LOA aftermath

[cylon]

So you spend your life in a fog not realizing how much power you have. I started PD in another format maybe a year ago, it led me here, and everything I know is just falling away. It's because it no longer resonates with who I am anymore, I so get that. I am making big changes. But I look around all that I have created in 30 years and I'm pretty mad. I used to be mad at the world, or other people, and felt a victim.... I can't do that anymore. So I guess I'm just mad at ME for letting my life get so damn screwy. With all the good vibes I've been creating, I didn't realize the rage that was going to come out of it.... there's a lot of anger in me. And it actually feels good to be mad. I go from feeling very positive about where my life is headed to absolutely furious that I've allowed my life to just be created by default. Who knows how long I would have lived in the fog.

I know I'm going through a major transition, but damn. I can't be mad at myself, can't be mad at others... but all I want to do is blast old cure songs and break stuff.

We talked about this in another thread, about your life getting all f'd up after taking the inner plunge. Please share with me---especially if you felt intense anger after starting this process.

[Steve Pavlina]

This a very normal process. I think the heart of it is realizing that we have more power to shape our lives than we previously realized. Once the responsibility of that sinks in, a lot of emotions can surge that were otherwise dormant.

The benefit of this process is that it helps us become more clear about what we do want. The past is over and done, but the present moment can still be shaped anew.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

...Once the responsibility of that sinks in, a lot of emotions can surge that were otherwise dormant.

Yeah, that's what's happening. I used to direct the anger outwards, so I'm imploding, lol. Mix that with things happening about as fast as I think of them, whether good or bad.... quite a bit of responsibility there.

[Acting Like Godot]

I dunno ... I don't feel angry, I didn't feel angry ... I just feel more excited about what may lie ahead. I think my initial reaction was more awe & amazement than anything else.

[Ernie]

At least you know your are alive, you know what doesn't work, you know what you don't want to be. You're now in that hallway of life (liminal space) where nothing feels good, but you know you can't turn back. And probably worst of all, all those close friends, no longer are! You're on your way! :-)

[cylon]

Yikes! Thanks Ernie. I'm basically starting over with everything. "liminal". I learned a new word.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by cylon

So you spend your life in a fog not realizing how much power you have.
---
I used to be mad at the world, or other people, and felt a victim.... I can't do that anymore. So I guess I'm just mad at ME for letting my life get so damn screwy.
---
absolutely furious that I've allowed my life to just be created by default. Who knows how long I would have lived in the fog.

I absolutely know what you mean. What's the other thread that's running right now? Something like what was your proof of LOA? What convinced you of LOA? I didn't contribute to that thread because, quite frankly, when I first learned of it a year or so ago it did nothing but piss me off. Royally!

"Are you kidding me?" I thought. "I just got out of spending half my life in an abusive marriage. I most certainly DID NOT create that!"

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

Finding my fury was what enabled me to get out of the marriage. Fury at my husband. Fury at God. Fury at the Universe. Then I read this crap?!! First I was furious at the very concept of LOA. Then I was furious with myself for being the victim for so long.

But when I really internalized it, I realized it was true. I walked on egg shells everyday when I got home because I expected to walk on egg shells. My then husband was cruel and demeaning and bitter because I knew he would be that way. I spent lots of time and brain power thinking about what an angry man he was and how I was going to avoid his anger.

*sigh*

"life created by default" is right. It breaks my heart a little bit now to think how long I lived creating such a miserable existence. A life I once seriously believed I could only escape through suicide.

We've really come a long way, haven't we?

[cylon]

Thaks Lola that makes me feel better. I feel the same way, who would want to hurt themselves? When it was everyone else's fault I had something to direct my focus towards. But that focus has to be on me now, and I'm so used to the victim stuff. I'm going to miss that righteous indignation I think. Eventually I believe I will mellow out. You mentioned a marriage that didn't work. I've been in a job for almost six years now, and for at least four of those years I've wanted to leave but have been afraid to. Now that I'm in the process of looking for another one (finally) I'm pissed off that I waited so long, that all the stuff that made me furious has really been me doing it to myself. Right now I feel hopeful that I can create something better for my life but at the same time, I'm a little worried about the thoughts I have NOW. I realize there's years of momentum to diffuse. I like how you mention the fury was actually a catalyst for you.

But it's not like there's another option. We still have the rest of our lives to live the "right way". That's more than many people can claim.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by cylon

I've been in a job for almost six years now, and for at least four of those years I've wanted to leave but have been afraid to. Now that I'm in the process of looking for another one (finally) I'm pissed off that I waited so long, that all the stuff that made me furious has really been me doing it to myself.

heh - example of LOA in action - true story!

I hated my job. It really wasn't a good fit. But, I too had the fear thing going. I don't know what yours is exactly but mine went like this - single woman, self-supporting, need the paycheck while I look for something else - don't know what I want to do next...

So while I'm thinking like this, I make a decision (a very smart decision) to go back to school. Negotiate part time hours at my job to work around school schedule. Still don't want to be there but need the income for the time being. So I think I can tough it out...

Started school. Got laid off - the very next day. The universe kindly (and quickly!) delivered on my heartfelt desire to be out of that job!

And then delivered enough free lance work to keep me in more money than I would have made at the part time job I hated.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Lola

And then delivered enough free lance work to keep me in more money than I would have made at the part time job I hated.

That's cool! As I've become more aware of what I want--the job is becoming less and less like that, to the point where it's ridiculous to stay. I guess the Universe knows what we want and is just going to get our attention however it must.

[Lola]

See - and here's where I think I'm FINALLY getting it - look how beautifully I created a crappy marriage! Look at how fabulously I orchestrated unemployment! Now I'm finally getting to the point of losing the "they're all doing this TO me" point of view and that excites me. Because if we can create all this stuff we don't really want, just imagine what really GREAT lives we can create with our focus (foci?) in the appropriate direction.

Yippy-ki-yay -

[schola]

Was everything in your past really a disaster? If you look back, you might find you've created so many great things too. And even the bad experiences resulted in something good in your life.

How did you get into personal development in the first place? Was it some kind of hardship that finally made you look at your life and say "Alright, I'm going to get a handle on things."? Would you be here, on this website if those things hadn't happened?

Our lives aren't filled with isolated events. They're all connected. Everything happens for a reason.

[jeff3]

There's always the possibility that the rage and anger coming out now are actually you dealing with past issues that may be in the way of your effectively using the LOA. Some of us reach this place with more baggage than others and I feel that could have something to do with why some go through a "purification" process. It could be that we inadvertently 'intend' these changes within ourselves to help put us on the path to happiness.

As far as being upset about discovering that I could have done better if I had the information I have now, I would say it's more of a regret than anger and the knowledge that I am responsible gives hope, it removes me from the role of victim. Now I know that I am not waiting on someone else to give me a break, I'm waiting on me to give me a break , big difference.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by schola

Was everything in your past really a disaster? If you look back, you might find you've created so many great things too. And even the bad experiences resulted in something good in your life.

How did you get into personal development in the first place? Was it some kind of hardship that finally made you look at your life and say "Alright, I'm going to get a handle on things."? Would you be here, on this website if those things hadn't happened?

Our lives aren't filled with isolated events. They're all connected. Everything happens for a reason.

You're right, schola. And about my most *disastrous* part, my marriage, I made a conscious decision to not view it with regret. Because to do so would effectively wipe out one-half of my life to-date and there were some great things occurring during that time as well.

[cylon]

Thanks for the responses guys.

Originally Posted by schola

How did you get into personal development in the first place? Was it some kind of hardship that finally made you look at your life and say "Alright, I'm going to get a handle on things."? Would you be here, on this website if those things hadn't happened?

Our lives aren't filled with isolated events. They're all connected. Everything happens for a reason.

This is true, and no I don't think most people get involved in PD if they are already happy and fulfilled. This is actually the first time that I'm taking charge of my own emotions, and replacing the bad ones with positive ones has been a big challenge. Especially since as I've been doing this IM, reading things like Power of Now, and the Hicks' stuff, things I was attached to are just falling away. Job is worse, relationship fell apart. It doesn't make me feel good that I MADE that happen, but at the same time I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't pushed through certain things.

Originally Posted by jeff3

There's always the possibility that the rage and anger coming out now are actually you dealing with past issues that may be in the way of your effectively using the LOA. Some of us reach this place with more baggage than others and I feel that could have something to do with why some go through a "purification" process. It could be that we inadvertently 'intend' these changes within ourselves to help put us on the path to happiness.

Could be. I have been sending out negative vibes for a long time, and negative stuff is what I got. Even the negative people, it scares me that they are vanishing because I guess I was attached to them. But how can I have more positive if I'm surrounded by negative?

[jeff3]

Originally Posted by cylon

Could be. I have been sending out negative vibes for a long time, and negative stuff is what I got. Even the negative people, it scares me that they are vanishing because I guess I was attached to them. But how can I have more positive if I'm surrounded by negative?

One thing I did notice when I started down this path is that people almost immediately began moving in and out of my life, later I realized it was sign that I was changing and attracting people of like mind into my life. This forum is a prime example of that phenomena, a huge gathering of people who are on the same 'vibe' although it seems we do have a few people here who represent our doubts. I think they are here as a reflection of some of our uncertainties, it's ironic that the naysayers are manifested by us and at the same time say it doesn't work.

As for being positive in a negative environment, I'm still working on that myself and after all the recent upheavals there's plenty of opportunity to practice. It appears that financially I'm going down the tubes (I'm paying debt with more debt), recently incurred some medical bills, have a real need for another auto for my daughter but no apparent way to buy it, live in a tiny (750 sq ft) house which was fine for me but after the teenage daughter moved in it got real small. That's what I've been looking at, but, yesterday I realized that it was all perfect, exactly as it should be because, I created it with my constant focus on all these circumstances.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by jeff3

One thing I did notice when I started down this path is that people almost immediately began moving in and out of my life, later I realized it was sign that I was changing and attracting people of like mind into my life...

Perfectly imperfect. I think that's what's happening. Have to be honest with myself that the negative I was expressing, even though I am a kind person, was simply reflected back to me. I hope the things you are working on resolve themselves perfectly!

[cylon]

ooh this post from Jennihul too.

Originally Posted by Jennihul

One thing I experienced in beginning to meditate was a serious kind of anger and rage when I would come out of my meditations. These also resulted in direct, instantaneous extremely negative manifestations.

Makes me feel better to see it ain't just me as I sit here in my liminal cocoon.

[impaul99]

For me it hasn't been anger. While I'm going through some really big transformations right now, the best way I can describe it is as intense internal agony. Almost like shedding an old skin, or like a caterpillar re-building inside a cacoon, or a Phoenix burning down into ashes only to rise again.

I've also been having crazy dreams where I wake up, and get out of bed, and something happens and then I realize I'm still dreaming, so I wake up again, get out of bed, something else happens, and I realize I'm still dreaming etc. It's like a dream inside a dream inside a dream inside a dream. Just the other day I was like 7 or 8 levels deep.

Last night I was convinced I was awake but I was still sleeping. It's pretty intense and crazy, but weirdly enough it's not a very fearful or painful experience.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by impaul99

I've also been having crazy dreams where I wake up, and get out of bed, and something happens and then I realize I'm still dreaming, so I wake up again, get out of bed, something else happens, and I realize I'm still dreaming etc. It's like a dream inside a dream inside a dream inside a dream. Just the other day I was like 7 or 8 levels deep

That's trippy. Sometimes I have dreams where IM is at work, like walking down the street and seeing huge piles of money there, which is kind of the type of thing we talk about here. So my analysis of your dream is that you are realizing that life is a dream.

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by cylon

That's trippy. Sometimes I have dreams where IM is at work, like walking down the street and seeing huge piles of money there, which is kind of the type of thing we talk about here. So my analysis of your dream is that you are realizing that life is a dream.

I've known that for a while. I think it goes beyond that. I think there's something going on at a higher level, like a battle or something, and I'm just feeling the after effects of it here in my human body.

I'm normally the type of guy who takes exactly 13milliseconds to fall asleep when my head hits my pillow. Last night I went to bed at 12:30am and didn't fall asleep until 5am. Woke up at 9am fully energized almost like I've had 8.5hours of sleep. Weird stuff is going on.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by impaul99

...didn't fall asleep until 5am. Woke up at 9am fully energized almost like I've had 8.5hours of sleep. Weird stuff is going on.

Damn, when you figure that out let me know because I WANT THAT!