. While in the car we processed fear about dating co-workers and her thinking seemed to have shifted and she referred to a a married couple she knew in the feild. We are going out next weekend. I could have never arranged that to happen myself but the unversive can lose keys quite nicely!

[cylon]

I know you realize women are attracted to men who are unpredictable. You are playing a part that has been played zillions of times for thousands and thousands of years.

Wait why am I posting here? Lol.

[Northapt]

Cylon,

I know you mean well but are you happy? Are you in a relationship?. A defensive posture can keep you safe from being hurt. But isn't that forming an assumtion that people will hurt you unless you play games better then them?

With all due respect, you may be projecting your own hurt on this board. At least concider that.

I think there is a dance to courtship. You dance faster then her, you slow down. she goes too fast, you slow down. I will try to get her to dance with me at a comfortable speed as it unfolds. That is my intention.

Any behavior that is less then open and honest has it's roots in fear.

Women dont want a man they can walk on. She hasn't walked on me. If she does, I'll move on...trust me. Right now, she is being honest and scared, but progress in that is being made.

[cylon]

No, I'm not in a relationship right now. But I have learned quite a bit through experience. Men who have not have had love in the past seem to go through a series of hurdles. And one of those first hurdles is learning which women are worth pursuing.

Courtship IS a dance. You're 100% right about that. And you're dancing as fast as you can. She can see all your moves, before even you make them. This fairy-tale, knight in shining armor identity you have with her is going to work against you. You are doing absolutely nothing that would turn this woman on. You're being the safe "friend". The wear your heart on your sleeve stuff you're doing belongs in Hollywood movies. It does not work in the real world.

The only reason I'm posting in here is because I have lived this. I've suffered through it. I've learned from it. And I see another guy going through the same thing, and I can't help but at least do my best to reach out and say "danger will robinson".

One day you'll see someone go through what you have gone through, and you'll want to spare them the pain. You'll be in my shoes someday.

But you will learn all this and more. You have to go through this on your own I guess. I know I did.

[fellowtraveler]

Originally Posted by Northapt

Well I must be doing something right. LOA works!!!!!

Today at work she locked her keys in her car. A client showed for her and she was in a panic. I asked what I could do to help (Thinking I'd take the client) She asked if I could give her a ride home to get her spare car keys. I did, she invited me in, showed me around,met her dog..all that good stuff. While in the car we processed fear about dating co-workers and her thinking seemed to have shifted and she referred to a a married couple she knew in the feild. We are going out next weekend. I could have never arranged that to happen myself but the unversive can lose keys quite nicely!

"LOA" manifested what you wanted - an opportunity. Did it manifest a life partner? Tread lightly, dude.

OTOH, if a man is going to be a man, he won't let his heart hurt until she actually puts a kitchen knife in it - and even then he'll laugh it off til he gets outside.

I don't trust the Universe - its eyes are too close together...

[wellbeing]

Just so I'm clear, NorthApt: what exactly would you like to manifest?

[Northapt]

Thanks for asking, I would like to manifest a relationship with this woman like we have now but more of it. LOTS MORE OF IT! And let us grow together in closeness and soulfulness in an absense of fear. We are playful with each other. We support one another, we seem to say just the right thing at the right time to remind each other what we need to do. We talk about personal growth, Law of attraction and our potential. We have soulful conversations about relationships and family. We even talk about things we hate and then laugh and laugh and have fun before releasing it. Who does that? WE DO!!
it's fun just to be in the same room with her.

I want MUCH MORE OF THAT!! Who wouldn't?

I'm not mentioning the things that keep us from being closer as I don't want to create more of that. I know the uni

I want to walk with her on my journey knowing she may be a life partner or is preparing me for one.

[Lucid Dreamer]

She has been married 5 times and had countless relationships with men who just disappear in the end.

And you're going to be the one who saves her, right? What a boost to your ego if you succeed!

That might be a cynical viewpoint but, as a woman, I'm under no illusions about a man's persistence with a "difficult" woman. It's rarely about the woman, it's mostly about the thrill of the conquest and the subsequent major inflation to the man's ego. So-called "nice guys" are the worst because they won't admit (even to themselves!) that they're acting out of pride.

IMHO, with her experience of men she's probably smart enough to see where you're coming from and may throw you a few scraps out of pity or because she's bored and it amuses her. This woman has been around the block a few times and, in comparison, you are an enthusiastic amateur. She will eat you for breakfast, spit out the pips, and move on to her next victim...er, husband?... with barely a burp.

Thats my unwanted 2 cents.

[Angela]

Now I am picturing her as a big fat monster Jaba the Hut type, using you as a toothpick.

She's just a woman, though, not a monster, and she's doing the best she can with the resources she has available. I'm confident that whatever happens, Northapt will handle it in the perfect way.

Especially with fierce protectors like us around!

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Lucid Dreamer

she's probably smart enough to see where you're coming from and may throw you a few scraps out of pity or because she's bored and it amuses her. This woman has been around the block a few times and, in comparison, you are an enthusiastic amateur. She will eat you for breakfast, spit out the pips, and move on to her next victim...er, husband?... with barely a burp.

Thats my unwanted 2 cents.

Norhapt, read that until it sinks in.

Lucid Dreamer is absolutely right, and since she's a woman, her opinion probably holds more weight than mine does to you.

Angela is right too, she's a human being, not a monster. She is who she is.

But I think this woman is amazingly damaged, and is using the OP for his attention, she knows exactly what she's doing. The only chance he would ever have of getting with this woman is if he abruptly withdraws attention and starts ignoring her. Then he'll see a different side of this lady. Just hope he doesn't have a pet rabbit.

The OP said he wanted to talk about LOA. I agree. Look at this woman, the type of life she lives, how she feels about herself, the degree of love she has for herself, and the degree of love she is ABLE to give, and realize you're looking in a mirror.

But this isn't the soul-mate type mirror you want. This is the misery loves company type mirror.

[Lucid Dreamer]

Now I am picturing her as a big fat monster Jaba the Hut type, using you as a toothpick.

I did have the toothpick image in mind when I wrote it. I'm a writer, I can't help the metaphors!

I may have been harsh *sheepishly*, and I don't want to imply that she's a monster at all. As Cyclon said, she is who she is. She is on a rollercoaster ride of relationship/drama addiction. Do you really fancy screaming your way through a relationship with her? (there go those metaphors again!)

[fellowtraveler]

Sometimes it's easier to quote modern poets:

Bob Seger said it:

I used her, she used me, but neither one cared...
we were gettin' our share, workin on our night moves.

And Mick says:

You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

Nuttin' wrong with it whichever way it goes.

Anyhow there hasn't been a lot about "LOA" in this thread. Maybe there is more advice over in the Social and Relationships forum.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by fellowtraveler

Anyhow there hasn't been a lot about "LOA" in this thread.

Really? From my point of view it has ALL been about intention manifestation.