Purging a particularly painful emotion

[Wax Frog]

I've just begun reading "Ask And It Is Given", and I suspect it triggered the following. I did my usual meditation tonight, but for whatever reason I felt an old pain emerge, one I was aware of but hadn't faced head-on in a long time. It got so bad that I could not concentrate. Offering it up to the "Universe" made it even more intense, but also brought the following urgent thought to me - "Post this on the IM board". I kept thinking of the thread inviting the posting of intentions to hasten their manifestation, and how perhaps purging myself via a post might offer the same benefit. There is no doubt whatsoever that this is a "blockage" that has to go. It also concerns any and all who read this, as will become evident. More psychic dirty laundry...

When I was a kid, I had experiences that made it seem the world, and humanity, didn't have my best interests in mind, bullying and such mostly. But I now believe that the last, and most intense, of my adolescent crushes is what really set this negative belief in stone. I say this because it is the first clear instance I can think of where I felt compelled to adopt a certain poisonous "formula" for my dealings with the world.

I was extremely shy and introverted, and rather "geeky" then. Yet somehow when I got sweet on this particular girl, I actually worked up the nerve to tell her I liked her alot. To my amazement, she responded quite positively. That a "babe" would give me the time of day at all was like a miracle. The next few weeks I was floating on a cloud, but of course being the "geek" I never did work up the nerve to really connect with her. Yes, by another miracle I had the nerve to ask for her phone number, but was too afraid to call. As fate would have it, a short while later she transferred to another school, and I (in typical fashion) just sort of let my interest in her fade into the background.

Some time after graduation, having not given up on seeing her again, I stopped by my school and asked one of the staff if she knew what was up with my old classmates. I specifically asked about this girl first, and was DEVASTATED to learn that she was getting married. I dragged myself back home, and spend the rest of the afternoon sobbing and doing the "why me, God?" routine.
To make matters worse, to my naive young mind she also symbolized "normalcy", so being deprived of her felt like being told I would never be "normal" either - an obsession of mine at the time.

Looking back, I can see this was, if not the genesis, then at least the main driving force behind a reaction I would have many times after, in many areas of my life. This became a mantra of mine - "If I can't have X, I don't want ANYTHING!" I would seethe with bitterness, blaming the world for making me think I could have joy only to pull an endless series of cruel humored bait-and-switch "pranks" instead. I would "hit back" with my stoic, martyr-like refusal to accept any "option Bs". Humanity and the Universe became my bitterest foes, being my ever-reliable source of "second-rate blessings". Certainly there were other members of the opposite sex who showed interest in me afterward, but aside from my shyness problem, they also inevitably, and unfairly, got foisted into that "poor substitute for the Goddess" box. They, and I, never had a chance

I guess my question is this. How can I purge myself of this deep-rooted idea that, because I can never have that girl, I can never be happy? How can I make peace with All That Is, and understand that the end of this person's role in my life didn't and doesn't equal the end of everything? I just can't seem to separate the two. I have never liked endings, so, as I have yet to experience the loss of a loved one, this to date is the bitterest ending in my life. I keep telling myself that, if we're truly all one, then I can never lose her anyway, not in the way that ultimately matters, but still, the thought of never seeing her again in *this world* is frightening and depressing, even to this day.

Thank you for indulging my venting, and for the opportunity to offer, for the first time in my life, a public "olive branch" to those I've (in principle) stood against for so long. I'll never be free if I'm not free of all the above...

[cylon]

To be full you must be emptied first. Expect for more things to come to the surface. It's resistance to abundance. It has to go and sometimes it needs to see light of day, so you can see it, acknowledge it, then let it go.

If you carry your pain with you all the time, then you're just blocked. This is very common for people who are learning to meditate and focus on feeling good, I went through it, I'm still going through it, but it gets easier.

When I first read AAIIG and was well on my way, I felt amazing peace. I remember one Sunday just reading the book and feeling fantastic. That night I woke up in the middle of a huge rage, I was yelling, punching my bed, it was unbelievable.

And hey, for what it's worth, I posted a thread about it when it happened.

LOA aftermath

[Wax Frog]

Thanks for the link.

My old counselor would get a kick out of this,: good old resistant-to-therapy "Waxy" suddenly, and with considerable shock, realizing he's immersed himself in that very process, all because he could only see the sexy "metaphysical" veneer. Ah, the irony!

And doing it publicly (albeit under an assumed name) no less!!!

[cylon]

We're all seeking the same destination, the path we take doesn't matter. We just know where we want to end up and if we're serious about it, the way shows itself.

[torilink]

In reading your post I must ask if this really has anything at all to do with this other person? I don't think it does really. It is about the beliefs you hold about yourself that block you.

This non relationship which you desired to become a relationship is symbolic for you of something deeper, some inner beliefs... and that should be explored.

The first thing to do then I guess is to acknowledge it really has nothing to do with her specifically. Then you can refocus within where the answers lie. Remember the experience with this person were the effect of your beliefs & thoughts not the cause of them.

I cannot tell you what those beliefs are, only you will know that.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by impaul99

or a Phoenix burning down into ashes only to rise again..

Did I mention that program I was in uses the Phoenix as it's symbol?

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

I cannot tell you what those beliefs are, only you will know that.

I'm not totally clueless in the PD arena ; I do understand completely that I was not infatuated with her, but rather with the idea of her, what she meant to me. I saw joy/happiness as something not only external, but even more something that only happened to "normal" people, the privileged non-outcasts. In my eyes she was a concentration of that particular sort of goodness...

It does bother me that I got the idea she possessed something unique that 1) I absolutely had to have, couldn't bear to live without and 2) is now gone from my sphere forever.

There's another angle here. I was happier in the past, and the year of my big crush, 1981, seemed the apex. It's been all downhill from there until now*, so this girl has come to symbolize a vanished Golden Age (from 1977's 'Star Wars' up to 1986, the year I took a soul-sapping job I was too stubborn and unwise to leave soon enough) as well.

*a friend tells me to use the phrase 'until now' as a hedge against holding negative beliefs in the present tense.

[torilink]

so, correct me if I'm wrong - what I'm hearing you say is that you don't feel "good enough" and you desire to obtain (with this other person) what you don't see/find inside yourself?

or that this other person had that thing you were lacking and you must obtain it by having her?

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

so, correct me if I'm wrong - what I'm hearing you say is that you don't feel "good enough" and you desire to obtain (with this other person) what you don't see/find inside yourself?

or that this other person had that thing you were lacking and you must obtain it by having her?

Moreso the first variant, but there has always been a 'magical' element to my thinking, especially in the past, so both would apply.

Perhaps the saddest irony of all is that I know perfectly well this girl was no Goddess, and had her own baggage. I was a dreamer though, so it was only too easy for me to sprinkle her with Magic Dreamgirl Dust, which still clings to my fading memories of her.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

There's another angle here. I was happier in the past, and the year of my big crush, 1981, seemed the apex. It's been all downhill from there until now*, so this girl has come to symbolize a vanished Golden Age (1977-1985) as well.

*a friend tells me to use the phrase 'until now' as a hedge against holding negative beliefs in the present tense.

you do know that the past isn't happening now and it has no effect - unless you allow it to???

I know you know that.

release is a lot about accepting the truth of this statement ^above, you know it, you know that you know it because you've learned it, but actually holding it as a true belief and letting go is a tougher thing to do.

* I like to use, "I remember when".... "I remember when life was difficult, but now it flows" "I remember when I had no money, now I have more than I can ever spend".

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Moreso the first variant, but there has always been a 'magical' element to my thinking, especially in the past, so both would apply.

Perhaps the saddest irony of all is that I know perfectly well this girl was no Goddess, and had her own baggage. I was a dreamer though, so it was only too easy for me to sprinkle her with Magic Dreamgirl Dust, which still clings to my fading memories of her.

so why don't you feel good enough? you say you were a geek, well so is Bill Gates & Steve Jobs, good company me thinks. The most successful people in the world are probably a bit geekish.

shy and introverted, a lot of people are - I believe its the most self critical people who are shy and introverted. Yep, I was a part of this club while growing up.

do you have a tremendously critical inner voice?

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

you do know that the past isn't happening now and it has no effect - unless you allow it to???

Yeah, but I have a sick* part of me that wants to hold onto certain parts of the past, and that sick part always asks why, in a Universe where I can have/do/be anything, why can't I have her? And not just her mind you, but back as she was then? When I'm given an answer, whether foolish or wise beyond measure or somewhere in between, that part of me invariably rejects the "cold hard truth", taking it as a harsh "NO!", and goes crawling back into a dark hole to dream even darker thoughts of oblivion.

*my ego doesn't want to consider it sick, but I must trust the advice of those in a 'clearer' place.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

do you have a tremendously critical inner voice?

Oh, boy don't I? The "inner skeptic" who wants to wrestle with the idea of IM/LoA is a subset of it. Only in the past two years or so have I begun to diligently practice quieting my mind, giving me a great deal of peace (but not yet complete) from these voices.

I have lots of thing about my messed up life I can talk about, but to put it in a nutshell, I've invented myself as one those middle-aged-loner-in-his-parent's-basement-who-works-temp-jobs types that are a favorite target of late-night hosts... There, it's out now. Hate to think about it, let alone talk about it, but if I'm going to purge I have to PURGE!

I want to invent myself out of that mode. I don't want to become a gregarious public-immersed entrepreneur, mind you, but I definitely want to slide away from the end of the spectrum I'm currently riding on...

(I dont' suppose there are any MALIHPBWWTJ-Anon groups out there? )

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Yeah, but I have a sick* part of me that wants to hold onto certain parts of the past, and that sick part always asks why, in a Universe where I can have/do/be anything, why can't I have her? And not just her mind you, but back as she was then? When I'm given an answer, whether foolish or wise beyond measure or somewhere in between, that part of me invariably rejects the "cold hard truth", taking it as a harsh "NO!", and goes crawling back into a dark hole to dream even darker thoughts of oblivion.

*my ego doesn't want to consider it sick, but I must trust the advice of those in a 'clearer' place.

I don't know if it is "Sick" I wouldn't call it that. Its a bit obsessive, but we all have things in our pasts we've obsessed about.

Did you know at that time you could be/do/have anything you desired? well, if you didn't know you didn't know. Now you do know so what can you do NOW to have that something being with her symbolized for you?

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Oh, boy don't I? The "inner skeptic" who wants to wrestle with the idea of IM/LoA is a subset of it. Only in the past two years or so have I begun to diligently practice quieting my mind, giving me a great deal of peace (but not yet complete) from these voices.

I have lots of thing about my messed up life I can talk about, but to put it in a nutshell, I've invented myself as one those middle-aged-loner-in-his-parent's-basement-who-works-temp-jobs types that are a favorite target of late-night hosts... There, it's out now. Hate to think about it, let alone talk about it, but if I'm going to purge I have to PURGE!

I want to invent myself out of that mode. I don't want to become a gregarious public-immersed entrepreneur, mind you, but I definitely want to slide away from the end of the spectrum I'm currently riding on...

(I dont' suppose there are any MALIHPBWWTJ-Anon groups out there? )

well, it sounds like your ego is fighting with your new found inner peace doesn't it. It's gonna dredge up all the junk it can to get you back to being unconscious so it can regain its throne.

Inventing yourself as you desire to be right now is your answer. All the other crap the voice in your head is bringing up isn't real - that was a false self that was unconsciously created - now you can consciously create the person you desire to be. Once we find a way for you to let go of this shadow self you're hanging onto.

hmm let me think a bit...

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

Now you do know so what can you do NOW to have that something being with her symbolized for you?

I draw a blank when I get to that. I'm beginning to suspect it's related to an idea that has lingered with me for years, coming from my place of belief that there is more to existence than the material - "I need to find my center". I see now that a better way of putting it is, "I need to remember Who I Am". I have a sense that if I can 'solve' myself, the mystery of my attachment to this girl will be settled too.

I must say I'm elated that remembering oneself is a core element of "Ask And It Is Given" (it's off-topic, but AAIIG so far also reminds me of a between-life account I'd read, where the spirits attending the soon-to-be-born author notified him/her that those of us who elect to come here are admired and esteemed for our special courage).

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

I draw a blank when I get to that. I'm beginning to suspect it's related to an idea that has lingered with me for years, coming from my place of belief that there is more to existence than the material - "I need to find my center". I see now that a better way of putting it is, "I need to remember Who I Am". I have a sense that if I can 'solve' myself, the mystery of my attachment to this girl will be settled too.

I must say I'm elated that remembering oneself is a core element of "Ask And It Is Given" (it's off-topic, but AAIIG so far also reminds me of a between-life account I'd read, where the spirits attending the soon-to-be-born author notified him/her that those of us who elect to come here are admired and esteemed for our special courage).

When you remember who you truly are, you will not feel less than anyone or lacking in any way.

AAIIG is A+ reading.

what is the support group? I'm not getting it, duh to me.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

Once we find a way for you to let go of this shadow self you're hanging onto.

The biggest dragon I need to slay is the one that says, "Hey, you're in your 40s, your job history sucks, you have no up-to-date post-HS education - you're doomed to mediocrity!" I have been successfully blocking it out for the most part, and I know there are many putting the lie to that notion (I once bought a book by Steve Chandler called "17 Lies That Are Holding You Back..." which dealt with attitudes of this sort, and it was and is a tremendous mood lifter), but it's long past time to shut that baby down for good!

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

what is the support group? I'm not getting it, duh to me.

It was a play on my post about being a "basement-dweller":

Middle-Aged-Loner-In-His-Parent's-Basement-Who-Works-Temp-Jobs-Anon

making light of my imagined Insoluble Life Problem is a way to de-fang it. I have relied heavily on humor as a coping mechanism... It really makes me almost queasy to talk about this, because I know "my kind" are the butt of cruel jokes, but that's the life I find myself in, and unless I trust others not to think less of me for this, I will never truly be able to face it and get it fixed.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Oh, boy don't I? The "inner skeptic" who wants to wrestle with the idea of IM/LoA is a subset of it. Only in the past two years or so have I begun to diligently practice quieting my mind, giving me a great deal of peace (but not yet complete) from these voices.

I have lots of thing about my messed up life I can talk about, but to put it in a nutshell, I've invented myself as one those middle-aged-loner-in-his-parent's-basement-who-works-temp-jobs types that are a favorite target of late-night hosts... There, it's out now. Hate to think about it, let alone talk about it, but if I'm going to purge I have to PURGE!

I want to invent myself out of that mode. I don't want to become a gregarious public-immersed entrepreneur, mind you, but I definitely want to slide away from the end of the spectrum I'm currently riding on...

(I dont' suppose there are any MALIHPBWWTJ-Anon groups out there? )

You know we all have things about ourselves which we find personally embarrassing or that makes us feel "Wrong" or "Less than" its just part of having an ego nagging our asses - but there is a way of letting what is be, not saying we love how it is or where we are, but simply acknowledging that it is how it is and no amount of resistance will change where I am in this moment.

the only way to shift reality and move onto changing things is acceptance & surrender to what is.

It sounds like you are resisting very much things about your life, and you know the prayer, God grant me the serenity to accept the things.... - its a good mantra to say daily or several times daily as needed when we feel that inner resistance to what is.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

It sounds like you are resisting very much things about your life...

As Cylon said in the thread he linked me to, I wouldn't be here if I had it all together

I just remembered wondering back when at the fact that so many of my schoolmates got into studying psychology. It was pointed out to me that those of us who are the most "messed up" tend to be the ones most drawn to self-help/PD/etc.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

As Cylon said in the thread he linked me to, I wouldn't be here if I had it all together

I just remembered wondering back when at the fact that so many of my schoolmates got into studying psychology. It was pointed out to me that those of us who are the most "messed up" tend to be the ones most drawn to self-help/PD/etc.

ok, speak for yourself - lol

my point being that there is beauty in being messed up - we find that when we are willing to say, ok I'm not at a good place - I'm not enjoying how things are, and that is ok - allow those feelings experience them so you can move on to changing it.

[Wax Frog]

Reassurance: the fact that my 'quiet mind' has a different, more intense flavor to it this past week or so, combined with the emergence of the first intense painful emotion I've let myself feel in a long time, tells me I'm making some sort of progress.

I think I may be also doing something similar to the "Presence Process", another book I'd read in the IM vein. The author warned of something like this happening, but I'd forgotten until now.

Originally Posted by torilink

ok, speak for yourself - lol

my point being that there is beauty in being messed up - we find that when we are willing to say, ok I'm not at a good place - I'm not enjoying how things are, and that is ok - allow those feelings experience them so you can move on to changing it.

"Hey! I resemble that remark!"

I sometimes forget how severely I'd repressed my emotions by the time I got put in that program. I can't remember what it was like to express myself back then, but clearly it must have been mechanical and cold, because I still remember one staff member, with great conviction, always reminding me - "Don't think - FEEL!!!"

[Wax Frog]

The Uni has a funny sense of humor.

The object of my dreams was named Robyn, and I recall she was of Swedish descent.

Just now I see a new member has posted, not even 15 minutes ago.

Robin, from Sweden.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Reassurance: the fact that my 'quiet mind' has a different, more intense flavor to it this past week or so, combined with the emergence of the first intense painful emotion I've let myself feel in a long time, tells me I'm making some sort of progress.

I think I may be also doing something similar to the "Presence Process", another book I'd read in the IM vein. The author warned of something like this happening, but I'd forgotten until now.



"Hey! I resemble that remark!"

I sometimes forget how severely I'd repressed my emotions by the time I got put in that program. I can't remember what it was like to express myself back then, but clearly it must have been mechanical and cold, because I still remember one staff member, with great conviction, always reminding me - "Don't think - FEEL!!!"

often the mind likes to look backward and find fault to avoid accepting what is now - I'm sure you know this, Tolle talks about it extensively and Abraham Hicks talks about it in terms of resistance and going with the flow.

Your still hanging onto a past that doesn't exist and there is only ever one reason for that, to avoid what is.

Personally I think there are a lot worse places to be living and hanging out than in your parents basement. Be grateful for what you do have - parents who are alive and share their home with you. A warm bed, food, love, work, a computer, these forums, me...

do the rampage of appreciation, seek out the reaffirming, focus on what you desire NOW - not what you desired in the past - that is gone, its a shadow of something that isn't even real.

visualize the perfect life NOW - if you could live anywhere have any life you wanted, if you could reinvent yourself - where would you be, what would you be doing, who would you be with.

all things to spend time considering or writing down in a journal.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

The Uni has a funny sense of humor.

The object of my dreams was named Robyn, and I recall she was of Swedish descent.

Just now I see a new member has posted, not even 15 minutes ago.

Robin, from Sweden.

haha, that was fast synchronicity.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

Your still hanging onto a past that doesn't exist and there is only ever one reason for that, to avoid what is.

I have often said that I have wasted too much time living in either the unchangeable past or the imaginary future...

Personally I think there are a lot worse places to be living and hanging out than in your parents basement. Be grateful for what you do have - parents who are alive and share their home with you. A warm bed, food, love, work, a computer, these forums, me...

On those past occasions when I'd lament my lot, Mom would give me the "Just be glad you don't have to support a wife and kids" speech, or a variant thereof Still, they're both up in years, and Dad is visibly suffering from his alcoholism to boot. I can't "cocoon" forever, at least not in this specific way. I just don't feel capable of caring for myself, let alone "going out into the world" and carving out a spot for myself. I suppose these are just more lies to myself, but I am so frigging terrified of the world and people and all that jazz.

all things to spend time considering or writing down in a journal.

I do have a mental picture of where I'd like to be (or at least where I currently think I would), but it could be more concrete. I can see where writing it down would be a help.

[Wax Frog]

I just took a peek at your blog. The bit about change feeling like dying caught my eye. That sums up a big part of what I've been trying to convey tonight, the bit about hating endings. They always seem so absolute and dreadful. I often tell myself that old things must pass to make room for the new, but that seems a poor consolation (maybe it's my SC telling me the new things will always be inferior to the old?).

Just today I printed up copies of a poem my niece had written for her graduation. The subject? Departing students seen as .... butterflies. Not kidding.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

On those past occasions when I'd lament my lot, Mom would give me the "Just be glad you don't have to support a wife and kids" speech, or a variant thereof Still, they're both up in years, and Dad is visibly suffering from his alcoholism to boot. I can't "cocoon" forever, at least not in this specific way. I just don't feel capable of caring for myself, let alone "going out into the world" and carving out a spot for myself. I suppose these are just more lies to myself, but I am so frigging terrified of the world and people and all that jazz.

there is no right or wrong in your situation. If your desire is to go out and carve a spot for yourself that is great, if it is something you feel you should do, then maybe not so much.

Many times we judge ourselves based upon what we perceive to be normal in the outside world. I wouldn't put much merit in what others do or say, it's all about how you feel inside regardless of where you live.

fear is resistance all dressed up in a scary costume. fear is an effect of an inner resistance. explore what exactly you are afraid of.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

I just took a peek at your blog. The bit about change feeling like dying caught my eye. That sums up a big part of what I've been trying to convey tonight, the bit about hating endings. They always seem so absolute and dreadful. I often tell myself that old things must pass to make room for the new, but that seems a poor consolation (maybe it's my SC telling me the new things will always be inferior to the old?).

Just today I printed up copies of a poem my niece had written for her graduation. The subject? Departing students seen as .... butterflies. Not kidding.

I love that quote - "How does one become a butterfly” she asked pensively
“You must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

when we desire change enough that we are willing to give up the past, metamorphosis happens and reality shifts.