Among My Greatest Fears

[Wax Frog]

I've already posted on this matter, but I see now that I was far too vague.

Am I correct that an indispensable part of LoA/IM is to follow one's dreams/calling? If so, then I have a lifelong obstacle that needs resolving (hopefully another one of those walls that exists only in my mind).

I'm assuming that if I want to get rolling as an artist, preferably of the 'digital' type, I will need to get some schooling. In order to do that, I will have to find a good school, and of course that means researching one.

My problem is that I have had a lifelong hate-hate relationship with 'research', at least going back to high school, where I'd sit in a library for hours, despairing of the monumental and monumentally-dull task ahead, wishing I was someplace else doing something fun. There was even one occasion where I was to do a paper on WWI dreadnaughts. I went to the trouble of going to the Library of Congress, and the Navy Yard, as well as checking out plenty of other books. In the end I wasted the effort by merely doing a reworded summary of one book, because doing it the "right way" was just too damn tedious and dry and "dusty" a process, and I wanted to get it over with.

How do I slay this dragon of mine, and come to think of research as being the sort of "easy, effortless" process it should be, in line with the whole IM/LoA philosophy? For that matter, how do I apply IM/LoA to my "research phobia"?

It's tough for me to talk about this, but nothing will get solved if I just keep my lip zipped on matters like the above. Time to stop dipping my toe in the water and dive right in!

[AndyK]

As far as I know, working in digital art (and I'm a photographer and graphic web designer) at university doesn't really involve that much research and more of a hands on approach.

Inevitably you will have to read books, look at other sources for inspiration etc, but really even if you hate research in a literal sense then perhaps the joy of fulfilling your dreams will be enough to be able to overcome this.

I look at my learning curves as experiences, some good some bad... and I too hate the thought of opening that book I bought with good intentions and knowing the struggle to comprehend something new.. but I usually find that I enjoy the process once I get started. Not so much the results some times as technical skills do take time to evolve, but it's never as bad as I imagine it.

[Wax Frog]

I was mainly looking at advice related to going about finding the "right" school for me, but I definitely want discussion from a broader perspective too. Thanks AndyK and others!

[Lauxa]

Okay, I will comment later on getting through activities that you have built up a resistance to, but first I want to ask why you believe you must do research in order to succeed as a digital artist?

Why not just ask people to recommend good art schools? Why not go out and visit campuses instead of doing "dusty" research at the computer? Why not just start creating digital art and put up an online portfolio and after you have completed a few hundred pieces then look for freelance work?

My neighbor went to Savannah College of Art and Design (Savannah College of Art and Design Home) and absolutely loved it. He is now working in New York, I don't know his exact job description but it is definitely in his field (digital media).

When you approach a task that you dislike but that is necessary, it is a good opportunity practice being present in the moment. Notice that your ego is telling you "I don't like this" and notice the emotions that are generated in your body. Your mind may try to escape the task by thinking about the future or the past. Repeat to yourself "Be here now." Remember that you are not your ego, not your thoughts, you are the consciousness that directs your thoughts. If you allow your thoughts to possess you and believe that they are you, then you already have given them your power. The voice in your head complaining sounds like a petulant child, smile at it, it is so cute. Don't fight it, fighting will give it power, simply observing it will take away its power.

You can do it!

[pianoperformer]

Are you assuming too much, perhaps? Are you unnecessarily restricting your intention?

You may not need schooling. Personal research can serve quite just as well. Programming may be different, but I feel I'm acceptional at it, yet have received no formal education in the field (well except for one semester in C++).

So how about putting out the intention that you become an acceptional digital artist and are able to live comfortably off of it?

if you need formal education, then it will come. If you can do it by yourself, perhaps you will be lead to books or other resources.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

So how about putting out the intention that you become an acceptional digital artist and are able to live comfortably off of it?.

People who care about me, but know nothing of IM/LoA, are pushing me to a certain extent (and yes, by posting this I'm just giving more 'fuel' to my panicky I-must-do-something-before-it's-too-late feeling). The sooner I can get IM/LoA working on my behalf in solving this "biggie" the better, but I appreciate that pressure is yet another counterproductive factor.

Though it's partly off-topic, I suppose I should air out another of my fears in here- there is a voice inside that says, "There are so many other people in this field, a good percentage more talented than me, who can afford better hardware and software to boot. I'm also such a damn introvert! What hope do I have?" If ever I had a deep-rooted belief that needed to be exorcised, this little gem is probably close or at the top of the list. I do have talent, no question, but I also have severe insecurities.

[Sam988]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

I've already posted on this matter, but I see now that I was far too vague.

Am I correct that an indispensable part of LoA/IM is to follow one's dreams/calling? If so, then I have a lifelong obstacle that needs resolving (hopefully another one of those walls that exists only in my mind).

I'm assuming that if I want to get rolling as an artist, preferably of the 'digital' type, I will need to get some schooling. In order to do that, I will have to find a good school, and of course that means researching one.

My problem is that I have had a lifelong hate-hate relationship with 'research', at least going back to high school, where I'd sit in a library for hours, despairing of the monumental and monumentally-dull task ahead, wishing I was someplace else doing something fun. There was even one occasion where I was to do a paper on WWI dreadnaughts. I went to the trouble of going to the Library of Congress, and the Navy Yard, as well as checking out plenty of other books. In the end I wasted the effort by merely doing a reworded summary of one book, because doing it the "right way" was just too damn tedious and dry and "dusty" a process, and I wanted to get it over with.

How do I slay this dragon of mine, and come to think of research as being the sort of "easy, effortless" process it should be, in line with the whole IM/LoA philosophy? For that matter, how do I apply IM/LoA to my "research phobia"?

It's tough for me to talk about this, but nothing will get solved if I just keep my lip zipped on matters like the above. Time to stop dipping my toe in the water and dive right in!

Google

[mercuryrising]

I would start with visualizing what kind of school you want to be at, paying particular attention to the distinct feeling of being there knowing that you are doing what you want to do... you are on your way.

Instead of researching schools, I would make it into an adventure. You are exploring, not gathering statistics for a report. What you are looking for is a school that matches that feeling you had in the visualization. That isn't to say your rational mind takes a vacation, just that you are being led by intuition.

That's my suggestion.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Though it's partly off-topic, I suppose I should air out another of my fears in here- there is a voice inside that says, "There are so many other people in this field, a good percentage more talented than me, who can afford better hardware and software to boot. I'm also such a damn introvert! What hope do I have?" If ever I had a deep-rooted belief that needed to be exorcised, this little gem is probably close or at the top of the list. I do have talent, no question, but I also have severe insecurities.

Believe me, I know where you are coming from. I am a pianist, so am in a very similar situation. I have feared and sometimes still fear that the chances of success are minimal, and so I must work myself to death just to get by. I no longer hold that view, though, because that is definitely not enjoyable to me, and I refuse to lose the joy and love of music just because of the fear of failure.

So, are you willing to go through whatever needed to do this? Is the value it provides you and others high enough that you would do this even if absolutely broke? Do you love this field so much that you would do it regardless of the circumstances? In short, are you resisting failure? If so, you have to let go of that fear. If your passion for it isn't great enough to overcome that fear, then perhaps you are in the wrong field. I'm not saying that is the case, though, as I don't know you.

[cylon]

I went to design school, I didn't research it though. My dad set it up. But I'm still paying for it all these years later (lol).

Although school was ok, it just introduced me to graphic design. Everything I know now, was through real work experience. Interestingly, the designers I work with all came to it through other places. None studied design, they just found their way into the field.

When you say digital artist, I assume you mean stuff like Photoshop, Illustrator, Flash, etc. Don't discount self-guided tutorials. I pay $200 a year for online instruction. I'm almost done with a near 18 hour lesson on using inDesign. You follow along with the video. You download the files, and build the project from scratch.

Just start making stuff. Get some good books on art, and read them. Pay attention to the world around you and notice what you like. Once you learn the basics, you really can build from there. Eventually you'll get a feel for what you like doing and that's where you'll really grow.

I went to school for print design, not web-design. Yet, I feel the need to learn web-design. The future is catching up to me, and I also want to create a site for my music. So, I'm going to keep doing the process I listed. Do the tutorials, sometimes twice, follow along, and build projects. You can handle it.

[Wax Frog]

Quite a variety of responses, a lot to reflect on!

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

So, are you willing to go through whatever needed to do this? Is the value it provides you and others high enough that you would do this even if absolutely broke? Do you love this field so much that you would do it regardless of the circumstances? In short, are you resisting failure? If so, you have to let go of that fear. If your passion for it isn't great enough to overcome that fear, then perhaps you are in the wrong field. I'm not saying that is the case, though, as I don't know you.

As my art is one of a very few things I've found in this world that I can get passionate about, and among those the one that always most readily springs to mind and heart, my hope is that I can either support myself doing it, or at the very least get to a place where I can do this with minimal material distraction. Unless there are scales that need to be removed from my eyes, I must assume that "this is why I am here" (I refuse to embrace the nihilist view). I've found no other outlet for my spirit remotely like it, nothing that excites me so much, that spurs me to put in true effort, that brings so much pleasure and joy to myself and others. I'd hate to think that it would come to the point of going broke doing it, as it seems to me that doing so would actually injure or destroy my ability to produce. Very "un-Loa-like" to me. I guess this is a big part of why I used to come to "LoA" forums, attempting to constructively challenge the notion to see if it meant what I'd hoped it meant - a reason to believe that I can indeed become what I feel I should become.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by cylon

Just start making stuff. Get some good books on art, and read them. Pay attention to the world around you and notice what you like. Once you learn the basics, you really can build from there. Eventually you'll get a feel for what you like doing and that's where you'll really grow.

I think this is key right here.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Quite a variety of responses, a lot to reflect on!



As my art is one of a very few things I've found in this world that I can get passionate about, and among those the one that always most readily springs to mind and heart, my hope is that I can either support myself doing it, or at the very least get to a place where I can do this with minimal material distraction. Unless there are scales that need to be removed from my eyes, I must assume that "this is why I am here" (I refuse to embrace the nihilist view). I've found no other outlet for my spirit remotely like it, nothing that excites me so much, that spurs me to put in true effort, that brings so much pleasure and joy to myself and others. I'd hate to think that it would come to the point of going broke doing it, as it seems to me that doing so would actually injure or destroy my ability to produce. Very "un-Loa-like" to me. I guess this is a big part of why I used to come to "LoA" forums, attempting to constructively challenge the notion to see if it meant what I'd hoped it meant - a reason to believe that I can indeed become what I feel I should become.

It is excellent that you love it so much.

However, my point is that you cannot sometimes put your all into it if you are fearing failure. Dedicate yourself to it no matter what, regardless if you are successful or not, and I think you will find it will flow much easier.

I think Steve talked about this in another thread. Yes, here's the post.

Again, when I feared failure with piano performance, I really was overwhelmed. But now I am free to enjoy it, because regardless if I succeed or fail, it is what I love, and what I feel I should be doing.

Of course we all prefer to be successful and even wealthy, but one must ask oneself also whether one fears failure.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

but one must ask oneself also whether one fears failure.

Yes, and profoundly so, another of the many fine reasons I am here. Another "thought form" in need of unmaking I suppose...

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

Yes, and profoundly so, another of the many fine reasons I am here. Another "thought form" in need of unmaking I suppose...

Then, no matter how much you believe in LOA, as long as you fear failure, that's all you will attract. It's something to overcome.

But it's doable, of course, so there is hope. Indeed quite a bit of hope if you truly love design.

I would suggest not focusing on the money, but on the value you are providing. The receiving end will work itself out.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Again, when I feared failure with piano performance, I really was overwhelmed. But now I am free to enjoy it, because regardless if I succeed or fail, it is what I love, and what I feel I should be doing.

I was in the same boat. Tons of recorded songs, but no one heard them. Because they weren't "perfect" and I was worried, how they would be perceived. If anyone would care. If they would say they weren't any good.

A few weeks ago I decided I had had enough of that. I compose music, that's just the way it is, and I always intended to add my music to the world, so that's what I did. I posted a few songs online, got some positive feedback and now my whole outlook on this has changed.

So I posted on another website. I can tell by now that dozens of people have heard these songs. Even without feedback, I know that they were heard.

Now, I'm working on a song and I'm getting EAGER to put it online and see if I can get even more people to hear my music. Whereas before I was feeling depressed and stagnant, now I am motivated and really ENJOYING the writing process even more. And I just feel happier in general now because my actions are matching up with what my higher self says to do.

And it says, release songs. The fact that I can do that now, irregardless of what people may or may not think, has put me on a completely different path.

[Wax Frog]

There have been at least four occasions in my life where the following happened:

1) I openly exhibited my artistic ability
2) Someone of a more assertive, can-do nature took notice and said some variation of "That's really good! You're not doing something with this? We'll fix that!!!"
3) Planning or even some collaborative prep work begins
4) Something happens to pull this person out of my life, or at least render them unable to aid me further

Man, if I can be fully convinced of "negative LoA", this would do it, particularly the fourth step - I began to half-jokingly contemplate the existence of some sort of stalking "evil genie", pulling the rug out from under me at the most painful possible moment each time. If I'm indeed causing step 4, then surely I can reverse the effect?

[pianoperformer]

I think you just need to trust the universe a little more. If you quit worrying about succeeding so much, and just create art, then the rest will be taken care of. That is my belief, anyway, and it's enabled me to be happier and less fearful.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

I think you just need to trust the universe a little more. If you quit worrying about succeeding so much, and just create art, then the rest will be taken care of. That is my belief, anyway, and it's enabled me to be happier and less fearful.

If synchronicities are messages that I'm "on the right track", then I am feeling good now, because I have had a fairly dense string of them the past three days!

[pianoperformer]

Nice job! Keep it up!

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Wax Frog

If synchronicities are messages that I'm "on the right track", then I am feeling good now, because I have had a fairly dense string of them the past three days!

When you're creating, and you are "feeling in the zone", things will start happening. Just go down the road.

Not like you have a choice. As an artist you will be miserable if you don't.

Here are the steps:

1. Decide to create something.
2. Create something.
3. Watch the world change around you.

[Wax Frog]

Cylon, I was about to hit you with a "Yeah, but", when I suddenly realized that not a little of the art I've done in the past has had a pessimistic, overly wistful, or subtly futile element to it. Even the nicest images have always held the message, "I'd rather be in there than out here".

It amazes me that I never thought about my artwork functioning as a kind of intention, because if IM works the way Alg and Co. describe it, then my creations must have acted like "spells" too. All of them.

The more I post here, the less it becomes a matter of "Waxy finding out how this works" and more of "Boy, I am really having to look at myself in the mirror". I frankly did not expect this, at least to the degree it's occuring!

[cylon]

Your art is going to reflect wherever your head is at the time. This was a challenge for me, my songs were melancholy and morose, because that's how I was at the time. I'm moving away from that, and I was concerned if the music would still be good if it wasn't dark.

Well, guess what. I'm happier, and the music is still "dark", but it's missing the hopelessness it used to have. It's expanded. Now it includes a way out of the darkness.

This is how I'm seeing my music these days. Yin/Yang. The dark side is there to show contrast with the light, and vice versa. I didn't think I'd make it to that stage. But I allow it to be what it is.

It will grow, WITH you. You can't not grow and develop and change as a person, and your art will always reflect that.

So just dive in!

[cylon]

Just to add-- this is what I think "real artists" go through. We don't really feel "normal", like we're a part of society. We tend to see and experience things different from other people, or at least, perhaps we ponder the big questions more than the average person. This can make you feel isolated from the world at large, and being creative, that's the story you tell with your work. And since the process of living can be confusing and hard to handle at times, the art tells that story. It tells the story of a confused/creative/outcast trying to make sense of the world around them. Often, the result is a little gloomy.

This was my experience. Still is. You'll always be questioning who you are.

But what happens when you develop as a person, learn to handle life better, and mix that in with the creative skills you have honed? What kind of story will THAT be like, now with the addition of some bravery and willingness to face the world? Only you can answer that one.

[nightdiamond]

Hi Waxfrog,

Know what I think, if you don't mind me saying?

You already have some great, powerful tools right now... the average digital artist doesn't have access to tools for creativity, imagination, advice and yes, even I.M to help them along, and yet many of them still succeed at it....

Do you know how many creativity tools are available to someone who reads this forum??????? Mind maps, image streaming, alpha meditation ect.....

.......so then given all these tools you have, why not you too? You have the tools! I'm sure by now you have practiced some type of visualization... want to bet you could use that for creatvity for coming up with new ideas that the average digital artist hasn't even considered?

For the research problem, it really sounds familar to me, based on my own ways of thinking in the past;

The feeling that something must be done perfectly and until then you can't even begin to start unless it's done right or it's the "right time" for it; otherwise, you'll wait until the the next time, or just start over again....

For example, I can detect the feeling that research must be done the "right way" or it will end in disappointment.....like researching for that high school project, it had to have that extra bit of information, structured this way and would be so perfect and unique from the other projects that it would get the perfect grade.

However, there was the feeling that some information was always missing.....so much work was required, so tedious, so much backtracking to make sure it was done right, made it too much to handle..... overload......does that sound correct?

That may be part of your pysche that feels "now" is never the right time, it's best to wait until the "right time" comes when everything is ready, which never happens... it's a form of insecurity and your mind's way of trying to protect you because you're worried about whether you can succeed financially at this.....

The best thing to do is just override that thought and do-it-anyway..plunge into it.....after you do it, and you look back, you will feel relief that you are now actually learning digital artistry instead of waiting for the right moment....

Has anyone ever had that feeling of just doing something after hesitating for a long time and felt relief and just plain glad???? .. I have, feels great, I tell ya.... Most of the posts here have pretty much already covered this....

My suggestion if it's ok, How about approaching digital artistry slowly as a hobby as you begin making small profits at it until you can grow those profits into a cash cow?

That way you can enjoy both ends, doing what you like without quite worrying if you fail financially, because you're doing it slowly, not betting the farm on it.....

Keep us informed waxfrog, take care.....

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by nightdiamond

.......so then given all these tools you have, why not you too? You have the tools! I'm sure by now you have practiced some type of visualization... want to bet you could use that for creatvity for coming up with new ideas that the average digital artist hasn't even considered?

Being virtually brand-new here, there's much resource-wise I'm oblivious to (maybe there should be a "sticky" thread called "Resources for new users", where there's nothing but links to the tools you speak of ; my inner research-phobic is probably talking there, but it seems a sound idea)

That may be part of your pysche that feels "now" is never the right time, it's best to wait until the "right time" comes when everything is ready, which never happens... it's a form of insecurity and your mind's way of trying to protect you because you're worried about whether you can succeed financially at this.....

Yep, you've nailed quite a bit; I have both perfectionist and right-time aspects to my "beast"

My suggestion if it's ok, How about approaching digital artistry slowly as a hobby as you begin making small profits at it until you can grow those profits into a cash cow?

Time for another unpleasant-but-necessary confession. A major consequence of my introversion and distaste for research is a "career" which, aside from two past permanent stints, has devolved into a string of increasingly boring/depressing accounting/DE clerk temp jobs. That doesn't look good as a work history, and I also am losing the heart to keep doing those. God, is it dull!!!!

I really do need to do something about making money in the interim. I'm a sharp guy, but I worry my options might be limited by my past foolish decisions.

It's as if I allowed myself get sucked into a whirlpool, but didn't admit it to myself until I got to where (seemingly) the flotation devices and lifelines are much harder to reach. I'm sick and tired of water. Surely this IM/LoA thing can 'zap' that whirlpool somehow? How do I find the quickest, best, most joyous way to break my cycle?

[pianoperformer]

I think the problem is, you are approaching this with an air of need, instead of detached desire. As long as you say you need it, you're coming at it with an attitude of lack, which is just going to perpetuate the same.

I know how it is with perfectionism. I'm the exact same way.

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

I think the problem is, you are approaching this with an air of need, instead of detached desire. As long as you say you need it, you're coming at it with an attitude of lack, which is just going to perpetuate the same.

It's that darn paradox again: the things that drove me to become interested in IM/LoA are also the things that work against it. It brings me back to variants of questions I initially posted on this site - how do I mentally/spiritually get out of my "life-situation belief" long enough that I stop blocking the process with fears of it not working, so that my life-situation can itself "realign"? How do I convince myself the "wall" is of my own making long enough and deeply enough for it to dissolve?

[cylon]

Here's something someone else told me, and it was a tough pill to swallow.

Don't canonize yourself for suffering. Get rid of the romantic notion of a tortured artist, which is how you are coming off. I am only recently moving away from that. It's very romantic, but it's not practical. Some artists really have a tough time in life yet they are prolific and create an amazing amount of material. They still produce.

Either you make your art, or you don't. Your choice. But don't wait TOO long. The longer you wait, the more you will start to dislike yourself for not following the call of your passion.

Everything I'm reading from you is fear. You're afraid of being rejected and afraid of the self-discipline it's going to take. Join the club.

You WILL have to be self-disciplined enough to produce.

Starting is always the hard part.

[Wax Frog]

Don't worry about hurting my feelings, Cylon; I wouldn't be airing out my psychic "undies" in a public forum if I wasn't ready for that! I've had a good dose over the years anyway;it's been a long slow unpleasant process, but I think I'm finally adapted enough to risk fully looking in the mirror again.

I just think that the better idea other posters have of where I'm coming from, the better my chance of getting some good "how-to" ideas!