you attract what you fear

[moonrambler]

On this forum, I've been disagreeing with this concept all along. Then last week Friday I got blasted with some insight.

At the end of my thread "The Science of Getting Rich" I was talking about feeling like I was waiting for the crazed Fatal Attraction villain to come screaming through the doorway with a knife. I was talking about feeling like I had to be a warrior and sitting on a crested butte with a rifle, etc.

Last year I had gotten in over my head with a credit card, fell behind at the end of the year, and in April (this year) was able to make payment arrangements after several weeks of discussion with a representative. I had been surprised at how smoothly this went, because when he first called here, he was demanding a very large payment up front. I kept manifesting for a positive outcome and did some Silva subjective communication technique (I have not taken the Silva course, but read how to do this technique and gave it a try). It was fascinating to me that after I tried the subjective communication, this rep called me the very next day after saying he would call the following week, and said he was bothered by my situation and was working with a supervisor to get the payments lowered.

In any case, this was all going smoothly and then last week Thursday I got a call from a different rep, and they had transferred my case to her. This woman was the most obnoxious, combative, unpleasant and awful person you could ever have to deal with. Suddenly we were back to this business about how I had to make a gigantic payment up front, and she kept demanding, "Why don't you file for bankruptcy?" She kept repeating this question at me in a barrage of nastiness, like it's any of her business, although I figured that is what the company wants -- they don't want to mess around with smaller payments, they want their insurance company to pay them for the loss and get it off the books.

I was so strung out by all this. I could hardly sleep that night, and the next day felt very surreal. Driving around, I couldn't figure out what the hell had happened. I kept going over and over it all, and suddenly it hit me that the instant my attitude turned from positive to warrior, thinking about rifles and Fatal Attraction, bam, I encountered this combative obnoxious person who dragged me right back into the fray. Geez.

I went to find a park to stop at and do a little meditation (very easy considering how little sleep I had gotten), to get back into a more positive frame of mind. I intended for the situation to work out positively. I asked God, surrendering the situation, in the way that mercuryrising had talked about it in another thread. I even beamed lovelight at this horrible woman, thinking perhaps she's not horrible in real life and does not take glee from acting this way, but her job is horrible and it makes her behave like this. I couldn't get this nasty demanding question out of my head, I kept hearing her voice snapping at me, "Why don't you file for bankruptcy?"

And then bam, HUGE GIANT EPIPHANY

This isn't even something that was a surprise (as epiphanies seldom are, in my experience). It is something I had been thinking about all along, but somehow, I never realized how very significant it is. Suddenly, I could hear my mom's voice, sounding just like this horrible woman's voice, spitting out, "They went bankrupt! Bankrupt!"

See, when I was in 5th grade, I got to be friends with a girl named Cindy, and my mother was completely appalled at this because once upon a time long long ago, Cindy's parents had filed for bankruptcy. It became part of my mom's life mission to end this friendship between Cindy and me, which of course did not work. Cindy and I stayed friends all though school. One night which I specifically remember, when we were probably in jr. high, I had been talking to her on the phone for an hour or two, which was driving my mom nuts, and for some reason she must have been in a particularly bad mood, and she came into the kitchen near the phone and said this, real loud, "They went bankrupt. Bankrupt!" She was spitting it out in nastiness -- I cannot believe how awful she was. I think if Cindy's parents had been murderers, that would have been easier for my mom to deal with.

Geez -- we were still practically little girls. Why would my mom behave this way? I always wondered how she could be so awful about this. It wasn't Cindy's fault in the first place, whatever her parents did years and years ago.

But sitting there in the car, I realized, with a clarity that was surreal, that all the while I have continued to create more and more debt, while desperately trying to create more income, I have such an intense fear of the public shame and humiliation that comes with ultimate financial failure, because I know there are people like my mom out there, being as nasty as they know how, spitting out, "They went BANKRUPT!!"

I left the park. Turned on the radio. The Eagles song "Already Gone" was playing -- the last verse was just starting. You know, the verse that ends with "So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key."

The rest of the day felt almost dreamlike.

I went to a rummage sale and there was a book there by Shakti Gawain which I'd never seen before, called "Reflections in the Light: Daily Thoughts & Affirmations." It goes day-by-day, and I picked it up to look at May 30, thinking that if it said anything that seemed relevant to me for May 30, I would buy it.

May 30 begins, "When we are negative and fearful, insecure or anxious, we tend to attract the very experiences, situations, or people that we are seeking to avoid. We attract these experiences in order to become conscious of and heal our deepest fears."

I can't tell you how blown away I was to see this message to me there on May 30. At this point I really felt like I had entered some other reality. I bought the book and walked down the driveway and said out loud, "Life is very strange . . . "

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

May 30 begins, "When we are negative and fearful, insecure or anxious, we tend to attract the very experiences, situations, or people that we are seeking to avoid. We attract these experiences in order to become conscious of and heal our deepest fears."

Wow. That is an amazing story and I cannot tell you in words how pertinent the above quote is. When I saw the title of your thread, I knew this post was meant for me this morning. I've recently been giving over to fear again and have been creating some icky situations.

Thank you for sharing!

[dave marshall]

the magic is there and available for all of us when we want to experience it.

Sounds like an amazing day,

dave

[cylon]

Originally Posted by dave marshall

the magic is there and available for all of us when we want to experience it.

If we attract positive things, then we attract negative things, but we'll get the majority of what we are thinking of. So if we're mostly positive, and expect mostly positive, we'll tend to get mostly positive, even if there is the occasional fear. And likewise, the more fear, the scarier the intentions.

What I have noticed in myself, is the old patterns of worry and anxiety get me worked up, then I come here, or remember something I have read here or in an Abraham book or something, and it kind of dissipates. My "worry episodes' are more likely hours than days like they used to be. I would hope that sort of vibration would cancel the the things I thought of when I was temporarily in the worry/fear state.

[seeker5]

Moonrambler, that's a great story, thanks for sharing!!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

1111 seeker5.

[jawillie]

Wow.

Thanks for sharing.

I have chills. I can just imagine how you must have felt!

[infinitethoughts]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

you attract what you fear

Originally Posted by moonrambler

have continued to create more and more debt, while desperately trying to create more income,

Very very good points.

[garentee]

In Some instances you do certainly attract what you fear. but We cannot attract everything that we fear. No one would ever leave the house if that were the case. Luckily very little of what we actually fear is ever realized.That said it is vital to think more positively. Thats my $.02.

[Lil Chris]

I think it's more of the focus than the actual fear (along with the emotion behind it). The focus can either be on fear or love aspects of the issue at hand... But likewise, it's really what you believe it to be, it turns out that how you think it is, that's how it will be (notice I said how YOU think it is).

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

May 30 begins, "When we are negative and fearful, insecure or anxious, we tend to attract the very experiences, situations, or people that we are seeking to avoid. We attract these experiences in order to become conscious of and heal our deepest fears."

How true, and the synchronicity of this Universe never fails to amaze me either. Just when you posted this story yesterday, down to the very minutes, I was battling one of my oldest inner struggles and fears and I spent the rest of the day trying to come to terms with it. "heal our deepest fears", how heavenly that sounds to a weary soul.

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by garentee

In Some instances you do certainly attract what you fear. but We cannot attract everything that we fear. No one would ever leave the house if that were the case. Luckily very little of what we actually fear is ever realized.That said it is vital to think more positively. Thats my $.02.

This is an aspect that has made me skeptical as well, but I got some insight into this last week while all this was going on. I had asked earlier why if I attract what I fear, that I haven't been in a plane crash, or a tornado, and that sort of thing. I was looking at phobias. And then there are the other things that are rather universal fears -- losing someone you love, for instance.

This thing with the financial failure, though -- that was something else. That is something where I was experiencing thoughts of desperation along the lines of, "I would almost rather jump off a bridge than have that happen." Or, "If that happened I would move far away where nobody knows me and I would never again talk to anybody who knew me before." These sorts of thoughts indicate a deep, abiding, unreasonable fear, and that is different than my fear of getting on airplanes and dealing with bad storms.

I had to change my thoughts from "this is so horrible I would almost rather die," to a calm statement of "I would rather not have this happen." There are many things in life I would rather not have happen, but I don't find myself thinking it might be better to jump off a bridge.

In addition, this experience also may have been generating other insidious effects -- such as, that I might be subconsciously getting back at my mom for making Cindy's and my friendship so damned difficult all those years. I don't know if any of you dabble in the TA psychology of parent/adult/child, but I've found that to be applicable to myself, only I added "adolescent" to the triad because I know I have a very strong adolescent personality. I've found that my typical way of operating is adolescent, with a strong component of child, and then the adult shows up to add some responsibility and also to deal with problems "we" cause, and the parent is usually locked in a closet.

So in addition to my being frightened of financial failure because I can hear my mom's spitefulness toward people who experienced that, there may be a 14-year-old girl inside me yelling at her, "SO THERE!!!!"

[Protein]

guys, in the secret movie, Beckwith said that a negative thought has 100 less wave vibrations than a positive thought, and so , that kills the worry about our little or big frustrations. What do you think?

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Protein

guys, in the secret movie, Beckwith said that a negative thought has 100 less wave vibrations than a positive thought, and so , that kills the worry about our little or big frustrations. What do you think?

Personally I think that's nonsense. Among other things, I don't think you can so easily classify thoughts into the two categories "Positive" and "Negative". Instead they occur on a sliding scale.

Since they occur on a sliding scale, it is not possible to say that a "negative" thought has X times more or less of any "vibrations" than a positive thought.

In case that's still not clear, consider the following examples:

1. "My life sucks."

2. "My life sucks, but I am working to improve things. I believe that there's a good chance that my life will get better."

Given (1) and (2) above, you would say that (1) is negative and (2) is positive. However, if I give you the following:

3. "My life sucks, I am the unluckiest person, there's no hope, it's always been this way"

4. "I have a couple of challenges in my life, I am working on them and I'm looking forward to success! Things are going to get better, I'm absolutely sure of it."

... well, (1) suddenly looks quite positive compared to (3), while (2) suddenly looks rather negative compared to (4).

[Lil Chris]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Personally I think that's nonsense. Among other things, I don't think you can so easily classify thoughts into the two categories "Positive" and "Negative". Instead they occur on a sliding scale.

Since they occur on a sliding scale, it is not possible to say that a "negative" thought has X times more or less of any "vibrations" than a positive thought.

In case that's still not clear, consider the following examples:

1. "My life sucks."

2. "My life sucks, but I am working to improve things. I believe that there's a good chance that my life will get better."

Given (1) and (2) above, you would say that (1) is negative and (2) is positive. However, if I give you the following:

3. "My life sucks, I am the unluckiest person, there's no hope, it's always been this way"

4. "I have a couple of challenges in my life, I am working on them and I'm looking forward to success! Things are going to get better, I'm absolutely sure of it."

... well, (1) suddenly looks quite positive compared to (3), while (2) suddenly looks rather negative compared to (4).

The mental image that came to my mind when reading this was something to the effect of:

Pick any of the statements above (the one that closely resembles your current reality). this is "what is" currently... Now pick a better statement and hold onto it long enough for your reality to change (this may take some time, a day, a week, a month etc... Probably depends on the person).

The thought was that we are always creating, regardless of the thought being positive or negative, good or bad, but creating always... So, hold new thoughts long enough for the reality to change to become the new truth... Does this make any sense?

I just thought I'd share that though that popped into my head...

[AndyK]

I'm somtimes skeptical about these things but at the same time I know that we often find a way out of the problem in a moment of inspiration.

I've been worrying about my health and to be honest, after reading some of this I am open to the possibility that I'm creating the problems for myself. I'm glad you shared this because I would like to stop that stuff for myself.. I'm going to be more open minded from now on about the power of good intentions and bad ones.

thanks!

[DanceCat]

You manifest what you focus on. This does not mean that you manifest what you're thinking. Nor does it mean that 'Positive Thinking' is a short-cut way to getting all you want. What you focus on can be invisible. The initial thread story by Moonrambler is a perfect example. She didn't even KNOW she had these thoughts until she allowed them to whack her upside the head. However, they were a major underlying reason for what was going on. Her ability to recognize the situation and see that there was another way to think about it was a huge deal. You have to believe your new thinking. It's not just random 'good thoughts'. Pessimist v Optimist. If you see the world as a nasty thing out to get you, then it will. If you see the world as a very quirky thing with varied and unique puzzles to solve, then it's easier to find solutions and live in a healthy life. If you see the world as all rosy and euphoric, um, you're missing something. There has to be Yin/Yang, Black/White or there's nothing. Accepting the fact that things happen, and what may be 'bad' for you is 'good' for someone else is one of the first steps. Normally, when you really boil things down, there is no 'blame'. The trick is : What are you going to do now? Lil Chris is on to something, too. It's not individual thoughts, but your outlook.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

I can't tell you how blown away I was to see this message to me there on May 30. At this point I really felt like I had entered some other reality. I bought the book and walked down the driveway and said out loud, "Life is very strange . . . "

What a great story... what really interests me is how things switched around simply by your awareness of a limiting belief in the form of an experience with your mother... congrads and thank you for sharing.

This is what I've been on lately...

Q: If I am creating this reality, why is it not the way I want it?

A: Reality is created through my belief, so there is an underlying (unconscious) limiting belief at work formulating unwanted phenomena.

Q: How do I change this limiting belief to what I want it to be?

A: By becoming aware that it exists.

Q: I don't have to counteract the limiting belief with something else?

A: No. That will create resistance and actually increase the limiting belief's influence (though it will become more apparent through my life experience).

Q: How does being aware of it change the belief?

A: Belief is a certain perception. Being aware (perceiving) a belief changes the perception. Just like if you look at a picture from a different angle, you'll notice things you didn't notice from the previous position.

[demk]

The mind works with problems. If you have the belief, I will be happy if I don't go bankrupt, then the mind has to create the bankruptcy in order to make you happy because through this lense there can be no happiness without first removing the problem of bankruptcy. You are trying to move towards happiness all the time but because you believe in lack at a fundamental level your mind creates problems such as this to prove the that lack exists. And if a problem exists then you must need to fix it in order to get back to happiness. This results in this world of endless problems.

The trick is to realise your natural ability for happiness without needing to fix any problem. Take the belief, I will be happy if I don't go bankrupt, and question it. Ask yourself slowly with a quiet mind...

Is it true that this will make me happy?
Could I just let go of this feeling of needing to get happiness from fixing this problem?
Who would I be if I could not believe this thought?
Who would I be if I could not believe that fixing this would make me happy?

The truth is that fixing a problem does not make you happy, it just brings you back to the point you were before you manifested the problem. As soon as the problem is gone you will be right back where you started, and your feeling of unease (caused by a fundamental belief in lack) will drive you to create another problem outside of yourself until you learn to look for happiness inside yourself. Just let go of the problems. The happiness is there already inside you - its behind the desire to find happiness.

If you do use the enquiry above, please let me know how you get on with it. If you have any questions please ask.

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by demk

The mind works with problems. If you have the belief, I will be happy if I don't go bankrupt, then the mind has to create the bankruptcy in order to make you happy because through this lense there can be no happiness without first removing the problem of bankruptcy. You are trying to move towards happiness all the time but because you believe in lack at a fundamental level your mind creates problems such as this to prove the that lack exists. And if a problem exists then you must need to fix it in order to get back to happiness. This results in this world of endless problems.

The trick is to realise your natural ability for happiness without needing to fix any problem. Take the belief, I will be happy if I don't go bankrupt, and question it. Ask yourself slowly with a quiet mind...

Is it true that this will make me happy?
Could I just let go of this feeling of needing to get happiness from fixing this problem?
Who would I be if I could not believe this thought?
Who would I be if I could not believe that fixing this would make me happy?

The truth is that fixing a problem does not make you happy, it just brings you back to the point you were before you manifested the problem. As soon as the problem is gone you will be right back where you started, and your feeling of unease (caused by a fundamental belief in lack) will drive you to create another problem outside of yourself until you learn to look for happiness inside yourself. Just let go of the problems. The happiness is there already inside you - its behind the desire to find happiness.

If you do use the enquiry above, please let me know how you get on with it. If you have any questions please ask.

I think these are valuable questions. My case though is a bit turned around because I haven't been thinking, "I will be happy if I don't go bankrupt," though certainly that thought is implied. It is, "I literally will not be able to stand it if that is my only option." Thus, "I'm happy now but I will lose that happiness completely if this is my only option."

I can't tell you how clear this has all become just from that one day sitting in my car in the park. This question you pose here: "Who would I be if I could not believe that fixing this would make me happy?" My immediate response was, "SCUM." If I can tolerate bankruptcy, then I am SCUM. See, that's my mom talking.

It's been mentioned on the forum that when people ask themselves what is the worst that can happen, typically the answer is death. That seems to be many people's ultimate fear. But I think many people also have the one that I apparently have -- ultimate fear of shame and humiliation. Horrible embarrassment. Ask people who have panic attacks what they are most afraid of about the panic attacks, and usually it's that somebody and particularly lots of people, will see them in this state. That the panicking person will throw up or pass out or something equally degrading, and everybody will be watching and going And little by little they quit going out in public the way they used to, because they don't want people looking at them and saying in disgust and rejection, "My God, what's wrong with HER?"

Shame/humiliation/embarrassment = rejection/abandonment.

I've watched people create situations that they are real afraid of, that they literally cannot stand, and now that I see this, it's bizarre to think about. I have an old friend, for instance, who's an alcoholic. He also has one major phobia, which is claustrophobia. A couple times he got drunk driving tickets and had to wait in jail a couple hours till somebody came and bailed him out, and it about drove him mad. Did he stop drinking and driving? Of course not. He could have gotten a taxi (he has no shortage of money), he could have had friends drive him home (he has no shortage of friends), he could have stayed home and drank, whatever. Instead he got another ticket and got sentenced to 30 days in jail and because this was his ultimate fear, he ran away. He sold his house and all his stuff and ran away! I kept thinking, 30 days, geez, anybody can do 30 days. Do the 30 days and get your act together! This guy literally could not do 30 days in jail. I think he would have jumped off a bridge first.

Yet, he continued to act in the same way that he KNEW would bring him to this inevitable result if he didn't stop. It was like a vortex sucking him in.

[demk]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

I think these are valuable questions. My case though is a bit turned around because I haven't been thinking, "I will be happy if I don't go bankrupt," though certainly that thought is implied. It is, "I literally will not be able to stand it if that is my only option." Thus, "I'm happy now but I will lose that happiness completely if this is my only option."

I worded the question like that in order to put it in the context of the mind's search for happiness. is it true that you wouldnt be abe to stand it if that is your only option? I'm pretty sure you would be capable enough to get by and start again.

You don't have to actually be thinking that thought, but ask yourself whether you beleive it. You say it is "implied" so it seems as though you do. Its just a way of expressing your beleifs as language and not necessarily how you would articulate them to yourself. But to express a belief in this way and then to question it has found me much freedom because I have realised that there is a need to create problems at the level of the (Big) mind. This comes because at a fundemental level you believed there is a lack (before the universe began) which resulted in the projection of a universe full of problems outside of yourself to correct that lack. Your looking for happiness outside of your Self because you beleive there is something to do and something to be corrected. You create a problem in order to solve it and then become happy, but you never do. You just go back to the stae of unease you were in before you thought the problem was outside of you.

This is pretty deep and metaphysical stuff. My thinking is influenced by Byron Katie, Lester Levenson and A Course in Miracles. There are loads of Indian guys saying the same sort of things in Advaita Vedanta too.

Try articulating what you believe to yourself in a way that frames it in the context of what you think will make you happy.

[PerDev]

Originally Posted by cylon

If we attract positive things, then we attract negative things, but we'll get the majority of what we are thinking of. So if we're mostly positive, and expect mostly positive, we'll tend to get mostly positive, even if there is the occasional fear. And likewise, the more fear, the scarier the intentions.

What I have noticed in myself, is the old patterns of worry and anxiety get me worked up, then I come here, or remember something I have read here or in an Abraham book or something, and it kind of dissipates. My "worry episodes' are more likely hours than days like they used to be. I would hope that sort of vibration would cancel the the things I thought of when I was temporarily in the worry/fear state.

This is really true, But is it possible to Live on Positive thoughts when your environment does not support it ? Is there any way to getrid of it ?

[cylon]

Originally Posted by PerDev

.... is it possible to Live on Positive thoughts when your environment does not support it ? Is there any way to getrid of it ?

Well that's the question it all revolves around. Do your thoughts become positive after your environment has changed, or does your environment change after your thoughts become positive?

In my experience, and this has been a long hard road, you have to first accept your environment, before you can leave that environment. The more you fight where you are, the more you get "caught up" with it, and the more you are going to not see anything BUT that. But if you step away in your mind and just let it be, it frees up your energy to start drawing other experiences to you.

That's how I think this works.

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by demk

. . . I have realised that there is a need to create problems at the level of the (Big) mind. This comes because at a fundemental level you believed there is a lack (before the universe began) which resulted in the projection of a universe full of problems outside of yourself to correct that lack. Your looking for happiness outside of your Self because you beleive there is something to do and something to be corrected. You create a problem in order to solve it and then become happy, but you never do. You just go back to the stae of unease you were in before you thought the problem was outside of you.

I know this isn't what you meant, but it has gotten me to thinking quite a bit about the idea of how the (Big) mind needs problems to solve. I have begun wondering if people can consciously create more "fun" problems, that will effectively disintegrate the current unpleasant problems because then we'll have something else to concentrate on. Fun problems vs. unpleasant problems would be something like instead of worrying how we'll ever be able to afford to take the kids on that planned vacation this summer what with gas prices, and severe weather causing flooding and damage at the place we wanted to go, we could instead make a giant list of all the things to do there and then make the "problem" whittling down which things we will do over four days.

This makes it so that somehow we know that the more vexing problems have already been solved, and we can go on to the next part of the plan.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

I know this isn't what you meant, but it has gotten me to thinking quite a bit about the idea of how the (Big) mind needs problems to solve. I have begun wondering if people can consciously create more "fun" problems, that will effectively disintegrate the current unpleasant problems because then we'll have something else to concentrate on.

What's really fun is recognizing that all problems are fun problems -- what I've been calling game problems -- they are all created by your expanded self so that you can recognize the limitless that is you. Problems don't exist outside of yourself, so how fun is it to create your own game and make your own rules?

I've been having a blast lately with this. Some people find it to be a pretty confronting perspective, though! That itself is a very fun *problem.* It's interesting to hear what people project onto it: like, "You are in denial!" and "Problems are objective and real! My husband left me (my daughter dropped out of school, my toenail fell out, burglars stole all my stuff, I hate my job) and that is a real problem!" and "Problems are part of life and they are unavoidable."

I'm not willing to create any more problems in my life, except for fun problems.

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by Angela

What's really fun is recognizing that all problems are fun problems -- what I've been calling game problems -- they are all created by your expanded self so that you can recognize the limitless that is you. Problems don't exist outside of yourself, so how fun is it to create your own game and make your own rules?

I've been having a blast lately with this. Some people find it to be a pretty confronting perspective, though! That itself is a very fun *problem.* It's interesting to hear what people project onto it: like, "You are in denial!" and "Problems are objective and real! My husband left me (my daughter dropped out of school, my toenail fell out, burglars stole all my stuff, I hate my job) and that is a real problem!" and "Problems are part of life and they are unavoidable."

I'm not willing to create any more problems in my life, except for fun problems.

I've started saying to myself when I start getting stressed, "It's a game. It's just a game." I like this idea of choosing "I'm not willing to create any more problems in my life, except for fun problems."

[Angela]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

I've started saying to myself when I start getting stressed, "It's a game. It's just a game." I like this idea of choosing "I'm not willing to create any more problems in my life, except for fun problems."

You are reclaiming your power!

The most challenging part for me has been when I go unconscious and slide back into believing that my problems are really problems. I'm lucky that I have Danger Man here to remind when I forget that it's my game, that my consciousness creates it all -- he "wakes me up" and he's very gentle about it. It's very helpful to have a partner in all this!

[munish]

Originally Posted by Angela

I'm lucky that I have Danger Man here to remind when I forget that it's my game, that my consciousness creates it all -- he "wakes me up" and he's very gentle about it. It's very helpful to have a partner in all this!

moonrambler ,

But , if you are not as lucky as Angela .

You may read this article by S.P.

Feeling Blessed

[Angela]

and you also have plenty of potential no-problem partners here, too. There's no rule that your partner has to be someone you're sleeping with.