Did i attract this guy??

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by aabbcc

Hey, Rockchick ... you're just a young thing.

I'm in my forties and still single. My sociology professor loves to say that after 40, a woman's chances of ever getting married are in the toilet. I want to throw my notebook at his head!

lol Well,obviously its POSSIBLE to get married after youre in your 40's,but its WAY harder to find someone to begin with. Most people this age are either married,divorced,or have children,or issues. Its all baggage. A lot of people dont want someone who has an ex and kids. I'm lucky that i dont have either,but i still have the problem that i'm too old for most guys. I almost exclusively like younger guys so that doesnt help.

[Angela]

Okay, so based on specifics you've listed in your posts, here's how you see your perfect mate:

Younger than you and/or No baggage (ex-wife, kids, issues)
Very attractive (hot)
a musician (preferably a rock star)
not cocky
feels like girls will never like him
shy
unsure of himself
doesn't think he has anything special to offer
not bald
not overweight
not confident
doesn't have a lot of money
down to earth

And here's how you see yourself:

Not beautiful
Old
Loves herself, but that's not enough any more
*always have to defend myself in every situation

Can you see where there might be a vibrational mismatch?

[ElleBlue]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

Sometimes it takes time for the right person to manifest in your life. Just have some patience and keep working. It will definitely happen.

That is true. A couple I know lived in two different states. She went to a seminar in his state and met him and now they are hitched and living in a third state (neither his nor hers).

[fascinoma]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

lol Well,obviously its POSSIBLE to get married after youre in your 40's,but its WAY harder to find someone to begin with. Most people this age are either married,divorced,or have children,or issues. Its all baggage. A lot of people dont want someone who has an ex and kids. I'm lucky that i dont have either,but i still have the problem that i'm too old for most guys. I almost exclusively like younger guys so that doesnt help.

>Shrug<

Lots of younger guys like older women.
You need to think of yourself as "sexually experienced hot older woman" not as "old bag".

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Okay, so based on specifics you've listed in your posts, here's how you see your perfect mate:

Younger than you and/or No baggage (ex-wife, kids, issues)
Very attractive (hot)
a musician (preferably a rock star)
not cocky
feels like girls will never like him
shy
unsure of himself
doesn't think he has anything special to offer
not bald
not overweight
not confident
doesn't have a lot of money
down to earth

And here's how you see yourself:

Not beautiful
Old
Loves herself, but that's not enough any more
*always have to defend myself in every situation

Can you see where there might be a vibrational mismatch?

lol Honestly i dont. And i wouldnt say i'm NOT beautiful,i just have a big nose LOL Other than that i think i'm really cute and i have a great body. I dont feel or look old,i'm just older than the guys that i like. Nobody can guess my real age,and they usually dont even beleive me when i tell them. And there HAS to be guys my type out there who like older women. But i see a lot of similaries in between my type of guy and me. I guess i'm confused now because is this supposed to be a word for word perfect match? And whatever happened to opposites attract,or liking someone for their strong points which compliment your weak points? I dont know any couple who is THAT alike. How do any couples get together at all if they aren't perfectly aligned then?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by fascinoma

>Shrug<

Lots of younger guys like older women.
You need to think of yourself as "sexually experienced hot older woman" not as "old bag".

Well i'm not sexually experienced really,i've only had sex with one guy and it was maybe 5 times and i didnt like it. Most 16 year old guys are even more experienced than me LOL And I dont think of myself as an old bag,i just stated that i'm too old for MOST younger guys. I certainly dont feel or look old,so what happens is the younger guys think i'm their age and they are shocked to learn i'm 10-15 years older,and thats where i lose them.

[Jennihul]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

This answer works if you're in your teens or twenties,but its a little redundant when youre going to be 36. Its a good thing i dont want children because i wouldnt want to have kids this old. You can only hear this so many times before you start to realize,ok,people have been telling me "just wait,your time will come" for 20 YEARS! Surely the odds are in my favor for finding the right guy in THAT much time! Thats what leads me down this path,realizing the problem has to lie with me.

Ahhh, so the clock is ticking....

I love how, sooner or later, the crux of the problem reveals itself....

Jennifer

[Vasilisa]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well i'm not sexually experienced really,i've only had sex with one guy and it was maybe 5 times and i didnt like it. Most 16 year old guys are even more experienced than me LOL And I dont think of myself as an old bag,i just stated that i'm too old for MOST younger guys. I certainly dont feel or look old,so what happens is the younger guys think i'm their age and they are shocked to learn i'm 10-15 years older,and thats where i lose them.

I am sorry if I am wrong, may be, guys sense that you don't like sex? Especially yonger ones, because it's so importatnt for them?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Ahhh, so the clock is ticking....

I love how, sooner or later, the crux of the problem reveals itself....

Jennifer

But i dont want kids though! I dont feel like i have to have a guy before i cant have kids anymore,i just dont want to go through the entire prime of my life without experiencing this. I dont want to find myself in a nursing home and THEN i find the love of my life because then i dont even have any time left in my life to enjoy it!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

I am sorry if I am wrong, may be, guys sense that you don't like sex? Especially yonger ones, because it's so importatnt for them?

I only didn't like sex with my ex bf because i didnt really like HIM. It felt wrong so of course sex wasn't going to be good. I actually have a very healthy sexual appetite,i think about it all the time! When i go out,i dress to show off my body (not slutty but,i almost always get compliments or comments about how good i look). One guy that i got rejected by,we used to dirty dance all the time LOL So,obviously,i am not giving them the wrong impression. I DO although,want to wait until i've been dating someone a bit before i have sex,i am not into casual sex at all,otherwise i would be doing it with this other guy that is after me right now (the one that wants a friends with benefits thing). I've always thought THAT was my problem,that guys just want one thing and i'm not willing to lower myself to that,i need it ALL.

[Angela]

Rockchick, are you seeing a therapist? Do you even WANT help? The major message I get from you here is "I want (exactly specifically precisely) what I want, and I'm not willing to change anything about myself or let anyone's -- not even people who HAVE what I want -- advice in so that I can have it! Why can't I have what I want?"

I don't think you're going to move towards your desires as long as you're so stuck in your thinking.

The good news is, it's easier to move than it is to think or argue about moving!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Rockchick, are you seeing a therapist? Do you even WANT help? The major message I get from you here is "I want (exactly specifically precisely) what I want, and I'm not willing to change anything about myself or let anyone's -- not even people who HAVE what I want -- advice in so that I can have it! Why can't I have what I want?"

I don't think you're going to move towards your desires as long as you're so stuck in your thinking.

The good news is, it's easier to move than it is to think or argue about moving!

lol No i'm not seeing a therapist,i figured posting in here might be cheaper LOL In all seriousness,i guess i see this differently,i dont see so much that i'm UNWILLING to change,i just dont see WHY i have to. I mean yeah i'm not getting the results i want but first i want it to make sense to me before i do it. Like i dont understand why i have to change all this stuff about me when nobody else has to change to get what they want (maybe not people in here but people in MY life that I see),and this stubbornness is because when someone tells me to change,to me that means they dont like the way i am,and this is what i was saying in that other post,this is why i feel i have to defend myself. I feel like nobody can accept me the way i am,which makes me want to hold on it even more. Do you think this is a much deeper problem and that i SHOULD see a therapist?

[Angela]

Rockchick, who you are is perfect, whole, and complete. There is no need for you to change anything about yourself.

Here's what the people here have noticed: you can't change anyone but your self. People won't change because you demand that they change, or because you think it's fair that they change, or because you want something. You can change yourself. Again, you don't have to, and there are no *shoulds* about you changing, either. And, if what you're doing is not working in generating a life you love, one of the most powerful tools we have to transform that is to transform ourselves -- often all it takes is a small shift in what we're being. It's a pretty good deal.

And we can hear in your posts that you would really like to transform at least one area of your life -- knowing how powerful it can be to take 100% responsibility, and pulling for you, being on your side in you getting what you want -- that's why people get a little frustrated with your stubbornness. We want you to have what you want, because then we have what we want. Maybe you've noticed I've changed my way of being with you a lot, because I keep looking for a way to find a way of being that will make a difference! I selfishly want you to have a great LLTMBR in your life, because that would make me feel good. Of course I can't make you do anything, and I wouldn't want to anyway. But some things are so easy for me to see, and I want you to see it too -- I want to be the mirror in which you can see the back of your head. You just can't see some things without the help of other people. I am one of your other people.

I think a good therapist could help you, but not until and unless you open yourself up to the idea that another person might be able to help you see what you're not seeing, and let go of defending yourself and being unwilling to experiment with ways of being. If you go to a therapist in the state you're in now, I think you'd probably have much the same experience you're having with us here -- feeling like "why should I change?".

So my advice to you would be to practice recognizing that you are perfect exactly as you are and exactly as you are not, and at the same time, you can change who you are being JUST FOR FUN. Just because it's fun. You don't have to, and if you choose not to, that doesn't mean anything about you. It's just experimenting, with the aim of living a life you're in love with. See what I mean?

[Vasilisa]

You know, a therapist might be a good idea,. I've never believed they can help. But... One of them helped my friend. Since she was 18 she wanted to get married, but nobody would marry her. She would date on and on, then she would get tired because it was going nowhere and break up. And her ex-boyfriend (who wasn't ready to commit before) would marry other girl in a couple of months. It happened with her several times.
So, by 30 she got tired of it and went to a counselor.
Halliluja, after adjusting her behaviour a little bit, she found the love of her life who is crazy about her and recently they got married. All of us, girls, got SO-o-o drunk, because we were absolutely happy for her!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Rockchick, who you are is perfect, whole, and complete. There is no need for you to change anything about yourself.

Here's what the people here have noticed: you can't change anyone but your self. People won't change because you demand that they change, or because you think it's fair that they change, or because you want something. You can change yourself. Again, you don't have to, and there are no *shoulds* about you changing, either. And, if what you're doing is not working in generating a life you love, one of the most powerful tools we have to transform that is to transform ourselves -- often all it takes is a small shift in what we're being. It's a pretty good deal.

And we can hear in your posts that you would really like to transform at least one area of your life -- knowing how powerful it can be to take 100% responsibility, and pulling for you, being on your side in you getting what you want -- that's why people get a little frustrated with your stubbornness. We want you to have what you want, because then we have what we want. Maybe you've noticed I've changed my way of being with you a lot, because I keep looking for a way to find a way of being that will make a difference! I selfishly want you to have a great LLTMBR in your life, because that would make me feel good. Of course I can't make you do anything, and I wouldn't want to anyway. But some things are so easy for me to see, and I want you to see it too -- I want to be the mirror in which you can see the back of your head. You just can't see some things without the help of other people. I am one of your other people.

I think a good therapist could help you, but not until and unless you open yourself up to the idea that another person might be able to help you see what you're not seeing, and let go of defending yourself and being unwilling to experiment with ways of being. If you go to a therapist in the state you're in now, I think you'd probably have much the same experience you're having with us here -- feeling like "why should I change?".

So my advice to you would be to practice recognizing that you are perfect exactly as you are and exactly as you are not, and at the same time, you can change who you are being JUST FOR FUN. Just because it's fun. You don't have to, and if you choose not to, that doesn't mean anything about you. It's just experimenting, with the aim of living a life you're in love with. See what I mean?

Yes i do see what you mean. Its still hard to beleive that other people are just fine the way they are too yet they get what they want. I feel like i'm the only person that has to change in order to see results. Thats all. I feel bad people get frustrated with me. I'm sure a therapist would get frustrated with me too. Well i ordered that Finding Each Other book so hopefully that will help me! :-) Thanks for being so patient with me!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Its still hard to beleive that other people are just fine the way they are too yet they get what they want.

You seem to be holding onto a "other people don't change, why should I?" point of view. Healthy people change all the time, Rockchick. If something's not working, they try something else. They were just fine to begin with, and they're just fine when they change. Just like you.

Adapting your behavior, or trying on a new way of being, does not mean you are not fine. I get the sense that you feel that if you change, then that means you're acknowledging there's something wrong with you, and you refuse to do that. Well, there is nothing wrong with you. And any new behavior or way of being you experiment with or are inspired by does not mean anything at all about you.

If I hadn't tried on new ways of being, if I had stayed married to my point of view, there is absolutely NO WAY that I would be in my wonderful relationship with my wonderful boyfriend, Danger Man. And by the way, I was 43 when I met him.

[seeker5]

I feel like i'm the only person that has to change in order to see results.

I'm constantly changing my ways, my skills, my beliefs, my habit, and my identity to get closer to what I want in life, even though I don't really see anyone around me in the physical world change much at all. If changing one aspect of me means I'm closer to what I truly want in life, then I will. I don't change for other people, but I change for myself.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

[elisabeth]

Hi Rock Chick,

just came across this thread and found it very interesting.

A couple of thoughts:

Don't know if you've heard Alice Cooper Nights, Alice C's radio show, which
until recently aired in my area, and which I listened to whenever I had a chance. He talked aobut his relationship with his wife (Cheryl, I think) several times, from which I gathered they seem to have a GREAT relationship and have had it for some 30 years, plus he's the kind of guy you're envisioning (never mind his "public persona."

Now Alice is taken, obviously, but this shows these kinds of guys are out there, and so I wish you good luck with finding yours.

And about the book: I just ordered myself a copy on Amazon.com, where it is available used for only 7 cents (for real! Plus 3.99 for shipping).

Just type in their last name and title (finding each other) and it'll pop right up, only with just her name, but I'm sure it's the same book (the reviews sound about right).

About age -- I have found that life only gets more interesting once you've crossed into your 40s... Oh, and try to let go of your assumptions about what younger guys want (or else that's what you'll get). Not ALL of them want younger women.

Elisabeth

[Parthon]

Heya Rockchick, just me again.

Thanks for the response, and everyone elses too, this is a great discussion.

I just wanted to expand apon this one point in relation to what other people have replied with.

Originally Posted by Parthon

You've done all the steps and thought all the thoughts, but it still hasn't given you the outcome, which means something is blocking you. Much like pushing on a door that says pull will not open it no matter how hard you try, desiring something greatly will not work unless you are matching that desire.

It's not about changing yourself, but finding the power within you that will let you get the kind of results you are after. The reality of the situation is that you want a particular outcome, and it's not happening. Most people would believe the next step is to find out why you are stopped, when in fact you don't need to know. The only next step is finding out and taking the actions required to get the outcome.

I see what you mean by "why do i have to change all this stuff about me when nobody else has to change to get what they want". They don't have to change because they got it, but even that doesn't help the "why them, but not me" question. The only answer for that question is "You are not them." It comes down to what you personally can do yourself to have the life you want. Personal power and achievement of goals go hand in hand, and with changing yourself being the basis for personal power, it's not a suprise almost everyone in this topic has suggested it.

For years I didn't want to change, pretty much though I couldn't or when I could refused to. It was when I realised that only through changing myself would my world itself change that I got real power in my life. Almost overnight I lost 10kgs, met lots of new people and started feeling good about my life. I push change of self so much because it really is the key to having a better life. That is all.

This is the article which gave me the most insight into myself and my own relationships: The secret to finding your ideal partner

As an aside, the questions I want to ask is: Why do you want to find out why you attracted this sleezy guy? and Why don't you want to change?

[Jasmine]

Rockchick, I can’t help but think that you may have some issues with your father, which is somehow tied into all of this ( I read your post on another forum). You need to deal with that first.
You remind me of me a bit (nose and all) I could never find the right guy either for years. I think males can pick up when a female is desperate (and don’t say your not) you might be coming across as too intense for them as I did. Some of the best relationships start out as friendships first you know.

By the way I got married at 39, and my husband is 10 years younger.