Purging a particularly painful emotion

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

explore what exactly you are afraid of.

I know I can't properly answer a question like this with a quick answer, but what comes to mind first is:

I am afraid of myself. What in hell am I?!?!?! The idea of death being the end of consciousness is scary enough, but somehow I could never believe that would happen. But this leaves me with an alternative that happens to be vastly more frightening in it's implications.

I know that when I get "back home" I'll probably have a good laugh about it, or whatever it is that "higher selves" do in lieu of laughing, but from my current solid plain-as-white-bread corporeal perspective it's downright spooky!

I am honestly hoping AAIIG will provide answers, both for the above, and more 'mundane' matters, such as: just what is my first step? When and where will the "door" open that allows me to say, "Aha, the adventure begins at last!"?

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

when we desire change enough that we are willing to give up the past, metamorphosis happens and reality shifts.

Nice symmetry. During my meditation, I recall thinking something like, "If you want everything, you must first let "Robyn" go..." It's tough though, from my limited perspective, having to trust that the connection I have with the Essence behind "Robyn" is infinitely more than enough, and the only one I will ever need. The ego still yearns for that "avatar"...

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

I know I can't properly answer a question like this with a quick answer, but what comes to mind first is:

I am afraid of myself. What in hell am I?!?!?! The idea of death being the end of consciousness is scary enough, but somehow I could never believe that would happen. But this leaves me with an alternative that happens to be vastly more frightening in it's implications.

I know that when I get "back home" I'll probably have a good laugh about it, or whatever it is that "higher selves" do in lieu of laughing, but from my current solid plain-as-white-bread corporeal perspective it's downright spooky!

I am honestly hoping AAIIG will provide answers, both for the above, and more 'mundane' matters, such as: just what is my first step? When and where will the "door" open that allows me to say, "Aha, the adventure begins at last!"?

behold I stand at the door and knock....

it's always up to you when to open the door to that adventure. I'd have to say non resistance opens it and unfurls the path before us.

as far as fear.... I haven't wrestled with that one so much maybe others on the forums have and will address it more. I have a few areas that my ego enjoyed worrying over, but i've learned to let go of worry for the most part and what a peace that is!

I've gotta head off to get some sleep, I'll check back in the morning - night WF.

[Wax Frog]

I was about ready to hit the sack myself. Thanks for the advice and company!

[cylon]

Gotta love torilink.

Helps me too, you and I have a bit in common Wax, getting our "lives in gear" a little older than we would have preferred. So essentially she writes for both of us.

Wax from my perspective, your resistance is pretty big and has been for years, which is the same thing for me. Sometimes we have a difficult past and we spend the rest of our lives living in a memory or time period that just doesn't exist. Living in the moment is challenging, but technically, that's all you can do anyway. All that stuff is gone.

Your ego has constructed this identity to protect you from the outside world. You have a lot of potential, yet are scared to use it, and in order for you to "keep your sanity", your ego has formulated dreams for you and an image of a better life but stops you in your tracks by getting lost in the past and dwelling on things that are now not relevant to your life.

They are excuses, and they are there in order to protect you from pain, being hurt "out there in the world". It's a little kid or the kid who had the crush or whoever, that created your life circumstance.

Your higher self has the desire, to have an abundant happy life that we all deserve. Once your ego senses you're going to take some action, it throws up road-blocks. Your higher self may know you're safe in the larger world, but your ego is terrified of being anywhere other than locked away in your room. I know the feeling.


Now you have to decide, who is living your life now. Your former self, or your real, genuine, authentic self that is now being uncovered.

Who is making the decisions. The kid from 1981 or the man writing in this forum.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by torilink

well, it sounds like your ego is fighting with your new found inner peace doesn't it. It's gonna dredge up all the junk it can to get you back to being unconscious so it can regain its throne.

Inventing yourself as you desire to be right now is your answer. All the other crap the voice in your head is bringing up isn't real - that was a false self that was unconsciously created - now you can consciously create the person you desire to be. Once we find a way for you to let go of this shadow self you're hanging onto.

hmm let me think a bit...

This really is it Wax. And that's all it is. It's nothing, even though it seems like everything.

[Wax Frog]

I hope AAIIG works out for me. I've read many fine books in the past, but they never "clicked" (or maybe I never allowed them to "click" - one of my patterns was to vividly imagine my life as it would be after I applied the principles I'd read, feel real good about it, take all my satisfaction from that daydream, then drift back into my inertial fog).

(The Waxter agrees with "gotta love Torilink", but what is a Torilink anyway? How does one link a Tori? )

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

I hope AAIIG works out for me. I've read many fine books in the past, but they never "clicked" (or maybe I never allowed them to "click" - one of my patterns was to vividly imagine my life as it would be after I applied the principles I'd read, feel real good about it, take all my satisfaction from that daydream, then drift back into my inertial fog).

(The Waxter agrees with "gotta love Torilink", but what is a Torilink anyway? How does one link a Tori? )

I hope so too. Just about anything we use can help if we're serious about it.
Again, the higher self/soul/whatever, knows that you deserves happiness.

You deserve happiness. You need to get accustomed to this belief because it is opposite of what you're used to. You don't have to be someone else or do something amazing or any of that stuff, just being who you are is enough.

That's tough to handle though. So the ego hears that and says "yeah, whatever. Life sucks" then you're right back down until the higher self gets enough momentum to lead you to ANOTHER book (or something else) that it hopes will give you the motivation to free it.

So it's this constant war between higher self and ego. Good thing is, if you are committed to living a happy life, you (the real you) can win that war.

It's worth it. You have no idea what you're in store for.

[mej023]

Every moment you revisit whatever you think is hindering you, you activate it again. And it becomes the hindrance NOW, and will eternally be so, unless you get off of it. We've never known anyone who was ever able to deactivate anything that they were talking about. You've just got to practice activating things that feel GOOD!
Abraham - Sacramento, CA 7/27/02

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by cylon

It's worth it. You have no idea what you're in store for.

You trying to scare me again?

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by mej023

We've never known anyone who was ever able to deactivate anything that they were talking about. Abraham - Sacramento, CA 7/27/02[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

Which is precisely one of the reasons I put this thread together. Maybe if I make this baggage public it will help me finally 'exorcise' it.

BTW, can starting this process trigger weird 'acausal' outbursts? Mom just jumped on me a bit for not having cleaned some ears of corn, as she said she's asked me to do. But I honestly have no such recollection. Anyway, I pointed out to her that she was stressing, and she explained it was because she goes to all the trouble of cooking for me and Dad, and we don't lift a finger to help etc. I explained to her that I honestly never heard her ask me to clean it, only if I had a knife handy downstairs, and informing me that Dad would be the one cleaning it. As we cleaned the corn together, I pointedly assured her that I would never, ever deliberately do anything to hurt her. I further told her that she simply does not need to feel as if she must cook for us, and that indeed I'd be just as happy if she didn't, as it would free me to do more of the veg-heavy dishes I intend to eat (the last time I was fully in charge of my eating habits I lost 30 pounds!).

Whew!

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

I hope AAIIG works out for me. I've read many fine books in the past, but they never "clicked" (or maybe I never allowed them to "click" - one of my patterns was to vividly imagine my life as it would be after I applied the principles I'd read, feel real good about it, take all my satisfaction from that daydream, then drift back into my inertial fog).

(The Waxter agrees with "gotta love Torilink", but what is a Torilink anyway? How does one link a Tori? )

LOL

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

You trying to scare me again?

Yeah your whole world is going to turn upside down, brace yourself.

You'll be glad after the dust settles.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by cylon

Yeah your whole world is going to turn upside down, brace yourself.

You'll be glad after the dust settles.

Like the canoeing trip. I'll "surrender" to the process, feel like I'm drowning, then come out 'reborn'....

[cylon]

Something like that. I see getting rid of resistance like one of those karate dudes who is breaking those wooden boards with his hands. Maybe there are several laid out before him, he chops one, it's gone, chops another one, it's gone... then eventually there's just open space in its place.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by cylon

Something like that. I see getting rid of resistance like one of those karate dudes who is breaking those wooden boards with his hands. Maybe there are several laid out before him, he chops one, it's gone, chops another one, it's gone... then eventually there's just open space in its place.

I think you hit this one on the head cylon. We aren't aware in the beginning of the process just how many layers of resistance we have. As they begin to break down, there seems to be yet another layer to deal with.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by torilink

I think you hit this one on the head cylon. We aren't aware in the beginning of the process just how many layers of resistance we have. As they begin to break down, there seems to be yet another layer to deal with.

WB, Linkster

I guess I would do well to begin to think of myself as an onion?

[Jarrod]

I've just begun reading "Ask And It Is Given"

If you know the emotion you want to be free of, try asking for it to be destroyed. A lot.

Ask and it is given.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

WB, Linkster

I guess I would do well to begin to think of myself as an onion?

As if I'd slept a thousand years underwater I wake into a new season. I am the blue lotus rising. I am the cup of dreams and memory opening - I, the thousand-petaled flower. At dawn the sun rises naked and new as a babe; I open myself and am entered by light. This is the joy, the slow awakening into fire as one by one the petals open, as the fingers that held tight the secret unfurl. I let go of the past and release the fragrance of flowers.

Becoming The Lotus
From: Awakening Osiris: The Egyptian Book of the Dead,
translated by Normandi Ellis

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by Jarrod

If you know the emotion you want to be free of, try asking for it to be destroyed. A lot.

I'd say bitterness and regret would be good candidates...

[cylon]

Originally Posted by torilink

....there is beauty in being messed up

Takes a while for this to sink in to those who are artistically inclined (oh how I suffer for my art!) but it's true. This is how I've lived my life (the tortured artist/tortured soul) and it was unhealthy.

There's nothing cool or mysterious or brilliant about being in pain. It just hurts. And things that hurt suck.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by cylon

Takes a while for this to sink in to those who are artistically inclined (oh how I suffer for my art!) but it's true. This is how I've lived my life (the tortured artist/tortured soul) and it was unhealthy.

There's nothing cool or mysterious or brilliant about being in pain. It just hurts. And things that hurt suck.

their is a thin line here - you want to embrace it and allow it to be as it is without perpetuating it.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by torilink

their is a thin line here - you want to embrace it and allow it to be as it is without perpetuating it.

Right. I accept that I was a tortured soul suffering for my art and now I accept that I have found new ways of looking at life that I prefer.

[mej023]

If you're focused on what you've left behind, you will not be able to see what lies ahead.

Gusteau 2007

[cylon]

Originally Posted by mej023

If you're focused on what you've left behind, you will not be able to see what lies ahead.

Gusteau 2007

Yeah you posted a quote from Abraham with a similar message, and it struck me (not physically but mentally).

We're so caught up with "our story". My story, it's me, it's who I am, what I've done, where I came from, all of it having an effect on the present moment, yet the present moment is all there is. It's tough.

I mean "my story" is ME, right? I NEED it. Right? I wouldn't be "me" without it.

[Wax Frog]

Am I correct in interpreting an idea from AAIIG, that the focus mustn't be on the thing desired, but the positive feeling associated with it? That if I focus on giving fuel to the tractor (while still acknowledging the freight), it's trailer will with complete certainty be hauled into my life experience?

I'm finding that today I am able to hold a quite positive feeling. What's really interesting about it is that it follows another of a series of metaphorical scab-pickings I engaged in last night.

I mainly use a graphics program called Bryce, which is notorious for it's lovely-but-slow renderer. I'd put together what proved to be a fairly render-intensive image, and so I found myself doing something I've done far too often in the past. I sat there, alternating between reading various boards and playing a Craps game, and watching the render, all the while allowing the re-emergence of a familiar old gripe - "Man, I wish I had/could afford one of those multiple-core systems. My renders would FLY." From there I'd feel miserable about all the other artists out there who do have access to the latest "toys".

The big difference this time is that I was able to cut myself off. I resolved to do the render on a second, seldom-used system I have (with it's own 'back story'), powered down the comp, went to bed, meditated, read some more AAIIG, then slept.

Inspired by my reading, I set an intention that my new system is on it's way, and have since sustained the good feeling I associate with recieving it, with only the occasional weak 'lapse'.

Of course, those 'lapses' take the form of "What if this doesn't work? And what if I come back to the board and they say I'm still blocking on some level?" But as I said, I'm able to shove those aside and fill my mind with nothing but the presence of that multi-core system, while feeling this wonderful "clean" feeling. I've had the "clean" feeling before, but it's stronger and more lasting this time.

I apologize for the rambling post, I had a lot I wanted to get out at once. I can elaborate any unclear points if needed!

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by cylon

Right. I accept that I was a tortured soul suffering for my art and now I accept that I have found new ways of looking at life that I prefer.

"17 Lies" has a chapter that deals with us delicate, tortured artist/martyr types. I don't recall the exact name, but it's something like "I'm Just Too Beautiful For This World".

[mej023]

Originally Posted by cylon

Yeah you posted a quote from Abraham with a similar message, and it struck me (not physically but mentally).

We're so caught up with "our story". My story, it's me, it's who I am, what I've done, where I came from, all of it having an effect on the present moment, yet the present moment is all there is. It's tough.

I mean "my story" is ME, right? I NEED it. Right? I wouldn't be "me" without it.

You're exactly right cylon. So when you tell "your story", only include the parts that make you feel good.

Abraham reminded me the other day that we live in an "inclusive" universe.

To quote from Ask and It is Given (Chapter 17)

"When you give your attention to something that you desire and you say yes to it, you are including it in your vibration. But when you look at something you do not want and you say no to it, you are including it in your vibration. When you give no attention to it, you do not include it, but you cannot exclude anything that you are giving your attention to, because your attention to it includes it in your vibration, every time, without exception."

[cylon]

Originally Posted by mej023

You're exactly right cylon. So when you tell "your story", only include the parts that make you feel good.

You know, I've had great things happen in my life as well. Wonder why I never focused on those instead.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by cylon

You know, I've had great things happen in my life as well. Wonder why I never focused on those instead.

In my case, I'd turned pessimist into a high art form...

Anyway, here I am again, because television has become even more boring that I could have ever imagined (or is my wisdom increasing?)....

The good thing about having been in a "non-allowing" state is that it made it possible for me to spend lots of time here