knowledge/growth cycles

[cylon]

I have noticed since starting this phase of personal development, over a year ago, that much has changed in me/my perspective on things. Quite a bit has happened internally to me.

--really depressed
--RE-discover LOA (I was into this as a teen--early thirties now)
--got into Tolle
--started noticing insane synchronicities that really f'd me up for awhile because I wasn't sure what I was dealing with
--had my heart smashed into pieces by some chick
--back to depression
--rock bottom/decided to pull myself out of it
--back to Hicks/Abraham
-started noticing insane synchronicities that really f'd me up for awhile because I wasn't sure what I was dealing with
--wake up call after talking with dancer
----"Goals" by Brian Tracy
--started managing my time
--started sending out job resumes
--not able to make sense of all the change I've gone through
--this post.

We're told here to stay present, just focus on what you want. That works. But if you have baggage, somehow, part of the process seems to be, that will be brought to the surface and dealt with.

Now I'm ready again for more trippy synchronicities and manifestations.

My question for the guys here.... did you zig and zag all over the place on your quest to take control? Did you feel like I do that your identity is changing and you're not really sure who you are, but it's not a bad thing?

[Joely]

Originally Posted by cylon

My question for the guys here.... did you zig and zag all over the place on your quest to take control? Did you feel like I do that your identity is changing and you're not really sure who you are, but it's not a bad thing?

Yes... That's pretty much a perfect description of what I'm going through right now!

[cylon]

Glad it's not just me. Sure beats stagnation! Lol. Often it seems that it's a clear-cut road. Maybe it is, but before you can get on the clear cut road you have to remove the internal obstacles that are in your way blocking your view.

EDIT--BTW, be careful when you ask for synchronicities. If you've been doing this awhile and you ask for them, you are going to get them. It's f'd up.

[Angela]

I like to think of it more like surfing. Sometimes I catch a good wave, sometimes I wipe out, sometimes I just sit there on my board feeling bouyant.

And the waves just keep coming, no matter what I do.

[cylon]

That's a good analogy. I might have to keep that one.

[Joely]

I don't worry about synchronicities really. The universe only reflects back what you're thinking anyway, so it doesn't surprise me when these things show up in my reality.

One of the funny things is learning to allow myself not to want to take control, because I do. I'm surfing right now, just as Angela says, and the answer seems to lie not in trying to be a particular way (peaceful, accepting, controlling, whatever) but to just be whatever I'm being in any given moment.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Joely

I don't worry about synchronicities really. The universe only reflects back what you're thinking anyway, so it doesn't surprise me when these things show up in my reality.

Well that in itself takes a little adjustment.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by cylon

Well that in itself takes a little adjustment.

So true... but then all of it does. It's that weird place where you're changing but always having to remember to accept yourself as you are!

[Freelancer]

Oh yeah I know that feeling so well.

In my PD efforts I probably try'd to dramatically change my life a dozen times already, each time I 'failed' and each time it was followed by a period where I was extremely down for some time. Then after a while the pain gets to much and I get moving again, having learned a little bit more. Getting up again and then fighting again and again.

Now I've finally got a feeling I'm starting to get a hang of developing new habits, they start to stick. I'm finally starting to get a hang of changing my mindset and attitude (hint: learn how to build habits, then build in habits that strengthen your mindset and attitude like meditation and visualization). All the little lessons I learned all over the place, some took me longer then I perhaps needed, I'm finally applying them all. Thats why I'm now more confident then ever that I will achieve all my goals that I set out to do. Because now I'm building the solid framework on which I can hang them, my core identity.

Oh yeah, I also learned to accept the actions I took in the past. This is such a HUGE point made by joely.

One of the funny things is learning to allow myself not to want to take control, because I do. I'm surfing right now, just as Angela says, and the answer seems to lie not in trying to be a particular way (peaceful, accepting, controlling, whatever) but to just be whatever I'm being in any given moment.

You are so right, you have to be able to accept whatever your mood is at any given time. Sometimes you just can't get to work and do the things you need to do. Perhaps because your in a cycle of your development where your brains are trying to adapt to all the new ways they need to operate, perhaps because of some circumstances or perhaps just because its the normal cycle of things to come and go.

There can be only resistance when your not in the Moment. This means that whenever you start resisting a certain mood you aren't in the Moment, you are once again identified with your identity. What I often notice is that I subtly beat myself up over the recent past telling myself;
Look at how little you accomplished then and then, you should know better !
Now go and do this and this.
That doesn't motivate anybody...

So to me the key is to accept whatever you are feeling right now and focus on Silence or the Moment or Being or whatever you want to call it. Then when you've got that basis start focusing (partially) on changing your thoughts to match your desired state.

Thats by far the best way to move from a undesirable state to a more desirable one in my experience. Thats because you first get to realize that you are not your thoughts, as a result it becomes easier to change them.

Whatever I do though I will always at the very least try to act in accordance with my core identity so that it gets strengthened.

Note that this is completely competable with Tolle's concepts. He's mainly talking about identifying yourself with a certain identity. Now what I do is use my core identity as a compass pointing me where to go in order to achieve the things I wish to achieve. Its build in accordance to my goals. However I am doing my best to disidentify myself as much as possible at the same time.

Now this means I'm not taking Tolle's teaching as far as Ecky himself, I believe him when he says its bliss, but I think I've still got some unfinished earthly business to attend to before I become enlightened.
Things like:
- My physical well being (fat%, alcohol consumption)
- My mental well being (motivation, drive, confidence, core identity, expressing myself fully, memory abilities, discipline, time management)
- My financial well being (Lotsa moolah so I know that I've given a lot and received a lot in return as well)
- My relationship well being (whatever this may end up being)
- My spiritual well being (tied to Tolle's teachings)

If I don't achieve these things first then I don't feel I'm ready yet to relinquish my ego.



Anyway went of a huge tangent so I hope nobody minds.



Edit; Its funny, everything I end up writing a post I end up talking about my goals and dreams in one form or another. Thats a pretty good sign that they are a dominant part of my thoughts haha.

[fellowtraveler]

Originally Posted by cylon

My question for the guys here.... did you zig and zag all over the place on your quest to take control? Did you feel like I do that your identity is changing and you're not really sure who you are, but it's not a bad thing?

If it were a straight road it would be like always driving on the freeway...boring. The twisties are what keeps us interested.

One thing I am able to do is to see that there are different versions of "me". One of them has the everyday hangups, melancholy, lust, hunger, anger, joy, etc. All the while, the other "me", which I guess is the higher self, is simply observing, and sometimes guiding. I have achieved a level where I can usually switch between them at will. I know who I am...I am nobody, and I am everybody, and I could be "anybody". "I" am simply an alternate expression of the big "Us". And it's not a bad thing if you have no fear.

As an aside, I have also been able to shed most of my fear. The overall ping I get from Consciousness when I really listen is very, very simple...and wam as a mother's touch or a father's hand on your shoulder: "Everything's OK. Don't worry".

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Joely

So true... but then all of it does. It's that weird place where you're changing but always having to remember to accept yourself as you are!

Hey that's been my mantra the last few days, I accept myself for who I am. See!

[cylon]

Freelancer--thanks for taking the time to type that up. It's almost eerie how I resonated with what you said. What you wrote is basically exactly what I'm experiencing right now.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by fellowtraveler

If it were a straight road it would be like always driving on the freeway...boring. The twisties are what keeps us interested.

One thing I am able to do is to see that there are different versions of "me". One of them has the everyday hangups, melancholy, lust, hunger, anger, joy, etc. All the while, the other "me", which I guess is the higher self, is simply observing, and sometimes guiding. I have achieved a level where I can usually switch between them at will. I know who I am...I am nobody, and I am everybody, and I could be "anybody". "I" am simply an alternate expression of the big "Us". And it's not a bad thing if you have no fear.

As an aside, I have also been able to shed most of my fear. The overall ping I get from Consciousness when I really listen is very, very simple...and wam as a mother's touch or a father's hand on your shoulder: "Everything's OK. Don't worry".

That is definitely what I'm aiming for.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by fellowtraveler

.... And it's not a bad thing if you have no fear.

As an aside, I have also been able to shed most of my fear. The overall ping I get from Consciousness when I really listen is very, very simple...and wam as a mother's touch or a father's hand on your shoulder: "Everything's OK. Don't worry".

Great stuff. Fear has inhibited me too much, part of the "growing pains" is I am confronting fears and facing them.... it's a new experience. But I believe it's the natural result of what I've been going through. I'm serious about my life now. Real change, is what I'm experiencing. It's weird.

[fellowtraveler]

Originally Posted by cylon

Great stuff. Fear has inhibited me too much, part of the "growing pains" is I am confronting fears and facing them.... it's a new experience. But I believe it's the natural result of what I've been going through. I'm serious about my life now. Real change, is what I'm experiencing. It's weird.

It all ties together...the LOA, the higher conciousness and all the rest. What's real is what you expect it to be. She your anxiety and you will have no more reson to be anxious.

Unfortunately for most of us we are forced to do it along a time continuum...that's how it's set up so we can comprehend it one lesson at a time. And that means in most cases it takes time...us oldies have had a lot more time to think about it than some of you. Not better, not smarter, just had more time. Gotta age like a fine, smelly cheese, don't you know.

[cylon]

Yeah the whole time thing. I want more change now! I know it takes "time", just a convention I have to accept since time isn't real.

[Angela]

Cylon, what change would you like to have now? Circumstantial change takes time, yes, but changing your way of being is something you can have right now. No waiting.

What do you want? Circumstantially and Wayofbeingally?

[cylon]

I am changing the way of being.

I want:

A new job where I am happy. I have made peace with the current one, and am taking action by sending out resumes.

To have my music online. I've been scared to "expose myself" and I can't take it anymore. Someone's going to like it. I have to put it out there.

A social life. My old way of being isolated me.

Girls. Self-explanatory.

But I realize, none of that stuff means anything without feeling good about myself, accepting myself, and like I've posted before, I'll just admit I had low self-esteem and was depressed. I've been slowly pulling myself out of it. I'm growing really fast, and sometimes it's too much and I get confused and don't know what's going on, but I'm doing complete identity overhaul here, lol. I started with habits, just like freelancer said. As of now, everything I do now, is basically different than before. I'm much happier than I used to be, but I'm kind of in a hurry to get even more change.

This is the most "awake" and "aware" I've ever been, and even though it's uncomfortable at times, I know it's necessary. Bring more on! IF that makes sense.

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by cylon

Glad it's not just me. Sure beats stagnation! Lol. Often it seems that it's a clear-cut road. Maybe it is, but before you can get on the clear cut road you have to remove the internal obstacles that are in your way blocking your view.

EDIT--BTW, be careful when you ask for synchronicities. If you've been doing this awhile and you ask for them, you are going to get them. It's f'd up.

I've been wondering why I get a little flipped out about synchronicities. I mean it's fine when it's how Jung defines it, with his stipulation about how it has to occur three times to be more than a coincidence. But it starts getting freaky when there are five, six, seven of them in a row . . . you start thinking that even James Randi would have to admit something strange is going on.

Usually I really like it, but I do for some reason start to feel like it's so weird that it's getting overwhelming and then I typically go "ok, enough for now," and I remember you saying you related to that feeling.

A week or so ago I had an afternoon like this, all this cool/weird stuff going on and I was getting the biggest kick out of it. In the evening before heading home, I stopped at the Goodwill store in town to look for resale stuff, and my favorite band's newest single was playing on the sound system, which I tend to take as a sign that this will be a good shopping stop and I did run across a pile of magazines I especially like finding, called Magic Crochet -- and that was especially cool because I had been asking for synchronicity involving the word "magic," and I had already run across "magic" this or that several times that afternoon.

Anyways, then it turned out one of these magazines had my mom's first name written on it (I've mentioned my mom in this forum a few times lately because of synchronicities; I've been going through boxes of old stuff this past couple weeks and it's stirring stuff up), and her name isn't super-common and this particular spelling of it is rather uncommon, so that kinda freaked me out. I turned and went to the bookshelf (this is a very small store, there's only about 100 books there at any given time) and there was a copy of Illusions sitting there, and as that is the book which really got me going on all this in the first place, I stood there in a bit of disbelief and then thought, "Ok, that's enough for now." Then I thought, why do I always do this? Why turn it off? So I took back the request to turn it off, and asked to turn it back on again.

Last night though, the bit with the rutabagas which I was talking about with rockchick & Angela, and then the bit with ALG in the Secret thread, that really did get to be too much, I was laughing and cursing, and I really did have to turn it off for a bit.

I think one thing that happens to me is, it starts getting me very distracted from "chop wood, carry water." I need to chop wood and carry water, but sometimes, I would just rather float right off the ground into the land of synchronicity and not pay attention to what's going on that I must be dealing with in this plane of reality.

Y'know?

[Joely]

Originally Posted by cylon

I am changing the way of being.

I want:

A new job where I am happy. I have made peace with the current one, and am taking action by sending out resumes.

To have my music online. I've been scared to "expose myself" and I can't take it anymore. Someone's going to like it. I have to put it out there.

I completely understand how you feel. I've found it extremely hard/terrifying/anxiety-inducing to put my writing out there. I'm still scared - it's something I'm slowly coming to terms with and I'm prepared to give myself that time. Sometimes you just have to be utterly terrified and do it anyway.

But I realize, none of that stuff means anything without feeling good about myself, accepting myself, and like I've posted before, I'll just admit I had low self-esteem and was depressed. I've been slowly pulling myself out of it. I'm growing really fast, and sometimes it's too much and I get confused and don't know what's going on, but I'm doing complete identity overhaul here, lol. I started with habits, just like freelancer said. As of now, everything I do now, is basically different than before. I'm much happier than I used to be, but I'm kind of in a hurry to get even more change.

This is the most "awake" and "aware" I've ever been, and even though it's uncomfortable at times, I know it's necessary. Bring more on! IF that makes sense.

I'm changing at an exponentially increasing rate and I'm still feeling a bit "Hang on... What the...?" about it all. It all feels a bit unreal at the moment.

I think it's natural though. We'll get there.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Joely

I completely understand how you feel. I've found it extremely hard/terrifying/anxiety-inducing to put my writing out there. I'm still scared - it's something I'm slowly coming to terms with and I'm prepared to give myself that time. Sometimes you just have to be utterly terrified and do it anyway.



I'm changing at an exponentially increasing rate and I'm still feeling a bit "Hang on... What the...?" about it all. It all feels a bit unreal at the moment.

I think it's natural though. We'll get there.

Thanks Joely. I have been writing and recording songs since I was fifteen years old. I spend a huge amount of time composing, honing my craft, and no one knows about it! Glad you can relate to the feeling. This is part of why I feel weird. The message I told myself of "don't release music" is being challenged and one part is fighting the other. This is it though. I have to do it. Even if just a handful of people REALLY enjoy it, hell that's something.

One of my intentions is "I am developing at a dramatically rapid and enjoyable rate", lol.

[cylon]