Expectations and Reality

[cdn2wheeler]

Not really sure under which heading to post this, but I figured this is as good as any.

A friend of mine and I are in the initial stages of keeping each other accountable regarding our thought processes and expectations. Part of this process includes trading emails a couple of times per day to basically keep positive expectancy on top of mind.

So far, so good. But I'm finding that my positive expectancy doesn't seem to be bearing fruit, and that there are things which come at me completely out of the blue which tend to reinforce a negative expectancy (ie: traffic accident in which the other party was 100% at fault, employers being forced into bankruptcy resulting in my job disappearing, other things completely outside of my control).

The result has been that there's always this nagging undercurrent of negative expectancy which, at least for me, is as stubborn as an army mule.

Any suggestions as to how to tackle this? How to bring about positive expectancy when personal history has been so different?

[lizthefair]

What if rather than trying to "make" the negative stuff in your life go away, you focused on adding positive stuff to your life? So every time something good and unexpected happens to you, focus on that. Be thankful, reinforce it, what ever you need to do.

You may find if you focus all of your attention on the good things that happen to you (no matter how small) they will eventually crowd out the bad things-- at least in your consciousness, and possibly in "reality" (what ever that is for you) as well.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Any suggestions as to how to tackle this? How to bring about positive expectancy when personal history has been so different?

You could generate a breakthrough for yourself by interrupting your habitual way of being and thinking.

This is a habitual way of being for you:

there's always this nagging undercurrent of negative expectancy which, at least for me, is as stubborn as an army mule.

....but is that The Truth? It maybe occuring like the truth for you because you've been being it for so long. But other ways of being & thinking can be equally true. Why don't you try on some other ways of being, and ask your Positive Accountability Buddy to support in you in it? Maybe you could do a 7- or 30-day trial on a new way of being (and recognizing and surrendering the habitual way of being); see what that provides for you.

p.s. responsibility and control are two different things.

[impaul99]

Yes, focus on the positive stuff that happens. I am always amazed how I'll go through a day and see 10 really positive things happen to me and almost be blind to the negative things that happen. But when I spend time with a negative person everything that happens that's "negative" they point it out and make a big deal.

Like I was driving the other day and I was behind a slow-driving-vehicle. It didn't bother me, I just switched lanes to the left and went around him. However my passenger made a comment about this "Sunday Driver" being out on a Saturday. We got to our destination on time, in fact early so no big deal, I didn't even pay any attention to this incident. However, later on I overheard my passenger talking to someone else about the Sunday drivers that insist on driving slow on a Saturday. I didn't hear him say anything about getting to our destination early.

Now, I know this is not as big of an "incident" as a traffic accident, or losing a job, but I think it's all relative. The more you focus on negative things, the more you'll attract them in bigger quantities.

You might want to add a little exercise to do with your friend when emailing each other. In the email, every day add a list of 5 positive things that happened to you that day and 5 things your grateful for. Even if "NOTHING" positive happened that day (according to you), you could list (1) I woke up alive this morning, (2) I have been able to breathe all day, (3) I had a nice warm shower that felt great, (4) I survived a major accident with almost no injuries, (5) An employer I wasn't too happy working for went bankrupt giving me the perfect opportunity to find something I love doing more without the guilt of having to quit my job.

As for grateful, it could be as simple as:
(1) Being alive
(2) Having the intellectual capacity to write emails
(3) Being born with 10 toes and 10 fingers
(4) Levi's Jeans being invented
(5) IMPaul99 writing a forum post that will change my life.



See...very easy right? Now, just do it.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

So far, so good. But I'm finding that my positive expectancy doesn't seem to be bearing fruit, and that there are things which come at me completely out of the blue which tend to reinforce a negative expectancy (ie: traffic accident in which the other party was 100% at fault, employers being forced into bankruptcy resulting in my job disappearing, other things completely outside of my control).

These are the positive changes you are looking for, they just haven't completed manifested yet.

Congratulations on the new career and vehicle.

[MsQ]

Originally Posted by impaul99

I am always amazed how I'll go through a day and see 10 really positive things happen to me and almost be blind to the negative things that happen. But when I spend time with a negative person everything that happens that's "negative" they point it out and make a big deal.

Like I was driving the other day and I was behind a slow-driving-vehicle. It didn't bother me, I just switched lanes to the left and went around him. However my passenger made a comment about this "Sunday Driver" being out on a Saturday. We got to our destination on time, in fact early so no big deal, I didn't even pay any attention to this incident

I had to respond to this because this happens to me all the time - my passenger getting all stressed out by other drivers! One day I decided that I could be stressed out by traffic, "rude" drivers, slow drivers, stalled cars, whatever or...not. Not is much better and it's spread to not noticing people who block doorways, walking paths, whatever. Then I'll be with someone who's LOOKING for this kinda stuff and I'll get this running commentary of all these "bad things."

When it comes to intentions, I've had setbacks in life or what felt like setbacks. I was fired from a job with a great salary and ended up getting a job with less salary. Prior to my taking LoA into serious consideration, I have always had the belief that things work out ultimately for the best.

So there I am working at a job making less than my friends in the same industry. Significantly less. Granted I was a bit scared of stretching my wings and searching for a better paying job but the thing was, I really liked my job.

Economy takes a nosedive and my friends go through rounds of layoffs. My former company disappeared. My getting fired turned out to be the best thing that happened to me - I took a path I never would have considered and have prospered.

Sometimes it takes a while and isn't obvious but you just have to trust that things will work out. I mean, there I was with this basic level of belief and it all worked out. Just think what's going to happen with some serious belief!

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by MsQ

I had to respond to this because this happens to me all the time - my passenger getting all stressed out by other drivers! One day I decided that I could be stressed out by traffic, "rude" drivers, slow drivers, stalled cars, whatever or...not. Not is much better and it's spread to not noticing people who block doorways, walking paths, whatever. Then I'll be with someone who's LOOKING for this kinda stuff and I'll get this running commentary of all these "bad things."

I know. Isn't it great? LOL. Don't you find that it's sometimes hard to drive with such passengers? It's like I drive 60k each day to work and back and never have problems. Then, I'll drive with someone who loves to do this "running commentary" thing you speak of and it's like cars are cutting me off, flying into my lane, almost hitting me, mass chaos, my passenger is checking the passenger side mirror, trying to look behind him/her, shoulder checking, etc. It's like an Arnold Shwartzennager movie! I'm half expecting Transformers to come flying out of nowhere and start blowing things up on the road ahead of me! "Watch out for that guy!" ... "What is HE DOING!?" ... "DRIVE YOUR CAR!!!!" ... LOL. Oh man, it's funny, but exhausting.

Maybe I should invent the passenger blindfold. Standard with every car.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

The result has been that there's always this nagging undercurrent of negative expectancy which, at least for me, is as stubborn as an army mule.

Any suggestions as to how to tackle this? How to bring about positive expectancy when personal history has been so different?

For you, I think the Abraham Hicks methods of reaching for the "next better thought" would be useful.

You see, you can't just suppress a highly negative thought and stick a highly positive thought in its place, and expect that to work. The thing is that your mind will reject that highly positive thought, because it seems so contrary and inconsistent with a large mass of other thoughts that have been going on in your mind at that time.

What you need to do is not suppress the highly negative thought, but take it, consider it, and transform it into a slightly less negative thought ... and then an even less negative thought ....and then a neutral thought ... and then a slightly positive thought .... and then a positive thought .... and so on.

Eg, I read the other thread about your relationship matter. This is how it could work:

1. "I am in love with my neighbour but she doesn't love me. I really feel angry & unhappy about this. Furthermore she's been using me to do things like babysit her kids."

2. "Well she doesn't love me now, but she may, later on. Anyway the sex is good."

3. "Maybe it is just as well that I am not rushing into a relationship with her. Obviously she has her own issues to work out. It's best that she works those out, before we enter a relationship. That could be messy."

4. "And the kids .... They really grow on me. I like being with them. They're starting to become a part of my life now. I feel like their dad, really. It's a good feeling."

5. "I'm glad I can be part of this family's life. Not exactly in the way I want, but it's something valuable to me anyway."

..... and so on.