I'm so scared and confused - how do I stay positive?

[Vee]

Hi guys,

First of all can i say thanks to everyone who has supported me on this site. This is the first forum I've stayed with longer than a month! There is no conflict or judging that I sense on other forums I have participated in.

I know I should be positive but I feel so confused and scared about my future. In some ways I am v.fortunate, earlier this year I lost my job (which i couldn't bear) - and found another one (which I really love) two weeks later .

I am thankful for this - but my personal life is in tatters. I have no social life, feel desperately lonely, and at the moment need to run to the bathroom every two hours at work to cry cos it's getting me down so much and can barely eat. I have lost concentration at work - which is annoying as i really like my job but can't bear thinking about going home and being alone with no one to call.

I don't want to feel this way - but i don't know what to do. I do join clubs, call people, email etc. - but you can't force people to be your friend or look too desperate. It's so embarrassing and I feel pathetic.

I can't bear the thought of spending the next months like this - but can't see anyway out. I can't buy friends in a catalogue or apply for them - it's so hard

I've prayed and prayed and pleaded because I am not strong enough to use my thoughts at the moment. But nothing is happening.

I even applied to be a model for a fashion show and got in!! Thinking it would make people like me - but it's done the opposite and some people have just cut contact with me. Now I am thinking of dropping out of the show as i have no one to go with and no one will talk to me there.

I also try and use my dreams for comfort - but they are just random and nothing happens to make me feel alright.

How can I effectively pray and get God to listen to me and help me?

I feel like it's such a struggle and I don't know why. I do take the initiative and call people but they either ignore me or hestitatingly invite me out. I am never asked I feel like i have to get down on my knees so people will notice me. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I am clearly putting out off-putting energy to people.

I know I've gone on but i feel so trapped - making relationships is one of the hardest things for me - it's been like that all my life and i don't know what to do - and I understand thinking this way will attract more of it to me but i can't not think about it when i'm in the situation - surely s/t you can get help and not have to work at it yourself?

[Joely]

Oh sweetie I know how you feel. When I first moved to this city I didn't know anybody, and that carried on for a couple of years until I moved to the city centre and things began to change.

It's tough to make friends if you're not friends with yourself, and you feel that you have to beg others to like you. All your language points to this "how do I make people like me?" but you can't make people like you. Well, if you were a billionaire I guess you could pay them, but I don't think you'd enjoy that - I know I wouldn't.

You know what worked for me? I gradually stopped worrying about how to make people like me. There's this idea that people subconsciously pick up on feelings of being desperate in others. It'll sound weird but I'd say you should try relaxing. Read Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love", and Tara Brach's "Radical Acceptance". As you let go of needing people to like you, they start to like you, because you're just being you. They'll come to you.

J x

[jimo]

Hi Vee,

I can fully empathize with how you feel, because I was there once. But let me first tell you what attracts people and what repells them so that you can understand why you are in the situation that you are. And most importantly, how you can turn it around... YOU CAN turn it around.

Now listen... we cannot force people to be our friends, it has never worked and it will never work. We can only be OURSELVES!

Hear this... You may not believe it but other people are attracted to people who love themselves, who are happy with themselves, who are confident in their own skins.

When you need no-one else to make you happy, you will attract others to you.

That is just how is. That is the way it is with attracting money and with attracting anything else.

The moment we become desperate and feel "I need this or that" then you "start pushing" whatever you want away from you.

So I suggest you do this.

Let it go... let go of the need to have friends. Just start loving yourself, because you are a wonderful person with so many talents and gifts and so much going for you. You mentioned that you got a job that you love.

Start appreciating what you have got and before you know it, the things in your life will change and you'll get the friends you've always wanted. But something has got to change in you first. Also start doing things for others, without expecting anything in return.

I hope this helps,

Jimmy

[Vee]

Thanks for the replies. I just cried in the bathroom for 10 mins and it was comforting to come back and found these.

I understand I've got to love myself and be comfy with myself - but i am lonely. I need to talk to people. I feel so desperate and can't get away from it.

There are times when everything is cool. I read, listen to music, watch tele, I have spent periods of time on my own and been fine. But sometimes you just need people.

I'm not trying to not appreciate your kind responses but it's hard to let go of the need for friends - we are social creatures and it's so hard to fill this lack.

And the waiting can be unbearable - i do think it can't go on like this. But i'm scared because if feels so long and not much progress has been made.

I am even tempted to use drugs when i go out so I feel confident when talking to people - i don't want to as i know it isn't a solution. But at the moment all i want is a quick fix cos i can't take it much more.

But just getting replies has honestly made me feel better. thank you. I am going to try and focus on the present and before i know it i'll be out of this situation (I hope)

[Vee]

Well I feel better. I'm in a lot of pain. My stomach is in knots and it hurts inside just to get up in away. But i am trying to remember what Tolle says and observe my pain and just accept it and that is helping.

Ha Ha. I got sick of Tolle yesterday and promised to not finish A New Earth - but i think i'll read a bit tonight - it's so up and down.

Thanks again for this forum. It really helps. Just reading other people's post with similar problems helps a lot. x

[Glennardo]

Hi Vee,

I do understand how you feel. When i was in high school, I really wanted to be popular... I tried very hard ..but realized that I was going nowhere.

The first thing I want to know is... what are your top 3 values in life? If friendship is not in there, you may need to ask yourself as to why...

Secondly, have you tried vision boards? Look for a picture in google that shows
friendship. (then you can cut a picture of your smiley face and put it in there)
Once you have this photo, looks at it and feel good about. Pretend its already happened... your body language will show.

Tell me how you go!

Glenn

[Vee]

Thanks Glen,

Thing is I don't even want to be popular. I just want a couple of friends that I can have a laugh with and I can't even manage that at the moment?!

My top three values does include friendship (well relationships which I suppose is part of that). The other two are respect and love.

Argh! This is so frustrating. It's all well and good trying to love myself, etc. but if you don't see action it gets depressing. Even a call, or an email or a good night out would help - but i haven't even had a sign recently. it's just been so dead.

It's so hard to keep being positive and smiling when i don't see results.

I am praying for a sign today, anything, to let me know it'll be alright cos i am finding it v.hard to be positive and upbeat at the moment - which of course will repel people more - argh!

It's such a trap - i feel negative cos i feel lonely, but i am repelling people cos of these lonely feelings, but i can't get away from these lonely feelings without some social interaction. WTF can I do?

[moonrambler]

I was kind of surprised to see you are having this sort of trouble because here on the forum you're likeable and pleasant. I think there probably is a good possibility that in your "real life" people are picking up on that feeling of desperation you speak of here. For instance, why won't anyone at the fashion show talk to you? That seems odd.

I agree with what the others here have said -- relax, calm down, get into a positive mindset. People like being around other people who are like that.

For a practical action, I'd suggest getting involved in something that can get you out and about with the same people on a very regular basis. One thing I did when I moved to a new town was start volunteering at the animal shelter because I just wanted to work with the animals. And then I discovered there was a big fund-raising movement and lots of adoption events, so I got involved in that and it was like a brand new social life with people who are interested in something I'm interested in also.

[JSB]

Hi Vee,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now, but remember that this is only for now and you have the power to change things (even if it might not feel like you do at this moment).

I've felt lonely and isolated and completely stuck, and there's a Catch-22 in that situation: you feel the driving need for connection with others, but that powerful need often scares other people away. If you can get yourself to relax in the moment, it will be easier to connect with other people without unintentionally pushing them away.

There have been some great suggestions posted already, but let me recommend anything that gets you connected with your body and allows you to relax on a physical level --- this can help you relax emotionally.

Check out EFT (EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else) and see if it works for you. By itself, it won't fix social isolation, but it may help you "de-charge" the episodes of panic, despair, etc., making it easier for you to work on building the rich social life you want and need.

I would also recommend trying some qigong or tai chi or yoga to really get focused on your breathing, your body, and the energy of your body.

From there you can move on to I-M and "getting out there" to meet people.

Best Wishes,

JSB

[robc]

Being lonely can be depressing and trying to maintain & achieve positivity can seem like an impossibility.

First thing to consider, you're a great person and you're asking for help, that means you do feel value for yourself, if you didn't feel you had any self-worth you wouldn't even bother asking for help. This is a good thing, in fact it's a great thing. When your life has value & meaning to yourself it means you're ready to accept good things in your life.

Be patient, this stuff can take time.

I've said it before in other posts on this site, I'll say it again.
Join a gym, start spending time on yourself, work out with weights, sit on a bike, walk around a track, etc. Physical exercise is proven to help assist with depression, it allows your body to make use of the energy caused by anxiety & depression. Your mind will clear up and you will generally start to feel better about yourself. It makes no difference if you're great shape to begin with (and if you're not in great shape, you have another good reason to do this). Retail therapy/shopping is also very good. Alot of people are hung up that materialism isn't good for the soul and that it's selfish.... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!! Buying a few things for yourself, specifically clothing that makes you look & feel better is a great thing. When you look good, you feel good. You mentioned modelling so you must have a clue about this already but I thought I would throw it out there. Plus buying/acquiring things that make you happy can have another positive effect. Once you start achieving some form of happiness (even if it's small to begin with) in certain areas, you set up a pattern of behavior about being happy and doing things that make you happy which just leads to pursuing other things that make you happy - it's very true.

Another thing to consider, volunteering your time for whatever special causes that you might (or might not) be interested in. Charities, special interest groups, people with the same interests, etc. There are always groups that you can sign up for that you can attend on a regular basis that gets you in contact with other people. Volunteering your time for example to a boys or girls group (big brother, big sister, etc.) has the added effect that helping others makes you feel better about yourself. It's just a spin-off effect, it does make you feel good to help other people, there is pretty much no stopping that - especially when the benefit is easily visible (ie. helping people less fortunate than yourself), it gives you a perspective of where you stand in life compared to other people plus receiving a thank you or a smile for the volunteer time you put in is priceless.

Search the net for local groups in your area, pick up a newspaper, etc. and search for these things - I guarantee that this stuff is being advertised in some form or fashion, take advantage of this resource.

Also, who about taking some classes in the evenings after work, you are bound to meet people that way, plus the added benefit is self-improvement.

You have a few ideas now, the rest is up to you, let us know what you plan to do, we'd love to hear more about this turns out positively for you!

[Vee]

Thanks again for all your lovely replies - they are helping me.

I understand what people are saying and i don't want to devalue the advice but i'm sick of struggling and trying.

Shopping is nice - but it feels empty at the moment. Another pair of new shoes can't talk to me or cuddle me.

I do go out and do things. I was doing dance lessons till about a month ago, I went out for a friend's birthday who i hadn't seen in two years at the weekend, I went roller skating with friends a couple of weeks ago - but none of these things have give me what i want. I am still alone.

Making friendships is so subtle. You can't be too full on - it has to be natural and that hasn't happened for me in a long time. That natural mutual thing u get on meeting someone.

The exercise is a good idea. I will do that. After a dance class I was buzzing with so much energy.

And I am training as a volunteer to give advice on a suicidal hotline. (although i don't know if i am in the best state to do it at the moment) - all the people there are nice and interesting to talk to. But on a social level, they won't be going clubbing or partying - they are older or not into that.

I am sorry - I do value the advice. I suppose i just have to keep on going out there, even though it's really hard.

I just wish it could be like TV where you can write in a set of new friends

On the modelling thing - I actually thought it would be a good way to become friendlier with people i am acquainted with. But it has had the opposite effect, they are not returning calls or messages and now I think they are all going to ignore if i go through with the fashion show

This especially has got me down. I thought it would be a way in to make new friends but it has just drove them away. I don't know what i am doing wrong.

[JSB]

Originally Posted by Vee

I understand what people are saying and i don't want to devalue the advice but i'm sick of struggling and trying.

EFT can reduce that feeling of struggling.

Originally Posted by Vee

I just wish it could be like TV where you can write in a set of new friends

Cool! Can I be the wacky neighbor?

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Vee

I know I should be positive but I feel so confused and scared about my future.

Is worrying about the future helping you? Feel you inner body and be present in the now. Since reading Tolle, when I start to worry about the future, I pull myself back to the present. It helps and it is then I notice things happening in my life. Really.

I can't bear the thought of spending the next months like this - but can't see anyway out. I can't buy friends in a catalogue or apply for them - it's so hard

Again, be present, especially when you socialise. Be present, be interested in others and relax. A few months ago, I was nervous about meeting up with old work colleagues. Before going out, I got really present and when I arrived at the party I remained present. Not only did I have a great time, but several people asked me for my number.

And the waiting can be unbearable - i do think it can't go on like this. But i'm scared because if feels so long and not much progress has been made.

Waiting is looking to the future. You are reading Tolle, and are fed up with your situation, why not live in the now for a trial period? Observe the negative chitchat, really surrender to what you are feeling and don't get hooked to the story.

I've travelled on my own and met more people than what I have done when I have travelled with friends. Would you consider going out on your own? Pretend you are on holiday and speak to strangers. Who knows, you could meet your future best friend or a lot of clubbing buddies.

[Vee]

I know living in the present is a good idea - but i feel too weak to do it - all i need is a catalyst to kick start my positivity and i'll be able to get better.

It's like something Wayne Dyer said - The first step is to turn your life and your problem over to making conscious contact with God. Turning it over to God, saying, "I am connected to God and I am going to turn this thing over, because I don't know how to deal with it myself.

So i'm praying and praying but it's hard cos it feels like no one is listening.

[oberlee]

Hi Vee,

My heart goes out to you. We've ALL been there. For me, it was about...ages 18-24.

Now, your language sounds very victim-oriented. You say, "But it has had the opposite effect, they are not returning calls or messages and now I think they are all going to ignore if i go through with the fashion show."

First of all, why would your friends or acquaintances CARE about you "going through" with a fashion show? That sounds very weird. I assumed you meant people AT the show, but if they're upset if you go through with it, does that mean it's other people? Is there something wrong wiht this fashion show? Very confused.

Unless there's something I don't know here, it sounds like you're reading way too much into this. Also, you're looking at all actions towards you as judgments of you, and that's not the way things are. Sometimes people are busy. Instead of thinking "they're not returning my phonecalls, and they're not becoming my friends," think ever-so-much more positively, "this fashion show experience hasn't improved my social life." That way, it isn't people doing things TO you, it's the health of that aspect of your life altogether, and it takes it away from certain people, and removes the cause-effect model of your life.

It sounds like you do have a few friends, albeit old or fair-weather friends. Is there anyone you can trust to ask about what you're doing wrong? Maybe an old friend, or a sister or parent? Just ask--and for an honest answer--what it is about your behavior that repels people? Are you acting needy? How? It might sometimes be really hard to see and interpret your own person.

Also, don't assume you have to win people's favor. This was MY big mistake, and I kept seeing myself from the outside and judging how people were responding to me. If you're not getting positive response from someone, you don't need them. F*** 'em, as I say.

Much love to you!!! Keep us posted!

[Acting Like Godot]

I would like to say somethiing about the present circumstances of your life presenting you a valuable opportunity to learn how to be happy by yourself.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Vee

I understand what people are saying and i don't want to devalue the advice but i'm sick of struggling and trying.

So stop struggling and trying - just spend your time doing things you enjoy.

You said that you were doing dance lessons and you stopped. Why?

I suspect that friendship is a numbers game: if you go out there and do a lot of things you're interested in in groups, you'll meet a lot of people who share those interests and you'll click with some small percentage of them.

"Loving yourself" is a hard thing to do directly, but if you do what you love then your focus is on that subject rather than making a good impression and you radiate who you are far more naturally. For example, You're genuinely saying "how hard was that last dance lesson!?" and building up rapport with people rather than sitting there focussing on your loneliness and trying to find the right words to make someone be your friend, and freaking out in case they're the wrong ones.

Originally Posted by oberlee

Also, don't assume you have to win people's favor. This was MY big mistake, and I kept seeing myself from the outside and judging how people were responding to me. If you're not getting positive response from someone, you don't need them. F*** 'em, as I say.

And don't assume that if someone doesn't give you a positive response from someone that it's about you. They're probably just focussed on their own stuff, slow to warm to people or express themselves in a different way to you. 99% of the time it's not personal - and the other 1% they don't really know you as a person anyway.

[Vee]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

I would like to say somethiing about the present circumstances of your life presenting you a valuable opportunity to learn how to be happy by yourself.

- I don't want to seem ungrateful but that comment drives me mad. I've been alright being alone for a long time - i got out in the evenings, eat out on my own, go to the cinema on my own - I have no qualms. But sometimes you want to share things with someone and i'm sick of not having that. I suppose i've reached the breaking point cos it's been so long.

It's got to the point where I can't watch tele cos seeing couples are too upsetting or even reading the words relationship or boyfriend makes me sad.

I have been happy being single for a couple of years - I'm not one of those people who needs a partner to feel validated. But now I feel the need to share my life with someone and I can't find it

All week I've been pleading in my head to god - just asking for a sign or something amazing to happen - I've begged to get guidance in my dream but nothing is coming.

It's horrible. I feel so angry and i've never felt this way before. When i take the train to work i feel like I wanna push someone onto the tracks to make me feel better. I've even though of cutting myself to release all this anguish

I know I can't expect a boyfriend to make me happy. I do know only I can. But surely we all need someone sometimes. We all need love and affection and I can't find any. All I want is a cuddle or something.

I just want a small set of friends who I can relate to and a partner and don't understand why it's so hard to get.

I am at the point where i want to scream and scream. I just need a little bit of progress and then i can do the rest myself. How long am I meant to wait?!

[Ninja]

You feel bad, because you have too little social interaction. To get more of that, you need to feel better about yourself. But to feel better about yourself, you need social interaction. It's the chicken or the egg...

I have an idea: it's a long shot, but it might be enough to give you the boost you need to get out of that negative spiral.

Get a pet.

It's been proven the contact with pets (especially highly social ones, like dogs and tame rats) is almost as good as contact with other people. Pet owners are happier, are less vunerable to disease (mental as well as physical ones) and even live longer. Also, if you walk a dog, you can befriend other dog owners at the park. Or you could join a rodent club, or help out at a cat shelter, or...or...or... the possibilities are endless.

Just make sure you know how to care for the pet you want. They are living creatures and need proper care as well as we do.

By the way, I remember waiting for a sign once. After weeks, I was mindlessly surfing the internet and found this. I'm not sure what it is or where it came from, but it struck something in me: perhaps it will do the same for you.

[Vee]

Thanks Ninja.

I do have a lovely cat already. She can't talk to me - but she has been licking me a lot more recently - obviously feeling my pain

I suppose I'm just desperate for a catalyst. I am actually not a very shy person and do have a lot of acquaintances but I'm desperately lacking people I connect with and feel close too. I need to be around people like me who share the same culture and have the same interest - but at the moment i haven't got that.

Since reading Abraham-Hicks I have been using my emotions as a guide and the way i'm feeling is telling me i need to do something about it but i don't know how - like i said before i can't apply for friends, like i can apply for a new job or buy friends in a store. It's so frustrating.

And even if i meet new people - sometimes they can't give me what i need. They are nice but we are not on the same wavelength.

So - i'm desperate for something to kick start it - meeting someone new, having a couple of nice dates with a guy, joining a club and connecting with people. Then i know my positive mindframe will come back again.

I'm really want to a bit of diving intervention - just a little sign to kick start myself again.

[evelynlim]

Hi Vee, I can understand the feeling that you are going through. I was pretty wanting, when I was in my 20s, to make and meet friends.

Here is what I've learnt. I found that when I relax and being myself, people tend to be attracted to me. I also sought out outdoor activities that I enjoyed doing but never found the time for. It did not matter that I knew no one. I just joined. Funnily, most of my friends acquired during this period never stayed as friends. It is likely that we never shared the same values in the first place.

If I can go back in time, I would choose to spend more time in my personal growth both in the mind and spiritually. I would have progressed much more and perhaps would have been able to make more friends after my own heart.

Evelyn

[Vee]

Thanks Evelhnilm,

How did you come out the other side when you felt the same way in your 20s?

Yes. I know I can do a lot of things on my own. I do just want to go to the cinema if I want to see a film for example.

But for certain things I need someone else. Like sex/physical intimacy - I can't do that by myself and I'm not into finding someone random off the street either. So I'm sitting here with this enormous need that can't be fulfilled. I didn't realise that sexual frustration could be so upsetting?! It feels like such a big hole.

And I love going out clubbing and dancing. And that is so hard alone - it's so loud so you can't really talk to anyone properly so if you are meeting someone for the first time it's too awkward.

[Old Soul]

As I read your post it reminds me of a time in my life when surrounded by family and friends, and yet experiencing the worst lonliness and isolation I had ever felt in my life

How can you have so many people around you supporting you and yet feel so alone..???
I still do not fully understand what was going on during that experience.. I could not connect with any body!! My smile was forced, my actions were robotic... and to call it depression, would not be correct... this was not depression..

Today I see that it was an actual blessing!!!!! because while wandering through this black wilderness I found "Me"..... my spirtual cup so to speak was filled and overflowing

it was awsome!! i was able to nestle back into my spot, place in the family... stronger , and my cup overflowing onto them :-))

I realised nobody could give me what was missing.....when what was missing was me :-))

Maybe you too are in the "wilderness" possible?

[Vee]

Thanks Old Soul - I'm glad you are out of the wilderness. Maybe it is meant to awaken me cos I have discovered this site, and spiritual teachers such as Tolle, Chopra or Dyer to find a solution to my perceived problems.

Lol! I now I'm not worried about or boyf or friends anymore but this worry has transferred to my body image. At lunch today, some woman made a comment about my weight (I am quite slim and people think it's ok to talk about it) which really upset me as I don't choose to be this way. And that transferred my want from relationships to a curvier body again.

I don't think it's the best thing but now i don't feel such sorrow just anger about not being able to change my weight - cos i've been trying for so long, but nothing is happening. And i'm back to my feelings that i don't want or boyfriend or cool social life till i am happy with my body image and therefore myself. It's so frustrating.

I know this may sound so superficial - but i am tired of reading spiritual texts, meditating, praying etc. and seeing no ACTION. Can't I strive to be spiritual but look nice and have nice things to in abudance.

Why can't the universe just give this to me - then i KNOW i'd be happier. Cos I'd know someone is listening and is out there. It would imbue me with such energy and excitement - just thinking about it now is making me buzz.

[Lola]

Daily Kabbalah Tune-Up, March 24, 2008

A student wrote to me this week, "for the last two months I've been restricting in this one area of my life. But I'm still not seeing any changes."

While restriction is a great start, the student is forgetting to throw away the calculations. When we sit and wait for the result, it will never come.

A student goes to his teacher and says, "Teacher, no one loves me." The teacher says, "run away from love and love will run after you." Easy enough. Two weeks later the student returns and says, "it's not working. I'm running but it's not running after me." The teacher says, "you are running, but you keep looking over your shoulder to see how far back it is."

Today, don't look back, don't look ahead. Just look at the spiritual task in front of you. Submit to the process and let go of the need for results. As my mother and teacher Karen Berg says, " don't chase love. If you busy yourself with helping others, love will come, like a butterfly, and sit lightly on your shoulder."

Don't Look Back

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Vee

Thanks Old Soul - I'm glad you are out of the wilderness. Maybe it is meant to awaken me cos I have discovered this site, and spiritual teachers such as Tolle, Chopra or Dyer to find a solution to my perceived problems.

Lol! I now I'm not worried about or boyf or friends anymore but this worry has transferred to my body image. At lunch today, some woman made a comment about my weight (I am quite slim and people think it's ok to talk about it) which really upset me as I don't choose to be this way. And that transferred my want from relationships to a curvier body again.

I don't think it's the best thing but now i don't feel such sorrow just anger about not being able to change my weight - cos i've been trying for so long, but nothing is happening. And i'm back to my feelings that i don't want or boyfriend or cool social life till i am happy with my body image and therefore myself. It's so frustrating.

I know this may sound so superficial - but i am tired of reading spiritual texts, meditating, praying etc. and seeing no ACTION. Can't I strive to be spiritual but look nice and have nice things to in abudance.

Why can't the universe just give this to me - then i KNOW i'd be happier. Cos I'd know someone is listening and is out there. It would imbue me with such energy and excitement - just thinking about it now is making me buzz.

You know what, if you sort out your body image you'll move to something else, and then something else, and then something else, and then something else, ad infinitum.

People come to you when you radiate happiness from within. Nothing, I'm afraid, whether it's being thin or beautiful or intelligent or rich or famous, is going to take away your loneliness and unhappiness.

I've realised that loneliness isn't the absence of other people from your life - it's the inability to get on with yourself. The better your relationship with yourself, the more people will want to be in a relationship (friendship, loving) with you. The universe isn't going to provide you with a bunch of friends to provide you with happiness because if it did those friends wouldn't make you happy - you'd spend all your time wondering if they really liked you. You'll always find something wrong to prevent you being happy if you constantly look outside yourself, see things "wrong" with your life and fail to see all the things that you DO have.

I work from home so I can spend a lot of time alone. Until the last few weeks, I felt lonely and "needed" to see people. Yet just recently, I've started to get on better with myself, and as my relationship with me grows, so I don't feel lonely. I'm my own company. And I find as I spend time with other people, that I'm happier and more at peace. I'm not expecting them to provide me with friendship because I have my own.

You've basically been given a fantastic opportunity in not having friends right now - you can get to know you! Instead of expecting other people to provide you with love and friendship, you can provide it for yourself.

I highly recommend, once again, reading "I Need Your Love" by Byron Katie. Look within for your answers, not without.

[Vee]

Thanks Lola. I understand if I just stay happy and go on with life things should turn up when I least expect it. But this has been going on for quite a while. There have been loads of times last year when i was just happy and content - not really expecting much, really thankful but nothing has progressed.

The only way I can describe how i feel is real hunger or thrist. It's so hard to ignore it whatever you do if you are starving and that's what i feel like. I am starving for company or a massive change cos it's been so long. It's been about 5 years since I've had a boyfriend and that scares me - how long do I have to wait? I'm not being unreasonable am I? I can't cope with thinking by the end of the year I still won't have anyone after so long. I know I shouldn't focus on time - but i feel like all that's time is being wasted - even if i had a few short flings that would be cool - but there is NOTHING and it's unbearable now. I want to experience things with a guy and feel again.

I think it may be more acute now because I lost a close friend a couple of months ago and I haven't replaced her so there is no one close to talk to or distract me from these feelings like before.

I have just carried on with my life, reading books, attending classes, surfing the net - but now it has hit me that nothing is changing and it hurts.

Originally Posted by Lola

Daily Kabbalah Tune-Up, March 24, 2008

[Vee]

Originally Posted by Joely

You know what, if you sort out your body image you'll move to something else, and then something else, and then something else, and then something else, ad infinitum.

People come to you when you radiate happiness from within. Nothing, I'm afraid, whether it's being thin or beautiful or intelligent or rich or famous, is going to take away your loneliness and unhappiness.

I've realised that loneliness isn't the absence of other people from your life - it's the inability to get on with yourself. The better your relationship with yourself, the more people will want to be in a relationship (friendship, loving) with you. The universe isn't going to provide you with a bunch of friends to provide you with happiness because if it did those friends wouldn't make you happy - you'd spend all your time wondering if they really liked you. You'll always find something wrong to prevent you being happy if you constantly look outside yourself, see things "wrong" with your life and fail to see all the things that you DO have.

I work from home so I can spend a lot of time alone. Until the last few weeks, I felt lonely and "needed" to see people. Yet just recently, I've started to get on better with myself, and as my relationship with me grows, so I don't feel lonely. I'm my own company. And I find as I spend time with other people, that I'm happier and more at peace. I'm not expecting them to provide me with friendship because I have my own.

You've basically been given a fantastic opportunity in not having friends right now - you can get to know you! Instead of expecting other people to provide you with love and friendship, you can provide it for yourself.

I highly recommend, once again, reading "I Need Your Love" by Byron Katie. Look within for your answers, not without.

I am happy being alone sometimes - I eat out alone comfortably, my job requires a lot of solo travel - this doesn't phase me. But i've been five years without a relationship and about a year without close friends and I'm sick of it.

I do understand that you need to be happy by yourself. But i can't deny that i need other people too sometimes. I can go to the cinema on my own perfectly well. But s/t I'd like someone to share the experience with - to discuss it etc.

I don't think anyone would be happy (unless they were a hermit) if they spent the rest of there life in their own company - it would drive them mad. Likewise I think always needing to be around people is unhealthy too - a balance is necessary.

I know it's good to be alone sometimes. To find yourself. To make your own decisions. To be your own person. But i've done that for ages now - and I want someone to share things with and learn things off. I want to get close to someone and be intimate again.

There must be a reason humans have relationships - it's because they are good for us. It's been proven that people with a good network of friends are healthier.

I spent a year in Montreal. And didn't make many friends - and i did have a lot of growth - it was great.

But now I'm in a point in my life where I need companionship and it's not manifesting.

I'm just sick of being alone and doing everything on my own. I do realise essentially we are alone ie. people can die, leave, etc. - but i'd like something even for a little while

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Vee

But now I'm in a point in my life where I need companionship and it's not manifesting.

I'm just sick of being alone and doing everything on my own. I do realise essentially we are alone ie. people can die, leave, etc. - but i'd like something even for a little while

From a purely LOA perspective that's exactly what you're manifesting - you're focusing on what you don't want and you're even saying to the universe "you're not manifesting friends!" and the universe responds by continuing to manifest no friends.

Remember, if you're working with the mind or LOA or anything, the brain doesn't process negatives. "I don't want to be alone" means "I want to be alone." Whatever you focus on you get more of. You're focusing on how alone you are and voilà, the universe provides.

[Ninja]

if you had friends and relationships before, you might not be the problem. Maybe others around you have changed, or the enviroment. Maybe it's time for a new job? Or maybe moving? Maybe a fresh start is just what you need.