Guilt, shame, IM

[cylon]

After the crazy discussion in response to Steve's "how to be a man" article, I got to thinking about shame and guilt.

I just freaked myself out: I am deliberately focusing on the moment, segment intending and trying to feel good (right now) and even though I'm terrified that if I don't worry about tomorrow the world will explode, things lined up so that not only is it slow at work, but I have a lot of vacation time, so I'll take the last two days of the week off. I filled out my form and was hit with a sense of guilt. WTF is that?

When you have a tough time accepting good things coming your way, good things will not come your way, because you have to make a space for them, inside. Silly thread but the only reason I am writing it, is to immediately notice and reject an inappropriate response to something good, guilt.

Any stories here of being at peace, feeling good, and then feeling like "hey life isn't supposed to be happy"?

[Dan.Linehan]

I'm 100% with you Cylon. Guilt sets me back sometimes too.

I want to get rich, but for some reason, at my core, I don't feel I've accomplished enough to deserve it. A core belief like that will ruin the best made plans pretty quickly.

Guilt is one of the best things you can practice overcoming, IMO.

Let me ask you this: Do you feel that you owe anyone anything? Why?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by cylon

Any stories here of being at peace, feeling good, and then feeling like "hey life isn't supposed to be happy"?

Aren't you glad to see me again?!

I have a very recent one. I've been participating in the LOA diy experiment and focused heavily on my relationship. Even though I haven't been great about doing all the exercises, I've definitely been noticing good things and mentally (hopefully vibrationally) asking for more of that. And when things I am not so fond of happen, I'm minimizing my reaction and focus on them so as not to attract more of the "bad."

To the point though, I've actaully had success. Things have progressed and I feel like I am getting what I want...not all of it yet, but certain instances have been clearly different than before. And my first reaction is, "something bad is bound to screw this up any minute." And also, "maybe I don't deserve this" and etc. I have a lot of other conflicting feelings around this, but I won't list them all .

I don't know if it's natural or if it's conditioned into us by old pain and insecurities or ingrained beliefs about "how the world works." But I think we have to be diligent about finding ourselves deserving so that we can allow even more abundance. It's beginning to become clear to me through this situation how much what we expect to happen, does.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Let me ask you this: Do you feel that you owe anyone anything? Why?

That's a hard question to answer. I will say that most of my life I've felt I've had to JUSTIFY my existence, in my own head. I know this is not uncommon, but I always felt like an alien from another planet and that I didn't fit in and I was awkward and weird and unlovable (childhood crap).

Slowly, I've pulled away from that. But when you think you're unworthy, it really doesn't matter what it is: when you do something good for yourself, you get cognitive dissonance: your new belief that you deserve the "good stuff" conflicts with your life-long belief that you deserve anything BUT the good stuff. The two beliefs compete and you have an internal explosion.

Big challenge for me to overcome this. So I just had to say "you know what? I kick ass at my job. I do my best. I'm never calling in sick. I do my job. Don't I DESERVE to take some time off? Don't I DESERVE to enjoy life?" And of course I actually had to wrestle with those questions.

I think it's the same with prosperity: I have to JUSTIFY to the WORLD why little old me actually DESERVES to live an abundant lifestyle.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Aren't you glad to see me again?!

....And on to the response!
(just kidding, lo)

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

To the point though, I've actaully had success. Things have progressed and I feel like I am getting what I want...not all of it yet, but certain instances have been clearly different than before. And my first reaction is, "something bad is bound to screw this up any minute." And also, "maybe I don't deserve this" and etc.

Right. Like the other shoe is about to drop. Like if you're not overly suspicious, you could get burned. What goes up must come down. You DO have to be diligent.

Reading Abraham is really challenging my old self-image as a weird, unworthy alien creature.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by cylon

....And on to the response!
(just kidding, lo)

Nice.

Originally Posted by cylon

Right. Like the other shoe is about to drop. Like if you're not overly suspicious, you could get burned. What goes up must come down. You DO have to be diligent.

Exact thoughts that have gone through my head.

I've had some progress using Angela's old technique as well. Identify the thought (like "I am worthless") and calculate the cost to yourself and the people in your life that occurs when you are believing that thought and living "I am worthless." Then invent an inspiring new possibility for yourself and BE that instead. You begin to realize just how much a simple thought that you formed as a child has effects across your life. And you begin to realize the power and change and freedom that comes from dismantling it.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

You begin to realize just how much a simple thought that you formed as a child has effects across your life. And you begin to realize the power and change and freedom that comes from dismantling it.

This is good.

[Ecce Homo]

Originally Posted by cylon

I will say that most of my life I've felt I've had to JUSTIFY my existence, in my own head. I know this is not uncommon, but I always felt like an alien from another planet and that I didn't fit in and I was awkward and weird and unlovable (childhood crap).

Originally Posted by cylon

I think it's the same with prosperity: I have to JUSTIFY to the WORLD why little old me actually DESERVES to live an abundant lifestyle.

Originally Posted by cylon

Reading Abraham is really challenging my old self-image as a weird, unworthy alien creature.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

You begin to realize just how much a simple thought that you formed as a child has effects across your life. And you begin to realize the power and change and freedom that comes from dismantling it.

Ditto on all of this! This is precisely what I needed to hear today! The thoughts about feeling "alienated" and reading Abraham caught my attention, which in turn sparked an insight that I think is going to be really helpful. Thanks for sharing guys and thanks Universe!!!

[infinitethoughts]

Originally Posted by cylon

Any stories here of being at peace, feeling good, and then feeling like "hey life isn't supposed to be happy"?

That's due to CENTURIES & CENTURIES of amplified "religious" thought. Not nescessarily (how the HELL do you spell that damn word ?!) yours, but more the Collective awareness.

See it for what it is, and dump it where it belongs. The trash can.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by infinitethoughts

That's due to CENTURIES & CENTURIES of amplified "religious" thought. Not nescessarily (how the HELL do you spell that damn word ?!) yours, but more the Collective awareness.

See it for what it is, and dump it where it belongs. The trash can.

Yeah. Suffer and strain today, someday we'll be happy in heaven with the Lord. No thanks.

Religious upbringing anyway, I'm SURE that had something to do with it. Most of my life, up until just a few years ago (when I forced myself to get through it) I was terrified I was going to burn in hell. All day every day, if I die today tomorrow I'll be in hell.

Thanks family! lol.

Even though I've moved past believing in heaven and hell and my dirty, sinful nature, I wonder if some of the remnants of shame are still there.

[impaul99]

It could also be a result of a hidden "Zero-Sum Game" belief relating to wealth and happiness.

I wrote an article about it yesterday. For anyone who wants to read the full thing it's here: Get Rid of Your Zero-Sum World View and Shed the Guilt | How to Make Money Doing What You Love .

The basic premise, however is that a lot of us have a zero-sum mentality/belief/world-view which subconsciously tells us that by having something you are taking that thing away from someone else.

Meaning, if you build your wealth by $50,000, it means that someone else out there is now $50,000 poorer because of that, which makes you feel guilty.

It's a pretty crazy and unlogical theory, but it's installed in the heads of almost all the people I know (that are also poor) and used to be a belief that was holding me back too.

The crazy thing is that it doesn't just relate to money either. We are conditioned to believe that by us being happy, we are somehow taking away happiness from someone else, which is absolutely REDICULOUS but that doesn't make it any less common.

[cylon]

Good timing! I'll read the article later today.

Originally Posted by impaul99

Izero-sum mentality/belief/world-view which subconsciously tells us that by having something you are taking that thing away from someone else.

Yup. When I first started writing music, I was afraid to share it (still am, damn not for long though) because I thought "why should I get any potential recognition when there have to be so many people more talented than me?"

Wow. So glad I can verbalize this stuff and it's not just some weird abstract feeling I can't make sense of.

[cylon]

Really liked your article Paul.

[livingthedream]

Wow,

There is a lot of really great advice on this thread! I am only new here but my observation is that most of these suggestions seem to "deal with the symptoms" rather than address the cause of the thought process.

Do you know where these thoughts are coming from and why?

In my experience some limiting belief that you're not even aware of is heavily attributing to the "guilt" you feel. It could be time to kick that puppie.

I have just been through the process myself which is probably why I think it could help you.

If you're interested you can check out a free vid here to learn more about it

**********.com :: Create your future

Peace.

[RT Wolf]

Ahhh, exactly. When I was tlaking about not deserving stuff, guilt and shame is indeed what you feel when you feel you didn't deserve something.

And Paul's right. Even if its the thought that someone else deserves this more, that assumes there's a limited amount of x (money, recognition, etc) and they SHOULD get it.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by livingthedream

In my experience some limiting belief that you're not even aware of is heavily attributing to the "guilt" you feel. It could be time to kick that puppie.

This is true. You have to move forward, inspite of yourself.

In any case, today I confronted a big fear of mine, that had been limiting me for years. Something "simple" on the surface, but it's a big step for me, allowing people to hear my music. So looks like this thread has been a bit of a turning point for me.

[RT Wolf]

I'm starting to get the impression that a lot of our limiting beliefs may be rationalizations of feelings. I realized, for example, that if I suddenly achieved success today through whatever means I would feel like i didn't deserve it. And that feeling of not deserving it is driving intellectualizations of various things.

[cylon]

So I posted my songs online, and got a good response. (big deal to me as I've never shared a song with anyone other than a couple close friends).

The funny thing is they said in my intro I was being way too hard on myself.

I've heard this my whole life. I think I'm just talking about something, having a normal conversation, and I hear "don't be so hard on yourself".

Like in my mini-vacation. I NEVER take vacations. I have a lot of vacation time, so I take three day weekends, but this is the first time I took a four day weekend and even now I'm justifying that it's ok. All my work is taken care of, I'm ahead of deadline, and... blah.

Cognitive dissonance. When your old identity clashes with a new identity.

[uberinquisitive]

You may want to read this series about Palace of Possibilities. It's on the EFT site, but you don't need to know or care to do EFT.

The articles describe cognitive dissonance as the "tailenders." Everytime you assert an affirmation or new, positive way of thinking, there is often a silent "...but..." statement at the tail end. These tailenders are what we really believe on a subconscious level.

It's important to neutralize these tailenders, to "wipe the writing off the wall." Then, you can write new programming on the clean walls. If you try to create new programming on top of the tailenders, you will just get a lot of confusion and mixed results.

Now...how to get rid of the tailenders? There are a million different ways. I deal with my tailenders through such things as EFT, TAT, and BSFF. Others may opt for traditional therapy. Or self-help books. Or NLP. Or hypnosis.

I've been consciously trying to work on these tailenders for about - a month or two? Before, my work was trying to rebuild my emotional self after a life-altering trauma.

In about a month of working on the tailenders, I can definitely sense a shift in me. However - most of that shift is superficially negative. I worked on my fear of success and perfectionism - and now my extremely strong ego is holding on for dear life! So, it's long-term a good sign that my ego is going nuts.

Anyways, just wanted to share.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I worked on my fear of success and perfectionism - and now my extremely strong ego is holding on for dear life! So, it's long-term a good sign that my ego is going nuts.

Anyways, just wanted to share.

Thanks for the links, they look interesting.

Yeah that pesky ego. Who are YOU to tell your ego how things should be now?

I believe like you say, the ego will do anything possible to maintain control. And if you're changing your identity, what you're left with is a lot of confusion and false starts. I am experiencing this now, new insights and new self-confidence, and although it's good, it's scary at the same time. My ego is terrified of what I AM doing to it.

So onto read these links.

[sammyboy]

Originally Posted by cylon

Any stories here of being at peace, feeling good, and then feeling like "hey life isn't supposed to be happy"?

Just curious. Why isn't life supposed to be happy?

[cylon]

Originally Posted by sammyboy

Just curious. Why isn't life supposed to be happy?

I got nothing.