I-M in relationships

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am hopeful that some of you here may be able to help me as I am new to the LoA idea. I really like what I've read so far and just from thinking about the idea itself, I already feel more positive in general.

My specific question has to do with relationships, particularly with SOs. I would like to know how to word an intention to bring about positive change in a relationship that has suffered from a lot of negativity and mistrust. I have been in a foul, depressed mood lately (a downward spiral really), but after reading about I-M I have tried to take negative thoughts and replace them with positive assertions for our relationship. I just started today, and already I feel more optimistic, but I would like to know how to proceed. My SO is also very depressed right now, and is not the type to try things like this. Can I do it alone? Can I help him feel better about himself? Any help would be appreciated!

Thanks all.
Jen

[daveangeles]

Yeah, it's really empowering when you first come across this stuff.

If you stick with it you'll notice he'll seem in a better mood, or at least more tolerable, without him doing anything at all. It's as if your new understanding, your higher level of energy, is 'picked up' by him on some level.

Also, find a way to get him to do some rigorous exercise. Say you're going to the gym and literally drag him along.

I personally find it physiologically impossible to be in a depressed mood after I've done 30 minutes of intense exercise. The activity, combined with the chemical rush you get, just totally blows depression out of the water.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Looking on the bright side is always good. If you give positive responses, look for a more positive mood in your SO, and lovingly expect him to respond in a positive way, you are actually helping him do this himself.

You know, you spark off each other all the time. If in your downward spiral, you've been giving him negative responses, it's probably been depressing him even more. Once you start to pick up, you'll be feeding more positive energy back into him and he'll find it easier to have a positive response. It's OK, you can do it, and it'll feed into him anyway.

The best thing I can suggest is to be positive always. Every sentence can be put in a positive and uplifting way. Find new ways to say things so that it's positive. This is a fascinating mind exercise for you. And love always, whatever the circumstances.

LoA? I'm just talking about positivity! This is just straightforward stuff. Strangely similar to LoA... but just common everyday stuff here, no gurus involved!

Joy to you
Hazel

[dalante]

i am sorry but what is an SO?

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Significant Other :-)

[dalante]

AHHHH... (sound of sudden enlightment) I see.

Ok, this is quite a challenging post. I find that the real exercise of IM is to clearly and honestly state what you want.

My feeling is that if you say: "I want a better relationship", it's too vague. Why are you frustrated with your relationship at the moment?

Is it because you're not talking to each other?
then you can say "I intend to have an open communication with my SO"
or "a fun communication with my SO" or whatever you like.

Is it because there is some cheating going on?
then you can say "I intend my partner to have eyes only for me"

There is an infinite possibility of intentions. You just need to be really specific and think about what would make you happy. And if you think you really don't know what a heck is the problem, you can say "I intend to have an understanding of my relationship situation"

I do not think you can control his reaction or behaviors. In the end, it is up to him to want to be happy with you. However, you can intend to find the strength to convince him to do this or that, and see what happens.

Good luck!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. I think the majority of our problem springs from a cycle we are in. He is unemployed at the moment (I am the sole breadwinner). This makes him understanably depressed (he is more "old fashioned" – wanting to take care of me). His way of dealing with stress and depression is to shut it out, basically try to ignore it or mask it with alcohol or marijuana. He had given up smoking for a while trying to join the Army, but that fell through and caused him to be even more down and revert to his old ways. I am more of a communicator. When he withdraws, spends the majority of time with friends drinking or just hanging out, flips on the tv as soon as he gets home...I feel so left out and helpless...all I want to do is make things better for him. On top of that, I have the stress of my full time job and all the household responsibilities. My solution would be to talk about it, try to figure out ways to make it better, but he just gets frustrated with me when I try this and withdraws more. Then I begin to wonder whether he even loves me at all (even though he always tells me he loves me). I begin to question whether he is really just hanging out with the guys when he goes out. It partly has to do with my own insecurity and partly to do with our radically different communication and coping styles. I hope that by being a positive force in his life, I can help us overcome this cycle. Of course I don't want him to stay with me if it's not what he wants, but if he truly loves me, I want to improve the quality of our life together. And if he does not love me or want to be with me, I want him to have the best possible life wherever that leads him.

Just a note, yesterday, after I spent most of the day thinking positive thoughts about us, he called me and said he and his friend were going to work on the yard at our house (his domain, but something that's been neglected). Then they brought the washing machine in and hooked it up (I've been waiting for that one for a while). His friend slept over so they could get up this morning and go look for jobs. Last night he came to bed at a reasonable hour and didn't turn on the tv! That's almost like a miracle to me. He even opened up a little...just kind of talking about the plans they had for job hunting and how he's been feeling. All yesterday evening, I made a point to just go about the evening...helping make dinner (he's a great cook), getting through the dishes, making myself scarce so he and his friend could watch some tv...without making any negative comments or nagging in any way. It all paid off. Whenever a negative thought tried to creep in, I just told it to go away and tried to replace it with a positive one.

I know this is a really long post. Thanks to anyone who got through it. I would love to hear any more advice anyone has. Thanks again!

Jen