30 Day Water Fast

[Dezarae]

I have been very ill the last 4.5 years. It started as terrible leg pain, and eventually became pain in my entire body. After a couple years, I could no longer work, was hooked on oxycontin just to get through the day, got close to suicide as the pain was too much to bear, and had countless doctors and specialists stumped. Some attributed it to obesity. Others said it was chronic pain. Others said specifically fibromyalgia. But none of them could help me. I didn't want to die, but I certainly couldn't live like I was.

I never wanted to take the pain pills. Truth is, I've self detoxed from them more times than I can count. I think I never accepted that as my fate. Of course, each time I'd go through that hell to stop the pain pills, I'd eventually go back to them. The pain was too much to bear, and in moments where you just want to punch the wall because the pain is too much, you just want some peace.. if only for an hour or two.

Looking back, I'm so happy for my rock bottom moment. Some months ago was the day I'd hit rock bottom. After years of dealing with the chronic pain, I'd decided to go cold turkey, one final time. No more pain meds. No matter what, I'd fix this. It didn't matter how much it hurt, the pain medication hurt more.

The shower was my safe place. A nice little box where I could curl up and disappear as the water trickled over me. It always reminded me of some distant place in time, some waterfall in the middle of no where, surrounded by fruit trees and serenity. I prayed for peace, comfort, and an end to the grief that had plauged me for so long. I sat at the bottom of the shower tracing my fingertips over the tiles. Those moments of agony seemed like hours. In the midst of all that pain, I thanked God for rock bottom. I knew without getting to that place, I'd never be able to appreciate where I'd end up, even though I had no idea where that might be.

I stared at the grapes in the bowl, too exhausted to actually reach out for them. I couldn't remember when I'd last eaten. They glistened with stray drops of water, as if they'd been kissed by dew. I sat in that thought for a few moments finding comfort there. Any comfort was welcomed in those hours of misery. Finally I mustered the strength to reach out for one and pulled it free from the vine and popped it into my mouth. Mmmmm, sweet bliss. Then another plump grape parted my lips.

"Why do you take only the mature grapes and neglect the smallest among them?"

Great. The hallucinations have set in. I'm hearing voices.

"Those that are still aching to grow are where the greatest pleasure is found my love."

I took a tiny grape from the vine, put it between my teeth, and closed my eyes. It was the most divine flavor I'd ever tasted. Indeed packed in that tiny skin was more pleasure than the entire bowl of matured grapes. I started to cry for happiness, joy, surprise, and wonder.

My ego had finally fallen hard enough that I could hear the wisdom of the divine voice of the creator that lived inside of me. I knew that when his wisdom spoke of those that are still aching to grow he meant so much more than that tiny green grape. He meant me. I began my journey toward enlightenment that day, and I've lived with joy in my soul since. I know that no matter where this path leads me, I am very loved and so well taken care of. I know that in the moments of silence, I am not dwelling on the past, and I am not looking to hope in the future. I am present in the now. Present in the serenity and divinity of my existance, now. They call it the present, because it's a gift. It's a gift of wonder and discovery and magic and growth and finding yourself. When we're born we know all these things instinctively, but the world beats it out of us with her rules and judgments and conformity. The magic is when you remember and get to rediscover who you really are... a spiritual being having a physical experience!

Even if I never take another glorious breath of this life, I have been blessed with a life full of love and passion and wonder. I know angels walk in front of me, clearing my path, protecting me, sending me love, and smiling and celebrating life with me. I know when it's my time to go, they'll be there to take me home. I have been BLESSED with the opportunity to hit rock bottom and discover the fruits of the spirit there. Send more problems my way please. I laugh and rename them lessons, because there is joy in my soul.

From that joy came the strength to detox completely from the pain pills for once and for all. I also began to prepare all my food from scratch. No processed food at all! I saw much of the pain diminish over the last couple months.

But now... now comes the big test. A 30 day fast for complete healing deep into my soul and deep into the tissues and organs of my body. I'll be journaling along the way, and could use all the support I can get!

[Dezarae]

Day 1: It really wasn't so bad. I know I have a bit of an advantage with my spirit being so strong lately. Plus the fact that I am not doing this to lose weight, but rather to be healed means I have a pretty big incentive to complete it. Of course going without food is hard, but definitely not as hard as it used to be. Thank you Lord!

Day 2: Symptoms: Burning in upper back and arms, headache, occasional hunger. I got some bad news today, but didn't turn to food and didn't break the fast. I know God must be with me every step of the way, because usually when bad things happen, I run to food. Was a little tempted when smelling dinner, as peas, brown rice, and ragout is one of my favorites, but I know deep in my soul that this fast will heal my body. Down 2.5 kilos already. That wasn't the purpose of the fast, but it sure is a nice side benefit!

Day 3: I feel a sense of awe and euphoria today. I don't really have any hunger feelings after drinking plenty of water and spending ample time in prayer and meditation. I trust that the creator has a plan for me, and this 30 days of only water will do so much more than heal my body. Considering how sick my body is (I get strong reactions from even the smallest amounts of msg/aspertame/high fructose corn syrup) I expected the first few days to be excruciating. I attribute the ease I feel to my clean diet over the past few months, my spirit soaring in my walk with the source, and all the love I feel pouring in from Heaven. I am truly blessed. I can do this.

[Just Passing Through]

Originally Posted by Dezarae

I'll be journaling along the way, and could use all the support I can get!

It sounds like you don't need any support to begin with, unless you got to where you are now only with the help of other people. Having the support of others is nice, but I've learned that if I cannot count on myself, I'm kind of screwed. External support comes and goes, and I've found in my own experience that relying too much on others usually ends up causing me to be swayed by their own intentions for me. Also, it seems as if in life, whenever we set out to do something, there are challenges placed there like some sort of game. For instance, when I begin fasting, really tasty free food starts to come out of no where. I don't even buy it, everyone I know just suddenly becomes more generous, even though they do not know I am fasting. It's similar to when many of us seek some peace and quiet, to really rest and relax for a few months and meditate, suddenly all sorts of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and drama comes our way, to throw us off, and gives us a choice, to give in to the bs or to cut it off and really retreat into peace and quiet.

I hope you are strong enough not to need support, because supporters have their own agenda

I offer you no support! hahaha, and dont ask any of you either

[Dezarae]

Originally Posted by Just Passing Through

It sounds like you don't need any support to begin with, unless you got to where you are now only with the help of other people. Having the support of others is nice, but I've learned that if I cannot count on myself, I'm kind of screwed. External support comes and goes, and I've found in my own experience that relying too much on others usually ends up causing me to be swayed by their own intentions for me. Also, it seems as if in life, whenever we set out to do something, there are challenges placed there like some sort of game. For instance, when I begin fasting, really tasty free food starts to come out of no where. I don't even buy it, everyone I know just suddenly becomes more generous, even though they do not know I am fasting. It's similar to when many of us seek some peace and quiet, to really rest and relax for a few months and meditate, suddenly all sorts of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and drama comes our way, to throw us off, and gives us a choice, to give in to the bs or to cut it off and really retreat into peace and quiet.

I hope you are strong enough not to need support, because supporters have their own agenda

I offer you no support! hahaha, and dont ask any of you either

Haha! I totally get where you're coming from! Seems like there are always obstacles thrown in our paths. I like to think that those obstacles are there so that the end result is just that much sweeter! Here's to hoping you'll never need my support! *giggles* I'll just send you love and light.

[Dezarae]

Day 4: Today was much easier! I think I've transitioned from real hunger into head hunger. I'm not even thinking about food now until someone mentions it or is eating in front of me, and even then it's not so bad. In fact I did grocery shopping today without a care in the world about food. Also didn't lick my fingers when I handed my sweetie a doughnut lol. That food's poisonous to my body anyway, but still no one would've ever known if I'd licked that glaze off my finger, but I'D KNOW!! A little concerned about the rapid weightloss since I've lost 120 lbs over the last year. I still have some to go, but I don't want this to be about weightloss. It's about ridding my body of the toxins and nasties that have set up camp in there while I've been so sick. My skin is itching and I can actually see little itchy dots coming to the surface of my skin. Guess that means it's working!! I've been brushing my skin with a soft shower brush and then scrubbing hard with a loofah in the shower. I read that helps. Just to keep track I'm down 13 lbs in 4 days. I hope that's normal. Strong sense of euphoria all day. Stood up too fast once and got dizzy, otherwise feeling really good.

[ginkgo]

Here is a webpage about fasting with quotes from 23 different MDs. It has advice on breaking it and other things. there are dangers in a fast for 30 days so this webpage can tell you what to look for. Of course it is safer to be supervised by a doctor during fasting.

Drugs have the effect of making people more bi-polar (formerily manic-depressive). There are even 2 types now.

[Dezarae]

I'll be going to the holistic doctor on the 16th, and if her tests show that the fast has helped a lot, and she advises to break it, I will go ahead and do that.

Not sure what you mean with the bi-polar thing, but I am not, nor have I ever been bi-polar. The only reason I was ever depressed was because of years of excruciating pain that no one could even begin to imagine unless they've been through it.

And the reason I'm now so happy is because I decided to be happy the day I began a path toward enlightenment. You're way off base with the bi-polar stuff, but it gave me a nice chuckle. I didn't even think of that. You gotta understand something. I didn't go through a couple months of pain. I went from being a superstar straight out of grad school to (coming up on) 5 years of misery. There wasn't a second of the day that I wasn't in excruciating pain. That can make anyone consider suicide. I never actually tried, only prayed for it in the most painful times.

But I believe that everything happens for a reason. We learn from our pain. We grow and blossom from our pain, and I wouldn't trade this lesson for anything. I have such a joy and appreciation for life now. All that's left is this last little step to speed up the healing process, so I can run and play and follow every dream I've ever had to the fullest. I never thought I'd say it, but those years of pain is a meager payment for the many years of bliss I'll have ahead of me, because I was given my rock bottom at 31 years old. If it's God's will, I have so much joy ahead of me. I'm a blue/violet aura combination. I have an important purpose to fulfill. I'm just gearing up for it.

[Trulyfasting]

Hi, Dezarae and anyone else reading:

Thank you for posting. I am writing this in case anyone reading will be able to empathize. I would like to discourage posts that tell me I am a "danger to myself" or are otherwise alarmed or alarming... I've been struggling and suffering for a long time... thanks.

My recent story is basically one of relapse into eating processed food, I am very sorry and sad to say.

I belong to several fasting forums but am afraid to post on many of them. Perhaps others can understand this feeling. This is the first time I have posted on this particular forum.

As I have gotten this post from a Google Alert I have just been, alone with myself now, thinking/talking to myself about the problem of what occurs when I want to eat-when-eating-is-not-okay-with-me. I have had a really hard time developing an ability to "push away the food" as I need to, in life.

I'm pursuing a sort of whole-life transformation in which my first goal is to really clean up my diet in a committed, permanent way... if this doesn't sound too perfectionistic/panic-attack-inducing. ... But I feel, given my particular experience and seemingly very extreme sensitivities, that I have no option but somehow to achieve a permanent commitment to a very pure diet... I really do feel quite well spiritually, mentally, & emotionally, besides physically, when I adhere to certain firm diet rules/boundaries... I have successfully in the past cleaned up my diet and maintained even a raw, TOTALLY unprocessed foods only diet for a period of 2 years (I basically have been on this raw foods for 2.5 years with interruptions -- the interruptions, however, have been terrifying, and I am in one now).

... So, though for the past 2.5 years I have had raw foods, I've lately (since this past May) been having a really hard time, with what seem to be setbacks in merely controlling my diet, let alone really being able to get deeply into fasting, as I so terribly much need to, for my healing. I will not be healed until I really fast for a long time several times... and get really deeply committed to the pure diet (raw living foods only, for me: sprouted, bitter-tasting, non-triggering items... such a hard ideal to maintain but I must achieve it or suffer and suffer for my entire life)

... and right now, as I say, I am (TERRIFYINGLY, given the strength and necessity of the commitment I had made to raw-foods-only, 2.5 years ago) actually stuck in actually just eating PROCESSED, triggering, horrible foods. I am so ill, in every way... I am really sad and scared. Really scared, about being so out of control...

... I am seeking a real and holistic healing. I want to achieve a commitment to pure diet that is real and not something I force on myself. I did feel my commitment to the raw-only diet was a bit forcible. (But WAS it??? I was actually really happy and well... I only was plagued by fantasies of processed foods that were off limits... and it is tough, but some foods HAVE TO BE off limits. There is just no other way to live. I have to just develop the ability mentally and emotionally to tolerate the necessity of being committed to a real permanent abstinence from these foods, as a drug addict commits to abstinence from drugs)

So right now I am just going through this process of TRYING to really commit to a process of phasing out triggering foods on a permanent basis. I entered into this most recent processed-foods relapse 8 or 9 days ago. I have done this rather deliberately and kept as usual total track of myself and everything. BUT I am encountering what for me is truly terrifying resistance and lack of control... I was able forcibly to control myself for a long time but I don't want to or perhaps (I don't want to say the terrifying idea) I can't manage to force myself any more.

Maybe I do just have to make the decision somewhat forcibly. It after all is a decision to practice a real gentleness with myself -- the gentleness of not taking triggering substances into my body...

Anyway, I am frightened, alone, and confused... I feel like my first "fast" has got to be a permanent commitment to the pure diet and to a process of permanently phasing out these processed triggering foods that I have relapsed into eating

To be clear about my situation -- I have basically, BASICALLY been on raw foods only for about 2.5 years but for 4 months over the past summer relapsed intermittently into processed foods.... then as of Sept 1st 2010 I have been on raw foods only again (so, basically 2 months straight) and quite OK and comfortable with that BUT as I say in this past 8 to 9 days I have suffered another relapse into the processed foods (for which I had developed these obsessional cravings over the 2-2.5 years although my raw diet was totally satisfactory... it's like my inner child just obsessively, NON-NEGOTIABLY has now got to have her way and have these processed foods, and I HAVE to suffer some kind of final relapse and have everything I dream/obsess about BEFORE getting permanently committed to the TOTALLY necessary "food sobriety" that I need for life...) ... I as I started to say have suffered another relapse for a little over a week now into the processed foods.

My approach to this relapse has been just to (within my BASIC limits like no sugar/refined sweeteners and SOME calorie control) indulge. Just eat the processed food. This has had nevertheless horrifying results. Such pain and such terror and such condition of being totally physically mentally emotionally spiritually truly, frighteningly ill.

I have managed to mitigate the illness to some extent by actually, within my relapse, practicing quite good calorie control. Actually for I think 5 days now I have had less than 1500 calories per day (honestly! no fudging) -- so I am "practicing harm reduction," as addiction specialists say (of drug addicts).

I have done work within this past week just "inventorying" within my own self the foods I desire/crave/can't stop being obsessed with. It is an enormous job. Sitting down with myself and asking myself: what is it you just feel you can't live without having one final time? Trying to remember and cover EVERY CRAVED FOOD so I won't have an excuse to relapse again -- I hope ever. I have tried to work out where and how best to obtain these foods (drugs, really). I have started to make mail-orders on line and even to do all this strenuous research to try to CREATE sugar-free versions of what I crave. (to the tune of $300 so far oh my god) Oh God.

[Trulyfasting]

.... all of this, by the way, is, as I say, within CERTAIN boundaries: I totally exclude sucrose and basically totally exclude any crystalline heat-processed sweeteners and any syrup-form heat-processed sweeteners or substances that aren't fruit juice ... so there are rules... and I am making the mail orders from places like "Low Carb Connoisseur" or places like that on line. And using of course only "no sugar added" types of cake/candy/cookies.... And I have gotten this all down -- all the brainstorming, all the ordering records, and formats for crating a real plan to phase out of all this stuff permanently -- on several large sheets of paper on a newsprint pad. I am trying to get past the cravings by just arranging to consume ALL of these things... to give my "inner child " a message of reassurance (????)... though, as I say, this process of self-indulgence is STILL, even with my boundaries, SO painful and so illness-inducing (less so now with calorie control but I can still scarcely get out of bed/also of course can't sleep at night) .. and it truly is a strenuous, driven, basically WRONG process. I am truly in the worst place imaginable. It's just disturbing because of how physically ill I am. And most disturbing because of how I am daily teetering on the edge of totally losing control and becoming unable to stop eating processed foods and unable to control my caloric intake any more. I'm ill: I probably could not run half a mile... ??. AND it's disturbing because I tried earlier to make a decision to stop the worst of what I have been eating this past week.. and was unable to stick to the decision because I felt like the process was too willy-nilly and I wasn't doing something that had sufficiently the satisfying quality of being organized and totally planned and .. was sufficiently rewarding in that sense. So, terrifyingly/horrifyingly and truly dangerously, I have had to kind of decide to "re-start" the diet cleanup process that I had intended to start as soon as the relapse began . To go BACK to the worst of the worst foods and HAVE THEM AGAIN as part of a truly completely planned process, in order to feel really committed to the decision.... I had intended that the relapse be actually a somewhat positive process of getting the desire for these obsessed-with foods out of my system, in an organized, committed way... but as I say my initial lack of organization made me feel unable to stick with the decision I made 2 or so days into the relapse, to stop the "worst of the worst" foods. And so I have floundered, painfully, becoming able to control my calories but being in the excruciating terror of being unable to keep my first sobriety decision. My diet cleanup process had not been completely planned out when I tried to start that process. So I couldn't feel that my decisions made then had been made in a way that really felt legitimate to my inner child and "satisfying." i wasn't willling to keep to those decisions. ... So I am terrifyingly having to plan now a relapse into the foods I thought I had managed to give up FINALLY AND FOREVER only 6 days ago or so. It seems my addicted-self /inner child WON'T be satisfied with a decision to give something up permanently UNLESS that giving-up is done in a truly and totally organized and planned way. I guess there's a need to feel secure. And a need to feel that the pain I experience in giving up a category of food HAS A PURPOSE and is worthwhile -- because it's rewarded by the experience of sticking to a definite plan and getting a definite result... there's a feeling of security there, as I say. I know I am repeating myself.

... I am today (trying to be) completing my food inventory and finalizing my COMPLETE plan for phasing out the triggering foods. And when I do start the process now, I do ... feel I will be able to stick with my decisions to give things up permanently... though just typing that right now gives me palpitations of fear, panic, and terror, and of doubt. I feel panic when I think of giving up permanently these items. So I am genuinely frightened. ... Though when I examine my fears closely I see there is no real need for them

So I am reaching out to you, or anyone, in illness, weakness and despair, seemingly with only financial considerations (there is no WAY I could manage to work at the moment -- I'm so physically ill -- and I have a limited income. Which I am way overspending. Which is absolutely terrifying.) -- with only financial factors seeming to provide a barrier to my actually permanently damaging myself with food. I do NOT want to have to stop for financial reasons. i cannot be forced into this sobriety decision. i so desperately need it to be a true matter of real and conscious and voluntary choice.

... So i am working on finalizing this "list of foods I cannot live without having one last and final time" and finalizing my plan to get them.... and making a committed plan to steadily and I hope actually quite QUICKLY phase them OUT of my life PERMANENTLY.

... this basically takes up all my time and despite this being legitimate and difficult and emotional work, I am ashamed about the time consumed by it. i do see myself as doing valid work by truly facing myself and communicating with others about it and truly finding the way out of this trap without employing repressive methods (though , scarily, CAN I even repress myself any more? it is a question to which I do not even want to know the answer)... I see myself as doing important work to help others, by going through all this. BUT it is a TRULY MISERABLE process. No- - it is desperation itself. it is truly hell. I am in real, true agony. I am out of control and terrified. I do not know if I am going to end up homeless in the gutter, totally never able to control my diet or my life or myself or my body, ever again. Totally ill and unable even to move, except to go to stores and get food to continue to make myself addicted and sick with.

Check-in right now: I am suffering the crash/after-effects of a 3 a.m. eating session ... a kind of angry backlash against my several days of calorie control ... it was about 750? calories so not an absolute HUGE binge and i can still so easily salvage the day, using Shiratake noodles 40 calories a pack and I don't know, eating zero calorie chocolate sauce and drinking diet hot chocolate 20 /25 calories per pack and though I am scared for how ill it makes me , even just drinking Crystal Light or diet juices or sodas. -- BUT, I mean, 3 am -- come on.... and this eating session was oh my God now I realize it was so probably much more than 750 calories because the package-label calorie counts on these certain packaged-but-homemade-style cookies I ate in this session were so dishonest. i mean these cookies probably had twice the calories the label said they did. So. Anyway the crash after-effects of this session are: that I am severely emotionally depressed; that I am weak and almost shaking and so unable to tolerate food and SO getting the clear message from my body : "STOP EATING! YOU ARE FAT, OR ON YOUR WAY THERE! STOP!!!" but I am craving to put MORE of these cookies in my body and that would TOTALLY violate my calorie limit I am trying to adhere to for the day today -- in other words I am in total pain and horror.

Now that I read over what I have written I am realizing that I kind of just have to stop at once these foods that are giving me the binges, crashes, and re-craving torture periods. I don't know how to work myself into this positive decision. if I made it , it would certainly shorten my relapse and shorten greatly the "list of foods I have to have before I give everything up permanently."

So that is what I have to say. I want to communicate to other persons what is really happening. Thanks for reading.

[Just Passing Through]

Giving up junk food (just like heroin is called junk) is pretty hard, especially since our parents were eating it when we were conceived and in our mothers' wombs.

Hey Trulyfasting. Have you done any intentional water fasts of 48 hours or more?

[Dezarae]

As a strong empath, my heart was racing by the time I got to the end of all that. You are so full of anxiety over this food issue that I barely know what to say.

A couple things that come out strongest.

1) Having a masters degree in management, I picked up very quickly your attention to detail. Your incessant need to plan has got to stop. You cannot plan every detail of your life. It's insane to even try. You have to learn how to just let go and flow. Do you think the ocean wakes up in the morning and thinks about every little detail of his ebb and flow or do you think he just trusts in the amazing creator and just glides. I want you to glide and feel joy in your soul!

2) You say you're doing this for the good, doing important work to help others. Sweetheart all I read is "I". You are so deep into the story you've told yourself for so long. You have to get out of your own head. You have to stop thinking about this all the time or it just gets worse.

My honest advice is to get rid of all the junk and put yourself on a 3 day juice fast that transitions into a 4 day water fast. During the fast, go volunteer someplace to turn all your "I"s into something else. Volunteering is a great way get out of your own head while you do something to increase the love in your soul and help others. Then see how you feel after that.

If the volunteering is too hard cause you're ill, you can go to the store and pick up a big stack of cards and envelopes, you know those cheap ones. Write a loving, kind, genuine message in each of them. Write "Random Act of Kindness" on the envelope and drop them into mailboxes anonymously. It will cost you much less than cookies and bring so much joy to your soul and probably make a few strangers cry that someone out there is as special as you are to go out of your way to make their day.

[Trulyfasting]

Hey Just passing Through

I am so glad to hear from you!!! I know I am not selfish or wrong or to be criticized for my unique style/detail-oriented self-management approach, or to be dismissed!!! I KNOW I am helping people by sharing! Sharing honestly what I am going through.

Yes, FOOD IS A DRUG!! IT IS "JUNK!" amen hallelujah.

I would love to communicate further. Let me hear from you. On this forum is A-OK and so is private e-mail, just reply and I will send you mine.

yes, I have fasted 4 days in a row on several occasions but so need to do that so much more often and so need to learn to fast a lot longer (don't be scared by this... google about it a bit... Edward Hooker Dewey MD on Google Books is a good start). Long fasts are true healing experiences. There are such good stories of people healing from depression by fasting.

I'd love to be in touch further, as I say!

[Just Passing Through]

Proper food is food, it will not act as a psychotropic drug, but instead simply get rid of the desire to eat it, by eating it, without depressing or stimulating the system. The body's reward for only eating what it is really hungry for, is continued unimpaired functioning. But that isn't enough for any of us, is it? The food has to be an experience, it has to taste better and better, it has to be stimulating, it has to be a pastime. Food selection is one thing, but eating habits are another thing entirely. When we get right down to it, proper eating is tremendously boring.

[Turner030]

I'm on day 2 of my fasting. Fighting the urge but i've lost 4 pounds already.