Purging a particularly painful emotion

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

In my case, I'd turned pessimist into a high art form...

Anyway, here I am again, because television has become even more boring that I could have ever imagined (or is my wisdom increasing?)....

The good thing about having been in a "non-allowing" state is that it made it possible for me to spend lots of time here

Plus another benefit of experiencing non-allowing is that now you can truly know allowing.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

Plus another benefit of experiencing non-allowing is that now you can truly know allowing.

We're going to find out, Link-o-rama, undoubtedly. I have made a multiple-core computer (preferably 8, but I'll settle for less if it will get past my "block") my latest intention, and I have spent the whole day only thinking of it in terms of my already having it, and how much fun it is!

I must confess, I am enjoying just feeling good, muting the 'inner skeptic' who wants to howl "based on what?!?!?"

[wolfgang]

What's the difference between purging and telling a story of agony that causes one's vibe to attract the same old agony? Or what makes for effective purging? Is it just to not focus on it? Then what's the difference between not focusing on it and suppressing? Shouldn't feelings run there coarse? And what's the difference between asking in the LoA way and day dreaming for "things"?

Part me says sometimes you have to just live with it, whatever it is (that old story that makes agony) and just go do something different. Test the assumption that the world is scary by going out someplace and talk to a stranger. Sit in starbucks and say hi to someone. Or take a class that requires interactions with others. Find a book club that reads those books you are into - or make one. That one can't wait until it's all fixed and better to go do things that puts one on a path of change for the better.

Claiming parts of yourself to feel whole usually requires doing something different. Carrying agony from the past - what's that? Most say it's not in the now, so forget about it(?). If you carrying and have a reaction to the memory, it is in the now by that reaction. I wonder if there could be a way to see the reaction to memories as a denial of self.

That girl now gone and that emptiness that causes agony is a clue of looking for wholeness as coming from someone else. That's what causes the reaction, thinking less of yourself because of the current situation. maybe. I'm no expert at feeling whole. I have holes in my life as well that come and go. Maybe that's part of the human condition, and we learn to live with some level of that - missing things, noticing attachments. I'm just wondering here, maybe not solving anything for you.

I can remember a thread that talked about this idea. That heartache is only a reaction to not feeling whole. I thought that was a cruel idea and got my buttons pushed posting back things like - try to say that to someone that just broke up. I suppose you know all these ideas. you are smart and funny and cleaver and colourful with words.

So then how to really implement becoming whole? Can one feel whole no matter what story they have? What is the process or method to get there? Is it imagining new things that are neat to have? Or doing $$ IMing? Maybe it could be. I suppose if it's done with fun it comes, otherwise it's "have to have or I'll die" kind of thing.

I remember as a little kid wanting a train set for xmas so badly. I was so fired up about it. I got it on xmas day and then I was so down. I was surprised that I felt that way. It was more fun to think about having it - or it wasn't to have it that was making me happy it was thinking I would be (which was something I was doing). Then having it was like, hey this thing isn't going to make me happy. Once I saw it as giving the object power to make me happy, that it was really up to me to be happy or not, I was able to play with it. something like that...

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

I'm just wondering here, maybe not solving anything for you.

Wonder to your heart's content - it's been some time since I cured myself of the idea that somebody else would have The Answers for me. If my core solution doesn't lie within, then it doesn't exist at all, as far as I'm concerned. I'm mainly here to gain encouragement in my efforts and to find IM/LoA info/personal anecdotes..

Maybe it could be. I suppose if it's done with fun it comes, otherwise it's "have to have or I'll die" kind of thing.

My choice of a major computer upgrade was made partly because I know that receiving it, in and of itself, would not be life changing. Thus I can approach it as a fun experiment with no pressure.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Wonder to your heart's content - it's been some time since I cured myself of the idea that somebody else would have The Answers for me. If my core solution doesn't lie within, then it doesn't exist at all, as far as I'm concerned. I'm mainly here to gain encouragement in my efforts and to find IM/LoA info/personal anecdotes..

understood. Thanks for reminding me that it's up to ourselves to heal. no one can do that for us. good point.

My choice of a major computer upgrade was made partly because I know that receiving it, in and of itself, would not be life changing. Thus I can approach it as a fun experiment with no pressure.

that does seem to fit. having fun with IM is how it works (they say).

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

that does seem to fit. having fun with IM is how it works (they say).

If more skeptics/doubters/fence-sitters had your attitude I might actually get to like them

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

(The Waxter agrees with "gotta love Torilink", but what is a Torilink anyway? How does one link a Tori? )

Mystery solved!!!:

[uberinquisitive]

I'm a huge proponent of LoA and have had a lot of success with it...

HOWEVER

What sort of actions are you taking?

You've clearly listed that you're down on yourself because you're middle aged, live with your parents, have a horrid resume, and no romantic prospects.

Obviously, you have some sort of social anxiety and low self-esteem. Are you in therapy? Have you tried EFT, or TAT, or NLP or BSFF?

Besides AAIIG, what other self-help are you looking into?

What about taking some online college courses?

If I want to be a published writer (which I do) - just talking about my fear of success or failure is not nearly as effective as downloading a hypnosis mp3 to overcome those limiting thoughts.

So, what are you DOING to improve your life?

[cylon]

Any more info on those hypnosis mp3s? Like, how long are they, how often do you listen, who the authors are etc? Have you tried some of them?

edit--wax here's something I would try. While you are learning about LOA, AIIG, work some more on your digital art. Take some tutorials, this will focus your mind on a task you care about, letting all the subconscious changes you're going through time to take root, basically, stop thinking. Study PD but inbetween that get lost in a task.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I'm a huge proponent of LoA and have had a lot of success with it...

HOWEVER

What sort of actions are you taking?

Not to detract from your main thrust, but are you one of those who consider action a necessary part of all 'manifestation'? Nothing wrong with that, but IM is a rather empty concept for me if that's the only way it can work. I mean this only as a philosophical statement. I would still feel obligated to myself to somehow, someway turn myself into a "go getter", but my sense of intimidation would go WAY down if I could just convince myself that "magical" LoA also works. I would feel so confident if I could see personal 'proof' that there is Something Greater Than Me to assure me that I don't have to be afraid to LIVE, that this isn't just some sexy conceptual model for a remarkable but still very "materialist" and "all up to me" life-change tool.

I can remember even back in "the program", where I'd go on about how I wished there was some sort of "handrail", because I was convinced that going out into the Big Bad World would *inevitably* result in my getting seriously injured or killed or in some kind of legal trouble or out on the street with a "need money" sign or goodness knows what else. It's like the whole business with the canoeing trip, where I was totally convinced that I would drown if I let go of the rock and joined the others in the rapids...

Obviously, you have some sort of social anxiety and low self-esteem. Are you in therapy? Have you tried EFT, or TAT, or NLP or BSFF?

I don't recognize those abbreviations, but unless they're very recent I probably know some; I spent every year from about 1973 to 1991 in some form of formal psychotherapy, and even after that gave Al-Alon a try (Dad's a drinker).

What about taking some online college courses?

Mom pushes me on and off to do something along this avenue, and the folks have even offered to help pay for it, but I feel frozen, not quite sure what the "right move" is. I tentatively looked into some schools, then got sick (subconsciously-created 'excuse'?) and put the process on the back burner. I guess the above worry also ties into this. I think that maybe it will be like last time, when I went to a computer school and did well but never ended up actually becoming a computer operator, thus rendering all that money wasted. A relatively mild "disaster", but still in line with my life-is-guaranteed-to-stick-it-to-me belief.

Another thing. I am sick to death of clerical/DE work, but am uncertain how to break the cycle. I would like to take a stab at something else, but 1) is there something I'd enjoy that I'm currently qualified or nearly-qualified for, and 2) can I get it without my 'erratic' work history being an impediment?

One of my first posts stated that I'd crafted a 'masterpiece of inertia' from my life. I admit it freely. My being here is my way of saying I've finally had my fill...

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by cylon

Study PD but inbetween that get lost in a task.

Right. I was feeling really good reading those Hicks books for a week, but now it's in danger of feeling like a chore, so I told myself to just back off, not force things.

[Wax Frog]

I'm not completely clear on what it's rooted in, but Uber's post brought back an emotion I'd not felt since I was in "the program".

The staff would periodically get on me for not getting off my duff and doing things related to growing myself, and I'd get resentful, feel as if they didn't really "get me" or what I was going through or just how profoundly incapable I felt of acting on my own behalf or being able to take care of myself. I'd dig in my heels, decide they were my "enemy", and just resist them at every step with my stoicism. It's almost like I needed to get "revenge" on them for stubbornly refusing to listen/understand where I was coming from.

They did "break" me once or twice, knowing my weak points. I was compelled to get my first job under threat of suspension, a notion a "goody two shoes" like me found horrifying beyond description, almost like being charged with a crime!

[Wax Frog]

Much of the foregoing is what I've been, perhaps weakly, trying to sum up as variants of the familiar "How do you get a job/experience without experience/a job?" problem.

I've spent most of my life building a "shell" around myself (even in my imagination, which is not good if "Magical IM" has been in play - one of the biggest chills I ever got was when a web acquaintance who knew nothing of them described the elaborate 'shields' I'd made for myself as a bullied kid, in eerily accurate detail.). If possible, when I start chipping it in earnest, I want to make darned sure I do it in a spot where I won't make the whole works collapse and crush me (did I mention I LOVE metaphor?)...

One more thing (boy do I get wordy when a button's pushed ) - as sick as I am of it, I can and will do another round of temping as necessary to "hold me over", but the cycle really must break, and I need to find some way to convince myself that I do in fact have a worthwhile existence in front of me, one that will amount to more than "[Waxy], could you key this in for me real quick? [Waxy], I need these filed away."

---

I'm a fountain of emotional junk today! More stuff:

There's a part of me that always wished for, or felt there should be, some kind of 'script' to follow, at least initially, so that I would be able to get myself rolling on my True Path without having to worry about any defeating missteps along the way. Something to "boot up" the Waxy hard drive so as to get that nice new operating system going...

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

If possible, when I start chipping it in earnest, I want to make darned sure I do it in a spot where I won't make the whole works collapse and crush me (did I mention I LOVE metaphor?)...

There is never a perfect time, there is never perfection. You're waiting for things to be perfect before you act, and this is because you're afraid of breaking through those walls. You know there is no such thing as perfection, so as long as you wait for perfection you'll never have to do anything. It's a trap that you created to protect yourself from being hurt. I know because this is how I have lived my life. By sabatoging myself in similar ways.

If you can't learn to love and accept yourself.... then your life will never change.

Think of all the stuff you've already mentioned about the past. That's where you're living, the past. Remember the stuff torilink said... that you're creating it right now, in this present moment.

this present moment is all there is. Not all the stuff you've just remembered. When you let go of the past it makes it easier to accept the present moment, and a result of that is accepting yourself more.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Mystery solved!!!:

Oh, you have - have you? Of course, I never considered myself much of a mystery anyhow.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

Oh, you have - have you? Of course, I never considered myself much of a mystery anyhow.

Every time I try to post the picture the hotlink "dies"... Grr... I'll just post a regular link.

Picasa Web Albums - Wax Frog - Waxy Wackiness

Anyway, nice to see you! Hope you're enjoying all the subconscious gunk I've served up on the menu today!

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Every time I try to post the picture the hotlink "dies"... Grr...

oh, lol - cute waxy. I thought you found a pic of me, I like this better.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

a pic of me?

Tsk-tsk, straying off topic

It's a pic graphically representing the concept of linked "Tori" You're welcome to use it (or a custom variant) as a logo

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Tsk-tsk, straying off topic

It's a pic graphically representing the concept of linked "Tori" You're welcome to use it (or a custom variant) as a logo

thanks I may just do that.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

thanks I may just do that.

Gets a little more of my artwork out into the "Universe" anyway...

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Gets a little more of my artwork out into the "Universe" anyway...

I was going to ask you about that. Now get more out.

You need to focus on something bigger than your own thoughts. Make more art.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by cylon

You need to focus on something bigger than your own thoughts. Make more art.

There's a topic with some traction. I've tended of late to lapse into easily assembled "humorous" images, with the subsconscious idea "I'm never going to sell any of this stuff anyway, so I may as well spent my last fun days* making myself and my buddies laugh". I see two choices:

1) How do I broaden my humor so as to do stuff that I can show anyone or
2) How do I get my inspiration going in a direction that will have broad non-humorous appeal?

Yesterday, out of the blue my neighbor (the one who was going to help me set a site up awhile back) sent me a link to an artist blog (never even occurred to me, I figured things had to be text-centric), with the thought I might want to take a stab at one myself... he said the stuff on that blog reminded him of what I do (cue "but-I'm-not-as-good-as-that-guy" subroutine)...

[cylon]

Besides this thread how much online feedback have you gotten for your work?

How many places have you posted?

[Wax Frog]

Currently one or two, the reasons being easy to guess:

- I was playing to an audience I felt comfortable with
- I have that inferiority/insecurity thing about being compared to other artists.
- I have a few items I had pegged for selling, and 'watermarking' them isn't cheap for someone in a 'doubting' place

I haven't made any kind of effort to "broadcast" this stuff, another confession. As I said, "masterpiece of inertia"

I guess there's also the "positive" side of it. Let's say there is a clamoring for what I can do. Suddenly I am obligated to put out work regularly, and the "will I be able to keep up?" fear kicks in.

[cylon]

For me art (creating music) is something that I have to do. I'm fortunate that I am in a creative field for a living as well.

I have so so so so many songs recorded. But I was afraid to have anyone hear them. Probably similar reasons. Fear of failure AND success.

But I did, I just said I have to do this. So I set up a music site, put a couple songs up, got a good response....and now it's all I think about.

I think that if you put more of your work up, and found sites where people also put up their own artwork and discuss it (there are plenty) you may get a newer perspective.

[cylon]

This is why it's key to act as if you're the man you want to be, right now. If you want to be an artist and share your vision with people that has to be something that you just ARE.

You have to accept that if you don't do it, you'll feel regret. But you can do something about it.

That's where I got to. The pain of not acting as an artist was just too much. I can't be on my death bed wondering what would have happened if I had put myself out there and really dove into my craft.

Best to do it NOW.

[Wax Frog]

Best to "be who I am" and fail than never to try, eh? And stop giving so much fuel to the idea of failure...

[cylon]

You only fail if you don't do anything. You need to at least know you're doing all you can to work on your dreams. That's all anyone can expect from themselves.

Besides, think of all the successful people out there, doing what you love to do, who may not have the same amount of talent and ability you have. Why are they successful?

Because they produced and they put it out there.

[cylon]

Oh yeah, they also made peace with the fact that more may be expected of them (internally and externally) now that they are producing work at a higher frequency.

It's not a question of talent, ability, success, failure... it's a question of are you willing to literally live your passion. Are you willing to focus on something and master it. Are you wiling to do what it takes so that on your deathbed you can know you lived your life to the fullest potential.

Most people are not willing. I wasn't willing. But I'm getting there.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by cylon

Most people are not willing. I wasn't willing. But I'm getting there.

Maybe that's what I was looking for, after all - someone who's been where I am right now.