A question about subjective reality and relationships

[JMononoetoe]

I just had an almost self-development coaching talk with my mother about how life is at the moment. In the beginning of the chat she was going on about how much she doesn't like her partner and how he behaves, and I kept asking untill she started talking about herself.
So the truth is that she feels quite unhappy and unrecognized.

I wanted to tell her more about how intention and subjective reality would work, but I didn't, simply because I found that I still don't completely understand it, and that it might actually cause the conversation to go the wrong way. So I kept at asking her that now that she knows what she doesn't want, to think about what she does want. Interestingly enough she said she hadn't really thought about it and didn't really know, but eventually she came up with some things.

During the conversation I found that it's actually quite hard to guide someone using the principles of intention-manifestation. I personally believe that you attract what is dominant in your thoughts and that you experience a subjective reality (although I'm still learning to get used to the subjective reality thing).
During the conversation however, I found these principles to be quite hard to use effectively when trying to help someone. Am I really going to tell her that she (unconsciously) is manifesting all this trouble? Am I really going to say that it's basically her fault that she's in this mess in the first place?
Of course it's her fault, or rather her responsibility. It's just really hard to grasp that it is you who hurts you, even though it's objectively someone else who's shouting at you all the time.

So that's when I came to the next point. I was thinking... In such a relationship drama, are you supposed to leave because this situation doesn't do you any good, or are you supposed to apply the principles of subjective reality and I-M so to 'fix' the relationship?

The first option sounds valid to me, but subjective reality tells me that if I would have a relationship problem, it would always be my responsibility. That would mean that leaving is just ignoring the problem, doesn't it?

The second option seems to fit more with the principles. You would change something about yourself that is causing the trouble in the first place. You would intend for the relationship to be how you want it and you would intend for yourself to become a relatively better person.
However, this option is almost out of the question. It doesn't seem very logical nor does it feel humane. If you've basically been in an emotionally heavy relationship for years, you really just don't want to be with this person anymore. If the love isn't there anymore, I don't see how you can possibly make it any better.

I think I'm missing something here. I'm thinking that subjective reality is telling me to tell her that she should stay with her partner and think him into being different by thinking differently, because it is her thinking that's causing all this in the first place.
I think I'm really missing a big piece here, because it doesn't make sense to me at all and it doesn't resonate with me either. Can't subjective reality also tell me to tell her to leave him?

I mean... In this relationship there is no resonance between the partners. Isn't the ultimate goal to find happiness in life? If you just don't resonate with someone, isn't it so that you will go look for someone else? After all, aren't you supposed to be close to yourself?

As you might have noticed, the conversation left me very confused about my own ideas. I did help my mother out a bit, but I feel like I didn't help her as much as I could've helped her.
This post is probably a little confusing and I hope you can make sense out of my thinking. You'll have to excuse me about that. Could someone please help me out though? How does subjective reality and I-M come into this situation?

Thanks in advance...

[marinik]

OK now this is a tough one.
First - you can become the person your partner really needs. Or in other words the best wife you can be for him. If the whole relationship hasn't deteriorated. It worked for me big time. After years of struggling to change him I became the best wife for him and things changed for the good so drastically that I sill can't believe it. It is IM you resonate the best fro you and this is what you get.

Second - on the other hand I ended a relationship that was warm and beautiful and wonderful because of one situation that built up in my head too such magnitude that it started suffocating me. The avalanche of my thoughts around one clumsy sentence was unbelievable! It started obsessing me and no method, trick or skill helped. So I ended it. It felt so much better that I can't even start to explain. A dear friend wrote something to me the day I called it quits.


She wrote:
"Just watched another DVD of Abraham, she talked about relationships and how being loved by someone, especially in a romantic type of relationship, makes us feel so much closer to who we really are and being looked at with love etc aligns us with this highest vibration of source. That's why we want this to continue.... But we can find the same vibration on our own - it's just so much easier when someone gives it to us.

Abraham also said that when relationships end it is usually because the desire for something different has already created this new fantastic relationship for both people involved. We just need to allow it!

I guess being in a state of 'darkness' is not helping you with allowing anything better into your life, neither a better relationship nor your own improved alignment with your higher self (source)."

[Jesann]

Originally Posted by JMononoetoe

Am I really going to say that it's basically her fault that she's in this mess in the first place?
Of course it's her fault, or rather her responsibility. It's just really hard to grasp that it is you who hurts you, even though it's objectively someone else who's shouting at you all the time.

Don't confuse fault and responsibility! Argh! (Wow, am I in a mood this morning....)

This is one of the things about LOA/IM/magick/etc. that needs better wording. In almost every book I've read, the authors have treated "subconsciously" and "secretly" as the same. They make it sound like if you fail at something or have some problem, that deep down inside you're secretly grinning and rubbing your hands together like a cartoon villain. "Ha ha, failed again!"

"Secretly" is a conscious state, just one that we're not willing to admit to ourselves. "Subconsciously" is completely unknown to us, it's so far down that we have no idea it's there. Taking responsibility means acknowledging that something inside us has created this situation somehow. All it really is at its core is acknowledging the connection. Fault implies a conscious or semiconscious cause-and-effect situation.

Even taking out fault, it's a hard concept to accept internally, so you've got to jump on the "responsibility is not fault" bandwagon immediately whenever explaining IM. ("I'm going to say the word 'responsibility,' but this is not the same as 'fault,' so let me finish before you draw conclusions.")

Christine Kane's blog has some good explanations of this (and her blog is where I found out about Steve Pavlina's blog, too):

The 6 Snarkiest Misconceptions about the Law of Attraction: #1 | Christine Kane

Your mother might not be ready to hear about IM anyway, especially if she's in a negative state of mind. There may be openings, later on, when you can start to hint that she can change her world.

And now that I've written that: This is something I've been trying to verbalize (graphicize?) for several months on my blog! I'm gonna reprint it there and link back here....

[JMononoetoe]

Yeah. I'm affraid the relationship has deteriorated quite a bit over the years. I personally think the only thing keeping them together is that they're financially dependant of eachother.

Originally Posted by marinik

OK now this is a tough one.
First - you can become the person your partner really needs. Or in other words the best wife you can be for him. If the whole relationship hasn't deteriorated. It worked for me big time. After years of struggling to change him I became the best wife for him and things changed for the good so drastically that I sill can't believe it. It is IM you resonate the best fro you and this is what you get.

Second - on the other hand I ended a relationship that was warm and beautiful and wonderful because of one situation that built up in my head too such magnitude that it started suffocating me. The avalanche of my thoughts around one clumsy sentence was unbelievable! It started obsessing me and no method, trick or skill helped. So I ended it. It felt so much better that I can't even start to explain. A dear friend wrote something to me the day I called it quits.

You are right, Jesann. Fault indeed is not responsibility. Also, that's a very interesting blog!

My mother actually already knows about IM, but she only knows of it at the level of "The Secret", if I can put it that way.
I know she's probably not ready for a talk about IM, especially when in a negative state of mind. That's why I limited to asking what she actually does want, so as to change her focus.

It's also my own confusion I'm concerned about, because if I'm confused, how can I properly teach her? Know what I mean?

Originally Posted by Jesann

Don't confuse fault and responsibility! Argh! (Wow, am I in a mood this morning....)

...

Your mother might not be ready to hear about IM anyway, especially if she's in a negative state of mind. There may be openings, later on, when you can start to hint that she can change her world.

[wellbeing]

I want to congratulate you, J, first off, on honoring your instincts, which seemed to tell you that this conversation was not the best time to pass on to your mother what you've learned about the LoA and subjective reality. As you've described the situation here, I can imagine that your mother has a lot to process and work through at the moment and such times are not the best, for many people, to learn a new skill. Your instincts may have been telling you that your mother may be at this time one of those people.

Without knowing you or your mother or the relationship you share, if I were in your place, I might decide that passing on the fundamentals of the LoA in this moment but, rather, I would use my knowledge of the LoA to guide me to helping my mother understand what it is she might like to attract to herself from this point forward. I would ask her all sorts of questions about whatever it is, getting as much detail and feeling from her as I could. In a way, I'd almost be guiding her in a visualization of sorts. But be careful here, because if done too obviously or heavy-handedly, your mother might feel manipulated or that you're guiding when she wants to be listened to.

Additionally, knowing from the LoA that she has attracted her circumstances to her, I would explore (without getting into the LoA with her) what beliefs she may have that might help or hinder her attraction efforts.

Later on, since she's already familiar with "The Secret," I might discuss some steps or exercises or other form of Deliberate Creation to help her attract to herself something in alignment to who she is.

Again, assuming I was in your place (HUGE assumption there), I would know that she's in a more receptive place, when her circumstances have shifted a bit, when she may have created/attracted to herself some small sign and when she starts asking me questions along the lines of "I'm not sure I understand you," or "How does this work?" or "That was great, tell me more."

From your post, I sense that your instincts told you not to get into the whole "responsibility" issue and, as you know, many people (especially when they're in difficult situations) have reactions to that concept. Personally, while I embrace the notion of "responsibility," when I speak to a "newbie" about the LoA, I tend to use the terms like "power," "talent," or "skill," which have less judgement attached to them and, in my experience, tend to empower the people to whom I've spoken.

While I completely empathize with your intentions, I often have to remind myself of Abraham's comment about how we're not here to "fix" anyone (including ourselves). Sometimes, maybe our loved ones attract us into their lives simply just to listen.

[Judge]

Originally Posted by JMononoetoe

How does subjective reality and I-M come into this situation?

SR implies an identity shift.

In SR you are not your ego, you are consciousness itself.

All matters of ego are illusionary.

Trying to solve a problem via ego won't work, because you're attempting to solve a problem (change reality) with something that didn't create it. This is why ego(s) get so frustrated.

If you desire to make a change in reality, then don't see it as a problem (a challenge maybe) then observe it without ego and make a reality change (fundamental choice)

Often changing reality is quiet difficult because it's not just using LoA and IM, other more fundamental rules (mostly egoic driven) are at play. So depending on those rules, it could be very easy to change or very hard.

Look at your core beliefs about the reality this situation exists in and see how easy/difficult it will be to change the fundamentals, then you may use IM, LoA to support a different choice.

In the SR model, you are consciousness, not your physical body, not your ego and reality is happening inside that consciousness......everything else is just a projection........including me

Judge